Is it rude to tell someone point blank that it's not a good time to call/visit?

[Colleen]

We've often talked here about how some of us aren't the type who respond well to drop-by visits and/or chit-chat phone calls out of the blue. I'm one of those ~ an anti-socialite, an introvert often masquerading as on extrovert. I virtually never answer my phone, and I don't just mean when we're schooling. I just...I hate having personal conversations sprung upon me. I know that sounds weird. My husband is much more likely to talk on the phone than am I. Along with that, I get a sinking feeling when I see someone unexpectedly coming up to the house. Yesterday a neighbor couple was wandering around looking at the flood situation and as they came in the direction of our house, I sat there hoping upon hope they wouldn't all come to the door and want to visit. (They didn't.) Today a woman I haven't seen in ages (but she grew up in this house, so she does have more interest) stopped in and wanted to talk about how I'm doing. (I'm doing fine.:)) Is it wrong not to want to chat with these people?

 

None of this is really an issue for me most of the time, but whenever it floods, our phone rings off the hook and, when they're able to get through, people randomly stop by. Don't get me wrong. I appreciate their concern, I really do. But...sometimes it feels more like morbid curiousity than concern. And what's worse, some of these people get much, much more panicked about the flooding than we do ourselves.

 

See, my husband is nearly always an eternal optimist; virtually nothing causes the guy to worry. When the neighbors are up all night checking on the river, sandbagging, my dh is sleeping. When others are convinced our farm is going to be wiped out, Hans' response is something along the lines of, "Well. There's not much to do about it. And I've been wanting to take some time off to go to Hawaii." (You've got to hear his accent and see his wry smile to really get the full affect here.) So when people come by and ask, "How did you handle it? How are you doing?", I feel almost apologetic telling them that we weren't overly freaked out. (Oh, I have the ability to get freaked out, but I'm fairly relaxed in high-stress situations, and Hans' laid back attitude rubs off on me, too.)

 

So-o-o-o, where am I going with all of this? I'm just...I'm wondering ~ in relation to this situation but just in general, too ~ if you feel like it's okay to say that it's not a good time to call or visit? Or how do you handle things like this? (Not the flooding specifically, since that's probably not an issue for most of you.;))

 

Also, when people offer to help, do you think it's acceptable to take a raincheck, so to speak? The thing is, there's really nothing to help with right now. In a few months, when the water's receded and left our fields littered with logs and we need to turn the cows out to pasture....that's when there's a ton of clean-up. And of course by that time no one is thinking about the flood. So while Hans just tells people we're okay ~ which we are right now ~ I kinda want to say (to the strong guys, anyway), "Can you maybe give us a hand later?". Would that seem like we're taking advantage, or...?

 

Sorry this was so long and rambling!

[newbie]

No, I think its rude to be unannounced. I come from the school of invitation first than enter. No unexpected visitors. My big pet peeve.

[H0MEFree]

It is not rude.

However, it IS rude for others to assume you will just drop everything- including schooling your children- at the drop of a hat for them to just waltz on by willy nilly.

Further, to have your home in "visit condition" with children at home all the time.

 

I don't answer the door when the jehovah witnesses come around every week and my family knows to call before coming by.

[PariSarah]

"We're fine now--the real damage will show up in March. If you think of it then, we'd love some help."

 

I don't know that it's rude, per se, but I would have a hard time telling someone to her face that she has to go away. As uncomfortable as a surprise visit would make me, it would make me more uncomfortable to say that the visitor couldn't stay, unless we were patently and obviously unable to visit (like, hosting a birthday party or walking out the door, coats on and everything).

 

I would have less of a problem, maybe, if the person were persistently, thoughtlessly dropping in. "Gosh, afternoons are our school time. I've loved our visits the last four days, but I'm afraid I really must do school with the kids. Catch you at church on Sunday!"

[Crissy]

I don't think it's rude. With an acquaintance, I would thank them for coming by and let them know that I *really* wished I had the time to visit, but unfortunately...

I don't think it's rude with mothers-in-law, either, but I've yet to figure out exactly what to say that she'll believe. ;)

 

As for the offers of assistance from men, I would tell them that you'd love to have their help once the waters recede and ask if they would mind a phone call when you need another pair of strong arms to help.

[hornblower]

I think it can be rude - depends how you do it. I think it can be done graciously.

 

But I'm the wrong person to answer this. I don't answer the phone & I hate people just dropping in too. In our old place I could get away without opening the door because nobody could see if we were home.

 

In our new place, a few weeks after we moved into the neighbourhood, a neighbour (an older lady whom we'd already met once & exchanged ph#'s), arrived at my doorstep unannounced with a potted plant in her hand.

 

I can't even remember what she said, but it was totally not the right time for me, we were in the middle of school & I think it wasn't going well, I was probably pms'ing, and I just didn't invite her in. We just had a quick uncomfortable chat on the doorstep and she left with her plant.

 

Now that was rude of me.

 

She never dropped by unannounced again though we've chatted in our gardens & on the phone & things are amicable enough ...... but as you can tell, I still feel guilty.

[katilac]

Unless it were a routine thing, I'd probably not tell someone who actually showed up on my porch that it wasn't a good time to visit. I'd try to assume the best (concern rather than morbid curiousity), and at least chat briefly.

 

Most people can take subtle hints to not make it an extended visit - - if you've been reading, hold onto your book instead of setting it down; etc. If you were merely enjoying the peace and quiet, an interuption of some kind will usually terminate the visit - - "excuse me a sec, I have to go check on dinner/use the restroom/make sure the kids are alive." Or simply, "Thanks for stopping by!"

 

 

If they're not the type to take a hint, it's perfectly polite to say, "I hate to cut this short, but I really don't want to get off schedule today." You might have a schedule of nothing, but that's your business.

 

I wouldn't think twice about saying "We're not worried." Nothing rude about that.

 

 

I wouldn't ASK if they could help at a later date, but I would say, "We don't need help right now; the real cleanup for us won't start till May or so." Giving them the option to say, "call me then" or whatever.

 

My answering machine takes care of the phone when I don't wish to talk. It's never rude to not answer your phone.

 

It's not WRONG to not want to chat with these people, but as a misanthrope myself, I can tell you that forcing yourself out of your comfort zone does lead to better relationships. It's hard to be friends, or even friendly neighbors, with someone who rarely wishes to chat or share experiences.

[Audrey]

I'm like that, too. I almost never answer the phone unless it's my business line. I love call display. :)

 

As for people stopping by... *sigh*... it happens too much, and they do expect me to drop everything for them. I'm generally a social person, and I do enjoy company when I have made arrangements for them to come! The problem is... I'm busy. I have more jobs than I really should, and above that, I value my alone time with family. I have developed a standard "go away" reply: "Oh! I wasn't expecting you. I'm right in the middle of something. Why don't you come back (...and then I name a specific day and time that works for me)."

 

The other thing I do is pawn the door-answering off on to dh, who has no qualms about saying, "She's not here," even when I'm sitting in the kitchen 10 feet from the door. I do love that man. He makes my life a lot easier. :D

Edited January 9, 2009 by Audrey

[nova mama]

I'm a lot like you, so maybe that's why people don't stop by? :001_smile:

[LaxMom]

Interesting that you bring this up, as I have just had a rather contentious conversation with my husband, part of which was him telling me that his parents (who live 90 minutes west of us) don't even stop by when they're on some sort of activity 45 minutes east of us... with an incredulous, sort of accusatory tone. My response: perhaps that's because it is RUDE to just drop in on people, unannounced. I find it difficult to believe that they wouldn't know they were going on a 3 hour road trip well before they set out. His point is that they don't bother because they feel like they would be putting us out. Um, yes. Therein lies the part about planning.

 

(I have also been told - after the fact - by his cousins that they had been "planning" to drop by on their way home from the beach - MD beaches to NoVA - but had been running late... which elicited something like a :001_huh: "I beg your pardon? Drop by?" from me.)

 

I don't have a problem with a neighbor knocking on the door. They just want to tell/ask me something. Once, our one neighbor locked her keys in the house on the way to work and I drove her. No biggie. Stuff happens. (That has happened once - and they may have come to the door two or three other times - in 9 years, so it's not like they're intrusive)

 

I DO have a problem with people dropping by to visit, though. I'm not sure what I would do if my in-laws "dropped by" because they're 90 minutes from home and that would seem sort of crazy of me since they don't really do that. Now, if they were in the habit of just driving around and landing here... there would have to be a conversation. I have routinely met other people on the front porch and stood there chatting with them for a few minutes, rather than invite them in. And, if I didn't see them coming and intercept, I would have no problem with telling them it wasn't a good time.

 

Like Audrey mentioned, I know who is calling and choose to speak with that person. Or not.

 

Miss Manners says it's not rude to refuse interruption, but to interrupt. I think she was speaking of the telephone, but I suspect she would apply it here, as well.

[Blessedfamily]

Yeah, I used to feel bad about it too, until a relative dropped in on me and stayed for three days. Three days!

 

He and his woman had driven to Washington DC from Hampton Roads (3 hour drive) for a kids softabll tournament. They had a trip planned to Vegas at the end of the week, and just decided to stay at my house instead of driving back home! (They were flying out of Dulles in Northern VA)

 

Going to Vegas and you don't have enough gas money to go back home and drive back up to Northern VA at the end of the week?:cursing:

 

I don't even see them except once a year at the family reunion.They just called from the interstate and said "We're here."

Even though I can get to the interstate quickly, I gave them longest directions to my house- through the woods down three windy roads. I took them back out the same way at the end of the week. They'll never find my house again!!!!!!

 

 

ETA -I'm sorry, Colleen. This is your thread. But you awoke a beast.

Edited January 9, 2009 by Blessedfamily

[Laurie]

Along with that, I get a sinking feeling when I see someone unexpectedly coming up to the house. Yesterday a neighbor couple was wandering around looking at the flood situation and as they came in the direction of our house, I sat there hoping upon hope they wouldn't all come to the door and want to visit. (They didn't.) Today a woman I haven't seen in ages (but she grew up in this house, so she does have more interest) stopped in and wanted to talk about how I'm doing. (I'm doing fine.:)) Is it wrong not to want to chat with these people?

 

!

 

Well, since you asked...I do think there's something wrong with not wanting to at least "touch base" with your neighbors during something like a flood. I think your neighbors are doing the right thing/the neighborly thing. If this bothers you so much, maybe you should plan to hang a sign up on your front door saying "We're alive and well. Hakuna Matata. Now go away." and maybe a similar message on a phone answering machine. At least they will be able to satisfy their "morbid curiousity" without disturbing you.

[Peela]

I am a lot like that too. Dh rushes to the phone whenever it rings, I dont even like answering it. Or the door.

However, I have learned that to have a reaosnable life with friends and a home that is welcoming for my children's friends...I need to overcome my resistance to some extent and be more generous with my time and energy. I am an introvert. I am on holidays and promised lots of friends that once I was on holidays I would have time to visit them, we could go to the cafe or for beach walks....and I am feeling this resistance to phoning anyone. I just like being alone with my kids in and out and doing their own thing, and sometimes going out with dh for a drive or a meal.

But I must admit that I think the computer inhibits my sociability. if I didnt socialise online, I might do it more IRL.

[mcconnellboys]

No, if people insist on always asking, then I'd definitely say, "There's nothing to be done now, but we'll need a lot of help clearing logs in April." Then if they don't really mean it, they'll stop asking.

 

I guess I'm more lucky in being able to hide than you. I don't often answer my phone, either, even if we're not doing school. Because I live in the city and have an enclosed garage, no one can ever really tell when we're home. So unless I'm outside or right in front of a window and someone knocks unexpectedly, I don't always answer. We're gone so much anyway that there's no way anyone could figure out when we might actually be here, LOL.

 

I'm sorry that y'all are having such wild and weird weather out there this year. Hope things settle down for you soon. Hang in there,

[Blessedfamily]

I don't often answer my phone, either, even if we're not doing school.

 

When people call and ask "What are you doing?" and I answer school work, they keep talking. I don't think they take our decision to homeschool seriously.

[elegantlion]

I don't answer my phone very often, caller ID was the greatest invention ever. We don't get unannounced visitors much and that is fine with me.

 

I think it is rude to drop by unannounced, especially in this day when everyone seems to have a cell phone, e-mail, something.

 

I'm still getting used to IMing on Facebook, not sure I want to. :glare:

 

I'm not above telling someone this is not a good time to talk/visit/chat. I love to talk when I want to, but sometimes I'm not just social.

 

Dh, OTOH, has his phone attached to his ear half the time and loves to talk to anyone anytime. :lol:

[Tree House Academy]

I come from the school of thought that one should be invited to visit before they just "drop by." Unfortunately, my husband and his entire family are under the impression that invitations are for "city folk" and they are the most irritating group EVER when it comes to visiting unannounced.

 

I have some friends that I call frequently to chat. Others I call only if I have a specific reason and then let them go. I feel like certain people want to chit chat and others just don't and usually you can tell the difference (at least I can). Of course, at the same time, I don't know what I would do with out my chit chat gals!

[Jackie in NE]

You know, I really understand what you mean. I am the same way. When we see people coming down our road, I always think "Now what do they want?"

 

Isn't that awful? But actually, they do usually want something. Often to ask to go hunting or something. It drives me nuts. But sometimes, when people have offered to help us with ranch work, I really CAN tell that they actually mean it. Can you differentiate between those with morbid curiosity and those that are actually trying to be helpful?

 

I guess I would say something like " You know right now there's not much that we can do about the flooding. But gosh it sure makes for a lot of work once the waters recede. That's when we can really use the help......." (Meaningful pause).

 

I am the daughter of a Basque immigrant. They NEVER accept help! :) But I am trying to be more open to accepting help from those who offer genuinely. On the few occasions when I've been successful, it's been a real blessing, and has resulted in a connectedness with other ranchers that I hadn't experienced before.

 

HTH in some way.

 

Btw, I've been wondering.... Where are your cows? Do you have a high and dry space to keep them?

[KidsHappen]

I don't answer the phone and I don't answer the door. I have introduced myself to the neighbors and I make polite chit chat as we see each other outdoors. I have helped one neighbor quite a bit and our children all play together. We all exchange baked goods and take in each other's garbage cans. That's about the extent of it.

 

In the summer, all of the neighbors take their lawn chairs and gather in our elderly next door neighbor's driveway to chat in the evenings. I never go. When my brother was here for two weeks in the fall, he became quite friendly with the neighbor guy. So the guy asked my brother why I never visited and my brother answered that I was kind strange that way and didn't much like talking to people.

 

I did take my dd, sil and grandbaby over to meet them at Christmas and they were so tickled. We stayed and chatted a bit and it wasn't so horrible. I could probably do it a few times a year. :tongue_smilie:

[Dawn in OH]

I'm so relieved to see these replies! Here I was afraid there was something wrong with me.

 

When our phone rings, I unknowingly kind of groan and sometimes mumble "now who is it", as my husband has pointed out. The children have since picked up the habit.

 

And I detest drop in visits! I always have. I was raised to believe that you call first. In our current home we had, until recently, a neighbor that would drop by unannounced all the time, and then talk my ear off, non stop, even when she heard the baby wake up and crying in the other room. I would have to say "Ok, I'll talk to you later" about 10 times before she would go away. I started groaning every time there was a knock at the door too.

[Laura Corin]

Since we moved to Scotland, we have found that people from the village often drop in unannounced. The last time this happened to me regularly was when I was a student, and many people didn't have phones in their houses to pre-arrange visits.

 

I've decided, introvert though I am, that I like it. I'm happy to chat briefly on the doorstep, then say, "I'm sorry I can't invite you in; we are doing school at the moment," but if there's nothing much going on, I'm trying to be welcoming.

 

Laura

[orangearrow]

So-o-o-o, where am I going with all of this? I'm just...I'm wondering ~ in relation to this situation but just in general, too ~ if you feel like it's okay to say that it's not a good time to call or visit? Or how do you handle things like this? (Not the flooding specifically, since that's probably not an issue for most of you.;))

Well, I don't worry about being rude or not. :p I don't do well with drop-by visits, and I wasn't raised in a house where people just dropped by - they called first to see if it was a convenient time, or when WAS a convenient time for them to come by. I do the same - and I never just drop-by on someone else. I would feel rude doing so! lol

 

The *rudest* I've ever been was a few years ago. One of my oldest friends dropped by. She was newly married - no children. She is also THE neatest human being I've ever known - I mean, magazines lined up on her coffee table "just so". She broke up with a guy because he tossed empty soda cans in the back of his pickup and it drove her nuts. SO, she dropped by one afternoon on a weekend. My two oldest were still very little and I was mid-pregnancy with #3. They dropped by and I didn't let them in the house. lol I said the house was a mess and I would never get over it if she saw my house looking the way it did at that minute - and we all came outside to talk on the porch. Dh was MORTIFIED!!

 

Then - when we went back IN the house, I looked around and said, "Wow. The house actually looks really good right now! I should've let them come on in!" (DH rolled his eyes at me... lol) I called her to apologize later - and she said her dh gave her a hard time about not being let in because her neat-freakishness scared me! :D

 

I also let my machine pick up 99% of the time. There are a few people i'll pick up for, because they're short-conversation types and I know they just have a quick question for me and they're not calling to "chat". I don't like talking on the phone, really, anyway - so if I were to pick up the phone when I'm in the middle of something, I'm MUCH more likely to sound rude than if I let the machine pick up and call the person back when it's more convenient for me.

[Jean in Newcastle]

I have many priorities in my life. A very legitimate one is of course my family and my schooling. But another legitimate priority in my life are friends, family and neighbors. Since I define "neighbor" in the Biblical sense this could be a very large group! I do not answer the phone during school hours. But if someone leaves an important message (or I hear it being left by someone in trouble or need) I will pick up right then. I will pick up the phone during one of our phone breaks if it rings. Most of our friends and family know when those breaks are and will call during those times. If they are "just" chatting I will do my little chores with the phone between my neck and shoulder - I specifically bought a cordless so I could do this. I have no problem asking if I can call back or telling them when I need to go. If someone calls in crisis (and people often do) then I am 100% available to them. I believe that God wants people in need to have priority over our schooling.

 

All of the above applies to drop in visitors. If Grandma and Grandpa drop by we will shift our school schedule in deference to them. If a neighbor drops by I won't necessarily invite them in but I evaluate why they came by. Was it to express concern for the maple that fell on our fence? I don't see that as an imposition but I am grateful that God has given me caring neighbors. Was it to shoot the breeze? I'm grateful that they want to shoot the breeze with me but I will sometimes suggest another time when I am more available. But having said that I haven't had too many people abuse the telephone or doorbell. Usually their errands are short if unannounced and we don't have a hard time getting back into what we are doing. I have no shame as to the state of my house - if you come unannounced you have to be prepared for whatever state my house might be in!

[Peela]

You know, I am kinda surprised by all the similar replies. I really thought I was such an unsociable odball- my dh tends to think I am.

I know we have had this conversation before and I am sure someone even did a poll, but I think homeschool mums must be a majority of introverts!

Pity my kids arent! They are about as social and extrovert as you can get. Must get it from their dad.

 

However, I do wonder how healthy it is that we all live so isolated in our homes and families. It's nice to have privacy and space, but I cant help but wonder if it wouldnt be more wholesome to be out chatting over the back fence and borrowing sugar from the neighbours and all that (like in the soapies I watched when I was a kid :) Thinking Bewitched here, and that nosey neughbour always coming over for sugar!). Maybe its more to do with values- I find my own values differ so much from so many other people, particularly neighbours, that I am smiling and being nice and inside I am thinking "gosh, this is so superficial" or even "what an dill" or whatever. I think I am getting more intolerant as I get older. Homeschooling is good for me in that way, in that I mix with people I wouldn't normally- it stretches my social boundaries and I think that's a good thing.

When I have been to India- and it must be the same in other cultures- I always enjoy the friendlinss and neighbourliness of everybudy, and it seems odd to come back into a culture where neighbours barely speak to each other. But then, I like the space here and miss it when I am in India where there are just so many people in such a small area.

[orangearrow]

Oh - I DO talk to my neighbors! I love my neighbors!! :lol: I'll talk to pretty much ANYONE I bump in to outside. I love getting rounded up into a conversation with any one of them.

 

It's the knock-on-the-door, can-we-come-in-and-stay-for-two-hours that I just can't cope with. :D I like to walk around without my hair fixed, and I sort laundry on my living room couch. Not good for drop-by visitors. lol

 

Socializing drains me of energy. Always has - even when I absolutely adore the people I'm spending the time with. Socializing ENERGIZES my husband and kids, though - they're all butterflies. So, we DO make LOTS of social plans. We see friends frequently, talk to friends on the phone frequently, have family visit us frequently... I just have to have a little bit of time to mentally prepare for it all. If it's just sprung on me, I'm toast. lol

 

 

 

You know, I am kinda surprised by all the similar replies. I really thought I was such an unsociable odball- my dh tends to think I am.

I know we have had this conversation before and I am sure someone even did a poll, but I think homeschool mums must be a majority of introverts!

Pity my kids arent! They are about as social and extrovert as you can get. Must get it from their dad.

 

However, I do wonder how healthy it is that we all live so isolated in our homes and families. It's nice to have privacy and space, but I cant help but wonder if it wouldnt be more wholesome to be out chatting over the back fence and borrowing sugar from the neighbours and all that (like in the soapies I watched when I was a kid :) Thinking Bewitched here, and that nosey neughbour always coming over for sugar!). Maybe its more to do with values- I find my own values differ so much from so many other people, particularly neighbours, that I am smiling and being nice and inside I am thinking "gosh, this is so superficial" or even "what an dill" or whatever. I think I am getting more intolerant as I get older. Homeschooling is good for me in that way, in that I mix with people I wouldn't normally- it stretches my social boundaries and I think that's a good thing.

When I have been to India- and it must be the same in other cultures- I always enjoy the friendlinss and neighbourliness of everybudy, and it seems odd to come back into a culture where neighbours barely speak to each other. But then, I like the space here and miss it when I am in India where there are just so many people in such a small area.

[Danestress]

When someone drops by, you can say something like, "Oh, it's a shame you didn't come half an hour ago. We were having a break from school then!"

 

Of course, you don't have to answer the phone, but if you do, you can chat for a second and then start saying things off to the side like, "Okay, put a washcloth on it to stop the bleeding and I will be there in a minute." With five kids, I would imagine that many times it's really NOT a good time, and you don't have to say so - they can probably pick that up through context.

 

I am a wimp, Like you, I hate the phone and I feel free not to answer it. Very few people stop by my house unannounced. Even my mother, who lives a mile away, won't come without calling. The only "drop in" person I know is my MIL who doesn't even knock on the door. She just walks in my house unannouced. It freaks me out, but I have never had the guts to say so, so I live with it.

[Blessedfamily]

When our phone rings, I unknowingly kind of groan and sometimes mumble "now who is it", as my husband has pointed out. The children have since picked up the habit.

 

...

 

My dd picked this up from me and I regretted it. I didn't realize I was doing it until one day when she was 3 the doorbell rang during lunch.

 

She and said to noone in particular, "Who is that? Miss "A"? Oh no, not again!" :001_huh:(Miss A is a neighor who dropped in a lot.)

 

It wasn't Miss A, but I was terrified dd would say something the next time we saw her. I spent a week reminding her...

"Now we like Miss A don't we?"

"We don't want to hurt her feelings, do we?"

"She's a great neighbor, isn't she?"

[Crissy]

Oh - I DO talk to my neighbors! I love my neighbors!! :lol: I'll talk to pretty much ANYONE I bump in to outside. I love getting rounded up into a conversation with any one of them.

 

It's the knock-on-the-door, can-we-come-in-and-stay-for-two-hours that I just can't cope with.

 

My issues are similar.

I do love to talk with my neighbors, to visit when I've been invited, and to have guests when I've invited them (and I do that regularly).

 

I just don't like drop-ins.

 

At the moment (9:30 AM), there are kid's shoes all over the entry way (as they go in and out to do their chores), a toaster on the counter (and probably a mass of crumbs to go with it), books spread out in the dining room, my hair is standing on end, and I've not put on a speck of makeup. I would be embarrased at the state of myself and my home if someone were to drop by right now.

Sure, I could get out of bed and put myself together right away and make sure the house is always spotless, but I don't like feeling as if I always have to be 'on' in my own home.

 

I'd just like a little notice. 15 minutes would be plenty.