What do you think of this? (friend problem)

[Aubrey]

So I get a Merry Christmas email from a friend I haven't spoken w/ since 5/07. I email her back telling her that we've moved, dh is in seminary, & we've had another baby. Fwiw, I responded in less than an hr.

 

She replies:

 

"Well, from your brief and factual reply that mentions nothing of getting together nor a phone number, I assume I've said or done something to be branded as a pariah. I'm just me, whatever I've done, and I apologize sincerely for whatever offense.

 

Congratulations on the addition to the family.<snip>

 

Anyway, all the best in the year. My heart and my home will always be open to you."

 

Ok, I didn't mention getting together, but is that required? I mean...I missed that in etiquette 101. :001_huh:

 

I'm a hermit anyway & kind-of...well...resistant to leaving my shell, but I don't want that to come across as rude. And she's the type of person who always leaves you worrying about whether or not you've been rude while being RUDE. Y'know? And if you get used to it, you realize she's really pretty sweet. Just...kind-of... exhausting. Kwim?

[OnTheBrink]

Geeze. Honestly, I have no patience for that kind of thing in my life. There really isn't any sort of response you could give that wouldn't invite conflict. You did nothing wrong, so you don't need to apologize. If you "go there" about how you've not heard from HER in 18 months, that invites more drama. She's defensive from the get-go and I don't see how anything positive is going to come from an exchange with her.

 

I really don't know if I'd even respond. I don't know what I'd say!

[hornblower]

Do you want her as a friend or not?

 

If yes, I'd fire of a quick email saying essentially whaaaat? Just say you're sorry if you offended her but you're swamped and busy and of course you'd love to get together - maybe sometime in January? Breezy & light.

 

Maybe she's feeling lonely & out of sorts & clearly she read something into your email which wasn't there so just reach out with some humour & gentleness.

 

OR if you're sick of the drama & find her a draining person - do not reply at all. Forget it and let it go.

[Colleen in NS]

she's the type of person who always leaves you worrying about whether or not you've been rude while being RUDE. Y'know? And if you get used to it, you realize she's really pretty sweet.

 

If she's sweet but always leaves you worrying, that's manipulative.

 

If it were me, I'd just keep the distance that is already there (haven't heard from her since 2007). You might tell her you'll write a more newsy e-mail after the holidays when you get a chance, but don't worry about what she thinks of that. Then keep your e-mail newsy and lighthearted, not personal.

[Aubrey]

Manipulative. Yeah, that's a good word for her.

 

When we moved, I sort-of forgot to give her a new #. Same email, though.

 

But here's the thing. She lives in the town we moved to. So while it was over an hr to try to get together before, now...

 

She is lonely. She's very dissatisfied w/ her life, but she doesn't want help or advice or anything, just sympathy.

 

She makes me feel like a witch. I've typed a dozen things to describe our relationship & deleted them all. I almost didn't respond to her Christmas email, because that would easily fade into oblivion (I thought the relationship already had).

 

Now I've got miniblinds that ds knocked down while standing on the back of the sofa, a crying baby, screaming 1yo, a mailkey *stuck* in the wrong box but holding (WITHholding) the last Christmas gift from Santa, a sore throat, food to cook, and THIS. Whether or not I respond, it's become something, because my insides are all twisted up over it. I *don't* want to hurt her, but...I...she... :001_huh: I don't know. She baffles me.

[PineFarmMom]

It sounds like she is high-maintenance and manipulative. That would make me too weary to spend much time and effort on a friendship like that. My feelings are that God, my husband and children, and my home are my first relationship responsibilities while outside family then friendships follow. Any friendship that is exhausting winds up trying to push itself above one of those other relationship areas that are more important, and that is just not good. I'd either let it go and not respond at all, or if you want the friendship and it is something you are wanting to pursue, e-mail her back and tell her you aren't understanding what she read into the e-mail but it wasn't your intent, but don't take any ownership of her decision to misread your intent.

[Jill- OK]

...about getting together/exchanging phone numbers, etc.?

 

Honestly, I'd say, "No, not offended...just confused. You didn't offer a get-together, either...but I didn't take it personally!"

 

I mean, there's two ways you can go, here; the "No, you didn't offend me"/apologetic/smooth it over route, or the "Tell the Truth in Love" way, lol.

 

I've had plenty of smooth it over moments in my life, and honestly, the "truth in love" approach sometimes doesn't go over well...but I do believe that there are times when folks are best served by the truth. It doesn't have to be hurtful, just type her out an honest, heartfelt reply that expresses a little of what you've shared here.

 

Think of it as being equally honest with her; she's not shy about sharing her feelings with you. You could even mention that..."I appreciate that you're honest with me about how you feel. Here's how I feel..."

 

If you're hermit-ish, this may be out of your comfort zone. But it might clear things up and make for a more enjoyable relationship with her.

 

Or, she could get mad and not email you anymore, lol.

 

Sorry, now that I look at this, I'm not sure it's helpful...:tongue_smilie:

[Colleen]

Yep, it's really just a matter of whether or not you want to maintain the friendship ~ and it doesn't sound like you do. Either way, I'd likely respond, but I'd keep it short and simple. I'd quote her and reply something like this:

"Well, from your brief and factual reply that mentions nothing of getting together nor a phone number, I assume I've said or done something to be branded as a pariah. I'm just me, whatever I've done, and I apologize sincerely for whatever offense."

 

No worries, you haven't done a thing to offend me.

 

"Anyway, all the best in the year. My heart and my home will always be open to you."

 

Thanks ~ and likewise! We'll have to try and get together again sooner or later. Take care!

[Aubrey]

Yep, it's really just a matter of whether or not you want to maintain the friendship ~ and it doesn't sound like you do. Either way, I'd likely respond, but I'd keep it short and simple. I'd quote her and reply something like this:

 

"Well, from your brief and factual reply that mentions nothing of getting together nor a phone number, I assume I've said or done something to be branded as a pariah. I'm just me, whatever I've done, and I apologize sincerely for whatever offense."

 

No worries, you haven't done a thing to offend me.

 

"Anyway, all the best in the year. My heart and my home will always be open to you."

 

Thanks ~ and likewise! We'll have to try and get together again sooner or later. Take care!

 

Wow, Colleen, that's BRILLIANT. I don't know if I could pull it off, but it sure does take the zing out of what she wrote. I hadn't seen the manipulation quite so clearly until reading your response.

 

Thank you!!! (& keep warm!)

[Sparkle]

 

Now I've got miniblinds that ds knocked down while standing on the back of the sofa, a crying baby, screaming 1yo, a mailkey *stuck* in the wrong box but holding (WITHholding) the last Christmas gift from Santa, a sore throat, food to cook, and THIS. Whether or not I respond, it's become something, because my insides are all twisted up over it. I *don't* want to hurt her, but...I...she... :001_huh: I don't know. She baffles me.

 

 

:grouphug: Praying for you. Sounds like you could use a drink about now :D Don't let her make your life any more complicated. :grouphug:

[Carol in Cal.]

...the 'sooner or later'--it has JUST a bit of an edge, IMO.

 

I would say 'one of these days' or 'soon' or 'sooner rather than later' or 'after the first of the year'. You're trying for a flat, bland tone, I think, and that little change would accomplish it better.

[OhM]

Everyone has offered good advice. No reply at all would be the way I would go.

 

Would anyone else be sorely tempted to send back, "And this is why I offered no more than a "brief and factual" reply." :001_huh:

Edited December 24, 2008 by OhM
more!

[katilac]

I like Colleen's response, except I wouldn't suggesting getting together - it certainly doesn't sound like you want to (or should!).

 

It's not worth addressing the fact that she didn't include phone number, etc in her message. I'd send a short, cheery reply wishing her the best, and leave it at that.

[hmschoolmom22]

life is short....I feel like this....

 

if a "friend" makes you feel less of yourself, makes you question yourself...it's not a friend that you need.

 

When I'm with a friend, I want to laugh, feel good, be myself, have fun, great conversation, meaningful conversation, etc...

 

I tell my dd's all the time that unless someone makes you feel just as good about yourself or better, they are not worth your time or effort. There are sooo many people in this great world of ours, surround yourself only with great people.

 

((hugs))!

[swellmomma]

I guess it depends on what her overall intention is. I had a best friend for years and we had a major blow up that ended the friendship 4 years ago when ds was entering 1st grade. Last year I contacted her via facebook, to apologize for my part in the end of the friendship, and see how she has been doing. Our friendship will never be what it was, but I knew I had to extend an apology and at least make things a little right again. I am sure she felt the same way when she read my email. I was a crappy friend at the best of times(very insecure and needy in friendships), but since the big blow out I had gotten counselling and a lot of the issues that came to a head in that fight had been dealt with (she called a daycare my son was supposed to attend to "warn" them of the little monster they enrolled - her mother worked there-as a result I boycotted her wedding, alot of terrible things were said on both sides).

 

Anyway, I would recommend the following: accept her apology but let her know too much water is under the bridge and the friendship will never be what it was. You would like to stay in touch etc but you will not be getting emotionally involved in a friendship with her again.

 

It will hurt her I am sure, but in the end if she was truely extending a hand of apology and trying to improve things she will accept it as the best answer you could have given her. At the same time it says loud and clear she can not manipulate you and that you are in charge of yourself in this relationship.

[Julpost]

Yep, it's really just a matter of whether or not you want to maintain the friendship ~ and it doesn't sound like you do. Either way, I'd likely respond, but I'd keep it short and simple. I'd quote her and reply something like this:

 

"Well, from your brief and factual reply that mentions nothing of getting together nor a phone number, I assume I've said or done something to be branded as a pariah. I'm just me, whatever I've done, and I apologize sincerely for whatever offense."

 

No worries, you haven't done a thing to offend me.

 

"Anyway, all the best in the year. My heart and my home will always be open to you."

 

Thanks ~ and likewise! We'll have to try and get together again sooner or later. Take care!

 

Wow, I like that response!!

[Melissa in NC]

Do not reply until you feel like you want to reply. She is using passive aggressive manipulation. It is unreasonable to expect a long response this close to Christmas.

 

When you get some time to write after the holidays, let her know if you want to pursue the relationship or not. That is a decision that you can make. You do not have to have a relationship if you do not wish it.

 

I am sorry this is piling onto you. People get crazy around Christmas.

[elegantlion]

I'm going with Colleen's response. And make sure your door is LOCKED!:D

[Stacy in NJ]

Manipulative. Yeah, that's a good word for her.

 

When we moved, I sort-of forgot to give her a new #. Same email, though.

 

But here's the thing. She lives in the town we moved to. So while it was over an hr to try to get together before, now...

 

She is lonely. She's very dissatisfied w/ her life, but she doesn't want help or advice or anything, just sympathy.

 

She makes me feel like a witch. I've typed a dozen things to describe our relationship & deleted them all. I almost didn't respond to her Christmas email, because that would easily fade into oblivion (I thought the relationship already had).

 

Now I've got miniblinds that ds knocked down while standing on the back of the sofa, a crying baby, screaming 1yo, a mailkey *stuck* in the wrong box but holding (WITHholding) the last Christmas gift from Santa, a sore throat, food to cook, and THIS. Whether or not I respond, it's become something, because my insides are all twisted up over it. I *don't* want to hurt her, but...I...she... :001_huh: I don't know. She baffles me.

 

It sounds as if she's hurt because you moved closer to her, changed your phone number and haven't contacted her.

 

She probably took those as indications that you didn't want to continue the relationship, and it sounds rightly so. She sent the Christmas e-mail as a feeler; trying to determine whether you wanted to remain friends. Your response to her, without a phone number or suggested get together, probably convinced her that you were trying to brush her off. And it sounds as if you were.

 

You're sending her mixed signals. Do you want to be friends or not? Settle it in your own mind then respond appropriately.

[newbie]

Colleen has got it going on.

 

I am a hermit like you , and family and friends at holidays can bring out the best.

 

I have a lot of friends like her and calls are always short and I always get zingers. But I have one true friend who respects me and our friendship. That is the true meaning.

 

Its Christmas, time for your family, and that is what matters most.

 

HUgs.

[Tree House Academy]

No, that is pathetic. She doesn't contact you for a year and a half and then expects you to just throw out your phone number and invite her over in the first contact. What a strange woman.

[G5052]

I have an acquaintance like this. We were once friends, but started drifting in different directions, then had a major difference of opinion, and now don't cross paths very much at all. When we do have contact, she assumes hostility which just isn't there. I figure that we just grew apart and have different friends now. That happens. I'll note that DH never really liked her and told me that he felt that I should move on when we had the difference of opinion.

 

So when we do have contact, I keep it brief and positive, but don't make any hints that I want to get together. I always acknowledge her emails, but ironically she never replies to mine, I guess because of the hostility on her side which she projects onto me.

[LaxMom]

I've got miniblinds that ds knocked down while standing on the back of the sofa, a crying baby, screaming 1yo, a mailkey *stuck* in the wrong box but holding (WITHholding) the last Christmas gift from Santa, a sore throat, food to cook, and THIS.

 

That sounds like an appropriate response. Followed by "and I'll be happy to respond in a chattier tome later. Right now, I wanted to take a moment and wish you a Merry Christmas."

 

And then move and change your number. And email. :D

[dawn of ns]

Sounds like your friend wants the fuss and attention your apology would bring.

 

I think Colleen's reponse is best. Just cut and paste. I'm betting that if you don't buy into her game she won't be interested in you anymore anyway.

[Remudamom]

Gah, she sounds either too needy for words or a nutcase. Who needs it? Shake off the dust, man.

[klmama]

It's time to let that friendship die its natural death, IMHO. Honestly, I wouldn't respond at all. She is too touchy and it isn't worth the emotional turmoil you've already spent on it. A response will encourage more. If you really feel you need to respond to put closure to your feelings about the situation, use Colleen's response, but I'd leave out the getting together part unless you actually want to see her.