Scarlett Posted March 30, 2023 Share Posted March 30, 2023 He has been separated for a year and 9 months from his wife. Their son will be three in August….he was less than a year when she kicked our son out of their apartment. Within a few months it was apparent there was another man involved. Said man moved in with her. Ds27 just called Dh……wife broke up with boyfriend….and she’s sorry. She wants to get back together. What a mess. It is so hard to watch this stuff go on with our adult kids. 30 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Starr Posted March 30, 2023 Share Posted March 30, 2023 Oh my, that is really hard. So many thoughts. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WildflowerMom Posted March 30, 2023 Share Posted March 30, 2023 I’m sorry. I’m guessing she realized the grass wasn’t greener. What’s he thinking about doing? 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BusyMom5 Posted March 30, 2023 Share Posted March 30, 2023 No- just no. 10 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Soror Posted March 30, 2023 Share Posted March 30, 2023 What a train wreck. It's so hard when they are the age to make their own decisions, good and bad. Here's hoping he stays away. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted March 30, 2023 Author Share Posted March 30, 2023 Just now, WildflowerMom said: I’m sorry. I’m guessing she realized the grass wasn’t greener. What’s he thinking about doing? I am gathering from the limited and disjointed text I got from Dh that ds is considering taking her back. She said she would go to to counseling. The thing is…she didn’t just take up with another man….she continued to devastate ds financially…..some of it he allowed…some of it he was really backed in to a corner with. Currently neither one of them have a working vehicle. Such a mess. 1 15 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kassia Posted March 30, 2023 Share Posted March 30, 2023 ugh - that is such a tough situation. 😞 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Amy in NH Posted March 30, 2023 Share Posted March 30, 2023 I have to start by saying I would be super-skeptical about taking her back. And also relate the story of someone who was a friend in the late 1980s. Tina got pregnant senior year of high school. Her boyfriend, who had just graduated, cheated on her while she was pregnant, and he and his new girlfriend moved in together. Tina became a hairdresser to earn a living for herself and her infant son, with support from her parents. I lost touch with Tina when I went off to college, so the rest of the details are a bit hazy. Somewhere around four years later the child's father breaks up with the cheat-girlfriend. He tells Tina that he's sorry and wants to get back together. They work it out and live together as a family, get married, and move to California. They're still (happily?) married today, their son is grown, and they have three grandchildren. So, I guess it can work out? But I'm sure it would take a lot of work for both of them. 2 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WildflowerMom Posted March 30, 2023 Share Posted March 30, 2023 Would she agree to counseling before any decision is made? And maybe individual counseling? if they do get back together, can they maintain separate finances for a while? I don’t know how that would work legally or practically, but it may be something to look into. 11 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Amy in NH Posted March 30, 2023 Share Posted March 30, 2023 18 minutes ago, Scarlett said: I am gathering from the limited and disjointed text I got from Dh that ds is considering taking her back. She said she would go to to counseling. The thing is…she didn’t just take up with another man….she continued to devastate ds financially…..some of it he allowed…some of it he was really backed in to a corner with. Currently neither one of them have a working vehicle. Such a mess. I suppose there must be things he can do to protect his financial life from her potential future abuse - like put a credit hold on his social security number. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lady Florida. Posted March 30, 2023 Share Posted March 30, 2023 That's really hard to watch. There's nothing you can do when an adult child is about to make a poor decision. You can offer advice but unless they asked for it, it will likely fall on deaf ears. (hugs) 8 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted March 30, 2023 Author Share Posted March 30, 2023 2 minutes ago, WildflowerMom said: Would she agree to counseling before any decision is made? And maybe individual counseling? if they do get back together, can they maintain separate finances for a while? I don’t know how that would work legally or practically, but it may be something to look into. I don’t know. The thing is they are both so incredibly financially broke….I have no idea how they can afford counseling. But that is a good idea to suggest to him HE get counseling before he makes any decisions. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted March 30, 2023 Author Share Posted March 30, 2023 Poor Dh…..said he lost. 5 lbs just thinking about it and 10 years off his life. LOL….needless to say he thinks it is a bad idea. 10 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted March 30, 2023 Share Posted March 30, 2023 (edited) If I were giving advice for before he even thinks of moving back in with her (if that is a hope of his) - I would insist on marriage counseling, she must take responsibility for her affair and sincerely apologize. None of that will happen over night, or even within a period of weeks. eta: not just the affair itself, but what she did to him, what she did to their family, what she did to their lives. iow: all the fallout of her choice. Edited March 30, 2023 by gardenmom5 5 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted March 30, 2023 Author Share Posted March 30, 2023 I am to the point with ds27 where I have almost zero desire to offer any thoughts. He listens to nothing….The day his car caught fire I explained how insurance works and that he needed to file a claim with his insurance ….. he was determined to make Kia responsible. After about three months of his car sitting in the Kia parking lot, he finally gave in and filed a claim with his insurance. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Amy in NH Posted March 30, 2023 Share Posted March 30, 2023 I have one like this. We tell him what needs to be done next in any given situation, he pooh-poohs it, does things his way, finds his way doesn't work, and then does what we suggested with good results. I wouldn't stop giving the advice, though, because it does eventually lead to the correct outcome - without the advice he wouldn't know what the right course of action is when his incorrect attempt fails. 7 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bambam Posted March 30, 2023 Share Posted March 30, 2023 Tough situation. And super tough to watch as a parent. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bolt. Posted March 30, 2023 Share Posted March 30, 2023 6 hours ago, Scarlett said: I am to the point with ds27 where I have almost zero desire to offer any thoughts. He listens to nothing….The day his car caught fire I explained how insurance works and that he needed to file a claim with his insurance ….. he was determined to make Kia responsible. After about three months of his car sitting in the Kia parking lot, he finally gave in and filed a claim with his insurance. I think you are wise to consider limiting your advice... but maybe not completely. With the Kia, he went with his gut, but after a reasonable interval and reality making itself clear, he knew what path to take second -- because someone told him what it was. He didn't take that path first, but he did eventually successfully do exactly what you-all had advised in the first place. Without that advice, he wouldn't have had the data to have second thoughts and make a change. With his ex-wife, he probably won't follow any of your-two's advice, just meekly right away. But that doesn't mean that your wisdom won't percolate to the surface eventually. If you don't give any helpful hints at all, that guarantees that he will not be able to follow it, even once he's tried it his way and looking for wisdom a few months later. It's nice when people can find good ideas by remembering prior conversations and wishing they had done it sooner. A few words now can lay the foundation for that process later. 9 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Teaching3bears Posted March 31, 2023 Share Posted March 31, 2023 You can listen to him and he might ask for advice or at least make a better decision because he had someone to hear him out. There is no clear-cut answer here. There is a little boy involved. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted March 31, 2023 Author Share Posted March 31, 2023 Dh will definitely say his peace. He is quite distraught. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shoeless Posted March 31, 2023 Share Posted March 31, 2023 Sounds like the wife's meal ticket ran out. Sorry, Scarlett. This is a mess. I feel bad for the little boy. 😞 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted March 31, 2023 Author Share Posted March 31, 2023 5 hours ago, Shoeless said: Sounds like the wife's meal ticket ran out. Sorry, Scarlett. This is a mess. I feel bad for the little boy. 😞 Me too. As for the wife, she kicked ds26 out and then he continued to pay the rent and utilities until their lease was up. As well as the payment and insurance on both their cars because his name was on both and she would not pay. Then she moved the boyfriend in as soon as he got out of the military. Oh and the boyfriend had been in an accident while in the military and the story was he would be getting some unbelievable monthly payout….. Then her car broke down and ds is trying to get it fix and he has told Dh he is not going to let her have it back because he needs it and he is paying for it. So yes she is a major user. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LucyStoner Posted March 31, 2023 Share Posted March 31, 2023 That’s so sad. What is his motivation to give it another go with her? Is it love for her, desire to keep his son’s family intact or is it loneliness? 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted April 1, 2023 Author Share Posted April 1, 2023 6 hours ago, LucyStoner said: That’s so sad. What is his motivation to give it another go with her? Is it love for her, desire to keep his son’s family intact or is it loneliness? No idea. Maybe all three. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted April 1, 2023 Author Share Posted April 1, 2023 On 3/30/2023 at 5:48 PM, bolt. said: I think you are wise to consider limiting your advice... but maybe not completely. With the Kia, he went with his gut, but after a reasonable interval and reality making itself clear, he knew what path to take second -- because someone told him what it was. He didn't take that path first, but he did eventually successfully do exactly what you-all had advised in the first place. Without that advice, he wouldn't have had the data to have second thoughts and make a change. With his ex-wife, he probably won't follow any of your-two's advice, just meekly right away. But that doesn't mean that your wisdom won't percolate to the surface eventually. If you don't give any helpful hints at all, that guarantees that he will not be able to follow it, even once he's tried it his way and looking for wisdom a few months later. It's nice when people can find good ideas by remembering prior conversations and wishing they had done it sooner. A few words now can lay the foundation for that process later. Thank you. Dh has been rehearsing the things that need to be said. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted April 8, 2023 Author Share Posted April 8, 2023 As predicted she is moving in with him. Her broken car is sitting at her apartment currently so he needs help from Dh to get it moved to a repair shop. Soon I guess because surprise surprise she is being evicted from her apartment. 14 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spryte Posted April 8, 2023 Share Posted April 8, 2023 It’s so hard to sit back and watch. Hugs. 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Not_a_Number Posted April 8, 2023 Share Posted April 8, 2023 What a mess 😕. I’m sorry, Scarlett. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SquirrellyMama Posted April 8, 2023 Share Posted April 8, 2023 3 hours ago, Scarlett said: As predicted she is moving in with him. Her broken car is sitting at her apartment currently so he needs help from Dh to get it moved to a repair shop. Soon I guess because surprise surprise she is being evicted from her apartment. I thought you were about to say she was pregnant. I'm sorry this is such a mess. I understand wanting a stable environment for your child, but I wouldn't not be taking this woman back. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted April 8, 2023 Author Share Posted April 8, 2023 Just now, SquirrellyMama said: I thought you were about to say she was pregnant. I'm sorry this is such a mess. I understand wanting a stable environment for your child, but I wouldn't not be taking this woman back. Oh Lord, her being pregnant would be a new level of dysfunction. I dont think she is but honestly I would not be surprised and I would not be surprised if ds26 just meekly raised the child as his own. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted April 8, 2023 Author Share Posted April 8, 2023 (edited) Apparently ds26 was telling Dh they would be saving like 1500 a month. Not sure of that math because I know she isn’t paying $1500 a month in rent….probably 600-700 which is all the ‘savings’ I can calculate. It is like…..she used him up and took all she could from him…..and now wants him back. Edited April 9, 2023 by Scarlett 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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