thanks

[Drama Llama]

...

Edited March 27, 2023 by BandH

[Scarlett]

How does everyone not already know?
 

I would  ask the coach to send a message to all the parents.

[kbutton]

The how I would react part would be to feel sorry that I'd sent the video and try to make sure I know enough to not accidentally do something like it in the future (I wouldn't need to hear the whole story, just what not to do!). 

Does the coach know? It might be better to have the coach message the whole team vs. you messaging, but I think that it's important for people to know what is okay or not, especially if your DH has, in the past, been around for team events. 

I used to work in childcare at church, and we were not allowed to return a child to anyone who didn't know the passcode (one program) or have a check-in sticker (the other) because we didn't always know if such things were in place. 

I would be as straightforward as possible while preserving privacy--I wouldn't worry about awkwardness. I would make sure the person who passed along the video understands the seriousness but isn't made to feel badly about something he didn't know (if that was the case).

[Drama Llama]

...

Edited March 27, 2023 by BandH

[Grace Hopper]

5 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

 

I would  ask the coach to send a message to all the parents.

Agree. I would definitely talk directly the the one dad involved, and then contact the coach to see how s/he would prefer it be handled. If the coach is unwilling and doesn’t want you to, either… do it anyway. 
 

And I’m sure you have done so but I’ll always add, be sure your lawyer knows. 
 

How much trouble can he get into for violating the OP this way?

Edited March 12, 2023 by Grace Hopper

[Scarlett]

Just now, BandH said:

Why would everyone know?

I guess I thought it was fairly widely know that husband has some serious issues and that he had caused a scene at the ball field parking lot.  

[Drama Llama]

...

Edited March 27, 2023 by BandH

[Grace Hopper]

1 minute ago, Scarlett said:

I guess I thought it was fairly widely know that husband has some serious issues and that he had caused a scene at the ball field parking lot.  

Knowing that he can be a troublemaker versus knowing there’s a standing legal order of protection… two different things. 

[Drama Llama]

...

Edited March 27, 2023 by BandH

[freesia]

I would talk to the dad involved, but I don’t think I’d send an email out because of the isolation issues you mention. Presumably something will happen when you report it to your lawyer. Are there many guys he knows well enough to ask this of? Maybe you could talk to the coach about what he thinks would be best. But I’m aware that coaches can be very young and inexperienced. 

[Drama Llama]

...

Edited March 27, 2023 by BandH

[Mrs Tiggywinkle Again]

If he doesn’t know anyone or this guy, I am going to guess that chances are high that he’ll move onto asking someone else.  If that is a possibility(and obviously you’d know better than I do), you may very well have to alert all the parents.

I’m sorry. I know that’s probably going to have social repercussions for your son. 

[Drama Llama]

...

Edited March 27, 2023 by BandH

[Drama Llama]

...

Edited March 27, 2023 by BandH

[Annie G]

Does dh have contact info for the parents? If so, then parents probably do need to know about OP at this point so he doesn’t just ask another parent.

How would I react if I was a parent of a kid on the team? Feel bad for the kid going through it but also glad to know in case dad shows up and I need to be prepared to call police or to stand near the kid in case he needs an adult to count on. 
Our kids have had some friends in situations as difficult as what your kids are going through, and we made the choice to let the kids continue their friendships.  One of those friendships is still strong and the ‘kids’ are 30 now. Others faded away. 
 

Is the parent providing the video potentially in trouble if he continues? That part wasn’t quite clear to me. 

[Drama Llama]

...

Edited March 27, 2023 by BandH

[Annie G]

Thanks for clarifying. I didn’t realize that. 

[freesia]

I forgot to answer the how I’d react part. I would be concerned for the child involved. I would still let my child socialize with that child. I would probably feel more comfortable with the socializing happening in a home rather than hanging out at a park or something. 

[SKL]

I wonder if it would work to do the following:

a) Talk briefly to the guy who sent the photos/videos.  You don't have to explain reasons, just something like "Hi Joe, can I talk to you for a second?  There's a protective order regarding my son and his dad; dad is not allowed to request or receive photos or videos of my sons.  Even if he asks you, please just ignore and don't send him any more.  Thanks!"

b) Could the coach make a generic announcement that nobody's allowed to send photos or videos of someone else's kids to anyone, including non-custodial parents?

As to how I'd feel if I were the other parents receiving this message?  I would assume someone had need for that rule and I'd respect it.  It wouldn't change how I deal with anyone in person.

[Rosie_0801]

Put around a message making it clear that this is a court order, not a personal favour you're asking where one might feel it more appropriate to sympathise with the other guy.

 

[BusyMom5]

I'm sorry 😞   If I did this, I would want to know that it is a legal matter- I wouldn't need details, just non-custodial parent that is currently prohibited by court order from asking for or receiving pics and videos of said kid.   Its probably a nice guy who has no clue and thought he was being helpful.  If either you or the coach told me, I would want to apologize to you directly.  I would think that it would be helpful to ask the person who sent the video as well as other parents how he contacted them- you need to know that for court and to watch for it in other sports and with your other son.  I think it needs to go out to all parents,  let the chips fall where they may.  

I feel so badly for your boys!  

[Grace Hopper]

1 hour ago, BandH said:

DH or soccer guy?

I meant dh, I assumed he was the one responsible for obeying the order. 
 

If it’s true that any person acting as a go between can get in trouble, even unwittingly…. well if I were in your shoes I might consider it my responsibility to let the other parents know. Especially if dh may just move to the next person on the contact list.

I do find it hard to imagine that an unwitting person could get in trouble. How is anyone in your ds’s realm supposed to know that? Are you expected to inform everyone? That’s unthinkable. (I do understand that a go-between who knows about the order willingly helping dh violate it would be in trouble.)

[wathe]

Coach might send out a notice to all families, indicating that a child on the team has a court order of protection and please do not share photos or video that contain images of any child other than your own.  There is no reason for the other families to know which kid, or protection from whom.

[Melissa in Australia]

2 hours ago, wathe said:

Coach might send out a notice to all families, indicating that a child on the team has a court order of protection and please do not share photos or video that contain images of any child other than your own.  There is no reason for the other families to know which kid, or protection from whom.

this

When my twins were younger and going to preschool there was a performance day. Lots of parents were in attendance. At that time there was a court order re-photos being taken and uploaded of my twins.  So the preschool made an announcement at the start of the performance that NO photos or videos were to be taken at all. my boys weren't singled out , Nobody knew it was about a court order for my boys.

[Clemsondana]

As a parent of 2 sports kids, I would actually be much more comfortable with being told not to share video with a particular person than being told not to share anything of any kid with any other parent.  It is very common for there to be one or 2 people who take tons of pictures or record video that they share with all parents on the team.  There are apps where play-by-play info and also video can be shared live as they occur during the game.  These are really popular with parents who have to work during the game time, grandparents who can't travel, etc.  It's not reasonable to block all of this from everybody.  Even if, at this age, it is just one parent sending video this will possibly change depending on league or specific team or the tech capabilities of the parents on the team, so it seems like it would be good to go ahead and get a policy to deal with it.  

But, I don't know any parent who would not be willing to accommodate not sending or sharing with one person.  Somebody administrating an app can make the info private and admit people individually.  Footage or pictures can be shared in groups that do not include the person with the OP.  In our sports circles, parents would likely become more protective of the kid involved and I don't see social exclusion happening, although I could be wrong.  But, if parents are told not to set up a camera, record the game, and then send it to grandma I could see it causing resentment.  For some sports (basball, for instance) it's easy to get video of just your kid.  For other sports (basketball, volleyball) most plays involve multiple players so it would be very difficult to only share video or pics of your own kid with no others in the picture.  But, it would be very easy to not share with one person if asked.  

Edited to answer the question - In this case, if I knew the parent I'd talk to them directly.  If not, and the coach was willing, I'd let the coach handle it.  Likely they should speak to the parent who is probably unknowingly violating the order directly and then send a general message to the parents.  

Edited March 12, 2023 by Clemsondana

[Faith-manor]

7 hours ago, BusyMom5 said:

I'm sorry 😞   If I did this, I would want to know that it is a legal matter- I wouldn't need details, just non-custodial parent that is currently prohibited by court order from asking for or receiving pics and videos of said kid.   Its probably a nice guy who has no clue and thought he was being helpful.  If either you or the coach told me, I would want to apologize to you directly.  I would think that it would be helpful to ask the person who sent the video as well as other parents how he contacted them- you need to know that for court and to watch for it in other sports and with your other son.  I think it needs to go out to all parents,  let the chips fall where they may.  

I feel so badly for your boys!  

This. We had foster care children in our 4H group, and knowing the limits and safety issues were key for us as leaders to manage it well for everyone as well as not violate the law. I think though it has social ramifications, you probably do need to advise the parents through the coach. One thing I find odd is that there appears to be no media policy. In 4H, we had a strict policy established by the state. Parents had to sign a media release in order to even have their kids included in photos and videos, names in articles, etc. Parents were informed of who had media releases and who did not. They were informed that photographing or videoing any student without a media release would earn their family a one year sit-out penalty from participating in 4H, and no one but 4H leaders and employees could post a photo or video of the group. Take pics of your own child only was the motto. Group photos were managed by us, and we kept children without media release on the side line which was sad for them, but also best for them. Twice we found out that some adult or teen violated this and put photos of students on facebookor instagram that should not have been out there. These families were forced to immediately remove the content and sit out a year of 4H which made them madder than snot, but they had no excuse because the policy was laid out in detail in writing, and they had to read and sign it in order to enroll or re-enroll their family.

Groups who offer extra curricular activities cannot control for everything, but they can exercise some reasonable safety procedures when it comes to the use of student images. I would encourage you to bring that up with the coach and managing organization. Your children have likely not been the first to have these issues, and sadly, will not be the last. They need a policy, and try to exercise some caution. The vast majority of parents will comply when informed. 

[TexasProud]

5 hours ago, Melissa in Australia said:

this

When my twins were younger and going to preschool there was a performance day. Lots of parents were in attendance. At that time there was a court order re-photos being taken and uploaded of my twins.  So the preschool made an announcement at the start of the performance that NO photos or videos were to be taken at all. my boys weren't singled out , Nobody knew it was about a court order for my boys.

Yeah, I would not be happy AT ALL if I couldn't take a video of my own kid. ( I mean I get it for certain theater productions, though to be honest, I have taken them discreetly as have all the other theater moms.) I would happily abide to not taking it of another child, but my own, not so much.  I have a right to take my own child's picture.

[freesia]

10 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

Yeah, I would not be happy AT ALL if I couldn't take a video of my own kid. ( I mean I get it for certain theater productions, though to be honest, I have taken them discreetly as have all the other theater moms.) I would happily abide to not taking it of another child, but my own, not so much.  I have a right to take my own child's picture.

This really rubs me the wrong way. I’m not sure it’s technically true that you have a right to take your own child’s picture as much as there is no law that you can’t. But there are laws protecting some of the other children. Your desire to record every moment of your child’s life is a desire not a need. You can mark the moment with a pic of your child in costume after the show. We have taped some of our dd’s productions but actually never rewatch them. I can’t see how anyone’s quality of life is impacted by not having a video of one game or season or production. Yet, it can make a huge difference in all those things for children with PO’s. You seem to prioritize your emotions over other children’s safety by going ahead and taping. 

[TexasProud]

6 minutes ago, freesia said:

This really rubs me the wrong way. I’m not sure it’s technically true that you have a right to take your own child’s picture as much as there is no law that you can’t. But there are laws protecting some of the other children. Your desire to record every moment of your child’s life is a desire not a need. You can mark the moment with a pic of your child in costume after the show. We have taped some of our dd’s productions but actually never rewatch them. I can’t see how anyone’s quality of life is impacted by not having a video of one game or season or production. Yet, it can make a huge difference in all those things for children with PO’s. You seem to prioritize your emotions over other children’s safety by going ahead and taping. 

My kids are grown, so it doesn't apply.  But yes, I want a record and yes I have made videos for personal use.  I do not put them on Facebook or any social media.  But for her kids to see and/or as an archive if she ever gets famous. Yes.   But my kids are all in their late 20's so this is a mute point for me. 

[pinball]

11 minutes ago, freesia said:

This really rubs me the wrong way. I’m not sure it’s technically true that you have a right to take your own child’s picture as much as there is no law that you can’t. But there are laws protecting some of the other children. Your desire to record every moment of your child’s life is a desire not a need. You can mark the moment with a pic of your child in costume after the show. We have taped some of our dd’s productions but actually never rewatch them. I can’t see how anyone’s quality of life is impacted by not having a video of one game or season or production. Yet, it can make a huge difference in all those things for children with PO’s. You seem to prioritize your emotions over other children’s safety by going ahead and taping. 

Explain how a video or picture a person takes of their own child that they never intend to share and will not share with another person “can make a huge difference in all those things for children with PO’s”

and before anyone lashes out at me for for being selfish, etc, etc…I’d comply with someone’s request not to take videos or pictures bc of another child’s situation. 

[pinball]

Also, how can a random unrelated person violate a protection order they are not a part of?

Bill takes a picture and send it to the dad bc the dad asks. Someone in the family tells Bill can’t do it again or he’s violation or THEIR FAMILY’S protection order? 

How does that work? What happens to Bill? Is he arrested? Charged with what?

Bill should probably call a lawyer the minute someone has the “if you this again” conversation.

[Mrs Tiggywinkle Again]

I think there’s a huge difference between taking videos of a child at a game and sending it to someone that child has a PO against and taking videos/pictures of your own child playing. 
DH and I both frequently work when our kids have games. We try to take the ambulance over if we can and watch if possible but if not, grandparents send us loads of videos and pictures.  I’d be kind of upset if they came down with a no picture policy.

none of our kids’ sports teams(baseball and soccer) have ever had any kind of a media policy or release form.

[freesia]

10 minutes ago, pinball said:

Explain how a video or picture a person takes of their own child that they never intend to share and will not share with another person “can make a huge difference in all those things for children with PO’s”

and before anyone lashes out at me for for being selfish, etc, etc…I’d comply with someone’s request not to take videos or pictures bc of another child’s situation. 

Because things do get shared. “I’ll just send this to Grandma, there’s no harm .” The PP says it was just her child—that’s her moral line, I guess. But, if it was “just her child” but Zoe happened to be in the background and she shared it with Grandma, who shared it with her good friend Lily, who just happened to be the mother of Zoe’s non-custodial abusive father, who hadn’t wanted Zoe to do theater or didn’t know where Zoe was living because of DV, then it puts Zoe in danger. Not taking a picture of your child  is a tiny price to pay. It harms no one except the “harm” of not getting what you want. @TexasProud, to me it’s like you are being like the folks around you who wouldn’t take Covid precautions. You knew how important it was to protect your mom, but everyone else just did what they wanted. I know your kids are grown.  I don’t think you are a horrible person or anything and I’m definitely not angry with you. I just don’t agree with your decision and am explaining why for other people for whom it might apply.

[Drama Llama]

...

Edited March 27, 2023 by BandH

[wendyroo]

4 minutes ago, Mrs Tiggywinkle Again said:

none of our kids’ sports teams(baseball and soccer) have ever had any kind of a media policy or release form.

Lots of kid activity places around here have media release forms, but they only apply to images the company takes of the kids and wants to share on their official platforms.

Nowhere has every tried to institute a policy about parents taking videos during activities. And while I certainly aim to take pictures and videos primarily of my own kids, it is not uncommon for other kids to be in the shot.

[Drama Llama]

...

Edited March 27, 2023 by BandH

[pinball]

19 minutes ago, BandH said:

I have no idea what the consequences would be, but knowingly helping someone stalk a child shouldn't be legal.  

I’d be prepared to tell the Bills of the world what the consequences will be, otherwise they might perceive them as empty threats

[pinball]

20 minutes ago, freesia said:

Because things do get shared. “I’ll just send this to Grandma, there’s no harm .” The PP says it was just her child—that’s her moral line, I guess. But, if it was “just her child” but Zoe happened to be in the background and she shared it with Grandma, who shared it with her good friend Lily, who just happened to be the mother of Zoe’s non-custodial abusive father, who hadn’t wanted Zoe to do theater or didn’t know where Zoe was living because of DV, then it puts Zoe in danger. Not taking a picture of your child  is a tiny price to pay. It harms no one except the “harm” of not getting what you want. @TexasProud, to me it’s like you are being like the folks around you who wouldn’t take Covid precautions. You knew how important it was to protect your mom, but everyone else just did what they wanted. I know your kids are grown.  I don’t think you are a horrible person or anything and I’m definitely not angry with you. I just don’t agree with your decision and am explaining why for other people for whom it might apply.

So you don’t have an explanation of how an unshared photo can affect a child with a PO, which is the question I asked

[freesia]

4 minutes ago, pinball said:

So you don’t have an explanation of how an unshared photo can affect a child with a PO, which is the question I asked

An unshared picture does not affect a child with a PO. However, I think it would be naive to assume that all the pictures/videos that were surreptitiously taken were never shared. And, for example, let’s say you do take a video like that and then the father of one of the kids reaches out and asks for it. It wouldn’t cross my mind not to share a video with a family member of a kid in a show. Now, I know you are saying it’s only of Texas’s kid, but we have that on faith and know nothing of the videos of the other people who did that. And in soccer, it is almost impossible to have a shot with just one kid. I have learned that when I think a rule like this is ridiculous, often there is a very real reason for the rule. One that I would never imagine. I would never have thought up B&H’s restriction. The attitude of I can do what I want—you can’t tell me not to xyz really depends on the sense and moral lines of the people who have that attitude. Texas only take pic of her own kids, others may have different lines including sharing with a kid’s non-custodial father. 

[Drama Llama]

...

 

Edited March 27, 2023 by BandH

[Pam in CT]

re disseminating safety information without singling out which kid is endangered

9 hours ago, wathe said:

Coach might send out a notice to all families, indicating that a child on the team has a court order of protection and please do not share photos or video that contain images of any child other than your own.  There is no reason for the other families to know which kid, or protection from whom.

This.  And there are other contexts than PO where similar safety measures are called for anyway, including foster placements...

6 hours ago, Melissa in Australia said:

this

When my twins were younger and going to preschool there was a performance day. Lots of parents were in attendance. At that time there was a court order re-photos being taken and uploaded of my twins.  So the preschool made an announcement at the start of the performance that NO photos or videos were to be taken at all. my boys weren't singled out , Nobody knew it was about a court order for my boys.

... so the precaution is something that many families have already had some degree of exposure to.

 

And at that point, it becomes something akin to the one kid in the classroom who has a life-threatening peanut allergy.

Sure, there's always That Parent who vehemently insists that Muh Right to Pack a PBJ > the allergic kid's right to not be sent into anaphylactic reaction.  It's not necessarily a legal obligation that parents value the safety of other families' kids.

34 minutes ago, freesia said:

...Not taking a picture of your child  is a tiny price to pay. It harms no one except the “harm” of not getting what you want. @TexasProud, to me it’s like you are being like the folks around you who wouldn’t take Covid precautions. You knew how important it was to protect your mom, but everyone else just did what they wanted. I know your kids are grown.  I don’t think you are a horrible person or anything and I’m definitely not angry with you. I just don’t agree with your decision and am explaining why for other people for whom it might apply.

But most decent people *do* honor the lives and safety of other folks' kids once they understand the risk.

So disseminating the risk (without identifying the kid) will at a minimum **reduce** the risk, because **most** parents will accept a small tradeoff to protect someone else's kid.  And better is better.

 

 

[And, yeah, sadly, there always will be That Parent who doesn't GAF.  Perhaps in your state the PO law imposes a degree of legal liability on That Parent once there's been a specific notification... but the possiblity that if That Person knowingly persists in cuing the person under PO to kid's whereabouts, and god forbid disaster ensues, it's pretty slim comfort that under the law you might be able, at tremendous cost and stress, be able to lodge a damages suit against That Person.]

[pinball]

1 hour ago, Mrs Tiggywinkle Again said:

I think there’s a huge difference between taking videos of a child at a game and sending it to someone that child has a PO against and taking videos/pictures of your own child playing. 
DH and I both frequently work when our kids have games. We try to take the ambulance over if we can and watch if possible but if not, grandparents send us loads of videos and pictures.  I’d be kind of upset if they came down with a no picture policy.

none of our kids’ sports teams(baseball and soccer) have ever had any kind of a media policy or release form.

It doesn’t seem like most of the posters in this thread agree with you

[freesia]

FWIW, I do think the odds are really good the father who sent the videos will completely understand and will probably even apologize. Like I said, even having taught and dealt with custody issues, if a dad asked me for pictures or video I had, I probably would have sent them. I know I asked for pix from a dad once and he sent them with no question. Now I was the parent who attended the game, but still, like others have said, sharing pictures among parents is just a done thing. 

[pinball]

10 hours ago, wathe said:

Coach might send out a notice to all families, indicating that a child on the team has a court order of protection and please do not share photos or video that contain images of any child other than your own.  There is no reason for the other families to know which kid, or protection from whom.

How would this work if once everyone knows they can’t do it and do it anyway, they are violating an order of protection?

would the coach have everyone sign an acknowledgment of the situation?

 

[Drama Llama]

...

 

Edited March 27, 2023 by BandH

[Jean in Newcastle]

I wonder if the SIL who had “randomly “ shown up at the game awhile ago had actually shown up specifically to ask for these videos to be sent, thus allowing her brother to get around the PO?  

[Scarlett]

11 hours ago, SKL said:

I wonder if it would work to do the following:

a) Talk briefly to the guy who sent the photos/videos.  You don't have to explain reasons, just something like "Hi Joe, can I talk to you for a second?  There's a protective order regarding my son and his dad; dad is not allowed to request or receive photos or videos of my sons.  Even if he asks you, please just ignore and don't send him any more.  Thanks!"

b) Could the coach make a generic announcement that nobody's allowed to send photos or videos of someone else's kids to anyone, including non-custodial parents?

As to how I'd feel if I were the other parents receiving this message?  I would assume someone had need for that rule and I'd respect it.  It wouldn't change how I deal with anyone in person.

To the bolded, I  Would not do that.  

[Clemsondana]

From a social perspective, asking people not to share pictures or video with Person X, or even 'Any relatives of Fred besides his mom' would have no repercussions at all in my world.  But, I think you're right to think that being asked to take and share no video or pictures at all would be a problem.  It's not just about people selfishly wanting to record every minute of their child's life.  For my kids' entire lives, we either lived across the country from all relatives or in the same town as one set of grandparents, several hours away from all other relatives.  My in-laws can no longer travel at all.  The only way that they can see their grandchildren do anything is if we take video and pictures to them.  My sibling works in athletics so will never be free to visit during an athletic season, and therefore will never see my kids play a sport outside of the video and pictures that we send.  If we knew that we'd never be able to record anything, it would create hard feelings.  But, if we knew that we just needed to keep it private, we'd be perfectly fine with that.  We wouldn't think twice about a coach requesting that, and we'd be more careful about what we shared with whom.  But, we've often been at events and snapped pictures to text to parents who can't be there, and I've also gotten pics from other parents who snapped a pic of my kid when I couldn't be there to see them.  

Edited to add: Release forms are about what the organization can share, not usually about individuals.  Our co-op, preschool, church youth events, etc, have all had photo permission slips.  Those are so that the school or co-op can/can't include the student in pictures that the organization posts on their websites or in emails.  Those are not related to whether an individual parent can take a picture for their own use.  If asked, most parents would be amenable to not sharing the pictures or making them available such that certain people could see them.  

Edited March 12, 2023 by Clemsondana

[TexasProud]

1 hour ago, freesia said:

Because things do get shared. “I’ll just send this to Grandma, there’s no harm .” The PP says it was just her child—that’s her moral line, I guess. But, if it was “just her child” but Zoe happened to be in the background and she shared it with Grandma, who shared it with her good friend Lily, who just happened to be the mother of Zoe’s non-custodial abusive father, who hadn’t wanted Zoe to do theater or didn’t know where Zoe was living because of DV, then it puts Zoe in danger. Not taking a picture of your child  is a tiny price to pay. It harms no one except the “harm” of not getting what you want. @TexasProud, to me it’s like you are being like the folks around you who wouldn’t take Covid precautions. You knew how important it was to protect your mom, but everyone else just did what they wanted. I know your kids are grown.  I don’t think you are a horrible person or anything and I’m definitely not angry with you. I just don’t agree with your decision and am explaining why for other people for whom it might apply.

That is fine. I will say a few more things and we will probably still disagree.  Then I will go back to the OP.

1. OP has already shared about sports and how important it is for recruiting when they get 13 and older, especially for high level camps and such. 

2. Theatre, yeah pictures are all over the newspaper and such.  ( I have tons of clippings from my daughter in high school.)

3. This is just a personal reason and why I made the comments I did, and maybe too strongly I admit.  But right now I am obsessed with making sure we have stuff to remember.  I have very few videos of my mom. Pictures yes, but videos of her talking and doing things. No.  I want  her to be remembered. I want to be remembered in 100 years. I want my kids to be remembered in 100 years.  I am frantically trying to put stuff together so that when our descendants wonder what we are like, they will know. 

And more than that. My memory stinks. I mean stinks.  I do not remember a lot.  As I have been going through our old home movies, I had forgotten so. much. stuff.  I need those videos to help me remember.

4. And yes, as the person just wrote, relatives cannot travel. They want to see.

Now putting that on the internet for the world to see is a completely different matter. I actually put very, very, very little on social media. In fact, I didn't even have social media until after the boys were grown. 

But it is more than just getting what I want. It is deeply important to me. Deeply.

OP. I am sorry you are in such a sucky position. I would have absolutely no problem making sure your child was in none of my shots. Nor would I share to your ex-husband.  But yeah, my guess is there will be some social repercussions and that is really, really, really not fair for your kid. Not fair at all. It really sucks.  

[livetoread]

It's a difficult situation, and I've leaned several ways while reading the responses. I think I'd settle on talking to the guy directly and then asking the coach to send out an email requesting that no one send videos to non-custodial parents. I think asking parents to not film is more than is needed, and asking them to not send film to anyone is also more than is needed. The specific problem is giving anything to ex. If someone on the team also has other issues that make sharing film dangerous, then they can speak up as well, and accommodations can be made. 

I understand singling out your kid even more, and that really stinks. It sounds like people would already know it's your kid and there have already been precautions taken that single him out, so I'm not sure how much more damage would be done by asking for no sharing with non-custodial parents. There would be a lot more hard feelings about no sharing in general or no filming.

One issue I could see with this solution is whether people know who non-custodial parents are. Perhaps he should just be named to be clear. I don't know though. Ugh, I'm so sorry everything gets complicated for you and your kids, B&H, even fun things.