wendyroo Posted January 10, 2023 Share Posted January 10, 2023 He wasn't an easy guy to like. Well, that's not exactly true - he was very easy for strangers to like. He would chat about their dogs and where their accents were from and if they had visited the local lighthouse. What they didn't know is that he had promised to watch the children at the campsite, and his blissful self-involvement meant there was a 9 year old trying to care for her panicked 4 year old brother as the picnic table caught fire because my grandfather had started water boiling on a camp stove and wandered away long enough for it to boil dry and start the stove on fire. He was 60 at the time. He would watch toddlers meander into roads, unrepentantly cause traffic accidents, and allow his roof to collapse around him when he had more than adequate funds to pay for repairs and multiple adult children begging him to let them hire a crew...all because he was convinced that God's plan was preordained and therefore it didn't matter what he did. He felt his piety entitled him to whatever he wanted, and that there was no reason to consider the rights or feelings of the "less deserving". He kicked my father out of the house at 16 because my father questioned where in the Bible it said they weren't allowed to dance or play with playing cards or watch movies. My grandfather changed his tune a decade later, when I was born, and his wife died, and his house started falling apart from complete lack of maintenance or upkeep. Suddenly my dad was allowed to come over...more as a servant than anything. And that is how the last 40 years have gone. It started with demands that my dad clean and fix and keep up my grandfather's house...sprinkled with comments about how my parents and their children would go to hell. Things just got worse over the years. My grandfather was never self-sufficient (he was too "deserving" to clean up after himself, buy his own clothing, pay his own bills, etc.), but he also refused to move out of his house. So for 20 years he set the house on fire, ate rotten food, had carpet crusted with feces, and called up my father day and night because his sink overflowed...after leaving the faucet on for three days while filling the sink with dirty dishes, or he didn't have heat...because he had failed to mention his basement had been flooded with two feet of water for a week, or his computer wasn't working...because the mice he was purposefully feeding in the house had gnawed through the cord. Last year the court granted my father guardianship of my grandfather and he was moved into a nursing home. Since then he has been nothing but nasty and hostile. They had to take away his room phone because he kept calling 911 and the FBI to report that he had been kidnapped by his despotic son. He has said the most vile and malicious things to my father. Right up until the end he was just as self-centered, thoughtless and intolerant as he was when he was 60 and 40 and 20 years old. And today he died...and a whole family breathes a sigh of relief that it is over and that hopefully the afterlife treats him as he believes he "deserves". 38 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Arcadia Posted January 10, 2023 Share Posted January 10, 2023 I have relatives that we feel like popping champagne at their funerals but they aren’t as horrifying as your grandpa. I am glad he is no longer able to torment your dad and other people. My in-laws love to pull the piety guilt trip but your grandpa’s behavior is extreme. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dirty ethel rackham Posted January 10, 2023 Share Posted January 10, 2023 How horrible for your dad! Blessings to all of you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fraidycat Posted January 10, 2023 Share Posted January 10, 2023 Your poor dad. I hope he enjoys some peace and quiet now. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wendyroo Posted January 10, 2023 Author Share Posted January 10, 2023 2 minutes ago, fraidycat said: Your poor dad. I hope he enjoys some peace and quiet now. My aunt is planning a funeral for Gramps. She was only 18 when her mom died, and I think she has spend the last 40 years waiting for Gramps to show any inkling that he could take his children's feelings into account. Since he failed her in life, she now seems determined to seek closure from his death. My mom and dad, on the other hand, are planning to skip the funeral and go to a brew pub to raise a glass to Gramps. Gramps, who would come to my parents' house as a guest, and would call my dad "an alcoholic who will go to hell" if he drank a beer in the evening after spending the day filing Gramps' taxes for him. A brew pub toast seems like a fitting tribute. 15 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsheresomewhere Posted January 10, 2023 Share Posted January 10, 2023 I hope your family enjoys this weight being lifted off of everyone. There is a certain relative in our family that when they pass, there might be some dancing and singing a certain song from the Wizard of Oz. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted January 10, 2023 Share Posted January 10, 2023 (edited) I'm so sorry. He sounds mentally ill - or brain damaged. And it is a relief. Edited January 10, 2023 by gardenmom5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Storygirl Posted January 10, 2023 Share Posted January 10, 2023 Well, I'm sorry about all that. Your father and aunt surely didn't get what they deserved in the parenting department. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wendyroo Posted January 10, 2023 Author Share Posted January 10, 2023 3 minutes ago, gardenmom5 said: I'm so sorry. He sounds mentally ill - or brain damaged. And it is a relief. I expect he probably had autism...though clearly would not have been diagnosed in the '30s or '40s. His rigidity, fixation, self-centeredness, etc. He never had it in him to adult - went directly from his parents, to his wife, to his second wife, to relying entirely on his children even though he was still only middle aged. But through it all he never saw a problem with not carrying even his own weigh, much less putting effort into wives, children, grandchildren, maintaining his home, etc. He expected everyone to put effort into him (because he was so "deserving"), but could not find it in himself to care at all about anyone else. When Peter was 5 he prepared a poem to recite at Thanksgiving, and Gramps interrupted him twice to ask if it was almost time to eat. My greatest fear is that my autistic children will end up like him. 1 10 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wendyroo Posted January 10, 2023 Author Share Posted January 10, 2023 7 minutes ago, Storygirl said: Well, I'm sorry about all that. Your father and aunt surely didn't get what they deserved in the parenting department. There are actually two other siblings as well, but they hit the road long ago. One at the age of 20 to become a missionary around the world, only coming home every five years since. And the other to marry a man very much like Gramps, who just needs and deserves so much of her time that he has entirely cut her off from her family. 11 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted January 10, 2023 Share Posted January 10, 2023 2 hours ago, wendyroo said: My greatest fear is that my autistic children will end up like him. You are likely far more aware than his mother was - and things can be taught. He had to have some level of function or he would have been on the street, which indicates he was capable of learning. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Katy Posted January 10, 2023 Share Posted January 10, 2023 I’m so sorry for all of it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Melissa in Australia Posted January 10, 2023 Share Posted January 10, 2023 Hugs Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ausmumof3 Posted January 10, 2023 Share Posted January 10, 2023 I am sorry. I know several families with a “patriarch” like this and in all of them the grandkids have autism diagnoses. I do hope with our improving understanding and better therapies these kids will not turn out similarly - if nothing else society will do more to support them because it’s understood that it’s a disability: I do hope your parents can have some peace and quiet now it’s over. That is a long hard burden to carry over so many years. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TexasProud Posted January 10, 2023 Share Posted January 10, 2023 Hugs... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sheryl Posted January 10, 2023 Share Posted January 10, 2023 11 hours ago, wendyroo said: He wasn't an easy guy to like. Well, that's not exactly true - he was very easy for strangers to like. He would chat about their dogs and where their accents were from and if they had visited the local lighthouse. What they didn't know is that he had promised to watch the children at the campsite, and his blissful self-involvement meant there was a 9 year old trying to care for her panicked 4 year old brother as the picnic table caught fire because my grandfather had started water boiling on a camp stove and wandered away long enough for it to boil dry and start the stove on fire. He was 60 at the time. He would watch toddlers meander into roads, unrepentantly cause traffic accidents, and allow his roof to collapse around him when he had more than adequate funds to pay for repairs and multiple adult children begging him to let them hire a crew...all because he was convinced that God's plan was preordained and therefore it didn't matter what he did. He felt his piety entitled him to whatever he wanted, and that there was no reason to consider the rights or feelings of the "less deserving". He kicked my father out of the house at 16 because my father questioned where in the Bible it said they weren't allowed to dance or play with playing cards or watch movies. My grandfather changed his tune a decade later, when I was born, and his wife died, and his house started falling apart from complete lack of maintenance or upkeep. Suddenly my dad was allowed to come over...more as a servant than anything. And that is how the last 40 years have gone. It started with demands that my dad clean and fix and keep up my grandfather's house...sprinkled with comments about how my parents and their children would go to hell. Things just got worse over the years. My grandfather was never self-sufficient (he was too "deserving" to clean up after himself, buy his own clothing, pay his own bills, etc.), but he also refused to move out of his house. So for 20 years he set the house on fire, ate rotten food, had carpet crusted with feces, and called up my father day and night because his sink overflowed...after leaving the faucet on for three days while filling the sink with dirty dishes, or he didn't have heat...because he had failed to mention his basement had been flooded with two feet of water for a week, or his computer wasn't working...because the mice he was purposefully feeding in the house had gnawed through the cord. Last year the court granted my father guardianship of my grandfather and he was moved into a nursing home. Since then he has been nothing but nasty and hostile. They had to take away his room phone because he kept calling 911 and the FBI to report that he had been kidnapped by his despotic son. He has said the most vile and malicious things to my father. Right up until the end he was just as self-centered, thoughtless and intolerant as he was when he was 60 and 40 and 20 years old. And today he died...and a whole family breathes a sigh of relief that it is over and that hopefully the afterlife treats him as he believes he "deserves". Oh dear! I'm so sorry for your loss. After reading the post in it's entirety I can see now why it may be bittersweet for you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harriet Vane Posted January 10, 2023 Share Posted January 10, 2023 I have some painful family relationships as well. I hear you. I'm so sorry for the havoc and damage this man caused your family. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stephanier.1765 Posted January 10, 2023 Share Posted January 10, 2023 Hugs! I just don't have the right words so all I can offer are virtual hugs. You can have as many of those as you need. ❤️ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TechWife Posted January 10, 2023 Share Posted January 10, 2023 Hugs to you & your family. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spryte Posted January 10, 2023 Share Posted January 10, 2023 I am so sorry. Hoping for peace, for all of you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
prairiewindmomma Posted January 10, 2023 Share Posted January 10, 2023 Hugs!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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