Is this typical of marriage?

[mlktwins]

10 minutes ago, catz said:

Every night?

I married at 29.  I worked professionally for many years.  I traveled alone for work and pleasure regularly.  Including to Europe and Asia.  I went hiking in Nepal.  I owned my own home.  I had my first solo apartment at 22.  My parents never balked at all and I'm sure I gave them pause many times.  So I guess your background can play into expectations here too.   

Although, I'd wait up for my 18 year old senior in some circumstances, I don't think that hard about what my college senior is up to away on campus.  He does have 3 housemates and a campus internship this year.   My kids aren't the break curfew prone to unexpected behavior types really.  Had covid not come around maybe we would have had a phase of that.  

No.  I was living in my own place right after college and married the first time at 26. This was just when I left her house later at night and was before cell phones. She was my best friend so we talked everyday anyway 😊. I didn’t mind.

Edited December 10, 2022 by mlktwins

[sassenach]

4 hours ago, Scarlett said:

I just really don’t get why people hate 360 unless someone is bugging them about their every move. 
We all have it. I don’t ever say anything to ds21 but when I hear a noise at 3 am I can pick up my phone and verify it was him coming in. 
Dh and I talk more about what we see each other doing but in fun. We aren’t annoyed with each other. 

Yeah, my whole family is on find friends and I find it to be a healthy convenience 

[KSera]

I expect a lot of this is family culture as well. My immediate family of origin has a group text chat and people will text if they are leaving on a road trip or flight and then again when they arrive. Nobody demands it, it’s just family culture. I can imagine that could seem strange to people who don’t have that as a custom, but it’s very NBD for us. It’s like how some people say “I love you”at the end of every phone call and others don’t (I don’t). 

[Jaybee]

With my adult kids who live far away, I don't keep up with it. If we have all been together and I know they have a long drive, I do appreciate it when they let me know they have arrived safely. One dd lives by herself a long way away, but she is close friends with a family who lives only 1-2 blocks from her, and I know they check in with her. That gives me peace of mind. She recently called us to tell us she was going on an overseas trip the next day, lol. But she was meeting up with her friends who were expecting her.

Edited December 10, 2022 by Jaybee

[Tanaqui]

The question to ask is not "is this normal" but "is this a symptom of generally controlling behavior in an unhealthy relationship" and "do I want to do this?"

If the answer to both those questions is "yes" then I think the thing to do is to say "Sure, I'll call!" and make an honest attempt to remember to do so when you get home. If remembering is a problem, then perhaps try setting a reminder on your phone for some time after when you expect to be home but before you'll be in bed.

If, however, the answer to either question is "no" then the response should have been "No, I'm not going to do that."

Arguing about whether or not this is "normal" is beside the point and, I think, counterproductive. It turns the conversation from something straightforward and simple to something altogether thorny and messy about who is more normal. And you can't win that argument, so there's no point in starting it. You just spend time on an unpleasant discussion. Worse, by opening the field to discussion you create the impression that if this behavior IS normal then it is also reasonable and you are the one who should acquiesce, whether or not you want to. And, of course, when you forget to call then it looks less like an accident and more like weird passive-aggressive garbage. And I believe that it *was* an accident, but if you hadn't had a pointless argument and had only said "no" to something you didn't want to do then it would not have looked otherwise.

Edited December 10, 2022 by Tanaqui

[BusyMom5]

In reading these responses,  I feel like the problem is deeper in your relationship and has little to do with your original question.  You are dealing with a power embalance.

A few other things my family does- when we stay in a hotel, we send a screen shot of the exact hotel info to our parents, letting them know exactly where we are staying the night.  They do the same. If they fly, we know exactly flight details. We don't have Life 360, but I'm not opposed to it.  I wouldn't be checking it unless they were late coming home.  I never worry about my college kid when she's off at school, but I do expect her to follow similar rules with her roommates- they let each other know if they will be out all night, generally who they are with, etc.  There is no judgment.   There is no power play.  Its just general safety.  

[Not_a_Number]

I've recently taken the stance that I don't care if something is normal -- if it makes me feel pressured or resentful, I ain't doing it. Usually, those feelings are a sign that something is off in the relationship and I'm better off honoring the feeling and stating a boundary than doing it and seething. 

ETA: for this to work, you have to be willing to be open about the fact that you won't do it, though. Not just promise to do it then not to. 

Edited December 10, 2022 by Not_a_Number

[AbcdeDooDah]

1 hour ago, Tanaqui said:

 

And, of course, when you forget to call then it looks less like an accident and more like weird passive-aggressive garbage. And I believe that it *was* an accident, but if you hadn't had a pointless argument and had only said "no" to something you didn't want to do then it would not have looked otherwise.

 

1 hour ago, Not_a_Number said:

I've recently taken the stance that I don't care if something is normal -- if it makes me feel pressured or resentful, I ain't doing it. Usually, those feelings are a sign that something is off in the relationship and I'm better off honoring the feeling and stating a boundary than doing it and seething. 

ETA: for this to work, you have to be willing to be open about the fact that you won't do it, though. Not just promise to do it then not to. 

Right. And I did not say I wouldn’t call. I did think about it a couple of times. I think because I did bristle at his no sleep comment it made it easier to forget. By the time I remembered, I thought, “oh, he’s asleep anyway.” I didn’t take it seriously because it wouldn’t matter to me if someone called or the fact that I don’t relate to not being able to sleep. By this post, I understand that some people do have trouble with that.

I also know that if I decide to set a boundary, it doesn’t matter in the least how I say it. People like him don’t take kindly to any boundary, no matter how nicely it is set. That being said, I will absolutely think about how I phrase things because I admit I’m over dealing with his crap so it comes out sometimes. But, I do want to be the best me. I did not need to make a judgment on his feelings. 

 

 

 

[Not_a_Number]

6 minutes ago, AbcdeDooDah said:

I also know that if I decide to set a boundary, it doesn’t matter in the least how I say it. People like him don’t take kindly to any boundary, no matter how nicely it is set.

Yeah, some people are really, really hard that way. I've found boundaries even more useful with them, though. Even though, yes, setting them is a really frustrating and hard process. 

At the end of the day, even they are happier when they stop expecting things they won't get, though. Not that I recommend setting boundaries for the other person. They are for you. 

[Clarita]

Haven't read all the answers.

I think it could be a reasonable request. In fact it is something I'd like for my husband to do and something that he does for me. This comes from the fact that I have abandonment issues and it's an easy and reasonable thing for him to do to relieve me of my anxiety. I don't think every couple needs to do this. There has been an occasion where he forgot to do it or it wasn't really that convenient; it was hard that evening but I wasn't mad or anything.

I've also seen it as an unreasonable request. I've had relationships where they use these types of tactics to keep tabs on me or because of jealousy or whatnot. Like they also wait outside my dorm and if I'm home at 10:20pm instead of 10pm on the dot they are angry with me. 

[2squared]

I must be weird. We don’t text each other any of this stuff, and I don’t want to start! I have enough to keep track of in my life. Keeping tabs on a fully functioning adult does not make my list. When dh leaves the house, he’s on his own unless he truly needs something from me. I have my job, the kids, and myself to manage. He can manage his own stuff. 

[freesia]

16 minutes ago, 2squared said:

I must be weird. We don’t text each other any of this stuff, and I don’t want to start! I have enough to keep track of in my life. Keeping tabs on a fully functioning adult does not make my list. When dh leaves the house, he’s on his own unless he truly needs something from me. I have my job, the kids, and myself to manage. He can manage his own stuff. 

Nope, not weird! I feel the same way. 

[QueenCat]

We would only text each other like that if traveling, not just normal shopping. As in, I got to Texas. Not every activity while I'm gone. Dh calls at night when traveling, but that's just to chat. If he's going to be out late with coworkers, he'll tell me so that I can decide if I want to stay up to chat. If he knows I went to bed, the last thing I'd want him to do is text me & wake me up. 

[historically accurate]

I thought of this thread when I woke up this morning.

Yesterday, oldest went into Chicago with some online friends (none of whom I know). She was not home by the time I went to bed. I slept really well last night (and that's unusual for me), and I didn't even notice when she came home. It really hit home how unlike Person A I am.

DH slept lightly till she came home, got up when she came in, and then really went to sleep. 

[AbcdeDooDah]

He came home last night and said, “I’m home but I guess you don’t give a $@?!.”

🙄 

Okay. 

 

[Carol in Cal.]

9 minutes ago, AbcdeDooDah said:

He came home last night and said, “I’m home but I guess you don’t give a $@?!.”

🙄

Okay. 

 

Responses that would cross my mind:

“Don’t tell me what I think.”

”I’m glad to see you!  I made cookies, want one?”

”Wow, coming in all aggressive, way to bring down the family mood.”

”Wow, trying to start a fight as soon as you get here?  That’s not going to make me glad to see you.”

”Pretty silly to try to make me look forward to seeing you by being a jerk as soon as you arrive. ”

Edited December 11, 2022 by Carol in Cal.

[AbcdeDooDah]

I went the silent route. 
Out loud anyway.😂

[Scarlett]

Ok obviously something going on. Sounds like he is feeling very insecure about your relationship. 

[Carol in Cal.]

11 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

Ok obviously something going on. Sounds like he is feeling very insecure about your relationship. 

Not to me.  To me it sounds like he is being a controlling, immature jerk.

[Carol in Cal.]

33 minutes ago, AbcdeDooDah said:

I went the silent route. 
Out loud anyway.😂

I think I would go with my last one, personally.

[Carol in Cal.]

26 minutes ago, Carol in Cal. said:

I think I would go with my last one, personally.

I probably ought to explain this.

I usually try not to be sharp tongued, and a lot of the time a soft answer does turn away wrath.  I think it’s  nice to help your spouse feel better, generally.

But there is a balance to be drawn between that and rewarding/encouraging very negative behavior or relationship dynamics.  The issue in the OP’s household is longstanding and fraught.  In that circumstance, I would want my husband to understand that talking to me like that is absolutely not going to get him anywhere good, so don’t even consider it.  If he has to do it to blow off steam, fine.  But if he thinks that doing it will bring about cooperation on my part, then basically I’ve taught him that that is how to treat me.  And that is most assuredly not how to treat me.

[Scarlett]

42 minutes ago, Carol in Cal. said:

Not to me.  To me it sounds like he is being a controlling, immature jerk.

Agree. Which can be brought on by insecurity. But if this is long term stuff could be controlling behavior. 

[Tanaqui]

Okay, well, that all sounds like a problem he should take to his therapist.

[Not_a_Number]

I'm sorry 😕 . It sounds like your household is having a rough time. 

Have you guys done marriage counseling by any chance?  

[lulalu]

I don't sleep well until I know my dh is home safe. We don't share a bed because I sleep better alone. But if he comes home after I am asleep I like to know

[AbcdeDooDah]

14 hours ago, Not_a_Number said:

I'm sorry 😕 . It sounds like your household is having a rough time. 

Have you guys done marriage counseling by any chance?  

It’s contraindicated for our relationship. We’ve both gone separately.