If you have anxiety, or a related diagnosis like PTSD, how do you know if something is a real threat?

[Drama Llama]

PLEASE DON'T QUOTE (or start arguments that get my thread locked so I can't delete)

If you have mental health issues that include anxiety, how do you decide if your fear is something legitimate to act on, or a product of your imagination?

Any strategies?

[Melissa in Australia]

I don't know if it is possable with something like PTSD. Logical brain gets completely overridden. 

Anxiety isn't the same level as PTSD and it can be completely overwhelming at times  but I really hope that living very safely in a very predictable way can in time help overcome the worst of it

[Mrs Tiggywinkle Again]

I don’t.

Accelerated Resolution therapy helped somewhat, but the bottom line is that things/people/situations I would have never imagined were threats became threatening, and that can and does change neurological pathways in ways that can’t be easily fixed. 

 

[Drama Llama]

8 minutes ago, Mrs Tiggywinkle Again said:

I don’t.

Accelerated Resolution therapy helped somewhat, but the bottom line is that things/people/situations I would have never imagined were threats became threatening, and that can and does change neurological pathways in ways that can’t be easily fixed. 

 

So, if your brain is telling you that a situation is dangerous, and you need to do some dramatic thing to stay safe, or keep your kids safe, how do you decide?

Like, if there's no danger, then doing this thing would not be good for the kids, but if there is danger, then not doing it would be worse.  

Edited October 22, 2022 by Baseballandhockey
I can't spell

[Carol in Cal.]

I think that with anxiety something that is helpful is thinking what the worst thing that could happen is, and then sometimes realizing that it’s not that bad OR that you can easily handle it.  

[Drama Llama]

Just now, Carol in Cal. said:

I think that with anxiety something that is helpful is thinking what the worst thing that could happen is, and then sometimes realizing that it’s not that bad OR that you can easily handle it.  

Oh no, the things I am imagining are that bad and I could not handle them. 

 

[Mrs Tiggywinkle Again]

20 minutes ago, Baseballandhockey said:

I accidentally quoted—sorry.

(Please don’t quote)

I assume everything is dangerous when it comes to my kids. DH usually balance me out a bit(like I wouldn’t have allowed baseball because I assume a line drive is going to cause brain damage, but DH gently pointed that out as irrational. I still don’t think it’s that irrational because I literally had a young patient once that it happened to.) but so far our kids are young and don’t often want to do anything that I’d consider dangerous.  I expect we’re heading there, because riding in vehicles driven by people who aren’t close family is one of my hills to die on, and my social butterfly DD is now 10. I literally have no idea how we are going to maneuver that. 

I know therapists will tell you not to catastrophize, but the bottom line is that after fifteen years as a paramedic in a busy system, I have probably actually seen whatever I am catastrophizing about. 

My brother died when we were kids and my parents reacted(probably ptsd driven) by just never allowing us out of their site, even when it was developmentally appropriate.  This went on for most of my teenage years and was not a good thing at all. I am the teenager who was never once dropped off at the mall just to hang out with friends and I had only one friend who’s house I was allowed overnight at, even at 16 or 17. So I try to remember that and not fall into that, but frankly, I’m not really any good at it.

i am probably of no help because this is an area of huge  struggle for me. Just please know you’re in my thoughts.

Edited October 22, 2022 by Mrs Tiggywinkle Again

[Drama Llama]

9 minutes ago, Mrs Tiggywinkle Again said:

(Please don’t quote)

I assume everything is dangerous when it comes to my kids. DH usually balance me out a bit(like I wouldn’t have allowed baseball because I assume a line drive is going to cause brain damage, but DH gently pointed that out as irrational. I still don’t think it’s that irrational because I literally had a young patient once that it happened to.) but so far our kids are young and don’t often want to do anything that I’d consider dangerous.  I expect we’re heading there, because riding in vehicles driven by people who aren’t close family is one of my hills to die on, and my social butterfly DD is now 10. I literally have no idea how we are going to maneuver that. 

I know therapists will tell you not to catastrophize, but the bottom line is that after fifteen years as a paramedic in a busy system, I have probably actually seen whatever I am catastrophizing about. 

My brother died when we were kids and my parents reacted(probably ptsd driven) by just never allowing us out of their site, even when it was developmentally appropriate.  This went on for most of my teenage years and was not a good thing at all. I am the teenager who was never once dropped off at the mall just to hang out with friends and I had only one friend who’s house I was allowed overnight at, even at 16 or 17. So I try to remember that and not fall into that, but frankly, I’m not really any good at it.

i am probably of no help because this is an area of huge  struggle for me. Just please know you’re in my thoughts.

Yeah, I can be very very anxious about things that are objectively pretty safe.

This thing? Or rather this person?  I just don't know.  

[Mrs Tiggywinkle Again]

5 minutes ago, Baseballandhockey said:

Yeah, I can be very very anxious about things that are objectively pretty safe.

This thing? Or rather this person?  I just don't know.  

Just because you(or I) have PTSD doesn’t mean there isn’t a real threat. Obviously that probably sounds dumb coming from someone who assumes the worst case scenario about everything, but I’ve also learned to trust my instincts too.

[freesia]

To be honest, it’s my dh that helps the most. For me, I need to pull way back and do a bit of risk benefit analysis. How likely is this thing actually going to happen. Rarely is there no risk. Is the risk to my child’s mental health greater? I did have to maneuver  through a situation that had high high potential for damage to one of my dc’s bc removing this child from the situation would have had a profound impact in their mental health. It was the hardest thing I ever did. I had to let go of any semblance that I had any control. I saw a therapist through that time and learned to handle my anxieties much better. One thing I needed to learn was to limit how much I ruminated on the situation. I kept feeling like if I just thought more about it, I’d figure out a way to fix it all. 
I do believe in listening to anxiety alerts, though. Is their a way maybe to build a layer of protection in the situation that isn’t as drastic as what your fear is telling you?

[Lecka]

My husband has a friend he calls on the phone.  
 

It’s a top recommendation for him.

 

Another top recommendation for him is to call the Veterans Crisis Line.  He has never called them but it is recommended.  
 

My husband does talk to me also, but there are times he wants to hear what his friend thinks because his friend is more likely to say something is a problem than I am, so he can trust his friend more in a way.  It’s not that he doesn’t trust me but we don’t have the same judgment, so he wants to know what his friend thinks, he will just trust it more.  His friend also understands him in a different way than I do.  
 

I like his friend, too, and I would listen to his opinion myself.  I might disagree but it won’t be because it’s something totally out of line.  (Edit — it will be something that might not be my opinion — but it will be something I can accept.)

 

Edit:  so in practice — just time and talking often will help my husband to get out of his mindset.  His friend understands where he is coming from and has similar issues.  
 

Also, I would say my husband has reached out to several people, and this friend is the person who is interested.  
 

It was a big recommendation from a counselor for him to reach out to people he shared experiences with, to try to build a support system.  
 

 

Edited October 22, 2022 by Lecka

[Lecka]

I re-read the thread and if it is something where there is time to make a decision, I think seeking outside counsel is a good option.

I think realizing that there is a concern that there is a lack of perspective is a good thing to notice, and then thinking that if you want an objective opinion — well — you get an objective opinion.  If you don’t think you have an objective opinion — and don’t trust your opinion — or worry your opinion is not reasonable — I think looking for what someone else thinks can go a long way.

 

Sometimes if one person is mainly seeing only one or two options, someone else can see more options. 
 

I think counseling is an option for this.  

[Drama Llama]

17 minutes ago, Lecka said:

My husband has a friend he calls on the phone.  
 

It’s a top recommendation for him.

 

Another top recommendation for him is to call the Veterans Crisis Line.  He has never called them but it is recommended.  
 

My husband does talk to me also, but there are times he wants to hear what his friend thinks because his friend is more likely to say something is a problem than I am, so he can trust his friend more in a way.  It’s not that he doesn’t trust me but we don’t have the same judgment, so he wants to know what his friend thinks, he will just trust it more.  His friend also understands him in a different way than I do.  
 

I like his friend, too, and I would listen to his opinion myself.  I might disagree but it won’t be because it’s something totally out of line.  (Edit — it will be something that might not be my opinion — but it will be something I can accept.)

 

Edit:  so in practice — just time and talking often will help my husband to get out of his mindset.  His friend understands where he is coming from and has similar issues.  
 

Also, I would say my husband has reached out to several people, and this friend is the person who is interested.  
 

It was a big recommendation from a counselor for him to reach out to people he shared experiences with, to try to build a support system.  
 

 

I have a friend I talk to.  They don't think I'm overreacting.  

[Tap]

For me, the most obvious clue was a super rapid reaction that put me in fight or flight before I could even assess the situation. I would be on my feet reacting, before I really knew what was happening. It is extremely rare to be in a situation where a person needs to react before thinking ( active shooter is maybe one example). 

[Lecka]

I think when your opinion and your friend’s opinion are in agreement, that is a good argument for thinking you are not overreacting.

 

 

[Drama Llama]

2 minutes ago, Lecka said:

I think when your opinion and your friend’s opinion are in agreement, that is a good argument for thinking you are not overreacting.

 

 

Except my friend just has my description of the incidents and the person.  She lives far away so she hasn't met him or anything. 

[Lecka]

For example with my husband’s friend ——- my husband plus his friend would not equal “overreacting.”

 

There might still be a range of opinions that could be reasonable, but their combined opinion, or the friend’s feedback, would not come out to be unreasonable.

 

It would not come out to be harmful.  
 

My husband’s friend is a regular guy but certainly he’s capable of seeing if something would be the kind of overreaction that would harm a child, in any scenario I can think of.  
 

Sometimes a strong reaction is appropriate, to protect children.  
 

For my husband, a strong reaction can seem like he’s doing something, he’s accomplishing something, he’s not sitting idle, it will relieve him from anxiety to take some action.  
 

But that doesn’t mean it’s not the right call at times.  

[freesia]

7 minutes ago, Baseballandhockey said:

I have a friend I talk to.  They don't think I'm overreacting.  

 

3 minutes ago, Lecka said:

I think when your opinion and your friend’s opinion are in agreement, that is a good argument for thinking you are not overreacting.

 

 

I agree with Lecka, but I would want to bring at least one more person in who is familiar with the situation and who doesn’t have anxiety issues. Definitely if you are still seeing a therapist one on one, I’d run it by him/her. 

[Lecka]

Okay, from having an impression of you here, you seem like a reliable observer/narrator.

 

My husband is also telling his version of events to his friend.  I still trust it.  His friend can ask him if something sounds like it is possibly too one-sided and my husband can answer him.  I think there is a self-correcting process there.

 

My husband and his friend did know each other in person in the past and do know each other well enough to have an idea of when one of them might be coming on too strong with something.  
 

Really I don’t worry about this with my husband and his friend.

 

In talking things can get to “things that happened,” you know, and not just “wow I am overwhelmed with strong feelings.” I think this is what is objective even though it is still a person’s version of events.

[Lecka]

I agree, bringing in another person is a good idea.  

[Not_a_Number]

I apologized about getting the thread locked already. More than once. The public comment just makes me feel defensive and bad. 

As for your anxiety, I don't think you're in a place where you're able to evaluate threats right now. I'd talk to someone who's in a better place, has good judgment, and who also knows all the relevant people. 

[Not_a_Number]

7 minutes ago, freesia said:

I agree with Lecka, but I would want to bring at least one more person in who is familiar with the situation and who doesn’t have anxiety issues. Definitely if you are still seeing a therapist one on one, I’d run it by him/her. 

Oh. I see that you said that already! I should read the thread before commenting . . . 

[Not_a_Number]

In terms of what I do... I've been trying to take lots of walks when I do NOT feel anxious. Basically, trying to make space where I'm relatively relaxed. I don't focus on any problem in particular, I just see what pops up in my subconscious. It has really surprised me how often that results in solving problems from really unexpected angles. (I would guess something like meditation would have a similar function? I've never tried, so this is just from description.) 

It doesn't do me any good to overfocus on the problem. I used to do that with my marital issues and my homeschooling problems, and all I'd wind up doing is winding myself up more and retreading the same old nonsense. 

[Grace Hopper]

Depending on what the situation is, you may want to contact your lawyer. 

[Drama Llama]

2 minutes ago, Grace Hopper said:

Depending on what the situation is, you may want to contact your lawyer. 

I talked to my lawyer but you guys are cheaper.

[Not_a_Number]

Just now, Baseballandhockey said:

I talked to my lawyer but you guys are cheaper.

What did your lawyer say? 

[Melissa Louise]

1 hour ago, Baseballandhockey said:

Oh no, the things I am imagining are that bad and I could not handle them. 

 

I've had cause to imagine the worst, and I actually did come up with an idea of how I would survive in the event. It was helpful.

In your situation, it's the kind of thing I would run past a trusted therapist or other trusted person. There are ways of assessing risk. 

I'd say in your situation, I'd err on the side of trusting your instincts, but if that has the potential for legal trouble, get advice first. 

Access to weapons and prior threats or violence are a reason to over-react and not under-react. 

 

[Lecka]

My husband can wind himself up more and more, he does better to talk to someone.  
 

Sometimes when it’s PTSD he can’t see it himself.  
 

Sometimes he will say things like “you probably won’t take me seriously because you think I overreact to everything” while he is overreacting.  Which sounds reasonable but is a little reasonable but not really.  
 

If he’s mad that people probably think he’s overreacting and calls his friend — then that is a good time for him to call his friend.  
 

OP — I’m curious if  (I edited out something not relevant) you have identified times in the past when you have made regrettable, harmful decisions while under the influence of anxiety or PTSD.

 

Have you?  Is this a part of your life?

 

If you have — does your friend know it?  If yes — it’s included in her opinion, you know?  
 

If you have — it’s included in what a counselor might say.

 

Its totally possible to still be respectful to you and thoughtful and a good listener, and still think this is something you have done.

 

On the other hand, is it not really something that has happened in the past?

 

Because I’m honestly wondering if this is more of self-doubt or not wanting to have to do something in a difficult situation, or having a troubling situation, or things like that.

 

Because for my husband, he has evidence that he has made some poor choices, and the evidence is the thing he did, and that’s a big reason he is even diagnosed with PTSD in the first place.  I know that’s not the case for everyone, but I think regardless of having PTSD or anxiety — if it’s steered you wrong — you know how it has steered you wrong.  You know if you have harmed your children and then had to sit and think how you screwed up because of your thought processes and overreactive instincts.

 

But if that isn’t the case — I think you could be self-doubting or looking for a reason not to be in a bad situation (instead — “everything is fine — I’m just overreacting”).  
 

If you think it’s a problem in your mind then the control is with you and changing your mind.  The control isn’t with the situation and addressing the situation.

 

When my son was on the waiting list to be seen at an autism clinic, I wished and wished it would turn out I was an overreacting mom, and really my son was fine, and the problem was with me.  It’s kind-of denial at a certain point.  I would have loved to be a hysterical woman if it meant my son was really not showing signs of autism, I would much rather have had something be wrong with me.  

Edited October 22, 2022 by Lecka

[freesia]

I’ve been thinking about this. I understand why you are being vague. I was thinking that this might be you transferring some anxiety from one situation to another. Your comment about the lawyer makes me think it does have to do with the original situation. I think your fear doesn’t mean something definitely will happen but you have real reason to be concerned based on real things that have happened. I don’t know what you are thinking of doing, though. 

[Not_a_Number]

Here’s something I’ve learned the hard way.

Whatever you do, it has to be for YOU. I don’t mean it can’t be to protect your kids, but it genuinely has to be what feels like the best thing. If you do it to push back at someone or in any other way to try to change someone else’s behavior, you will continue feeling anxious and it will backfire. 

That’s why it’s so important to get comfortable with your feelings and decisions. Even if they’re radical decisions, you need to feel like you can totally OWN them.

[cjzimmer1]

2 hours ago, Baseballandhockey said:

I have a friend I talk to.  They don't think I'm overreacting.  

 

2 hours ago, Baseballandhockey said:

Except my friend just has my description of the incidents and the person.  She lives far away so she hasn't met him or anything. 

I think I would trust friend's assessment in this case even if you can't trust your own.  My husband often tells me about upsetting situations that happen in his interactions with others.  In reality, he would like me to sympathize and be outraged with/for him.  And sometimes I am, but most of the time, even with only hearing his side, it's very obvious that he is completely overracting to the situation.  Because I wasn't part of the situation, I find it easier to assess the "wrongness" than situations where I experienced it myself.  In light of that, I think your friend is capable of seeing through your version of the story and still have a good assessment of the actual issue.  I am glad you have a trusted friend to hear you out.  You have been through far too much to have to navigate it alone without a safe sounding board.

[Melissa in Australia]

My experiance with PTSD seems to be very different from what others are describing.  So different that I am thinking I don't have any helpful suggestions at all. Both my twins have PTSD, when triggered they react immediately with fight or flight response, mostly flight or complete freeze. There is no time for any thinking beforehand, just reaction 

 

[rebcoola]

I talk to my bff though I'm not the one with anxiety but it's hard to be sure if my reaction is right.  They are far away like your friend but I they know everyone involved so can kind of filter things through past experience.  Does your friend know all parties involved or just you? Is there another person you can talk to?

[Rosie_0801]

I have PTSD but not an anxiety disorder, so it doesn't manifest much in the way you're describing. Mostly, though, I ask myself whether there is anything I can do about whatever. In my case, the answer has usually been no, so I don't hold myself accountable for not using power I don't have.

((hugs))

[Carrie12345]

I don’t want to leap to conclusions, but I feel like I’m catching the main gist.

Yeah, I have anxiety and, yes, it can make me question my judgment, but (for me) that questioning tells me I *am being rational. There’s a difference between doing a “crazy” thing and choosing between multiple options that all have negative consequences, but you know you have to choose one.

The other day, I was trying to encourage my sister to choose a more… protective option. It’s been well over 4 years, but she still can’t open herself to it. Yes, it would be hard and have consequences. But it’s also hard and with consequences now. I wish she could look beyond the short term and consider the long run. She just isn’t there yet.

[Toocrazy!!]

8 hours ago, Melissa Louise said:

Access to weapons and prior threats or violence are a reason to over-react and not under-react. 

 

From what I remember of your situation, this would be a main point for me. Weapons make the beliefs escalate to where you need to protect yourself. This would not be an over reaction. 

[Harriet Vane]

9 hours ago, Melissa Louise said:

I've had cause to imagine the worst, and I actually did come up with an idea of how I would survive in the event. It was helpful.

In your situation, it's the kind of thing I would run past a trusted therapist or other trusted person. There are ways of assessing risk. 

I'd say in your situation, I'd err on the side of trusting your instincts, but if that has the potential for legal trouble, get advice first. 

Access to weapons and prior threats or violence are a reason to over-react and not under-react. 

 

Well said, especially the bolded. 

People who have had to live with volatile people really do develop finely-tuned instincts. Those instincts are God-given and there to protect you and to help you. As long as you continue to interact with someone who is volatile and who has specific struggles, you really must trust your instincts. No apologies to anyone else, whether that be the volatile, unstable people or anyone else who may live in denial about the volatility and instability.

It's only really ptsd when you continue reacting after the danger is well and truly past. That is not your situation--the volatility and instability is ongoing, so trust your gut. 

(((warm hugs)))

[Lecka]

I hope this is not too off-topic, but I thought of an example.

 

Lets say a contractor was working at a neighbor’s house, had a conversation with my husband on the front lawn, one of those “are you looking to hire someone since there was a hail storm” conversations, said something that rubbed my husband the wrong way, and my husband told him to go away.

 

Then let’s say for the next few days my husband would think the contractor was going to come and do something to him.

 

So — this is just the kind of thing where because this is the kind of paranoid thing my husband could think, anyone who knows him well and was talking to him would think he was being paranoid.

 

Also realistically who is going to come pick a fight with a combat vet?  And it had come up because the neighbor had mentioned it to the contractor.  It was something war-related that was offensive to my husband.  But — did it seem like the guy was being purposely offensive?  No, not at all.

 

But let’s say that I said I felt threatened by a contractor at a neighbor’s house?  I am not someone who is threatened or suspicious “all of the time — some of the time.”

 

If I said “this feels off to me” it would be much more likely that it WAS off, because I am not someone who thinks that often.  
 

And then beyond that — someone can ask questions about — just what did this guy do, what has he done since, and that is much more subjective.  
 

Like — in fact the contractor did not come near our house again during this time when my husband was paranoid of him.  Also, he was an older man.  Also, he did not say anything (objectively) to be paranoid about in the first place.  Also he is a business owner with a reputation in the community — so he probably is not in the habit of doing bad things to people who live near a house he is working on.

 

These are all things that are objective.  
 

Right now, too, my husband is much better at avoiding things like this or ending a conversation before it gets weird.  These are things he can do now.  He has been helped by therapy. He can say he’s busy if he’s in the garage and someone is going around talking to people (selling something, politics, etc).  
 

But objectively — it’s a known issue he  can get paranoid about people coming around our house, and thinking people are casing our house, or things like that.  
 

So objectively if he thinks that — then yes he should be thinking “well I don’t want to overreact” and talking to someone who will talk him down and make something seem like it’s harmless.  
 

And then with my husband’s friend — he is also tending to be paranoid like this so he understands my husband feeling that way, and the friend is very reliable if he says he thinks things are fine, and they can vent about how it sucks to be paranoid, or how it’s kind-of funny if you want to see the humor in it, or it makes sense if you consider their background that would cause them to feel paranoid in a situation where it would be rational and self-protective (aka a dangerous situation).  

 

But if I thought a neighbor’s contractor was acting confrontational towards me or acting suspicious — well since I have never thought that before, it would just be a different context.  
 

(Edited)

(Edit — also there is plenty of room for my husband to get feedback that he’s not overreacting!)

 

 

Edited October 22, 2022 by Lecka

[Lecka]

I agree with other posters.  
 

I definitely think it comes across like you should trust your instincts.

 

I think you should trust that other people are able to have insight into your situation, too.  
 

I do NOT think you are an unreliable narrator, but even if you were — there are ways around that.  So I don’t think it’s something to use to discount what you are thinking.  

[Drama Llama]

14 hours ago, Lecka said:

My husband can wind himself up more and more, he does better to talk to someone.  
 

Sometimes when it’s PTSD he can’t see it himself.  
 

Sometimes he will say things like “you probably won’t take me seriously because you think I overreact to everything” while he is overreacting.  Which sounds reasonable but is a little reasonable but not really.  
 

If he’s mad that people probably think he’s overreacting and calls his friend — then that is a good time for him to call his friend.  
 

OP — I’m curious if  (I edited out something not relevant) you have identified times in the past when you have made regrettable, harmful decisions while under the influence of anxiety or PTSD.

 

Have you?  Is this a part of your life?

 

If you have — does your friend know it?  If yes — it’s included in her opinion, you know?  
 

If you have — it’s included in what a counselor might say.

 

Its totally possible to still be respectful to you and thoughtful and a good listener, and still think this is something you have done.

 

On the other hand, is it not really something that has happened in the past?

 

Because I’m honestly wondering if this is more of self-doubt or not wanting to have to do something in a difficult situation, or having a troubling situation, or things like that.

 

Because for my husband, he has evidence that he has made some poor choices, and the evidence is the thing he did, and that’s a big reason he is even diagnosed with PTSD in the first place.  I know that’s not the case for everyone, but I think regardless of having PTSD or anxiety — if it’s steered you wrong — you know how it has steered you wrong.  You know if you have harmed your children and then had to sit and think how you screwed up because of your thought processes and overreactive instincts.

 

But if that isn’t the case — I think you could be self-doubting or looking for a reason not to be in a bad situation (instead — “everything is fine — I’m just overreacting”).  
 

If you think it’s a problem in your mind then the control is with you and changing your mind.  The control isn’t with the situation and addressing the situation.

 

When my son was on the waiting list to be seen at an autism clinic, I wished and wished it would turn out I was an overreacting mom, and really my son was fine, and the problem was with me.  It’s kind-of denial at a certain point.  I would have loved to be a hysterical woman if it meant my son was really not showing signs of autism, I would much rather have had something be wrong with me.  

I have a PTSD diagnosis and an anxiety diagnosis. 
 

I have made some decisions in my life that led to catastrophic outcomes.  So I don’t trust myself.  

[Not_a_Number]

8 minutes ago, Baseballandhockey said:

I have a PTSD diagnosis and an anxiety diagnosis. 
 

I have made some decisions in my life that led to catastrophic outcomes.  So I don’t trust myself.  

Can you talk to someone else who is actually familiar with the situation or is there no one like that? 

[AmandaVT]

When I'm having an anxiety response, or wondering if something is anxiety or "normal", I talk to my therapist or a good friend that knows me. They can usually either talk me down or agree with me that I'm being practical. 

[Lecka]

Well, I think a decision making process involving asking people who can see the situation, who you trust, who themselves have a history of seeming to make good choices — I think these are subjective things to look at.  
 

Doing the best you can is okay, too.  
 

I would say with PTSD too — sometimes a catastrophic thing happens but it may not be your fault.  And if it is your fault, it is okay to have forgiveness for yourself.  Or, understanding of how you were in a hard situation.  
 

I think these are really important things and I think they help with feeling like you are able to make good choices in the future.  
 

It’s not firsthand for me, and I do think it’s different for different people, but it helped my husband a lot to feel less personal responsibility and personal failure in a way where he could forgive himself and see he was part of a situation.

 

I think you are capable of making good choices, and I think seeking opinions when it seems like it is needed is part of making a good choice.  
 

If something doesn’t work out it won’t mean it’s all your fault or that you messed everything up with your decision.  You can do the best you can with the information you have and pursuing a good decision-making process (aka asking opinions of people you respect who are informed about the situation, a counselor, etc).  
 

 

[Clarita]

I know for my mom it's helpful for her to bounce things off of me. Basically because I don't judge her for her anxiety but I tell her when it's in her head. She has done things in the moment that has yielded less than great consequences. Dwelling on what happened in the past I think is part of the anxiety too. Sometimes I have to remind her that the bad consequence that she remembers from her "bad" choices aren't as catastrophic as it is in her head. 

If this helps, for me (non-anxiety person), I just don't worry to the extent that I see my mom and friends with anxiety worry about past bad decisions when dealing with the current decisions, no matter how bad those consequences were. They inform my current decisions but I don't fret over it (seek advice but I don't feel the "end of the world" if  I make a bad one or less than optimal decision).  

[Lecka]

I think also a decision-making process that works for you is most important.  Maybe you do or don’t want to consult another person.  I don’t think it’s necessary but it’s an option.  
 

It is something that I think can be helpful.  
 

I think taking a walk and letting your mind rest is a good option too, if that will work for you.  It was mentioned before.  I think if that helps — it’s great.  If it is something where you might be thinking things that weren’t helpful — then it’s not.  
 

I think if it’s a new thing to try a new decision-making process or if it’s just a hard decision to make — it’s really normal for it to be hard.  It’s normal to be upset.  It might be a length of time or an intensity in what is “normal” having feelings about a hard situation or hard decision and what is more anxiety or PTSD.

 

But it’s not the case that “success” would mean not feeling any hard feelings, feeling 100% at peace over a decision, or never seeking counsel from others.  Those are all normal things and it’s not bad to feel like things are hard or feel like you have self-doubts.  

[Rosie_0801]

56 minutes ago, Baseballandhockey said:

II have made some decisions in my life that led to catastrophic outcomes.  

So have I, but I didn't know better despite trying to and I accept I can't do better than my best. Sometimes there is no way to get something right, or at least no reasonable way. I mean, if to do better I would have needed to be someone else, well, that's not reasonable. It's not like I was too lazy or stubborn to be someone else, or something.

Sometimes other people have better judgment because they have had more experience than us, sometimes they have better judgment because they've never had anything as impossible *to* judge.

 

[maize]

10 minutes ago, Rosie_0801 said:

So have I, but I didn't know better despite trying to and I accept I can't do better than my best. Sometimes there is no way to get something right, or at least no reasonable way. I mean, if to do better I would have needed to be someone else, well, that's not reasonable. It's not like I was too lazy or stubborn to be someone else, or something.

Sometimes other people have better judgment because they have had more experience than us, sometimes they have better judgment because they've never had anything as impossible *to* judge.

 

So much this.

Some situations are so impossible that every path forward has a high probability of catastrophe.

We can only act in the way that seems best to us in the moment.

[catz]

If I'm feeling like a panic attack coming on, I switch to mindful breathing.  Like the 4-7-8 technique.  If the 7 feels like too much, I start with 4-4-8, 4-5-8, 4-6-8 and work up.  

https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/324417

I try not to make snap decisions unless I have to.  When I really need to process stuff, walking helps me and journaling can help me.  I probably average journaling 3-5 times a month when  things come up so I am not consistent.  But it does seem helpful in deciding when to let things go, make a change, process irrational anxiety, etc.  

[Not_a_Number]

30 minutes ago, Lecka said:

But it’s not the case that “success” would mean not feeling any hard feelings, feeling 100% at peace over a decision, or never seeking counsel from others.  Those are all normal things and it’s not bad to feel like things are hard or feel like you have self-doubts.  

I can't quantify how at peace I feel about things, but I do know that feeling at peace with a decision feels qualitatively different to me to not feeling at peace with it. If I feel at peace with something, it doesn't mean I expect not to have regrets or for it to be easy. It just means I genuinely feel like I did my best with the sense I have. 

I find it hard to get to that point. It sometimes takes me a few tries. So often one does things in a reactive way or to influence others. 

[Melissa Louise]

4 hours ago, Baseballandhockey said:

I have a PTSD diagnosis and an anxiety diagnosis. 
 

I have made some decisions in my life that led to catastrophic outcomes.  So I don’t trust myself.  

Seek an appointment with your therapist and run this past them.