If a mom introduces someone as “Kid’s Dad”

[Harriet Vane]

26 minutes ago, Rosie_0801 said:

Unless you've been dragged through the family court, you have no idea how little right you have to protect your children from their other parent.

You certainly can't cut him off because he yelled at you in a car park.

Yes. Exactly this. There is no finessing keeping distance between two parties. The courts do not recognize any infringement of parental rights for anything less than a murder attempt or serious abuse (as in, torture). I am not exaggerating. 
 

[Harriet Vane]

19 minutes ago, Terabith said:

But that risks riling him up.  She’s in a very difficult situation.  She’s trying to set boundaries but also not make him angry.  She’s walking a tightrope blindfolded backwards as it goes through fire and a field of swords.  Really, I think she’s doing an amazing job in a literally impossible situation.

ETA:  Not riling him up makes it less likely that he’ll go to court to make demands like unsupervised visitation, that he probably would win.  Placating him is an attempt to keep her kids safe.  

YES. This exactly.

[prairiewindmomma]

19 minutes ago, Terabith said:

But that risks riling him up.  She’s in a very difficult situation.  She’s trying to set boundaries but also not make him angry.  She’s walking a tightrope blindfolded backwards as it goes through fire and a field of swords.  Really, I think she’s doing an amazing job in a literally impossible situation.

Yup. 

[heartlikealion]

I’m just saying abusive people are abusive when they choose to be and walking on eggshells doesn’t necessarily prevent anything. Abusive people tend to get worse over the years. 

I’m probably projecting but I don’t want to give false hope that tip toeing around will prevent a bomb from going off. It will go off, eventually. 

[Terabith]

Just now, heartlikealion said:

I’m just saying abusive people are abusive when they choose to be and walking on eggshells doesn’t necessarily prevent anything. Abusive people tend to get worse over the years. 

I’m probably projecting but I don’t want to give false hope that tip toeing around will prevent a bomb from going off. It will go off, eventually. 

Of course it will.  But the older the kids are when it does, the less time they have to be damaged by it.  And also the more say they have in their lives.  

[heartlikealion]

Just now, Terabith said:

Of course it will.  But the older the kids are when it does, the less time they have to be damaged by it.  And also the more say they have in their lives.  

I meant prevent the alone time/nip it in the bud now vs a few weeks from now reporting he flew off the handle when they were getting the kids in the car alone. If they carpool anywhere I would end that, too. 

[Drama Llama]

22 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

I meant prevent the alone time/nip it in the bud now vs a few weeks from now reporting he flew off the handle when they were getting the kids in the car alone. If they carpool anywhere I would end that, too. 

I wasn't alone, DH's brother and SIL (and two orchestras worth of kids and parents) were there.  

[Annie G]

Sure, he’s hopeful that you guys can salvage this marriage. But acting like that isn’t helping. You did nothing wrong, and he has to deal with his emotions on his own. And you have the right to deal with this separation in a way that’s healthy for you, too. And in this instance, introducing him as your kids’ dad was best for you. 
No matter how you introduced him, I bet the body language that you (kids and parents) display makes it clear that the relationship is strained.  He’d be better off focusing more on the real relationships instead of worrying about dumb stuff like how he’s introduced.

[Grace Hopper]

22 minutes ago, Baseballandhockey said:

I wasn't alone, DH's brother and SIL (and two orchestras worth of kids and parents) were there.  

I’m curious how his relatives reacted to his outburst. 

[heartlikealion]

23 minutes ago, Baseballandhockey said:

I wasn't alone, DH's brother and SIL (and two orchestras worth of kids and parents) were there.  

Sorry. My mistake 

[fairfarmhand]

1 minute ago, Grace Hopper said:

I’m curious how his relatives reacted to his outburst. 

me too.

[heartlikealion]

@Baseballandhockey And it does sound like you’re doing well navigating this (I didn’t mean to imply otherwise. Was just trying to think of ideas). 

[Drama Llama]

2 hours ago, Grace Hopper said:

I’m curious how his relatives reacted to his outburst. 

So this was DH's brother and his wife.  Not THAT SIL, different SIL altogether.

They had started across the parking lot when DH started.  He gradually ramped up, so it took them a few moments to realize.  They came back, and my SIL took the kids to their car, and BIL got in his brother's face and told he needed to back off and go away.  By that time, you could see security on their way over, and DH did back off.  

Tonight, BIL was supposed to supervise an extra visit with DH and my youngest.  BIL told DH he wasn't interested in spending time with him after yesterday, and came and took youngest out, just the two of them.  

DH has also called crazy SIL, who obviously thinks I'm a terrible horrible no good person.  

Other SIL, her husband, and DH's Dad and Grandfather are all on vacation.  

The other family, the one I introduced DH to as "Kid's Dad" sent me an email saying that they didn't feel comfortable taking DS to the game this weekend since both parents weren't on board.  I'm trying to sort that out now. 

Edited October 14, 2022 by Baseballandhockey
To be clear that DH is the one who called crazy SIL.

[Ting Tang]

I actually have never liked saying, "my ex" about anyone in my past.  It feels like the relationship meant something when none of my past relationships deserve that kind of respect.  Maybe I am weird.  I think introducing someone as your child's father is fine because that is a very important forever role.  However, you've shared enough that it doesn't surprise me he got upset.  😞  Sorry this is such a stressor for you and for your child.  One day I truly hope this sort of thing will be in the past for you.  I do worry for you.  You do NOT have to take this kind of verbal abuse.  If you can leave a moment like this, you are completely allowed to do that.  Please be safe!

Edited October 14, 2022 by Ting Tang

[Harriet Vane]

25 minutes ago, Baseballandhockey said:

So this was DH's brother and his wife.  Not THAT SIL, different SIL altogether.

They had started across the parking lot when DH started.  He gradually ramped up, so it took them a few moments to realize.  They came back, and my SIL took the kids to their car, and BIL got in his brother's face and told he needed to back off and go away.  By that time, you could see security on their way over, and DH did back off.  

Tonight, BIL was supposed to supervise an extra visit with DH and my youngest.  BIL told DH he wasn't interested in spending time with him after yesterday, and came and took youngest out, just the two of them.  

He has also called crazy SIL, who obviously thinks I'm a terrible horrible no good person.  

Other SIL, her husband, and DH's Dad and Grandfather are all on vacation.  

The other family, the one I introduced DH to as "Kid's Dad" sent me an email saying that they didn't feel comfortable taking DS to the game this weekend since both parents weren't on board.  I'm trying to sort that out now. 

I’m so sorry about that icky email. Also angry about it. What century do these people live in? When there is a break in the marriage, it’s guaranteed there are plenty of things both parents are not on board together. Ridiculous.

[Drama Llama]

20 minutes ago, Harriet Vane said:

I’m so sorry about that icky email. Also angry about it. What century do these people live in? When there is a break in the marriage, it’s guaranteed there are plenty of things both parents are not on board together. Ridiculous.

Angry at the couple for not driving him?

If you knew someone was abusive, and they didn't want you to do something with their kid, wouldn't you think twice about putting yourself in that position? 

I don't blame them at all.  Honestly, I'm not looking for another driver because I don't trust DH not to show up at the game.  Either I'll take DS, or DS won't go. 

Edited October 14, 2022 by Baseballandhockey
Because it sounded like I was considering taking DH to the game.

[fairfarmhand]

16 minutes ago, Harriet Vane said:

I’m so sorry about that icky email. Also angry about it. What century do these people live in? When there is a break in the marriage, it’s guaranteed there are plenty of things both parents are not on board together. Ridiculous.

I don’t think I would sign up to “get in the middle “ so to speak of a couple where the man is so obviously abusive. It would be a difficult thing, but I’d wonder if he’d turn it toward me and my family or even make things worse for the lady and her kids.

this sounds like it was more than just a disagreement. A mere disagreement wouldn’t change things for me. But this situation, I don’t blame the couple for changing their minds; and I hate that they feel they were put in such an awkward position by bandh’s dh. 

[Catwoman]

46 minutes ago, Baseballandhockey said:

The other family, the one I introduced DH to as "Kid's Dad" sent me an email saying that they didn't feel comfortable taking DS to the game this weekend since both parents weren't on board.  I'm trying to sort that out now. 

It is terrible that your child has to pay the price for your dh's ridiculous and embarrassing outburst. 

I don't really blame the other parents for not wanting to get involved, because they are probably wondering how dangerous your dh is at home, if he's that transparent about his anger issues in public.

I'm so sorry. 😞 

[Catwoman]

1 minute ago, fairfarmhand said:

I don’t think I would sign up to “get in the middle “ so to speak of a couple where the man is so obviously abusive. It would be a difficult thing, but I’d wonder if he’d turn it toward me and my family or even make things worse for the lady and her kids.

this sounds like it was more than just a disagreement. A mere disagreement wouldn’t change things for me. But this situation, I don’t blame the couple for changing their minds; and I hate that they feel they were put in such an awkward position by bandh’s dh. 

We were posting at the same time! 🙂 

I agree with you. I wouldn't want to potentially put my own children in harm's way, and it sounds like BBH's dh's behavior was very aggressive, so the other parents' decision doesn't seem out of line to me. I'm sure they feel sad that they have to exclude BBH's son, but I understand their need to put their own family's safety first.

[Grace Hopper]

50 minutes ago, Baseballandhockey said:

So this was DH's brother and his wife.  Not THAT SIL, different SIL altogether.

They had started across the parking lot when DH started.  He gradually ramped up, so it took them a few moments to realize.  They came back, and my SIL took the kids to their car, and BIL got in his brother's face and told he needed to back off and go away.  By that time, you could see security on their way over, and DH did back off.  

Tonight, BIL was supposed to supervise an extra visit with DH and my youngest.  BIL told DH he wasn't interested in spending time with him after yesterday, and came and took youngest out, just the two of them.  

He has also called crazy SIL, who obviously thinks I'm a terrible horrible no good person.  

Other SIL, her husband, and DH's Dad and Grandfather are all on vacation.  

The other family, the one I introduced DH to as "Kid's Dad" sent me an email saying that they didn't feel comfortable taking DS to the game this weekend since both parents weren't on board.  I'm trying to sort that out now. 

Glad it was the right SIL and that she had the presence of mind to take the kids away. Sounds like you have allies there. 
 

I’m sorry the other family has declined to take your son. But honestly, in this litigious day and age and with your husband’s public outburst, in their shoes I would have also likely declined due to liability. What if your husband decided to call the police and report a kidnapping? It would likely all get worked out but it could be messy because kidnapping across state lines is a federal charge. Also, if they had your son and his dad showed up there, you not there, and demanded to take the child…. Honestly, I feel bad for your kid but I wouldn’t have felt comfortable, either, under the circumstances. I bet they felt bad having to decline. 

[Catwoman]

29 minutes ago, Harriet Vane said:

I’m so sorry about that icky email. Also angry about it. What century do these people live in? When there is a break in the marriage, it’s guaranteed there are plenty of things both parents are not on board together. Ridiculous.

I would agree with you, except that this incident seemed like far more than just BBH's dh not being on board with something. He was loud and aggressive, to the point where security was ready to step in. 

Were I the other mom, I wouldn't want to put my family in the middle of that kind of drama, because I would be worried that the aggressive dh might show up at the next event and start an altercation with my family because we were the ones who drove the child there. And realistically, the other family has no way of knowing whether or not BBH's dh has a history of physical violence, and they may want to err on the side of caution. I know I would.

 

Edited October 14, 2022 by Catwoman
Spelling. It's a thing.

[Grace Hopper]

5 minutes ago, Catwoman said:

We were posting at the same time! 🙂 

I agree with you. I wouldn't want to potentially put my own children in harm's way, and it sounds like BBH's dh's behavior was very aggressive, so the other parents' decision doesn't seem out of line to me. I'm sure they feel sad that they have to exclude BBH's son, but I understand their need to put their own family's safety first.

Appears a number of us were!

[Harriet Vane]

11 minutes ago, Baseballandhockey said:

Angry at the couple for not driving him?

If you knew someone was abusive, and they didn't want you to do something with their kid, wouldn't you think twice about putting yourself in that position? 

I don't blame them at all.  Honestly, I'm not looking for another driver because I don't trust DH not to show up at the game.  Either I'll take DS, or DS won't go. 

Yes. I speak as someone who comes from an unhappy family of origin and I speak from my context as a foster parent. There are many times that I have specifically chosen to *be there* for the children, and many times that I have effectively been super-syrupy-sweet and oblivious to someone who is volatile, paranoid, and abusive. So yeah, if I were that couple and the custodial parent who is also mostly single parenting asked me for a ride for the kids, I would absolutely totally do it. Because those kids deserve to have a life.

[ktgrok]

6 minutes ago, Harriet Vane said:

Yes. I speak as someone who comes from an unhappy family of origin and I speak from my context as a foster parent. There are many times that I have specifically chosen to *be there* for the children, and many times that I have effectively been super-syrupy-sweet and oblivious to someone who is volatile, paranoid, and abusive. So yeah, if I were that couple and the custodial parent who is also mostly single parenting asked me for a ride for the kids, I would absolutely totally do it. Because those kids deserve to have a life.

honestly, it sounds liek you have more insight and experience to draw on than the typical parent. 

[EKS]

Coming in late, but to answer the original question--yes, if someone refers to the kid's dad, I think that they're divorced.  That said, an appropriate response would be to let you know his feelings about that gently and in private.

I am so sorry you're having to deal with all of this.

Edited October 14, 2022 by EKS

[Harriet Vane]

50 minutes ago, ktgrok said:

honestly, it sounds liek you have more insight and experience to draw on than the typical parent. 

Perhaps. But I do really believe we all have a responsibility to help. Where we see broken hearts, we should come together. We should not abandon those broken hearts. 

The volatile, dysfunctional person is not going to go after some clueless outsider. Their focus is on the spouse (or former spouse) and on the kids. Giving a ride to kids to an event or activity is not a dangerous thing to do. Best not to inflate it as such, because our instinct to draw back in fear ensures the isolation of the victims.

Edited October 15, 2022 by Harriet Vane

[stephanier.1765]

2 minutes ago, Harriet Vane said:

Perhaps. But I do really believe we all have a responsibility to help. Where we see broken hearts, we should come together. We should not abandon those broken hearts. 

The volatile, dysfunctional person is not going to go after some clueless outsider. Their focus is on the spouse (or former spouse) and on the kids. Giving a ride to kids to an event or activity is not a dangerous thing to do. Best not to inflate it as such, because our instinct to draw back in fear ensures the isolation of the victims.

I agree. I, too, would have taken him. Both kid and mom deserve a break, deserve someone on their side and deserve someone to depend on.

[Rosie_0801]

I'd have wished the other parents had honestly said they were too afraid, instead of insulting me with a b.s answer, and it is a b.s answer because it's not something that requires both parents to be in a agreement about even if they're together.

[Terabith]

33 minutes ago, Harriet Vane said:

Perhaps. But I do really believe we all have a responsibility to help. Where we see broken hearts, we should come together. We should not abandon those broken hearts. 

The volatile, dysfunctional person is not going to go after some clueless outsider. Their focus is on the spouse (or former spouse) and on the kids. Giving a ride to kids to an event or activity is not a dangerous thing to do. Best not to inflate it as such, because our instinct to draw back in fear ensures the isolation of the victims.

While I probably wouldn't have actually backed out, I would seriously have considered it.  Because I could imagine a situation where @Baseballandhockey's husband shows up at the long distance soccer game, demands that her son ride home with him, and then what do I do?  I don't know the details of their custody agreement.  But even if I knew he wasn't allowed to have unsupervised visitation, a father demanding access to his son out of state puts me and my family at significant legal jeopardy, and judging by his actions at the school event, possibly physical jeopardy as well, because at that point I wouldn't be a clueless outsider, I would be someone denying him access to his son.  It stinks, but I think backing out is a completely reasonable thing to do.  

[Bambam]

If I had agreed to take a child out of state to an event, and I saw mom and dad, regardless of their relationship, arguing about letting that child go with me, I would not take said child. That is rough on the child, I get that, but if the parents are in disagreement, I don't want in that mess. 

Mom and Dad could have the best relationship in the world, or the worst, but if I know the parents are in disagreement, I'm not taking that kid.  

And this applies to any situation - spending the night at my house, going somewhere for ice cream, attending my kid's bday party, whatever. If one parent of married couple is against it, I would tell child we would try to find something that worked that both parents were okay with.

If I were the child, I would feel betrayed and completely enraged. So sad. 
 

[Grace Hopper]

16 minutes ago, Terabith said:

While I probably wouldn't have actually backed out, I would seriously have considered it.  Because I could imagine a situation where @Baseballandhockey's husband shows up at the long distance soccer game, demands that her son ride home with him, and then what do I do?  I don't know the details of their custody agreement.  But even if I knew he wasn't allowed to have unsupervised visitation, a father demanding access to his son out of state puts me and my family at significant legal jeopardy, and judging by his actions at the school event, possibly physical jeopardy as well, because at that point I wouldn't be a clueless outsider, I would be someone denying him access to his son.  It stinks, but I think backing out is a completely reasonable thing to do.  

Agreed. And at some point the OP said that part of what he was angry about was that other family taking his son out of state. It wasn’t just about the “my kid’s dad” introduction. 
 

I’ve given lots of kids rides places. I’ve assisted families in hard places, supported foster families. I do not lack compassion for the child. But these people witnessed (a) an irrational abusive outburst and (b) the father expressing his wishes that the child not be taken. Tough place to be. 
 

I keep thinking this dad just doesn’t need all the info about his kids’ comings and goings since he does not have custody. 

Edited October 15, 2022 by Grace Hopper

[Terabith]

6 minutes ago, Grace Hopper said:

I keep thinking this dad just doesn’t need all the info about his kids’ comings and goings since he does not have custody. 

Lots of people who don't have physical custody have the right to be informed about and participate in decisions involving their child.  I think that was discussed on @heartlikealion's thread?  And even if nobody gives him a schedule with details of coming and going, sports games are generally publicly available.

[Drama Llama]

26 minutes ago, Grace Hopper said:

Agreed. And at some point the OP said that part of what he was angry about was that other family taking his son out of state. It wasn’t just about the “my kid’s dad” introduction. 
 

I’ve given lots of kids rides places. I’ve assisted families in hard places, supported foster families. I do not lack compassion for the child. But these people witnessed (a) an irrational abusive outburst and (b) the father expressing his wishes that the child not be taken. Tough place to be. 
 

I keep thinking this dad just doesn’t need all the info about his kids’ comings and goings since he does not have custody. 

He has joint legal custody, but these are also all events listed on some calendar or other.  
 

 

[Grace Hopper]

2 minutes ago, Baseballandhockey said:

He has joint legal custody, but these are also all events listed on some calendar or other.  
 

 

I understand. I guess I’m just wishing you had a little breathing room, kwim?

[Drama Llama]

OK can I be a little whiny?

I am going to take my kid to the game.  It’s definitely the right choice.

But the reason I was staying back is tomorrow is homecoming for my oldest and I really wanted to be there for it.  I not sure he cares at all, but I wanted to see them all dressed up, and drive them and hear their excited chatter on the way and meet the friends they’re going with.  
 

It’s just a silly thing but I don’t look forward to things very often anymore.

[Drama Llama]

3 hours ago, Baseballandhockey said:

So this was DH's brother and his wife.  Not THAT SIL, different SIL altogether.

They had started across the parking lot when DH started.  He gradually ramped up, so it took them a few moments to realize.  They came back, and my SIL took the kids to their car, and BIL got in his brother's face and told he needed to back off and go away.  By that time, you could see security on their way over, and DH did back off.  

Tonight, BIL was supposed to supervise an extra visit with DH and my youngest.  BIL told DH he wasn't interested in spending time with him after yesterday, and came and took youngest out, just the two of them.  

DH has also called crazy SIL, who obviously thinks I'm a terrible horrible no good person.  

Other SIL, her husband, and DH's Dad and Grandfather are all on vacation.  

The other family, the one I introduced DH to as "Kid's Dad" sent me an email saying that they didn't feel comfortable taking DS to the game this weekend since both parents weren't on board.  I'm trying to sort that out now. 

I don’t know why people are reacting to this like it’s sad.  He did the right thing stepping in like that.  He’s a good guy, my BIL.

[Bambam]

2 minutes ago, Baseballandhockey said:

I don’t know why people are reacting to this like it’s sad.  He did the right thing stepping in like that.  He’s a good guy, my BIL.

He sounds like an amazing guy - and this SIL too. It sounds like they handled a tough situation well. 

I think the people are hitting sad because the entire situation is sad. That you and your kids and BIL and SIL have to deal with this. It isn't about your BIL. It is about the situation itself. 

[ktgrok]

5 minutes ago, Baseballandhockey said:

OK can I be a little whiny?

I am going to take my kid to the game.  It’s definitely the right choice.

But the reason I was staying back is tomorrow is homecoming for my oldest and I really wanted to be there for it.  I not sure he cares at all, but I wanted to see them all dressed up, and drive them and hear their excited chatter on the way and meet the friends they’re going with.  
 

It’s just a silly thing but I don’t look forward to things very often anymore.

I'm so sorry. That's not a silly thing at all!

[Terabith]

8 minutes ago, Baseballandhockey said:

I don’t know why people are reacting to this like it’s sad.  He did the right thing stepping in like that.  He’s a good guy, my BIL.

I think people are sad reacting to the part where the other family backed out and you were trying to sort plans.  

[Catwoman]

7 minutes ago, Baseballandhockey said:

I don’t know why people are reacting to this like it’s sad.  He did the right thing stepping in like that.  He’s a good guy, my BIL.

I think people are sad that your dh screwed up so much that your ds lost his ride with the other family.

Your BIL always sounds like a great guy!

[Not_a_Number]

8 hours ago, TechWife said:

Nope. I disagree. Most people are rational. The starting point for understanding is respect. This isn’t respect. The person blowing their lid is the one that needs to figure out what their problem is, because  no one is obligated to interact with anyone who is disrespectful of them. And no one is responsible for “figuring out” anyone else. 

Not a single person I know in this world is rational. And people are entitled to their feelings. What they aren't entitled to is mistreating others. 

[Grace Hopper]

Your reason isn’t silly, of course you’d enjoy homecoming stuff. 
 

Agreeing that the sad emoji is that there was any drama at all. Sounds like your BIL deserves a round of applause. 
 

Why did your husband not want to allow your kid to go with the other family?

[Not_a_Number]

I'm having a hard time with this thread. It's riling me up. 

First of all, big hugs to you, @Baseballandhockey. You've had way too much on your plate the last couple of years. Your DH's breakdown is an awful thing to deal with after losing your middle kid. It's two losses in rapid succession. It's so, so tough. 

Secondly, your question makes me feel like you need JUSTIFICATION for asserting he mistreated you. It doesn't matter whether he was reacting to something real or not! The fact that it hurt his feelings that you referred to him like that has NOTHING to do with whether he's entitled to yell at you in a parking lot. He's not! It's completely unrelated!!! You should feel comfortable asserting how HOW YOU WANT TO BE TREATED in a way that's completely separate from whether he has a valid grievance. 

Thirdly, you can't think about whether he was reacting to a real slight or an imaginary one without first becoming comfortable with what YOU need. What YOU need is not to be treated like that. We can't see other people's claims on us until we become comfortable with our own claims. 

This is such a tough, tough situation. I'm so sorry. 

[Not_a_Number]

10 hours ago, maize said:

This is a person who has a history of irrational reactions and behavior.

We can't live our lives walking on eggshells trying to avoid irrational reactions from such people. I try to not let someone else's mental illness control my behavior--it's the only way to stay sane myself.

(Necessary caveat: like most rules, there are times to break this one. I DO sometimes choose to make specific accommodations for someone's mental illness/emotional volatility. People and relationships are complicated and simple rules don't provide sufficient direction for every situation. The don't-allow-someone-else's-malfunctioning-brain-control-over-my-behavior rule, however, is a good standard 99% of the time.) 

I don't really want to argue about whether being hurt by being referred to like that is rational or not. Let's just say it's obvious to me what he's responding to and I'd feel the same. 

I'm not generally in the business of policing people's feelings. People's actions are what matters. 

[TechWife]

9 minutes ago, Not_a_Number said:

Not a single person I know in this world is rational. And people are entitled to their feelings. What they aren't entitled to is mistreating others. 

I’m sorry to hear that. I do hope you one day have some rational people in your life.  I completely agree - I had to learn not to “vomit” my feelings all over other people because as a child I wasn’t “allowed” to have feelings, so of course I didn’t learn much positive self regulation. Hard lessons. 

[Not_a_Number]

Just now, TechWife said:

I’m sorry to hear that. I do hope you one day have some rational people in your life.  I completely agree - I had to learn not to “vomit” my feelings all over other people because as a child I wasn’t “allowed” to have feelings, so of course I didn’t learn much positive self regulation. Hard lessons. 

Nah, I don't believe in rational people, to be honest. We're all animals at the bottom, with a veneer of rationality. 

I find that I become a much more rational, less biased person once I accept that I'm no more rational than anyone else and am constantly guided by biases, psychological defences, primitive impulses, and much else that's irrational and unsavory. But if I recognize it, it doesn't rule me. 

[Lecka]

I mean, there’s rational or not rational, and there’s somebody yelling in a parking lot to the point that a security guard goes to check and another family won’t transport a child.  
 

I can see saying nobody is rational, but that’s not the same as saying anybody would act this way.

 

There is a context to it here.  
 

I think I have heard “rational” being used how it is here and it’s a different usage than it is other times.

 

It’s like — a nice way of saying something, or a nice way of pointing out someone is behaving in a way that crosses major lines and is not acceptable.  There are not that many nice ways to say that.  
 

But it’s not like — oh, well, everybody else is “rational” the way that word is generally used.  
 

Also this is a person who has (or has recently had) mental health issues at a level of severity that is a higher level.  What is a nice way to reference that, without sounding like a jerk?  
 

There is not a good vocabulary for it that I am aware of.

 

It’s a high level of lashing out at others.  It crossed into raising safety concerns.  
 

These are the kinds of things I mean with saying “not rational” in a context like this. 
 

OP — I so hope he has apologized and is wanting to make amends and prioritize your kids’ feelings of safety and comfort.   
 

I hope the reactions of outside people might serve as a wake-up call for him.
 

I hope you can figure something out for the game and that you all can have a nice weekend.   

[Not_a_Number]

1 minute ago, Lecka said:

These are the kinds of things I mean with saying “not rational” in a context like this.

He's mentally ill and clearly totally irrational in this way, yes. And he sounds scary. This is an incredibly tough situation. 

That's not the same thing as saying that his feelings being hurt is hard to understand. It's very easy to understand. It's also irrelevant. 

[Drama Llama]

43 minutes ago, Grace Hopper said:

Why did your husband not want to allow your kid to go with the other family?

It's complicated.  He wants to go to the game.  Partially because he's really proud of his soccer player, and partially because he wants the privilege of driving his kid to the game.  But he can't go to the game unless someone is there to supervise, and nobody approved to supervise was going.  So, he's angry and kind of chafing at that limit, and embarrassed by it.  But one of the things that sort of keeps him in line some of the time is that he desperately wants me back.  So, when that fantasy got threatened, he kind of lashed out about not going to the game.

But the other issue is that he is very proud of his driving, and rightly so.  He's a former cop.  He's a great driver.  And he has always had this thing where he wants to be the one driving the kids, and it got reinforced when my oldest kid was in that car accident, and of course the idea of his kids being in accidents is more triggering to him than to a parent who hasn't lost a child.  So, he doesn't love the idea of people he doesn't know at all driving his kids.  And I get that part.  

But we talked about this last week and in therapy this week.  I assumed that he knew that someone must be driving.  Like it's a 4 hour drive away.  Did he think my kid would walk there?  But I don't actually think that he put two and two together that there was a carpool until last night and then he was already mad and triggered by the "kid's dad" thing and it just boiled over.  

[Not_a_Number]

1 minute ago, Baseballandhockey said:

But one of the things that sort of keeps him in line some of the time is that he desperately wants me back. 

You know, that's a double-edged sword. In my life, someone trying to do WELL and be a good person when they want me back has been good for them, but someone trying to do what I want has made them a bad person and has been bad for them. 

Do you know what YOU want?