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[TexasProud]

On 6/13/2022 at 3:16 PM, Catwoman said:

 

nm

Edited July 26, 2022 by TexasProud

[maize]

12 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

Yeah, but the problem is none of that is free. You pay for the domains, for web security, for the post office box you have to have for newsletter, for Canva to create the graphics, for yearly Cyberdirector fees, etc.  I am guessing maybe 1,000 a year on various fees and or programs to do what I need to. So I don't want it to be a money pit. It would be nice for it to pay for itself and maybe just generate a little income. 

It's OK to spend $1000 per year on something that is an interest or a passion. If your family budget was such that that amount would be prohibitive then yes, you would need to economize.

But it isn't.

Monetizing just means you are taking someone else's money; you could count your own money spent as a little gift to the people whose money you are not taking.

I just don't get the impression that this amount is unreasonable given your family circumstances for a hobby that brings you fulfillment. Saving money isn't always the wisest and best choice.

[Catwoman]

Just now, TexasProud said:

I guess there is something about making money and contributing and not relying on my husband's income.  The happiest times in our marriage is the 5 years I taught before we had kids, the 3 years I taught at the private school and my first year of seminary. There is something about having my own money that just makes me feel better about myself.  That said, I am more frugal than my husband is. He has never said I can't spend money or anything like that and yes, he has pretty much said, "I don't care. If it makes you happy, it is worth it."  But I want to pay my own way or it is MINE.  I don't know how to explain it. Otherwise, awe  what a sweet little hobby the doctor's wife has.  Which honestly, was kind of his attitude for the first half of our marriage. I could do whatever I wanted as long as it didn't impact what he needed/wanted to do.  I could have my fun hobby.  So I want MY work to be important. To mean something. And he has repented and apologized for his previous attitude and will put himself behind me 100 percent...if I only knew what that was. 

So maybe this is more of a self-esteem thing for you? I hope I’m not misunderstanding; I’m trying to understand how you’re feeling.

[TexasProud]

Just now, maize said:

 

I just don't get the impression that this amount is unreasonable given your family circumstances for a hobby that brings you fulfillment. Saving money isn't always the wisest and best choice.

See my post above.

[Ann.without.an.e]

7 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

Yeah, nothing really gives me joy at the present time.  Well, talking with my daughter this morning did.  First time something has in awhile. The conference I thought I would enjoy so much, I didn't. 

Then I’m with @Catwoman and say shelve it all.

Seeing your posts across several threads I will say maybe we are a lot alike and also married to similar men (as we’ve agreed). You’re trying to be a task oriented person when you’re actually a people oriented person. Your DH is the task oriented person. You’re trying to live your life to make a task oriented person proud and it’s not where your heart is. There was no joy to be found in my life until I embraced that DH and I were wired differently. I embraced that loving people well and serving others and having strong connections was my passion.

[TexasProud]

Just now, Catwoman said:

So maybe this is more of a self-esteem thing for you? I hope I’m not misunderstanding; I’m trying to understand how you’re feeling.

LOL. So am I. 😁  I just want to make a valuable contribution to the world.

[maize]

2 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

I guess there is something about making money and contributing and not relying on my husband's income.  The happiest times in our marriage is the 5 years I taught before we had kids, the 3 years I taught at the private school and my first year of seminary. There is something about having my own money that just makes me feel better about myself.  That said, I am more frugal than my husband is. He has never said I can't spend money or anything like that and yes, he has pretty much said, "I don't care. If it makes you happy, it is worth it."  But I want to pay my own way or it is MINE.  I don't know how to explain it. Otherwise, awe  what a sweet little hobby the doctor's wife has.  Which honestly, was kind of his attitude for the first half of our marriage. I could do whatever I wanted as long as it didn't impact what he needed/wanted to do.  I could have my fun hobby.  So I want MY work to be important. To mean something. And he has repented and apologized for his previous attitude and will put himself behind me 100 percent...if I only knew what that was. 

We cross-posted before.

With this perspective...do you have any interest in teaching again? It is valuable work and would provide more income than a blog or publishing devotionals or anything is likely to bring in in the near future.

[Ann.without.an.e]

2 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

LOL. So am I. 😁  I just want to make a valuable contribution to the world.

From the wedding threads to even my patio table thread, you’ve expressed a lot of wanting community and wanting connection. It’s what your heart wants. You’re fighting it and staying so busy trying to be something you’re not that you’re possibly miserable and checked out? And it’s because you’re not doing what your heart desires ❤️

Edited June 13, 2022 by Ann.without.an.e

[regentrude]

4 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

 I just want to make a valuable contribution to the world.

I get that. However, your writing as contribution to the world does not become any more valuable if you twist yourself into a pretzel because the thought of figuring out the marketing is paralyzing you. Throw it on your website. For free. With the old theme. Get a facebook page. Bless those who come across your work with your gift. 

ETA: If it is about a financial contribution to your household, get a job. No amount of monetizing your writing will get you a significant sum that is remotely comparable to minimum wage.

Edited June 13, 2022 by regentrude

[TexasProud]

On 6/13/2022 at 3:27 PM, maize said:

nm

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Edited July 26, 2022 by TexasProud

[Catwoman]

3 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

LOL. So am I. 😁  I just want to make a valuable contribution to the world.

Have you ever considered the possibility that you were already making a valuable contribution to the world? You have done so much to help your husband over the years, and it sounds like you have raised great kids. You have also done a tremendous amount of volunteer work. I don’t think you give yourself enough credit. Maybe it’s time for you to focus on doing things that you enjoy, not on things that you feel you should be doing in order to contribute to the world.

[regentrude]

1 minute ago, TexasProud said:

In my school district probably not. Plus, when I got married, I knew that we would be doing overseas medical missions when he retired. I signed up for that. And the 6 weeks he was gone this last January/Feb....yeah. It really wasn't good for a variety of reasons. I do not want to be separated that much. And he has to do surgical missions on a regular basis to keep up his skills. 

There are teaching gigs online which can be done from any place in the world provided you have internet

[TexasProud]

On 6/13/2022 at 3:28 PM, Ann.without.an.e said:

 

nm

Edited July 26, 2022 by TexasProud

[Catwoman]

1 minute ago, TexasProud said:

In my school district probably not. Plus, when I got married, I knew that we would be doing overseas medical missions when he retired. I signed up for that. And the 6 weeks he was gone this last January/Feb....yeah. It really wasn't good for a variety of reasons. I do not want to be separated that much. And he has to do surgical missions on a regular basis to keep up his skills. 

Then why not relax and enjoy traveling with your dh? It sounds like you always enjoyed the mission trips.

[maize]

Just now, TexasProud said:

In my school district probably not. Plus, when I got married, I knew that we would be doing overseas medical missions when he retired. I signed up for that. And the 6 weeks he was gone this last January/Feb....yeah. It really wasn't good for a variety of reasons. I do not want to be separated that much. And he has to do surgical missions on a regular basis to keep up his skills. 

Does contributing to the medical missions feel fulfilling to you?

 

[TexasProud]

Just now, regentrude said:

There are teaching gigs online which can be done from any place in the world provided you have internet

That is a possibility. That said, I so much enjoyed in person classes more than online. I am so sick of online stuff.  

[Ann.without.an.e]

Just now, Catwoman said:

Have you ever considered the possibility that you were already making a valuable contribution to the world? You have done so much to help your husband over the years, and it sounds like you have raised great kids. You have also done a tremendous amount of volunteer work. I don’t think you give yourself enough credit. Maybe it’s time for you to focus on doing things that you enjoy, not on things that you feel you should be doing in order to contribute to the world.

This! Like a bazillion times this! And do you know why I minimized my contributions? Because I had a DH who was so task oriented and accomplished so very much that I felt inadequate but pouring into people is a contribution, you just don’t see the results of it so tangibly. 

[regentrude]

1 minute ago, TexasProud said:

That is a possibility. That said, I so much enjoyed in person classes more than online. I am so sick of online stuff.  

can you teach short term workshops in person when you are on mission and when you are home?

[Ann.without.an.e]

4 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

Yeah, but there is no way to do community with this much traveling and again, I knew this when I married him almost 35 years ago.

Are you certain? Having strong connections doesn’t have to be sitting down with the same people every day or every week?  But in general I mean more about feeling fulfilled in what you’re putting into others and into connections rather than tasks accomplished. Embracing that. This can mean people you meet on a missions trip or your DH and children. 
 

eta, it isn’t as much about doing something different as embracing that you don’t have to be your DH and accomplish a whirlwind of recognizable tasks. 

Edited June 13, 2022 by Ann.without.an.e

[TexasProud]

On 6/13/2022 at 3:31 PM, maize said:

 

 

nm

Edited July 26, 2022 by TexasProud

[TexasProud]

On 6/13/2022 at 3:34 PM, Ann.without.an.e said:

 

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Edited July 26, 2022 by TexasProud

[TexasProud]

nm

Edited July 26, 2022 by TexasProud

[regentrude]

2 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

And yes, that is part of my conversation with my daughter. ( A LOT of it was about her. I promise. We didn't talk about me for 4 hours.) I told her that I felt a bit stuck about what my next step should be.  That everyone is like, well, it is your mom, so just concentrate on that.  But before that it was Covid and  just wait it out, before that it was a crisis with our oldest, before that it was taking care of great-grandmother, before that my dad.  And not to be fatalistic, but my husband could have another medical crisis. I could be diagnosed with breast cancer at any time with my family history. My doc is seeing me twice a year because he is so concerned. I don't know how to make plans in a world like that. Or how to enjoy and give emotional energy to something without my hopes being completely dashed by some crisis.

I get it. It is hard making plans, Covid has shown that to all of us. 
This is where Zen and mindfulness really made a difference for me. We have only this moment. We cannot alter the past and cannot predict the future. We can focus on the NOW, without plans, without expectations. Do the best we can in the thing we are doing, and let go.

I help an older friend on her farm. I weed, shovel compost, dig, plant. I do it with full attention. Then I walk away. Whether the plants grow or not is out of my control. I have no expectations for it. I totally detach from the outcome. I have given it my full attention in the moment I did the work, and that is all I can do. It is enough.

[DreamerGirl]

40 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

LOL.  The point of my post. How do I decide what I WANT to do???

I decide on how it makes me feel vs how good I am at it. Some things that bring me joy I am terrible at like dancing I pay money for. I attend a weekly dance class, two left feet and graceless. It is pretty much putting money down the drain if I look at it as a skill I acquire, but if I look at it in terms of joy, it is literally priceless.

I feel so happy after it and it helped tremendously during the pandemic especially.

I always was very intentional about doing things when I was younger. Everything had to have a purpose, it should not be wasteful be it time or money. Younger me would have considered money spent on a dance class frivolous. But older and more experienced me knows that for me to give to others, I must first fill myself. It goes against the opposite of everything I was taught and believed in. The whole be selfless. But I find doing things that make me happy even when I am not good at it just for the simple joy of it makes me feel better as cliche as it sounds and makes me give more of myself.

Point of this ramble is, find what makes you happy, It may sound as utterly selfish advice. But the more you fill yourself, the more you are able to give of yourself joyfully and without it sounding like a chore or a duty is my experience. Now I have nothing against chores or duties, the world will collapse without that. But sprinkling my day with things that I want to do makes the tedium of things that have to be done joyful. 

 

[TexasProud]

On 6/13/2022 at 3:56 PM, regentrude said:

I

nm

Edited July 26, 2022 by TexasProud

[regentrude]

2 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

That would be totally against my wiring. LOL.  I have been a future planner since I was a kid. I feel lost without a meaningful goal. 

I am a perfectionist overachieving planner, too. I had to learn this the hard way. Because I was unable to plan or reason my way out of deep depression.
The only way forward was to let go of that baggage. If you read some of my past posts on this forum, I struggled with the search for the meaningful goal for years. Until I found joy.

Edited June 13, 2022 by regentrude

[maize]

1 hour ago, TexasProud said:

In my school district probably not. Plus, when I got married, I knew that we would be doing overseas medical missions when he retired. I signed up for that. And the 6 weeks he was gone this last January/Feb....yeah. It really wasn't good for a variety of reasons. I do not want to be separated that much. And he has to do surgical missions on a regular basis to keep up his skills. 

I just thought of something:

I have started substitute teaching for my local school district, very part-time, and it is an ideal job for flexibility. Maybe substituting could be an option for you? The way it works in my district, we see a calendar of available substitute jobs and click "accept job" for any we want the take. There is no need to schedule time when you are unavailable--you just don't take a job for that time. I have a friend who has been doing this nearly full-time for the past year; she prefers to teach junior high and high school so those are the jobs she accepts. Me, I prefer elementary special ed, so that is what I take. You can schedule jobs weeks in advance or just take a job the night before (perfect if life is often uncertain and you don't want to commit far ahead).

I know substituting doesn't work quite the same way everywhere, but it may be worth looking into given that you like to teach and your schedule needs flexibility for travel and family member needs.

[Lucy the Valiant]

1 hour ago, regentrude said:

I get it. It is hard making plans, Covid has shown that to all of us. 
This is where Zen and mindfulness really made a difference for me. We have only this moment. We cannot alter the past and cannot predict the future. We can focus on the NOW, without plans, without expectations. Do the best we can in the thing we are doing, and let go.

I help an older friend on her farm. I weed, shovel compost, dig, plant. I do it with full attention. Then I walk away. Whether the plants grow or not is out of my control. I have no expectations for it. I totally detach from the outcome. I have given it my full attention in the moment I did the work, and that is all I can do. It is enough.

^This post reminds me of the Biblical observation that in any fruitful endeavor, there are sowers, and waterers, and harvesters. How lovely it would be to see all 3 phases of a miracle! But that is not usually the human condition, eh? 

1 hour ago, TexasProud said:

That would be totally against my wiring. LOL.  I have been a future planner since I was a kid. I feel lost without a meaningful goal. 

Can you plan for changing plans? Plan A, Plan B, Plan C? (Don't do it if it makes you crazy, but if it gives you peace and confidence, it can be a load-lightener.)

[TexasProud]

On 6/13/2022 at 5:07 PM, maize said:

 

nm

Edited July 26, 2022 by TexasProud

[HS Mom in NC]

4 hours ago, Ann.without.an.e said:

 

If you live your life like everything is about you and just you then in the end you will have just that, you and only you. What gives life meaning and purpose is involving others, including others, loving others, and thinking about the needs of others. You shouldn't care about the opinions of general people regarding the decisions you make with your life, no, but to not care about what others want and need or how your decisions impact others will lead to a very lonely and meaningless life. 

Wow.  You  seem to have completely lost the context here and gone off to an extreme where I didn't.  That's odd. What's motivating you to do that?

I never said to never consider anyone else under and circumstances.  I just said to consider first what you actually want, not to conform to everyone else from the get go.  You do realize that when I talked about holding up options to values and priorities, that would obviously imply a person's relationships to others, right? Why would you have assumed otherwise?

The OP has a history, including a very recent history, of resenting the real and imagined expectations of others (see the wedding Scrooge thread) and struggles to reconcile those to her own values and priorities.

[HS Mom in NC]

3 hours ago, Ann.without.an.e said:

 

You can’t separate it like that. Correct me here but what I’m hearing is “make your decisions selfishly and then if others and their needs can fit and you’re able to take them into account then that’s fine.” It can turn a bit narcissistic if applied to those who are close to you, those who are affected by actions you choose. As someone whose parents were exactly this way, it doesn’t end well when you’re scratching your head wondering why the people you want to be close to aren’t feeling so close in return. 

Yes, you can separate them like that. That may be something you would personally struggle imagining and doing, but it is actually possible to do it without being narcissistic. People who were raised by narcissists and those with many narcissistic tendencies (like my mother) need to learn how to eliminate that noise at the beginning and ignore the imagined voices of their narcissistic parents telling them it's a selfish thing to do. Narcissists are liars. No, it's not selfish to start by asking yourself what you want apart from what others want. 

[Eos]

2 hours ago, TexasProud said:

LOL.  The point of my post. How do I decide what I WANT to do???

I usually visualize the competing options out to the nth degree, really see them in my mind.  Then I still the image building and feel what it feels like in that visualized space. I compare my feelings and decide based on them.  I'm not looking for joy necessarily, but peace or stress or ah ha! or fatigue. It's not a perfect system but it works for me.

[TexasProud]

On 6/13/2022 at 5:28 PM, HS Mom in NC said:

On 6/13/2022 at 1:37 PM, Ann.without.an.e said:

 

 

 

 

Edited July 26, 2022 by TexasProud

[TechWife]

5 hours ago, Ann.without.an.e said:

 

If you live your life like everything is about you and just you then in the end you will have just that, you and only you. What gives life meaning and purpose is involving others, including others, loving others, and thinking about the needs of others. You shouldn't care about the opinions of general people regarding the decisions you make with your life, no, but to not care about what others want and need or how your decisions impact others will lead to a very lonely and meaningless life. 

The question was about how to know what you want, not how to force your desires on others. When I know what I want, I can self advocate. I have a starting point for compromise. Compromise is a huge part of relationships. Knowing what I want and advocating for it means I am closer to getting what I want and might even get everything I want - who knows? If I don’t know & advocate, I risk not being satisfied. I can be satisfied if I get nothing of what I want as long as I know what my starting point was and realize the necessity of not getting some or all of it, or the satisfaction of yielding everything I want to another’s preferences. Being able to determine personal preference doesn’t mean that I insist on getting my way. 

[Clarita]

4 hours ago, Ann.without.an.e said:

Correct me here but what I’m hearing is “make your decisions selfishly and then if others and their needs can fit and you’re able to take them into account then that’s fine.” It can turn a bit narcissistic if applied to those who are close to you, those who are affected by actions you choose. As someone whose parents were exactly this way, it doesn’t end well when you’re scratching your head wondering why the people you want to be close to aren’t feeling so close in return. 

That's not it at all. You don't make the decision just because you want it. You figure out what you want, then you make the decision if it should be something you do or not. That's when you factor in how this thing will affect those closest to you. The narcissism comes in when you don't factor in other people in the final decision making.

Regular people feel just fine going I want a Ferrari, but it deprives of my family of more important things. So I won't get a Farrari, and that's OK. The problem is you want a Ferrari and you just go and get one, or there really isn't money in your bank account and because you want it, it is now not OK that you don't have it.

[Clarita]

4 hours ago, TexasProud said:

So, yes, as one of you mentioned it shouldn’t be what I want, but what God wants. 

I'm going to lovingly tell you as a sister in Christ God want s A LOT of things. I believe the one thing He doesn't want is for you to be paralyzed thinking about what He really wants. 

1 hour ago, TexasProud said:

In a rare moment, I was actually honest. I said, if my test comes back positive ( which I have a 30 percent chance of it happening each time), and I am here by myself. I will lose it. Yes, I need you to stay.  It wasn't.  I was fine. He, on the other hand, didn't get a chance to practice his surgical skills which made him rustier when he went in January. He really couldn't help me with my mom and so he felt pretty useless sitting here at home.  Now he is a big boy, I get that.  But still, my needs negatively affected his life.  They just did. My needs were not wrong. Neither were his. But they did cost him.  I am not wrong to consider other people's needs. 

This is something I had to learn in marriage therapy, because I have abandonment issues probably because my mom is at least a little bit narcissistic. Your needs yes did negatively affect him but it's not your problem. Gently let your man put on his own big boy pants. He seems absolutely capable of it. You have to let him "sacrifice" for you sometimes, don't deprive him of those opportunities. It's not making him feel any better to always have you cater to him. So always be honest with your husband. Always tell him what you want. You can end those statement with "I understand it'll be a sacrifice on your part and feel free to say no", if you want to give him an out to make yourself feel better. Trust and respect him to know he is capable of giving  you a straight answer too. 

 

[Longtime Lurker]

4 hours ago, Ann.without.an.e said:

Then I’m with @Catwoman and say shelve it all.

Seeing your posts across several threads I will say maybe we are a lot alike and also married to similar men (as we’ve agreed). You’re trying to be a task oriented person when you’re actually a people oriented person. Your DH is the task oriented person. You’re trying to live your life to make a task oriented person proud and it’s not where your heart is. There was no joy to be found in my life until I embraced that DH and I were wired differently. I embraced that loving people well and serving others and having strong connections was my passion.

This is a really great observation.

2 hours ago, maize said:

I just thought of something:

I have started substitute teaching for my local school district, very part-time, and it is an ideal job for flexibility. Maybe substituting could be an option for you? The way it works in my district, we see a calendar of available substitute jobs and click "accept job" for any we want the take. There is no need to schedule time when you are unavailable--you just don't take a job for that time. I have a friend who has been doing this nearly full-time for the past year; she prefers to teach junior high and high school so those are the jobs she accepts. Me, I prefer elementary special ed, so that is what I take. You can schedule jobs weeks in advance or just take a job the night before (perfect if life is often uncertain and you don't want to commit far ahead).

I know substituting doesn't work quite the same way everywhere, but it may be worth looking into given that you like to teach and your schedule needs flexibility for travel and family member needs.

This is what I do and I love it! I did end up with a permanent position of sorts, which you could easily decline if it interfered with travel. My position is in the same school, but not in the same classroom.

1 minute ago, Clarita said:

I'm going to lovingly tell you as a sister in Christ God want s A LOT of things. I believe the one thing He doesn't want is for you to be paralyzed thinking about what He really wants. 

This is important. God doesn't always tell us specifically what to do. Sometimes we just have to rely on what He wrote in scripture and choose something that aligns with that or, at least, does not go against it. What God really wants is for us to grow closer to Him. How we get there is often (not always) up to us.

[HS Mom in NC]

2 hours ago, TexasProud said:

The thing is my choices, though they were not wrong, have negatively affected the people in my life. Here is one example I am willing to go public with, but there are several more I am not.  He asked me last fall if I wanted him NOT to go to Africa while I was dealing with my mom. It was so crazy and she wasn't doing well.  While he was gone, I would be getting my annual mammogram and sonogram ( yes I get both now). 

In a rare moment, I was actually honest. I said, if my test comes back positive ( which I have a 30 percent chance of it happening each time), and I am here by myself. I will lose it. Yes, I need you to stay.  It wasn't.  I was fine. He, on the other hand, didn't get a chance to practice his surgical skills which made him rustier when he went in January. He really couldn't help me with my mom and so he felt pretty useless sitting here at home.  Now he is a big boy, I get that.  But still, my needs negatively affected his life.  They just did. My needs were not wrong. Neither were his. But they did cost him.  I am not wrong to consider other people's needs. 

You should always be honest.  It shouldn't be rare. Who sent you the message that there's something wrong with always being honest? Stop believing whoever told you that; they lied to you and aren't trustworthy. Tell the truth, let the chips fall where they may. Truth is the nature of Jesus.  Lies are the nature of Satan.

No one ever said or implied that you're wrong considering someone else's needs.  It's not black and white like that-it's far more complex and nuanced. That's where values and priorities come into play and become part of the metric.

Yes, every.single.decision.ever. in the history of the universe always has and always will have a cost. Sometimes a high cost, a low cost, or a moderate cost. So? That's not unique, it's part of the reality of decision making.  Classifying that as a negative is a bad mental health habit, a departure from reality, and a guarantee of unhappiness. Choices are packaged deals with built in pros and cons. Every time you choose between 2 or more options, you give up both the pros and the cons of all the options not selected.  You're supposed to accept the pros and cons in the option you did choose.  That shouldn't be demoralizing.  It's just how life works.  Some form of accepting the cons as the price of admission to the pros is how healthy people reconcile them. You seem to expect the world to be neater and tidier than it actually is, which is one reason why I suspect you might be on the The Spectrum.  I think you should get tested and if you are, get some help for your rigid thinking.

I have an idealistic kid that I would have to tell matter of factly, "Honey, this is just a choice, you're not being oppressed.  Usually choices include some of what you want and some of what you don't.  That's just how it is.  We can't always have everything we want, but we can usually get some of what we want, so what do you most want and which of your options is the closest to that?"


So your husband had to choose between going to Africa and keeping skills up or being with you while you were struggling with your mother and facing potentially terrible news about your health.  He picked you.  No one can predict the future, so he hedged his bet in favor of being there for you just in case.  The in case didn't happen, but the cost was obviously worth it because the potential alternative to a Africa and a little rusty was you losing it and being overwhelmed.  It was a good choice on his part.  Your choosing to see it as a negative "Oh no, he's rusty and a little bored" is not a big deal.  It's a very small price to pay to insure you had him with you just in case. He's a grown man capable of entertaining himself and if he chose not to keep busy enough to suit him, oh well. Shrug.  It was still worth it.  Count the win and move on.  You two are in a marriage, you're not single, foot loose and fancy free, so you make concessions for each other because that's how normal healthy marriages work.  People do it all the time.

And as to being upset about not being able to plan-welcome to the reality of middle age.  Middle age means the beginning of declining health and eldercare for our parents and for someone people, grandparents too. (BTDT, still doing it off and on.)  THAT'S what we can all plan on: being on call for sudden health changes in ourselves and our parents. So, I'm not unsympathetic at all. It's the nature of this stage of life and it's a mental adjustment from earlier, more certain stages. 

In the last 15 years I've helped care for my grandparents for 3 years (leukemia and Alzheimer's-Mom's an only child), my 47 year old SIL dying of breast cancer for 11 years, another late 40s SIL dealing with ongoing thyroid cancer issues and other serious health problems , my dad needing me to help care for him from a 3 bypass (he lives alone), and a daughter with ongoing serious mental health issues, finding out 2 years ago I have the bones of an 80 year old, serious spinal issues where I could be paralyzed from a minor car accident or fall or due to ongoing degeneration, and other things.  That's all within the realm of normal for middle aged people (45+.) It's more common with each passing year.

What to do about that? Plan for now and plan for contingencies.  What do I want to do while my health is still good? Do that until I can't.  What do I want to do within the constraints of moderately declining health?  Do that until I can't.  What do I want to do within the constraints of my spouse being functional ?  Do that until I can't. What do I want to do within the constraints of my spouse's declining health? Do that until I can't. That's what SIL did through 11 years of cancer starting when her kids were 1 and 4 until they were 12 and 16 when she died.  She did what she could, she enjoyed the little things she could, then she stopped when she couldn't anymore.  It's all we can do. 

With 100% certainty we will all get older, sicker, and more dependent on others, and then die just like each generation before us. No surprises there.  That's part of the deal of being alive. Happiness is the by product of meaning and purpose, so we need to focus on meaningful choices in whatever circumstances we're in. We can make plans, but those plans are subject to constraints beyond our control at times. We just have to adapt our thinking when what we planned is no longer an option.  That's reality we all need to accept. You may need professional counseling to help you do that if you struggle with it on your own. Go get some.  Between the counseling I've had others around me have had, I can say it's well worth the investment.

[importswim]

In the Christian community there seems to be this mythical un-knowness that people attach to God's will for our lives. Feeling unsure in the absence of direction can be debilitating, however, it doesn't have to be. He has already given us direction as to His will for us: Matthew 22:37-40 and I'd add reading Micah 6:8 as well.

Sometimes He makes His will known by opening/closing doors and giving really clear direction. Other times we make the best decision with the information we know at the time and know that He will be with us whatever the journey.

Pick something that you enjoy doing and pursue it. If it stops being a joy you don't have to continue to do it. 

Edited June 14, 2022 by importswim

[TexasProud]

And here I sit, reading the boards endlessly. I cannot make myself do anything.

[kbutton]

18 hours ago, TexasProud said:

Yeah, but there is no way to do community with this much traveling and again, I knew this when I married him almost 35 years ago.

I think you need to let go of the "I knew this...35 years ago" stuff. He can bend and accommodate. You can let him bend and accommodate.

18 hours ago, TexasProud said:

I don't know how to make plans in a world like that. Or how to enjoy and give emotional energy to something without my hopes being completely dashed by some crisis.

I don't know how to make plans in a world like that, but I do know that I need something to look forward to. I think sometimes focusing on planning and goals is not how to make something to look forward to. My whole world has been upended in the last few weeks, and I hope it's temporary, but there are aspects of it that might not be. I am still looking forward to some things that are coming up. 

17 hours ago, TexasProud said:

That would be totally against my wiring. LOL.  I have been a future planner since I was a kid. I feel lost without a meaningful goal. 

I am a planner, but I have never, ever known what I want to do/be as a be-all, end-all goal. If someone asks me what my dreams are, I can describe aspects of life that I want in place (for instance--you describe connection, etc.), but I can't tell you what that will look like or even what I want it to look like. At times, this has been painful since so many people seem to want to know and so many people seem to think that having goals, etc. makes a person more decisive, harder working, more mature, etc. I don't think that's particularly true; I think people those people are made differently.

I do, however, try to do things well and stay on top of options. If I had solid goals, I would be so lost right now because they would be thwarted. But that doesn't mean that I don't find things to enjoy or plan out options to explore (like someone said, Plans A, B, and C). But every time something hasn't worked out, it's been because something else crazy happened. It would've been a lot crazier to deal with if I had to cancel all my plans vs. just having had them not come to fruition in the first place, and I am really grateful we aren't stuck in a corner as a result. 

16 hours ago, TexasProud said:

The thing is my choices, though they were not wrong, have negatively affected the people in my life. Here is one example I am willing to go public with, but there are several more I am not.  He asked me last fall if I wanted him NOT to go to Africa while I was dealing with my mom. It was so crazy and she wasn't doing well.  While he was gone, I would be getting my annual mammogram and sonogram ( yes I get both now). 

In a rare moment, I was actually honest. I said, if my test comes back positive ( which I have a 30 percent chance of it happening each time), and I am here by myself. I will lose it. Yes, I need you to stay.  It wasn't.  I was fine. He, on the other hand, didn't get a chance to practice his surgical skills which made him rustier when he went in January. He really couldn't help me with my mom and so he felt pretty useless sitting here at home.  Now he is a big boy, I get that.  But still, my needs negatively affected his life.  They just did. My needs were not wrong. Neither were his. But they did cost him.  I am not wrong to consider other people's needs. 

I think what you are describing as his needs are his wants. Period. He is retired, so income is not a problem, correct? He is retired, so keeping his skills up is a bonus, correct? 

This is a want for him. Just like everyone else, there are times in life he doesn't get what he wants.

You bend a lot around him, and that's not necessarily a horrible thing. It is however, terrible, if he doesn't realize this and just lets it happen. You must let him see that you are adjusting to him so that he makes these choices--it's fine that he asked if you wanted him to stay, but I think it would've just been better for him to figure it out himself and then just decided to stay because he's your husband. He knew 35 years ago that he was going to be your husband, and he should know that being a husband can mean that you have to support your spouse.

12 hours ago, HS Mom in NC said:

You seem to expect the world to be neater and tidier than it actually is, which is one reason why I suspect you might be on the The Spectrum. 

I really don't see this, but I can totally see that her DH might be (or might have some other diagnostically significant way of being that makes him rigid). He sounds like some who possibly expects life to be neat and tidy, and his wife has taken on the role of making it so because, for some reason, it's easier. It might be easier because he might be the rigid one. Or, he might be oblivious and just let her do this--that's probably worse because he could choose to open his eyes up and see. People seem to read this as her putting things on herself, but it could be that she's been responding to things over time like a frog in a pot of slowly heating water. Just a hypothesis. 

 

[fairfarmhand]

I won't quote all the things, I just have random thoughts:

 

RE: I knew what I was getting into when we married 35 years ago---Circumstances change plans. Period. You are a different person now than you were then. If your dh wants to travel and you don't, come to a compromise where you travel some of the time.

 

RE: Teaching Classes or leading book clubs etc --Classes don't have to be all year round. I love session classes that last 8 to 10 weeks. This gives me breaks through the year and if I am going to be out for some of the class, I just don't sign up for that session. It also keep the material fresh. Think outside the box on this one if you really want to do this. I love teaching classes because I need deadlines and accountability to keep moving. 

 

RE: Technical stuff for your websites and blogs--Hire someone. Do what you're good at--writing--and pay someone to do the other part. You may make your money back or you may not. No big deal. Just hire someone and you might be surprised. Take the huge hurdle of the technical stuff off your plate and let a pro do it.

RE: Not being able to plan because things because of fear of cancellation--I have a friend with a chronic illness. She never knows from one day to another whether or not she will be healthy enough to do things. She still plans stuff because she really would live a hopeless joyless life if she just sat at home waiting to get sick. If you teach a class, have a capable assistant so they can take over if you need to help your parents. People do this stuff all the time with your same responsibilities and they figure out ways to make it work.

 

Edited June 14, 2022 by fairfarmhand

[Garga]

3 hours ago, TexasProud said:

And here I sit, reading the boards endlessly. I cannot make myself do anything.

Maybe you just don’t need to do anything for the next …year?  I’m mostly serious about this. Maybe it’s time to “turn your clothes hangers around.”

Every year, I turn all my clothes hangers the other way around. When I wear something, I put it back in the closet the right way. After a year, anything that didn’t get worn, gets donated. I can tell it didn’t get worn, because the hanger is backwards.

Maybe it’s time to turn all the clothes hangers around on that (overwhelming and exhausting) list of things you do. Don’t require yourself to do any of them: no lists, no goals.  

And then wait and see which activities you actually bother doing over the next year. 

It’s your life. You can do whatever you want with it. If you want to hang out on the boards for the next 6 months, then hang out. Let things unfold as they will, rather than forcing a decision. 

It’s ok to be a human being, and not a human doing, for a while.

Edited June 14, 2022 by Garga

[WildflowerMom]

14 minutes ago, Garga said:

Maybe you just don’t need to do anything for the next …year?  I’m mostly serious about this. Maybe it’s time to “turn your clothes hangers around.”

Every year, I turn all my clothes hangers the other way around. When I wear something, I put it back in the closet the right way. After a year, anything that didn’t get worn, gets donated. I can tell it didn’t get worn, because the hanger is backwards.

Maybe it’s time to turn all the clothes hangers around on that (overwhelming and exhausting) list of things you do. Don’t require yourself to do any of them: no lists, no goals.  

And then wait and see which activities you actually bother doing over the next year. 

It’s your life. You can do whatever you want with it. If you want to hang out on the boards for the next 6 months, then hang out. Let things unfold as they will, rather than forcing a decision. 

It’s ok to be a human being, and not a human doing for a while.

I’m screenshotting this.   I love this, garga. 

[Guest]

20 hours ago, TexasProud said:

So that is part of all of this.  I don't know how to make plans when everything could change with mom at the drop of the hat.  Then, I am the age when both my mom and my grandmother were diagnosed with breast cancer. So at any time, it could be me. 

Gently, though…that is always true. At any time, the proverbial other shoe may drop and a plot twist is going to spin you sideways. If you never get going in a direction for fear you’ll be forced to pivot…well, you’re probably going to lead an unfulfilling life. It’s a crapshoot; none of us knows when everything is going to change. 

[importswim]

8 hours ago, TexasProud said:

And here I sit, reading the boards endlessly. I cannot make myself do anything.

Ah, okay. Gently, do you think you could have depression?

From what you've stated on this thread you've been through a lot. With your Mom and the history of cancer in your family, your own mammograms, all of the medical missions, Covid putting everything on hold (and the lack of medical missions, etc...), having a task oriented husband whilst being more relational yourself (stressing about people and how you affect them) etc... Lots of stress.

Do you get tired easily when there's a lot of "stuff" happening or does it energize you? Have you hit a wall with all of the "unfinished" hobbies in your life? Sometimes when I have a lot going on (or even just the thought that there's lot that needs my attention that I might be not doing well) it can make me shut down. 

When things that you used to enjoy don't bring you joy anymore a good question to ask yourself is if you may be dealing with depression. Stress (even good stress) can bring you to a breaking point. It sounds like you might be there. Is there anyone in real life that you can confide in to help you to figure that out?

Either way, it's ok to not do anything. If you're to the point of really not doing anything (even basic things) then the best advice I can give is to make sure that you're showering, eating, getting out in the fresh air, and hopefully staying in the Word (if this has been hard to then confide in someone who can walk alongside you)!

[Catwoman]

9 hours ago, TexasProud said:

And here I sit, reading the boards endlessly. I cannot make myself do anything.

So maybe that’s the way things are supposed to be for a while. Maybe you need to relax and decompress and stop worrying so much about whether or not you’re productive.

Also, I think you should stop comparing yourself to your dh. Yes, we get it; he’s a major over-achiever who can’t stand it if he’s not busy and accomplishing things. He also had a stroke, probably at least in part because of that kind of mindset. Don’t be him. Don’t even try. He’s not better than you because he accomplishes more. That’s not a measure of personal worth. 

Don’t be so hard on yourself!  🙂 

[TexasProud]

On 6/14/2022 at 5:18 PM, Catwoman said:

 

nm

Edited July 26, 2022 by TexasProud

[regentrude]

5 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

Nope, he had it because of me and that is all I will say on the board. But I caused it. Another example of my needs hurting him.

Gently: you do not have the power to CAUSE another person to have a stroke. That's not how strokes work.

[TexasProud]

On 6/14/2022 at 5:51 PM, regentrude said:

nm

nm

Edited July 26, 2022 by TexasProud