Dd/health - Update in OP

[BakersDozen]

I need to let this out and this is the only "anonymous" place I can do so. Dd23 has always been the kind of person who is fiercely independent. When she was a year old she got surgery to remove an extra toe (bone). Doctor said to keep cast on for 2 weeks and have her take it easy. No less than 10 minutes after we got home she had it off and was walking around. I slipped it back on, she took it off, doctor said just leave it off if it wasn't bothering her. The girl got in an accident on her bike some years ago and stitched her chin up. These good and strong ways of handling physical stuff were (kind of) impressive, but she also self-medicated to try and sleep, then downed energy drinks to stay awake during the day, then more sleep meds until something happened which I can't even type out because I'll sob all over again.

So she's off at school and what I had told her for quite some time (that she has low iron) and for which she refused to get tested finally caught up to her. She is a physical disaster. But I can't say much because she just dismisses/pushes back. Doesn't matter how I phrase things, she does not receive anything well and can be, in fact, quite abrasive and unkind. And so I breathe deep breaths from afar and pray she doesn't end up at a point it's too late for her to test or get help.

Got a message yesterday morning that she's doing OK...her fever of 102 has "only" been there for about 6 days. I gently encouraged her to go to Urgent Care because it sounds like something more than the self-diagnosed flu she claimed. Plus given the fact that it was discovered last year that she has a leaky heart valve, perhaps it would be beneficial to see what is going on?? Especially since she missed the last two follow-up appointments for both her iron and her heart? And I waited...and waited... Last night another message saying she's in the ER and getting b/w done then a scan. But she's "fine" and "it's nothing."

Emergency surgery for appendicitis last night.

OK, so here's where I want to scream really ugly things. This girl isn't stupid. She's pursuing BioChem and is at the top of her class, has won top honors/awards for her work, but when it comes to her own health she's just so foolish. And she's with a guy who matches her academic knowledge/experience and he's just as foolish. And here I am revisiting in my mind when my oldest dd was with a guy who didn't know anything (but thought he knew everything) and my dd refused to accept that something was wrong and so between the two of them and their jaw-dropping foolishness, she ended up in the hospital with a blood sugar level high enough to put her in a diabetic coma. But oh, no, nothing was wrong with her, right??? And nothing was wrong with my second dd, right???

Maybe it's the sudden rush of knowing dd is being cared for and the tension releasing, but I am crying and wanting to shake her. And him.

That's all.

ETA: Dd is also a CNA which makes me want to smack something. sigh

UPDATE: I've been talking w/my dd every day which is simply amazing. We would go for literally months w/o hearing from her, even when she lived 2 miles away. She's just that personality and we tried to accept it. Anyway, she calls or emails with questions or just to say hi. Because she's recovering and has nothing else to do...but I'm OK with that while it lasts. She's quite "soft" while on heavy pain meds, lol! It's funny to hear her talk so differently than I know she'll sound in another few days. The infection was so bad it spread to her fallopian tubes - she was too woozy to remember anything the doctor said but should find out today what that means for future fertility. She had a roommate from h*ll - an older lady who sounded, looked and behaved like my own mom. Lovely, right?

Edited April 13, 2022 by BakersDozen

[MercyA]

Oh, momma. Hugs to you. 

I'm glad everything is okay now.

Smart people aren't always wise. 😉 

Is she on the spectrum, maybe?

[kbutton]

Hugs.

I am sorry. This would sorely test my adulting. Reckless behavior is a pet peeve of mine.

Is she neurotypical? Lack of bodily awareness can be a sign she’s not (autism). If she’s aware but doesn’t care, that could be ADHD. I know they say that the frontal lobe doesn’t mature until later 20s, but I know those who show little to no restraint until their 40s and even then are not particularly typical in their responses. I know some people channel this into better impulses, but not everyone has talent (to safely take physical risks) or money to take up a hobby that vents that recklessness well.

 

[Arcadia]

Is her medical needs taken care of by her college’s medical center or under your family insurance? My experience has been that college medical center don’t profit as much for student services while private doctors are more likely to nag and follow up because the profit margins are better. 
Also, I had many medical issues in childhood and college though nothing serious. Sometimes you want to pretend to have no medical issues like everyone else. When I was in high school, I was “taking care of” a junior who has a congenital hole in the heart as well as epilepsy in my capacity as student counselor assigned to his class. He also downplayed his medical condition except with medical personnel. 

[ktgrok]

Ugh. That age they think they are invincible. Or, they are terrified they are not, so put head in the sand. 

[Carrie12345]

1 hour ago, BakersDozen said:

This girl isn't stupid

I am sure she isn’t.

<—— tried to refuse an ambulance from the bathroom floor while my Fallopian tube was rupturing.
I was over 30; no real age excuse!

I’m so glad she was able to be treated. Your reaction sounds totally normal to me!

[Splash1]

When I was young I was always "fine".  Dh has in the past picked me up and dropped me off at urgent care and refused to take me home until I had a doctors note.  Twice it was bronchial pneumonia and other times it was a sinus infection or bronchitis.  I truly figured I was fine and it was just a cold.  I didn't know how to even use my health insurance until someone explained it to me when I hurt myself at 25yrs old.  I never went to the doctors as a young adult and rarely when I was young.

 

I'm glad she went to ER and was treated.

[Melissa in Australia]

Hugs

[Guest]

I’m sorry. It’s very hard when the people we love don’t take care of their health. Boy do I know it. “Foolish” Is the perfect word for it. Hugs to you. 

[YaelAldrich]

Children (young adults) are so much fun and make for a calming, relaxing day. Oh wait. Not every child (young adult). Does your DD have another (sane) adult that could speak to them and keep an eye on them?

[BakersDozen]

2 hours ago, YaelAldrich said:

Does your DD have another (sane) adult that could speak to them and keep an eye on them?

Not that I know of. I've heard nothing at all and had a somewhat weepy moment around 4pm.

Thank you all for understanding and letting me let this all out.

[Starr]

I’m so sorry. Young adults make me crazy half the time . 

[Kassia]

1 minute ago, Starr said:

I’m so sorry. Young adults make me crazy half the time . 

Yes, this.  I'm sorry.  I know how frustrating and emotionally draining this is.  Sending hugs.  

[Beth S]

Your post may be JAWM, but I'm a veteran mom of TWO children's appendectomies. 
First one = ruptured while heading to the hospital.  We all thought symptoms were from eating bad hotdogs.
Second one = positioned behind bellybutton, so was totally atypical to determine.

I know your dd (& our 2 kids) had lots of symptoms.
It's just hard to put it all together and determine that it's bad enough to go to the ER.
Really.  😉

Thankfully, it is a common-enough surgery, so they can predict her rapid recovery.
(Except for last week's WTM poster whose dd had a orange-sized blood clot as well.)

 

Edited April 8, 2022 by Beth S

[Farrar]

Hugs. I'm so glad they did eventually go and catch it.

Symptoms like that though... up to the final, dire hours, it could have genuinely been nothing. And if she'd gone in, I give it a good chance they would have made her feel foolish for it. It's just a fever. It's just a virus. Sometimes they last awhile. Now give us thousands of dollars while we put a note in your chart that you're a hypochondriac so you can never get treatment for anything again. Sigh. Yes, I might be bitter. Just ignore me.

[BakersDozen]

She called this morning - there was so much infection. So.much. She'll have a drain and will stay in the hospital through at least Saturday if not longer depending on b/w results.

I will take kids at home with fevers, stomach flu and chicken pox all over their body over one kid away from home who is sick/hurt. Yesterday one of mine had a low fever and every time I put my hand on her forehead or took her temp, I felt grateful that I could do so - that she was at home for me to do so.

 

[Kassia]

8 minutes ago, BakersDozen said:

I will take kids at home with fevers, stomach flu and chicken pox all over their body over one kid away from home who is sick/hurt. 

 

So hard on our momma hearts!  Big hugs to you and I hope your dd is better soon.  Again, I'm sorry.  

[GailV]

I'm so so sorry to read this. Hugs to you.

Just got done messaging with 22yo dd who is having her own health issues, swinging wildly between "oh it's nothing" and "oh no, maybe I need the ER" while living in a different city, so we have to do the long distance thing, asking about symptoms.  It doesn't help that she's so good at faking being okay (and it really doesn't help that she actually went to school to learn acting/faking it).  

I remember the days when I wished they'd safely grow up and out of toddlerhood ... and more experienced parents said, "Nah, that's actually the easy stuff." 

[BakersDozen]

1 hour ago, Farrar said:

Symptoms like that though... up to the final, dire hours, it could have genuinely been nothing. And if she'd gone in, I give it a good chance they would have made her feel foolish for it. It's just a fever. It's just a virus. Sometimes they last awhile. Now give us thousands of dollars while we put a note in your chart that you're a hypochondriac so you can never get treatment for anything again. Sigh. Yes, I might be bitter. Just ignore me.

You are right, though. It's such a cr*p shoot sometimes.

[BakersDozen]

15 hours ago, YaelAldrich said:

Does your DD have another (sane) adult that could speak to them and keep an eye on them?

Nope. Just her brilliant boyfriend (he really is brilliant academically). 😞

[goldberry]

7 hours ago, Beth S said:

Your post may be JAWM, but I'm a veteran mom of TWO children's appendectomies. 
First one = ruptured while heading to the hospital.  We all thought symptoms were from eating bad hotdogs.
Second one = positioned behind bellybutton, so was totally atypical to determine.

I know your dd (& our 2 kids) had lots of symptoms.
It's just hard to put it all together and determine that it's bad enough to go to the ER.
Really.  😉

Thankfully, it is a common-enough surgery, so they can predict her rapid recovery.
(Except for last week's WTM poster whose dd had a orange-sized blood clot as well.)

 

 

 That was me and this week I'm dealing with her, DD23 being crazy woozy from blood loss and wondering why she's not better. She got mad at me for asking what she's been eating, because she ate a cheese stick for heavens sake. 😳😳😳 Protein drinks, yogurt, cheese stick. Did I explain to her right after surgery the importance of eating healthy regular meals for at least a TINY amount of time to build her body back up? Yes. I did. I may as well have been talking to the wall apparently. Oh, and she's a biology major. 🙄🙄🙄

Parenting young adults is the worst.

Edited April 8, 2022 by goldberry

[Grace Hopper]

hugs to you!!! I’ve got one like that, I had to demand (via financial leverage, throw tomatoes but it proved necessary) that we be added to her HIPAA permissions with care providers. One really bad concussion in college sports required us to get involved despite her insistence “it was nothing.” 🙄
 

My guess is that your dd is in a very crucial few weeks in her college semester and knows that something like this could derail her schedule. That could lead to denial or to the thought that she could just push off taking care of it until after semester end. I hope she heals quickly and that her professors are cooperative with her making up for lost time.

Is this the daughter that is closest to your mother? By any chance is her reaction to you colored by that influence?

 

[BakersDozen]

22 minutes ago, Grace Hopper said:

Is this the daughter that is closest to your mother? By any chance is her reaction to you colored by that influence?

Oh no, this dd despises my mother with everything in her. She has not and will not have anything to do with her grandmother (save to completely go off on her if the opportunity arose...which I hope it wouldn't given dd's "passionate" nature).

[fairfarmhand]

Along with the busyness of young adult life, I've had to remind my oldest that I'm her mom and I worry. So if she could keep me up to date on things, it would be helpful.

She's learned though that mom has plenty of experience with medical stuff and I know how to get things done in ways that she may not necessarily have experience with. Now that she's expecting her first baby (any day now) I get all KINDS of questions and information. (Sometimes more than I want to know.)