Internet rules (when it is a problem)

[Lecka]

I am curious what people have found works, for a teen who has problems with the Internet.

My 16yo does fine, it is not an issue with him.

My 13yo has been doing pandemic “everything is on the laptop” school, and it has become clear it is a problem for her.

She is going to start homeschooling after the holidays.

I know for sure — nothing school-related will be done on a computer.  
 

I am considering not letting her have Internet access in her bedroom — this is likely, at this point.  I have already cut way back and it seems to be a good thing.  Maybe it doesn’t have to be zero, but this is happening.

Otherwise, I don’t know.

 

For others who are avoiding Internet-heavy school, do you say none during school time?  Only education-related stuff during school time?  Only with permission and a parent keeping an eye on what is going on?

 

The number one thing I want to do is plan in a way where there are things going on that are inconsistent with being on the Internet — hands on activities or outings.  Plain things but just things that aren’t the Internet.

 Anyway — wondering what has worked for others!

[ScoutTN]

We do not have devices in bedrooms. All computer use is in common areas.

We have software that limits web access - what and how long  - for one child who doesn’t yet have the maturity to handle it. As he grows in self-control, we’ll broaden his access. 

[catz]

We've never allowed devices in bedroom.  Only during covid when my kids were 20 and 16 were laptops occasionally going in bedrooms for dueling zoom classes, etc.  

I would have had a hard time not having any school on a computer when my kids were over like middle school ages.  That said we had some firm limits established early on recreational computer use and gradually let go of them as my kids matured.

[Katy]

No devices in bedrooms. All school and chores done first. There’s a checklist. Stop without complaint when asked or you lose the privilege for a few days. 

Right now we leave them plugged in on the bar between the kitchen and dining room, but I’ve had them all in my bedroom overnight before and I’d do it again if there was a problem. 

[busymama7]

No internet in the bedroom ever.  Including their phones once they have smart phones which isn't until 16/17.  All devices have a password that only I know.  Usually the oldest at home, who has proven themselves, knows it as well for times when it's actually needed and I'm not home.   Computers stay in common area. No gaming without explicit permission.  None of my kids at home now have social media. Made that mistake with older 4 and not doing it again.  Likely a year before college we will start introducing it.  Possibly on my phone only at first to limit the time spent at first.  A friend does that and it works for them so I'm thinking about it.  

 We do have some things on the computer for school but we are all in the main area of the house while it's going on so less likely to get super distracted.  

[Jean in Newcastle]

What is the problem on the internet?  The dopamine response to first person shooter games (for example) is a different problem than one with social media. Obviously people can get addicted to both or can make bad decisions with both but the conversation would go very differently depending on what the exact problem was. (At least it would in my house). 

[Lecka]

I’ll add she is a 7th grader.  “Nothing on a computer” is happening for next semester, but she is likely to try an online class in 8th grade to see how it works for her.  

I think the bedroom is going to be the number one priority.  
 

She doesn’t have social media, she currently is allowed to text using my phone.  My older son got Instagram when he was in 8th grade, and we will not be allowing that with her.  
 

Her brothers will be in public school, and I think it would make sense to say no recreational Internet during her brothers’ school hours, period.

 

 

[Lecka]

The problem is — she always wants to have two windows open and mess around.  She always wants to take breaks to look up something unrelated (like — something about a tv show).  
 

I didn’t know that Reddit was such a rabbit hole, I have deleted it now and glance at what she is doing to make sure she’s not on it — it seems she is not.  And then that is going into — not wanting her in her bedroom where she might look at Reddit.  She had it for about a month.  
 

Edit:  the Reddit was a wake-up call.  She was looking at things like — a fan site for a tv show she likes, which I thought would be fine, but it turned out there was really inappropriate stuff even with that.  

Edited December 24, 2021 by Lecka

[Lecka]

Also I think she is someone who just seems like she was going in a bad direction with the Internet, starting to want to look at dark, weird stuff.  That is totally inappropriate for her age in every way. 
 

So I don’t think she has had a big problem with looking at inappropriate content, it just looks like that is where she would be headed.

 

 

[vonfirmath]

1 hour ago, Lecka said:

The problem is — she always wants to have two windows open and mess around.  She always wants to take breaks to look up something unrelated (like — something about a tv show).  
 

I didn’t know that Reddit was such a rabbit hole, I have deleted it now and glance at what she is doing to make sure she’s not on it — it seems she is not.  And then that is going into — not wanting her in her bedroom where she might look at Reddit.  She had it for about a month.  
 

Edit:  the Reddit was a wake-up call.  She was looking at things like — a fan site for a tv show she likes, which I thought would be fine, but it turned out there was really inappropriate stuff even with that.  

We discovered with my son that he had learned to use the Private browsing ability on browsers to make his history "Seem" clear -- but he was still accessing inappropriate stuff. 

[Lecka]

Thanks, that is good to know. 

[Rosie_0801]

2 hours ago, Lecka said:

Also I think she is someone who just seems like she was going in a bad direction with the Internet, starting to want to look at dark, weird stuff.  That is totally inappropriate for her age in every way. 

Perhaps it'd be best to read and discuss from books. That way she will have at least some of the information she wants, supervised, and without visuals.
I tend to take a 'forewarned is forearmed' approach and don't equate ignorance with innocence, generally speaking. Ignorance doesn't feel good. With dd, we told her to stay away from a couple of topics because she really didn't need the visuals, but to discuss anything else with us to make sure she was processing it properly.

Having two tabs open, one for work and one for looking up tv shows or whatever can be a training of a short concentration span or it can be to relieve tension or otherwise allow space for inspiration to form. 

Ymmv, of course.

[Lecka]

I see her pace a lot at home as a little break while she is thinking about something.  
 

I hadn’t thought the second tab might be a replacement for that, but it would make sense.  
 

 

[prairiewindmomma]

I think the goal should be self control/governance not elimination. 
 

If she is using Reddit, it sounds like she is looking for community. Are her social needs being met?

If she’s seeking information about inappropriate topics, why is that? Are those things being educated about at home? 
 

If she’s having a hard time with time management, how is total elimination going to support that? Would she be better served with work on time awareness and task management? 
 

If she’s 13, she’s got 5 years to really master self governance, and realistically, fewer years if she takes a job or the like. I’d give some serious thought as to how to reach the end goal you want for her, which may include building community, using time well, and using discernment when online. You are doing her no favors if you keep her offline until she leaves the nest and she has to learn how to manage study and work and free time as a college freshman. 

For school, we do a mix of books only and internet. The key has been working on EF skills. Pacing, fidgeting, mind wandering, etc.—-we are working on how to deal with the natural ebbs and flows of concentration we all have.

[ScoutTN]

11 hours ago, vonfirmath said:

We discovered with my son that he had learned to use the Private browsing ability on browsers to make his history "Seem" clear -- but he was still accessing inappropriate stuff. 

If you are using Chrome or Edge, there are ways to permanently disable Incognito or untraceable browsing by changing registry code.

[HomeAgain]

21 hours ago, prairiewindmomma said:

I think the goal should be self control/governance not elimination. 
 

If she is using Reddit, it sounds like she is looking for community. Are her social needs being met?

If she’s seeking information about inappropriate topics, why is that? Are those things being educated about at home? 
 

If she’s having a hard time with time management, how is total elimination going to support that? Would she be better served with work on time awareness and task management? 
 

If she’s 13, she’s got 5 years to really master self governance, and realistically, fewer years if she takes a job or the like. I’d give some serious thought as to how to reach the end goal you want for her, which may include building community, using time well, and using discernment when online. You are doing her no favors if you keep her offline until she leaves the nest and she has to learn how to manage study and work and free time as a college freshman. 

For school, we do a mix of books only and internet. The key has been working on EF skills. Pacing, fidgeting, mind wandering, etc.—-we are working on how to deal with the natural ebbs and flows of concentration we all have.

I agree here.

In our house, no computers are in bedrooms except for ds22's.  That's his personal space and he's an adult. However, there was a lot of emphasis on self-regulation and a lot of computer safety classes in his teens.    Computers, tablets, and phones are always in common areas for the rest of us, just like they were for him growing up.

Ds11 does not have heavy internet based school.  Some videos, some typing, a little bit of Prodigy or Duolingo.  Violin in the evenings. That's it. He has been taught an emphasis of work during work time, play during play.  There is time for both, but not at the same moment, and there are different teaching opportunities for each.

[bookbard]

We had a massive wake-up call about kids and computers this year. I ended up installing Qustodio across devices. I can see exactly what my kids are doing and put strict timings on them so they can't be accessed out of hours. We were definitely the parents who thought our kids were sensible and would know not to click on this or that . . . now we know better. I wish I'd done it a year ago. 

[ScoutTN]

1 hour ago, bookbard said:

We had a massive wake-up call about kids and computers this year. I ended up installing Qustodio across devices. I can see exactly what my kids are doing and put strict timings on them so they can't be accessed out of hours. We were definitely the parents who thought our kids were sensible and would know not to click on this or that . . . now we know better. I wish I'd done it a year ago. 

Yes, we have software bc we have a behind-the-curve kid in regards to maturity and impulse control. He is growing and gets more leeway over time, but he needs more scaffolding than some. SO easy to get into trouble and you cannot unsee things.

[Lecka]

I hope to be in a different place in 6 months for her, for sure.  I would like to be working on responsible use 6 months from now.

I am not sure what all has not been working for her, but we are trying to find out.  
 

She wants to homeschool and she is not complaining, the status quo is something she wants to change, too.

I think her school has been way too laptop-focused to work for her, but it already seems like common sense guidelines are going a long way.

I am not sure right now how much of an influence a peer group has been — we are getting away from a peer environment, too.  She is keeping up with one friend from school, intentionally, who has been a good friend to her.  She was in a group where some things were going on and two other girls she is not going to keep up with.  
 

There are a lot of unknowns!  
 

But I do think right now we will not do anything that needs a laptop, unless it is something we could do more together (like watch something on YouTube).  
 

But 6 months from now I would like to feel like it’s appropriate for that to change!

And I want to feel like she can manage things.  
 

Right now she’s not on that path (although it is already changing) but I think she could be on a good path in 6 months with the Internet.

 

I don’t really care why she was on Reddit if an innocent topic can have a gross meme posted to it.  That is the truth.  She can’t be on it right now.  I think she just heard about it and thought it seemed interesting, she seems a lot less mad about it than I thought she would be.  And I don’t think it’s because she is sneaking on it anyways — but I don’t actually know she is not.  

[Lecka]

I have been thinking about this — really here is what I am thinking:  my mom was a teacher for 20 years and has always told me her secret to classroom management was to start on the stricter side until routines were in place and she knew the students.  Then she could relax everything.  
 

I want to set an expectation that Internet use is going to be different with homeschool than what she has been used to at school.  
 

But I do also want things to be more relaxed, in a lot of ways, over time.  
 

We don’t know exactly what is going on with her, but she is a lot happier since we said she could homeschool, and the Internet is maybe not such a sticking point like I thought it might be?  Because I have already started setting more limits and there has been some complaining but not a lot of complaining.

 

She has seen a counselor for a first appointment, and we talked to him together for about 45 minutes and individually for about 20 minutes each (we got there early and he started our insurance ahead of the appointment, and then was able to just start early, but then ended at the original time).  
 

The counselor told me it seems like there is something wrong with school for her, because my daughter wants to homeschool, and (I guess?) didn’t bite on other things (like — she thought she had a normal amount of chores, she wasn’t really mad we took her for counseling).  
 

Anyway, I do think she is at-risk for some problematic Internet stuff and is used to more  unrestricted Internet access than I think works for her right now.  I think she has been unengaged at school for a lot of the school day and then just going on the Internet all the time.  
 

But I am thinking more that the problem is more about why she was unengaged, and she needs to be more engaged, and I think it’s not as much of an Internet problem. 
 

But I still want to have on the stricter side, but still common sense, Internet rules, and become less strict over time. 

 

She has also come to really dislike doing school on the laptop.  It has been way too much, and they keep not going back to normal because of the pandemic.  Even with in-person school it seems like there is a lot of glumness and staring at a laptop.  
 

All of a sudden she seemed extremely, scarily depressed, but she already doesn’t seem that way anymore.  She was already seeming better when she had the first counseling appointment which was about two weeks after that, but we had already agreed to homeschool (my daughter, my husband and I — it is my daughter’s first choice and strong preference).  It has all happened in about the past month, before that we kind-of knew she didn’t like school but we didn’t know how bad it was.  Or something happened.  
 

We know of one thing that is very upsetting and enough we immediately were looking at making a big change, but it is also something that some kids her age could handle, but it’s not something where we think we should try to make her deal with it when she is not someone who can handle it right now and shouldn’t even be in that position.  In other words, we don’t feel like we are pulling her out of a horrible school, we think something about it is just totally not working for her, but we don’t know what the root problem is at all.  
 

 

[Janeway]

My 17 yr old is completely without all internet and phone. He needed a detox. It led to the point where it was causing serious mental health problems and he’s actually in a special program. It’s not inpatient but it’s residential. my one sister is a high school counselor and she actually called me about a year or two ago or whenever it was to let me know that they made Internet addiction an official diagnosis in the new DSM. I think you would do well to just completely remove her from all technology and if she absolutely must have a phone to reach you because she is out somewhere then shut it down completely so can only be used for talking.

[alisoncooks]

@Lecka - this thread has been timely. We recently had a similar moment of awakening with younger dd and an internet problem. We’re looking into making some major changes regarding devices and usage and time management — all in an attempt to create healthier habits and help with some anxiety/depression. (We’re also looking for a counselor.)

Anyway, no advice but a commiseration. It’s hard. 

[Hilltopmom]

Don’t know if these will be helpful but there are resources available- 

Glow Kids: How Screen Addiction Is Hijacking Our Kids - and How to Break the Trance https://www.amazon.com/dp/1250146550/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_glt_fabc_KCSAXZ0SSWBR4B7TY5HP

The Art of Screen Time: How Your Family Can Balance Digital Media and Real Life https://www.amazon.com/dp/1610396723/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_glt_fabc_N7QFDEJG4JCTTW8NXWGP
 

Raising Humans in a Digital World: Helping Kids Build a Healthy Relationship with Technology https://www.amazon.com/dp/0814439799/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_glt_fabc_PT6YP8D2MQE8HMEQ7S4R?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1
 

Screenwise https://www.amazon.com/dp/1629561452/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_glt_fabc_Q4PFHTM6MADNMBP04G5R?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1
 

 

[BlsdMama]

@Lecka - I think you have a better grasp on this than you realize. We’ve struggled off and on with internet, which is to happen frankly as we have 3 grown and flown and four current teens. The issues have varied but I think it is foolish to believe online time doesn’t have to be intentionally planned and taught. Some of mine are very utilitarian - it’s a source of info if/when needed. Others get sucked in. 
 

I think you’re on the right track when you say starting with more rules and limits makes it easier later to relax those limits as the child gains maturity, wisdom, and impulse control. 
 

I wish I’d been proactive and foreseen issues before they occurred rather than understanding we had a problem later in the game. 

[ScoutTN]

And it’s fine if your kid needs different parameters than what others do or suggest. Go with your mom instinct on this.

[Lecka]

I came back to update…

It looks like now there was some kind of social or bullying issue at school, combined with a lack of engagement — I don’t think the Internet was a cause as much as a symptom at this point.

Right now on weekdays she gets an Internet break after her math is completed and corrected.  

Then she does get Internet time in the evenings in the family room.  We can have an idea what she is doing — it has been chatting or playing Roblox with two girls known to us.

For the way our house is set up and the fact we don’t have a landline…….

She is allowed to be in her room with the door shut, doing voice chat, while playing Roblox with the two girls known to us.  We can tell that is what she is doing while she can also have some privacy.

Everything that she has ever used to get on the Internet goes on my bedside table when I go to bed.  

Right now this seems to be working well!

Nothing school related is on the Internet, unless it is a video or podcast in the family room or kitchen.  Nothing school related involves her sitting in her room with a laptop.

Right now I don’t see that changing in the Fall, but we will see.