Farrar Posted December 4, 2021 Share Posted December 4, 2021 My brother is irrational and nothing we do can ever be right. We are only marginally in touch. He has two cute little boys - 5 yo and almost 4 yo. Should I... a) send a card, nothing else b) send the boys a little something c) send nothing No matter what I do it will be bad. "You didn't even send a card for Christmas!" "So rude to send a gift for the boys that we didn't need!" "That picture book was offensive!" "That card message was so offensive. Who sends that!" With that in mind... 2 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bolt. Posted December 4, 2021 Share Posted December 4, 2021 Either a or b -- depending on... - How well you know the boys and how well they know you. (Would they recognize and remember your name as a gift giver?) - How much you care about them, really, as individual little persons, not as their roles (people you are related to) or as extensions of your relationship with your brother. - How much they might or might not be needing things (and not always getting them) or wanting things (that would enrich their lives). 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bibiche Posted December 4, 2021 Share Posted December 4, 2021 Can you send it from cousins to cousins, thus avoiding an interaction with your brother altogether? 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Katy Posted December 4, 2021 Share Posted December 4, 2021 I’d send the boys something. It’s not their fault that their dad is the way he is. 11 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
prairiewindmomma Posted December 4, 2021 Share Posted December 4, 2021 Send a card, put the money you would have spent into an envelope and start stacking cash for them for when they turn 18 and move out. Odds are they will be ready to run at that point and you can explain then that you have a difficult relationship with your brother but wish the best for them. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Farrar Posted December 4, 2021 Author Share Posted December 4, 2021 They're fine financially. No real needs. We don't know the boys that well. They're so little and we haven't seen them since the summer before Covid. I don't actually assume that the kids will flee when they get older. He's a good dad. Their mom is a good mom. He's just deeply irrational with my mom and me. Yes, obviously that doesn't come from nothing so who knows. But it's not like I need to stockpile for them to one day flee a crazy parent. It's just... a bad situation for us. Definitely agree it's not their fault. But also, they're so little. They barely know who we are at this point, I'm sure. And like I said, I've love to send them a little book each or something, but it's not like they're wanting for anything. They attend a ritzy private school. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spryte Posted December 4, 2021 Share Posted December 4, 2021 I would opt for sending a card and a little something. But I’m no expert, my FOO is a mess. 🤣 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harriet Vane Posted December 4, 2021 Share Posted December 4, 2021 Send a card with a little something for the boys. It's true they don't know you, but that little something will put a smile on their faces. Each year they will be happy to hear from you. As they get older they'll joke with each other as brothers about it. When they hang out with you someday, they'll be delighted to get to know the kind aunt who always sent them a little something. (My kids have a kind adopted aunt who did this. Though she lives quite a distance from us and they've only met her three times, they love her.) 10 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BusyMom5 Posted December 4, 2021 Share Posted December 4, 2021 I'd send the kids gifts. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
prairiewindmomma Posted December 4, 2021 Share Posted December 4, 2021 19 minutes ago, Farrar said: They're fine financially. No real needs. We don't know the boys that well. They're so little and we haven't seen them since the summer before Covid. I don't actually assume that the kids will flee when they get older. He's a good dad. Their mom is a good mom. He's just deeply irrational with my mom and me. Yes, obviously that doesn't come from nothing so who knows. But it's not like I need to stockpile for them to one day flee a crazy parent. It's just... a bad situation for us. Definitely agree it's not their fault. But also, they're so little. They barely know who we are at this point, I'm sure. And like I said, I've love to send them a little book each or something, but it's not like they're wanting for anything. They attend a ritzy private school. In my family dynamic I have a family who could be described as rich and who have given their kids a posh life. Also, those same parents will cut those kids off without a penny if they ever don’t completely bow to their parents’ wishes as to where to go to university, where to go to church, and so on. I don’t think money will solve having to be self sufficient—it’s a good will gesture. I don’t know if your situation is parallel—just wanted to flesh out the details a bit more as to why that was my recommendation. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
theelfqueen Posted December 4, 2021 Share Posted December 4, 2021 (edited) Send a fruit bouquet ... who can be too offended by fruit? I mean he could but seriously. How offensive can star shaped cantaloupe be? Edited December 4, 2021 by theelfqueen 1 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Farrar Posted December 4, 2021 Author Share Posted December 4, 2021 Just now, theelfqueen said: Send a fruit bouquet ... who can be too offended by fruit? I mean he could but seriously. Oh, I can think of a million ways. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
theelfqueen Posted December 4, 2021 Share Posted December 4, 2021 Just now, Farrar said: Oh, I can think of a million ways. Yeah well he's a pain in the ass. 2 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Farrar Posted December 4, 2021 Author Share Posted December 4, 2021 4 minutes ago, prairiewindmomma said: In my family dynamic I have a family who could be described as rich and who have given their kids a posh life. Also, those same parents will cut those kids off without a penny if they ever don’t completely bow to their parents’ wishes as to where to go to university, where to go to church, and so on. I don’t think money will solve having to be self sufficient—it’s a good will gesture. I don’t know if your situation is parallel—just wanted to flesh out the details a bit more as to why that was my recommendation. Probably not, luckily. I mean, you never know. But we'll see. I see some very different potential issues, but I hope I'm wrong. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Farrar Posted December 4, 2021 Author Share Posted December 4, 2021 Just now, theelfqueen said: Yeah well he's a pain in the ass. Oh such a pain. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sassenach Posted December 4, 2021 Share Posted December 4, 2021 I'd send them something that you are genuinely happy to send them. You have boys. Just pretend it's an Angel Tree situation or something. The great thing about knowing that your brother will react badly no matter what is that it liberates you from trying to please him. 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tap Posted December 4, 2021 Share Posted December 4, 2021 If the kids needs are met and they have plenty of money for incidentals, I would send a card. Adding a gift, just adds complications. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Miss Tick Posted December 4, 2021 Share Posted December 4, 2021 Make it a GLITTER card, in for a penny and all that 1 16 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted December 4, 2021 Share Posted December 4, 2021 Is he married? If you want to have a relationship with the boys, I would work on having a relationship with their mother. I would send them a little something if you're sure they will actually receive it. - figits are always fun. My grandson goes nuts over small trains/cars/etc. carries them all over. micro machine goes to bed with him . . . (he has more than enough "stuff". more. than. enough.) 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Slache Posted December 4, 2021 Share Posted December 4, 2021 I say card and boys. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shoeless Posted December 4, 2021 Share Posted December 4, 2021 Send something. My step-mother was like your brother in many ways. Send the gifts to the boys. It may feel strange to send something now, but it will matter many years from now. They will remember. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Clarita Posted December 4, 2021 Share Posted December 4, 2021 I'd say 'a', but have your kids choose/make the card(s) and then explicitly tell the parents in a note in the card that your kids picked the whole thing out. If he has unkind things to say about the whole thing make him say it to his nieces/nephews. You mentioned he's a good dad, so I'm going to suppose he's a good uncle and he won't be rude to your kids. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Farrar Posted December 4, 2021 Author Share Posted December 4, 2021 Okay, thanks for these thoughts, everyone. I think I'm going to send the kids each their own card, maybe with Christmas stickers, temporary tattoos, and balloons so it's extra fun to open. And I'll pretend like we're Christmas card people and send the parents a card too. We're not Christmas card people, but I can fake it. 11 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SKL Posted December 4, 2021 Share Posted December 4, 2021 I'd send a card and a couple of little gift items and an Amazon gift card so the folks can buy the kids what they think best. 🙂 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BlsdMama Posted December 4, 2021 Share Posted December 4, 2021 18 hours ago, Farrar said: My brother is irrational and nothing we do can ever be right. We are only marginally in touch. He has two cute little boys - 5 yo and almost 4 yo. Should I... a) send a card, nothing else b) send the boys a little something c) send nothing No matter what I do it will be bad. "You didn't even send a card for Christmas!" "So rude to send a gift for the boys that we didn't need!" "That picture book was offensive!" "That card message was so offensive. Who sends that!" With that in mind... Wow. I have no words. I guess the question is how will you feel about whichever choice after the fact? Taking pleasing him off the table, what choice works for you? Because any choice is going to receive criticism. Sigh. I’m sorry you deal with this. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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