Update on my family of origin issues

[popmom]

Here is a link to original thread. I didn't want to bump an old thread.

I have been seeing my counselor every other week since I last posted. My aunt passed away, and I did attend the funeral. 

My mother was civil at the funeral. Last week she asked me to bring my dog over for a playdate with her dog. I decided to go. It did not go well. She got ragey with me, so I picked up my dog and said, "well, it's time to go." She followed me outside and continued the barrage, Dropping f bombs. If any of her neighbors were outside, they certainly got an earful. She texted me a very long message later that day. At some point I remember her saying, "Well, are you coming to T'giving???" Um, really? That part was actually comical.

I showed my counselor the text. Her response was, "you know how I told you Borderline is a spectrum? Your mom is at the extreme, severe far end of that spectrum." It's been my normal for 50 years. I'm finally able to call it what it is: abuse.

So I'm moving from low contact to no contact. She helped me come up with a "PR statement" to send to my family letting them know we would not be celebrating the holidays with them. I sent it out as a group text to my parents and siblings. I never, ever though I could do this. I was too scared before. 

Interestingly, I used to think going no contact was taking the easy way out. There has been NOTHING easy about this. I'm grieving right now. It's really difficult to not be able to explain myself or defend myself. No regrets though. I can trust God with this. All of it. 

[Rosie_0801]

Easy and wrong are not synonyms anyway.

Good for you. ❤️

It is hard not to be able to explain and defend yourself, but look at it the other way around. Now you don't have to be bothered trying to explain or defend yourself! There's one hassle you don't have any more. Woohoo!

[Alicia64]

My heart goes out to you. I had to go no-contact, I agree it's incredibly difficult.

After seven years, we're back to the occasional phone call but only b/c 1) I live 3,000 miles away from them and 2) my mom has Alzheimer's and is not doing well. My dad is taking care of her.

Still, I love every one of those 3,000 miles. I highly recommend moving.

Your therapist sounds great.

Hang in there.

[popmom]

1 minute ago, Rosie_0801 said:

Easy and wrong are not synonyms anyway.

Good for you. ❤️

It is hard not to be able to explain and defend yourself, but look at it the other way around. Now you don't have to be bothered trying to explain or defend yourself! There's one hassle you don't have any more. Woohoo!

so true!

[popmom]

Just now, Alicia64 said:

My heart goes out to you. I had to go no-contact, I agree it's incredibly difficult.

After seven years, we're back to the occasional phone call but only b/c 1) I live 3,000 miles away from them and 2) my mom has Alzheimer's and is not doing well. My dad is taking care of her.

Still, I love every one of those 3,000 miles. I highly recommend moving.

Your therapist sounds great.

Hang in there.

We actually are considering moving. My parents only live a few miles away. I've been driving out of my way to grocery shop because I'm scared I might run into her.

[prairiewindmomma]

I am so glad for you that you have such an excellent and supportive therapist. Best wishes!!

[Alicia64]

39 minutes ago, popmom said:

We actually are considering moving. My parents only live a few miles away. I've been driving out of my way to grocery shop because I'm scared I might run into her.

Moving was the best thing we ever did for so many reasons, but definitely for the crazy-parents reason.

♥♥♥

[Slache]

We had to move when my first was born. I have so many stories.

I've been NC with my mom for 5 years and MIL for almost 1 year. It's painful, but so very freeing.

When I get raged at I say "This exact behavior. This is the problem."

Hugs.

[Katy]

When I went no contact for a while with a mild-end of the spectrum family member after an outrageous and similar incident I had a few family members try to minimize what happened and tell me I was over-reacting and encourage me to end the shutout.  I did not, for several years.  I could then, very cautiously, restart the relationship with some clear boundaries.

It took 20 years for this person to focus her ire on the spouses of the defensive family members as the source of her rage.  Both have since apologized and said they’d had no idea how bad it could get.  One specifically thought I was being dramatic and outrageous when I called it borderline personality disorder behavior, until it was focused on her husband. Then it was obviously BPD. 

Remember that when family members try to shame you back into taking the abuse. 

[gardenmom5]

1 hour ago, popmom said:

H "Well, are you coming to T'giving???"

It's really difficult to not be able to explain myself or defend myself. No regrets though. I can trust God with this. All of it. 

Bless her heart.  They are so clueless.

yes- it's hard to not be able to defend yourself.  but . . . . you can't teach a pig to sing.  Trying to defend yourself is a waste of breath and a pointless effort as there is absolutely nothing you can say that would enable such a person to see another person's point of view.  (OR their supporters.  Their supporters like where they're at, and to admit reality, exposes their very shaky foundation.)

I'm sorry you have to do this - ultimately, you have your self-respect.   

Edited November 12, 2021 by gardenmom5

[Hen]

I'm sorry you had to do this, but also glad for you. Your holidays will be so much more relaxed. 

[Faith-manor]

1 hour ago, popmom said:

We actually are considering moving. My parents only live a few miles away. I've been driving out of my way to grocery shop because I'm scared I might run into her.

I am so sorry for what you have goner through and know how hard this can be. I just want to encourage you about moving. The very best thing dh and I did in our marriage was to move 2400 miles from his father. That distance and a time of no contact forced fil to accept boundaries and as a result dh was eventually able to see his dad before he died.

If you are able to put that distance between you, it will take a load off, a huge burden lifted. I can totally relate to shopping out of zone to avoid the toxic relative. 

Today was a victory for you. But it doesn't feel like it necessarily. Be kind to yourself.

[Not_a_Number]

1 hour ago, Katy said:

 I could then, very cautiously, restart the relationship with some clear boundaries.

I also found that taking a no contact break allowed for the relationship to be restarted on my terms. I'm not saying that everyone NEEDS to do this -- just that going no contact and THEN low contact worked far better for me. There's too much continuity in simply fading into low contact and that doesn't renegotiate the relationship enough. 

[footballmom]

Hugs to you, OP.  It isn’t easy but it’s better than betraying yourself on the regular.  I’m LC with my family.  I know the blow back will be hitting again soon when we spend thanksgiving with DH’s family.  Sorry, family, that I prefer pecan pie over toxic stew for dinner.

[popmom]

3 hours ago, Slache said:

 

When I get raged at I say "This exact behavior. This is the problem."

Hugs.

This is good. That’s what she wants to know. “What egregious thing did I do to deserve this cruelty???” (Ummm how much time do you have, Mom? Do you want this in bullet points or essay form? —-my brain’s knee jerk response)
 

I’ll remember what you said in case I am ever inadvertently put in the line of fire again. 
 

Edited November 12, 2021 by popmom

[Slache]

23 minutes ago, popmom said:

This is good. That’s what she wants to know. “What egregious thing did I do to deserve this cruelty???” (Ummm how much time do you have, Mom? Do you want this in bullet points or essay form? —-my brain’s knee jerk response)
 

I’ll remember what you said in case I am ever inadvertently put in the line of fire again. 
 

She knows exactly what she did, and how unacceptable it is. If not she would do it to everyone, but she saves it for a special few. Don't you feel special?

If you explained it she would lie, justify or gaslight. The Narcissist's Prayer:

That didn't happen.
And if it did, it wasn't that bad.
And if it was, that's not a big deal.
And if it is, that's not my fault.
And if it was, I didn't mean it.
And if I did, you deserved it.

[popmom]

48 minutes ago, Slache said:

She knows exactly what she did, and how unacceptable it is. If not she would do it to everyone, but she saves it for a special few. Don't you feel special?

If you explained it she would lie, justify or gaslight. The Narcissist's Prayer:

That didn't happen.
And if it did, it wasn't that bad.
And if it was, that's not a big deal.
And if it is, that's not my fault.
And if it was, I didn't mean it.
And if I did, you deserved it.

Exactly.

[sheryl]

14 hours ago, popmom said:

Here is a link to original thread. I didn't want to bump an old thread.

I have been seeing my counselor every other week since I last posted. My aunt passed away, and I did attend the funeral. 

My mother was civil at the funeral. Last week she asked me to bring my dog over for a playdate with her dog. I decided to go. It did not go well. She got ragey with me, so I picked up my dog and said, "well, it's time to go." She followed me outside and continued the barrage, Dropping f bombs. If any of her neighbors were outside, they certainly got an earful. She texted me a very long message later that day. At some point I remember her saying, "Well, are you coming to T'giving???" Um, really? That part was actually comical.

I showed my counselor the text. Her response was, "you know how I told you Borderline is a spectrum? Your mom is at the extreme, severe far end of that spectrum." It's been my normal for 50 years. I'm finally able to call it what it is: abuse.

So I'm moving from low contact to no contact. She helped me come up with a "PR statement" to send to my family letting them know we would not be celebrating the holidays with them. I sent it out as a group text to my parents and siblings. I never, ever though I could do this. I was too scared before. 

Interestingly, I used to think going no contact was taking the easy way out. There has been NOTHING easy about this. I'm grieving right now. It's really difficult to not be able to explain myself or defend myself. No regrets though. I can trust God with this. All of it. 

Well, popmom, I'm just so sorry!  Do you know much about her upbringing?  Her childhood?  The more I talk with people the more I hear of everyone being faced with issues - great or small.  Now that is "not" an excuse for her behavior but a "reason".  IF she grew up in a dysfunctional family, are there issues that hold her in bondage?  I mean, are there issues from which she needs freedom?  Emotionally, psychologically, spiritually?  Other?  

It does seem she has some psychological issue/s?  From where?  When?  Unfortunately, you are the pin cushion.  It may be for a season.  Or, longer.  That person (your Mom) has to "want" help and victory because they have a change of heart with new revelation that they are a bigger part of the problem who needs help.  Hopefully she can look within to deal with her issues.  

[Ellie]

((((popmom)))) I'm so sorry. 😞

[Kassia]

I am sorry you are going through this and hope you feel a huge sense of relief eventually as you process everything.  I was estranged from my mother and it made such a positive difference in my life and also for my family since she would upset me so much that it affected them.

[OH_Homeschooler]

I have also gone no contact with my mom recently. I understand the need to defend, but I am also realizing that whenever I tried that before it got me nowhere and led to more drama. I am actually relieved for the most part. I hope you find the holidays more relaxing this year. 

[catz]

The status quo is the easy way out.  Making a change for your health and wellbeing is hard.  I'm glad you found the strength to make the decision and I'm glad your mom put it all out there so there was no question.  Sending peace and hugs as you navigate the grief.  

[HS Mom in NC]

I'm so sorry you've been subjected to this for so long and are the one forced to make tough decisions.  I'm also so happy for you because this is the beginning of your life getting better and you deserve better.

I hope you're able to create holidays that truly refresh you and your family. When we had to make changes to our holidays due to circumstance (they weren't toxic family related) we took the approach of not trying to recreate a closer copy of the holiday celebration we weren't having, but went with a full departure from our usual so it would be an apples and oranges, no comparison version.  We went full Christmas Story and had Chinese food for Christmas and introduced fireworks as part of our celebration, both of which we'd never done before. It had the desired effect and the fireworks are now a Christmas staple even when celebrations are back to our more traditional version. 

One new Thanksgiving tradition I heard suggested was to buy your Christmas cards early and on Thanksgiving Day tell who you're thankful for and why, and write that down in a short message on the Christmas card to the person you're saying it about. (You don't have to do it for everyone on your Christmas card list or even have Christmas card list.) Everyone at the table can participate with their own. Mail them the next day. There are plenty of other ideas out there to add something special to your celebration to balance out the grief of needing to separate from those who should've been loving, respectful, and supportive of you.

[Jenny in Florida]

Going no-contact is not easy. Maintaining contact with challenging people is also not easy. I have tremendous respect and compassion for people who face this decision.

I went no-contact with my family of origin a couple of decades ago. It was both freeing and awful at the time, and I continue to feel repercussions in my life. However, as difficult as it has been, I believe making that break was the only way I was going to be able to live my life as a reasonably whole and functional person. All this time later, I can legitimately say that, while I grieve not having "a mother," I don't miss the one I had.

My bonus YA (son's ex-girlfriend who lives with us for another few months) went no-contact with her parents for a while after moving in with us, but has managed to reclaim a manageable relationship with them over the following couple of years. I'm extremely proud of her for being willing to keep engaging, even when it has been hard, and happy for her that it has worked out as well as it has. 

This hasn't been easy in any way for either of us, and neither decision puts an end to the pain and difficulty. As I always told my kids when they were little, every decision has consequences, so you have to choose the consequences you think you can live with.

I'm sorry you're in this position.

Edited November 12, 2021 by Jenny in Florida

[popmom]

8 hours ago, sheryl said:

Well, popmom, I'm just so sorry!  Do you know much about her upbringing?  Her childhood?  The more I talk with people the more I hear of everyone being faced with issues - great or small.  Now that is "not" an excuse for her behavior but a "reason".  IF she grew up in a dysfunctional family, are there issues that hold her in bondage?  I mean, are there issues from which she needs freedom?  Emotionally, psychologically, spiritually?  Other?  

It does seem she has some psychological issue/s?  From where?  When?  Unfortunately, you are the pin cushion.  It may be for a season.  Or, longer.  That person (your Mom) has to "want" help and victory because they have a change of heart with new revelation that they are a bigger part of the problem who needs help.  Hopefully she can look within to deal with her issues.  

She had signs of mental illness even as a child. Her parents were wonderful as far as I could tell. I never heard either of them say a harsh word to her. But my grandmother was seriously, chronically ill for my mother's whole childhood. My mother told me once that my grandparents took her to a psychologist due to her behaviors. The psychologist told my mom and grandmother that she had abandonment issues. My grandmother didn't understand, but I'm sure it was because her health was so fragile. My mother knew she could die at any time. So I believe my mom was born with this tendency, and my grandmother's illness triggered full blown mental illness. Fear of abandonment due to the trauma of not knowing how long her mother would be around. She has BPD. undiagnosed, of course.

[popmom]

I really appreciate all the support and kind words. And prayers are certainly appreciated, too. 

@HS Mom in NC I really like your suggestion about changing how we celebrate a bit. I think that's a great idea. 🙂