Young friend told me something--what to do with this information?

[plansrme]

Please don't quote!

It is a long story how she came to be my house guest, but I have an 18 yo international student (we'll call her A) living with me for a few weeks. I know her mom through WhatsApp and a couple of phone calls over the last six months or so because her son was my bonus (now he is my actual) exchange student. While driving home with A tonight, she told me she had recently been the victim of a sexual assault in her home country, by a friend (former friend) at a party. She told me this within blocks of my house, so I suggested we talk more tomorrow. She has not told her parents and felt she needed to tell an adult. She and I bonded over a trip to the ER this weekend, so I guess that made me a safe choice. Anyway, there are very good reasons not to tell her parents. Trust me on this one.

But--WHAT DO I DO WITH THIS INFORMATION? What do I tell her? I do not know details of the act and am fine not knowing. She won't be here long enough to go to counseling more than a few weeks.  Is that enough to help? I can encourage her to see someone in her home country when she goes back. I can tell her mom that she needs to see a therapist and not tell the mom why, maybe? I've never been in anything like this position and honestly have no idea. 

Last weekend, I was sitting at a Mexican restaurant, perusing the margarita menu even though I almost never drink, while texting a friend that I'd managed to raise three children to almost-grown without becoming a raging alcoholic, but that the drama from my little group of international students was making me rethink that path. Since then, I've acquired an additional student, spent hours in the ER with his sister, and been confided in about a sexual assault. Not to make it all about me, but man, it has been a week. 

Edited March 24, 2021 by plansrme

[BusyMom5]

At the very least, you should listen.  I would push for STD testing if she is open to that.  Hopefully by your listening snd encouraging her, she will pursue help once home.  I would not tell anyone else, including parents.

[Spryte]

If you say there are reasons not to tell her parents, I believe you.  Don’t tell them.  

I would find a therapist for her here, for a few weeks, and hopefully they can strategize what to do when she gets home. There is probably a local sexual assault group you can call, or just start with a therapist and they can direct you.

I would listen a lot, and be available for her to talk.  

And - how recent was this? I would consider offering to help her get to a doc for preventative STD treatment and testing, along with a pregnancy test. 

I’m so sorry.

And you deserve an extra margarita.

Edited March 24, 2021 by Spryte

[katilac]

If the parents aren't a safe choice for sharing this information, then I wouldn't consider it a good idea to tell them she needs therapy but not tell them why. I'd definitely not do it unless the student actively wants you to do so. 

She's young, but she is an adult. All you can do is encourage her and give her information. I wouldn't discount therapy here just because it would only be for a few weeks, but it might be complicated with money/insurance. 

Sometimes, all we can do is listen and empathize. 

 

[Ausmumof3]

Not an expert but I would think - try to get counseling even if it’s short.  If it was recent get a medical check up.  If you feel you can do it safely I would try to keep a record of what you’ve been told.  If she decides to try for a conviction at some point in time that may be important.  

[mommyoffive]

Oh wow, that is a lot to take in.  I think having her talk to a therapist as long as she is here is a great thing.  Maybe it will get the ball rolling on her finding help when she goes home.   Maybe a support group would be a good thing too.

Be her support right now.  Listen as much as she wants and needs.  

Getting her tested for STDs would be a good thing for her to do.

I am sorry that she was assaulted.  Sending some prayers and hugs her way.

[Starr]

There's good advice above.  You are a blessing to these young folk but what a week is right! Hugs to you.

[PeterPan]

She needs a counselor who specializes in s*xual assualt because there are techniques like EMDR that are specialized to it. If she begins now, she could continue via tele when she goes home. No personal experience, so that's the extent of my knowledge. But you definitely don't want random counselors. 

[TravelingChris]

I alsi think even a short bout of counseling w experienced counselor w sexual abuse expertice would be helpful.  Even more importantly, if it was rape and any othet assault sge coukc have gotten an STD, thst is even mire urgent.  Because if the parents can't know about a sexual attack,  having an STD could be very dangerous - to her health both reproductive and otherwise, and depending in what country and culture, sometimes it is a danger to s woman's life too.

 

[SKL]

I am wondering how she is going to be safe from another assault when she goes back.  In addition to above suggestions, can you find a one-day self-defense course for women?  They are often hosted for free by the police / hospital system.

[Jaybee]

I agree with others that I would not tell the mother she needs therapy. I would do as much as possible to help her before she goes home. It might be that her home country does not have good therapy options, or that she might not be able to access them easily. Medical exam (with a female OBGYN), any therapy sessions that could be worked in (with a female), and any books that might be helpful (with the awareness that she might not be able to take them home).

[plansrme]

9 hours ago, PeterPan said:

She needs a counselor who specializes in s*xual assualt because there are techniques like EMDR that are specialized to it. If she begins now, she could continue via tele when she goes home. No personal experience, so that's the extent of my knowledge. But you definitely don't want random counselors. 

Thank you for this suggestion. I will definitely pursue it, or encourage her to do so.

9 hours ago, TravelingChris said:

I alsi think even a short bout of counseling w experienced counselor w sexual abuse expertice would be helpful.  Even more importantly, if it was rape and any othet assault sge coukc have gotten an STD, thst is even mire urgent.  Because if the parents can't know about a sexual attack,  having an STD could be very dangerous - to her health both reproductive and otherwise, and depending in what country and culture, sometimes it is a danger to s woman's life too.

 

I had not even thought about STDs. She is not pregnant. But the STD issue is a good thing to bring up to her. In the few minutes we had last night, I did not want the first thing out of my mouth to be asking for more details. But this is a great point--someone needs to know whether STD testing is necessary. Not me, necessarily, but I will talk to her about it. 

Thank you all for your input. I told my husband last night that I had literally no idea what to do with this information or who to ask. This has been very helpful.

[plansrme]

2 hours ago, Dreamergal said:

I highly recommend both the therapist and a trip to the gynecologist. In many countries, the first trip to a gynecologist is often when you are pregnant with your first child and most often it is in a married scenario. If she comes from a place where underage sex of any kind, consensual or non-consensual  is frowned upon, all the more reason she needs that safe place. 

Thank you for being so kind and really being there. I do not have horror stories like this mercifully, but I was that person alone in a new country and it made all the difference to me when parents of my friends were more than just that. They genuinely cared for my welfare and helped me navigate life as a young adult. It made a difference to me  and they are surrogate grandparents to my children even today. Your impact is more than you know especially in this case. 

Thank you for that perspective. I really love this bunch of kids and what they bring to our lives, so when I told one this weekend that I do things for them out of love and not obligation, I completely meant it. But of course I do hope they look back on me with fondness many years down the road!

[Garga]

14 hours ago, Ausmumof3 said:

Not an expert but I would think - try to get counseling even if it’s short.  If it was recent get a medical check up.  If you feel you can do it safely I would try to keep a record of what you’ve been told.  If she decides to try for a conviction at some point in time that may be important.  

I agree with making a record. There have been high-profile assault cases and the first thing people say is, “Well why didn’t you tell anyone at the time?” Even if she doesn’t tell anyone in authority, having a record that she told someone helps her build a case that something did happen.

Perhaps send yourself an email with a date/time stamp on it and put that email in its own folder? I’m trying to think of some way to prove that she told you now about it. Or write it up and get a notary to stamp it with their time/date stamp. They won’t read the document. A notary just checks that you are who you say you are, you sign the document in their presence, to prove that you are the correct person signing the document, and they put stamp on it with their information and the date.  Then, you keep the document somewhere safe.

Tell her that IF she ever needs you to confirm that she told you about what happened, that you’re willing to confirm that she told you what happened. If you don’t tell her, you could do all the work of keeping a record, but she won’t know to come back to you for confirmation in the future. 

Edited March 24, 2021 by Garga

[Kassia]

OP, you got great advice above.  I didn't see anyone recommend your county mental health services if that is an option for you.  Ours is a good resource.  

 

[Pippen]

If she decides to seek medical help and/or counseling, talk through in advance how to handle billing, listing of her address and contact info, etc. in order to protect her privacy.

[Jaybee]

Also, if she is willing to see a doctor, explain carefully what you expect would be done, so she isn't caught by surprise. As Dreamergal said above, she may have no idea what an exam like that entails, and it might cause more trauma if she is unprepared.

[City Mouse]

I wonder if one of those online therapy companies would work in her own country. That might be something that she could continue at home without her parents having to know about it.

[wathe]

Call your local sexual assault support centre, tell them what you've posted here, and ask them what's available and what they would recommend.  Then you can provide your young friend with choices and support.