Difficult decision regarding my job

[Night Elf]

So yesterday my manager texts all employees in a group chat asking who will be returning to work when the store reopens. Our shelter in place is only through the 30th. At first I said I was but that my schedule was going to be drastically reduced because I'm still in my ED treatment program which meets every day 10:30 - 2:30 pm. So I can only work 3:00 - 6:00 on weekdays and take Wednesday off. Then I can work all day Saturday.

Then I talked to DH who seemed uneasy about me returning to work at this time. He is worried the virus hasn't peaked yet. He said if I do go back he wants me to wear a mask and gloves but that he'd prefer if I didn't go back at all.

So I texted my manager again and told her I wasn't ready to come back within the next 2 weeks and didn't know when I would. I asked her how she wasn't scared and she texted back some numbers that make the virus look like it's not a really big deal. But it is a big deal to us. If I go back, I'm not only putting myself at risk, I'm putting my family at risk. There is NO way we can do social distancing in my thrift store. The clothing aisles are too tight and the rest of the store, while opens, has furniture packed in so really the pathway is just around the furniture. The kitchen and linen areas are small. If one were to practice social distancing, you could only have 1 person in each area at a time.

My job is as cashier. I've got a counter between me and the customer but there won't be any type of plexiglass installed. If social distancing were practiced, we could have 1 customer at the register with me and 1 at the end of the counter waiting their turn. The rest of the customers would be backed up into the store. Now, there is no way I can be 6 feet away from a customer. So yes, I'd have to wear a mask and gloves. And I only have a cloth mask which is really no real protection from the virus.

So... I'm basically quitting my job. I can't  guarantee her when I'll feel ready to return. I'm also uncertain what is going to happen when my ED treatment center reopens. I could possibly be doing a combination of morning and afternoon sessions. I could work around them though. My manager already knows about that.

Would you return? I'm feeling terribly guilty about saying I'm not coming back. I don't want to let my manager down. She's my good friend and I'm afraid this is going to affect our relationship. I'm leaving her in a bad spot if I don't return, and we haven't heard from everyone so we don't know who else might not come back. If she has a skeleton crew, she'll have to hire people. Now, I could just stay home until I felt like I could work again and then ask her if she has a spot for me, but I'd be giving up my management position. She's certainly not going to rehire me as management if she has my spot filled and she'll need to fill it quickly. We need 3 management people. It's too hard with only 2. I'm trying to decide if I'm being overcautious and quitting is the wrong thing to do. Or if I'm not crazy in not wanting to put me and my family at risk by staying home.

WWYD?

[Rosie_0801]

This is business and if she can't separate that from your personal relationship, she doesn't deserve the guilt and worry you're feeling.

You should do whichever is least bad for your mental health.

[Bootsie]

In a situation like this, you have to make choices that are going to be best for you and your family.  Any good boss would not want you coming back to work in the situation if you are not comfortable doing so, and if the boss is your friend, I am sure that she will be understanding about that.  

Not that it is really your concern about what she will do if you don't come back, but she will have a number of options.  Many businesses are trying to sort things like this out.  There may be some employees who want to work more hours because of the hours they have lost or someone else their family has lost.  Being open fewer hours, or being closed one day a week for a while, may be options if there are fewer workers and fewer customers.

[PeterPan]

2 hours ago, Night Elf said:

If she has a skeleton crew, she'll have to hire people.

Why is this a problem??? Millions of people are unemployed. Someone will surely be glad for the job. 

I agree with the others to do what is best for your mental health. If she's a friend, she'll understand that. 

[mommyoffive]

If you are not comfortable doing it then don't go back.  You have to make the best choice for yourself and your family.  You are not crazy and you shouldn't feel any guilt about it at all.    I am surprised that the store doesn't have to follow any social distancing rules.   

[QueenCat]

If this position isn't right for you right now, quit. Don't worry about leaving a vacancy. Filling jobs like this one should be easy. What's most important is taking care of yourself. Since you've mentioned before that you don't have to have the income, just take care of you for now.

[MEmama]

You need to do what’s best for you, full stop. 
I understand feeling guilty and worried about losing a friendship over it. But a true friend wouldn’t hold this against you; she would want you to feel and be safe. 
It’s hard. All of this is hard. Please don’t let anyone guilt you into making it even harder. ((Hugs))

[Night Elf]

Ok, you're all agreeing with me and DH so maybe I'm not crazy. I texted her this morning and got a one word answer. Then I texted her and talked about whether or not to quit and she didn't respond. It seems she won't discuss that topic with me. I'll have to take my manager keys up to her when the store reopens. I expect to get comments from other employees. Maybe I'll take the keys to her before the store opens. She's been going in everyday and working on cleaning and painting and rearranging. But the 3rd member of our management team is there as well and we don't get along as well. So I dread seeing her. She'll have some smart alec, sarcastic comments for me, I'm sure.

[importswim]

It's so hard with this virus because different people are taking different approaches and it feels like if you're not taking the same one as the person you're speaking to then you're wrong. I say "feels like" because I think that's mostly a mental thing. It reads to me that you're concerned you're over-reacting and are worried that they're judging you for doing so. Like others have said there's no right or wrong way to deal with being personally comfortable.

Try not to read into her lack of response. She may just be busy and hasn't gotten to her text messages. If she's judging you then she's judging you and there's nothing you can do about it.

 I, personally, think that you're not over-reacting. It seems like you have a lot going on and taking care of yourself and your family is the best way to use up your limited energy at this time. That is not something to feel guilty over.

My recommendation would be to stop texting and subtly asking her permission to not come back (she's probably not going to give it). I'd probably call her because text is hard and you can convey emotion better on the phone or voicemail. If she's your friend she'll want what's best for you.

If you don't want the confrontation (though it really is best to just get it out there), I'd text her and say something  like: It's been hard for me to know whether to come back or not but after DH and I talked we've decided that it's best if I don't. I'm so sorry that I've been wishy-washy (If I'm reading correctly you've told her that you are coming back originally?), it's been a very hard decision for me.

Call or send the text before you drop the keys off then just go to the drop and try not to let it bother you. If they're rude or sarcastic try to ignore them and don't rise to the bait. Repeat in your head over and over again that you're doing what's best for you. Hugs to you!

[73349]

(((OP)))

Edited October 2, 2020 by Carolina Wren

[lmrich]

Pretty sure you are in Georgia. Our numbers are going up so according to the plan we should not be opening up... 

I would ask if you can take a leave of absence. Unless you have to go back to work now, I would not be willing to take the risk. 

[gardenmom5]

like Rosie said - this is business.  You have no reason to feel guilty for choosing to NOT put your family at risk!  

 

[Annie G]

We live in the same state and the governor doesn’t want businesses opening back up without adequate social distancing measures in place.  A plexiglass barrier for you as a cashier isn’t an unreasonable thing to expect.  If your boss thinks yesterday’s announcement means to reopen without protective measures, she’s wrong.  There should be a whole host of measures being taken, such as cleaning procedures, etc.   I would urge you not to quit just yet, but to keep asking what safeguards they will have in place.   But yes, I kind of think you might want to delay returning to work until you see what happens at your store/what happens when people start going out more.  Can you perhaps delay due to your ED program? I know you’ve already talked to your boss about quitting, but could you walk that back and say that you want to work but juggling the program and the job is too much right now?  You’ll lose any unemployment you’ re receiving, but it’s a small price to pay for your safety. 
The governor has a list of 20 conditions that must be met in order for the business to open safely. I’d make sure your boss has read and implemented the ones that pertain to your job. She might not even know about it, as a lot of folks just think it’s back to business as usual. 

Edited April 21, 2020 by Annie G

[Rosie_0801]

5 hours ago, Night Elf said:

Ok, you're all agreeing with me and DH so maybe I'm not crazy. I texted her this morning and got a one word answer. Then I texted her and talked about whether or not to quit and she didn't respond. It seems she won't discuss that topic with me. I'll have to take my manager keys up to her when the store reopens. I expect to get comments from other employees. Maybe I'll take the keys to her before the store opens. She's been going in everyday and working on cleaning and painting and rearranging. But the 3rd member of our management team is there as well and we don't get along as well. So I dread seeing her. She'll have some smart alec, sarcastic comments for me, I'm sure.

 

Well, it's not her job to play therapist and help you decide whether or not to quit. As for the smart alec, make sure you think of something rude to say to her in case she starts up. You could start with "Sod off, Love" and escalate from there. 😜

[marbel]

5 hours ago, Night Elf said:

Ok, you're all agreeing with me and DH so maybe I'm not crazy. I texted her this morning and got a one word answer. Then I texted her and talked about whether or not to quit and she didn't respond. It seems she won't discuss that topic with me. I'll have to take my manager keys up to her when the store reopens. I expect to get comments from other employees. Maybe I'll take the keys to her before the store opens. She's been going in everyday and working on cleaning and painting and rearranging. But the 3rd member of our management team is there as well and we don't get along as well. So I dread seeing her. She'll have some smart alec, sarcastic comments for me, I'm sure.

if I was a manager, and an employee wanted to discuss with me whether or not I should quit, I wouldn't want to discuss it either.  As Rosie said, it's not up to her to help you decide to return to work or not.  It puts a manager in a bad position, to be asked for quitting/not quitting advice.   You and she have to separate your friendship from your business relationship. That's hard to do, for sure. But you have to decide without her guidance if you are going to return to work or not.  And then she has to accept your decision and if you decide to quit, she has to fill her position. If she finds another manager and then you want to come back, it's not personal if she can't have you back at that level. Though maybe you could return at a lower level, and possibly become a manager again at some point if a position opened up.

Don't worry about what other employees may say to you. You are taking care of your and your family's health, mental and physical. Their needs may (most likely are) different from yours. 

I hope you feel comfortable with your decision!  

[SereneHome]

This is why I don't work with "friends" or become 'friends" with people I work with / for.

[Night Elf]

I don't know what the future holds but I do know I'm not going back when the store reopens. I can't get the manager to tell me anything so I don't know how many employees are going back. I'm just not going to worry about it. I'm super struggling with my ED right now and am failing big time at recovery. I've just got to take care of myself and stop worrying about the store. I don't know what my treatment center does with people who don't play by the rules but I'll probably find out by the end of this week when they realize I'm not following the rules. Ugh. I don't want to talk about it.

[gardenmom5]

3 minutes ago, Night Elf said:

I don't know what the future holds but I do know I'm not going back when the store reopens. I can't get the manager to tell me anything so I don't know how many employees are going back. I'm just not going to worry about it. I'm super struggling with my ED right now and am failing big time at recovery. I've just got to take care of myself and stop worrying about the store. I don't know what my treatment center does with people who don't play by the rules but I'll probably find out by the end of this week when they realize I'm not following the rules. Ugh. I don't want to talk about it.

that is. not. your. problem!  you need to take care of  yourself.

this has been stressful for everyone - to varying degrees.  (some it's mild, other's it's severe).  I would imagine part of your relapse with your recovery is the stress of all the changes forced by this pandemic.  they probably have others who are struggling more than they would have if there wasn't a lockdown.

[Pen]

I don’t think it likely that your place of work will be allowed to reopen on May 1 without better Distancing methods than you have described.  If your state even does open May 1. 

 

[mommyoffive]

Sending you lots of hugs.   Yep, take care of yourself.  You are the most important thing.  

[Chris in VA]

Said with the utmost gentleness--Part of the ED struggles I have are related to my need to control other's feelings about me; I have a great need for approval and to be liked. I could be totally off, but I am hearing some of the same anxieties in your posts.  I feel it is one of the hardest things for me. I hope you feel better about your decision. 

[Shoeless]

Don't bring the keys over. Send them in the mail. Or drop them off in her mailbox. Or leave them in an envelope on your porch and tell her "I left the keys for you at X place". 

If you don't need the income or benefits (?) from the job, then quit and turn in the keys in whatever way minimizes your personal risk and gives you the least amount of stress. 

[kiwik]

Tell her to outline in writing the procedures put in place to ensure safe distancing.  Offer to go and help put up a screen and make tape markings.  If she says she is not doing those things tell her you can't come back until she has met health and safety obligations.  If she fires you take her to court.  Or just tell her you need to put your health first tight now so you regretfully resign.  Courier the keys signature required.

[Night Elf]

I realized the way I worded the text, I told her I was not ready to return within 2 weeks, so I did not tell her I was quitting completely. I can't know what she's thinking because she won't respond to me. DH and I are just wondering how she's going to follow social distancing guidelines. I could try to ask her but she may not respond to me. She hasn't asked for the keys so I'm not going to worry about it yet.

I do consider her to be a friend, but at the same time she's trying to run a business. I'm an employee who will not be at my job when the store reopens. Now, if she's purposefully not responding to me, that's being childish. I can see her doing that because she's mad but I also think she could be doing it unconsciously. She told me she was getting private texts from other employees so she may be just trying to put together a plan and if I'm not going to be in it to start with, I'm not important to her at this time. Childish, yes. But to be honest, knowing her the way I do, she speaks her mind. She doesn't take crap off anyone. So if she's mad at you, she says something. So I'm just confused because I don't know what is going on with her.

I'm in a wait and see mode. I'll wait until we're really open and then make a decision. I can't know when all of this will get back to normal. We could be social distancing for a year. I can't postpone my job for that long. I've been struggling with working anyway so I'm not inclined to risk myself for a job that has been taking a toll on me. I'm mainly there to be with the people. All of the employees are wonderful and we mesh well. Well, except for one person but she's gotten better since her suspension. Anyway, I don't have an answer. I honestly don't yet know if I want to quit. She hasn't come out and asked me if I am quitting. So I'm going to wait and see what happens.

If I do quit, I will take the keys back. All I have to do is walk in the store, hand the envelope to the cashier and walk out. If she or the other manager are the cashier, I'll just hand the keys over and say I hope things are good and I'm sorry I won't be working there anymore. The one person I'm most worried about can be dealt with easily because I'm learning to stand up to her. I'll just tell her 'goodbye' and walk out. If it's the manager, I'll take my cue from her. If she doesn't say anything, then I won't either. This will be sometime in May probably.