Dealing with the perpetually offended

[klmama]

Someone I have to deal with regularly is easily offended, holds grudges, and expects preferential treatment.  Not doing what this person wants results in loud claims of mistreatment and self-righteous anger.  I'm done letting it get to me emotionally, but I've never known anyone like this before and I'm curious.  Is there a "good" way to handle this type of person?      

[Scarlett]

6 minutes ago, klmama said:

Someone I have to deal with regularly is easily offended, holds grudges, and expects preferential treatment.  Not doing what this person wants results in loud claims of mistreatment and self-righteous anger.  I'm done letting it get to me emotionally, but I've never known anyone like this before and I'm curious.  Is there a "good" way to handle this type of person?      

Deadpanning is a good skill to practice when someone like this is in your life.

[catz]

That is essentially gas lighting.  If at all possible, I avoid people like this.  People who do that kind of thing are often narcissists and honestly there is no changing that unless they wake up and decide they have flaws they are willing to work on.  

If there is someone like this I need to deal with, I shut down conversation if it turns this direction.  I usually keep some pat answers in my back pocket when gas lighting starts. 

[katilac]

Ignore their offended feelings and refuse to be drawn into a discussion of whether they were mistreated. 

When I worked in a Montessori school, I picked up a great phrase that acknowledges them without engaging or agreeing: That's unfortunate. It works on all ages! 

Ms. Karen wrote my name down and now I'm missing recess! That's unfortunate. 

I'm going to miss Thanksgiving and it's all your brother's fault! That's unfortunate. 

You invited Aunt Martha? You know I hate her! That's unfortunate. 

Sometimes people are aggressive about pursuing it and you have to be more aggressive about responding. 

Why did you invite someone I hate? I'm not going to talk about that. We can talk about something else or I can leave. 

Your brother is a selfish pig. I'm not going to listen to you talk about him that way. We can talk about something else or I can leave. 

I only make the suggestion to talk about something else once or twice. After that, they know the score and I simply walk away or hang up if they go there. 

 

[klmama]

41 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

Deadpanning is a good skill to practice when someone like this is in your life.

Sorry, I don't understand.  Could you please give me an example?

[Farrar]

I took Scarlett's comment to mean something sort of similar to what Katilac said as a first level response. Just going, "Oh, that's unfortunate," and, "You must be disappointed," and so forth in a monotone when they complain. I find that when people are melodramatic, that playing utterly straight and flat and unemotional is what both riles them up quickly and gets them to walk away from it quickly or - if they were just having a bad day, pull back and change. This person obviously isn't having a bad day, so, yeah. What they want is for everyone else to get riled up and emotional too so you just give them nothing to play against.

[Scarlett]

10 minutes ago, Farrar said:

I took Scarlett's comment to mean something sort of similar to what Katilac said as a first level response. Just going, "Oh, that's unfortunate," and, "You must be disappointed," and so forth in a monotone when they complain. I find that when people are melodramatic, that playing utterly straight and flat and unemotional is what both riles them up quickly and gets them to walk away from it quickly or - if they were just having a bad day, pull back and change. This person obviously isn't having a bad day, so, yeah. What they want is for everyone else to get riled up and emotional too so you just give them nothing to play against.

Yes, this.  Refuse to get sucked in.

[Jentrovert]

1 hour ago, klmama said:

Someone I have to deal with regularly is easily offended, holds grudges, and expects preferential treatment.  Not doing what this person wants results in loud claims of mistreatment and self-righteous anger.  I'm done letting it get to me emotionally, but I've never known anyone like this before and I'm curious.  Is there a "good" way to handle this type of person?      

I don't know if it's a good way, but the only way I've found to deal with people like this is to (1) make a noncommital acknowledgement of whatever they're griping about and (2) skedaddle asap. Sometimes, depending on the person, I can (1.5) redirect the conversation. This always means asking a question that allows them to talk about themselves, only a topic that's more neutral. I still try to proceed quickly to step 2.

I spent the first 30 years of my life in close contact with a number of people like this. Then the next 10 disengaging and distancing myself. I refuse to spend any more mental/emotional energy on it.

[klmama]

Thanks.  I've mostly tried to be noncommittal, which keeps me calm, but the person often escalates in response.  I've tried to gently reason with this person, but that doesn't work at all.  I can't usually walk away, but I haven't been good about redirecting the conversation, so that'll be my new experiment.   

[MEmama]

1 hour ago, katilac said:

Ignore their offended feelings and refuse to be drawn into a discussion of whether they were mistreated. 

When I worked in a Montessori school, I picked up a great phrase that acknowledges them without engaging or agreeing: That's unfortunate. It works on all ages! 

Ms. Karen wrote my name down and now I'm missing recess! That's unfortunate. 

I'm going to miss Thanksgiving and it's all your brother's fault! That's unfortunate. 

You invited Aunt Martha? You know I hate her! That's unfortunate. 

Sometimes people are aggressive about pursuing it and you have to be more aggressive about responding. 

Why did you invite someone I hate? I'm not going to talk about that. We can talk about something else or I can leave. 

Your brother is a selfish pig. I'm not going to listen to you talk about him that way. We can talk about something else or I can leave. 

I only make the suggestion to talk about something else once or twice. After that, they know the score and I simply walk away or hang up if they go there. 

 

I LOVE this.

“That’s unfortunate”. I’m totally going to use this all the time on people who exhaust me. 

[Scarlett]

1 minute ago, MEmama said:

I LOVE this.

“That’s unfortunate”. I’m totally going to use this all the time on people who exhaust me. 

Me too!

[HS Mom in NC]

I have a bipolar adult child, so I was dealing with huge swings of intense emotion and easy offense while diagnosis and meds were being worked out.  Scarlett is right, deadpanning is a great strategy. Monotone voice, neutral facial expressions, and neutral response is the only thing I've found that doesn't make it worse. Sometimes I don't say anything at all I just listen with a neutral facial expression.

I'm also going to add, "That's unfortunate" to my list of throw away lines.
"Well, there you are." When they say something you don't want to agree to.
"That's a lot." When they're doing their version of venting.

[gardenmom5]

research how to deal with narcissists.  there are different types, and you can find good advice on how to handle them - which varies by type.

[sassenach]

3 hours ago, FuzzyCatz said:

That is essentially gas lighting.  If at all possible, I avoid people like this.  People who do that kind of thing are often narcissists and honestly there is no changing that unless they wake up and decide they have flaws they are willing to work on.  

If there is someone like this I need to deal with, I shut down conversation if it turns this direction.  I usually keep some pat answers in my back pocket when gas lighting starts. 

I think you’re right that this is narcism but I don’t think it’s gaslighting. At least not my understanding of gaslighting. 

[Katy]

If they're really a narcissist you raise an eyebrow like they are the politician you most despise in the world, or a hormonal tween who needs a subtle dressing down about their attitude, and in a slightly condescending manner explain that OF COURSE you are not going to play their stupid game, they are a grown adult and if they're going to act like a self-absorbed hormonal teenager they're free to leave. Yes, it's rude, but they are being rude too. Narcissists really don't like being condescended to, and the least little bit of boundary will either make you their mortal enemy or they'll try really hard to get on your good side by not acting like that around you.  Either way you win because you won't have to spend much time with them.

If they're mentally ill in some genuine, short-term way (at least shorter than a lifelong personality disorder), I've found the best option is this:

1.  Slowly blink three times as if what they are saying was so off your radar you have to be careful to think about it before responding.
2.  Apologize that they ever felt you were doing whatever they are accusing you of, because you truthfully didn't intend that.
3.  Politely explain reality from your perspective.
4.  Apologize again that their feelings were hurt.

I've actually had someone repeatedly call me, "The sanest person I've ever met," because I used this method with them repeatedly.  It acknowledges their feelings while simultaneously drawing their attention to how ridiculous they were being.

[Arcadia]

Act hard of hearing  😉 That way others can hear how whiny the person is and don’t think I am exaggerating or making up stories.

No reaction has been the most handy though for my relatives who are complaining because they are attention seeking. They will go find someone else who is willing to listen and join in.

[Alicia64]

Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

Life is too short to keep these folks on your radar.

Alley

[wintermom]

If you want some visual examples, watch "Extras" with Ricky Gervais. His deadpan facial expressions and under-the-breath comments are brilliant. And it's really funny, too. You can just come up with all your own comments and say them in your head.

He's got the perfect responses for a wide variety of crazy personalities, so it's very useful for multiple situations.

Edited November 23, 2019 by wintermom

[regentrude]

20 hours ago, katilac said:

I picked up a great phrase that acknowledges them without engaging or agreeing: That's unfortunate. It works on all ages! 

This is brilliant, and I have used that, too, with students. It conveys a slight sense of sympathy and acknowledgment without saying "I'm sorry", which I avoid when I did not cause the issue.

[forty-two]

I really like "that's unfortunate" as a response, too.  Currently I say, "I'm sorry to hear that", but I've been looking for a replacement for sorry-as-an-expression-of-sympathy-not-fault. 

(But I can't help but hear it as the tagline to Dude Perfect's Wheel Unfortunate: "That's UN-fortunate!"  It doesn't work so well as low-key, non-committal sympathy that way :lol:.)

[unsinkable]

11 minutes ago, Arctic Mama said:

Oh yes that reminds me - slow blinks and a “why on earth would you say that?” go a long way.

 

I've never had someone Slow Blink me IRL...which I guess is a good thing, based on this thread?

But if I did, before I read this thread, I'd think they had allergies or were trying not to cry or bad something in their eye or just about anything before thinking...this person doesn't like what I just said. 

Straight forward usually makes more sense to me: "I don't want to listen to you complain* any more."

 *OR be offended by

* OR talk about

Etc...It's like the advice to say "Ouch" if someone says something or does something you (general you) perceive as mean. Straightforward works: " That hurt my feelings. "Is

 

 

[chocolate-chip chooky]

18 hours ago, Katy said:

 

If they're mentally ill in some genuine, short-term way (at least shorter than a lifelong personality disorder), I've found the best option is this:

1.  Slowly blink three times as if what they are saying was so off your radar you have to be careful to think about it before responding.
2.  Apologize that they ever felt you were doing whatever they are accusing you of, because you truthfully didn't intend that.
3.  Politely explain reality from your perspective.
4.  Apologize again that their feelings were hurt.

 

Yes, this.

Depression and/or anxiety can flare with symptoms of intense irritability and offence. A dark cloud colours everything the person experiences, and things that were completely okay (and even funny) yesterday, can feel like a viciously personal attack to them today.

I don't do the three slow blinks. I do a gentle befuddled look, which is aiming for the same thing. 

As the other person, it's hard to navigate sometimes, but Katy's four steps are spot on. 

[klmama]

Yes, I think depression and/or anxiety may be the root of the problem with this person, rather than NPD.  (Thanks to those who suggested I look into it, though - I've finally got an explanation for someone else who perplexes me!)