Anybody opting out of family holidays?

[theelfqueen]

Especially dramatic family holidays? 

I'm skipping Thanksgiving - my cousin is hosting. He hosted last year. They are very welcoming and I love them... but they have dogs and my brother is living there, with his cat... to which I, my DH and DS 14 are all allergic... and there's smoking (I'm asthmatic) and I hate big family gathering events. And theres drama and.... 

In the past I've participated because I felt I owed it to my parents or to my kids but.... I'm over it. 

Anybody else over it? 

[Carrie12345]

I always loved giant family gatherings growing up.  Then I married into dh’s family, which changed my attitude a bit! And my parents and sisters moved away, which changed my ability a lot.

We quit doing shared holidays over a decade ago, when we were driving 2 hours each way with 3 kids. It was the best decision we’ve ever made as a family!!!
We have made some specific exceptions for a couple of Thanksgivings.  We’ve done one Thanksgiving in a hotel with my parents, which was AWESOME! And we did one week long rental house for Thanksgiving with my parents, 4 out of 5 of us kids, and a ton of grandkids, which was also mostly great.  I believe those exceptions go so well because they ARE exceptions, not the norm.

Otherwise, dh, the kids, and I stuff ourselves and wear pajamas and it’s heaven.

[Pen]

I’ve been out of them for a long time due to health reasons and also distance.  

[MEmama]

We never, ever do extended family holidays. Like, it’s been over a decade. It’s awesome.

Unfortunately this year we have to make an exception. I’m already dreading the drama and stress.

[WendyLady]

Opting IN this year and so excited!  We have generally lived too far from family and have not been able to have holidays reliably with family in over 15 years. My niece is getting married the day after Thanksgiving so most of my sisters and their families will be together for TG and the wedding and I can't wait!!  Bring on the drama! 

I only care about the pies, so I'll bring my favorite and help with anything else...

sorry your holiday is causing any pain.  A small family Thanksgiving is a really special thing.  I'm just glad to have the option to mix it up this year!

[TheReader]

Kind of. 

We normally alternate Thanksgiving -- one year it's with my sister & mom, the other year it's with DH's sister & mom (our dads both live too far to be included in the swap). This year is our year with my side of the family. 

Well, my sister (when I asked her) let me know that they are gathering at their oldest daughter's (shared with roomies) house. As we both have (mostly, except for my 14 yr old) grown-up kids this year, we sort of expected this and are fine with it. But it left me & my sister fighting over who took our mom......she ended up with us. 

So, DH suggested we invite his mom, too, since on the alternate year, SIL also goes to her in-laws (leaving their mom/her dh alone on Thanksgiving). We could have both moms, and they could entertain each other, and it would be.....I won't say lovely, but less awkward than having my mom solo. 

We did, but his mom already had plans. Waaah!

So we invited friends to join us, and thus turned the awkward as heck thing into a probably still awkward but at least fun thing. 

I wasn't brave enough to totally bail (dh tried to convince the kids to travel instead/go on a vacation, but they all said "but, I want to be home for Thanksgiving....otherwise it's not Thanksgiving...."), so this is our compromise. 

[PeterPan]

1 hour ago, theelfqueen said:

and there's smoking

Oh I wouldn't go to that at all, end of discussion. If they're actually smoking in the house, just a blanket nope.

I hope you have a jolly holiday anyway. I don't think it's essential to get together with cousins for Thanksgiving. You could do it with friends, people in the community/church who don't have family, anyone. Or go take a trip or do something unusual. 

Our holidays all changed when my inlaws passed, so I've been trying to rethink what they look like for us and embrace something new.

[PrincessMommy]

Those of you who have opted out of extended family holidays what are you plans when you are the in-laws and your kids have kids?  

I love having all my kids and grandkids together.  Yes, there's sometimes drama (esp thanks to current political culture) but the adults mostly do their best to behave and not create drama.  But, I realize from reading this thread that at some time someone is going to call it quits.  😞 

 

[Shoeless]

I opt out as much as possible. We have a hard, "No travel on holidays" rule.  

Dad's home = drama.  Last year, he threatened to go to a soup kitchen if my sister didn't host.  Sister had to go out of town to see inlaws because her FIL had suffered a heart attack. 

MIL's annual Christmas Party = terrible food, not enough seating, everything is LOUD and disorganized. I hate going. MIL side steps the "no travel" policy by having the party on a random day before Christmas. 🙄  She always manages to plan this stupid party on the day that Trans Siberian Orchestra is playing.  I've wanted to go for years, and we never can because of this party. 😞 

I'm really hoping she digs in her heels and insists on having the party at her house or SILs house, because then we won't have to go.  DH won't want to do all that driving and I wont' stay overnight at their homes, (too much drama).     

  

 

[Annie G]

40 minutes ago, PrincessMommy said:

Those of you who have opted out of extended family holidays what are you plans when you are the in-laws and your kids have kids?  

I love having all my kids and grandkids together.  Yes, there's sometimes drama (esp thanks to current political culture) but the adults mostly do their best to behave and not create drama.  But, I realize from reading this thread that at some time someone is going to call it quits.  😞 

 

This is the first year in 25 years we’ve lived near the grandkids (3 hours away instead of 20) and we’re not having T’giving together. And it’s fine.  Dd has obligations with her dh’s side of the family and I’m not going to contribute to the expectation that they see all of us on T’giving.  So later that weekend we’re getting together and all four grandkids will make gingerbread houses. 
I cultivate the relationships as best I can w my siblings and sister in law, etc.   But it doesn’t have to be done all together on T, at least not to me. 
I’d  love to have my kids all together. They’re all spread out right now, and are in very different places in their lives. But I do long for that big family holiday, and haven’t given up on that. 

[medawyn]

45 minutes ago, PrincessMommy said:

Those of you who have opted out of extended family holidays what are you plans when you are the in-laws and your kids have kids?  

I love having all my kids and grandkids together.  Yes, there's sometimes drama (esp thanks to current political culture) but the adults mostly do their best to behave and not create drama.  But, I realize from reading this thread that at some time someone is going to call it quits.  😞 

 

Be flexible.  Acknowledge that not everyone will be able to make it to all holidays.  Plan non-holiday times for full family get togethers.  Hopefully be the kind of in laws that make our kids want to come home occasionally.

We don’t opt out of family holidays because of drama but simply because traveling hundreds of miles with four young children is expensive.  We do try to alternate sides of the family for Thanksgivings, but we stay home for Christmas. I miss our big family Christmases, but staying home is much nicer for my kids.  We invite my parents and in laws to join us, and some years they do.  They have more disposable income and fewer people to fly.  None of our siblings or parents live in the same state as any other.

[fairfarmhand]

2 minutes ago, medawyn said:

Be flexible.  Acknowledge that not everyone will be able to make it to all holidays.  Plan non-holiday times for full family get togethers.  Hopefully be the kind of in laws that make our kids want to come home occasionally.

We don’t opt out of family holidays because of drama but simply because traveling hundreds of miles with four young children is expensive.  We do try to alternate sides of the family for Thanksgivings, but we stay home for Christmas. I miss our big family Christmases, but staying home is much nicer for my kids.  We invite my parents and in laws to join us, and some years they do.  They have more disposable income and fewer people to fly.  None of our siblings or parents live in the same state as any other.

I plan on hosting a big family get together on a non-major holiday. New Year’s Day, 4th of July, something like that.

so that my adult kids can enjoy holidays without pressure of “one more place to be. Blah. “

I HATE that feeling that you’re letting people down by just enjoying your own little family and I refuse to impose it on my kids.

[PrincessMommy]

6 minutes ago, medawyn said:

Be flexible.  Acknowledge that not everyone will be able to make it to all holidays.  Plan non-holiday times for full family get togethers.  Hopefully be the kind of in laws that make our kids want to come home occasionally.

We don’t opt out of family holidays because of drama but simply because traveling hundreds of miles with four young children is expensive.  We do try to alternate sides of the family for Thanksgivings, but we stay home for Christmas. I miss our big family Christmases, but staying home is much nicer for my kids.  We invite my parents and in laws to join us, and some years they do.  They have more disposable income and fewer people to fly.  None of our siblings or parents live in the same state as any other.

oh, I won't have everyone together on thanksgiving this year either.  That's a given when kids get married.  Two of my married kids have other family obligations for Thanksgiving this year.  I'm fine with sharing.  But, what this thread is about it foregoing any family get together at holidays. That's a different issue than what you are talking about. 

[alisoncooks]

I wish I could opt out (at least of visiting my in-laws). I have minimized the time as much as I can. Now we do Thanksgiving as a day trip, instead of the 2 nights we used to (4 hour drive each way but it's worth it to avoid staying the night).

We stay 2 nights for Christmas but always in a hotel. I still hate it...but Thanksgiving and Christmas are literally our only visits so I'll concede. 

[medawyn]

4 minutes ago, PrincessMommy said:

oh, I won't have everyone together on thanksgiving this year either.  That's a given when kids get married.  Two of my married kids have other family obligations for Thanksgiving this year.  I'm fine with sharing.  But, what this thread is about it foregoing any family get together at holidays. That's a different issue than what you are talking about. 

We do stay home alone for Christmas.  We extend invitations to our parents (but not our siblings), but often it’s just our nuclear family.  We made the decision to stay home with just us with the expectation that it would always just be the six of us, and we have a lovely time.  It’s peaceful - I control the pace of the season, which I can’t do if we join in the family fray.

[PrincessMommy]

2 minutes ago, Æthelthryth the Texan said:

I hope I am graceful and can not put expectations on my kids when they're adults. And be flexible if they need/want us to do something- but be okay too with just me and dh if they don't. My former MIL was sort of my role model on this. I still think she's an awesome lady- she understood we needed to do/go wherever that was and worked around it and gave us no guilt of any sort of type of passive aggressive response. She was truly one of the most graceful ladies I've ever known. 

I am an only child, and it's a lot of pressure and guilt laid if I were to miss anything. Thats one of the reasons I have had more than one kid! And if I outlive dh I'll be really nice and hope one of them brings me a plate at Thanksgiving. 😉

But seriously, seeing how toxic my SIL is- it's definitely given me a check on having expectations on how my kids interact as adults and how I plan to approach that. I am not going to be the one to control that and give the "let's put aside our differences for Mom" sort of guilt vibe. My SIL is bat shit crazy and I think everyone putting up with her has just made the situation more toxic. If there had been less pressure over the years to put up with her, it might not have come to a head like it is now, unfortunately when my MIL is in failing health. 

That is really great you've had such a great role-model.  Until recent years, my MIL was also a great role-model for being a mother-in-law.  

To the bolded.  I keep waiting for the shoe to drop with some of my kids, esp my one married child who lives 2hrs away.  But, so far, they all like to be together the few times we can make it happen.

 

[PrincessMommy]

Just now, medawyn said:

We do stay home alone for Christmas.  We extend invitations to our parents (but not our siblings), but often it’s just our nuclear family.  We made the decision to stay home with just us with the expectation that it would always just be the six of us, and we have a lovely time.  It’s peaceful - I control the pace of the season, which I can’t do if we join in the family fray.

My sister-in-law used to do that.  Invite everyone to her house, instead of the mass pilgrimage to all the family (both sets of grandparents were divorced).  It's become smaller now that her own kids are married and have family of their own.  One year she called us to see what we were doing because it was going to be a small gathering since all her other kids were somewhere else.  

[medawyn]

2 minutes ago, medawyn said:

We do stay home alone for Christmas.  We extend invitations to our parents (but not our siblings), but often it’s just our nuclear family.  We made the decision to stay home with just us with the expectation that it would always just be the six of us, and we have a lovely time.  It’s peaceful - I control the pace of the season, which I can’t do if we join in the family fray.

Coming back to add that I grew up with grandparents in close proximity, so holidays always involved large extended family gatherings.  DH was similar.  We talk a lot about the example we are setting for our kids - small, nuclear family holiday - but we still think we are making the best decision for our circumstances. I certainly hope that our small family Christmas turns into a big, chaotic Christmas with my kids and grands, but I acknowledge that our choices might impact what our children choose.

[Annie G]

14 minutes ago, PrincessMommy said:

oh, I won't have everyone together on thanksgiving this year either.  That's a given when kids get married.  Two of my married kids have other family obligations for Thanksgiving this year.  I'm fine with sharing.  But, what this thread is about it foregoing any family get together at holidays. That's a different issue than what you are talking about. 

Dh’s parents have both passed away and only his sister remains. We aren’t getting together w her for the holidays because she’s a drama queen. My mom has passed but my dad and sister live 90 minutes away, and we aren’t spending the holiday w them, either.  But my sister’s son and his wife will come to our place for T’giving dinner- just the five of us.  So yeah, we actually opted out of two gatherings. 

[73349]

We're having Thanksgiving with family and don't anticipate drama. Christmas will be just the three of us.

Our parents live too far away for it to be practical to travel, especially  given that DH's job sometimes yanks vacation days out from under him at the last minute (once when we had bought plane tickets 👿) and just tells him to take the days later. Like every day is equal.

[Jenny in Florida]

I'm not sure I would refer to our situation ass "opting out." We have been estranged from my family of origin for more than two decades. Although we were on good terms with my husband's family, we lived across the country from them, and they are mostly gone now, unfortunately. So, we've pretty much always done "just us" holidays. 

I will admit that I was looking forward to the era when my kids grew up and brought home partners and eventually their own kids and we would have those wonderful, chaotic, exhausting, fun family get-togethers. But, due to the mess that is my son and daughter's relationship, I don't like my chances.

When my kids were little and we developed all of these little traditions, it felt special and cozy to cocoon with "just us." But now that my daughter no longer comes home for holidays and my son is either not here or sleeps through half the day, things feel entirely too quiet and sad.

[theelfqueen]

I'm the OP, and I *am* a MIL with a married son.

They lived across the country last year, will only be 8 hours drive away this year, and will be across the Atlantic for the next Three Years (he's an Air Force Pilot). They know they are always welcome at our home, for any holiday or none and that I love making things a celebration -- just not the crowds...  the challenge is actually that if they were home they'd want to participate in the big, crazy family thing -- and I don't. LOL I would probably give in for his sake. He's very close to my mother. LOL 

But one of the reasons I've decided to BREAK the big family holiday traditions (skipping Thanksgiving and traveling for Christmas) is to relieve any pressure on them that they should "Come Home." We're not going to be here, and we're not going to do that. If I'm not doing it, the extended family can't expect them to do so. So, they should come when it makes sense for them and we can celebrate together ANY TIME. We've already sidestepped a lot in the past because we had custody expectations pulling our older sons to their dad's.

I think this is one of those things where all the traditions may shift as more and more commonly kids have Great Grandparents and ... adult children have living parents, stepparents, grandparents, etc... By the time I had children, both of my grandmothers had passed... my own parents had moved across the country from their siblings, etc. So I didn't have all the extended family and I STILL had a hard time figuring out how to face dividing time between ILs and parents . I find it very unreasonable for parents of adult children to place these expectations on their children, and moreso for parents of children who HAVE adult children.

[Janeway]

I would love to have a big family holiday. So if anyone wants to invite us, awesome! But, I cannot do a bunch of dogs with a cat and cigarette smoke. So, I would be out also, for the one you are invited to.

[May]

The last holiday we spent with any family was 25 years ago. DH was military and family was never close by. We usually invited friends over. Now, are youngest daughter is married and living in San Diego, we live in VA. We plan on spending Easter with them this coming year. Our oldest daughter lives close by but she has chosen to spent Thanksgiving and Christmas elsewhere. We plan on going to a concert on the 23rd with her and exchange gifts then. Thanksgiving will be with friends and hopefully, no drama there.

[katilac]

We will forgo Thanksgiving with extended fam this year and have done so a lot of years, but not because we're over it. It's just one of the few times we can manage to get up to our cabin in the woods with our kids. We grill steaks and bake potatoes and it's fabulous. 

It's my sister's cabin, too, but she stays home because that's easier for her (grown) kids. My brother does his thing with grown kids and grandkids. My parents could go to any of the three but usually opt for my sister's, as it's about a mile away from them, lol. All of us together would be almost 30 people, which is tough to pull off. My side is all local so it's not as big a deal. 

Christmas will be more complicated this year. dh's side of the family is usually in town but the tradition has been that we have our big get-together with them after Christmas and meet up randomly as we can. This year, they will only be here for one week with Christmas in the middle, and I already know that dh is working the day after. They're also renting a house and I kind of fear we'll be expected to go there Christmas day, lol. Which will complicate my life but is possible. I've just had a very sweet setup for years, where we have a fairly leisurely morning and then go to a big fun gathering for the afternoon/evening, and all I do is bring one side dish, lol. So I'm opening my mind to seeing dh's fam on Christmas day but I am not cooking, people!! It's been years and years since I've cooked elaborate meals for holidays (see Thanksgiving notes above), it's been fabulous and I'm not inclining to start it up again anytime soon. In my defense, I did do ALL the cooking for that side's get togethers for quite a few years. I'm not sure they'll 'remember' that, though.