Encouragement needed homeschooling teen

[HSmomof2]

I posted several months ago after our co-op imploded and we were considering private schools for dd going into 9th grade. Long story short, neither private school worked out financially, and we visited our local public school where dd emphatically did not want to attend. Her friend group has scattered....some went to another co-op (and we were purposely excluded from going with them), one close friend went to private school, and the other moved a city away over the summer. So, here we are on the first day of school with everyone posting their “back to school” pictures, and dd is feeling very lonely and left behind. After much discussion over the summer, we (dd included) decided to continue homeschooling for two more years, then she can do dual enrollment. We did find a large co-op with high school classes open that she’ll start in a couple weeks. We ordered curricula together, added a few new activities, and I’ve tried to make her first days back special. Only to hear she wishes she had better choices available like her “all her friends did”, she feels like a loser still being homeschooled, etc. I’m hoping once the back to school stuff is over and she gets going with her activities things will get better.....but concerned we’re in for a long road. Any suggestions or encouragement? 

[PeachyDoodle]

I'm sorry. It's so tough when we are doing our best but still can't make our kids happy.

Is there something she'd like to do otherwise that you could make happen? Something she wouldn't be able to do if she was in school? A mid-week spa day or trip to an amusement park? 

Chances are things will improve when everyone settles into their routines and she starts making new friends at the new co-op. But I know it's hard. (((Hugs)))

[Lori D.]

(((hugs))) I remember that thread. Rock and a hard place. 😞

I suggest making the most of the decision to homeschool by devoting a ton of time for a special project or a special subject of very high interest for DD right now -- even be willing to set aside a "core" subject, to make homeschooling so sparkly that DD will stop focusing on feeling like it's only "losers" who homeschool, or that it was the "bad choice" that she *has* to do--and instead, see homeschooling as what a fantastic thing she *gets* to do.

What are her interests? Perhaps we can help you brainstorm a fantastic unit study or 0.5 credit elective or even an amazing way to do 1.0 credit of a core/academic class...

Edited September 3, 2019 by Lori D.

[Momto6inIN]

No BTDT experience here, but if it helps my 3 high schoolers have all commented at various times how sorry they feel for their public and private schooled friends because they all have so much homework and no time for fun stuff and pursuing independent interests and activities. Hopefully once your DD starts her new activities she'll have a little bit of that perspective!

[HSmomof2]

1 hour ago, Lori D. said:

(((hugs))) I remember that thread. Rock and a hard place. 😞

I suggest making the most of the decision to homeschool by devoting a ton of time for a special project or a special subject of very high interest for DD right now -- even be willing to set aside a "core" subject, to make homeschooling so sparkly that DD will stop focusing on feeling like it's only "losers" who homeschool, or that it was the "bad choice" that she *has* to do--and instead, see homeschooling as what a fantastic thing she *gets* to do.

What are her interests? Perhaps we can help you brainstorm a fantastic unit study or 0.5 credit elective or even an amazing way to do 1.0 credit of a core/academic class...

Thanks. One main selling point is not having to be up at 5 am every day, which she would have had to do if she went to school. Dance and art are what she loves. We’ve increased her dance classes to 4x per week, which will start next week. I haven’t had any luck finding art classes for teens or adults in our area. Everything is geared towards young kids. We are trying Artistic Pursuits High School Art curriculum this year, but an actual art course would be great. We probably don’t need it, but I did enroll her with NARHS, just in case our high school plans change and she does end up attending school somewhere. We had a better afternoon today. The weather is lovely here, so we took a walk to a coffee shop and had mochas. I’m rearranging my work schedule so I’m more available during the day. Hopefully as the activities and co-op start up, and she meets more homeschooled teens, things will start to look up.

[Miss Tick]

In my experience some of those comments were my dd mourning the change. I told her I was open to other options, and I knew it was hard. Eventually we talked about the advantages to homeschooling, which are very tangible with a heavy dance schedule, and she agreed. I'm not ready to completely let down my guard, but so far so good.

[mumto2]

Have you looked at art classes for senior citizens?  I was able to get Dd into a water color class that was essentially marketed to senior citizens and it was wonderful.  She enjoyed it greatly and made a lot of friends,  just not in the age group we were hunting for.  

 

[Pen]

Do you have a community college with no-credit community class offerings?  That might have art. Or even maybe 1 CC credit class in art would be something she could manage this year.  

 

Would she be allowed to take one art class at local high school?  

Or might there be a local arts council with classes? 

[Farrar]

Transitions are hard. Give it time and encourage her to give it a month or two. She'll feel those emotions, of course, but encourage her to hold the sense that this is how it will be at bay for a couple of months. It's so hard for teens to do that! Every stage and feeling feels like it will last forever. But you've made a good plan. You're looking into art and other opportunities (there are some amazing online art classes and look into local art festivals and artists as well). You've got the new coop she'll try. It may not work out exactly as she wants, but it won't stay like this.

I love Peachy's idea of going out to do some special stuff. Even if it's just get pedicures together or go out for lunch together this week. You've got a couple of weeks before the proper routine starts with the new coop. Use it to really celebrate beginning high school.

[HSmomof2]

52 minutes ago, SusanC said:

In my experience some of those comments were my dd mourning the change. I told her I was open to other options, and I knew it was hard. Eventually we talked about the advantages to homeschooling, which are very tangible with a heavy dance schedule, and she agreed. I'm not ready to completely let down my guard, but so far so good.

I think this is probably the case for dd as well. It’s a change and not one she wanted. She’s quiet and was comfortable in her little group. But, it ended up being a pretty toxic group with the exception of her closest friends. I’ll keep looking for art options for her......including some “out of the box” ideas.😊

[Pen]

What was wrong with local public school? If she’s not wanting to homeschool, maybe that is actually a viable option.  

Or at least something that can be offered as an option to complaining.

Or suggest to her to look into  what she can herself find that would be of interest within a certain budget and distance...

or, “Sorry, hun, I’ve done the best I can.  What can you do to make your schooling the best you can make it in the circumstances?”

[PeterPan]

Our high schooling with dd was kind of squishy. We were distracted with ds' autism (undiagnosed) and apraxia (lots of long therapy trips). It really wasn't ideal, and she was an unusual enough student with her ADHD, etc. that she really needed custom things and couldn't quite go into a school, cs, whatever, and be a good fit. So we made it work when it wasn't ideal, did some DE, and sent her away early to live with a friend and DE even more. We pretty much just said sorry it sucks, college will be great.

Now she's at the university, has just a few semesters to go, and she never talks about high school. I don't think it was ideal, but it also wasn't the end of the world. And truthfully, there are a lot of kids in sucky cs placements who WISH they could homeschool. So maybe just embrace the positive things you get to do as a result? My dd made costumes for plays, became a phenomenal cook, got to spend a lot of time with her grandma (who then passed). It's irreplaceable time to be together, and you get to do it at their best ages, when they're finally becoming stellar to be with. 

I'm not sure about the losers homeschool gig. Custom, or at least effective, homeschooling is a pretty good way to get high scores, scholarships, and the school you want into. 

Hopefully the new co-op will meet some of these needs! But I'd nip the attitude and just start focusing on the awesome things she can do because she's home.

Edited September 4, 2019 by PeterPan

[chiguirre]

I think she'll feel better once her dance classes and new coop start. Today, it's hard to see the back to school pictures, but I'd remind her that her activities will start very soon too.

[HSmomof2]

1 hour ago, Pen said:

What was wrong with local public school? If she’s not wanting to homeschool, maybe that is actually a viable option.  

Or at least something that can be offered as an option to complaining.

Or suggest to her to look into  what she can herself find that would be of interest within a certain budget and distance...

or, “Sorry, hun, I’ve done the best I can.  What can you do to make your schooling the best you can make it in the circumstances?”

Public school has been on the table as an option. It’s not a good school academically or otherwise, but we would have let her go if she’d wanted to. She has said all along she does not want to go there, and still doesn’t. She’s mostly sad right now with things changing. Older ds talked with her this evening, and she seems to be feeling a little better. Hopefully things will improve over these next few weeks as we get into our routine. 

[LMD]

Sorry to hear it's been tough, hope things look better in a few weeks.

I'm struggling with my similar aged daughter atm too.

[Pen]

4 hours ago, HSmomof2 said:

Public school has been on the table as an option. It’s not a good school academically or otherwise, but we would have let her go if she’d wanted to. She has said all along she does not want to go there, and still doesn’t. She’s mostly sad right now with things changing. Older ds talked with her this evening, and she seems to be feeling a little better. Hopefully things will improve over these next few weeks as we get into our routine. 

 

She sees herself as having few good options because she has a comparison group of peers with private school options.  But most kids I know don’t have anything but a local public school as an option.  

Though she probably cannot see that, Homeschool is a significant added option, especially when it can include dance , art, or other special interests.

It might be worthwhile to help her to learn to see what she has rather than focusing on what she doesn’t have.  

 

[LMD]

59 minutes ago, Pen said:

It might be worthwhile to help her to learn to see what she has rather than focusing on what she doesn’t have.

 

If anyone has tips on how to get this into a teens head, much appreciated!

[Guest]

1 hour ago, LMD said:

 

If anyone has tips on how to get this into a teens head, much appreciated!

Right, though? 

I even remember being the exact same way. When I was a teen, I wore sh!t-colored glasses. Only in retrospect do I see what I missed then. 

[LMD]

45 minutes ago, Quill said:

Right, though? 

I even remember being the exact same way. When I was a teen, I wore sh!t-colored glasses. Only in retrospect do I see what I missed then. 

Oh yes definitely. I feel like I need to apologise to my mother... 

[MysteryJen]

I am sorry it has been a rough transition to high school. I do think she will feel better once her dance classes start and she gets into a routine at home. I think the important thing to remember- mostly for you, the OP, and if your daughter would hear it (mine only did sometimes), is that 9th grade girls, no matter where they go to school, are generally discontent with life, their school, their lack of autonomy, etc. That's normal and things get better with maturity.

Also- limiting social media would be an excellent way to find her new normal. I believe that my dd2 deleted Instagram from her phone in 9th grade and just put it back on last summer. This really can only be a suggestion from you- but dd2 has found that one of those productivity apps that limit time on social media to be very helpful.

Comparison is the thief of joy. It is a hard lesson for teens and moms.

[Pen]

2 hours ago, LMD said:

 

If anyone has tips on how to get this into a teens head, much appreciated!

 

Possibly volunteer work with homeless kids.  Tutoring kids who move from shelter to shelter, helping with meals...

[fairfarmhand]

I’d point out to her that if social media is making her sad, then why is she doing that to herself. 

Even adults who are going through tough times find it best to avoid social media for certain time periods.

your dd is struggling. That’s fine. Normal.

this is a good time to help her learn that sometimes making the right choice is hard and FEELS rotten. But if the two of you have logically made this decision And you know it’s the best one, you just move forward in spite of your feelings. 

It’s a hard lesson to learn. Generally from the ages of 13-16, my girls have struggled with the down sides of decisions. Every decision has negatives. No solution is perfect with no bad parts. 

[fairfarmhand]

Sometimes teen girls enjoy the wallowing in misery. The Angst the tears the sadness. I’ll be supportive and listening for one day. After that, I say “yes, it’s stinky but we must move on. What would you like to do to take your mind off of this today?”

[marbel]

My daughter was a very unhappy homeschooler, yet she did not want to go to school because no school seemed a good fit.  Throughout her high school years she only had one friend, someone she met at church.  (She briefly toyed with the idea of going to the private school her friend attended, but it was way too costly for us and she really didn't want to do all the typical high school stuff, such as sports her friend was involved in.)  She is not academically inclined and hated all subjects except art.  And English when we were reading/discussing books, but writing papers was torture for her. Homeschooling her took a lot out of me and was close to wrecking our relationship. I worked so hard to keep her engaged and keep us from fighting over everything!

When she was a sophomore she started taking a couple of classes at community college, mostly art which was her great interest and the best option for affordable classes. She still felt a little bit of an outsider for a  while (15 years old around mostly 18+ students) but once she was out of high school and fully enrolled with a major at CC, she bloomed. She didn't graduate early as many DE kids do, but did graduate with lots of transferable credits. She even got As in her math and science classes, two areas which were huge struggles for us.

Two weeks ago I dropped her off at college to move into her student apartment (though the school is literally 10 minutes away from home; we wanted her to live there and her scholarships and financial aid allowed for that).  She loves everything about school, has bonded with her roommate, loves all her professors and classes and is joining clubs and fitting in.  She loved showing a new student around Philadelphia on a day trip into the city (we live in the suburbs) and being the "expert" at something. 

In retrospect, it seems clear that homeschooling gave her the freedom to not force herself to fit into a box. College is much less boxy than high school. But of course it did not look that way at the time, to either of us.  It was just loneliness and conflict.  The day she had her last high school evaluation and the evaluator signed off on her transcript was a day of huge relief for both of us. 

Of course we are only 2 weeks into college life so it could all collapse, but based on her times at community college I think she will do well. 

Hugs to you and your daughter. It can be a tough time.

 

Edited September 4, 2019 by marbel

[Arcadia]

5 hours ago, LMD said:

If anyone has tips on how to get this into a teens head, much appreciated!

 

My DS14 is now plotting how to increase his chances of landing a well paid job (as in higher pay than DH). However he has always been the complain and move on kid. He is also plotting how to graduate early from high school (he want to skip 12th grade).

My DS13 has always been whiny and a good thing it didn’t get worse. I had to talk him down his whining yesterday, debating team skills from public school English comes in useful (I was usually the first or fourth speaker, or doing both).

With my kids, what has worked best regardless of their age was to change the emotional to logic. From feeling to thinking. They calm down much faster when they switch to thinking it out when counter arguing me instead of continuing with their emotional outbursts. 

Another thing is short term goals. At their age it is harder to see long term and be patient with long term goals. They want some sense of achievement so short term goals help a lot. It’s like being a sports coach planning and cheerleading the players, the players just win each match as it comes to proceed to the finals. My kids feels like the “finals” is so far away but “the next match” is easy for them to visualize as a short term goal.

[ktgrok]

It's also okay to just acknowledge that she is upset, that she wishes she had some other options. It's okay to be upset for a bit, and making hard choices is part of being an adult, but so is moving on. 

[mlktwins]

7 hours ago, MysteryJen said:

Comparison is the thief of joy. It is a hard lesson for teens and moms.

Thank you for this little reminder!!!  I needed this today :-)!

[HSmomof2]

Thank you all for the suggestions and encouragement. I need to do better allowing/acknowledging her feelings but not getting sucked into the teen misery myself. She has temporarily deleted social media from her phone for a week or two. She was seeing a counselor last year and has asked to see him again for a few sessions. I’ve left a message to get an appointment set up. I’m proud of her for knowing she’s struggling and being willing to ask for help. We are also looking at a family trip in the spring, which she wouldn’t be able to do if she were in school. 

[ScoutTN]

7 hours ago, MysteryJen said:

I am sorry it has been a rough transition to high school. I do think she will feel better once her dance classes start and she gets into a routine at home. I think the important thing to remember- mostly for you, the OP, and if your daughter would hear it (mine only did sometimes), is that 9th grade girls, no matter where they go to school, are generally discontent with life, their school, their lack of autonomy, etc. That's normal and things get better with maturity.

Also- limiting social media would be an excellent way to find her new normal. I believe that my dd2 deleted Instagram from her phone in 9th grade and just put it back on last summer. This really can only be a suggestion from you- but dd2 has found that one of those productivity apps that limit time on social media to be very helpful.

Comparison is the thief of joy. It is a hard lesson for teens and moms.

Yes!