Does “No problem” in response to “Thank you” upset you?

[Scarlett]

2 minutes ago, Æthelthryth the Texan said:

This. So MUCH this. I think that every time I see threads like these and how people may not like my accent and my manners, but hey at least I’m not a cynic who thinks the worst of every person and actively looks to be offended over the tiniest most inconsequential thing. And if a young person calling me ma’am makes me think they think I’m old that’s MY PROBLEM and my issue and hang ups with aging. Not theirs! 

I mean, I am old.  LOL.....It is startling sometimes for me to face that, but hey it is what it is.  

[Tanaqui]

27 minutes ago, Æthelthryth the Texan said:

This. So MUCH this. I think that every time I see threads like these and how people may not like my accent and my manners, but hey at least I’m not a cynic who thinks the worst of every person and actively looks to be offended over the tiniest most inconsequential thing. And if a young person calling me ma’am makes me think they think I’m old that’s MY PROBLEM and my issue and hang ups with aging. Not theirs! 

 

You seem to think that people who have different opinions on language use than you do are "cynics" who "think the worst of every person" and "actively look to be offended over the tiniest most inconsequential thing". Hm. Were you trying to be amusing in your hypocrisy there?

[Corraleno]

So non-Southerners who've only ever heard sir/ma'am either used to address elderly people and people who are in an enforced position of power over them (military), or used sarcastically to imply one of the above, are expected to give the benefit of the doubt to anyone who uses it, even if they use in a way that would be rude and disrespectful in the local culture. Otherwise they are being rude, cynical, unreasonable, and too easily offended. Because no Southerner would ever be offended or assume a person was being rude or disrespectful for not using sir/ma'am... 

[frogger]

I can't answer, even though I'm not a Southerner I have heard and used ma'am and sir but wanted to add I'm pretty sure the MPs calling me ma'am when I was a teen did not think I was above them in the hierarchy. It was obviously quite the opposite and though they were polite, obedience would have been expected if needed.

[Carrie12345]

4 hours ago, frogger said:

oesn't every state in the US have military posts? How could something so ingrained in our military be so offensive to the rest of the population?

I worked in a daycare with a lot of military kids in NJ and currently live in a PA school district with many military kids. (Both Army locations.) I’ve never really heard ma’ams and sirs floating around “outside”.

To the original question, I’m an Xer who uses “no problem” to convey that a favor was of no inconvenience. If I do genuinely go out of my way, I’m more likely to say something like “I’m happy to have helped.”

[Corraleno]

Unless someone has been in the military themselves or has a close relative in the military, many people's impressions of military life probably come from movies. For non-military/non-southerners, the word "sir" may conjure up images of army recruits shouting "yes sir!" while a drill sergeant screams in their faces. Or perhaps a Wodehousian butler expressing sarcastic/ironic deference to a clueless upper class twit. I don't think I've ever heard anyone use sir/ma'am to refer to someone much younger or lower status. Even on the rare occasion I might hear someone say something like "excuse me sir/ma'am, you forgot your bag," it's generally addressed to someone older. Most people would just say "excuse me, you forgot your bag" and leave out any sir/ma'am/miss. I've lived in the NE, SW, NW, and SoCal, and I think of sir/ma'am as somewhat archaic terms of deference based on age and/or status, or as terms of address used sarcastically to indicate that the deference being offered is ironic/undeserved.

[Wheres Toto]

6 hours ago, Ktgrok said:

Given that sir and ma'am are used for people younger than you as well as older, and even with children, and with those of lower status professionally, etc etc, I'm not sure we can say that it's use is tied to authoritarian systems or a lack of embracing democracy, etc. It's just a social nicety, same as "please" and "thank you". 

As to those not in the south, did y'all not grow up watching Andy Griffith? Enough Sirs and Ma'ams in there that I'd think it would be a cultural thing others understood, even if they didn't practice it. But maybe I'm overestimating the popularity of the show, lol. I still watch reruns from time to time. 

I've watched Andy Griffith and I just assumed it was a custom in the past.  I was an adult before I realized it was a common thing anywhere currently.

[frogger]

2 hours ago, Corraleno said:

Unless someone has been in the military themselves or has a close relative in the military, many people's impressions of military life probably come from movies. For non-military/non-southerners, the word "sir" may conjure up images of army recruits shouting "yes sir!" while a drill sergeant screams in their faces. Or perhaps a Wodehousian butler expressing sarcastic/ironic deference to a clueless upper class twit. I don't think I've ever heard anyone use sir/ma'am to refer to someone much younger or lower status. Even on the rare occasion I might hear someone say something like "excuse me sir/ma'am, you forgot your bag," it's generally addressed to someone older. Most people would just say "excuse me, you forgot your bag" and leave out any sir/ma'am/miss. I've lived in the NE, SW, NW, and SoCal, and I think of sir/ma'am as somewhat archaic terms of deference based on age and/or status, or as terms of address used sarcastically to indicate that the deference being offered is ironic/undeserved.

 

 

I guess I just looked really old when I lived on base. Either that or the Southerners were always posted to our base. Could be I'm conflating the two. The military moves around a lot.

I'm obviously not extraordinarily used to being called ma'am everywhere because I did notice it when the gate guard called me ma'am getting on base a couple weeks ago.

Edited August 10, 2019 by frogger

[katilac]

On 8/9/2019 at 11:31 AM, Homeschool Mom in AZ said:

 The only people offended by comparison and contrast are people who highly value conformity.  People who value diversity see difference as neutral and find discussing the pros and cons valuable.

The people who adamantly oppose ma'am and sir also seem to value conformity a great deal, lol. They don't seem to see difference as neutral, that's for sure. The story about the kid being sent to the principal's office is just ridiculous to me, an example of valuing conformity to the point of stupidity. I know plenty of teachers and not a single one of them would send a student to the principal's office for something like that. Even if it had not been genuine, this teacher can't handle a single sarcastic comment on her own? She mustn't have very good control over her classroom!   

I know a fair amount about some of the differences between the south and other parts of the country, and I know that the deep culture of honor can cause problems as well as solve them. I also think you could have worded your post with more care; I do think it presented as rather condescending as opposed to, 'there are some interesting reasons the south sometimes does things differently.' 

19 hours ago, Scarlett said:

I mean, I am old.  LOL.....It is startling sometimes for me to face that, but hey it is what it is.  

Right? If you're in your 40s or 50s, it is time to quit getting indignant over the fact that some people might think you are old, lol.  It also baffles me, because ma'am was, as far as I'm aware, never used for older people exclusively in any part of the country. It may have been used in some areas exclusively for adults and/or married people, but never exclusively or even primarily for senior citizens. I absolutely do not get a 50-yr-old woman getting indignant over it. 

[Pam in CT]

re reading one another's minds/ intentions

19 hours ago, Corraleno said:

So non-Southerners who've only ever heard sir/ma'am either used to address elderly people and people who are in an enforced position of power over them (military), or used sarcastically to imply one of the above, are expected to give the benefit of the doubt to anyone who uses it, even if they use in a way that would be rude and disrespectful in the local culture. Otherwise they are being rude, cynical, unreasonable, and too easily offended. Because no Southerner would ever be offended or assume a person was being rude or disrespectful for not using sir/ma'am... 

 

Or... get offended because someone said "no problem" instead of "you're welcome."

We may have gone full circle here, folks.

 

(I really don't think it -- either you're welcome v no problem, or sir/ma'am -- is a millennial / boomer thing, or a northern / southern thing, or a Good Manners / Bad Manners thing, or certainly certainly not a Good People / Bad People thing.  Customs vary. On little stuff like this -- we are talking about courtesies between strangers conducting transactions at the supermarket - that's OK.  On the big stuff it's helpful to understand the differences and try to respect one another's preferences.  May peace be upon us all.)

[Guest]

16 hours ago, Pam in CT said:

re reading one another's minds/ intentions

 

Or... get offended because someone said "no problem" instead of "you're welcome."

We may have gone full circle here, folks.

 

(I really don't think it -- either you're welcome v no problem, or sir/ma'am -- is a millennial / boomer thing, or a northern / southern thing, or a Good Manners / Bad Manners thing, or certainly certainly not a Good People / Bad People thing.  Customs vary. On little stuff like this -- we are talking about courtesies between strangers conducting transactions at the supermarket - that's OK.  On the big stuff it's helpful to understand the differences and try to respect one another's preferences.  May peace be upon us all.)

Completely agree. 

Living in Maryland, I will say this state is a diverse blend of “southernnness” and “northernness”. In some areas of the state, tiny though the state is, ma’am and sir are common. Kids are taught to say this as a form of respect. This is especially true when it comes to “Sir” and especially in military or law enforcement families. My ds19 definitely calls men at his job Sir. It wasn’t something I particularly enforced when he was growing up but as an adult, he has clearly chosen to do so. If someone ever tells him off for calling them Sir in the context of serving them at a club...well, that’s not going to make any sense to me. (I don’t know whether he uses Ma’am or not. I think probably, but probably not as much as Sir.) 

Around here, you’re just as likely to be called “Hon.” 😄

[lmrich]

How about "My pleasure" 

 

[katilac]

2 hours ago, Quill said:

 Around here, you’re just as likely to be called “Hon.” 😄

As per prior threads, that will also annoy many people. 

[Guest]

1 hour ago, katilac said:

As per prior threads, that will also annoy many people. 

Oh, I’m sure. My mother forbid us from using certain regionalisms and that was one of them. But just saying: a lot of people say it. They mean nothing negative by it. It’s just a speech habit here, same as saying “Dere” and “Dat” for there and that. 

[Paige]

There's way too much going on in the world and my life to get upset over things like that. I don't care if you call me ma'am, miss, lady, honey, sweetie, Mrs Last name, Ms first  name, or whatever as long as it's not blatantly offensive like Hey B-. 

I don't care if you say "no problem," to my thank you or whatever generic courtesy you want or if you just nod your head. All I want is basic civility. I'll notice if someone is especially kind but I don't hold it against the average service person if he or she only does the minimum. Who knows what kind of day they have had.

 

[Liz CA]

Around my parts, we hear everything from "no problem," "oh, absolutely," to "Sure!" It's been a while I heard "my pleasure." I used to work with someone twenty years ago who said it frequently. And I have no problem with any of them.

[Lady Florida.]

As a lifelong bleeding heart liberal snowflake, even I think "this offends me" has gone too far. 

 

Editing to clarify: I'm originally from a northern state where sir and ma'am are used sarcastically unless you're in the military. I moved to a state where it's commonly used as a courtesy to elders. I've never required or expected a child to refer to me as ma'am but I don't get offended if someone calls me ma'am.  I will sometimes say sir or ma'am as a joke but only to those who know me and understand I'm joking.

 I'm a baby boomer to whom 'no problem' is a relatively new way of saying you're welcome. I don't care if someone says you're welcome, no worries, no problem, my pleasure, or anything else that's clearly meant as a courtesy. 

Tone matters and while we can't read tone on the internet we can certainly hear it. Bless your heart might be the exception to those who don't understand its meaning - the tone is usually exaggerated sweetness that can be mistaken for actual sweetness. For the most part though, people can understand tone and should give each other the benefit of the doubt. 

Edited August 11, 2019 by Lady Florida.

[Paige]

But despite what you read on the internet, "Bless your/her heart" is not always meant sarcastically or condescendingly. It can be used both ways and I think people from other areas may not understand the subtle nuances with southern conversations.

[daijobu]

This idea that some regionalisms can be expected in some areas and offensive to others reminds me of another example.  

MIL is from Texas, and she happily accepts the title of "Granny."  

My own parents are from the upper midwest.  They sole person they know with the title Granny is the character from the Beverly Hillbillies TV show.  She is portrayed not favorably, and I know my mother would never want that title because of the association.  Happily it all worked out!  (She's "Grandma.") 

Edited August 11, 2019 by daijobu

[Clemsondana]

I grew up hearing some adults constantly fretting over who said what, and how - somebody did or didn't say 'sir', did somebody sign the card that way as a slight, was that wording a backhanded compliment, was there veiled sarcasm, etc.  After watching one of my grandmothers, whom I literally never heard say a bad word about anybody, ever (until she got addled in her 80s...then it all came out), I decided to to take a page from her book.  I try to take every interaction and assume the best possible intentions.  I figure that if my interpretation is right, then it's win-win, and if it's wrong, well, I did the best I could.  It eliminates a lot of drama.  I've lived in 9 states, traveled through many more, and worked with folks from other countries and don't think I've ever had an experience with misinterpreting regionalisms - it seems that most people seem to take things in the spirit in which they were intended.  

[frogger]

18 hours ago, Quill said:

Around here, you’re just as likely to be called “Hon.” 😄

 

Ok, when I was visiting Alabama for the first time ever this spring, I was called Hon and sometimes honey by sales people. I took it just as just a friendly greeting and certainly didn't fret but there was a little question in the back of my mind, "Do they think I'm young and naive or not so bright somehow?" Lol

 

I really wasn't positive exacatly who it was typically spoken to and it was usually in response to a question I had being so out of my element.

 

 

Edited August 12, 2019 by frogger

[katilac]

10 hours ago, Paige said:

But despite what you read on the internet, "Bless your/her heart" is not always meant sarcastically or condescendingly. It can be used both ways and I think people from other areas may not understand the subtle nuances with southern conversations.

YES, THANK YOU!! 

I actually never heard it used in a nasty or sarcastic way until I was well into adulthood, and then it was only on the internet for a really long time. It makes me rather sad. 

[Lady Florida.]

20 hours ago, Paige said:

But despite what you read on the internet, "Bless your/her heart" is not always meant sarcastically or condescendingly. It can be used both ways and I think people from other areas may not understand the subtle nuances with southern conversations.

Which is why I said that tone might not help someone determine how it's meant.