My dad’s offensive (to me) fb posts

[lovinmyboys]

I’m not sure how to title this. My dad is not that old (early 60s) and is still in good health physically and mentally. He is a super great guy, and other than this I have no complaints about him. He was an amazing dad while I was growing up.

The problem: he will regularly (maybe once every couple of weeks) post things on fb that usually aren’t true, but are always negative about dh’s job or people dh works with. 

I have asked him to stop doing this. I’m not sure why he does it. I have told him that it really bothers Dh-to the point that he is glad we don’t live in the same area so our social circles don’t cross. My dad doesn’t see why it would bother dh. He says he isn’t talking about him personally. I have told him things he posts aren’t true, but he believes them anyway over what my dh says. I guess he thinks dh is just trying to be loyal to his job/friends there, and not telling him the actual truth.

The last time I talked to him about it was about a month ago. We have had some other conversations between then and now, but today he said I seemed distant lately. I just said that things have been really stressful around here. Now he and my mom are coming to visit. I love when they visit, but I am dreading it this time. I need to get over being hurt about the stupid fb posts. I don’t really think talking to him helps because each time I have, it seems like he understands, then a few weeks later he goes and does it again. 

Dh got off Facebook a little over a year ago because of it and I stopped following my dad after our last conversation about it. Any other advice? I feel like maybe I am taking it too personally and I shouldn’t let the one thing affect how I feel about my dad. On the other hand, I seriously can’t believe he continues to do it. We have had at least 4 conversations about it over the last year or so. Ugh. I really need to get over it so I can enjoy their visit.

[Sneezyone]

My dad sometimes posts things that are demonstrably untrue/easily refuted. It has made visits somewhat challenging for me (I’m the one who’s bothered, not DH). If it makes you feel any better, I found my last visit to my dad’s pleasantly peaceful (albeit short) because, in-person, he’s much less of a fire breather than he is online. My stepmom even backed me in our discussions. We are not a family that tiptoes or appeases but we are passionate and respectful. It was much better than I expected going in.

Edited March 11, 2019 by Sneezyone

[lovinmyboys]

5 minutes ago, Sneezyone said:

My dad sometimes posts things that are demonstrably untrue/easily refuted. It has made visits somewhat challenging for me (I’m the one who’s bothered, not DH). If it makes you feel any better, I found my last visit to my dad’s pleasantly peaceful (albeit short) because, in-person, he’s much less of a fire breather than he is online. My stepmom even backed me in our discussions. We are not a family that tiptoes or appeases. It was much better than I expected going in.

I think that my dad is also much less likely to say this stuff in person. I think the most likely scenario is that my dad sees something on fb and reposts it or responds to it and isn’t thinking about me or dh at all. 

Edited March 11, 2019 by lovinmyboys

[Catwoman]

Can you be a bit more descriptive about the kinds of comments your dad is posting? I’m having trouble imagining what he is saying that is so personally offensive to your dh, so I’m hoping you can provide a few examples.  🙂

[Sneezyone]

3 minutes ago, lovinmyboys said:

I think that my dad is also much less likely to say this stuff in person. I think the most likely scenario is that my dad sees something on fb and reposts it or responds to it and isn’t thinking about me or dh at all. 

 

That is what I believe as well. When challenged with contrary facts or even ‘alternate theories of the case’, my dad reconsidered. His mind wasn’t entirely closed.

Edited March 11, 2019 by Sneezyone

[lovinmyboys]

11 minutes ago, Catwoman said:

Can you be a bit more descriptive about the kinds of comments your dad is posting? I’m having trouble imagining what he is saying that is so personally offensive to your dh, so I’m hoping you can provide a few examples.  🙂

It isn’t any of these examples but it is like this.

If my dh were a doctor and he was regularly posting memes saying that doctors know the cure for cancer but choose not to use it because they make more money giving people chemo.

Or if my Dh worked at CNN and my dad would post stuff about “fake news cnn.”

 

Edited March 11, 2019 by lovinmyboys

[Tap]

If your dad knows how to mind his manners in person, I would just block him on Facebook. I can't stand my FILs views on immigration (he was a truck driver and listened to LOTS of talk radio) and quiet honestly, most social policies. I refuse to talk to him about immigration or the border wall,  and I can't even imagine what he has on Facebook about it. But, I fully believe he is entitled to his views and some of his concerns are very valid. I am sure he feels the same about my views. We make sure to not let those views come between us by keeping those parts of our lives separate.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Why didn’t you tell him the truth about why you are distant?  It might not fix the issue but I think that people need to know when things like this have the natural consequence of affecting real life relationships. 

[Guest]

This is a tough one, since you have spoken IRL about the problem. I would probably hide his posts so I stop seeing him do this. I hid an older family member because of relentless and inaccurate political posts. This is a very intelligent man, but nevertheless, he would not fact check and would repost memes I disliked. I began to think it has more to do with cognitive changes with age. 

[Ausmumof3]

If it’s specific stuff about your dhs job/industry that could be confidential he needs to stop.  If it’s just general commentary like “all bankers are devil worshipping satanic money sucking Scrooges who only care about themselves” it’s still offensive but you can’t really stop him from stating his opinion.  You may do well to either unfollow him on Facebook or at least click see less on his posts.  

I occasionally have stuff I disagree with my dh on Facebook so I don’t really read much he puts on Facebook.  It’s better for our relationship.

[madteaparty]

I have a sticker on my car for a former candidate that regularly denigrates my DH’s (and before i retired, in some ways mine as well) industry. There’s plenty of people in that industry that agree with and voted for that candidate.  But I don’t see myself or DH as representatives of an industry and am able to see political slogans for what they are: shorthand. 

I block far and wide on fb though. 

Edited March 11, 2019 by madteaparty

[HomeAgain]

People who write stuff like that make it clear how they really feel.  I would tell that to your dad.  Since he's made it clear he doesn't respect your dh, he's not as welcome.

[mumto2]

Sending Hugs,  we don’t do Facebook.  My family lacks a filter irl and I cannot imagine them on Facebook at me daily.  Honestly be grateful the filter is there in person and block his Facebook comments. 

[Bluegoat]

I guess really there is only so much you can do - I might unfollow him.

But - I'd also be very careful about taking that kind of stuff very personally.  It's hard to say without knowing quite what it is, but people can have views about an industry without it being about individuals.  I post things from time to time about education, and I have plenty of teacher friends - most tend to agree with me but I've had one who objected.  

 

[Aura]

9 hours ago, lovinmyboys said:

I’m not sure how to title this. My dad is not that old (early 60s) and is still in good health physically and mentally. He is a super great guy, and other than this I have no complaints about him. He was an amazing dad while I was growing up.

The problem: he will regularly (maybe once every couple of weeks) post things on fb that usually aren’t true, but are always negative about dh’s job or people dh works with. 

I have asked him to stop doing this. I’m not sure why he does it. I have told him that it really bothers Dh-to the point that he is glad we don’t live in the same area so our social circles don’t cross. My dad doesn’t see why it would bother dh. He says he isn’t talking about him personally. I have told him things he posts aren’t true, but he believes them anyway over what my dh says. I guess he thinks dh is just trying to be loyal to his job/friends there, and not telling him the actual truth.

The last time I talked to him about it was about a month ago. We have had some other conversations between then and now, but today he said I seemed distant lately. I just said that things have been really stressful around here. Now he and my mom are coming to visit. I love when they visit, but I am dreading it this time. I need to get over being hurt about the stupid fb posts. I don’t really think talking to him helps because each time I have, it seems like he understands, then a few weeks later he goes and does it again. 

Dh got off Facebook a little over a year ago because of it and I stopped following my dad after our last conversation about it. Any other advice? I feel like maybe I am taking it too personally and I shouldn’t let the one thing affect how I feel about my dad. On the other hand, I seriously can’t believe he continues to do it. We have had at least 4 conversations about it over the last year or so. Ugh. I really need to get over it so I can enjoy their visit.

If I'm understanding this right, you haven't seen one of these posts in over a year? You addressed it in IRL, took action, and you haven't been faced directly with it for over a year? If that's the case, then yes, I think it's time to let go and move on.  Believe your dad when he said he didn't mean it personally, let it go and don't let it destroy your otherwise good relationship. 

[lovinmyboys]

I last saw a post of my dad’s 3ish weeks ago. I thought I was pretty much over it, but now he is coming to visit and I realized I am not. 

Dh used to work at Walmart (more than 10 years ago) and he is in the military reserves, so I have heard a lot of people’s opinions about those jobs. None of that bothered me because I understood that people had real concerns about what Walmart was doing. And I know that the US military is quite large and people are going to have various opinions about its missions.

This really bothers me, I think, because these memes and other posts accuse people of doing highly unethical, immoral, and likely illegal things and it isn’t true. Then when I talk to my dad about it, he just says he isn’t talking about dh. I asked him if he realizes he is talking about dh’s friends and he is helping to spread rumors that are not true. I just don’t see how he doesn’t have a problem with spreading lies about his SIL’s friends. 

So, in order to get over it, I think I need to reframe what he is doing. He is just posting random stuff on Facebook without thinking about how it affects me. The problem is now I know how he feels and it makes it hard to see him the same way. 

[Bluegoat]

2 hours ago, lovinmyboys said:

I last saw a post of my dad’s 3ish weeks ago. I thought I was pretty much over it, but now he is coming to visit and I realized I am not. 

Dh used to work at Walmart (more than 10 years ago) and he is in the military reserves, so I have heard a lot of people’s opinions about those jobs. None of that bothered me because I understood that people had real concerns about what Walmart was doing. And I know that the US military is quite large and people are going to have various opinions about its missions.

This really bothers me, I think, because these memes and other posts accuse people of doing highly unethical, immoral, and likely illegal things and it isn’t true. Then when I talk to my dad about it, he just says he isn’t talking about dh. I asked him if he realizes he is talking about dh’s friends and he is helping to spread rumors that are not true. I just don’t see how he doesn’t have a problem with spreading lies about his SIL’s friends. 

So, in order to get over it, I think I need to reframe what he is doing. He is just posting random stuff on Facebook without thinking about how it affects me. The problem is now I know how he feels and it makes it hard to see him the same way. 

 

It sounds to me like the basis of the problem is really that he thinks this untrue stuff.  I guess the question is, what's really going on with that?  Does he not have the ability to really tell the difference between reliable and unreliable information?  Is there some experience that makes him inclined to believe this about this group?  

I have a few older relatives that post some odd stuff.  One is actually a little crackers, but the other isn't - but what I've realised is that she really is not good at assessing the information.  Which surprised me a bit - but in the end I just don't ay too much attention to what she posts.

[KungFuPanda]

Can you just post your rebuttal and move on like it's a friendly debate? This way both sides are presented and you can feel like you've neutralized the misinformation. He has a right to state his opinion and you won't agree on everything.  Maybe you can work on being comfortable agreeing to disagree and compartmentalize this so it doesn't sour your enjoyment of the relationship.  Every person you know and love has something that they will disagree with you over.  You just KNOW about this.  Also, your DH doesn't represent his entire profession so maybe it isn't really a personal attack. You can believe the government is corrupt and still think Aunt Sally who works at the Social Security office is just the greatest person ever. 

People are allowed to believe things that are untrue.  It's maddening, but they are.

[Pen]

If they are not directly about your husband, I think you might be best off either not using FB or at least not reading what your father writes there, Or, if it is possible to comment (I don’t use fb so don’t know) writing your own contrasting view, or feelings if that is appropriate.  

Freedom of expression is, at least in theory, something the military fights to uphold .  

It might be more satisfying to take your father on in a free exercise of freedom of expression than to feel hurt silently. 

 

[Catwoman]

3 hours ago, lovinmyboys said:

I last saw a post of my dad’s 3ish weeks ago. I thought I was pretty much over it, but now he is coming to visit and I realized I am not. 

Dh used to work at Walmart (more than 10 years ago) and he is in the military reserves, so I have heard a lot of people’s opinions about those jobs. None of that bothered me because I understood that people had real concerns about what Walmart was doing. And I know that the US military is quite large and people are going to have various opinions about its missions.

This really bothers me, I think, because these memes and other posts accuse people of doing highly unethical, immoral, and likely illegal things and it isn’t true. Then when I talk to my dad about it, he just says he isn’t talking about dh. I asked him if he realizes he is talking about dh’s friends and he is helping to spread rumors that are not true. I just don’t see how he doesn’t have a problem with spreading lies about his SIL’s friends. 

So, in order to get over it, I think I need to reframe what he is doing. He is just posting random stuff on Facebook without thinking about how it affects me. The problem is now I know how he feels and it makes it hard to see him the same way. 

 

It bothers me that your dad knows he’s hurting your husband’s feelings and that his posts upset you, too, yet he continues to post the same offensive comments... but on the other hand, he really believes the things he posts. He’s not trying to be mean, right? He loves you and he likes your dh, right? So he is obviously speaking in general terms when he posts. 

You may not like what your dad is posting, but he has a right to his opinions, so maybe your dh needs to lighten up a little and try to stop being so thin skinned about this. Is it really that important that your dad has negative feelings toward your dh’s company? And why does your dh care so much that your dad seems to be insulting the people he works with? It’s not like your dh’s co-workers are following your dad’s every post on FB. And if your dad met those people in person, he would probably like them, and they would probably think he was a nice guy. What I mean is, I doubt your dad is trying to be personally insulting to anyone, but that he gets a little overzealous when he posts and he’s thinking of “those Walmart people” (or whatever) in general and not Steve the friendly cashier who works at the Walmart down the street, because Steve is a real person to him and he likes Steve. 

It sounds like your dad hates the company your dh works for, but he certainly doesn’t hate your dh and he’s not lecturing your dh about how he needs to quit his job. He’s giving your dh the benefit of the doubt that he’s a good person. Why can’t your dh extend that same courtesy toward your dad? 

I know it’s a lot easier said than done, though. I think you should probably stop reading your dad’s FB posts. Your relationship with your dad is a lot more important than how he feels about your dh’s company.

 

Edited March 11, 2019 by Catwoman

[MaBelle]

1.  Let it roll off.  Who gives a $hit what your dad puts on fb? 

OR

2. Tell  your dad in no uncertain terms that he's pissing you off and to cut it out.  

Personally I'd ignore it.  I'm 61 myself and blessed to still have mom and dad.  They're not going to be around forever.

[Katy]

Blatantly telling me he thought my husband was lying about something involving ethics (legal or illegal) out of loyalty would tick me off too, especially if it involved some sort of conspiracy theory (monsanto, oil, georgia pacific, banking, etc).

I'd tell him I'm really hurt that he keeps choosing to believe you've sacrificed your honor to be married to someone without ethics and it's slowly ruining your trust in him so you're dreading this visit.  Maybe he shouldn't come at all because you DO believe your husband not some ridiculous internet conspiracy meme and you find it extremely hurtful and offensive that he keeps spreading these lies.

[lovinmyboys]

5 hours ago, Katy said:

Blatantly telling me he thought my husband was lying about something involving ethics (legal or illegal) out of loyalty would tick me off too, especially if it involved some sort of conspiracy theory (monsanto, oil, georgia pacific, banking, etc).

I'd tell him I'm really hurt that he keeps choosing to believe you've sacrificed your honor to be married to someone without ethics and it's slowly ruining your trust in him so you're dreading this visit.  Maybe he shouldn't come at all because you DO believe your husband not some ridiculous internet conspiracy meme and you find it extremely hurtful and offensive that he keeps spreading these lies.

This is pretty much exactly how I feel, except I do want him to come visit. I just want him to not believe the conspiracy theories over dh, lol. I guess I will just have to ignore that part of him.

I think it just bugs me because I don’t understand what he is thinking. Like how does he know better than Dh what happens at dh’s work?  Dh has been there 10 years and has worked at a few different offices. Plus, he travels to other offices. I think dh has a decent grasp of normal procedure there. I don’t think I am going to understand my dad though, so I am going to try to let that go. He has a right to do things I don’t understand. And really, I don’t think he understands where I am coming from. So, I don’t think he is being intentionally hurtful. I have already talked to him about it 3 or 4 times. I keep thinking if I say the right thing he will get it. But I haven’t succeeded yet, so I should probably let it go.

Edited March 12, 2019 by lovinmyboys

[Sneezyone]

8 hours ago, KungFuPanda said:

Can you just post your rebuttal and move on like it's a friendly debate? This way both sides are presented and you can feel like you've neutralized the misinformation. He has a right to state his opinion and you won't agree on everything.  Maybe you can work on being comfortable agreeing to disagree and compartmentalize this so it doesn't sour your enjoyment of the relationship.  Every person you know and love has something that they will disagree with you over.  You just KNOW about this.  Also, your DH doesn't represent his entire profession so maybe it isn't really a personal attack. You can believe the government is corrupt and still think Aunt Sally who works at the Social Security office is just the greatest person ever. 

People are allowed to believe things that are untrue.  It's maddening, but they are.

 

I have had good success doing this but my dad still has the ability to reason. If a claim is thoroughly debunked, he's been able to say so publically and we move on. Ultimately, I told my dad that I am the (mostly) compassionate person that I am because he set that example for me. I told him that I'm not sure what's occurred in the last 10 years to make him rethink those positions but I'm not going to give up on my fellow man and crawl into my shell with barbed wire around it in hopes of keeping change at bay. He seemed to respect that and appreciate the credit I gave him for raising a (mostly) decent human being.

Edited March 12, 2019 by Sneezyone

[unsinkable]

Not on FB my DH experienced something similar. He is one of the few siblings or sibling spouses that did not work for the family business and his dad would always make nasty comments about where my DH did work...that is was a sh!thole and only mentally ill people worked there, and variations on that theme.

You'd think he was working at a strip club. Nope,. It is a highly regarded Level 1 trauma hospital and my DH is part of a team that saves hundreds of patients a year. DH would ignore him completely and I 'd try to defend both the hospital and DH, his son! It didn't do any good. My FIL repeated garbage like that until he (FIL) died.

DH had the right idea, to ignore him.

[Shoeless]

2 hours ago, lovinmyboys said:

 I keep thinking if I say the right thing he will get it. But I haven’t succeeded yet, so I should probably let it go.

 

I have a Dad like this.  My Dad is a horrible gossip and will make up stories about his relatives for reasons I can't relate to, (like insisting my cousin is gay when she is not, and refusing to listen to anyone who tried to reason with him).     

If you've tried 3 or 4 times now and he still isn't getting it, then he probably won't ever get it or doesn't want to get it.  It seems like the positive things your Dad gets out of posting this nonsense outweigh the negative of insulting you and your husband.  Unfollow your dad on facebook, or maybe even unfriend and block him if you can do it without causing drama.  It will be better for your sanity to limit the opportunities for nonsense.      

[Bluegoat]

12 hours ago, lovinmyboys said:

This is pretty much exactly how I feel, except I do want him to come visit. I just want him to not believe the conspiracy theories over dh, lol. I guess I will just have to ignore that part of him.

I think it just bugs me because I don’t understand what he is thinking. Like how does he know better than Dh what happens at dh’s work?  Dh has been there 10 years and has worked at a few different offices. Plus, he travels to other offices. I think dh has a decent grasp of normal procedure there. I don’t think I am going to understand my dad though, so I am going to try to let that go. He has a right to do things I don’t understand. And really, I don’t think he understands where I am coming from. So, I don’t think he is being intentionally hurtful. I have already talked to him about it 3 or 4 times. I keep thinking if I say the right thing he will get it. But I haven’t succeeded yet, so I should probably let it go.

 

This may be a silly question, but have you asked him to really explain his thinking on this to you?  It might reveal where the real disconnect is.

[HS Mom in NC]

What should you do when someone on the internet is wrong? You have a few options:
1. State what is correct and move on without expecting others to change their behavior.
2. Get your Dori on and start singing, "Just keep scrolling, just keep scrolling..."
3. Unfollow.
Those are the only realistic options I can think of. Those options don't change for your relatives.

The fact that you told him it upsets you and he hasn't changed his behavior the way you would like indicates it's time for you to change your expectations of him and stop investing your feelings in this.  You won't benefit from continuing to want him to change or by thinking about this any more.  He's not going to change.  I'm sorry about that. It really sucks for you that he's that kind of person, but he's not going to change.  Guard your heart and share it with people who value your feelings more because he's not going to change.