Have you successfully taught a young child to stand up to a bully?

[ExcitedMama]

I feel out of my comfort level here. My DD just turned 6 and is the sweetest child. Her extracurricular teachers are always commenting on how happy and great she is. I say that because I don’t want that to change but I’m worried about her. Last week at sports practice I watched as a boy pushed her down. I was shocked. She got up and he pushed her down again. It was very obvious they weren’t playing. By the time I got over there he had done it again. I told the coach but I was seething inside watching her get picked on. We talked about it and I’ve been reminding her to tell the coach or come and get me. 

Yesterday she had Acrobatics. This is part of a dance studio where the kids are in rooms and parents cannot watch. When I pick her up she happily chats with me about her classes (she also has dance) on the way home. It wasn’t until I was putting her to bed that she told me about how a girl was mean to her in class. Apparently this girl cut in front of her and pushed her a few times. DD was too scared to do anything. After seeing what happened at sports I can see how she wouldn’t have said anything. I asked her if she could tell the teacher who she likes but she said no. I can’t be in class to help but obviously will talk to her teacher before class next week. 

As her mom I’m angry that she’s being hurt but realistically I know the bigger issue is that she needs to stand up for herself. As the Acrobatics incident illustrates I obviously cannot always be there to protect or help her. I don’t want this type of situation to happen to her anywhere. I also don’t want it to change her happy sweet disposition. She is very social and loves interacting and making friends at her activities and looks forward to them so I also don’t want that to change. Last year when my DS was 7 he had a similar situation at baseball. It wasn’t so much being picked on as it was being exposed to the group dynamic of boys on his team who were very differently manned than the homeschool kids he’s usually around. They were rough with each other physically and would spit seeds at each other. The other parents didn’t get involved even when some of the boys were pushing really hard. DS did not feel comfortable saying anything to them as much as we tried talking to him about it. Instead he mostly avoided them and doesn’t want to do team sports anymore. This year there’s a boy on his swim team who misbehaves. Again I don’t think he’s really trying to target anyone or be a bully do much as he’s not well disciplined. He pushes the other kids and is always splashing them. This time DS has no problem telling him to knock it off. DS does get more annoyed when the boys are misbehaving in the locker room and just tries to stay out of it. I’m glad he’s doing better with navigating these issues which has me wondering if there’s much I can do for DD or if it’s something that she will get better at with time/age? DS is naturally much more self-assured and confident though so I was surprised last year when he wasn’t comfortable standing up for himself. 

DS has also been a bully to DD at more times than I would like so I was hoping DD would be more confident standing up for herself having dealt with this before. Any advice on how to help her? Do I just keep reiterating what she should do until she’s able to? I’d love to hear your experiences with this. Thanks so much!

[MysteryJen]

I am sorry for your DD. I don't think my experience will help you, because I think girl on girl bullying is much harder to deal with than boy on boy bullying. My ds3 was about 6 when he really started getting picked on by a kid his own age (but much bigger). Lots of pushing around, calling names, just generally being a jerk (and no he hasn't grown out of it now). We were leaving his house after a family dinner (we do like his parents- but their kids have definitely pushed us apart), when the bully was running around in the front yard carrying a football and yelling, "hey ds3 you're such a baby and you're too slow to catch me and too weak to tackle me."

Unbeknownst to the bully, ds3 had been playing rugby. Ds3 looked at me and I nodded. He then took off and executed a perfect rugby tackle that landed the kid flat on his back gasping for air like a fish. It was a drop the mic moment for ds3 and we all climbed in the van and waved goodbye to the parents who had watched the whole thing. 

He never picked on ds3 again. 

That's all I've got. Girl on girl we have been almost completely unsuccessful in dealing with it.

[SKL]

At that age, I suggest you tell her to LOUDLY respond to the aggressor's face, "you're not allowed to ___ me!"  Loud enough so the teacher / coach becomes immediately aware and deals with it.  Meanwhile your daughter is showing the aggressor (and herself!) that she does not take abuse quietly.  As your child is quiet, she may benefit from some role playing at home before it happens in real life.

If the teacher / coach is aware but does not deal with it, IMO your daughter should be allowed to physically push back.  Tell her you will not punish her for hitting in self-defense.

[Rachel]

My son was bullied by a kid who kept hitting him in the back, leaving bruises a couple different times. He likes the kid and is good friends with the boy’s brother.

I told my son to tell him loudly, “Stop hitting me. I don’t like it and I won’t play with you if you hit me.” The next few times we were around them, I kept an eye on the boys and let my son handle it the first time. When the boy started in again, I told him he had been asked to stop. He has stopped but we have also stopped intentionally hanging around him. 

Edited October 3, 2018 by Rachel
Missing word.

[prairiewindmomma]

We've had to deal with some mild bullying this year.  

With re: to the pushing, with a 6 yo, I think SKL's tip to loudly name the name and the inappropriate behavior is probably right on, but she's got to nail the tone.  "Bully's name, you're not supposed to knock people over!" Then she's got to get up, brush off, stare him down and then walk away. If he starts it again, she needs to say something like, "Bully's name, you need to stop right now."  Practice over and over with her until she has the words and she remembers the plan.

The girl on girl bullying really sucks. We had some queen bee drama this year and my dd changed friend groups.  Sure enough, eventually queen bee treated all of her subordinate bees badly enough that they've started to defect over to the different friend group.  It took dd some time to feel confident that life would be ok without this girl's approval.  IMO, that's the hardest thing to change---helping dd gain enough perspective to realize that she wouldn't want to be friends with someone who is treating her badly.   On this point, I would really work on building up dd, because the girl on girl bullying only gets worse and so many girls end up getting crushed by and sucked into queen bee dynamics (which is bullying on steroids because it messes with your mind).

[desertflower]

I'm so sorry that your dd has to go through this. 

My children are experiencing bullying to a certain degree too.  I agree with mysteryjen and skl on how to handle the situation.  We just practiced last night.  I at first was opposed for my son to hitting someone else.  But then I finally realized that if he doesn't do something, this boy will keep coming back. In fact his antics are amping up.  We have had it and told the proper authorities in the school, and practiced last night what to do the next time the boy takes my son's cookie from his plate.   

I hope she doesn't get bullied again. 

[ExcitedMama]

Unfortunately when we talking about it last night I tried to encourage her in how to talk to the bully and it did not go well. I had trying getting her to tell the bully to knock it off (“don’t hurt/touch me”) but she said she couldn’t do it. I try to get her to just say “no” loudly, hoping it would stop the behavior and get the teacher’s attention but she said she couldn’t. I know if she can’t even imagine saying it with me when it’s just her talking to me she won’t be able to say it when she needs to.  

I had trying getting them into martial arts and tried about 6 different places, which are all the ones near us, but they hated them all. I had liked the idea of encouraging that inner strength but it wasn’t for them. That’s what’s extra frustrating about this because it was so hard to find activities they really like that I don’t want her to start disliking this place because of bullying when she loves the activity itself. 

[klmama]

Does she like dolls or stuffed animals?  Maybe you could start with play to get her to verbalize a "no" on behalf of a favorite toy.

[ExcitedMama]

She just said she wouldn’t be able to speak up and even say no. I think she just knows she wouldn’t be comfortable with that. 

Thanks Klmama! Instead of just talking about it I will see if acting it out with her toys might help her. 

[Rosie_0801]

I'd ask her brother to help teach her.

[Ausmumof3]

I’m feeling cynical today.  Thing is your dd is right.  Saying “stop you aren’t allowed to do that” when you are the weaker one only works if the adult in charge will enforce the rules. Otherwise the other kid knows full well whatever the rules say that they are allowed to do it and no one will stop them.  So much antibullying stuff in schools focuses on building resilience in the victim. While that has some value at the end of the day if there’s no back up it just becomes another form of victim blaming. Oh you can’t stand up to a kid twice your size that’s regularly abusing you?  You just lack resilience.

iow

train your kid on what to say but if the coach doesn’t deal you might have to step in and deal yourself unless you want her to get the message that no one cares.

[ktgrok]

How about the buddy system - does she have friends on the team she can stick close to?

[catz]

I think loudly calling out bad behavior, hopefully within hearing range of an adult in charge is a good way to teach this.  I also think the subtle art of just ignoring minor stuff can really defuse a bully trying to get a rise out of you.

I have to say for my kids who are teens now some of the BEST conversations we had in this regard when they were younger was talking about how when other people are mean and nasty it's not about you.  It's about them.  And we talk about how someone might be feeling so bad they need to lash out.  And why sometimes when bodies and minds are still growing kids can make bad decisions and we don't need to hold a grudge forever.   And some people we just need to steer clear from and that's fine.  I really HATE kids stuff where the tone is WE ARE ALL FRIENDS.  You never go to adult event with that tone. Some people get along better than others and that is just fine.  

[Junie]

1 hour ago, FuzzyCatz said:

I think loudly calling out bad behavior, hopefully within hearing range of an adult in charge is a good way to teach this.  I also think the subtle art of just ignoring minor stuff can really defuse a bully trying to get a rise out of you.

I have to say for my kids who are teens now some of the BEST conversations we had in this regard when they were younger was talking about how when other people are mean and nasty it's not about you.  It's about them.  And we talk about how someone might be feeling so bad they need to lash out.  And why sometimes when bodies and minds are still growing kids can make bad decisions and we don't need to hold a grudge forever.   And some people we just need to steer clear from and that's fine.  I really HATE kids stuff where the tone is WE ARE ALL FRIENDS.  You never go to adult event with that tone. Some people get along better than others and that is just fine.  

Especially this.

I was not treated well in school, but it helped to know that it was because there was something going on with the other person and not with me.

I would have been very uncomfortable calling out another person like that.  I did report a kid to a teacher once and it was taken care of.   Mostly, I just learned to not let my feelings show if someone was bothering me.  Then, I learned (mostly) to actually not let it bother me.

OP, hugs to your dd.

 

 

[Farrar]

I agree with the above. She needs to practice naming the behavior. If possible, loudly and clearly. But even just naming it to you will help.

I'll add... I don't know if "standing up for oneself" is the best way to make kids bullyproof. My kids were bullyproof growing up... now that they're teens, the dynamics are so different that I don't know if I'd say that anymore, but it was definitely true when they were little. I watched multiple times when they were in situations where kids were cruel, sometimes repeatedly, and they just didn't get it. They did name the behavior as mean or unfair and what it was - cutting in line, pushing, name calling, threats, kicking dirt at them, even being manipulative, whatever. But they didn't always stop it or tell an adult - sometimes kids just bowled right over them.

However, they were always like, "Why is bully like that? Don't they realize how pointless that is?" And I think the reason they felt that way was that they were sure of themselves and knew they were better off not behaving that way. Also they always had safe places where there were no bullies. So if a kid was mean at soccer or something, they knew co-op and various other places were going to be safe. So they could look at it and think, this is not the norm. This other kid is not the way the world is or should be. I know this is a little simplistic - it can be hard to create those spaces and shore up kids' self-esteem sometimes. But also, I think it's worth putting some effort into that as well.

Edited October 4, 2018 by Farrar

[Mommyof1]

I was bullied thoughtout elementary school by one person. Teachers didnt stop it. My parents knew and told me I was allowed to defend myself if she threw the first punch and I wouldnt get in trouble. I wouldnt do it. I didnt want to hit anyone. Yes, I told her to stop but that didnt do anything. She was verbally and physically abusive to me. No one either adult or child stopped it for me. My pissy hormonal preteen (I need some chocolate) self did when she caught me on a bad pms day. I didnt hit her but I made her stop.

My DD5 was dealing with a boy (at the pool this past summer) who kept splashing her and pouring water on her head. She said she told the life guard who did nothing. She came to me and I told her to splash him back. She did and he wouldnt stop even though she told him to multiple times. He wasnt doing it to just her but to other kids in the pool (no it wasnt playful either). The life guard knew before it happened to my daughter because she was the one who told us about the kid when we first got there. When it happened again and my daughter was crying. I walked over to him and I told him, very clearly, to stay away from my daughter. He looked like he could care less what I was saying but he didnt go near her again. Finally the life guard spoke to the kid when he poured water over a morhers head while she was holding her infant. The woman was looking directly at the lifeguard when it happened. That was the only reason she stepped in.The boys mom was too busy chatting with friends and playing on the phone. FYI it was zero depth pool for kids under 6. So parents are required to be present and watch their kids.

Your daughter doesnt want to fight or speak up for herself so someone else needs too until she is ready to do it.

 

[Reefgazer]

There is no nice way to stand up to a repeated bully except to dish it back in kind; in most cases, that will put a stop to it.  Telling the teacher to make it stop on the bullied child's behalf will drive the bully deeper undercover with the bullying.  Talking it out won't help - bullies know what they are doing is wrong and don't actually need that talk. 

My DS was not an aggressive toddler, and he is not an aggressive teen now.  He was bullied in preschool by 2 boys who were half his size.  I sat there and watched it happen, hoping my DS would stand up for himself, but he didn't.  So the next time it happened, I told DS to walk up to the child who had repeatedly grabbed his toy and simply take it back.  He did, and looked kind of surprised that he was successful in getting it back.  These "stand up for yourself" lessons went on for a while, but my DS eventually got the message.  The responses he had to dish out in preschool were not particularly violent; he just needed to be taught to stand up for himself and learn that others didn't have a right to take toys out of his hand.  As a preteen, a neighborhood boy tried to physically pick on my DS, and I had to tell him to fight back as hard as he needed to in order to send the message that the bullying wasn't going to be tolerated.  I flat out told my DS to dish out what he got, as hard as he had to in order to make it stop.  Well, he nearly broke the kid's finger and the parents were mad enough that the kid was not allowed to socialize with my DS.  *Shrug*  The kid never bullied my DS again, so we accomplished what we set out to do, and we don't particularly miss the bully's company, either.  It was important for me to teach my kid to fight back and stand up for himself, or he would have been eaten alive at our local middle school.

Edited October 4, 2018 by Reefgazer

[Reefgazer]

10 hours ago, MysteryJen said:

I am sorry for your DD. I don't think my experience will help you, because I think girl on girl bullying is much harder to deal with than boy on boy bullying. My ds3 was about 6 when he really started getting picked on by a kid his own age (but much bigger). Lots of pushing around, calling names, just generally being a jerk (and no he hasn't grown out of it now). We were leaving his house after a family dinner (we do like his parents- but their kids have definitely pushed us apart), when the bully was running around in the front yard carrying a football and yelling, "hey ds3 you're such a baby and you're too slow to catch me and too weak to tackle me."

Unbeknownst to the bully, ds3 had been playing rugby. Ds3 looked at me and I nodded. He then took off and executed a perfect rugby tackle that landed the kid flat on his back gasping for air like a fish. It was a drop the mic moment for ds3 and we all climbed in the van and waved goodbye to the parents who had watched the whole thing. 

He never picked on ds3 again. 

That's all I've got. Girl on girl we have been almost completely unsuccessful in dealing with it.

I agree girl on girl is harder to deflect.  I managed deal with it by telling DD, from a young age and repeatedly, to cut such bullying girls out of her social circle because they are poison and don't deserve her as a friend.  But the "dish back what exactly you get" worked here, as well.  Just what needed to be dished was different.

[kiwik]

I wouldn't have my six year old in an activity that didn't allow me to observe but that doesn't help any.