DNA Testing - half siblings question

[easypeasy]

Reading the DNA threads always makes me jittery because I’m unsure how this could work. 

Let’s assume someone has a half-sibling out there somewhere. Can I assume that, if my extended relatives (cousins, aunts, uncles... not full-siblings or parents) did the DNA testing that the half-sibling or their children could be “matched up” and could contact those family members... potentially leading the half-sibling to my doorstep?

[Carrie12345]

Yes.

There are several people (well, probably more, but I haven't sifted through all 1,000+) in my matches who were adopted, have parents who were adopted, or don't know who their biological father is.  I haven't been able to solve any of their mysteries, but I have narrowed a couple down to certain branches based on our shared matches.

[Scarlett]

6 hours ago, easypeasy said:

Reading the DNA threads always makes me jittery because I’m unsure how this could work. 

Let’s assume someone has a half-sibling out there somewhere. Can I assume that, if my extended relatives (cousins, aunts, uncles... not full-siblings or parents) did the DNA testing that the half-sibling or their children could be “matched up” and could contact those family members... potentially leading the half-sibling to my doorstep?

Yes.  My mom found her half sibling by first identifying her paternal uncle.  

[Carrie12345]

1 hour ago, Plum Crazy said:

They don't show any information on living relatives outside of the direct match, and that is voluntary. The person searching would have to do more research or contact the match on their list and get information from them. 

That's not necessarily true, depending on what service is being used and how closely related the matches are. 

If I were to have a close match (say, 1st cousin) with DNA markers that overlap the matches I've sorted into my specific branches, I could come pretty close to identifying where that person got their DNA.  Like, if I had two uncles (who didn't do DNA,) I wouldn't be able to tell which one had a kid, but still know that it was one of them.  If I only had one uncle... surprise!

(P.S.  I only have one uncle.)

Edited August 8, 2018 by Carrie12345

[Scarlett]

1 hour ago, Carrie12345 said:

That's not necessarily true, depending on what service is being used and how closely related the matches are. 

If I were to have a close match (say, 1st cousin) with DNA markers that overlap the matches I've sorted into my specific branches, I could come pretty close to identifying where that person got their DNA.  Like, if I had two uncles (who didn't do DNA,) I wouldn't be able to tell which one had a kid, but still know that it was one of them.  If I only had one uncle... surprise!

(P.S.  I only have one uncle.)

Yes, this was similar to how my mom's discovery worked.  She 'found' a first cousin but he refused to speak with her.  His name was Ray....Clearly Ray's father/or sister and my mom's father are brothers...then she 'found' a more distant cousin named Rachael who did talk to her and discovered that Ray is Rachael's grandfather.  Rachael gave my mom enough info that she was able to find a family tree which shows Ray's father John had a brother Levi.  There were only 2 of them.  She knew then that Levi had to be her father.  Family trees lead her to one of the children of Levi--Juanita--who is 84.  My mom spoke to her and Juanita agreed to do dna testing and that confirmed that they were half siblings.  Thus my mom's bio dad, although long dead, was identified.

Amazing times to live in.

[SKL]

You can use a pseudonym / initials, and they can contact you in 23andme, but you can stay anonymous.  You may get a message saying "hey, you popped up as a relative, can we connect?" and you can ignore it indefinitely if you aren't comfortable with it.

So if your goal is to connect, you can do that (assuming they want to).  If you don't want to, they won't know anything about you, except what common relatives you have who are non-anonymous in 23andme.

[Scarlett]

9 hours ago, easypeasy said:

Reading the DNA threads always makes me jittery because I’m unsure how this could work. 

Let’s assume someone has a half-sibling out there somewhere. Can I assume that, if my extended relatives (cousins, aunts, uncles... not full-siblings or parents) did the DNA testing that the half-sibling or their children could be “matched up” and could contact those family members... potentially leading the half-sibling to my doorstep?

So I am assuming you don't want to be found by this half sibling?

[Carrie12345]

43 minutes ago, Plum Crazy said:

I'd still call that "further research" though. Where would you get the name of the uncle if they weren't the match and they were still living?

I was trying to point out that if a person is still alive, they are listed only as "living" in family trees and records, making you have to go outside of the dna site. And only the name of the match is provided and that's only if they choose to provide it. Everything else is either "living" or just the last name. 

It would depend on how chatty the DNA testers were.  Some will readily give the name of the uncle.  Others might ignore the info.

The impression I'm getting from the OP is "If I don't put my own DNA test out there, can someone still find me through my relatives' DNA tests?"  The answer is yes, they can, if you have chatty relatives testing.

If my uncle has a kid out there, and that kid and I use the same DNA service, it will be obvious to me that it's my uncle's kid even though my uncle hasn't tested, and I will have to decide what to do with that information if the kid contacts me through the service.

Edited August 8, 2018 by Carrie12345

[easypeasy]

5 hours ago, Scarlett said:

So I am assuming you don't want to be found by this half sibling?

 

This would be correct.

The comments are what I was afraid of. Ugh. Many of my relatives have taken the various DNA tests and have posted our family trees on many public online sources (who thought this was a good idea? OMG, I do not know...). Several extended relatives would think it's "so great" to connect with the half-sibling, but the damage this would do to my core family would be catastrophic (not due to me... but due to a carefully balanced "peace" that has been established for the past several decades...).

Thank you all for the info. The half-sibling has asked for medical information in the past (and was given the information needed), so I will hope that was sufficient and continue to live in half-dread of the inevitability of The Day. ?

[Scarlett]

10 minutes ago, easypeasy said:

 

This would be correct.

The comments are what I was afraid of. Ugh. Many of my relatives have taken the various DNA tests and have posted our family trees on many public online sources (who thought this was a good idea? OMG, I do not know...). Several extended relatives would think it's "so great" to connect with the half-sibling, but the damage this would do to my core family would be catastrophic (not due to me... but due to a carefully balanced "peace" that has been established for the past several decades...).

Thank you all for the info. The half-sibling has asked for medical information in the past (and was given the information needed), so I will hope that was sufficient and continue to live in half-dread of the inevitability of The Day. ?

I know there are situations where a half sibling would be upsetting.  That makes me so sad though.  My half sister and I were kept apart for 28 years by our dad.  She found me on FB 10 years ago and we love each other and are very close now.  And are very sad we did not have more of our life together.  

My best friend was married to a very big cheater....she knows he has a child out there from an affair when he was married to my friend....but he has never admitted who the mother of affair child is or that it even is true.  Suffice to say my friend found evidence that PROVES to her this child exists.  She is divorced from him now and we often wonder when this child will come knocking on either her bio dad's door or my friend's son's door.  I bet he lives in fear of that knock. 

[Janeway]

Yeppers! 

[Janeway]

5 hours ago, easypeasy said:

 

This would be correct.

The comments are what I was afraid of. Ugh. Many of my relatives have taken the various DNA tests and have posted our family trees on many public online sources (who thought this was a good idea? OMG, I do not know...). Several extended relatives would think it's "so great" to connect with the half-sibling, but the damage this would do to my core family would be catastrophic (not due to me... but due to a carefully balanced "peace" that has been established for the past several decades...).

Thank you all for the info. The half-sibling has asked for medical information in the past (and was given the information needed), so I will hope that was sufficient and continue to live in half-dread of the inevitability of The Day. ?

This is actually a big issue for me. My husband might or might not have a birth child from high school. Ugh! HUGE skeleton in the closet. The mom was a train wreck. He was in an all boys school and she was from the all girls school. I don't even want to go in to the story. But she was with a lot of guys and was not sure who the dad was. My husband was a virgin until her. He loved her. He lost his virginity to her. He wanted to marry her when he found out she was pregnant. Then it came out he was only one of three possible fathers. He was always very hurt and devastated. My husband, I do not think was that popular in high school. He was geeky. Good grades and worked hard in school and she was a partier and he felt flattered by attention she gave him. I just do not want anyone from that family to re-appaear. That woman has contacted my husband in to our adult years, even after we were married and had children of our own and tried to convince him to reconnect with her and telling him she would keep it a secret and so on. She even did this after she was married. Ick! She apparently spent some time in jail and other things like that. She worked at a retail store and stole from them. She used to call my husband in the middle of the night, totally trashed drunk, trying to convince him to get back together with her. Remember, he wanted to marry her, even after he found out the baby was possibly not his. She dumped him. MIL kept giving her our number. I just do not want them back in our lives ever. She came to our house at one point and I was super nice to her and she never came back after that again. But really, I just don't want to see her again. My husband never even signed adoption papers so we assumed she just had one of the other possible fathers sign. Just a big huge skeleton and train wreck. 

Edited August 9, 2018 by Janeway

[Scarlett]

10 hours ago, Janeway said:

This is actually a big issue for me. My husband might or might not have a birth child from high school. Ugh! HUGE skeleton in the closet. The mom was a train wreck. He was in an all boys school and she was from the all girls school. I don't even want to go in to the story. But she was with a lot of guys and was not sure who the dad was. My husband was a virgin until her. He loved her. He lost his virginity to her. He wanted to marry her when he found out she was pregnant. Then it came out he was only one of three possible fathers. He was always very hurt and devastated. My husband, I do not think was that popular in high school. He was geeky. Good grades and worked hard in school and she was a partier and he felt flattered by attention she gave him. I just do not want anyone from that family to re-appaear. That woman has contacted my husband in to our adult years, even after we were married and had children of our own and tried to convince him to reconnect with her and telling him she would keep it a secret and so on. She even did this after she was married. Ick! She apparently spent some time in jail and other things like that. She worked at a retail store and stole from them. She used to call my husband in the middle of the night, totally trashed drunk, trying to convince him to get back together with her. Remember, he wanted to marry her, even after he found out the baby was possibly not his. She dumped him. MIL kept giving her our number. I just do not want them back in our lives ever. She came to our house at one point and I was super nice to her and she never came back after that again. But really, I just don't want to see her again. My husband never even signed adoption papers so we assumed she just had one of the other possible fathers sign. Just a big huge skeleton and train wreck. 

It must be terrible for your husband to not really know one way or the other. 

[DawnM]

15 hours ago, Scarlett said:

I know there are situations where a half sibling would be upsetting.  That makes me so sad though.  My half sister and I were kept apart for 28 years by our dad.  She found me on FB 10 years ago and we love each other and are very close now.  And are very sad we did not have more of our life together.  

My best friend was married to a very big cheater....she knows he has a child out there from an affair when he was married to my friend....but he has never admitted who the mother of affair child is or that it even is true.  Suffice to say my friend found evidence that PROVES to her this child exists.  She is divorced from him now and we often wonder when this child will come knocking on either her bio dad's door or my friend's son's door.  I bet he lives in fear of that knock. 

 

It makes me very sad to read through people's response to them having a half sibling or a relative that just isn't good enough for them to contact.  I get that there may be issues, but on the other side of it, if YOU are the one who was given away, or the one whose pieces just aren't put together, you feel rejected once again, and that YOU were somehow at fault and made to feel that you were a mistake, unwanted, not accepted as a human being.

I am on a group with people who are finding out their parent is not really their parent.  The person they were told was, isn't....and some of their stories are tragic and make me cry.  

If there are skeletons, the person you want to stay in there didn't choose to be in there in the first place.

There are no worms in any cans that weren't PUT there by someone, and it wasn't the person who was tossed aside, lied to, or given up.

[DawnM]

On 8/8/2018 at 1:22 AM, easypeasy said:

Reading the DNA threads always makes me jittery because I’m unsure how this could work. 

Let’s assume someone has a half-sibling out there somewhere. Can I assume that, if my extended relatives (cousins, aunts, uncles... not full-siblings or parents) did the DNA testing that the half-sibling or their children could be “matched up” and could contact those family members... potentially leading the half-sibling to my doorstep?

 

Probably not at your doorstep, but you could be contacted, yes.

[Scarlett]

1 minute ago, DawnM said:

 

It makes me very sad to read through people's response to them having a half sibling or a relative that just isn't good enough for them to contact.  I get that there may be issues, but on the other side of it, if YOU are the one who was given away, or the one whose pieces just aren't put together, you feel rejected once again, and that YOU were somehow at fault and made to feel that you were a mistake, unwanted, not accepted as a human being.

I am on a group with people who are finding out their parent is not really their parent.  The person they were told was, isn't....and some of their stories are tragic and make me cry.  

If there are skeletons, the person you want to stay in there didn't choose to be in there in the first place.

There are no worms in any cans that weren't PUT there by someone, and it wasn't the person who was tossed aside, lied to, or given up.

It is a terrible feeling to be rejected by your bio parent.  One can know intellectually that they have done nothing to cause the reaction, and still be very hurt by it.  I met my bio dad and sister for the first time when I was 15.  She was 11.  After that initial meeting he made her promise she would never contact me. And when I called a few years later my bio dad would not even talk to me.  He had his wife tell me they didn't know where my  sister was.  That was a lie.  Eventually my sister realized how wrong it was of our dad to make her promise not to look for me.  28 years after we first met we reconnected.  He STILL didn't like it.  

[J-rap]

At least with 23andme, you can remain anonymous.  You can use a different name, and also change your settings so that your name never shows up as a genetic match for anyone.  

[Katy]

1 hour ago, DawnM said:

 

It makes me very sad to read through people's response to them having a half sibling or a relative that just isn't good enough for them to contact.  I get that there may be issues, but on the other side of it, if YOU are the one who was given away, or the one whose pieces just aren't put together, you feel rejected once again, and that YOU were somehow at fault and made to feel that you were a mistake, unwanted, not accepted as a human being.

I am on a group with people who are finding out their parent is not really their parent.  The person they were told was, isn't....and some of their stories are tragic and make me cry.  

If there are skeletons, the person you want to stay in there didn't choose to be in there in the first place.

There are no worms in any cans that weren't PUT there by someone, and it wasn't the person who was tossed aside, lied to, or given up.

 

Me too.  Especially if the child in question was adopted out as an infant. Who cares if his mom was unstable?  If potential dad(s) loved her, wanted to marry her, and loved the child, it's not the child's fault.  More often than not an unstable teen isn't that way due to genetics, but because of the way their genetics interacted with their environment.  A beloved, wanted, prayed for and longed for adopted child is not as likely to have had that unstable environment and the potential child would likely be just fine.

I'm also against keeping things swept under the rug to begin with though, so it's possible I just don't get it.  The truth always comes out sooner or later.

[Janeway]

1 hour ago, Scarlett said:

It must be terrible for your husband to not really know one way or the other. 

Yep. I think the man was told my husband was not his father, but not sure. He was adopted within the biomom's family. And he has contact with MIL. And MIL sends him money. So years ago, when the man was a teen, husband sent him a letter (mailed it directly to him when he was living away from his parents) to tell him he is here and he would love to hear from him. Instead, it got passed around and made it back to MIL who threw it at dh and screamed at him how dare he contact that boy and that boy wants nothing to do with him and why would that boy want anything to do with him and so on. The last time my husband saw him, the boy was 6 yrs old. He really thought the boy would want to connect. My husband had no legal right to him and really thought when the boy reached the age where he could do his own thing and was on his own, it would happen. Instead, my husband was torn to shreds and humiliated over it. And quite frankly, since then, we found out that MIL gives him tons of money. His interest in DH does not go beyond what money he can get from MIL. And he has a criminal record. He has a drug problem and can barely hold a job. He might or might not be my husband's child. It could go either way. I just really hope not. That whole thing caused so much pain. My husband had so much love for the nasty vile woman and her son and instead, he was torn down and used and rejected. It really affected his life. It is best to move on and never open that door again.

[MaeFlowers]

2 hours ago, DawnM said:

 

It makes me very sad to read through people's response to them having a half sibling or a relative that just isn't good enough for them to contact.  I get that there may be issues, but on the other side of it, if YOU are the one who was given away, or the one whose pieces just aren't put together, you feel rejected once again, and that YOU were somehow at fault and made to feel that you were a mistake, unwanted, not accepted as a human being.

I am on a group with people who are finding out their parent is not really their parent.  The person they were told was, isn't....and some of their stories are tragic and make me cry.  

If there are skeletons, the person you want to stay in there didn't choose to be in there in the first place.

There are no worms in any cans that weren't PUT there by someone, and it wasn't the person who was tossed aside, lied to, or given up.

 

I struggle with this. I think sometimes people chose to stay away. 

I have a half-sister. My Dad didnt reject her, her mother moved to another part of the country when she was very young. I knew about her growing up but didnt know her. She only visited once when I was little. When she married (very young), she stopped contact. She made contact 25 years later and then stopped again.

She knows I exist. Obviously, I know she exists. Her name, where she lives, a little about her family, etc. She knows the same about me. And we don't contact one another.

I have no desire to know her. I have nothing agaisnt her. I just dont see the point. We may share DNA but that doesnt make us family, IYKWIM?

If she did contact me, do you think I am obliged to develop a relationship?  That seems unfair, as well.

Edited August 9, 2018 by MaeFlowers

[Scarlett]

If course not. No one is obligated to develop a relationship with anyone. 

[MaeFlowers]

I guess I just feel like half-siblings are kind of stuck between a rock and a hard place, in a sense. We didn't have anything to do with the situation and shoudn't be held accountable for it.

The OP doesn't want contact and I don't think she should feel bad for that. 

[gardenmom5]

On 8/8/2018 at 6:22 AM, Carrie12345 said:

That's not necessarily true, depending on what service is being used and how closely related the matches are. 

If I were to have a close match (say, 1st cousin) with DNA markers that overlap the matches I've sorted into my specific branches, I could come pretty close to identifying where that person got their DNA.  Like, if I had two uncles (who didn't do DNA,) I wouldn't be able to tell which one had a kid, but still know that it was one of them.  If I only had one uncle... surprise!

(P.S.  I only have one uncle.)

you can also find "common" dna matches.   I did it for genealogy (two lines from mid 1800's), and that has helped with those lines - one I think will not be unraveled as it is a complete mess.  even after connecting with people who match that line.

 

22 hours ago, Carrie12345 said:

It would depend on how chatty the DNA testers were.  Some will readily give the name of the uncle.  Others might ignore the info.

The impression I'm getting from the OP is "If I don't put my own DNA test out there, can someone still find me through my relatives' DNA tests?"  The answer is yes, they can, if you have chatty relatives testing.

If my uncle has a kid out there, and that kid and I use the same DNA service, it will be obvious to me that it's my uncle's kid even though my uncle hasn't tested, and I will have to decide what to do with that information if the kid contacts me through the service.

I had one pop up on 23&me with 25% shared dna - I had no idea she tested, but it's my niece

2 hours ago, J-rap said:

At least with 23andme, you can remain anonymous.  You can use a different name, and also change your settings so that your name never shows up as a genetic match for anyone.  

you can also choose to NOT be matched/contacted.

1 hour ago, Janeway said:

Yep. I think the man was told my husband was not his father, but not sure. He was adopted within the biomom's family. And he has contact with MIL. And MIL sends him money. So years ago, when the man was a teen, husband sent him a letter (mailed it directly to him when he was living away from his parents) to tell him he is here and he would love to hear from him. Instead, it got passed around and made it back to MIL who threw it at dh and screamed at him how dare he contact that boy and that boy wants nothing to do with him and why would that boy want anything to do with him and so on. The last time my husband saw him, the boy was 6 yrs old. He really thought the boy would want to connect. My husband had no legal right to him and really thought when the boy reached the age where he could do his own thing and was on his own, it would happen. Instead, my husband was torn to shreds and humiliated over it. And quite frankly, since then, we found out that MIL gives him tons of money. His interest in DH does not go beyond what money he can get from MIL. And he has a criminal record. He has a drug problem and can barely hold a job. He might or might not be my husband's child. It could go either way. I just really hope not. That whole thing caused so much pain. My husband had so much love for the nasty vile woman and her son and instead, he was torn down and used and rejected. It really affected his life. It is best to move on and never open that door again.

I'm so sorry.  your mil sounds like a real piece of work.

[SKL]

Then there is the possibility / probability that your sibling who was raised with you might have a different father.  Whole other can of worms ....

[Carrie12345]

5 hours ago, MaeFlowers said:

 

I struggle with this. I think sometimes people chose to stay away. 

I have a half-sister. My Dad didnt reject her, her mother moved to another part of the country when she was very young. I knew about her growing up but didnt know her. She only visited once when I was little. When she married (very young), she stopped contact. She made contact 25 years later and then stopped again.

She knows I exist. Obviously, I know she exists. Her name, where she lives, a little about her family, etc. She knows the same about me. And we don't contact one another.

I have no desire to know her. I have nothing agaisnt her. I just dont see the point. We may share DNA but that doesnt make us family, IYKWIM?

If she did contact me, do you think I am obliged to develop a relationship?  That seems unfair, as well.

There is no right or wrong way to be about it.

I have a (much younger) half brother. I love him in a very real "I'll give you a kidney if you need it, and I'll send you money if I win the Powerball" way. We're Facebook friends, but don't really interact. I took my kids to have lunch with him a couple of years ago, when he must have been... 21? 22? I hadn't seen him since he was 4. It wasn't nearly as awkward as one might think. It just is what it is. I consider him family and I would love to have a better relationship, but he's much closer to my kids' ages than my own, so it's weird to attempt a "normal" relationship.  But I'm here if he needs or wants me to be!

[ashfern]

I might have an older half-brother. Would be nice to know as officially I have only sisters.

[Scarlett]

8 hours ago, SKL said:

Then there is the possibility / probability that your sibling who was raised with you might have a different father.  Whole other can of worms ....

I think kids born of affairs present the biggest challenge.  To acknowledge the child is to acknowledge the affair.  And many people are loathe to do that.  But again it comes back to not covering things up......if people would just 'own it' and move on life really doesn't have to be so complicated.  

Not sure if that is your family situation ..but it just made me think of that.  

[katilac]

4 hours ago, Scarlett said:

 if people would just 'own it' and move on life really doesn't have to be so complicated.   

 

 

This times 1,000. 

[gstharr]

I've followed this post for several days now and have read every post. I was hesitant to join in the conversation because not sure how to address it.  Foremost from my work experience, I would never voluntary put my DNA into public database for any reason. On the personal side, I was adopted as a very young child, and shortly after the adoption, my adopted father disappeared.  Sometime when I was around 20, my mother (adopted of course) told me that she had found that runaway,  She asked if I wanted to speak to him.  I told I had absolutely no interest and had nothing to say.to him.   I have no interest in finding out that my bio parents, or adopted father, had children that they kept and reared.. They could homeless and need a liver, I don't give a S==T.  Now that I have a son, i am convinced I did what was best for me emotionally.  There have been times when I did not have money for my son, so I spent more time doing things with him.  There have been times when I didn't have time to spend with my son, so I paid for everything he could possibly need.  But, at no  time did I not try to provide for him.  This is the part that is troubling for me--how to forgive complete neglect.  

[DawnM]

6 hours ago, gstharr said:

I've followed this post for several days now and have read every post. I was hesitant to join in the conversation because not sure how to address it.  Foremost from my work experience, I would never voluntary put my DNA into public database for any reason. On the personal side, I was adopted as a very young child, and shortly after the adoption, my adopted father disappeared.  Sometime when I was around 20, my mother (adopted of course) told me that she had found that runaway,  She asked if I wanted to speak to him.  I told I had absolutely no interest and had nothing to say.to him.   I have no interest in finding out that my bio parents, or adopted father, had children that they kept and reared.. They could homeless and need a liver, I don't give a S==T.  Now that I have a son, i am convinced I did what was best for me emotionally.  There have been times when I did not have money for my son, so I spent more time doing things with him.  There have been times when I didn't have time to spend with my son, so I paid for everything he could possibly need.  But, at no  time did I not try to provide for him.  This is the part that is troubling for me--how to forgive complete neglect.  

 

See, and I don't see it as neglect at all.  I see it as the ultimate care and concern to give you up when they  know they can't provide.  I was adopted at birth, I just think my bio parents did the best they knew to do at the time.  It was certainly a different era for one thing.  

 

Edited August 10, 2018 by DawnM

[Scarlett]

5 hours ago, gstharr said:

I've followed this post for several days now and have read every post. I was hesitant to join in the conversation because not sure how to address it.  Foremost from my work experience, I would never voluntary put my DNA into public database for any reason. On the personal side, I was adopted as a very young child, and shortly after the adoption, my adopted father disappeared.  Sometime when I was around 20, my mother (adopted of course) told me that she had found that runaway,  She asked if I wanted to speak to him.  I told I had absolutely no interest and had nothing to say.to him.   I have no interest in finding out that my bio parents, or adopted father, had children that they kept and reared.. They could homeless and need a liver, I don't give a S==T.  Now that I have a son, i am convinced I did what was best for me emotionally.  There have been times when I did not have money for my son, so I spent more time doing things with him.  There have been times when I didn't have time to spend with my son, so I paid for everything he could possibly need.  But, at no  time did I not try to provide for him.  This is the part that is troubling for me--how to forgive complete neglect.  

When someone gives up a child it is almost always because of extreme circumstances.  And people do tend to just do the best they can.  So remaining upset with someone for something they did or didn't do 30, 40 or 50 years ago is generally not healthy.  Whether or not you choose to have that person in your life is another matter.....not related to forgiveness I don't think. Some people just do not have the curiosity to pursue it.  I have DEEEP curiosity about pretty much very thing.  

It is true that if you look up a bio relative you might not like what you find.  But heck, I have relatives that I was raised around that I don't like and have very little to do with.  That is a seperate issue I think.....how you go about establishing boundaries with anyone in your life.  

[Farrar]

I don't feel like I understand the OP's situation. She knows there's a half-sibling already. The half-sibling knows that she or some version of her family exist because they got medical information from them at some point. The cat is out of the bag. The half-sibling isn't going to discover you through DNA testing. They already discovered you and so far seem to have left you alone other than the medical stuff. Even if they see it as an opening for contact, they'll send you a message via the company, and you can ignore it or just say, sorry, we're not interested in further contact. If they've respected the boundaries so far, why would the DNA testing mean they suddenly stopped respecting them?

Is the fear that more half-siblings will be found?

[Farrar]

I also don't totally get some of the comments here about owning it. In the case where I had a conversation about this with someone - a long lost first cousin in another country was found via DNA testing - the missing father had no idea about this child. The mother had never contacted him or had a way to. It was just a consensual fling. I would assume that a decent portion of these long lost relatives fall into that category. I don't think a man is obligated to share his whole sexual history with his adult children, family, cousins, and what have you "just in case" there's a mystery kid back there somewhere.

It's also the case that I don't think people are obliged to disclose an adoption. I mean, isn't the whole line about adoption that you can give your baby the best life possible when you don't feel you're equipped to provide that but didn't want to have  an abortion or missed your opportunity to do so? I think it's personal if you want to share that with your adult children.

Now, I'm sure there are other things families should "own" - the half-grown kids they abandoned, the family they ran out on, the long term affair and children that resulted... 

[DawnM]

14 minutes ago, Farrar said:

I also don't totally get some of the comments here about owning it. In the case where I had a conversation about this with someone - a long lost first cousin in another country was found via DNA testing - the missing father had no idea about this child. The mother had never contacted him or had a way to. It was just a consensual fling. I would assume that a decent portion of these long lost relatives fall into that category. I don't think a man is obligated to share his whole sexual history with his adult children, family, cousins, and what have you "just in case" there's a mystery kid back there somewhere.

It's also the case that I don't think people are obliged to disclose an adoption. I mean, isn't the whole line about adoption that you can give your baby the best life possible when you don't feel you're equipped to provide that but didn't want to have  an abortion or missed your opportunity to do so? I think it's personal if you want to share that with your adult children.

Now, I'm sure there are other things families should "own" - the half-grown kids they abandoned, the family they ran out on, the long term affair and children that resulted... 

 

I don't know the answers to all of your questions.....what moral obligation does the pregnant mother have to tell the father there is a child coming?  What rights does the child have to know where he/she came from?  And on and on the entire thing goes.

It is messy and complicated and many don't want the "sins" of their family brought to light....it tarnishes their reputations, etc.....but what it does to the adoptee (not always, but in many cases) is makes them feel that this is somehow their fault of that they get to be rejected twice.....it isn't their fault and it will never be.  

Edited August 10, 2018 by DawnM

[Janeway]

7 hours ago, gstharr said:

I've followed this post for several days now and have read every post. I was hesitant to join in the conversation because not sure how to address it.  Foremost from my work experience, I would never voluntary put my DNA into public database for any reason. On the personal side, I was adopted as a very young child, and shortly after the adoption, my adopted father disappeared.  Sometime when I was around 20, my mother (adopted of course) told me that she had found that runaway,  She asked if I wanted to speak to him.  I told I had absolutely no interest and had nothing to say.to him.   I have no interest in finding out that my bio parents, or adopted father, had children that they kept and reared.. They could homeless and need a liver, I don't give a S==T.  Now that I have a son, i am convinced I did what was best for me emotionally.  There have been times when I did not have money for my son, so I spent more time doing things with him.  There have been times when I didn't have time to spend with my son, so I paid for everything he could possibly need.  But, at no  time did I not try to provide for him.  This is the part that is troubling for me--how to forgive complete neglect.  

Placing a child for adoption is generally not neglect. I do not know about now, but I recall when I was in college, adoption agencies advertising heavily on campus to try to get babies to place. I had a friend who did not want to place her baby. She was a grad student and the father was a different race. In her case, she got pregnant probably right around graduation with her undergrad degree and found out as she started her grad degree. They were different universities. I do not recall if she told the dad about the baby, but her mom wanted her to rid of the baby and work on her education. She did not want to, but the pressure was enormous. I do recall the adoption agency telling her not to tell the dad she was even pregnant, to claim to not know who the dad was. The mom of my friend contacted an agency and had the agency contacting the friend. I do not know if she ever told the dad. Anyway, she finally folded and placed the baby. She told me she felt like she had no choice. I ran in to her about a year later and she had sunk in to a severe depression. She dropped out of grad school and dropped her friends and cut her mom out of her life. I felt awful for her. Then, a few years later, when I got pregnant with my first, my MIL was flipping angry. My own parents were thrilled. But my MIL gave my name and number to some adoption agency that kept calling me and telling me that my husband was planning to leave me and I would be alone and it was not fair to this child to grow up without a father and so on. The heavy psychological manipulation and pressure was awful. Because I had seen what my friend had been through years earlier, I told them never to call me again. There was no caller ID or whatever back then so I had to start screening my calls. They eventually gave up. 

 

You have no obligation to know who your birth family is. But, don't feel rejected. Unless you know the story and just didn't post it, which is fine, don't assume your birth parents had anything but love for you. It was the male adopter who neglected you and walked out on you. He is the bad one. But, if you don't know what happened with the birth parents, don't assume it is the same. Go read the stories of birth parents and see what many of them have been through and you will see that most people who place their children for adoption (especially once abortion was legal) did it out of an incredible sense of love and experienced as much loss as someone would who had their baby die.

[Selkie]

1 hour ago, Janeway said:

Placing a child for adoption is generally not neglect. I do not know about now, but I recall when I was in college, adoption agencies advertising heavily on campus to try to get babies to place. I had a friend who did not want to place her baby. She was a grad student and the father was a different race. In her case, she got pregnant probably right around graduation with her undergrad degree and found out as she started her grad degree. They were different universities. I do not recall if she told the dad about the baby, but her mom wanted her to rid of the baby and work on her education. She did not want to, but the pressure was enormous. I do recall the adoption agency telling her not to tell the dad she was even pregnant, to claim to not know who the dad was. The mom of my friend contacted an agency and had the agency contacting the friend. I do not know if she ever told the dad. Anyway, she finally folded and placed the baby. She told me she felt like she had no choice. I ran in to her about a year later and she had sunk in to a severe depression. She dropped out of grad school and dropped her friends and cut her mom out of her life. I felt awful for her. Then, a few years later, when I got pregnant with my first, my MIL was flipping angry. My own parents were thrilled. But my MIL gave my name and number to some adoption agency that kept calling me and telling me that my husband was planning to leave me and I would be alone and it was not fair to this child to grow up without a father and so on. The heavy psychological manipulation and pressure was awful. Because I had seen what my friend had been through years earlier, I told them never to call me again. There was no caller ID or whatever back then so I had to start screening my calls. They eventually gave up. 

 

You have no obligation to know who your birth family is. But, don't feel rejected. Unless you know the story and just didn't post it, which is fine, don't assume your birth parents had anything but love for you. It was the male adopter who neglected you and walked out on you. He is the bad one. But, if you don't know what happened with the birth parents, don't assume it is the same. Go read the stories of birth parents and see what many of them have been through and you will see that most people who place their children for adoption (especially once abortion was legal) did it out of an incredible sense of love and experienced as much loss as someone would who had their baby die.

Holy smokes, that is awful!

[Scarlett]

3 hours ago, Farrar said:

I also don't totally get some of the comments here about owning it. In the case where I had a conversation about this with someone - a long lost first cousin in another country was found via DNA testing - the missing father had no idea about this child. The mother had never contacted him or had a way to. It was just a consensual fling. I would assume that a decent portion of these long lost relatives fall into that category. I don't think a man is obligated to share his whole sexual history with his adult children, family, cousins, and what have you "just in case" there's a mystery kid back there somewhere.

It's also the case that I don't think people are obliged to disclose an adoption. I mean, isn't the whole line about adoption that you can give your baby the best life possible when you don't feel you're equipped to provide that but didn't want to have  an abortion or missed your opportunity to do so? I think it's personal if you want to share that with your adult children.

Now, I'm sure there are other things families should "own" - the half-grown kids they abandoned, the family they ran out on, the long term affair and children that resulted... 

I used the phrase 'own it' and I was specifically referring to being terrified of an affair or child of an affair being exposed. Not just some obscure possibility based on foolishness of youth.  

I certainly don't tell me son very single thing I ever did in my life.  But I don't think I could keep something as big as a human being from those closest to me.  Obviously some people feel differently. 

[kiwik]

As someone with 6 half siblings to 3 different mothers and 3 step siblings I feel it is best to remind yourself that you didn't and don't have any control over your family, relax and hope you like any new relatives that turn up.  It is easier than being angry.