Xahm Posted August 5, 2018 Share Posted August 5, 2018 On Facebook just now, one of my friends from high school was debating whether to make a frivolous 25 dollar purchase. She passed, remarking how grown up life is full of hard choices, but paying bills is important. In so many ways this makes me happy as she has really struggled to grow up and get her life on track. In other ways, I'm swaying between envious and scoffing. I'm expecting my fourth kid, my husband is deploying. Real grown up life is hard. It would be nice to be a single adult trying to decide whether to buy a literal toy. But it's also good being fully a grown up instead of stuck in extended adolescence. Our house is paid off. Our parents respect us. We have stability. Clearly I'm not going to post any of this on Facebook, so I'm musing here. My life seems inevitable until I am suddenly reminded how small decisions, multiplied many times, mixed with many factors beyond our control, put us where we are. Does anyone else know what I'm talking about? 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lang Syne Boardie Posted August 5, 2018 Share Posted August 5, 2018 32 minutes ago, xahm said: On Facebook just now, one of my friends from high school was debating whether to make a frivolous 25 dollar purchase. She passed, remarking how grown up life is full of hard choices, but paying bills is important. In so many ways this makes me happy as she has really struggled to grow up and get her life on track. In other ways, I'm swaying between envious and scoffing. I'm expecting my fourth kid, my husband is deploying. Real grown up life is hard. It would be nice to be a single adult trying to decide whether to buy a literal toy. But it's also good being fully a grown up instead of stuck in extended adolescence. Our house is paid off. Our parents respect us. We have stability. Clearly I'm not going to post any of this on Facebook, so I'm musing here. My life seems inevitable until I am suddenly reminded how small decisions, multiplied many times, mixed with many factors beyond our control, put us where we are. Does anyone else know what I'm talking about? I don't understand why you think you have real life and she is stuck in extended adolescence. I also don't understand your post because it sounds like you almost want to envy her a teeny little bit, but then you quickly pivot to what you really think, which is that she should be like you. What am I missing? 7 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HS Mom in NC Posted August 5, 2018 Share Posted August 5, 2018 I get it. I've seen those "hard choice" and "adulting" posts and have to keep myself from replying something like, "Oh honey, the choices get so much harder than that when you actually grow up." but it would just come off as condescending and or one upping or whatever. And I do miss the more carefree days of early adulthood now and then, so I get that too. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carol in Cal. Posted August 5, 2018 Share Posted August 5, 2018 It's so hard to relate to people when a series of decisions makes your paths diverge, and you see the results of that but they don't. When we first joined our present church, all of the other young mothers were focused completely on shopping and decorating their homes. And I was focused on being extraordinarily frugal. It made it extremely hard. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HS Mom in NC Posted August 5, 2018 Share Posted August 5, 2018 3 minutes ago, Tibbie Dunbar said: I don't understand why you think you have real life and she is stuck in extended adolescence. I also don't understand your post because it sounds like you almost want to envy her a teeny little bit, but then you quickly pivot to what you really think, which is that she should be like you. What am I missing? What I see in the OP post is the naivete of the FB friend listing buying a toy as an adulting/hard choice situation while xham knows that's the kind of thing a late teen would classify as adulting. xham compares that to real adulting in her own life: the intensity of parenting littles while pregnant, facing the near future of her spouse serving in active duty, having made the genuinely tough financial decisions required to pay off a house on a service member's modest salary, (or most people's salaries) all which are much more demanding, BUT are much more fulfilling. Comparing current realities probably makes her tired and possibly overwhelmed, so she's a little wistful of less demanding days and would like a break from her reality right now, but then remembers how rich her life is now because her different decisions over the years compared to the FB friend's decisions. 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted August 5, 2018 Share Posted August 5, 2018 I very sincerely doubt that most people share the real hard choices of their life on something like FB. It’s much easier to post the lighter version of whether to spend money on toys or not. Life is not binary. 16 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chris in VA Posted August 5, 2018 Share Posted August 5, 2018 1 hour ago, xahm said: On Facebook just now, one of my friends from high school was debating whether to make a frivolous 25 dollar purchase. She passed, remarking how grown up life is full of hard choices, but paying bills is important. In so many ways this makes me happy as she has really struggled to grow up and get her life on track. In other ways, I'm swaying between envious and scoffing. I'm expecting my fourth kid, my husband is deploying. Real grown up life is hard. It would be nice to be a single adult trying to decide whether to buy a literal toy. But it's also good being fully a grown up instead of stuck in extended adolescence. Our house is paid off. Our parents respect us. We have stability. Clearly I'm not going to post any of this on Facebook, so I'm musing here. My life seems inevitable wiuntil I am suddenly reminded how small decisions, multiplied many times, mixed th many factors beyond our control, put us where we are. Does anyone else know what I'm talking about? I am currently trying to lose weight. I can relate to the idea the small decisions, multiplied many times, mix with many factors beyond my control, brought me to this point. I am trying to very conscious of those small decisions. I'm not very good at that. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TechWife Posted August 5, 2018 Share Posted August 5, 2018 16 minutes ago, Homeschool Mom in AZ said: What I see in the OP post is the naivete of the FB friend listing buying a toy as an adulting/hard choice situation while xham knows that's the kind of thing a late teen would classify as adulting. Perhaps this young lady was simply mourning what she couldn't have - which at this point in time may be financial freedom. That doesn't mean she has the maturity of a "late teen." This single woman has struggled in different ways than the OP has, but that doesn't make her life experiences any more or less real, nor does it mean that the decisions she makes are without consequence. The wife of a service member's life isn't necessarily any more difficult than anyone else's life - it's just different. Some families face medical challenges, some financial challenges, some personal challenges, some professional challenges, like the OP's. There's a saying that goes something like "Don't criticize anyone until you've walked a mile in their shoes." I think that applies in this case. 9 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HS Mom in NC Posted August 5, 2018 Share Posted August 5, 2018 1 minute ago, TechWife said: Perhaps this young lady was simply mourning what she couldn't have - which at this point in time may be financial freedom. That doesn't mean she has the maturity of a "late teen." This single woman has struggled in different ways than the OP has, but that doesn't make her life experiences any more or less real, nor does it mean that the decisions she makes are without consequence. The wife of a service member's life isn't necessarily any more difficult than anyone else's life - it's just different. Some families face medical challenges, some financial challenges, some personal challenges, some professional challenges, like the OP's. There's a saying that goes something like "Don't criticize anyone until you've walked a mile in their shoes." I think that applies in this case. Sure, in the content of not knowing them. But in the context of this being someone the OP knows, she probably has a lot more history with this person being immature for his/her age. She did mention choices along the way, so seems to have some detailed knowledge about the specific poster. And she DID point out that it was about buying a toy. Genuinely mature people don't go to social media to publicly classify not being able to buy a toy as an adult situation or making hard choices unless they're joking about it being a tough choice. Mature people just feel private disappointment that now's not the time and remind themselves that there are more important things. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
happi duck Posted August 5, 2018 Share Posted August 5, 2018 The world makes me weary. Now there are "real" adults? Pride over being fully an adult? Who gets to sit in judgement and decide who is fully adult? Op, I understand you're not going to post your pride on fb but attitudes leak out whether or not we plan it. 8 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rosie_0801 Posted August 5, 2018 Share Posted August 5, 2018 Good. I'm glad she's getting practice on the little uncomfortable decisions instead of getting dumped straight into the worst the Universe might choose to inflict on her. Life "should" allow for the maturation process. Treating adulthood like a light switch which is either on or off is so far out of sync with actual people's realities. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
regentrude Posted August 5, 2018 Share Posted August 5, 2018 (edited) 3 hours ago, xahm said: Real grown up life is hard. It would be nice to be a single adult trying to decide whether to buy a literal toy. But it's also good being fully a grown up instead of stuck in extended adolescence. Our house is paid off. Our parents respect us. We have stability. There is probably a lot more about this friend you know and have not included, but the above sounds very odd without additional background. How is being a single adult not being "fully grown up", but "stuck in extended adolescense"? Why are a paid off house and stability hallmarks of being "fully grown up"? People live full adult lives being single, not owning houses, not having a stable living situation. Edited August 5, 2018 by regentrude 10 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lang Syne Boardie Posted August 5, 2018 Share Posted August 5, 2018 5 minutes ago, regentrude said: There is probably a lot more about this friend you know and have not included, but the above sounds very odd without additional background. How is being a single adult not being "fully grown up", but "stuck in extended adolescense"? Why are a paid off house and stability hallmarks of being "fully grown up"? People live full adult lives being single, not owning houses, not having a stable living situation. I've even met people who don't even *want* lots of kids and a mortgage... 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
regentrude Posted August 5, 2018 Share Posted August 5, 2018 1 minute ago, Tibbie Dunbar said: I've even met people who don't even *want* lots of kids and a mortgage... ... both of which are actually choices 5 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spryte Posted August 5, 2018 Share Posted August 5, 2018 Oh my goodness, the resentment and pride and perhaps envy are simply leaking through the computer. OP, this person obviously bothers you, why not just block her posts? This isn’t worth musing over. It’s good that you are not posting on FB, but I’m sure your friend is aware of the negative judgment. Honestly, kids and a paid off house are not the hallmarks of adulthood. Plenty of people don’t want kids or houses. I spent my early career, into my early 30s, with people who did not want kids (nor did I) and called people who did “breeders.” I still know most of those people, and most don’t have kids or houses, but they are successful, published scientists, some professors, some still out in the field, and are every bit full adults. I found the use of the word “breeders” a bit over the top, though I understood they were referencing continuing our species because they would not. I find the judgement about what makes a full adult similarly over the top. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Xahm Posted August 5, 2018 Author Share Posted August 5, 2018 (edited) I know my post wasn't entirely clear, but they never can be. Like some upthread said, I'm envious at my friend's ability to take the time to stand in a store, polling her friends on Facebook about whether to buy a toy or use the money for expenses. I'm proud of her for reaching a point where she thinks that far ahead as her life has been hard in a lot of ways that I'm sure not going to go into here. And I'm, well, not sure of the way to phrase it, but just struck by the vast differences in our lives. It reminds me why we've drifted apart. Not because her adulting is worse than mine, but because we now have such different concerns. And I know in ten years, we may be more similar again, or she could be this interesting person that occasionally flits into our lives and back out, giving my kids a window into the fact that people have very different lives and there are multiple ways to have a good life. The extended adolescence is very specific to things in her life, and it does seem she's moving out of it, but it's a hard thing. I haven't said anything here that I wouldn't talk with her about gave to face, and I should keep it that way. Edited August 5, 2018 by xahm 2 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Xahm Posted August 5, 2018 Author Share Posted August 5, 2018 3 hours ago, Tibbie Dunbar said: I don't understand why you think you have real life and she is stuck in extended adolescence. I also don't understand your post because it sounds like you almost want to envy her a teeny little bit, but then you quickly pivot to what you really think, which is that she should be like you. What am I missing? I actually envy her a lot, because things feel really hard right now. I don't like that feeling, so my mind jumped to being judgmental as a shield. Then I reminded myself that my life is good, her life is improving, and I can be happy about both those things, even in the middle of stress. I don't think I reached stage three of that until the end of my post, so I don't blame you at all for finding it judgmental. It's probably not the best idea for me to process these things in a public forum like this, but I have few chances to process things through in in-person settings, and clearly I need to process. 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spryte Posted August 5, 2018 Share Posted August 5, 2018 6 minutes ago, xahm said: I actually envy her a lot, because things feel really hard right now. I don't like that feeling, so my mind jumped to being judgmental as a shield. Then I reminded myself that my life is good, her life is improving, and I can be happy about both those things, even in the middle of stress. I don't think I reached stage three of that until the end of my post, so I don't blame you at all for finding it judgmental. It's probably not the best idea for me to process these things in a public forum like this, but I have few chances to process things through in in-person settings, and clearly I need to process. I’m glad you hit the point of feeling happy for her improvements and for yourself, for what you have, however you got there. Hopefully things will get easier for both of you. 2 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lang Syne Boardie Posted August 5, 2018 Share Posted August 5, 2018 10 minutes ago, xahm said: I actually envy her a lot, because things feel really hard right now. I don't like that feeling, so my mind jumped to being judgmental as a shield. Then I reminded myself that my life is good, her life is improving, and I can be happy about both those things, even in the middle of stress. I don't think I reached stage three of that until the end of my post, so I don't blame you at all for finding it judgmental. It's probably not the best idea for me to process these things in a public forum like this, but I have few chances to process things through in in-person settings, and clearly I need to process. I can definitely understand that, especially the bolded. I'm going to decide that I helped you by telling you that you sounded judgy, if it helped you work through your thoughts. LOL I hope things get better soon. I think a lot of us have been there (((xahm))). 5 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Xahm Posted August 5, 2018 Author Share Posted August 5, 2018 1 minute ago, Tibbie Dunbar said: I can definitely understand that, especially the bolded. I'm going to decide that I helped you by telling you that you sounded judgy, if it helped you work through your thoughts. LOL I hope things get better soon. I think a lot of us have been there (((xahm))). Is there a handy acronym for this? Like, I don't want JAWM, I want something that says "Be a little nice, I'm still processing and figuring this stuff out in my head, but I can't figure it out until it comes out of my head and another person reads/hears it." 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carrie12345 Posted August 6, 2018 Share Posted August 6, 2018 When you have history with someone who ha historically made dumb choices, yeah, it's hard to not get frustrated by even relatively petty stuff. I don't neeed to hear my ister's sob story about having to pay for the speeding ticket she got... while driving home from paying he accident ticket, which require money juggling because her insurance is so high after a gabillion car accidents. Without the history, it might be mean to be unsympathetic about the expense of a traffic ticket, but the girl is a train wreck. Well, more like a car wreck! 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chris in VA Posted August 6, 2018 Share Posted August 6, 2018 I think some of the choices that get us to where we are are not our own choices. That can be hard to accept, as well. I consider getting over the lamenting of our own lack of control as a hallmark of maturity. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Another Lynn Posted August 6, 2018 Share Posted August 6, 2018 (((Xahm))) Facing deployment is really tough, especially with little ones and another one on the way. I would hope the forum is a place where you can talk about your feelings and receive support. The fact that you said "I'm swaying between envious and scoffing," sounds more transparent then outright judgmental. And completely understandable considering the burdens you are soon to bear alone. 6 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Soror Posted August 6, 2018 Share Posted August 6, 2018 (edited) 12 hours ago, xahm said: I actually envy her a lot, because things feel really hard right now. I don't like that feeling, so my mind jumped to being judgmental as a shield. Then I reminded myself that my life is good, her life is improving, and I can be happy about both those things, even in the middle of stress. I don't think I reached stage three of that until the end of my post, so I don't blame you at all for finding it judgmental. It's probably not the best idea for me to process these things in a public forum like this, but I have few chances to process things through in in-person settings, and clearly I need to process. (hugs) I'm sorry for your struggles, you're understandably stressed, I hope at least the people in your life give you some grace. It always helps me to type things out to process them as well. I was thinking of somewhat similar things the other day. It's been kind of crappy my way and it seems many of my friends are going through difficult times, it all makes my head and heart hurt. One friend's husband is sick (and has already dealt with lots of health problems), another friend lost a close relative to a tragic accident and has gone through numerous health issues w/ her own Mom and is now facing losing her, one has a husband addicted to porn, another has a husband struggling w/ alcoholism, it just seems like too much. We lost my fil to cancer 3 months ago and have been facing financial hard terms and uncertainty (although on the plus side health issues dh and I have faced are doing much better). It could always be worse but we all just have to deal with the hand we're dealt. I think we're all ready for some sunshine and lollipop kind of days, we're just going to have to make them ourselves. Making lemonade (out of lemons) as I like to say. Trying to turn things around and find the bright spots. Edited August 6, 2018 by soror 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marbel Posted August 6, 2018 Share Posted August 6, 2018 9 hours ago, Chris in VA said: I think some of the choices that get us to where we are are not our own choices. That can be hard to accept, as well. I consider getting over the lamenting of our own lack of control as a hallmark of maturity. Another thing about choices - sometimes we make a choice that seems perfectly right at the time, not just a whim or casual decision, but thoughtful and purposeful and (for those inclined) prayerful - and it doesn't work out the way it was expected to. And then people are tsk-tsking at the stupid choice, except... it wasn't stupid. It may have turned out badly, but that's different. That said, I think I get you, Xahm. Hugs to you. And, you are right, this is a hard place to think out loud. 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Desert Strawberry Posted August 6, 2018 Share Posted August 6, 2018 22 hours ago, xahm said: On Facebook just now, one of my friends from high school was debating whether to make a frivolous 25 dollar purchase. She passed, remarking how grown up life is full of hard choices, but paying bills is important. In so many ways this makes me happy as she has really struggled to grow up and get her life on track. In other ways, I'm swaying between envious and scoffing. I'm expecting my fourth kid, my husband is deploying. Real grown up life is hard. It would be nice to be a single adult trying to decide whether to buy a literal toy. But it's also good being fully a grown up instead of stuck in extended adolescence. Our house is paid off. Our parents respect us. We have stability. Clearly I'm not going to post any of this on Facebook, so I'm musing here. My life seems inevitable until I am suddenly reminded how small decisions, multiplied many times, mixed with many factors beyond our control, put us where we are. Does anyone else know what I'm talking about? I had this exact experience when I first joined Facebook. I was in my early 30s, married for around a decade, we owned our house, had 3 kids, etc. Everyone I knew from high school was partying, "finding themselves", figuring out what they wanted to do with lives, thinking about maybe settling down someday, or not. It was weird. I felt like I was in a time warp. I was stressing over paying for medicine for a sick baby, housekeeping, homeschooling, pediatrician visits, grocery prices. Just completely different lives. Different stages of life. I can't say that I was at all envious, just really, really shocked. Where we were living, I was a bit behind the curve, not having married and had my first child until 25, while most people had started much younger. We were firmly in the home school community, devoting our lives to home and family. The idea of not having that was super disorienting. In the next few years, everyone found a partner, had a kid or two, settled down, and then we were kind of all in the same place in life. We just arrived at different times. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
unsinkable Posted August 6, 2018 Share Posted August 6, 2018 I find that people are strange, when you're a stranger. And faces look ugly when you're alone. Women even seem wicked, when you're unwanted. And bizarrely...streets are uneven when you're down. Good luck, xahm! It's a tough world out there! 2 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GoodGrief Posted August 6, 2018 Share Posted August 6, 2018 There are a lot of different sorts of adult lives, for sure, each with their own pros and cons. I know many people who would love to have kids and a house, but the stars have never aligned for those things to happen for them, and they are making the best of what life has handed them. I wonder if there is possibly a disconnect in posting styles? I could see myself making a humorous-type post about a minor purchase because it is a topic suitable for public/Facebook consumption. I post about minor events frequently and my sense of humor is pretty dry. I could see someone who tends to take things literally might think I'm a touch vapid. My big dog is front and center on my Facebook, but he's not center of my life. It's just that he doesn't mind being out there on social media. :-) I just got back from my mother's memorial service out of town with a lot of wacky relatives in a part of the country with plenty of character. It was an intense event for many reasons (as was my entire life with her), and boy, do I have stories. But no way would I put anything but the most shallow bits out there, out of sensitivity to others. All that to say, I'm not sure that Facebook posts are the best measure of what is going on in a person's life. 7 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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