How closely do you watch private lessons?

[Guinevere]

Thank you!

Edited January 2, 2018 by Guinevere

[Elizabeth86]

I'm a terrible one to ask. I just hate leaving my kids alone with strangers or the thought of it since I never have. I just straight up don't trust people. I hear of countless "good people" that are trusted members of their community that work with kids that have done horrible things. It is impossible to know who you can or cannot trust, so I don't.

[TheReader]

With already 6 mos with the coach, I think it would fall in the responsible parent category to go ahead and let them have the hour lesson, especially if the only thing stopping you is, "but, this guy's a man....."

 

You trust him enough that you approached him to ask for this lesson, you trust him enough that you asked for the lesson when the gym isn't even open (or agreed when he offered that as his only time slot), I think it's only fair that you trust him enough to wait wherever you normally wait when your ds is at practice with him. 

 

 

[mommyoffive]

I am watcher, all the time. 

 

 

Even my older ones I check on during every lesson.   I am there anyway. 

[Ailaena]

I’d be surprised if he was 100% alone based on new rules, but I would probably let my kid do it in your situation provided he understands I’ll walk him in and maybe pop in early and maybe stay randomly.

[Guinevere]

It isnt that he's a man, it's that ds is alone for an hour. I actually said man because I would feel weirder about a woman.

[Monica_in_Switzerland]

If you don't have other time constraints, I'd probably go and take a book.  The coach may even feel more comfortable with that arrangement, as your presence protects BOTH your ds and the coach from unfounded accusations.  

 

Personally, one on one in an empty gym would probably not be ok for me.  One on one in a gym with other coaches/athletes around, ok.  One on one in a music studio where physical contact is very limited, I'd be ok.  But gymnastics requires so much physical contact that I think all around I'd feel more comfortable observing.

[Bootsie]

So long as the coach knew that I might be randomly dropping by (and I had no specific reason to be concerned), I would be comfortable with this.  I have been of the opinion that the benefits of these types of opportunities, of becoming independent and self-confident, are important and outweigh any small risk.  

[OneStepAtATime]

I would drop in periodically (keep it random) at least at first but I would not have an immediate aversion to the lessons without my ever existent presence.  Can you be in the building, though, for at least a bit?  Although this is probably not an issue at all, if there WERE to be an issue your son might be more likely to say something if he had concerns if he knew you were nearby to back him up.  If he felt vulnerable and like he had no support he might feel he had to go along with whatever.  I would also talk to him about appropriate interaction with people in authority, maybe roll play a bit, and encourage an open dialogue about anything that he might feel was making him uncomfortable.  You don't have to tie it to his private lessons.  Just in general.

 

One thing to think about is that private one on one lessons can have a different dynamic so getting a feel for how things are going through direct observation periodically may help you better evaluate if this is a good fit overall, not just whether there might be something nefarious happening.   The coach may be very above board, no nefarious intent whatsoever, and still be a bad fit for one on one instruction.

 

DS had private karate lessons each week for a while (coordination issues) and no one else was in the building during private lessons besides the instructor and DS.  The three instructors rotated private lessons depending on whose schedule was the most open.  Two instructors were real gems.  He thrived.  I dropped in periodically and could see how he was blossoming under their tutelage and was able to use some of what they were doing in private lessons to help DS at home.  Another instructor was frankly emotionally abusive.  It started out pretty subtle so at first I wasn't sure there was an issue.  I noticed, though, that DS would come out of those sessions more withdrawn, less enthusiastic.  I would sit in but not see much.  Still, things felt off.  Certain word choices, a look, etc.  That instructor was more careful how he handled things when I was around.  Eventually he slipped, though, and DS was also better able to articulate his concerns.  He was not a good influence.  I don't mean he was doing something illegal or immoral, but his approach was harmful to my particular child.  Maybe it would have been inspiring to another child.  It was harmful to mine.  (And I don't mean hard work.  DS worked incredibly hard for the other instructors.  I mean emotionally this instructor was causing damage because of his approach with my son).  We stopped allowing private lessons from that instructor.

[AmandaVT]

I don't have any problems with private lessons, but he shouldn't be alone with your son. With everything that's happened with USAG recently, he shouldn't want to be alone in the gym with a student. It sounds like he's a good coach, but I would guess that the gym owner will not want him one on one with a student.

[amy g.]

I watch my kids in lessons. That way when they complain, I know if they are being over sensitive or if there is a real problem.

 

I don’t hesitate to talk to the teacher/coach if I see an issue.

 

My adult kids have had no issues at all adjusting to independent life away from my watchful gaze.

 

So I suppose my answer would be that I leave them alone at lessons when they turn 18.

[gstharr]

I have a 12 y.o. son taking private golf and tennis lessons.  I generally hang around every lesson. Occasionally, I'll run a quick errand. I simply tell the coach that I will be right back-- not where I'm going and for how long.

[Guinevere]

With already 6 mos with the coach, I think it would fall in the responsible parent category to go ahead and let them have the hour lesson, especially if the only thing stopping you is, "but, this guy's a man....."

 

You trust him enough that you approached him to ask for this lesson, you trust him enough that you asked for the lesson when the gym isn't even open (or agreed when he offered that as his only time slot), I think it's only fair that you trust him enough to wait wherever you normally wait when your ds is at practice with him. 

 

The waiting area for parents is actually just off the mats.  I'm trying to decide if I'm going to give MORE freedom, not less.

[Guinevere]

Thank you for your thoughts.  I think I will go with the middle approach.  Some there, some not, but randomly.  

[AmandaVT]

Here is USAG's new "safe sport" policy that was adopted this past summer. It specifically prohibits one-on-one time between a coach and gymnast without another adult in view. I would ask the coach how he's planning on complying with the policy. It's as much for his protection as it is for your son. 

 

https://usagym.org/PDFs/About%20USA%20Gymnastics/safesportpolicy_062617.pdf

 

"1. One-on-one interactions. • An unrelated Covered Adult shall not be alone with a Minor (a) in a private setting, and (b) in any place that is inappropriate to the professional relationship (i.e., a social setting outside the training or competitive environment). A gymnastics activity conducted within the view and/or earshot of another adult is not considered a oneon-one interaction if it presents a meaningful opportunity for interruption."

[SJ.]

Here is USAG's new "safe sport" policy that was adopted this past summer. It specifically prohibits one-on-one time between a coach and gymnast without another adult in view. I would ask the coach how he's planning on complying with the policy. It's as much for his protection as it is for your son.

 

https://usagym.org/PDFs/About%20USA%20Gymnastics/safesportpolicy_062617.pdf

 

"1. One-on-one interactions. • An unrelated Covered Adult shall not be alone with a Minor (a) in a private setting, and (b) in any place that is inappropriate to the professional relationship (i.e., a social setting outside the training or competitive environment). A gymnastics activity conducted within the view and/or earshot of another adult is not considered a oneon-one interaction if it presents a meaningful opportunity for interruption."

I was going to say this. I do not leave my boys alone for private lessons. As mentioned it is for the child's and the instructor's protection. I am surprised that the gym does not have a policy that requires two adults at all times.

[wintermom]

I would stay for a few reasons. Firstly, you will have a better idea of what the coach is actually working on and whether you are getting value for your time and money. Secondly, if the sport is gymnastics, which usually involves some physical contact with spotting and such, you being present will be a positive for both your child and the coach in case there are any concerns. 

 

As a parent to a minor child, you are the primary line of defense and voice for your child both in terms of physical and emotional issues. Your child's sense of independence should be of secondary concern. There are many other ways to increase a child's independence which don't leave them in potentially risky situations.

Edited January 2, 2018 by wintermom

[Angie in VA]

Depends on the child/child's age/sport/instrument/teacher/philosophy. 

 

My kids took Suzuki violin lessons which relies heavily on parental involvement, especially in the beginning. In fact, if the student is very young, the parent actually learns how to play Twinkles! 

 

I confess I was glad when mine had matured enough (age, maturity and advancement in skills) that it became a drop off thing!

[catz]

Depends on the age of the kid.  I sat in kids lessons for YEARS.   I still take notes during my junior in high school's voice lesson because the teacher comes to my house and it gives an hour to knit and listen to music.  LOL.  Both my kids did Suzuki as well so that's just a natural part of the process and other teachers have tolerated it when it's come up.

 

ETA - not having 2 adults or other activities in a gym space does seem weird to me.  I'd be more comfortable if there were other things going on at the same time.   2 deep leadership is a given in many situations.  And there are glass windows on all the doors where my kids do music. 

Edited January 2, 2018 by WoolySocks

[rebcoola]

I leave my DD for privates now because their is another training group in the gym at the same time. 

When that was not the case I stayed it is as much for the safety of the coach as the child.  It is also clearly spelled out in the new usga rules as someone mentioned.

Edited January 2, 2018 by rebcoola

[PinkyandtheBrains.]

 

My being there protects my child, and the adult. So I usually stay. I occasionally run quick errands then come back, but not routinely.

[Carol in Cal.]

I know someone whose son was being groomed for molestation at his violin lessons at age 4.

 

The instructor worked out of referrals from a well known musical instrument store.

 

He was a convicted felon on parole, and was enjoined from being around children at all.  He lived in another city, where he was a registered s%x offender, but sought this job in my city so that he could have some anonymity.

 

My friend thought that his gushing over her son's playing was OTT, and it set off her radar.  It was when her son told her that the man put lotion on his hands to make them softer for playing that she decided to go to the police station and look through their extended area registry binder.  This information was not online at the time--I'm not sure whether it is now or now.

 

She recognized him from his picture.  He had a different name than he was using at the music store, somehow.

 

She was absolutely hysterical, started screaming and crying.  Thankfully she had not brought her kids along.  The police picked up the guy that night, on live television.  He was put away for a while as you might imagine.  Police told her that he probably had a whole bunch of kids of varying ages in the grooming process, and not to worry, he liked kids that were a little older, and so her son probably had not be touched wrong or anything.  

 

A cautionary tale.

[Bluegoat]

I think it's worthwhile to think long term about how this will work.  Presumably at some point people - athletes, music students, regular students, whatever - will be at a point where they will be alone with teachers.  I don't really think that one on one teaching situations for anyone are realistically always going to have a second person or take place in a more public place.

 

Most kids at university age are going to be coping with their own supervision - so when do they start doing it when they still live at home?

[Elizabeth86]

I know someone whose son was being groomed for molestation at his violin lessons at age 4.

 

The instructor worked out of referrals from a well known musical instrument store.

 

He was a convicted felon on parole, and was enjoined from being around children at all. He lived in another city, where he was a registered s%x offender, but sought this job in my city so that he could have some anonymity.

 

My friend thought that his gushing over her son's playing was OTT, and it set off her radar. It was when her son told her that the man put lotion on his hands to make them softer for playing that she decided to go to the police station and look through their extended area registry binder. This information was not online at the time--I'm not sure whether it is now or now.

 

She recognized him from his picture. He had a different name than he was using at the music store, somehow.

 

She was absolutely hysterical, started screaming and crying. Thankfully she had not brought her kids along. The police picked up the guy that night, on live television. He was put away for a while as you might imagine. Police told her that he probably had a whole bunch of kids of varying ages in the grooming process, and not to worry, he liked kids that were a little older, and so her son probably had not be touched wrong or anything.

 

A cautionary tale.

Gah I hate hearing stories like this.

[catz]

I know someone whose son was being groomed for molestation at his violin lessons at age 4.

 

 

I would go as far to say if you want your child younger than age 7 or so in private music lessons, a teacher that doesn't INSIST on the parent sitting in and taking notes to help them practice later is not a good teacher.  The vast majority of these teachers will be Suzuki certified and have years of experience working with young children.  It doesn't even make sense to send a 4 year old to a private music lessons alone IMO as a parent of kids that started Suzuki at 4 and 5. 

 

[Carol in Cal.]

This is the story.  I guess he was 5.

http://www.sfgate.com/news/article/Molesting-charges-for-music-teacher-2875635.php

[mommyoffive]

I know someone whose son was being groomed for molestation at his violin lessons at age 4.

 

The instructor worked out of referrals from a well known musical instrument store.

 

He was a convicted felon on parole, and was enjoined from being around children at all.  He lived in another city, where he was a registered s%x offender, but sought this job in my city so that he could have some anonymity.

 

My friend thought that his gushing over her son's playing was OTT, and it set off her radar.  It was when her son told her that the man put lotion on his hands to make them softer for playing that she decided to go to the police station and look through their extended area registry binder.  This information was not online at the time--I'm not sure whether it is now or now.

 

She recognized him from his picture.  He had a different name than he was using at the music store, somehow.

 

She was absolutely hysterical, started screaming and crying.  Thankfully she had not brought her kids along.  The police picked up the guy that night, on live television.  He was put away for a while as you might imagine.  Police told her that he probably had a whole bunch of kids of varying ages in the grooming process, and not to worry, he liked kids that were a little older, and so her son probably had not be touched wrong or anything.  

 

A cautionary tale.

 

How scary.  

I am glad that she listened to her gut.  I hate that we have to think about this. 

[mommyoffive]

I watch my kids in lessons. That way when they complain, I know if they are being over sensitive or if there is a real problem.

 

I don’t hesitate to talk to the teacher/coach if I see an issue.

 

My adult kids have had no issues at all adjusting to independent life away from my watchful gaze.

 

So I suppose my answer would be that I leave them alone at lessons when they turn 18.

 

Good to know that I am not messing them up for life.   

 

 

Part of it is that I want to know if there is anything bad going on, but I also just enjoy watching them do stuff.  My littles are so young that I would have to be there anyhow so I just stay.  

[amy g.]

Good to know that I am not messing them up for life.

 

 

Part of it is that I want to know if there is anything bad going on, but I also just enjoy watching them do stuff. My littles are so young that I would have to be there anyhow so I just stay.

Also our coaches say that they feel safer knowing I’m always watching. It isn’t just about potential abuse. They said that if a kid complains to their parents, they know the parents will ask me how it really went down.

 

Honestly, their childhood is already so short, it isn’t a hardship to stay with them and watch their activities.

[kiwik]

Depends on the kid and the activity. Ds10 stays on the school bus a few stops longer, gets of at tennis and I pick him up after work. Ds8 I watch like a hawk.