When you go to a kid birthday (age 11) and the invitation says "no gifts," do you bring a little something anyway?

[PaulainTx]

My girls attended a birthday party several years ago.  The invitation said no gifts please.  They were the only ones who did not bring a gift and we were all embarrassed.  

[marbel]

I haven't read all the replies.

 

I've been caught by surprise at "no gift" parties by being the only person who didn't bring a gift.  It's embarrassing.  I've never been to a kid party where "no gifts" was on the invitation and there were no gifts brought.   I wish people would follow the instructions on the invitation.

 

But re: helping to defray the cost.  Guests are not responsible to help pay for parties.  I know in current US culture there is a feeling that weddings have to be subsidized by gifts.  That is wrong, but it's even worse to think that way about a kid's birthday party.   In a way, it's arrogant:  "oh, these people can't possibly afford to throw this party; I'd better be benevolent and send a gift to help make up for their expenditure."  I know that's not what the OP is thinking, but that's how it comes across.  

[catz]

My girls attended a birthday party several years ago.  The invitation said no gifts please.  They were the only ones who did not bring a gift and we were all embarrassed.  

 

But if you succumb to this because you think you'll be embarrassed and bring a gift anyway,  you're making it about you instead of the wishes of the host.  The host was not feeling like you were a slacker.  The host was feeling irritated with the pile of stuff brought into their home that they were trying to avoid.  Even if the kid looked delighted and the parent was gracious.  The host was probably more embarrassed and irritated than you. 

 

As someone who literally feels anxiety about living with people that feel like hoarders, they don't want or need more STUFF in their life.  They just maybe want to have a bigger, more inclusive party.  Maybe they enjoy entertaining.   They may have large families already giving many gifts (true in our case).   I literally have sent unopened stuff to goodwill when my kids were younger.

As an aside, if this is your child's life long best friend, you  and you absolutely NEED to get this child something because you know exactly what would be perfect, etc etc etc notify the parent ahead of time to plan for a hand off NOT in the middle of the party.  That embarrasses other guests and worst of all the host. 

Edited October 8, 2017 by WoolySocks

[marbel]

No I wouldnt bring a gift. Im not sure how cash in a card might be received. I would think anyone could enjoy some cash when they might have enough *stuff* especiay at 11. If you know them well just say hey would it bother you if we brought some cash we feel bad showing up empty handed.

 

Oh gosh no.  It sounds like paying admission.

 

Not related to quoted post:  I wouldn't offer food either, unless it's someone you are good friends with.  Most likely the host has the party all figured out.  If they wanted food they would make it a potluck.

 

Why can't people just accept invitations at face value and follow the wishes of the host?    

 

I guess if you feel you have to take something, take a small hostess gift for the mom - something she can set aside till later, not a bouquet of flowers she has to deal with immediately.  I understand the desire to take a hostess gift.  

Edited October 7, 2017 by marbel

[Sandwalker]

It is best to respect the host's request. Assume that they have excellent reasons for the request.

 

If you are someone who just has to bring something or they may die of embarrassment or something dramatic like that, then call the host and ask what edible treat you may contribute to the party, such as a fruit arrangement, veggie tray, cookies, sparkling water, juice boxes etc.

This ^, or bring flowers or a plant to the hostess.

[Word Nerd]

It is best to respect the host's request. Assume that they have excellent reasons for the request.

 

If you are someone who just has to bring something or they may die of embarrassment or something dramatic like that, then call the host and ask what edible treat you may contribute to the party, such as a fruit arrangement, veggie tray, cookies, sparkling water, juice boxes etc.

What if she stresses that she doesn’t want you (general you) to bring anything? Would some people then refuse a second request to bring nothing yet still consider themselves more polite than those who respected the host enough to do what she asked? Edited October 7, 2017 by Word Nerd

[MEmama]

I don't get why bringing presents is such a big deal to some people. If the invitation requests no gifts, it's probably because the KID (in this case, pre teen) wants it that way. Who cares what the reasons are?

 

Real question for those who would bring one anyway: do you prefer it when people don't honor your requests? When you specifically ask your parents for toys without batteries, are you happy when they ignore you? If you let a friend know your kid freaks out after eating red dye, does it bring you pleasure when she willfully feeds it to your kid anyway? I'm not being snarky, I'm just honestly curious why you think your wishes should overrule those of the birthday child.

[heartlikealion]

Honestly, I don't get the charitable donation thing. Just because someone says "I don't want/need gifts" does not mean "I want you to spend money in another way."

 

:confused1:

 

There was some invite we got several months ago that was kind of vague. It said something like gifts were not necessary but it wasn't a strongly worded "No gifts, please" type thing. It's a family we've known a few years and had gone to each other's parties a handful of times. I ended up giving the birthday girl a pair of cat sunglasses because she loves jaguars. They were a few bucks. In hindsight I should have given the gift to them in the parking lot, but oh well.

 

I used to work at a retail store that sold Amazon gift cards. I knew I'd only seen them in $25 increments. The only places I've seen them in smaller amounts is electronic ones. On Swagbucks ($3, $5 are avail.) or on the actual Amazon site you can order I think any amount you want. I find most gift cards in public places require a min. purchase of $25. But if you go into the retailer (if Amazon was a brick and mortar store, not just a warehouse) you can usually get other amounts.

[Elizabeth86]

Oh, and for everybody talking about charitable donations: Please, please, please ask the recipient (or their parents) first. Sometimes the charity you support is one they abhor - and I don't just mean the obvious ones like "Hm, I wonder what they think about abortion?"

 

I don't want to get into a debate about which charities spend your money more wisely or less wisely, or whatever. Just - ask.

YES!

[Tanaqui]

Amazon sells giftcards in a 3 for 30 pack - each card is $10, but you have to buy all three at once.

[marbel]

Amazon sells giftcards in a 3 for 30 pack - each card is $10, but you have to buy all three at once.

 

This is a good idea, but people need to remember that if the recipient doesn't buy a lot from Amazon, and/or have prime, they are going to end up losing some value due to shipping charges, and/or have to spend more money to get something (unless, of course, they're buying digital content). 

 

I tend sometimes to forget that not everyone is a big Amazon shopper, but I do know people who never shop there, and would end up regifting a gift card.

[heartlikealion]

I think you can do any amount electronically. So basically you could do it discreetly via email if you felt so compelled. In general I think giving the gift card or gift to the hostess would be more awkward than not bringing a gift if it was written loud and clear no gifts.

[Daria]

OK ... I just feel bad not being able to help defray the cost of the birthday party.  I never have parties for my kids so I can't reciprocate that way.

 

For information, this is a boy in their class, not a special friend but he invited the whole class.  From what I gather, pretty much everyone is coming. 

 

Well, hopefully the boy has a blast and that makes it worth it for the parents.  :)

 

I don't see how a gift to the kid, helps defray the costs to the adult.  My kid didn't pay for his birthday parties, and if he got a gift card he didn't spend it on me, or on things I'd otherwise buy.  

[SKL]

I don't see how a gift to the kid, helps defray the costs to the adult.  My kid didn't pay for his birthday parties, and if he got a gift card he didn't spend it on me, or on things I'd otherwise buy.  

 

A lot of people offer their kids a choice of a party OR an expensive birthday gift.  The idea being that the kid will get gifts or money at the party.  If they threw their kid a party and nobody brought gifts, then they would probably feel like they need to buy the kid something in addition to paying for the party.  So indirectly, it costs the parents more if my kids come without a gift.  (I'm talking regular working or middle class folks here, which is what my experience is.)

 

I know that is not the issue when "no gifts" is specified, but I still feel like hey, my kids just cost those people $XX and a lot of stress, and I'm doing nothing in return.  I realize that theoretically my kid's presence is helping to make the party more fun, but still.  I don't feel right about being a drain on someone else's finances.

[SKL]

For the record, it turns out the family's home is pretty small and they are going to move to a bigger home soon (the mom mentioned this).  That may explain why they didn't want gifts.  They might have been fine with $$ gifts, but it's not like you can specify that on your invitation.  :P

[SKL]

And not that this has anything to do with the OP, but the poor kid seemed overwhelmed by the party, as did his dad.  The mom was having a blast.  :P

 

She forgot to do the cake.  Maybe that was why the boy was looking a little sad.  Or maybe he was just really exhausted.

 

This reminds me why I don't ever want to do birthday parties.  :P

[marbel]

A lot of people offer their kids a choice of a party OR an expensive birthday gift.  The idea being that the kid will get gifts or money at the party.  If they threw their kid a party and nobody brought gifts, then they would probably feel like they need to buy the kid something in addition to paying for the party.  So indirectly, it costs the parents more if my kids come without a gift.  (I'm talking regular working or middle class folks here, which is what my experience is.)

 

I know that is not the issue when "no gifts" is specified, but I still feel like hey, my kids just cost those people $XX and a lot of stress, and I'm doing nothing in return.  I realize that theoretically my kid's presence is helping to make the party more fun, but still.  I don't feel right about being a drain on someone else's finances.

 

My kids are well past birthday party age, but it wasn't that long ago.  I have never met anyone who thought (or at least expressed the thought) that you are describing. Young mothers I know now don't think this way.  I really believe you are overthinking this.   If you truly feel that by attending the party you are being a drain on their finances, don't go/send your kids. Seriously.   Or, go but have a party yourself some time to reciprocate.

 

Actually now that I'm typing this, I remember that we didn't have a lot of birthday parties, but my daughter had other types of parties.  Christmas card-making, something involving valentine's day.   So of course gifts were not expected, but nothing else was either.   I would hate to think that someone worried they were being a drain on our finances because I bought some extra construction paper and other craft supplies, and made some cookies.  

[Word Nerd]

You’re definitely overthinking it. ;)

[heartlikealion]

And not that this has anything to do with the OP, but the poor kid seemed overwhelmed by the party, as did his dad. The mom was having a blast. :P

 

She forgot to do the cake. Maybe that was why the boy was looking a little sad. Or maybe he was just really exhausted.

 

This reminds me why I don't ever want to do birthday parties. :P

Was there no cake/dessert or they forgot to sing??

[Ausmumof3]

I've been caught before so I might slip a gift in that you can give or not as people wish. Because I'm one whose been caught at a no gift party where everyone bought gifts. It feels awkward. So now I always have a backup plan.

[SKL]

Was there no cake/dessert or they forgot to sing??

 

I think they had a cake but forgot to serve it.  :P

 

[emmaluv+2more]

How about this: I stopped having parties for my kids because nobody ever honored my no gifts request. I have 4 children. We don't need more junk (and I'm sorry, but most of the gifts tend to be junk). Even if they weren't mostly just "stuff", we don't have space for 10 gifts per kid per year. Plus, my kids have plenty.

 

So guess what? Now no parties at all. It's sad, really. I sincerely wish that people would just respect the no gift request. My kids liked having parties.

[Daria]

A lot of people offer their kids a choice of a party OR an expensive birthday gift. The idea being that the kid will get gifts or money at the party. If they threw their kid a party and nobody brought gifts, then they would probably feel like they need to buy the kid something in addition to paying for the party. So indirectly, it costs the parents more if my kids come without a gift. (I'm talking regular working or middle class folks here, which is what my experience is.)

 

I know that is not the issue when "no gifts" is specified, but I still feel like hey, my kids just cost those people $XX and a lot of stress, and I'm doing nothing in return. I realize that theoretically my kid's presence is helping to make the party more fun, but still. I don't feel right about being a drain on someone else's finances.

But someone who felt that way wouldn't say no gifts would they?

 

I've done the "party or big gift or special experience" thing with my kid, but it never occurred to me I was trading gifts for gifts. DS say the opportunity to be at the party with his friends as the gift. He didn't need stuff on top of that.

[HS Mom in NC]

A lot of people offer their kids a choice of a party OR an expensive birthday gift.The idea being that the kid will get gifts or money at the party.  If they threw their kid a party and nobody brought gifts, then they would probably feel like they need to buy the kid something in addition to paying for the party. 

 

No, your thinking is convoluted.  It's not usually a party or an expensive gift in that situation.  It's usually a party and a modest or small gift from mom and dad.  Even if it wasn't, people bring a gift for the child unless "no gifts" is specified.  So they have party and don't say no gifts, guests bring gifts, everything is fine.

 

So indirectly, it costs the parents more if my kids come without a gift.  (I'm talking regular working or middle class folks here, which is what my experience is.)

 

But your scenario isn't typical of working/middle class folks.  As I pointed out above, you have created a false either or scenario in your head.  No one does what you've described. You're operating based on a fantasy you've created in your head.

 

I know that is not the issue when "no gifts" is specified, but I still feel like hey, my kids just cost those people $XX and a lot of stress, and I'm doing nothing in return. 

 

I'm not trying to be mean here, but you're sending gifts for the wrong reason.  You need to overhaul your thought process on gift giving.  No one wants you to do anything in return.  They're spending time and stress to give their child the gift of a birthday party.  That's lovey in and of itself.  

 

I realize that theoretically my kid's presence is helping to make the party more fun, but still.  I don't feel right about being a drain on someone else's finances.

 

Again, not be mean, but I think you need to see a professional about that.  If accepting an invitation and abiding by what's stated in the invitation equates to being a drain on someone else's finances in your mind, there's a serious perspective problem going on that people on the internet can't help you with.

 

[athomeontheprairie]

This was a timely thread for me.

I would say no gifts. It was clearly stated.

That being said, we went to a "no gift" party today. We were the only ones that didn't bring a gift

Edited October 9, 2017 by athomeontheprairie

[Caroline]

This is a good idea, but people need to remember that if the recipient doesn't buy a lot from Amazon, and/or have prime, they are going to end up losing some value due to shipping charges, and/or have to spend more money to get something (unless, of course, they're buying digital content).

 

I tend sometimes to forget that not everyone is a big Amazon shopper, but I do know people who never shop there, and would end up regifting a gift card.

Yes! I always ask the parents before I get an Amazon gift card. I don't like giving Target gift cards because I feel like I am giving the parent an errand.

[heartlikealion]

This was a timely thread for me.

 

I would say no gifts. It was clearly stated.

 

That being said, we went to a "no gift" pay today. We were the only ones that didn't bring a ghost

 

autocorrect or an early Halloween party? :lol:

 

[Rosika]

How about this: I stopped having parties for my kids because nobody ever honored my no gifts request. I have 4 children. We don't need more junk (and I'm sorry, but most of the gifts tend to be junk). Even if they weren't mostly just "stuff", we don't have space for 10 gifts per kid per year. Plus, my kids have plenty.

 

So guess what? Now no parties at all. It's sad, really. I sincerely wish that people would just respect the no gift request. My kids liked having parties.

 

I agree, this is so sad. I completely understand your perspective and why it's easier to just forego the parties entirely.

 

My sister-in-law only has three kids but they're a year apart and we come from a pretty big family so these kids wanted for nothing. Her solution was to have a single party every year - sometimes it was during summer, usually it was timed to be a back-to-school bash (the boys' birthdays are in August and September). he rented. Most year she rented out a public place and invited everyone they knew, siblings and all. One year she held it at the park and just made it a nerf gun battlefield (she provided the bullets, everyone brought their own guns).

 

The kids got a "party" with friends, and nobody really knew or felt pressured to bring birthday gifts. The rare time a gift was brought, it was put in the car to be opened at home. The boys always wrote thank you notes for those. She did provide cupcakes and some years we sang Happy Birthday (three times, once per kid) but that just depended on the venue. Family and close friends gave gifts privately, on the actual birthdays.

 

It was a win-win. My nephews are young adults now, but they remember those parties very fondly. So do my kids :) 

[athomeontheprairie]

autocorrect or an early Halloween party? :lol:

 

Oh my! Auto correct!

We were the only ones that didn't bring a GIFT. though to be fair, we didn't bring a ghost either..

[Catwoman]

And not that this has anything to do with the OP, but the poor kid seemed overwhelmed by the party, as did his dad.  The mom was having a blast.  :P

 

She forgot to do the cake.  Maybe that was why the boy was looking a little sad.  Or maybe he was just really exhausted.

 

This reminds me why I don't ever want to do birthday parties.  :P

She forgot to do the CAKE??? :svengo:

 

I'm surprised the kid didn't remind her, or one of the other adults didn't mention it.

 

But seriously, who forgets the cake???

[heartlikealion]

She forgot to do the CAKE??? :svengo:

 

I'm surprised the kid didn't remind her, or one of the other adults didn't mention it.

 

But seriously, who forgets the cake???

 

I'm having trouble wrapping my mind around that, too. All I can say is I hope there was some consolation for the birthday kid in extra leftovers.

 

[SKL]

She forgot to do the CAKE??? :svengo:

 

I'm surprised the kid didn't remind her, or one of the other adults didn't mention it.

 

But seriously, who forgets the cake???

 

I think the mom was having so much fun watching the kids' impromptu dance competition in the basement, she lost track of time.  Come 9pm and the guests' parents showed up, and it was really too late to do it at that point.  Kids were falling over exhausted, LOL.

 

No parents stayed with their kids - these were all 6th graders and the party was at a home.  My kids didn't even want me to get out of the car, it was "so embarrassing" to have one's mom walk with them to the party.  :P

[ealp2009]

How about this: I stopped having parties for my kids because nobody ever honored my no gifts request. I have 4 children. We don't need more junk (and I'm sorry, but most of the gifts tend to be junk). Even if they weren't mostly just "stuff", we don't have space for 10 gifts per kid per year. Plus, my kids have plenty.

 

So guess what? Now no parties at all. It's sad, really. I sincerely wish that people would just respect the no gift request. My kids liked having parties.

This is a bummer. I just have family parties because I don't want to deal with the gift thing. But maybe for parents who get gifts they don't want they could talk to the child before hand and have a plan to donate the gifts to a children's hospital or something if people do bring gifts.

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[desertstrawberry5]

OK ... I just feel bad not being able to help defray the cost of the birthday party.  I never have parties for my kids so I can't reciprocate that way.

 

For information, this is a boy in their class, not a special friend but he invited the whole class.  From what I gather, pretty much everyone is coming. 

 

Well, hopefully the boy has a blast and that makes it worth it for the parents.  :)

On the occasions when I throw a party, I ask for no gifts. I don't spend very much, because I am super frugal, and I only spend what I can afford. 

 

Buying my kid a gift I have no place for, and don't want isn't helping my finances. It's presenting me with another problem to deal with. 

[ktgrok]

Usually no. But I might give the child a gift NOT at the party. So, my neighbor's are having a party for their two daughter's birthday. They told me about it and made a big deal about how it is low key and no gifts are needed....but also expressed how the reason for it being low key is that their budget is tight. They feel the party is too casual to justify gifts. But they gave my kid a gift at her party, so I'm thinking I won't bring a gift to the party, but will give them one just when I see them in the neighborhood. Something not crazy, that maybe can be used by both girls together...I'm thinking an art kit or something.