Night Elf Posted August 11, 2017 Share Posted August 11, 2017 My bipolar episodes and anxiety attacks have been increasing and my pdoc is tweaking my meds. I feel awful and am getting tired of doing my same coping skills such as reading the same books and watching the same old game shows on tv. For months, I've been unable to read or watch anything that makes me feel uncomfortable so I have not read or watched anything new. I'm so bored! And now that my bipolar episodes have increased, I'm feeling mentally unhealthy and can't enjoy anything. Today it was all I could do to get out of bed. At least I didn't have anywhere to go at a certain time. I laid around and finally got sick of it so I made myself get up and start doing some much needed housework. I've been doing things in small bites. I got one load of laundry in then watched part of a game show. Then I cleaned my toilet (do you know how hard it is to clean a toilet with tears clouding your eyes?) and went back to the game show. Etc. I managed to get nearly my whole bathroom done and the 3rd load of laundry is in the dryer. I'm proud of myself for getting up and doing stuff but I don't know how much longer I can go on living like this day to day. My pdoc wants to increase one of my meds again and told me to wait until I have another episode to increase it. She wants to see if the episodes have slowed down with the last change of meds. Then she told me to get to a counselor to discuss the rest of the questions I had. Finding a counselor isn't easy! Kaiser doesn't have many so when I called the next available appointment with any therapist at 3 different locations is October. I simply can't wait that long. My DH's company has an Employee Assistance Program that gives me 8 free therapy visits per calendar year. I tried one therapist last week and didn't like her approach. That wasted one of my eight free sessions. So I scheduled a session with a different therapist for next week. I really hope I like her because I don't want to waste my free sessions just trying to find someone I like! When the free visits are over, I have to pay their regular fees and I worry we can't afford it. We're paying for dd's mental health doctor and counselor too. Having two of us in therapy is a lot of money! I don't feel worthy. I feel like putting my problems on the back burner and I know I can't do that but I sure have negative feelings about spending money on myself. I am NOT cooking dinner tonight. I got pizza last night and tonight I'm going out to buy sub sandwiches. Next week, DH is working evenings so I don't have to prepare dinner. I can eat breakfast for dinner or a sandwich. So that's good. I'm hoping I'll start feeling better because I've got to get back into the swing of my life. I'm a housewife and I feel like I've totally fallen down on the job. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
happi duck Posted August 11, 2017 Share Posted August 11, 2017 Many (hugs) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lawana Posted August 11, 2017 Share Posted August 11, 2017 I'm sorry, Beth, that sounds really hard. (((Hugs))) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Debbi in Texas Posted August 11, 2017 Share Posted August 11, 2017 Hugs and prayers to you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
eternalsummer Posted August 11, 2017 Share Posted August 11, 2017 I would try not to feel bad about (potentially, many visits in the future) having to pay out of pocket for psychiatric care. The thing is, we run a small business and the one thing I hate doing for it is buying supplies. Feels like a waste of money for some reason. I also hate paying bills. DH is much more reasonable about it than I am, though, and says (of course) that if we don't buy supplies we can't keep selling the things we make the supplies into. It's a sunk cost, there's no point putting it off or feeling distressed about it. It's like putting gas in the car. The same is true in many ways for psychiatric care for you - if you don't take care of yourself, you eventually will run out of mental gas and won't be functional. Psychiatric care is part of the cost of running you, much like food. Some people have to pay for psychiatric care, others for a specialized diet, others for needed medication for some physical problem, etc. No one just doesn't cost anything. Now of course you have intrinsic worth separate of your function, and should receive care just because you exist, but even if you are looking at it in a utilitarian way (which is how I tend to look at things, esp. when I am feeling blue), it still isn't something to be distressed about. It's the cost of doing business :) 11 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted August 11, 2017 Share Posted August 11, 2017 If you're bored, could you try something like adult coloring or zentangle? Both of those things can be kind of meditative and might help you pass the time without adding any stress. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zoobie Posted August 11, 2017 Share Posted August 11, 2017 :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Katy Posted August 11, 2017 Share Posted August 11, 2017 How about old episodes of TV - something funny that you've seen, like Friends (I think that's on Netflix), or How I Met Your Mother, or the Cosby Show (that popped up as trending in Amazon Instant Video the other day). Or old comedy movies? Is there anything creative that you do that gives you joy? Don't worry about wasting the free session. Just decide if this person is going to help or not. If they help, you may get more out of one session than a lifetime of sessions with someone you don't click with. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kassia Posted August 11, 2017 Share Posted August 11, 2017 :grouphug: I'm sorry you're going through such a rough time. Do what you can to take care of yourself - that's the best thing you can do for your family. I hope you like the next therapist better. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harriet Vane Posted August 12, 2017 Share Posted August 12, 2017 :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jaz Posted August 12, 2017 Share Posted August 12, 2017 I'm sorry. Great job on making the most of your today! :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JudoMom Posted August 12, 2017 Share Posted August 12, 2017 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: I'm sorry that you're struggling, and I'm proud of you for fighting. :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Caclcoca Posted August 12, 2017 Share Posted August 12, 2017 Just remember that you are worthy! Your health is important too. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
J-rap Posted August 12, 2017 Share Posted August 12, 2017 I'm sorry you're going through a rough time. You always seem like such a sweet and sincere person. Try not to worry about using up the 8 sessions. Finding the right person is important. Even if it takes you all 8 sessions just to find the right person, then you will have finally found her and you won't have to worry about starting over again in the future. Your mental health has to take priority, and you will get better! 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MercyA Posted August 12, 2017 Share Posted August 12, 2017 Mental illness sucks. Ask me how I know. ;) I'm a housewife, too, and often feel like a failure because I certainly don't do my work as well as other people. All you can do is the best *you* can do, and that is enough. It is completely fine to make frozen pizza or get takeout or whatever you need to do. Don't worry about it! It's no different than if you had a broken arm or were bedridden with a severe virus. You do the best you can do, and if that's doing some laundry and cleaning a bathroom, I call that a good day with what you are doing through. It is enough. :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Junie Posted August 12, 2017 Share Posted August 12, 2017 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Melissa in Australia Posted August 12, 2017 Share Posted August 12, 2017 Hugs Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Night Elf Posted August 12, 2017 Author Share Posted August 12, 2017 Thanks everyone. I did get in touch with a new counselor yesterday and I have an appointment early next week. I'm crossing my fingers this one goes a lot better. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lizzie in Ma Posted August 12, 2017 Share Posted August 12, 2017 Oh Beth, you are not falling down on the job dear one. You are in survival mode and doing the best you can. Hang in there. I hope and pray new meds and new therapist bring you some light and hope. :grouphug: :grouphug: 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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