I feel a little disillusioned

[bethben]

I started this homeschool journey as an experiment.  My ds was not eligible for public school so I thought I would try kindergarten out with him at home.  By the time he was ready to go to kindergarten, he knew all of the kindergarten material and half of first grade, so I continued to homeschool.  I lived in a small town and surrounded myself with people that were in it for the long haul.  They continued amid many difficult struggles.  They continued even when a whole year had passed without homeschooling at all.  They continued even when multiple children had learning disabilities they couldn't address.  They weren't religious about it, just determined.  I ran co-ops, ran booths at homeschooling conventions, and helped to create a support group that is still running 10 years later.  I was the quintessential homeschool mom.  In a way, it became part of my identity.

 

 

Enter, my daughter.  She had RAD symptoms the first couple of years after we adopted her and while she and I have a good mother/daughter relationship, we have a horrible teacher/student relationship, so she is going to school.  My 16 year old is going to full time community college per his choice and my inability to find face to face classes that would challenge him sufficiently.  Now, I am considering the possibility of having my last homeschool holdout attend full time (which turns out to be part time due to the university style classes) at a different charter school next year.  I have made changes this year that would lead us that direction.  He needs people and is isolated.  I feel like I "should" have been able to keep this up.  But, I just can't.  I know I can't.  We have choices here - a lot of educational choices here and while I may not do this school thing forever, I have a feeling it is going to work well enough that this will be my new path.  I know all the arguments against public school and feel like a sell-out.  Where are my convictions?!?!

 

I'm starting to feel very cynical about the path I took.  I guess it has worked out OK for my kids.  I do have a junior in high school with 9 college credits and a full time schedule there this year.  My 7th grader is spending hours writing a novel (it's not all that good, but hours of writing is practice).  My 4th grader actually knows 4th grade material despite having a really rough start in life.  I've done well with them.  But, it's a new season I guess.  It's like I'm starting over.  

[bettyandbob]

Please remember you got in this to provide the best for your dc. You didn't go in to prove yourself under the label homeschool mom. 

 

So, yes, you've done well and have found what's best for each of your dc. You will continue to guide them, just differently. And you are starting a new direction and that's anxiety producing. You will find joy in your new direction. 

[maize]

You are a wise person to recognize when staying the course is not the best option.

 

Course corrections don't mean we were wrong to ever follow the course we are switching from; we make the best decisions we can for a given time and circumstance, and change direction when that is what seems best under changing circumstancea or knew knowledge and perspective.

Edited July 29, 2017 by maize

[HomeAgain]

It's normal to feel lost when life takes a turn. 

I don't have anything else to add, but know that your feelings are normal and valid.  It doesn't mean you made a mistake, that you have no convictions on the matter.  If life was nice and neat and always went according to plan, it wouldn't be life.  But it sounds like you're in a position where you're struggling with your identity against the identities of your kids.  And it's okay to feel lost and question everything so you find your deep down roots.

[Lady Florida.]

I lived in a small town and surrounded myself with people that were in it for the long haul.  They continued amid many difficult struggles.  They continued even when a whole year had passed without homeschooling at all.  They continued even when multiple children had learning disabilities they couldn't address.  They weren't religious about it, just determined.

 

 What they did might or might not have been the right thing to do. Sometimes continuing through the struggles is the best thing to do, other times changing course is best. Just because they continued doesn't mean everyone should, nor does it even mean they shouldn't have made changes. And a whole year without homeschooling, while not the end of the world, isn't something to look up to. Don't judge yourself by what others did. Don't beat yourself up for not following their footsteps.

 

Enter, my daughter.  She had RAD symptoms the first couple of years after we adopted her and while she and I have a good mother/daughter relationship, we have a horrible teacher/student relationship, so she is going to school.  My 16 year old is going to full time community college per his choice and my inability to find face to face classes that would challenge him sufficiently.  Now, I am considering the possibility of having my last homeschool holdout attend full time (which turns out to be part time due to the university style classes) at a different charter school next year.  I have made changes this year that would lead us that direction.  He needs people and is isolated.  I feel like I "should" have been able to keep this up.  But, I just can't.  I know I can't.  We have choices here - a lot of educational choices here and while I may not do this school thing forever, I have a feeling it is going to work well enough that this will be my new path.  I know all the arguments against public school and feel like a sell-out.  Where are my convictions?!?!

 

Choices are a good thing, and it sounds like you made the best choice for your daughter as well as your other dc. While there are many arguments against public school there are also many arguments for it. There are also arguments for and against homeschooling, private school, and online school. Your convictions are to do what's best for your children and it appears that's what you're doing.

 

I've done well with them.

 

That's what we all want to be able to say, regardless of which education path we chose.

 

I went from public school teacher, to homeschool mom who was very much against factory style schooling (I heard that term and latched onto it and have since dropped it) who thought hs was THE WAY, to someone who realizes that we're fortunate to have choices and that each family must make the choice that works best for them. 

[Monica_in_Switzerland]

I agree with the others.  

 

If each school year, you ask yourself, "What is the next right step for the child in front of me?" and then you take that step, then you are being an authentically good mother, who is not letting bias or pre-conceived notions keep her from looking her children in the eye and giving them what they need in that moment.  

 

Well done!  

[Twolittleboys]

I think it is very wise of you to realize when things have to change. Convictions are great but they should never get in the way of what is best for everyone. It sounds like you have done a great job so far and that the future is looking promising as well. Don't beat yourself up but try to embrace this new part of life!

[JumpyTheFrog]

You are unfairly comparing yourself against people who called a year of non-schooling "homeschooling." That isn't a great accomplishment on their part. It's more or less a year of truancy, right?

 

Good parents see that their kids deserve an education, even if it means sending to school and being considered a sell-out by some. Don't feel bad that you don't believe homeschooling is the #1 right way for all kids, all the time, no matter what the conditions.

[Zoo Keeper]

Of course you still have convictions--the conviction to do what is best for your family. 

 

That best is allowed to change as your family changes.

 

We all grow, learn, and change.  Your love and commitment to your family hasn't changed at all, but circumstances do change, and we have to change our game plan as well.

 

Hugs and prayers for you as you figure all this out-- :grouphug:

[Bluegoat]

I think you did fine.  There are no perfect, one choice paths.

 

I think sometimes the homseschool literature and books make it seem like homeschooling is a path to some radically different outcome.  I think that can end up being a disservice.  Even most kids who get a better education than they would otherwise aren't going to be radically different, or end up as scholars at 16, or anything like that. 

 

It's easy to feel like its been a failure when that happens.

[regentrude]

As others said: you homeschool because it is best for your children, not so you can label yourself a "homeschooling mom" as per conviction. And when homeschooling no longer is the best learning environment for your kids, changing the schooling environment is the best and most loving thing you can do for them. That is not a failure - that is doing the best for the children you have.

Edited July 29, 2017 by regentrude

[EmilyGF]

You're a mother who has homeschooled their children because it was good for them and for the family.

 

You're a mother who is sending her children to school because it is good for them and for the family.

 

Homeschooling is a means to an end, not an end in and of itself. If it becomes otherwise, it is approaching idolatry.

 

Emily

[StephanieZ]

Homeschooling, like parenting, is a one-step-at-a-time process. 

 

IMHO, you are doing a fantastic job. You make the best decisions you can when you get to them, make changes when it's in the best interest of your family, and you keep on keeping on doing the best you can.

 

Parenting becomes much more complicated and more confusing as our kids come close to adulthood, IME. When you're parenting little kids, it's relatively easy (IME, with neurotypical kids w/o major issues) to raise them to be admirable and adorable and perfect in every normal-kid-like way because you control nearly everything in their universe. THey've got to grow up, though, and as you get closer and closer to that transition, it's no longer appropriate or healthy for you to control everything, so they get more and more freedom and more and more influence from the outer world . . . "Perfect" parenting is no longer simple or even possible. Life's just more complicated and more (very important, life-impacting) choices have to be made -- and they have to be made by those growing young people.

 

You aren't making choices based on your ego or your politics . . . you're making choices, and changing your mind, and reevaluating, etc, when those choices need to be made, based on the best interests for your family and your love for your kids. The parents I respect and emulate and admire the most are those who do just what you are doing. 

 

Give yourself credit, and keep on keeping on. 

 

Get ready for the roller-coaster that is parenting young adults. IME, it is truly like beginning all over again, re-learning and re-evaluating the role you play in your kids' lives and your family. It's unsettling to suddenly be a beginner at the parenting thing when your identity has long-been defined by your competence and expertise in the parenting role . . . My oldest will be 21 in just a few months, and my youngest will be 15 before then . . . so I'm right in the thick of the transition from parent-of-kids to parent-of-adults, and it's been a rough few years (for me, not so much for them), and I'm still a beginner. It's getting easier as I have worked to *embrace* the change, but that came after a serious and long period of grieving for the loss of my former role and my despair at no longer being as competent as I used to feel. Heck, I spent an hour getting advice from my older, childless, brother the other night on parenting my 18 year old . . . That would *never* have happened when my kids were littles, as back then, I had very few quandaries and even less need for or respect for input from a childless adult on parenting . . . I've opened up and let go of my need to be the expert, and that really helps emotionally as well as practically. There are resources out there for me to learn how to be good at parenting adults . . . I just have to "go back to school" myself . . .

 

Edited July 29, 2017 by StephanieZ

[maize]

You are unfairly comparing yourself against people who called a year of non-schooling "homeschooling." That isn't a great accomplishment on their part. It's more or less a year of truancy, right?

 

Good parents see that their kids deserve an education, even if it means sending to school and being considered a sell-out by some. Don't feel bad that you don't believe homeschooling is the #1 right way for all kids, all the time, no matter what the conditions.

I wouldn't jump to condemn the other parents either, we know nothing of their circumstances. Sometimes there are perfectly valid reasons to assign academics to a back seat.

 

I've chosen that path with mine from time to time in order to focus our energy on physical and mental health.

[Paige]

Saying you are homeschooling when you don't school or admitting that your kids have LDs with needs you cannot meet and refusing to consider other option where needs can be met is nothing to look up to. It doesn't show homeschooling determination but rather fanaticism and pride and gives real homeschooling parents a bad name.

 

I know all the arguments about public and private schools too, but there are pros and cons to every situation. There are real, valid arguments against or drawbacks to homeschooling as well. No situation is perfect. Our job is to look at the situation and ask which option has the most pros and fewest cons for our particular children and families. Sometimes homeschool wins, and sometimes other schooling options will win. It doesn't mean that a family where homeschool is the best fit is better than the family where public or private schools are the best fits. 

 

It sounds like your children have thrived in homeschool and that's a great thing! They are well prepared. If you can see that they need a different environment now, then it shows you are a concerned parent who sees their needs and put them ahead of your desire to be the perfect homeschoool parent. That's nothing to be ashamed of. My convictions are about doing what's best for my kids, family, and myself- not about sticking with homeschooling no matter what.

 

Disclaimer: I homeschooled my oldest from 3rd-8th grade and put him in HS. My middle ones were homeschooled from 1st-7th and will almost 100% go to school next year. My youngest was homeschooled from 1st-3rd and went to 4th grade at school last year. Situations change. It was a hard choice for me because except for my youngest (who now wishes to be homeschooled again) none of them wanted to go to school again. For us, however, and my kids' specific special needs, I began to see that homeschool was enabling them and preventing their growth. We've tried other options to help them and they haven't worked out. I don't think my situation means everyone should send their kids to school. I still think homeschool is ideal for many kids and families, but I also realize it is not perfect for everyone. People who say homeschool would be best for every child are very naive, IMO. 

[Cinder]

I started this homeschool journey as an experiment.  

 

...

 

But, it's a new season I guess.  It's like I'm starting over.  

 

I can relate to this. Homeschooling my eldest was sort of an experiment. He had learned to write the alphabet at 3yo and was already starting to read on his own at 4yo. He was too young for kindergarten but holding back on learning felt wrong, so I got some K phonics and math and he finished those in a couple months.

 

Many years later his need to compartmentalize things and not being able to separate school from home became a bit of an issue, and we made the decision to send him away to school. It was hard. Hard not having him there. Hard trusting others with something I'd had so much control over. But it was good for all of us as a family.

 

The next year ds2 went. His need was more social and over the years we'd never found a good fit between homeschool groups and even church. He found his people at school. He's in college now, and they're still his people.

 

Now with dd--who's a lot younger than the boys--I'm just a bit burned out. She's attending a university model school part-time. I'm actually ready for her to go full-time but it's not quite the right choice for now. Still, I feel more like school parent than a homeschool parent--and have for the last couple years. It *is* a different season. I hope all these changes go well for your family.

 

[RootAnn]

Have you ever seen the video (or heard the audio) where SWB, the awesome provider of this forum for us & co-author of TWTM, points out that public school probably would have been the best option for one of hers? And how her youngest, now that the boys are gone, is doing private school?

 

I think you are doing the best thing for your kids. Look at the kid you have in front of you & what is best for them each year, whatever that means.

[bethben]

 

 

Parenting becomes much more complicated and more confusing as our kids come close to adulthood, IME. When you're parenting little kids, it's relatively easy (IME, with neurotypical kids w/o major issues) to raise them to be admirable and adorable and perfect in every normal-kid-like way because you control nearly everything in their universe. THey've got to grow up, though, and as you get closer and closer to that transition, it's no longer appropriate or healthy for you to control everything, so they get more and more freedom and more and more influence from the outer world . . . 

 

 

 

That's a big part of it all - losing "control".  It's not a bad thing to lose control over every aspect of my children, but it's a change for sure.  I no longer have control over what two of my children learn or who they learn from.  It's trusting that God has lead me to this point and trusting that God is watching out for them.  A different kind of trust.  Part of the transition for me is finding "me" again.  

[fraidycat]

I homeschooled when it was best for (my kids) for me to homeschool them.

 

Now, I can't provide the level of social interaction (one child) needed and academic accountability (other child - we mix like oil and water many days, it's always a fight!) needed, so it is best for my kids to be in school.

 

Both choices are valid choices based on what is best for all involved.

Edited July 29, 2017 by fraidycat

[J-rap]

Life is more about making the best of our choices and circumstances rather than making the "right" decision, because in most cases, there really isn't a right decision.  We choose a path and go with it, and that's life.  Sometimes we don't even get to choose the path.  It's more about attitude, I think.  Change always comes eventually, sometimes sooner than we think or sometimes not in the direction we had anticipated, and it's often uncomfortable at first.  But humans are pretty resilient.  Just don't go on the path of "what if's" or comparing yourself to others.  Everyone's path is their own.

 

Anyway, those are some things I've learned over the years.  :) 

 

I do find that this feeling of starting a new season seems to happen more often the older I get.

 

[ElizabethB]

You are doing what you think is best for them now, just as you were doing what you thought was best for them then.

 

Plus, they have an awesome educational foundation! My hundreds of remedial students could have used a better foundation. Some of them I recovered to grade level, but others were complex cases or we moved before they could get to grade level. There are a lot of students like that out there.

[KungFuPanda]

Homeschooling was always going to end eventually. Nobody is less of a homeschooler because they didn't exclusively teach their child from K through 12th. The whole point is to meet your child's educational needs. Transitions ARE hard, but you didn't fail. There are no prizes for raising a child who has never seen the inside of a classroom. Not one.