Competitive sport - WWYD

[Plateau Mama]

So my 16yo daughter plays a competitive sport on a travel team. Long story short she wanted to be on a more competitive team this year. We are fine with that to a limit. We gave her our rules and she found a team she absolutly loves. Problem is, it doesn't follow anything we said as far as cost, time commitment, travel. I've met with the coach and I can see why she loves the team.

 

Big issue is cost. Team fees alone are more than double what we have been paying. Daughter has agreed (and so far been keeping up with) paying all travel expenses which will be at least, if not more than team fees.

 

So my question is how much do you think is reasonable to expect a 16 to earn for an activity? Keep in mind that most weekends are taken up doing sport. She works for herself and has the ability to work around practice when they are in town.

[mommytobees]

I'm a strong believer in finding a way to say "yes", but it has to work for the entire family.

 

Cost is double. Daughter, we can only afford $X (X can be what you currently pay or it can be any extra you are willing to put into it). (IF this next part is an option to your family...) We put $H to presents during the year; we are willing to put 1/? of H towards this cost IF you want us to. You are responsible with coming up with the rest. 

 

Are grandparents willing to contribute? If they are, require her to ask.

 

Rather than telling your 16yo if she can or cannot do something, give her the tools to make the choice herself.

 

Kris

[FriedClams]

If you set a budget (time and money), and the team doesn't meet it, then it's a no. I think it's a good life lesson and a teen is old enough to learn it. If she earns the difference I'd be fine with it - so long as it (job and team) doesn't affect school, church, and home responsibilities. And I wouldn't extend credit.

 

Honestly, for us, this extend to everything - cars, colleges, vacations, houses. We budget. We miss out on some things. We have to say no to our kids and ourselves. We're also grateful for all the great things we do have.

Edited October 3, 2016 by FriedClams

[catz]

If this were a positive activity for her, I would try to find a way to make it happen.  However, if it hurt your household budget over all to the point of no padding and this was someone who had a number of siblings coming up behind, I might tell her she needs to make up the difference.  It depends on too many factors just to say what I'd do - household budget, sibling activities, value of activity, teen's ability to earn, what she's using her money for now (is it all going into savings for college?) etc.

 

I do think it's great she's contributing if she has a means to make money.  What she had to contribute and what I'd be willing to contribute would depend on a bunch of factors. 

[Plateau Mama]

I'm a strong believer in finding a way to say "yes", but it has to work for the entire family.

 

Cost is double. Daughter, we can only afford $X (X can be what you currently pay or it can be any extra you are willing to put into it). (IF this next part is an option to your family...) We put $H to presents during the year; we are willing to put 1/? of H towards this cost IF you want us to. You are responsible with coming up with the rest. 

 

Are grandparents willing to contribute? If they are, require her to ask.

 

Rather than telling your 16yo if she can or cannot do something, give her the tools to make the choice herself.

 

Kris

  the issue is this child will work herself to her death if we let her. We had issues last year with her over committing and really, really stressing herself out. I'm trying to decide if the amount she would need to earn is reasonable. By my calculations every penny she earns would go towards this. At what point would you say no, it's too much? I don't want to influence answers so I'm not saying how much, (yet).

If you set a budget (time and money), and the team doesn't meet it, then it's a no. I think it's a good life lesson and a teen is old enough to learn it. If she earns the difference I'd be fine with it - so long as it (job and team) doesn't affect school, church, and home responsibilities. And I wouldn't extend credit.

Honestly, for us, this extend to everything - cars, colleges, vacations, houses. We budget. We miss out on some things. We have to say no to our kids and ourselves. We're also grateful for all the great things we do have.

She would never sacrifice school, but the other things, well....she knows that if she doesn't have money for a tournament she can't go. I did loan her $$ for the first tournament because it came up kinda fast. She has repaid that and has $$ saved.

 

My question is how much do you think is reasonable for a teen to be expected to pay?

[catz]

  the issue is this child will work herself to her death if we let her. We had issues last year with her over committing and really, really stressing herself out. I'm trying to decide if the amount she would need to earn is reasonable. By my calculations every penny she earns would go towards this. At what point would you say no, it's too much? I don't want to influence answers so I'm not saying how much, (yet).

She would never sacrifice school, but the other things, well....she knows that if she doesn't have money for a tournament she can't go. I did loan her $$ for the first tournament because it came up kinda fast. She has repaid that and has $$ saved.

 

My question is how much do you think is reasonable for a teen to be expected to pay?

 

Ok - I think a hard number is hard to say since we don't know the range we're talking.  I'd say a teen who was academically inclined and involved in activities shouldn't work probably more than 10-15 hours a week during the school year.  I'd have no problem setting this as a hard limit for a teen.  If this kid was a saver and not spending money hand over fist, I'd probably want to allow her to save at least half of her earned money for college, launching, etc.  I'd want to allow her a small amount of that for teen mad money (movies with friends, etc).  So maybe 40% of what she can earn working a reasonable number of hours. 

 

Whether or not you are comfortable with the figure left for you to pay, that depends on your budget.

 

ETA - if she would be earning every cent for this one activity, no, I don't think that's a great idea.

Edited October 4, 2016 by WoolySocks

[Plateau Mama]

If this were a positive activity for her, I would try to find a way to make it happen. However, if it hurt your household budget over all to the point of no padding and this was someone who had a number of siblings coming up behind, I might tell her she needs to make up the difference. It depends on too many factors just to say what I'd do - household budget, sibling activities, value of activity, teen's ability to earn, what she's using her money for now (is it all going into savings for college?) etc.

 

I do think it's great she's contributing if she has a means to make money. What she had to contribute and what I'd be willing to contribute would depend on a bunch of factors.

I really want her to play and we've told her she can play, just not for this team. She has two other teams she can play for but she only wants to play for this one.

 

Budget is very tight. What we said we'd pay is equivalent to what we paid in previous year (team fee + travel), which equals just team fees this year. That being said we've added her as a driver and a 3rd car which means we have expenses we didn't have before. We have two other children.

 

As for money she never really earned much before and typically used it on going out with friends and sports equipment. ;-). She makes between $10-25/hour. Is self employed and works in 1-2 hour blocks. She has a couple of consistent clients and a lot of random clients, so her income varies greatly.

[zimom]

 

My question is how much do you think is reasonable for a teen to be expected to pay?

 

I think only you can answer this.  Every family is different, every child is different.  We have one child that has contributed to college in one way (after graduating) and one that is contributing to college while enrolled in college.  They are different kids, they have different personalities, they have different needs.  And yes, the one contributing while in college will work to the bone as she is determined to pay for everything herself.  We allow her to contribute as much as possible as it is important TO HER.  

 

We have yet another child (not in college yet), that I'm sure will contribute an entirely different way, far less monetarily compared to siblings for reasons very unique to her.

[Plateau Mama]

Ok - I think a hard number is hard to say since we don't know the range we're talking. I'd say a teen who was academically inclined and involved in activities shouldn't work probably more than 10-15 hours a week during the school year. I'd have no problem setting this as a hard limit for a teen. If this kid was a saver and not spending money hand over fist, I'd probably want to allow her to save at least half of her earned money for college, launching, etc. I'd want to allow her a small amount of that for teen mad money (movies with friends, etc). So maybe 40% of what she can earn working a reasonable number of hours.

 

Whether or not you are comfortable with the figure left for you to pay, that depends on your budget.

Most of the year she doesn't have 10-15 hours. She plays a fall sport and a spring sport at school, in addition to her travel team. When HS sports are in session she doesn't get home till 6-7 and then has practice for her travel team for 2-6 hours a day Sat/Sun. Right now she is working 4 hours consistently. The last couple weeks she worked 8-9 hours but she didn't have practice.

 

So I told her she had to pay me $100/week which is pretty much everything she earns right now. In the winter she will have more time and cam possibly do that + extra spending $$ for herself. That may or may not be enough. It's just an semi-educated guess right now.

 

Overall travel is going to be in the thousands.

Edited October 4, 2016 by Plateau Mama

[bettyandbob]

Ideally, you would have done a hard look at your budget, your dd's potential to earn, and the costs of each team before dd joined a new team. I think it's hard to back out without causing problems in your relationship and in your dd's potential to play (some sports you cannot switch teams midyear or there are other issues).

 

You've told her what you will pay. Now I think you stick with it. This can be a lesson to her on budgeting and time management. One option is if she gets behind, you can supplement her budget on gift giving occasions like birthday.

[mommytobees]

  the issue is this child will work herself to her death if we let her. We had issues last year with her over committing and really, really stressing herself out. I'm trying to decide if the amount she would need to earn is reasonable. By my calculations every penny she earns would go towards this. At what point would you say no, it's too much? I don't want to influence answers so I'm not saying how much, (yet).

She would never sacrifice school, but the other things, well....she knows that if she doesn't have money for a tournament she can't go. I did loan her $$ for the first tournament because it came up kinda fast. She has repaid that and has $$ saved.

 

My question is how much do you think is reasonable for a teen to be expected to pay?

 

Hmmm, I don't think the question had a numerical answer. I think instead it has a _time_ answer.

 

How much time is she allowed to commit to work per week?

 

Since you already think she tends to over commit to whatever, I would have her sit down iwht you and spell out what you think is reasonable. You have $X, and need to earn an additional $Y. That is H number of hours per week, every week. Do you think this is something you can handle? (yes) What about last year when you were so stressed out? (no) I don't think you can either. I know it is hard to decide you cannot do something you really want, but what if you saved to do it another time? (is that an option?)

 

Kris

[Plateau Mama]

Honestly, for me the answer would be how far could this take her? Is it something she could get a scholarship for? Is it something she has a shot at a career in? (either as a player or a coach or in some other capacity?)

 

ETA: If you had said she was 6, I wouldn't ask this question. But at 16...it's a different ball game. At that age, college scouts could be coming to tourneys. And playing on a more competitive team does make it more likely that scouts will show up. A good player on a great team is more likely to get seen than a great player on good team.

If she plays on this team she could probably play in college but she won't get a scholarship. To play in college she would have to give up her entire college list and go to a smaller, lesser known school. This is the other issue I have. I don't know if she will be happy giving up a highly selective school for a small private school, or state school in some random city in order to play. (She has the grades and test scores to get in almost anywhere.). Playing professionally isn't an option. If she coached it would just be for a travel team, not college or anything. She could do that whether she plays for this team or not.

 

"A good player on a great team is more likely to get seen than a great player on good team. ."

 

This Is exactly why she left her previous team.

[Plateau Mama]

Ideally, you would have done a hard look at your budget, your dd's potential to earn, and the costs of each team before dd joined a new team. I think it's hard to back out without causing problems in your relationship and in your dd's potential to play (some sports you cannot switch teams midyear or there are other issues).

 

You've told her what you will pay. Now I think you stick with it. This can be a lesson to her on budgeting and time management. One option is if she gets behind, you can supplement her budget on gift giving occasions like birthday.

I was told different information than what reality was. We just got team fee information a couple weeks ago (after they had been playing for a month). I was also told practice would be 4 hours 1x week. It has been 3x a week up to 20 hours. We are not given times until week of. (Days are consistent but times change.). I was told certain items were included in the fees and they aren't, which adds another $1000 or so to the total. I'm not trying to go back on what I said but what I agreed to is very different than what is happening.

 

If she plays for this team there will be no gift giving opportunities. There will be no extras.

 

She has 2 other teams that she can play for. They will accept her at any time. I won't go into it but that is a sure thing.

[Plateau Mama]

Hmmm, I don't think the question had a numerical answer. I think instead it has a _time_ answer.

 

How much time is she allowed to commit to work per week?

 

Since you already think she tends to over commit to whatever, I would have her sit down iwht you and spell out what you think is reasonable. You have $X, and need to earn an additional $Y. That is H number of hours per week, every week. Do you think this is something you can handle? (yes) What about last year when you were so stressed out? (no) I don't think you can either. I know it is hard to decide you cannot do something you really want, but what if you saved to do it another time? (is that an option?)

 

Kris

We have had this talk with her. She didn't really have an answer. We asked her think about it and give us a plan and we'd help with the plan if she needed. So far she is choosing to ignore this conversation. ;-)

 

If she doesn't do it this year she can't do it next year. She will not have the skills.

 

I just don't see how she can go to school, play a high school sport, work 4-10 hours a week and practice 20 hours a week (or travel out of state 1-2 weekends a month).

[Plateau Mama]

For reference she has been practicing 4 hours a week and playing 12-14 weekends a year with 3-4 being car travel, 1 airplane travel.

 

This year she is looking at 10-20 hours of practice weekly. Car travel for practice 1x a month. Air travel for all of her tournaments.

[justasque]

I was told different information than what reality was. We just got team fee information a couple weeks ago (after they had been playing for a month). I was also told practice would be 4 hours 1x week. It has been 3x a week up to 20 hours. We are not given times until week of. (Days are consistent but times change.). I was told certain items were included in the fees and they aren't, which adds another $1000 or so to the total. I'm not trying to go back on what I said but what I agreed to is very different than what is happening.

...

 

I would be beyond annoyed that this activity is going to cost $1000 more than you were told up front.  Not annoyed at your daughter, but annoyed at the folks running the team. I would address that with those in charge of the team, ASAP.  I would try not to let the unexpected $$$ get between you and your daughter - whether you stay or go, this is an opportunity to teach/model how to handle this kind of financial situation.  Include her in the decision-making.  

 

Hugs.  I know what it's like to have a child who is very driven. 

[mommytobees]

We have had this talk with her. She didn't really have an answer. We asked her think about it and give us a plan and we'd help with the plan if she needed. So far she is choosing to ignore this conversation. ;-)

 

If she doesn't do it this year she can't do it next year. She will not have the skills.

 

I just don't see how she can go to school, play a high school sport, work 4-10 hours a week and practice 20 hours a week (or travel out of state 1-2 weekends a month).

 

Ahhhhhhh!!! okay, your 16yo sounds like my 18yo! 

 

Were I you, with this last little bit, I would do nothing. Tell her that when she brings you a plan, you'll discuss it again. And then, I would do nothing.

 

Kris

[bettyandbob]

For reference she has been practicing 4 hours a week and playing 12-14 weekends a year with 3-4 being car travel, 1 airplane travel.

 

This year she is looking at 10-20 hours of practice weekly. Car travel for practice 1x a month. Air travel for all of her tournaments.

So the higher expenses reflect additional coaching time among other things. If you did an analysis like unit pricing, would you find the new team to be similarly priced on a per hour basis.

 

Thinking about it this way won't change your budget, but may affect your opinion of "reasonable costs."

[Plateau Mama]

So the higher expenses reflect additional coaching time among other things. If you did an analysis like unit pricing, would you find the new team to be similarly priced on a per hour basis.

Thinking about it this way won't change your budget, but may affect your opinion of "reasonable costs."

I agree. I don't think the team fees are out of line and they aren't that much more than other more competitive teams but when you add it all up its a lot of money. Like I could send my little guy to private school with his siblings instead of homeschooling kind of money.

 

My husband has issue with the time & travel commitment. He feels she's almost gone and he'd like to have her home more.

[bettyandbob]

 

My husband has issue with the time & travel commitment. He feels she's almost gone and he'd like to have her home more.

This is a totally separate issue. And again something analyzed before starting with the team.

 

IME teens this age are gone more. They are learning independence through jobs and activities. I can't say the amount of time away from family your dd is spending is beyond typical or healthy. You will have to do that analysis and apply it to your family while considering whether the activity level will benefit your dd. Let me suggest though that since this is your oldest dc this independence is new to your experience. It's hard.

[Plateau Mama]

This is a totally separate issue. And again something analyzed before starting with the team.

 

IME teens this age are gone more. They are learning independence through jobs and activities. I can't say the amount of time away from family your dd is spending is beyond typical or healthy. You will have to do that analysis and apply it to your family while considering whether the activity level will benefit your dd. Let me suggest though that since this is your oldest dc this independence is new to your experience. It's hard.

I agree. He and I have different opinions on this. But again we were told 4 hrs a week and it has consistently been 11-20 hours.

 

I am so stressed out trying to get everyone to agree on something. It's driving me mad. No matter what someone isn't going to be happy. If I could go back 4 years I would never ave let her start a travel team.

Edited October 4, 2016 by Plateau Mama

[bettyandbob]

I agree. He and I have different opinions on this. But again we were told 4 hrs a week and it has consistently been 11-20 hours.

 

 

11-20 hours sounds like travel. I've never heard of a travel team that required only four hours.

 

At this age committing 10-15 hours to a sport or work or hobby is pretty typical IME. my dd did ballet about 12 hours a week during nonshow rehearsal periods. The high school teams have about 10 hours of practices plus games.

 

I think there are benefits (time management, goal setting, priorities). Additionally, I think there are benefits to having some independence from parents while still living at home. If you are considering pulling back in favor of her having my family time you might want analyze what you will gain (besides an angry teen) and balance that against the opportunity for working on lifelong skills and independence. It may be for your family pulling back is the right thing.

[mom2samlibby]

4 hours?  I can't imagine any traveling team getting by with only 4 hours a week.  

[Plateau Mama]

4 hours? I can't imagine any traveling team getting by with only 4 hours a week.

All the other teams her friends play for practice 4 hours on a weekend. Some do an additional practice during the week for 2 hours. None of them practice 20 hours. The 4 hours is in addition to tournaments that can last 8+ hours each day on the weekend.

 

The team we are talking about does the 8 hour tournament day and a 4 hour practice in addition. They have a reputation for crazy. I'm just trying to gauge how crazy they really are. ;-)

[SpecialClassical]

I think I would acknowledge ambition and willingness to work hard for excellence.

 

I might say something like, "It is obvious that you recognize and appreciate excellence and you want to be a part of that. I really admire your drive as well. As your parent it is my responsibility to make sure your life is in balance and that your are excelling over all. It is impossible to do all things to a very high degree. We each have a certain amount of energy, time, and resources to pour into life. Part of your life is school and right now, family. This family cannot be excellent if one member is so clearly overcommitted in time and resources to one activity. It is so difficult to make this decision because we value hard work and high standards. Your first responsibility now and to your future is school. The majority of time and resources should be poured into your current studies and preparation for your future studies. Commitment to a team can be part of that in keeping you well-rounded and content, but this team requires more time, resources, and energy than would be good for you or the family as a whole. We cannot continue down this road. "

 

I would also emphasize that she will get out of the other teams what she puts in. She can raise the level of play and value of the another team with her commitment and skills.

[madteaparty]

We don't expect our kids to make $.

I expect them to work hard. Just not for $.

ETA that I don't understand as I do not have a sportive child like that. It seems like you just want her to play fpr one of the other two options, and not just for financial reasons. In which case I would put my foot down and ask that she picks one of the local options and not set some impossible hoop of working X hours a week to play a sport (and the time commitment for the job and the travel might affect things that matter like sleep and academics)

Edited October 4, 2016 by madteaparty

[Artichoke]

posting too much. 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited June 12, 2017 by Artichoke

[Artichoke]

nm

 

Edited October 4, 2016 by Artichoke

[mom2samlibby]

All the other teams her friends play for practice 4 hours on a weekend. Some do an additional practice during the week for 2 hours. None of them practice 20 hours. The 4 hours is in addition to tournaments that can last 8+ hours each day on the weekend.

 

The team we are talking about does the 8 hour tournament day and a 4 hour practice in addition. They have a reputation for crazy. I'm just trying to gauge how crazy they really are. ;-)

 

My kids don't do sports, but I have a lot of friends whose kids do.  From what I've gathered most of them practice a couple nights during the week and then play in tournaments on the weekends.  

 

So, yes an 8 hour tournament and 4+ hours of practice sounds like a standard team here.

[kroe1]

Unless she is going to be a million dollar professional athlete, there is no sport worth destroying a family financially.

 

The exception would be if she plans to get a full ride scholarship because of her sport. Then you might add in what you were going to spend on her college to today's fees while praying she keeps it up and does not get injured.

 

These kid sport costs creep up on us, don't they? My two year old looked adorable in the one little bee costume. The $30 a month fee was very doable. But, as the years passed and I now am in the $15,000 a year range for DD16, I want to kick myself.

[KarenC]

I feel your pain.  My dd is required to pay several hundred dollars a season to help out with her travel.  If she wants expensive cleats, she has to pay the difference between the ones she wants and how much we will pay.

I would really try to make this work with dd as long as her grades don't suffer.  At 16, her childhood is almost over, and if this is something she really wants to do, I would try and make it work.

[MysteryJen]

As a sport family, I think you guys need to have some serious conversations. First, why did she want to join the new team? If she is practicing that seriously and traveling, certainly other girls on that team have scholarship intentions. Does she? If she does, then you guys are really not on the same page. 

If this sport is soccer, you cannot be sure that she is not scholarship material. It is a head count sport for women (full scholarship) and there are many, many opportunities for girls in lower ranked DI teams. 

If she wants elite colleges, lots of them have teams. DIII is not scholarship, but can certainly help with admissions. So, I think you guys need to be on the same page with the next two years (assuming she is a junior). If she is shooting for scholarships, I think that finding a way for both of you to contribute is most fair.

 

She clearly wants to do this team and is putting her money where her mouth is, I would do my best to support that.

[Plateau Mama]

As a sport family, I think you guys need to have some serious conversations. First, why did she want to join the new team? If she is practicing that seriously and traveling, certainly other girls on that team have scholarship intentions. Does she? If she does, then you guys are really not on the same page.

If this sport is soccer, you cannot be sure that she is not scholarship material. It is a head count sport for women (full scholarship) and there are many, many opportunities for girls in lower ranked DI teams.

If she wants elite colleges, lots of them have teams. DIII is not scholarship, but can certainly help with admissions. So, I think you guys need to be on the same page with the next two years (assuming she is a junior). If she is shooting for scholarships, I think that finding a way for both of you to contribute is most fair.

 

She clearly wants to do this team and is putting her money where her mouth is, I would do my best to support that.

It is not soccer. It is softball. If she wants to play there are definitly places she can play but she will not be getting a scholarship. I would never count on a sports scholarship. She has the grades, classes and test scores she will get significant merit and that is her priority. We are not on the same page. She has stars in her eyes right now. Her BFF is being recruited by several elite schools, her other BFF is playing ball as a freshman this year. She is swept up in their excitement.

 

I don't mind if she plays ball in college, but I don't want her to go to a school simply because they will let her play ball. She has too many academic ambitions.

[QueenCat]

As the parent who set the parameters,  I'd be a bit miffed that she disregarded our terms.   I don't think I'd say "no way" outright, but I would expect her to pick up the extra cost in full.  As to the time and travel, I'd be okay with it as long as she has a plan to keep up with her studies and team commitments.  If the travel is more $ than you expected, then she needs to pay that too.  You can always give her money later on.  On the other hand, if this was a willful and flagrant disregard of my terms, then I'd absolutely say "no way" to her being on this team. 

 

I might be misreading the OP but I got the impression that the team, not the daughter, disregarded the terms.

[MysteryJen]

DIII has many great academic schools who also field softball teams. This can definitely help with admissions. It just seems to me that you guys need to talk and figure out a plan. She is clearly good enough to be on this team and get playing time and has grades/test scores to look at top schools. I think you guys can find a way to work together.

 

On a personal note, my parents never helped me do either: pursue something I loved and helped me find a plan to maximize my opportunities and talents. It led me making decisions, that while were fine, were not really what I wanted and I definitely regret them, as I cannot go back in time.

[Plateau Mama]

I might be misreading the OP but I got the impression that the team, not the daughter, disregarded the terms.

 it was some on both ends. But my daughter knew this team had crazy travel schedule so she disregarded that point (which was our most important one).  

DIII has many great academic schools who also field softball teams. This can definitely help with admissions. It just seems to me that you guys need to talk and figure out a plan. She is clearly good enough to be on this team and get playing time and has grades/test scores to look at top schools. I think you guys can find a way to work together.

 

On a personal note, my parents never helped me do either: pursue something I loved and helped me find a plan to maximize my opportunities and talents. It led me making decisions, that while were fine, were not really what I wanted and I definitely regret them, as I cannot go back in time.

The problem is her intended major is relatively new, and not at very many schools so that limits her choices. most of the schools are in CA and Chances are slim that she can play for a CA school. You just can't practice 1/2 year indoors and compete with teams that can practice outside year around.

[FaithManor]

Since we had four children, we limited our commitment to what we knew we could manage for all of them. If had let the oldest use up all of the extracurricular funds leaving nothing for the boys who were much younger, that would have been quite unfair.

 

So I look at this as "What can we afford to do for each child, and what happens if we end up with more than one in expensive activities at once?"

 

Now that said, when dd wanted to go to Space Camp in the absolute worst way and couldn't get enough babysitting work to even dream of paying half of it, I took on some part-time extra work to earn the funds. I've done similar things for the boys too. I took on one last paid wedding coordinating gig this year to help our son's rocket team make sure they'll have enough funds to get going on the NASA Student Launch project. There was not time to get it all fund raised before they would need a significant sum of money to begin, and it was a once in a life time opportunity for them. No regrets though in a perfect world, I would NOT have taken on this wedding gig.

 

There is nothing wrong with her contributing the entire amount she earns towards the activity. The question is can you truly afford to make up any short falls. I consider this a HUGE issue because team sports are entirely different than individual activities. If she quits due to finances, it hurts the team, and particularly badly if she is a player they count on for most games. When one joins a traveling team, I think one has an obligation to be committed, barring emergencies/injuries and the like, to stick with it. If she can't earn it, then you need to make it up. If this is a natural quitting point, a good time to extricate oneself from the activity before the team would be negatively impacted by her departure, then you need to bow out if you are uncomfortable with paying everything she can not earn, or unable due to budget or looking ahead to what you can pay for other siblings.

 

These decisions are tough.

 

For what it is worth, my cousin's son played on a competitive traveling soccer team all through high school. Cousin estimates that with fees, uniforms, travel expenses, etc. , they laid out $10,000.00 over four years. They were just certain it would be worth the investment because he would get college scholarships. Well, C was good, very good. He was heavily courted by five colleges. But, none of the scholarships offered came close to enough money for him to attend those universities. He ended up going to a regional U that did not have a soccer team because that is what he could afford. So I would not recommend taking from college money to pay for such activities. College money should be left alone gaining interest.

 

Now that said, we have been a very pro extracurricular activity kind of family so again we have gone out of our way at times to make things happen for the kids.

[FriedClams]

I was a competitive athlete growing up, but it was in the 80s. They're weren't $5000/season traveling teams, and new uniforms for everything, and hotel stays every other weekend. At least not in my world. I played in college (d3) and made the regional all star team the year I played. So, I'm not clue free...

 

I would not think that paying for a travel team now is an investment in anything other than your kid and her interest. The whole scholarship thing is insane, and requires so much more than being a good athlete. Not to mention, if you do accept a scholarship, the athlete is now the school's. Schedules, academics, etc are built around athletics. That's a ton of pressure for the vast majority of kids (not to mention that the top of the top of the top are actually given worthwhile scholarships). And...injury, lack of interest, major changes (and school transfers) - that's too much to bank on with most teens (who aren't good enough to be on teams where all this "finance" stiff is handled for them).

 

If you can afford it, and it's in your family goals, great. Otherwise, I'd say no without guilt. She can still play. It's not all or nothing, it's just not every bell and whistle and the fast lane.

Edited October 4, 2016 by FriedClams

[Reefgazer]

I agree.  If this is of value to DD and an academic/physical benefit, then parents should pay up if their budget allows.  If not, try and raise money from all other potential sources.  I am a huge believer in sports being beneficial to kids, so they are a priority in this house.  But I think much work over 10-12 hours a week starts to negatively impact academics, and I wouldn't sacrifice academics for sports, as much as we a sports family.

I'm a strong believer in finding a way to say "yes", but it has to work for the entire family.

 

Cost is double. Daughter, we can only afford $X (X can be what you currently pay or it can be any extra you are willing to put into it). (IF this next part is an option to your family...) We put $H to presents during the year; we are willing to put 1/? of H towards this cost IF you want us to. You are responsible with coming up with the rest. 

 

Are grandparents willing to contribute? If they are, require her to ask.

 

Rather than telling your 16yo if she can or cannot do something, give her the tools to make the choice herself.

 

Kris

 

Edited October 4, 2016 by reefgazer

[Plateau Mama]

I thought it was softball. My sister played travel ball for....well forever. She's 30 now and still plays on an adult "beer league" as she calls it. And she did get a full ride athletic scholarship, as well as academic. But she certainly didn't go to school just to play ball. She played ball to pay for school, and graduated with a doctorate in geology completely debt free. (and all of us knew in advance that my parents weren't paying a dime for school.)

 

It's been my experience that lots of great softball players who also have good grades tend to be major overachievers. If she has the grades, to be honest, I would not be concerned that the added time commitment would make that much of a difference. She only has 2 more years of high school, I think if it was going to be a problem, that would have already reared it ugly head. The kind of dedication it takes to play at a high level tends to spill over into other areas.

 

If she's good enough to play on a team that has players who are being recruited like that, I would not discount the possibility of an athletic scholarship. Ultimately, no scholarship is guaranteed, athletic or merit. Most schools won't actually DO both but there are some that will. I also wouldn't discount the possibility of a career either. Probably not as a player, though the popularity, quality and appreciation of the sport is continuing to increase so I can totally see a professional league becoming viable in the future. But there are plenty of other options, including options that aren't necessarily specifically softball related, like being a physical trainer or something like that. Which brings me to a big question...what does she actually want to DO as a career? Like what does she want to go to school for?

.

 

Short term she wants to made prosthetics and other devices to help disabled. Long term she wants to be a Dr. and probably go into missions in a S American country.

[Plateau Mama]

I am really surprised most of you are in favor of her playing. I was expecting the opposite. I hesitated posting because I was sure if get slammed for even considering it.

 

Guess we need to sit down and figure some things out.

[Reefgazer]

From my point of view, sports has a tremendous positive impact on a child's development, so the benefits count for a lot.  Maybe that's why so many here are pro-sports/in favor of it?

I am really surprised most of you are in favor of her playing. I was expecting the opposite. I hesitated posting because I was sure if get slammed for even considering it.

Guess we need to sit down and figure some things out.

 

[fairfarmhand]

My dd is an excellent student. She had an opportunity to pursue music in college. She's there on an academic scholarship. She;s not even brought up the audition possibility, and has apparently banished it from her thoughts.

 

Why?

 

The class load and the homework take up the majority of her time. If your dd has opportunities for academic scholarships, IMHO she should pursue those which are not dependent on not gettting injured in a sport. To keep those academic scholarships, she will need to study. Practicing sports will seriously interfere with her study time.

 

My dd is a really really good student who was very well prepared for college. She's taking a science heavy course load. That means chemistry, calculus, and other REALLY hard classes. She spends about 6 hours a day in class or driving back and forth from it. (schedules aren't always what you'd hope them to be) She spends about 5 hours a week on work study, a requirement of her scholarship. She spends about 3-4 hours a day doing homework and studying. She works part time for 2 hours a day. Her life is packed.

 

But, she's doing well in school and she's making the grades.

 

All that to say, if your dd wants to pursue math or science related careers, she will have her hands full juggling studies and sports practices. So, it seems that she needs to consider her hoped for major along with sports.

 

My dds friends have arts majors and they have plenty of time for extra stuff. My dd is jealous sometimes of their free time, but she knows where she wants to go.

 

That's jut something to think about.

[ktgrok]

Could she drop the high school sport during the time she's playing for the travel team? Doing both at once seems pretty intense, and dropping the high school team would free up time to work,a nd time for the family. 

[Ausmumof3]

I think there's a lot of questions to be answered here. The biggest one is whether there is a likelihood of career or scholarships out of it. Not just a remote possibility but a likelihood. If there is then it's a different kettle of fish.

 

If not, no matter how good she is it is a hobby. That doesn't mean she can't do it but it does mean that it can't impact on her academic outcomes that are going to lead to a career and it can't impact unduly on the rest of the family. Everyone had to figure out how to balance pursuing their hobbies with keeping up with their responsibilities and I guess now is the time for your dd. Whatever your input is financially it needs to leave enough that the other kids can also enjoy age appropriate hobbies and education on a similar level to what she's getting. That doesn't necessarily mean same $$ value but it does mean she doesn't get a massive fund for a travel team and your younger kids miss out on sport altogether.

 

Also if she's earning the $$$ herself she needs to be able to keep up the responsibilities she already has at home otherwise she's just getting you to pay in a roundabout way.

 

Lastly I'd be really mad that the team didn't outline the reasonable costs up front. I would let them know that I wasn't happy politely, not looking for a discount but so that it doesn't happen to other families in the future. The amount of money that goes into kids sports can be pretty over the top and I think so often it's because parents start when it's not that bad and then once the kids are doing well and thriving all these additional costs start piling on and it feels too hard to back out. I would love to see some kind of mandate that sports clubs and teams have to give a reasonable estimate of fees, grading, testing or competition costs and uniform or special costume costs up front.

[Bluegoat]

I tend to agree with the idea that it is shaping up that this is a hobby, not a career or a way to get school paid for.

 

And it sounds like it wouldn't be all that healthy for her to work more to pay for it.

 

I don't think I would pay more than I had initially agreed to in order to make it happen.

 

So - I would tend to say no.

 

The other side of this to me is - is there a lesson or value to be had from NOT playing on this team but on one of the other ones instead.  I would tend to think there is - most of us have to figure out how to integrate our interests in a satisfying way without the kind of money or time or intensity that elite teen activities seem to embody.  It sounds like she's going to have to do so at university.  I think some kids end up dropping sports and activities because they think it's the only worthwhile way to do things, which is a shame.

 

[Plateau Mama]

.

 

The good thing is....there are likely a lot of schools that have the type of pre med and/or tech sort of programs that she would need to head in that direction.  At the time my sister was looking at colleges, she wanted to work in meteorlogy.  Surprisingly meteorology is a major that is not terribly common, at least not compared to many other majors.  At the time, I think there were something like 10 to 20 schools in the COUNTRY that offered both meteorology AND a softball program.  And really, my sister loves the sport, and would have wanted to continue to play even if she couldn't have gotten a scholarship.  But of course, if she could play AND get school paid for...I mean why wouldn't someone choose that option, right? lol.  Anyway, It was actually the lack of schools with both that had her switch from meteorology to geology.  Well, that and the ability to do more "field work" type of stuff in geology.  Ultimately, my sister ended up at IUPUI (Indiana University, Purdue University, Indianapolis) and played ball for 4 yrs, and got her BS and masters from there.  Her doctorate was at University of Alabama (and although she didn't play ball for them, she still somehow got them to pay for her grad degree, including multiple field internships.)

 

 

.

 

 there are less than 100 schools that I've found with her major. She has had get major picked for 5 or 6 years and is not willing to consider anything else. So far, most of them have softball but the schools she is willing to consider will not be options for her to play.

My dd is an excellent student. She had an opportunity to pursue music in college. She's there on an academic scholarship. She;s not even brought up the audition possibility, and has apparently banished it from her thoughts.

 

Why?

 

The class load and the homework take up the majority of her time. If your dd has opportunities for academic scholarships, IMHO she should pursue those which are not dependent on not gettting injured in a sport. To keep those academic scholarships, she will need to study. Practicing sports will seriously interfere with her study time.

 

My dd is a really really good student who was very well prepared for college. She's taking a science heavy course load. That means chemistry, calculus, and other REALLY hard classes. She spends about 6 hours a day in class or driving back and forth from it. (schedules aren't always what you'd hope them to be) She spends about 5 hours a week on work study, a requirement of her scholarship. She spends about 3-4 hours a day doing homework and studying. She works part time for 2 hours a day. Her life is packed.

 

But, she's doing well in school and she's making the grades.

 

All that to say, if your dd wants to pursue math or science related careers, she will have her hands full juggling studies and sports practices. So, it seems that she needs to consider her hoped for major along with sports.

 

My dds friends have arts majors and they have plenty of time for extra stuff. My dd is jealous sometimes of their free time, but she knows where she wants to go.

 

That's jut something to think about.

 normally I would agree, but with this child I actually worry more about the basic classes. She will have 3 years of calculus and AP's in Chem, Biology and physics before she is done and has found them easy.  

Could she drop the high school sport during the time she's playing for the travel team? Doing both at once seems pretty intense, and dropping the high school team would free up time to work,a nd time for the family.

 

. Softball doesn't play during high school season but soccer does. She is considering not playing next year but she is the only goalie. If they don't get another next year then she leaves the team in a huge problem. That is why she played this year.

[bettyandbob]

From your updates it sounds like your dd is an excellent student. If this activity does not interfere with grades, and she earns the money for the amount over what you said you'd pay, I'd let her do it.

 

She knows she has no professional prospects and likely no college prospects either. However when one has devoted a lot of time to an activity and know they will say goodbye to it, sometimes they need to see how far they could really achieve. My dd put a lot into ballet last year. So much so I thought for sure she'd find a way to keep dancing. Nope. She started college and has not looked at a single related activity. She's taken up new stuff in addition to studying. For her it was important to leave ballet behind with her very best effort ever. It was actually a good exercise in concentrated focus. Lots of intangibles can be gained from sports/hobbies.

[Plateau Mama]

Less than 100. Gosh, to me, that seems like a lot...I mean she is only attending one, right? .

 

 

It is and it isn't. Compared to business, or computer science, or general engineering etc which are found at most schools, 100 isn't a lot. By the time we narrow down by location, softball and cost the number will be very small. There are only two schools in our state with the program and one isn't an option we'd consider.

[TravelingChris]

I don't know where you live but University of Memphis definitely has prosthetic research going on.  When my youngest was considering an engineering degree, we visited and they talked about the high scholarships they give and also we saw the student project displays which a number had to do with prosthetics.  They have a lot of cooperation with St. Jude's Hospital.