how do you and your kids cope with death of dear friends?

[HeatherL]

PLEASE DON'T QUOTE!!!!  THIS WILL BE DELETED IN A LITTLE BIT, IT'S STARTING TO GET TOO MUCH MEDIA ATTENTION

 

I am just heartbroken right now and looking for some advice and a shoulder to lean on.  My dear friend and fellow homeschooling mom took her own life and the lives of her children.  I knew her struggles and the pain she was in.  Several of us tried to help.  We offered her love and support and even practical, physical help and she pushed us all away.  How could we have missed this?  I feel so guilty for having missing this.

 

We told our son half truths, we said it was an accident.  Just with that news he is devastated.  But I'm so worried he will hear the truth somewhere.  It's been all over the media and they using all of their names.  He adored her children, they were friends.  But he has such a sensitive soul and is only 9.  He will panic if he learns this women whom he knew very well and was very fond of could do this to her own children.  He is wise beyond his years and will start putting puzzle pieces together in his head.  If she could, could my mom too?  How do you explain this to a 9 year old??  I'm way over 9 and can't wrap my head around it and haven't gotten a hold of my thoughts and emotions yet.

[Spryte]

((Hugs))

 

I don't have answers, but I'm so, so sorry for your loss.

 

FWIW, we have a dear family member with mental health issues, who has tried to commit suicide multiple times. Our DS is aware that FM has a disease in his brain, and it's not FM but the disease. I'm not sure that would help, but maybe some variant of that might help.

[hornblower]

Honestly, I'd speak to a professional grief counsellor. 

in the meantime, just tell him she was very ill, much sicker than you all knew and nobody was able to help her. If he asks, tell him you're not sick and that if you were, you'd get help from a doctor. 

Hugs. Terrible tragedy. 
 

[MEmama]

I think the advice of seeking outside guidance is a good one.

 

I'm so, so very sorry. :(

[NorthwestMom]

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

 

I agree with the above. A professional counselor would be the best choice for all of you. You will probably only need a few sessions to help you understand and frame this tragedy.

 

I am SO, so sorry.

[AnnE-girl]

I'm so very sorry. I agree with speaking to a grief counselor. I think this is too big to deal with without additional help.

[fraidycat]

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

 

I agree that a professional is a good idea in this case.

[OhanaBee]

I agree with the above.  But wanted to tell you how very very sorry I am. :grouphug:

[AnnE-girl]

One more thing I wanted to add: You're probably doing this anyway, but I would have as much of media blackout as possible. If you get a local paper, get up extra early to get it before he can see it (There must be something wrong with the delivery this week, etc). Keep the TV and radio off.

[gardenmom5]

I'm very sorry for your loss.

 

my father committed suicide on father's day weekend the year I turned 12.  He struggled with serious depression for many years. (it's genetic.)  I adored my father, and felt  like he was the only one who cared about me, so it was particularly devastating.  my mother made no secrets-NOR was she able to help in my own grief.   my paternal grandmother blamed my mother and cut us off. my maternal grandmother banned me from grieving in her presence (she hated my father.).   it did lead me to full-blown  clinical depression and dwelling  upon thoughts of suicide. I was still ignored when  I cried for help.  (including by teachers and school counselors)  I was left unable to talk about him and how I felt. peers tend to use strong emotions against others.

 

your son is 9.  don't go into full details - but give him something that isn't a bald-faced lie.  he WILL hear about it from others, and if you lie about this, he'll wonder what else you lie about.  she was mentally and emotionally unstable - that's a fact.  focus on that, that she was hurting so badly/ill she hurt herself and her children that they died.  focus on that if she'd *been willing to receive* proper medical help, she could have been helped but she rejected help - because she was hurting so badly/so ill.  (it's a very sick and twisted spiral.)  and her thinking was so unbalanced, she didn't want to leave her children behind to fend for themselves.  after all, if *SHE FELT* no one could help her, then no one could help her children either. her thinking was warped - focus on that.

 

if he has been particularly hard hit - there are grief programs for children.  allow him to talk about his feelings and sadness, and give him the assurance he needs that it's okay to be sad, it's okay to talk about them and that it's okay that one day he won't hurt every second of every minute of every hour of every . . . . it doesn't make him a bad person or a bad friend to move-on.

 

for some people, you can't take no for an answer.  It feels rude and impolite, and even downright controlling - but sometimes you do what you have to do.  threats of suicide or self-harm does warrant calls for emergency services as they can do a 72hour mandatory hold to assess the patient. (and around here, they'll do a locked psych unit).  BUT  and please please please remember this, NOT everyone who kills themselves will say anything about planning something.  

 

also, don't say anything to her family about how devastating her death is to you.  just, . . . don't. my father's bff's wife said it to me nearly FORTY years later, and I just :ohmy: .   (there was no ackowlegment that my life could be measure as before he died, and after he died. the difference was that profound.) offer your sympathies, love, and friendship.

if you have preexisting relationships with any of the survivors - *CONTINUE THEM*, otherwise, it's one more loss to them.

 

as to how I moved beyond it, part is my religious beliefs regarding life-after death.  (I became converted to my current religion only a few years later.  before that, my mother was strongly agnostic because she couldn't decide if she was an atheist or not. but she was strongly - when you're dead you're dead.  we spoke about my father many times over the years, and she did receive comfort from my words.  and for someone who didn't believe in life-after-death, she told me my father came to her not long after he died.

 

 

part is doing genealogy. (you'd be surprised how that affects your attitudes towards death.).

 

Edited July 27, 2016 by gardenmom5

[J-rap]

I'm very sorry for your loss.

 

my father committed suicide on father's day the year I turned 12.  

 

I'm so sorry.   :grouphug:  :grouphug:

[HeatherL]

Thank you so much for all of this!! 

 

I'm very sorry for your loss.

 

my father committed suicide on father's day weekend the year I turned 12.  He struggled with serious depression for many years. (it's genetic.)  I adored my father, and felt  like he was the only one who cared about me, so it was particularly devastating.  my mother made no secrets-NOR was she able to help in my own grief.   my paternal grandmother blamed my mother and cut us off. my maternal grandmother banned me from grieving in her presence (she hated my father.).   it did lead me to full-blown  clinical depression and dwelling  upon thoughts of suicide. I was still ignored when  I cried for help.  (including by teachers and school counselors)  I was left unable to talk about him and how I felt. peers tend to use strong emotions against others.

 

your son is 9.  don't go into full details - but give him something that isn't a bald-faced lie.  he WILL hear about it from others, and if you lie about this, he'll wonder what else you lie about.  she was mentally and emotionally unstable - that's a fact.  focus on that, that she was hurting so badly/ill she hurt herself and her children that they died.  focus on that if she'd *been willing to receive* proper medical help, she could have been helped but she rejected help - because she was hurting so badly/so ill.  (it's a very sick and twisted spiral.)  and her thinking was so unbalanced, she didn't want to leave her children behind to fend for themselves.  after all, if *SHE FELT* no one could help her, then no one could help her children either. her thinking was warped - focus on that.

 

if he has been particularly hard hit - there are grief programs for children.  allow him to talk about his feelings and sadness, and give him the assurance he needs that it's okay to be sad, it's okay to talk about them and that it's okay that one day he won't hurt every second of every minute of every hour of every . . . . it doesn't make him a bad person or a bad friend to move-on.

 

for some people, you can't take no for an answer.  It feels rude and impolite, and even downright controlling - but sometimes you do what you have to do.  threats of suicide or self-harm does warrant calls for emergency services as they can do a 72hour mandatory hold to assess the patient. (and around here, they'll do a locked psych unit).  BUT  and please please please remember this, NOT everyone who kills themselves will say anything about planning something.  

 

also, don't say anything to her family about how devastating her death is to you.  just, . . . don't. my father's bff's wife said it to me nearly FORTY years later, and I just :ohmy: .   (there was no ackowlegment that my life could be measure as before he died, and after he died. the difference was that profound.) offer your sympathies, love, and friendship.

if you have preexisting relationships with any of the survivors - *CONTINUE THEM*, otherwise, it's one more loss to them.

 

as to how I moved beyond it, part is my religious beliefs regarding life-after death.  (I became converted to my current religion only a few years later.  before that, my mother was strongly agnostic because she couldn't decide if she was an atheist or not. but she was strongly - when you're dead you're dead.  we spoke about my father many times over the years, and she did receive comfort from my words.  and for someone who didn't believe in life-after-death, she told me my father came to her not long after he died.

 

 

part is doing genealogy. (you'd be surprised how that affects your attitudes towards death.).

 

[MistyMountain]

I am so sorry your family is going through that loss. It is devastating. I had an incident in my childhood where I was lied to about a suicide attempt. I was very hurt that my parents were not honest with me. I had to tell my kids about an attempt and I was honest with them but I kept it very simple. I would tell the truth so they can understand rather then lie to them and get them counseling if needed to help them.

Edited July 27, 2016 by MistyMountain

[mamiof5]

So sorry about your dad and the way it was handled afterwards :(

I'm very sorry for your loss.

 

my father committed suicide on father's day weekend the year I turned 12. He struggled with serious depression for many years. (it's genetic.) I adored my father, and felt like he was the only one who cared about me, so it was particularly devastating. my mother made no secrets-NOR was she able to help in my own grief. my paternal grandmother blamed my mother and cut us off. my maternal grandmother banned me from grieving in her presence (she hated my father.). it did lead me to full-blown clinical depression and dwelling upon thoughts of suicide. I was still ignored when I cried for help. (including by teachers and school counselors) I was left unable to talk about him and how I felt. peers tend to use strong emotions against others.

 

your son is 9. don't go into full details - but give him something that isn't a bald-faced lie. he WILL hear about it from others, and if you lie about this, he'll wonder what else you lie about. she was mentally and emotionally unstable - that's a fact. focus on that, that she was hurting so badly/ill she hurt herself and her children that they died. focus on that if she'd *been willing to receive* proper medical help, she could have been helped but she rejected help - because she was hurting so badly/so ill. (it's a very sick and twisted spiral.) and her thinking was so unbalanced, she didn't want to leave her children behind to fend for themselves. after all, if *SHE FELT* no one could help her, then no one could help her children either. her thinking was warped - focus on that.

 

if he has been particularly hard hit - there are grief programs for children. allow him to talk about his feelings and sadness, and give him the assurance he needs that it's okay to be sad, it's okay to talk about them and that it's okay that one day he won't hurt every second of every minute of every hour of every . . . . it doesn't make him a bad person or a bad friend to move-on.

 

for some people, you can't take no for an answer. It feels rude and impolite, and even downright controlling - but sometimes you do what you have to do. threats of suicide or self-harm does warrant calls for emergency services as they can do a 72hour mandatory hold to assess the patient. (and around here, they'll do a locked psych unit). BUT and please please please remember this, NOT everyone who kills themselves will say anything about planning something.

 

also, don't say anything to her family about how devastating her death is to you. just, . . . don't. my father's bff's wife said it to me nearly FORTY years later, and I just :ohmy: . (there was no ackowlegment that my life could be measure as before he died, and after he died. the difference was that profound.) offer your sympathies, love, and friendship.

if you have preexisting relationships with any of the survivors - *CONTINUE THEM*, otherwise, it's one more loss to them.

 

as to how I moved beyond it, part is my religious beliefs regarding life-after death. (I became converted to my current religion only a few years later. before that, my mother was strongly agnostic because she couldn't decide if she was an atheist or not. but she was strongly - when you're dead you're dead. we spoke about my father many times over the years, and she did receive comfort from my words. and for someone who didn't believe in life-after-death, she told me my father came to her not long after he died.

 

 

part is doing genealogy. (you'd be surprised how that affects your attitudes towards death.).

[mamiof5]

What a sad tragedy! I am so sorry!! How devastating.

 

As sad as it is, I'd tell our kids the truth. It's too big of a risk for them to find out on their own. We pray, A LOT. Our kids are little prayer warriors, they pray for so many different people! The only one that would be able to deal with this (for us, our family), would be the Lord. Offering prayers, masses, going to Adoration to pray for our friends would be the only way for us to be able to deal with it.

 

I'm truly sorry, I can't imagine.

[BooksandBoys]

We tell our kids the truth, albeit in words they can understand. My infant nephew died of a genetic disorder when my oldest was 5 and our second child was 2. We chose to use words to help them understand genetic disorders, why we knew their cousin was dying, why we knew my kids wouldn't die of the same disorder, why future cousins would or would not be at risk etc. My kids benefitted from this honesty because initial simple words like "your cousin is sick" we're terrifying for them: they knew they had been sick, so they thought it could happen to them.

 

My grandmother committed suicide long before I was born. I was raised with that gentle truth. My cousins were not (they were told she'd died in a car accident. There was no car involved in the suicide). My cousins learned the truth in their 20s and were absolutely devastated! Truth hurts, but learning that you can't trust your parents to tell you the truth hurts even more.

 

I'm so sorry for your family and your community. My thoughts are with you all, especially your son.

[nd293]

I'm so sorry...

 

If he may find out the truth, tell him the truth yourself now. I have a 9yr old. Given the facts as you outlined I would go with something like: She had a sickness of the mind. It is very rare, and everyone knew she was ill but no one knew how bad it was or what would happen. She wasn't in control of her mind, and in that way it was a very sad accident. I think something along those lines would make it clear that this couldn't easily happen to other people he loves and that malice was not intended. I would also be careful to make sure he isn't starting to interpret all signs of anger or sadness as precursors of mental illness.

 

Actually a similar scenario did play out in my husband's family before I met him. We live very far from the family though and I've never mentioned the situation to ds although I did give bare facts to dd. She had no emotional attachment to anyone though, as it happened before she was born to people she didn't know.

[Alicia64]

I'm so, so sorry for both you and your sweet boy.

 

You didn't do anything wrong. How could you have possibly known to be worried about this kind of outcome? There's no way you could have predicted this. Plus, when someone is super serious about suicide, they'll find a way.

 

Guilt is so much a part of grief. Consider this: a mentally healthy person simply wouldn't assume that somebody would come to the conclusion she came to.

 

You're likely in some level of shock.

 

I agree with everyone who said to shut off the media. Control what your son sees until things calm down (radio too). I think seeing a grief therapist is a fantastic plan. Having somewhat of a structured plan will help you in the coming days, even if it's just: take a shower, call my mom, call the therapist, let son watch favorite movie. Plans help.

 

Please, please be good to yourself. You couldn't have known.

 

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

 

Alley

[livetoread]

The suicide of a mother he knew would be hard, but more easily explained. The fact that she killed her kids too - his friends - makes everything so much more difficult. He needs the truth, but how to phrase that is going to take careful thought. What a horrible tragedy.

[Mrs_JWM]

I am so sorry for your loss. A close friend attempted suicide in May, and at first, she was missing. I needed to help organize a search for her and my daughter was privy to the distress my friends and I were dealing with that day, as well as the police and helicopters and emergency services because homeschooling. It was summarily terrible - and my friend didn't complete her attempt. Talking about this with a grief counselor is so important. As you say, you cannot wrap your brain around this; your son will need help, too. I am so very sorry. Much love to you tonight.

 

☎ Sent from my rotary phone ☎

[Eagle]

:grouphug: I am so very sorry for your loss. :grouphug:

[Starr]

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:  I'm so sorry.  You've gotten good advice. Be honest, get the help you need. We had a death in the family by a drug overdose when my dc were 6 and 8. We told the kids what happened and took them to the funeral. Talking was good for us.

[SarahB82]

I have no advice but wanted to say how sorry I am for all of you. That is so devastating.