Can you be a minimalist in a family of savers, collectors, hoarders?

[Ottakee]

I have spent most of the day today working on the master bedroom. Dh sees nothing wrong with it....complete with stuff everywhere. I prefer a minimalist look.

 

This theme carries to all 5 kids bedrooms and the common areas. How do you keep things looking neat when they save, collect, hoard, everything?

Edited April 9, 2016 by Ottakee

[SparklyUnicorn]

I throw stuff out when nobody is looking.  They have yet to notice.

 

 

[StephanieZ]

I have found some relief by having LOTS of storage space. They can "keep" their crap so long as it's crated and out of my sight! Basement space, lots of rubbermaid totes, tons of shelving, tons of closets, cabinetry, etc.

 

Out of sight makes it a lot less stressful for me. But keeping it makes it less stressful for them (and to a lesser extent me, too). 

[kroe1]

The housekeeper constantly throws stuff away.

 

If the collections are important, put them in closed door cabinets.

[kbutton]

Some things will be noticed if we just get rid of them--my kids have memories like elephants. Some things don't matter as much. We do what we can, and then we use limits or a step-down unit for the rest. So, we might tell them that they can have all of x that will fit in this container (we do this for ourselves too). Another variation might be to say that you can have x number of this kind of toy and then no more. Or, we might take miscellaneous items we might need later (you know, the stuff that you need the day after you've thrown it away), and we will have a bin of it. When the bin gets full, we have to make things fit and get rid of what won't. If we have some outgrown stuff (not clothes--those just leave asap) that needs to leave, but getting rid of it all seems like too much, we will often put it away for a while and then sort again later. A little distance usually lets us purge much more effectively.

 

That seems to take some of the stress off of the decision-making, and the limit is pretty concrete. They still have to make a choice, but the choice seems to be less high stakes.

 

We also are firm believers in clear bins or well-marked boxes. It's easier to sort, organize, etc. We try to buy sets of bins that pack well with each other and pack well into the space we want to put them in. We use clear bags (the big Ziploc for off-season clothes, or old bags from bedspreads and such). We have a bin full of just bins and bags that fit our spaces well, and we pull them out when we have to organize on the spot, but we don't allow ourselves to keep more than one bin of bins and bags either.

 

Oh, we make sure that tote bags, book bags, etc. are not holding things except when they are being used. It's amazing how much clutter can hide there. We empty the bags and stick them in a bin or a closet until we need to use them again.

 

We do not have a super uncluttered home, but these are things that have helped tremendously. We have kind of consistent flow of things into and out of the house. We know minimalist is not going to work for us, but we are committed to keeping things manageable and not to have to devote so much time to stuff.

[fraidycat]

I have spent most of the day today working on the master bedroom. Dh sees nothing wrong with it....complete with stuff everywhere. I prefer a minimalist look.

 

This theme carries to all 5 kids bedrooms and the common areas. How do you keep things looking neat when they save, collect, hoard, everything?

Yes. But, it requires that each person has a specified spot for their stuff. Bedroom, closet, garage, etc. It is a little more difficult with a shared room situation, but in my house anyway, as long as DH knows that his stuff is still there, somewhere (rubbermaid bins in the closet) he's happy.

 

All common rooms should be kept however the main room cleaner wishes. If that is you, then minimalist. If it is someone else, they get to choose.

 

As for keeping things looking neat - that is what bedroom doors are for. LOL My DS keeps his room neat and closes his door. My DD does not. I close her door if it bothers me. It also helps to build an "immunity" to some messes. Our house is for living, not a showhome, so I don't expect it to look like one.

 

I also, however, pass the responsibility for knowing where each person's stuff is on to them. If they want me to be the keeper of knowledge on where things are, I get to decide what we have, because my Mom brain has limits.

 

A common refrain around here is "It's not mine, I don't use it, I do not know where it is, I will not help you look for it. Your stuff, your responsibility."

Edited April 9, 2016 by fraidycat

[happi duck]

I don't think one style can be thrust on everyone. My kids have their rooms in their style. Our room is more what works for dh and the living room and kitchen are more my style.

 

Fwiw, when DS was little he kept *everything* and now he is the most minimalist of us all.

 

.

Edited April 9, 2016 by happi duck

[Annie G]

I respect dh's things- if he doesn't want to get rid of something, I respect that. (It does still drive me nuts that he keeps EVERYTHING)  So our compromise is that I am allowed to organize things- having them stored in an organized way helps me a lot.  

 

Our youngest two still live at home and I don't comment on the amount of 'stuff' they have in their bedrooms. However, common space is not to be used as their storage. So when they leave things, I promptly put them on the stairs and remind them to take them up.  By the door everyone is allowed one pair of shoes in warm weather and two in winter.  The rest need to be out of my view...in their own closet.   

 

It's difficult to be the most minimalist/neat one in the house.  It just is. 

[Slache]

I throw stuff out when nobody is looking.  They have yet to notice.

Same here. It's obvious what they love and those things have never been tossed. People love very few things.

[Random]

I throw stuff out when nobody is looking.  They have yet to notice.

 

I do this, too.

 

In my defense, I would throw away things that I consider totally unreasonable to hoard, like the boxes of every toy my 14 year old has ever gotten as a gift.  Or maybe the dozen broken headbands my daughter doesn't want to part with.

 

Sometimes, I will ask my husband to take the kids out for a day, and let everyone know in advance I will be purging anything not neatly put away and/or tidy in their rooms.  I think they're kind of relieved to come home and find their spaces decluttered a bit. 

 

I'm a minimalist at heart and I live with five people who have a tendency to hoard.  All of them! Gah!

[Shellydon]

I work with my kids to keep their rooms clutter free.  We declutter and throw things out once a month.  If they don't use it at least twice a week, out it goes.  I simply do not allow clutter.  If my DH was this way, I would pitch everything in tubs and put it in a shed/storage unit.  Cannot tolerate mess.

[Annie G]

I work with my kids to keep their rooms clutter free.  We declutter and throw things out once a month.  If they don't use it at least twice a week, out it goes.  I simply do not allow clutter.  If my DH was this way, I would pitch everything in tubs and put it in a shed/storage unit.  Cannot tolerate mess.

 

I consider myself fairly minimalist and no way could I part with everything that I don't use at least twice a week.  I have a tiny purse that I use when I only need my phone and ID and maybe I use it three times a year. I own five pairs of shoes but often go more than a year without wearing either my sandals or winter boots.  Sometimes when I work out I use an armband to hold my phone....sometimes.  The extra fine markers that I use for drawing...the pysanky equipment that I use at best yearly...the greeting cards my mom sent me before she passed away...the rosary bracelet I bought at the Vatican.

 

If I was your kid I think I would drive you bonkers. 

[lllll]

nm

Edited April 20, 2016 by _ ?^..

[heartlikealion]

Bins definitely aren't the answer for every home. I have bins in my mudroom and in the bedroom closets. I have under bed storage bins under all the beds (those items are mostly spare bedding). Considering the house has coat closet size closets, it's not very practical to rely on our closets. We have like 4 bins just for holiday decs and I told dh we needed to downsize. He finally took some of them to his work (they decorate every year and have space for them). But the bins remaining in the mudroom still drive me nuts. It would be considered a very harsh offense if I were to declutter some things without his consent. Marie Kondo discussed that and discouraged bins lol. But I guess gauge it on your own family.

[goldberry]

With regards to tossing, I have a very sentimental DD with a good memory.  What I started doing was bagging up what I would want to toss, then store it in the attic.  After 6 months or so, then I tossed it.  There was only one occasion over several years I had to go dig something out to rescue.

 

(I only did this when she was younger.  Now that she is older I give her a purge assignment about twice a year.  She still hoards a lot, but it's her responsibility now.)

[SparklyUnicorn]

A compromise to throwing stuff out is to put the stuff in a bag and hide it somewhere.  If the person has not touched it in a very long time you can say hey this thing has been sitting here for two years. 

 

I am not draconian about it.  Not at all.  When my husband moved here from Germany he took every single thing he ever owned.  Even stuffed animals, boxes of power cords that cannot be used here, every single notebook from 5th grade through college, etc.  You get the idea.  It took him about 10 years to be willing to get rid of stuff.  We moved 6 times and every time lugged all this stuff he absolutely never looked at. 

 

 

[kewb]

I am surrounded by hoarders. When my kids were little I just tossed. Now I tell them when I will be purging and if it is important to find a home for it. I also pack stuff up and store it for awhile to see if they miss it. If not, it gets tossed or donated.

For dh, I toss when he isn't looking. I have had a few mess ups over the years but for the most part the stuff is never missed.

[Chris in VA]

I have to do this with my closet at preschool--my co teacher is a saver. I declutter and she never misses stuff (but that's because it's just...stuff, with no emotional attachment, just a really developed sense of stewardship towards not wasting things).

 

I think you have to look at the emotional attachment issue. I know you have, OP, some foster kids --could they have developed a saving/hoarding response to the lack of control and the losses in their lives? I would try to get behind the need to save and see if there is healing that can be done so they can let go a little.

 

Other than that, helpfully and carefully and kindly going thru their things WITH them to try to pare down a bit, on a regular basis, would be the way to go, IMO. Organized storage and lots of relationship building activities that don't come with a souvenir can help, I've heard (not that you aren't already doing that).

 

Lastly--when my dear friend needed to declutter her basement due to water damage, and had to let go of TONS of stuff she'd been saving, stuff that she was extremely emotionally invested in, she took out each "thing" and kinda "said goodbye" and then took a picture of it to place in an album. It was super tough for her, but she did a whole big dumpster of decluttering. I was so proud of her.

Edited April 10, 2016 by Chris in VA

[SparklyUnicorn]

Storage definitely helps.  We do have plenty of places that are out of the way to put whatever in without feeling like we are drowning in "stuff".

 

Growing up I lived in a microscopic apartment so we absolutely could never hold onto anything that wasn't used regularly.  As a contrast my husband's parents had more than one house.  They saved everything.  And I mean EVERYTHING.  When my FIL died my MIL found about 20 broken brooms, as an example.  What would he do with a bunch of broken brooms?  Who knows.  I think his family has some hoarding tendencies.  Probably the only thing that makes it not too bad is they are all very neat and organized.  So they might have a lot of useless stuff, but it's not piled up looking like the contents of a dumpster. 

[prairiewindmomma]

Ottakee--are you dealing with normal clutter issues here, or are you also looking at this through a lens of anxiety or trauma with some of your kiddos? My advice differs depending on their backgrounds.

 

Tidying (in the Marie Kondo sense of the word) is a learned skill.  One has to actually stop, examine the relationship of the item, and find a proper home for it.  It is an act of actively choosing and actively discarding.  The analysis: Is it useful? Does it bring me joy? What will happen if I part with this? What can I use in its place? takes a certain level of executive functioning skill.  Some people have weaknesses in those visual scanning and executive functioning skills that are memorable.  One can coach family members through the process.

 

Anxiety/trauma/attachment issues bring a wholly different level of difficulty to all of that. I recommend honoring their feelings (after discussion) if they are clinging to normal things or starting therapy if they are hoarding trash.

 

 

[Ottakee]

For those of you who asked, yes, all 5 kids came through the foster care system with various backgrounds.  The older 3 are adopted, the younger 2 are still in foster care.  That does play a role in them wanting to keep everything as some of them have lost everything every time they moved.....or for some whenever the adults needed money, etc.

 

It isn't horrible, I just like a nice, clean, uncluttered look.

 

I did start with my master bath and bedroom as those are the rooms most likely to be able to be maintained.  Dh isn't really a collector, hoarder, etc. as he just is a bit messy and doesn't see the mess.  He likes it clean but doesn't mind it messy at all.

 

Next I will move to the common areas of the house.  Honestly, if I can get those all under control, then the kids' bedrooms don't matter as much as long as there is no food, dishes and stinky trash in there.  I want to work with them on keeping things neat and clean, caring for their belongings, etc. but 3 of the 5 are mentally impaired, the other 2 have borderline IQs, and for several of them, there are many other bigger issues to deal with right now.  Such is the life of a foster/adoptive parent.

[SparklyUnicorn]

For those of you who asked, yes, all 5 kids came through the foster care system with various backgrounds.  The older 3 are adopted, the younger 2 are still in foster care.  That does play a role in them wanting to keep everything as some of them have lost everything every time they moved.....or for some whenever the adults needed money, etc.

 

It isn't horrible, I just like a nice, clean, uncluttered look.

 

I did start with my master bath and bedroom as those are the rooms most likely to be able to be maintained.  Dh isn't really a collector, hoarder, etc. as he just is a bit messy and doesn't see the mess.  He likes it clean but doesn't mind it messy at all.

 

Next I will move to the common areas of the house.  Honestly, if I can get those all under control, then the kids' bedrooms don't matter as much as long as there is no food, dishes and stinky trash in there.  I want to work with them on keeping things neat and clean, caring for their belongings, etc. but 3 of the 5 are mentally impaired, the other 2 have borderline IQs, and for several of them, there are many other bigger issues to deal with right now.  Such is the life of a foster/adoptive parent.

 

Under those circumstances I'd definitely proceed cautiously.

 

Oddly my older kid gets attached to some stuff very intensely.  He has this toy kitchen thing that he won't let me throw out.  (He is 14 and absolutely never uses it.)  I could be mean and throw it out, but I'm not out to be mean.  I'm talking getting rid of stuff when nobody is looking, but the stuff is something I am 100% sure won't be missed. 

 

[vonfirmath]

I have spent most of the day today working on the master bedroom. Dh sees nothing wrong with it....complete with stuff everywhere. I prefer a minimalist look.

 

This theme carries to all 5 kids bedrooms and the common areas. How do you keep things looking neat when they save, collect, hoard, everything?

 

I think I've got a even worse problem.  I prefer the minimalist look. But I save, collect, hoard, everything and have a REALLY hard time getting rid of it.