Horrible outcome--I'm heartbroken, my daughter is devastated.

[Mom to Aly]

:( I know my tales are too detailed, but I can't help it--so sorry in advance.

 

This is about my goddaughter, Dy. All week, she has been sleeping at my house, with her parents all day, except the day she spent with them, then her dad dropped her off with her drinking buddies and she stayed out all night. Since then, she has been good about coming home, but her parents pick her up early, saying they have to do something with her, and keep her until really late, even though they had promised to bring her back early. My dd sits and waits, and waits, and waits for her, then gets to spend no time with her. Same thing yesterday, except she made a date while she was with them. I spoke with her while she was with them, and she promised, in front of her mom, to come and spend all day and evening with us. Her dad was taking them to their trailer at a lake this weekend, but both Dy and her mom told me they were leaving tomorrow.

 

Today I made Dy do some chores. She has done nothing since she got here, so she helped clean, did about an hour and a half worth of stuff, piddled, finished around 5, then got ready, and we went out to share a pizza around 6. We were at the restaurant, and her dad called at 6:30. He said he wanted to go to the lake tonight, she said she couldn't, then just handed the phone to me and said I had to talk to him. I got on the phone, and he said he had to pick her up at 7:30. I started to explain about Dy promising to spend time with my dd, and he started yelling he didn't care, didn't want to hear it. I said look, she is part of our family, has responsibilities and needs to live up to them, and he yelled he was coming to pick her up now, and hung up.

 

Dy texted him to please not do this, not make a scene (she said later because a guy she likes works in the restaurant, not because of us!!!). She said she didn't know what to do. I called her mom, who yelled that I was trying to ruin their family (they would have nothing to do with her for the last 2 & 1/2 months, wouldn't even talk to her until she moved in with me!!!), and hung up on me--I tried to call back repeatedly and she told me I was just wasting Dy's minutes.

 

A few minutes later, Dy's Dad, Gene, came into the restaurant. He approached the table, my daughter was on the outside of the booth, Dy inside, me facing them, and said to Dy, "are you going to come or am I going to pick you up?" Then Dy said, "Oh no, Clay (the boy she likes) is going to see this, I have to go." I said, "Gene, she said she'll come at 7:30, like you wanted," and he looked at me and yelled, "Shut the H--- up!! Just shut your mouth!!" I started to say something, and my dd looked at Dy and said, "Please stay, Dy", and Gene bent down, got in her face (he weighs about 400 pounds) so that his nose was almost touching hers and yelled as loud as he could "I said shut the hell up!!".

 

My dd lost it!! She started crying hysterically and shaking, and Dy didn't even look at her, just started pushing past her. I said, "How dare you do that,", and he yelled, "I'll do anything I want! I'm going to ruin you, I'll have you on the street in a month, you will be out of your house and on the street in a month, you wait and see! You will suffer, wait and see!". I looked at Dy, and said, "After he treated her like that, you're going with him?" Dy said, "I'll be back in one minute, I'm not going with him, give me one minute.".

 

She left, my dd was hysterical, I could not calm her down, and by then I was pretty hysterical myself. I paid (Dy was supposed to), and we went out, and, of course, she was gone. My dd cried so much on the way home, she threw up.

 

When we got home, I called Dy, and her dad answered. I asked to speak with her, and he said, "Dy gave me the phone, she doesn't want to talk to you." I said I didn't believe him, and he told her to take it, and she said "No way!", like I had done something! He started to say something, & I lost it. I told him he called himself a Christian, he was disgusting, he had terrorized my daughter, and all we had ever done was be kind to them, and try to help Dy, and I hung up.

 

Then, Debbie, the mom called me. She told me if I was really kicking Dy out, I needed to let them come get her stuff. I said I had never said that (I hadn't) and I would not talk to any of them right then. She called back again, and I told her, just as she wouldn't talk to me when I needed to talk to her, I would not talk to her. That her husband had dared to yell at my child in her face! That they had to leave us alone, I didn't want to hear from them right then. Gene called back, and said I had to let them in to look around for Dy's stuff, in case I wouldn't give it all back (like I want a teenager's clothes!) and if I didn't, he would kick the door in!

 

After that, we left, and I took my dd to B&N far away from the house. I tried to get her to calm down. She sat curled up with me like when she was little and I read to her. Finally, a little after 10:30 (3&1/2 hours later!), we went home. When I drove up to our street, they were in our driveway! I drove on, turned around, and drove out, and they followed us. I lost them on small curves and turns, and went to a friend's house. We stayed there until just now.

 

We discussed it, and my dd knows Dy cannot come back, and that we can have no relationship with her after this. I have realized that she must have told her parents some whoppers too--probably that I said she couldn't come back if she left, and she wanted to go with them, just as she told me she wanted to stay with me, but that they would disown her if she didn't go. That I wouldn't give her stuff back. Who knows what else. My dd is so devastated, I don't even know how to start reparations on this. I am too, but I'm an adult, and know I have to be the strong one here.

 

I sent a message to Dy saying she can pick her stuff up Mon, I'm going to leave it outside, if her parents step foot on my property I'm calling the police. I'm hoping that is the end of it. I don't even know what else to think. I'm just so exhausted and sad right now.

[kat19]

:grouphug: :grouphug:

Oh Wow, you have been through a lot in just one night.

 

I hope the rest of the weekend goes well for you and your dd.

 

Again

:grouphug: :grouphug:

[WTMCassandra]

:grouphug:I'm soooooo sorry. What a terrible experience. There really aren't any words.

[Slartibartfast]

I am so sorry.

 

:grouphug:

 

I cannot imagine how heartbroken you must be. :(

[Guest janainaz]

This story brings up sad memories for me. I could post three pages about this one. I had a horrible rageoholic mother and ....long story short, she made my life misereble. She married someone who had been in prison (she only knew him for two weeks), he moved in, lived with us for three months and we were evicted from our apartment. He was taken back to prison for violating parole. We left with laundry baskets of clothes and no money. I was "put up" with friends during high school and my mother made my life a living hell. I was tied to her emotionally and although I really did not want to be part of her, she had this power over me and she ran off everyone that would help us. It is such a long story, but I really feel bad for you Dy (goddaughter?) Her parents sound so similiar to my mother and how she would react to things, she would embarass me and yet I was enmeshed with her. I don't know how old you dy is, but what a sad situation for her. My mother did that to a friend I was staying with in high scool - I was upset being there (it was not home and there was some issues with my friend, long and complicated) and shared my emotions with her and she ended up humiliating me and going into a fit of rage with them. They threw my suitcase on the doorstep. I was good girl, I would clean and do what I could to help while living there because my mohter offered no financial support, but as my friends mother grew to like me, my friend grew to hate me because she had a bad relationship with her mother. Sigh. I would not hold her dy responsible, it sounds like she does not have a solid foundation. Maybe I don't know the whole thing though. But from what you wrote, she's a victim of her family.

[Tree House Academy]

Gosh, that is terrible! Out of curiousity, how did you become her godmother? I am assuming you were good friends with either the father or the mother at some point? I would definitely tell these people to get out of your life and stay out. It isn't worth it for you or your daughter to be so upset when you were just trying to help this child! Ugh! Cutting ties for now is probably best. As Dy grows up and matures, I am sure she will realize what she did to you and your dd and hopefully be woman enough to come and apologize. As for her parents, OMG! What were they thinking? They acted 12. And I would have had the mind to punch that big fat man screaming at your dd! The NERVE! No one would talk to my kid that way and stand there to tell about it. What a JERK!

[gardening momma]

We discussed it, and my dd knows Dy cannot come back, and that we can have no relationship with her after this.

I think you have made the right decision. Regardless of whether or not Dy has told the truth, you need to keep you and your daughter safe, take care of her emotions, and keep your relationship with each other intact.

[Mom to Aly]

Janainaz: I am so sorry for what you have gone through. And, although I do think Dy is a victim of so many things with her family, and I do think she might have had a slight chance if her parents had left us alone, I don't really think this was all their fault. I have been stunned to realize that the little girl I have loved for so long like my own child has become a selfish, self centered, pathological liar. She went out yesterday and lied about going to a movie--I checked, the movie is not playing anywhere in the area. I told her that, she still lied, I told her I'd checked, she still lied, I said I'd call the theater and ask, she finally admitted it, said it was because she was used to lying to her parents. Maybe... But I know she told them a different story than she told me. And she did a horrible thing the day before--my dd never has any extra money; but she had three dollars, which to her is a HUGE deal!!! We went out, and Dy made her feel really badly about something she wanted to get, and basically talked her out of the money! I didn't know this, until we got home and Dy went out. I walked in on my dd crying in her room. Really crying. I asked her why, and she told me what had happened. Now, Dy's parents have mega money, I mean, like real money--at least, compared to us--he makes well into 6 figures a year, plus bonuses which are more than half his salary. And they do give her money now that they are talking to her again. So for her to do this, knowing that we have nothing, was totally disgusting, and from a child! It made me ill!!!

 

I know that her parents are horrible--they have physically, emotionally and verbally abused her all her life--and I really thought I could make a difference in her life. But, tonight, I realized just how callous, cold and calculating she is. She played me and them for whatever she could get, not caring for a moment about me, or, even more, about my daughter, who has worshipped her since birth, basically. And, while I could forgive a lot of actions against me, I can never, ever forgive what she has done to my daughter, who is still crying in her room, right now.

[Mom to Aly]

Gosh, that is terrible! Out of curiousity, how did you become her godmother? I am assuming you were good friends with either the father or the mother at some point? I would definitely tell these people to get out of your life and stay out. It isn't worth it for you or your daughter to be so upset when you were just trying to help this child! Ugh! Cutting ties for now is probably best. As Dy grows up and matures, I am sure she will realize what she did to you and your dd and hopefully be woman enough to come and apologize. As for her parents, OMG! What were they thinking? They acted 12. And I would have had the mind to punch that big fat man screaming at your dd! The NERVE! No one would talk to my kid that way and stand there to tell about it. What a JERK!

 

Honestly, I don't believe in violence (I am Hindu), and preach that to my daughter, and cannot violate that--although I did seriously consider it, for the first time in my life. But I am also sure he would have seriously hurt me; he is an extremely violent man.

 

As for the relationship, I thought I had mentioned that. Her mom was my best friend for 13 years. She is the one I have written of before, for those that have read my posts; I did more than you can imagine for her (she has back probs and can't do a lot, or so she says--turns out she can do much more than she lets on, Dy has told me). Anyway, after 13 years of friendship, I am Dy's godmother, she was my dd's godmother, she called me up one day, out of the blue, and told me (she had become fundamentalist Christian) that she felt Christ had led her away from me, that I was ****ed to Hell for not being Christian and he would not want her to associate with me or my daughter, and our friendship was over. After I could speak again, I told my daughter, who cried and cried. She wanted to call to say good-bye, called her up, and said "I called to say good-bye", Debbie said "Good-bye" and hung up on her. That was that. (Soon after that was when my daughter started that whole episode with scratching herself, which they said was an early form of "cutting", and went on prozac--it was a combo of that and her dad, who didn't see her, but would call her, and just talking to him upset her too much. She has gotten off of it since then, but it took a long time.)

 

So that was our relationship.

[Mom to Aly]

Oh, and Dy is 19, and was arrested for shoplifting a while ago, is on probation, and arrested for a couple of other things, she says she didn't do (stealing her 15 year old!!! boyfriend's mother's car--I just found out about the 15 yo thing!, and contributing to the delinquency of a minor). Her mom refuses to ever let her live at home again, says she is an adult and she should make it on her own. At least, until now, although I think Dy is using this to get back into her parent's house, because they never made her do anything, really.

[Guest janainaz]

Janainaz: I am so sorry for what you have gone through. And, although I do think Dy is a victim of so many things with her family, and I do think she might have had a slight chance if her parents had left us alone, I don't really think this was all their fault. I have been stunned to realize that the little girl I have loved for so long like my own child has become a selfish, self centered, pathological liar. She went out yesterday and lied about going to a movie--I checked, the movie is not playing anywhere in the area. I told her that, she still lied, I told her I'd checked, she still lied, I said I'd call the theater and ask, she finally admitted it, said it was because she was used to lying to her parents. Maybe... But I know she told them a different story than she told me. And she did a horrible thing the day before--my dd never has any extra money; but she had three dollars, which to her is a HUGE deal!!! We went out, and Dy made her feel really badly about something she wanted to get, and basically talked her out of the money! I didn't know this, until we got home and Dy went out. I walked in on my dd crying in her room. Really crying. I asked her why, and she told me what had happened. Now, Dy's parents have mega money, I mean, like real money--at least, compared to us--he makes well into 6 figures a year, plus bonuses which are more than half his salary. And they do give her money now that they are talking to her again. So for her to do this, knowing that we have nothing, was totally disgusting, and from a child! It made me ill!!!

 

I know that her parents are horrible--they have physically, emotionally and verbally abused her all her life--and I really thought I could make a difference in her life. But, tonight, I realized just how callous, cold and calculating she is. She played me and them for whatever she could get, not caring for a moment about me, or, even more, about my daughter, who has worshipped her since birth, basically. And, while I could forgive a lot of actions against me, I can never, ever forgive what she has done to my daughter, who is still crying in her room, right now.

 

thank you :) As I was reading, I was probably reading through the blinders of my own life. Yes, different circumstance for her and while I was not a saint, I did have a conscience. The true and genuine love you have shown her will have impact someday, it does not come back empty - trust me. And as for my kids, I become a lion when I see them hurt and I certainly understand the concern for your own daughter. So sorry for you, it's hard to reach your hands out to help and feel like it's rejected, but love always wins. I have never forgotten a person God placed in my life that showed me love - I look at it like his fingerprints in my life, it was how I knew he really did exist.

[Mom to Aly]

thank you :) As I was reading, I was probably reading through the blinders of my own life. Yes, different circumstance for her and while I was not a saint, I did have a conscience. The true and genuine love you have shown her will have impact someday, it does not come back empty - trust me. And as for my kids, I become a lion when I see them hurt and I certainly understand the concern for your own daughter. So sorry for you, it's hard to reach your hands out to help and feel like it's rejected, but love always wins. I have never forgotten a person God placed in my life that showed me love - I look at it like his fingerprints in my life, it was how I knew he really did exist.

 

Jana: I can't imagine how hard your life must have been, and think it is amazing you came out of it with the attitude you did. I think that is a testimony to what a wonderful person you are. I know your children are very lucky to have you as their mother.:001_smile:

[JennifersLost]

I can hear that you are so hurt and feel betrayed right now. You tried to help someone and it didn't work and that is so hard.

 

I think one thing to learn from this situation (not that it helps right now, but still...) is that when you work with people who have been really messed up, either from years of abuse, or years of addiction, or whatever, you have to help them while staying separate from them.

 

People get to a point where they are damaged. I think Dy was truthful when she said she's too used to lying to tell the truth. She is in survival mode. She has stepped outside the realm of "humanity" and into the realm of "doing what it takes". You have to be so careful when you get around someone like that. You have to know what's possible and what's not when you try to help them. Fear, abuse, drugs and poverty warp people's sensibilities. They are beyond worrying about right and wrong.

 

I would consider reading more about emotional abuse to understand Dy's situation better and share what you learn with your dd, to the extent she can understand it. It's good information for her to have as she gets older - to recognize people who will "use" her because they have been hurt so badly themselves.

 

I think you are doing the right thing by distancing yourself from Dy and her family. If she ever re-enters your life consider helping her by referring her to professionals - counselors, self-help programs, etc.

 

I think most of us learn this lesson the hard way at some point. We want to help those we love, but it isn't always possible.

 

Take it easy on yourself and love that daughter of yours. You did what you could.

[teamturner]

I think you are doing the right thing by distancing yourself from Dy and her family. If she ever re-enters your life consider helping her by referring her to professionals - counselors, self-help programs, etc.

 

Take it easy on yourself and love that daughter of yours. You did what you could.

 

:iagree: I totally agree with this advice! What a bunch of toxic people this family is. You went way out of your way to help this girl and all it did was get you and your dd hurt. You are doing the right thing my keeping them out of your life.

 

:grouphug: to you and your dd. After reading many of your posts I have thought of and prayed for you both often. I pray you will be at peace in this situation.

[Karen in CO]

:grouphug:

hug your baby. you tried to do a very good thing, but often people aren't ready to be helped she needed more than you could give her.

 

don't let those people near your family. don't speak to them or they will start trying to drag you back down into their circle of lies and dispair. you have to be strong for your dd.

 

put her stuff on the porch and don't be there when they come to get it. call the cops if you have to. get a restraining order if you have to.

 

also, try to find something you and your dd can do that is positive and giving. it will help to take to focus off of the hurt you have. maybe volunteer dog walker at the local animal shelter or volunteer at some rescue center or something that will bring some goodness back into your life to help heal.

 

Diwali is October 17 this year, maybe plan a big celebration.

 

:grouphug: hold each other tightly.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Aly's mom,

 

I'm so, so sorry that this blew up like this. I am praying for your safety until Dy's possessions have been given back. And I'm praying for Aly to heal from such abusive behavior.

 

I'm so glad that you are standing up for Aly, even though I know that it is so hard.

 

I hope that you and Aly can find a measure of calm in which to recover. Those kinds of traumatic encounters leave you emotionally shaking, and drained. Would you be able to take Aly in your new car to somewhere out in nature but still within your budget? Even for a day? Somewhere where you will both feel safe? When I was in a similar situation I went for long walks on the beach with no one around. It was the only thing that kept me sane during that time (and the only thing that stopped the nightmares).

[Mom to Aly]

Well, Aly did not fall asleep until after 4, and is already up. I didn't get a moment's sleep, and cried all night. With time alone to think, I'm stunned at how hurt and betrayed I feel, in addition to the overwhelming anger I feel, especially towards Dy's parents. I did call, and I can get a protective order against them, which I am considering, but I don't know if that would just trigger more problems or not. Gene does scare me--he is an ex-cop who knows cops, and other people, the type who can do things, cause problems. I'm hoping giving Dy her stuff will get them to just leave me alone.

 

Thank you all for the advice and sympathy. I feel so very alone, I don't know what to do (and the meanies who keep rating my threads so low are getting me down--silly, but it hurts :( ). I do plan to keep Aly busy. There is an SPCA where we used to volunteer, and I plan to get us back into that immediately. I am also applying for scholarships for our science museum, for a membership, and our art museum, for a one day class for her. I found a food pantry we can go to, which is great because we run out of food money early now that we are trying to eat healthy (junk is cheap, good food costs money! ;) ), and I was asked to become the head of our hs group, which I turned down (I'm even more glad now), but accepted second in charge--I'm working on field trips, and trying to get lots of low cost or free ones, and I plan on keeping us really busy with that. I'm going to make sure Aly has a really busy social life and makes lots of new friends, and sees her other friends often, and hopefully I can help fill the huge void Dy is going to leave in her life.

 

Plus, when it comes right down to it, although this is a huge hurt, Aly and I are so close, so good together, so harmonious, is how I always describe us, I know we can make it through anything. I just wish she didn't have to live through this type of hurt again. I honestly feel like I can't let anyone else into her life, no one that close, because of the risk it would be. My fam may suck for the most part, but they are fam, and I know that, in the long run, they aren't going anywhere.

[8filltheheart]

I am not at all surprised by what occurred. It seems to me that the behaviors they exhibited are not new.

 

Dy is obviously a young lady with serious problems. She lies, she steals, she manipulates. You knew that. She lied to you and she manipulated you to let her have "another chance." Users/takers that exhibit those traits will play victim over and over in front of you and then are playing the exact same characteristics with the people on the other side (in this case her parents, friends.....I'm sure she spewed nasty details about you to them)

 

You have your version of what happened. There is absolutely no telling what she told her parents prior to the phone calls. I would say that her mom's comments reveal that Dy told them that you were going to kick her out if she didn't do x,y, and z in an extremely slanted, manipulative way to make them have the same concerns toward you as you have expressed toward them.

 

I just wish she didn't have to live through this type of hurt again. I honestly feel like I can't let anyone else into her life, no one that close, because of the risk it would be.

 

I am not sure why you were surprised by what happened or why you subjected the two of you to the possibility after the last scenerio. Dy and her parents demonstrated the exact same behaviors that you have posted in the past as possessing. You invited this situation into your home. You enabled Dy to continue the behavior by not enforcing the pre-conditions you established.

 

Based on the family history you have posted, you are not unfamiliar with people that are mentally unstable. The cycle is exactly what I would have anticipated based just on what you have shared. Dy's family is a textbook family description........... No one seems to take responsibility for their actions, everyone blames the other person, liars play people off of eachother to make themselves the poor person victimized. You invited yourself into the fray and a week or two ago, the handwriting was on the wall as to where it was going to end up.

 

I am very sorry for Aly. Little kids cannot understand the dysfunction. They just know they hurt.

[Chris in VA]

Mom to Aly,

 

I just want to say I'm sorry for your and your daughter's hurt. Dealing with people who are obviously mentally ill is so very difficult. ITA with a previous poster who said Dy is in survival mode. I've been thru some of that with my son.

 

I know what it is like to want to save, rescue, make someone's life better. You have a heart that so desperately wanted to help Dy, and I'm sure it was a shock to you to discover the level of disfunction she is capable of. There's something about level of alarm you might want to be aware of--I can't remember the actual name of the phenomenon, but it basically is that, once bad things happen, the next bad thing doesn't seem so bad, because you've gotten used to bad stuff. So you can go pretty low and cope fairly well, because what used to raise alarm in you is just not that bad compared with what you are dealing with now. The trick is to remain objective, so you can really see things as they are. It takes either a trained eye or someone out of the mess to give good advice. What I'm saying is, you are at the beginning of the trail--I think you need to completely step off of it, as you have stated you want to, before you and your dd experience worse abuse--which won't seem that bad because your threshold of alarm will be screwed up due to the bad stuff you've already encountered.

 

(I don't know if that makes sense, but I'm trying!)

 

Anyway, I'm so sorry you had to experience such hard stuff. Please don't let it sour you on relationship for Aly's sake--perhaps these folks are toxic and it would be wise to disengage, but there will be others who are healthier. You were so kind but perhaps naive to think a healthy home life and lots of love can cure someone so ill. Believe me, I wish it were so--

 

Be gentle with yourself, too. YOu were not stupid and you tried hard. That is worth something. Something huge.

 

Maybe in a while you can help Aly write a letter to Dy, which she doesn't need to send, to get out her feelings of hurt and betrayal and whatever else her tender little heart is feeling.

[amy g.]

I just wanted to offer you a little encouragement.

 

My mother is mentally ill. Her behavior is similar to Dy's mother. One of her strategies was making sure we could never be close to anybody other than her. I desperately wanted to free myself from the dysfunction.

 

When I moved out of state to live with a sane aunt, and pay my own way through college, she sabotaged it.

 

When I was in high school, and moved in with my dad, she sabotaged it.

 

Looking back, I can see that she would not have had the power to defeat me if I had not given her that power, but it is very hard for a "child" to see that when they have been lied to all of their lives.

 

I did not have the courage to make a clean break with my mom until my own kids were born, and I saw that she was hell-bent on repeating her destructive pattern with them.

 

My oldest had a very close friend that is similar to Dy. I never let her move in, but I did have to hold my daughter many nights while she cried in hurt and disappointment over that relationship.

 

My 9 year old is very close to my alcoholic brother. I did not let him move in either, but Dd has really been devastated by his behavior. I know how it feels as a mother to see your child in so much pain, and wonder if you could have done something to prevent it.

 

The good news is that in hindsight, I think that my daughters have been really strengthened by their painfully experiences. I HIGHLY doubt that either of them will fall for a boyfriend who is a lier or a victim personality. I really believe that they will recognize the pattern and reject it.

 

As for Dy, I have hope for her as well. I have a happy marriage and well- adjusted children in spite of my past. You set a good example of loving Dy, and also setting limits on what you would put up with.

 

I know that the love and honesty that you give Ally will carry her through this difficult time.

 

The saddest part of the whole situation is the not Dy or you, or your daughter but the fact that people would give a low rating to this thread in an attempt to kick you while you are down.

 

I sincerely hope that they get what they deserve in payment.

[lynn]

:( I know my tales are too detailed, but I can't help it--so sorry in advance.

 

This is about my goddaughter, Dy. All week, she has been sleeping at my house, with her parents all day, except the day she spent with them, then her dad dropped her off with her drinking buddies and she stayed out all night. Since then, she has been good about coming home, but her parents pick her up early, saying they have to do something with her, and keep her until really late, even though they had promised to bring her back early. My dd sits and waits, and waits, and waits for her, then gets to spend no time with her. Same thing yesterday, except she made a date while she was with them. I spoke with her while she was with them, and she promised, in front of her mom, to come and spend all day and evening with us. Her dad was taking them to their trailer at a lake this weekend, but both Dy and her mom told me they were leaving tomorrow.

 

Today I made Dy do some chores. She has done nothing since she got here, so she helped clean, did about an hour and a half worth of stuff, piddled, finished around 5, then got ready, and we went out to share a pizza around 6. We were at the restaurant, and her dad called at 6:30. He said he wanted to go to the lake tonight, she said she couldn't, then just handed the phone to me and said I had to talk to him. I got on the phone, and he said he had to pick her up at 7:30. I started to explain about Dy promising to spend time with my dd, and he started yelling he didn't care, didn't want to hear it. I said look, she is part of our family, has responsibilities and needs to live up to them, and he yelled he was coming to pick her up now, and hung up.

 

Dy texted him to please not do this, not make a scene (she said later because a guy she likes works in the restaurant, not because of us!!!). She said she didn't know what to do. I called her mom, who yelled that I was trying to ruin their family (they would have nothing to do with her for the last 2 & 1/2 months, wouldn't even talk to her until she moved in with me!!!), and hung up on me--I tried to call back repeatedly and she told me I was just wasting Dy's minutes.

 

A few minutes later, Dy's Dad, Gene, came into the restaurant. He approached the table, my daughter was on the outside of the booth, Dy inside, me facing them, and said to Dy, "are you going to come or am I going to pick you up?" Then Dy said, "Oh no, Clay (the boy she likes) is going to see this, I have to go." I said, "Gene, she said she'll come at 7:30, like you wanted," and he looked at me and yelled, "Shut the H--- up!! Just shut your mouth!!" I started to say something, and my dd looked at Dy and said, "Please stay, Dy", and Gene bent down, got in her face (he weighs about 400 pounds) so that his nose was almost touching hers and yelled as loud as he could "I said shut the hell up!!".

 

My dd lost it!! She started crying hysterically and shaking, and Dy didn't even look at her, just started pushing past her. I said, "How dare you do that,", and he yelled, "I'll do anything I want! I'm going to ruin you, I'll have you on the street in a month, you will be out of your house and on the street in a month, you wait and see! You will suffer, wait and see!". I looked at Dy, and said, "After he treated her like that, you're going with him?" Dy said, "I'll be back in one minute, I'm not going with him, give me one minute.".

 

She left, my dd was hysterical, I could not calm her down, and by then I was pretty hysterical myself. I paid (Dy was supposed to), and we went out, and, of course, she was gone. My dd cried so much on the way home, she threw up.

 

When we got home, I called Dy, and her dad answered. I asked to speak with her, and he said, "Dy gave me the phone, she doesn't want to talk to you." I said I didn't believe him, and he told her to take it, and she said "No way!", like I had done something! He started to say something, & I lost it. I told him he called himself a Christian, he was disgusting, he had terrorized my daughter, and all we had ever done was be kind to them, and try to help Dy, and I hung up.

 

Then, Debbie, the mom called me. She told me if I was really kicking Dy out, I needed to let them come get her stuff. I said I had never said that (I hadn't) and I would not talk to any of them right then. She called back again, and I told her, just as she wouldn't talk to me when I needed to talk to her, I would not talk to her. That her husband had dared to yell at my child in her face! That they had to leave us alone, I didn't want to hear from them right then. Gene called back, and said I had to let them in to look around for Dy's stuff, in case I wouldn't give it all back (like I want a teenager's clothes!) and if I didn't, he would kick the door in!

 

After that, we left, and I took my dd to B&N far away from the house. I tried to get her to calm down. She sat curled up with me like when she was little and I read to her. Finally, a little after 10:30 (3&1/2 hours later!), we went home. When I drove up to our street, they were in our driveway! I drove on, turned around, and drove out, and they followed us. I lost them on small curves and turns, and went to a friend's house. We stayed there until just now.

 

We discussed it, and my dd knows Dy cannot come back, and that we can have no relationship with her after this. I have realized that she must have told her parents some whoppers too--probably that I said she couldn't come back if she left, and she wanted to go with them, just as she told me she wanted to stay with me, but that they would disown her if she didn't go. That I wouldn't give her stuff back. Who knows what else. My dd is so devastated, I don't even know how to start reparations on this. I am too, but I'm an adult, and know I have to be the strong one here.

 

I sent a message to Dy saying she can pick her stuff up Mon, I'm going to leave it outside, if her parents step foot on my property I'm calling the police. I'm hoping that is the end of it. I don't even know what else to think. I'm just so exhausted and sad right now.

 

I thought this ended earlier this week when she did not come to your house? Sounds like a toxic relationship and you have been so kind and gracious but as hard as it may be you are doing the right thing. You're dd has to understand that some people can not be helped in this world no matter how many chances or how much kindness, forgiveness and understanding you extend to them.

[Jenny in Florida]

I was so hoping that this would be a good experience for all three of you, and it is heartbreaking to hear it turned so ugly so quickly.

 

I, too, have a crazy, controlling, manipulative "mother," although not to the degree Dy has survived. I haven't spoken to mine or had any contact with her for more than 10 years, and making that break was both the hardest and the best decision I ever made.

 

There was a very rocky period, though, when my "parents" pulled out all the stops and did everything they could to either regain control of my life or ruin it. They did neither, and I cam out the other side. But, honestly, I will never be the person I might have been without that experience. I'm probably stronger, but I'm more guarded, too.

 

My heart goes out to you, knowing what a good and caring person you are and how much you wanted to save this girl. My heart goes out to Aly, knowing how hurtful and confusing this must be for her.

 

My heart even goes out to Dy, knowing what turmoil her life and soul are probably in right now.

 

But, if my advice is worth anything, I have to say that I think you are right to cut ties. Dy is going to have to grow up and make her own choice to walk away from the craziness. Until she is strong enough to do that, no one will be able to rescue her, no matter how wonderful that person might be.

 

You and Aly (and Dy) are in my thoughts and my heart.

[Just Me]

I just wanted to post quickly to let you now that I have been praying for you and your girl. I am so sorry you and she have had to go through this. Keep safe, and thank you for caring for a hurting teenager. I was one, and I appreciated the people who touched my life. :)

[CactusPair]

:grouphug:

 

Please stay away from them, no matter what. Very scary.

 

I'm so sorry this happened to you and your dd.

[Academy of Jedi Arts]

:grouphug: You tried to help out someone in need, and they are not emotionally ready to accept the gracious help you offered. It's a sad situation all around. I hope you and your dd can have a bit of fun this weekend and unwind from all the stress.

 

ITA with the advice that it would be best to further help this girl only by referring her to people, places, and organizations that can help her help herself. Not only would it be better for her, it would help you enforce your personal boundaries.

[Guest janainaz]

Jana: I can't imagine how hard your life must have been, and think it is amazing you came out of it with the attitude you did. I think that is a testimony to what a wonderful person you are. I know your children are very lucky to have you as their mother.:001_smile:

 

I appreciate your comment, really. I know all too well there are many many people who go through suffering in this life, I am not the only one. I am grateful for that road though, because I do see people differently now. It has caused me to look beyond the surface.

[Lovedtodeath]

I know that her parents are horrible--they have physically, emotionally and verbally abused her all her life--and I really thought I could make a difference in her life. But, tonight, I realized just how callous, cold and calculating she is. She played me and them for whatever she could get, not caring for a moment about me, or, even more, about my daughter, who has worshipped her since birth, basically. And, while I could forgive a lot of actions against me, I can never, ever forgive what she has done to my daughter, who is still crying in her room, right now.

 

:grouphug: I know exactly what you mean. We had someone stay with us over the summer and we were trying to help her. We got her a job, let her use our car and studied the Bible with her. She was headed down the wrong path and we could see it. I warned her that if she chose that path she would no longer be a part of the family. She acted like a part of the family and spent time with my children, esp DD. Summer ended and she chose her friends at school and their immoral lifestyle over us. DD is heartbroken. We are relieved to have her gone. Our family life is drastically improving without her here. You are doing the right thing. :grouphug:

[Mom to Aly]

Mom of 7, I pm'ed you. Amy G, I'm so sorry you went through all of that, and thank you for your kind words. I'm also so glad you got away from all of it. Chris in VA, I do see what you're saying, and I hadn't thought of that before, didn't know about that phenomenon, but it does make sense. I think that is what happened to me in my marriage. By the time my ex and I split up, after he had been gone a while, I started to realize how horrific the emotional and verbal abuse was--but it was like it had crept up over such a long time, I hadn't really understood how bad it had become.

 

To all of you, thank you so much for sharing; I wish we had rep so I could rep you all :(. I miss my rep :(--and, yes, at this moment, I do feel that shallow! Something, anything, that would be a little bit of happiness right now would be nice. (I'd do the winking smilie, which is usually my fave, but he is smiling, and I just can't have that right now.)

 

Aly is trying to be really brave today, but I can see through it. When she doesn't know I'm looking she just sits there, staring into space, and cries sometimes. Our cats and dogs are all staying right next to her, haven't left her since last night. I think that is so amazing; they just know. OK, have to have a smilie for that :). I just feel empty, and can't stop crying (not in front of her, though), but I think part of that is because I am so tired, hard to hold in the emotions. And my blood sugar is sky high (I'm diabetic), I guess because of stress, and my dr. was supposed to call in my meds and didn't, so I'm like, ewwww--well, just don't feel great, anyway.

 

So, sucky day. But I had a gift card to Rite Aid and got a bunch of cleaning supplies, and am sitting looking at them, hoping to somehow get the energy to clean my house. Yeah. Right.

Edited September 27, 2008 by Mom to Aly

[Mom to Aly]

For anyone who reads this now, something else has been bothering me, and I couldn't quite figure it out--I think I've got it. This may sound ridiculous, but it bothers me tremendously that I sat there while Gene yelled in my dd's face. I didn't get up, I didn't stand in front of him, nothing. Does that sound really weird to you?

[Unicorn.]

I'm sorry things didn't work out w/ Dy. She and her family need serious help. I hope they get it someday. As for you and Aly, don't feel bad for trying to love someone, and help them have a better life. Feel good that you did what you could, and maybe someday Dy will realize the gift that she gave up. It is sad for all concerned.

 

I also want to say that it's ok to let your dd see you cry. You're sad, and grown-ups get sad. It's not healthy to "not" let her see you cry- she'll grow up thinking that it's not ok for grown-ups, and will start bottling up her pain. (I know-I'm an expert at it, and it's not healthy)

 

You and your dd need to get out of the house and stay busy for awhile. (((( for both of you))) I will pray for you and your dd to find some peace, and for things to turn around for you both.

[Unicorn.]

It sounds like you were in shock that he was actually doing that. I know sometimes I wish that I had reacted or reacted differently in a situation. I think that sometimes I am shocked that people can actually act a certain way, because I just can't fathom doing something, that it makes me speechless. Kwim?

[Carol in Cal.]

For anyone who reads this now, something else has been bothering me, and I couldn't quite figure it out--I think I've got it. This may sound ridiculous, but it bothers me tremendously that I sat there while Gene yelled in my dd's face. I didn't get up, I didn't stand in front of him, nothing. Does that sound really weird to you?

 

I can't imagine failing to intervene. I think that it would be a good idea for you to explore this further.

[Heather in the Kootenays]

If you've suffered from abuse in your past, you may have retreated right back into those memories.

 

If you have never suffered abuse, you were probably too stunned to react.

 

It doesn't sound weird at all to me.

 

:grouphug:

[lwilliams1922]

For anyone who reads this now, something else has been bothering me, and I couldn't quite figure it out--I think I've got it. This may sound ridiculous, but it bothers me tremendously that I sat there while Gene yelled in my dd's face. I didn't get up, I didn't stand in front of him, nothing. Does that sound really weird to you?

 

 

That is really scary!

I'm soooo sorry this happned to you guys

:grouphug::grouphug:

[Mom to Aly]

Unicorn and Heather: I got some sleep and thought about it--I think you are right. For one thing, that is the way my dad would do--get in your face and scream at the top of his lungs. You weren't allowed to react at all. If he had touched my dd, I am sure I would have done something, but he moved away immediately, but it was like I was frozen, I couldn't move, couldn't get up until after he left. I can't stop thinking about it, and feeling like I failed her there, but I really feel like I was helpless; even now, it's almost like I can't see how I could have done something different.

 

Plus, like I said, he is really violent, and I think somewhere I knew he wouldn't touch my dd, but, if I had stood up, it could have gotten bad. I'm overweight, but he is well over twice my size, and just horribly violent, and frightening.

 

Anyway... My dd has just wanted to play gamecube all day, in addition to a nap, and I've let her. She doesn't want to talk about it, so I'm giving her some space. I guess she is trying to figure it out. I told my mom and sister everything, and then called back; my sister basically said, what did you expect, and my mom, when I called back, and said I was really, really down, said she didn't see why, and I just had to get over it ??? I said it just happened last night, and she said it was time to let go. My mom is usually a bit more sympathetic, don't know what is going on there.

 

Anyway, thanks guys, so much. I'll just be glad when Dy picks up her stuff and is out of our lives.

[Heather in the Kootenays]

I work in a woman's shelter and your reaction was normal given your history.

 

Don't forget that bullies like that typically wouldn't hurt a child in public. They know how far they can go.

 

Please don't waver in your commitment to protect dd by keeping that very toxic family away from both of you.

[Mom to Aly]

No, Heather, there is no way I will let Dy back in our lives in any way at all. Aly and I did speak about that today, and she agrees. She does understand the level of betrayal this was, and that Dy is not the way she used to be, that she is a different person than she used to be. I'm amazed she gets that, but she does, thank goodness.

[Guest janainaz]

I agree that you must have been stunned! I would have been and later I would have been angry at myself for not doing anything, but there's nothing wrong with you. Sudden psychotic behavior takes time to process.:001_huh:

[mazakaal]

((((Mom to Aly))))

 

I'm so sorry that you had to go through all that. What a horrible experience for you and your dd.

 

I haven't read all the responses, so I don't know if this has been suggested, but if I were you, I would ask the police to be present when they come to pick up Dy's stuff. I don't think that it matters that you told the parents not to come. They don't seem to have had much respect for your wishes in the past, so I can't imagine them respecting this one. And, while you can call the police once they arrive, there is, of course lage time for them to get there. I'm not saying that the dad would get violent in a few minutes, but he might make it very unpleasant again. I'm sure you don't want to repeat the restaurant scene. In addition, the police would act as witnesses that Dy has gotten all her stuff, so that she and her parents couldn't make accusations later, something that I wouldn't put past them. Call your local police department, ask if an officer can be there at x time and then let Dy know that she must come at that time.

 

Hope it all goes well tomorrow.

 

Megan

[Heather in the Kootenays]

:grouphug::grouphug: to you both.

[sleepy]

 

Plus, like I said, he is really violent, and I think somewhere I knew he wouldn't touch my dd, but, if I had stood up, it could have gotten bad. I'm overweight, but he is well over twice my size, and just horribly violent, and frightening.

 

 

Forgive me if you've already addressed this, but have you considered getting a restraining order against this man?

 

I just feel horrible that you and your daughter have been subjected to this kind of violent behavior...:grouphug:

[Mom to Aly]

I've been thinking about this ever since it happened, couldn't sleep again last night, and it still all seemed too strange. I realized Dy must have been telling her parents stories, and me other stories, because it was too much--her mom calling me and saying "If you are kicking her out we need to pick up her stuff"--I never said I was kicking her out.

 

I have been planning a big zoo trip with our local hs group, and got some checks yesterday, went to put them in with the money this morn, and, you guessed it--the money is gone, $85. So, now, it all makes sense--Dy sold me, and, more importantly, my daughter and her heart for $85.

 

I called Dy's mom, and told her everything--everything Dy has said about them, the whole thing, and she told me everything--two completely different stories, down to what happened Friday. Dy told them I wanted her to have nothing to do with them, they had been telling her all week she had to leave Fri, me Sat. She told them I wanted her to break ties with them, wanted her to be with us, never speak to them, saying horrible things about them (I told her the first day, her mom and I were no longer friends, but I would never speak against them, they were her parents).

 

None of this forgives Gene yelling at my dd, of course, but he is hard of hearing, and thought Aly said to him to leave, not to Dy to not leave (he did say, when I said how dare you yell at her, Did you hear what she said to me?). Believe me, I still plan to have nothing to do with them, ever, Dy especially, but I feel they needed to know.

 

Her other plan was to get back into their house, and they have let her in, until she messes up. I'm sure that won't be long. I can't believe they are going to let her stay, after what I told them. Debbie believed it all, instantly; she knows Dy, and it all made sense; she said she couldn't believe any of it, knew I wasn't like that, and didn't believe most of what Dy said I said anyway.

 

I am more sure than ever that I just want them out of our lives for good. I am going to give them Dy's stuff Mon, or whenever Debbie is back in town, I think Wed., I don't want Gene to come here, and Dy lost her driver's license (forgot about that). I don't really want to see Dy now, but I think Aly might want to say good-bye; she may not after I tell her about the money; don't know yet. I feel I have to tell her; I can't lie, and she needs to know how bad she got, understand this is what she has become.

 

I truly feel she sold us out for $85 and a ticket to her parent's house. & I am disgusted and heartbroken, but more disgusted now, and angry, which is a little better. Less painful.

[Heather in the Kootenays]

Sorry for yelling but I don't care if she told him to "go f himself" or insert whatever vile thing you want in here. There is no excuse. It just doesn't matter what she did.

 

This man is abusive. He'll always have an excuse for whatever he does.

 

Just in case you ever waver about this - :grouphug:

 

Can you tell I feel strongly about this?

[Mom to Aly]

Heather, believe me, I didn't mean it in any way excuses him! I know it was disgusting and unforgivable, and I think he is a beast for having done it! I won't let him come to pick up Dy's stuff, I don't want Dy to either, unless Aly insists on saying good-bye, although I don't think she'll want to now. I never want to see any of them again, really.

 

And, I can guarantee you, I will never waver. I know this. Dy used and abused us, and, even if I could ever forgive that for me, which I couldn't, I could never, ever forgive her doing that to my sweet, innocent child, who loved her so completely, who has done everything for her! She called her her sister! It so sickens me, I can't tell you. And I'm getting back to heartbroken, and crying again. Have to go work on mad.