Promoting love between 2 sisters

[daijobu]

Mine are close in age (18 months apart) and do not fight often, but they do have very different personalities.  I want to do more to promote sisterly affection before they go their separate ways in life.  What did your parents do to help in this regard and what do you do and/or say to your daughters?  

 

Thanks!  

[SKL]

My sister and I shared a room and a bed until we were 13.  We shared most things.  We wouldn't have called ourselves good friends as kids, though.  We fought and didn't tolerate each other very well.  But we did talk a lot.  In high school and college, we would go on frequent long walks and talk about everything - from school annoyances to solving the worlds' problems.  Eventually we became actual friends as adults.

 

I guess you could say my parents' strategy was to leave us alone together a lot.  :)

 

My kids are much nicer to each other than I was to my sister.  They also share everything, including a bed nowadays, but in their case it is by choice.  I pretty much make them do everything together, because it is convenient for me.  When they aren't being nice to each other, I usually call them out but make them work it out together.  When things get really dicey, I may separate them as a punishment.  :P

 

My kids have very different abilities.  Remembering jealousies from my childhood, I started early pointing out that while Miss E learned __ first, miss A learned __ first.  And later, Miss E is talented at __ while Miss A is talented at __.  I try not to give the impression that I value one kid's talents over the other.  And my kids have taken this cue, so they encourage each other rather than getting into superior / inferior nonsense.

 

We are far from perfect, but I think we have a good thing going so far.   I really hope my kids will be lifelong friends.  What could make a mom happier?

[Tsuga]

Mine are close in age (18 months apart) and do not fight often, but they do have very different personalities.  I want to do more to promote sisterly affection before they go their separate ways in life.  What did your parents do to help in this regard and what do you do and/or say to your daughters?  

 

Thanks!  

 

Begged, pleaded, cajoled, bribed, yelled, and guilted.

 

It didn't work.

 

We screamed, hit, cried, yelled, joked, played Barbies, rode bikes, had friends, and became enemies.

 

As we got older, I became sorry for all the rejection and she became sorry for the nagging, we grew up and apologized and made up.

 

I try to let my kids work out as much as they can. I try to help both of them become basically moral, decent people. I think, I hope, that's enough.

[maize]

There's a book called Siblings without Rivalry, been a long time but I thought it a worthwhile read.

[Pink and Green Mom]

There's a book called Siblings without Rivalry, been a long time but I thought it a worthwhile read.

:iagree: I cannot agree more.  If my mother had read this book, perhaps my sister and I would be closer.  My mom would be the first to admit this.

[TranquilMind]

Mine are close in age (18 months apart) and do not fight often, but they do have very different personalities.  I want to do more to promote sisterly affection before they go their separate ways in life.  What did your parents do to help in this regard and what do you do and/or say to your daughters?  

 

Thanks!  

Well, I told mine a LOT when they were young that your siblings are the only ones who will remember your life and your childhood.  Your parents will, but you won't always have them, so some day for Thanksgiving, it will be just you guys and you need to be best friends.

They seem to be. 

 

Lest I sound morbid, I should mention that we are old parents and I have lost almost everyone, which is why this is so relevant and important to me. 

[Night Elf]

I don't know the secret. I'm 6 years younger than my sister and we may have been considered in two different generations. My mom always encouraged us to love one another because that's what sisters do. She encouraged my sister to spend time with me but my sister hated it. She was very mean to me when mom was out of hearing. As an adult, she told me she resented my mom making her play with me and spend time with me. She told me I wasn't her responsibility and it was mean of mom to make it so. I wouldn't say we're friends now. We just lead totally separate lives. We talk a few times a year, usually a long email to catch up with what's happening in our lives.

 

Now my girls are also 6 years apart and they are close. Oldest dd loved playing with youngest dd when they were little. And now, dd23 makes a point to get dd17 at least once a week just to hang out even if they don't go anywhere but her house and watch tv. I love that they are close, but I honestly didn't do anything specific to help it along. I honestly believe it's about personality.

[Entropymama]

We read a book called "Making Brothers and Sisters Best Friends" about five years ago. It was as hokey as it sounds but it did seem to help them get some perspective about their siblings being around forever when other people might not be. My girls are not super close, but they're 14 and 10 so the age difference is noticeable. They were closer when they were younger and shared a room. 

 

I think the only thing we do on purpose is to create as many memories as possible within the family. We used to take weekly trips to museums or somewhere. That's slowed down now that my oldest is in school, but we still try to do fun stuff together on purpose. And we have traditions. Traditions really cement people together. 

[kewb]

Siblings without rivalry has some useful tools.

I don't think there is anything my parents could have done that would have fostered a love between my sister and I. We are night and day personality wise. We fought all the time growing up. Her leaving for college was the best thing that ever happened to our relationship. Even as adults we max out after 3 days of being together.

However, we might not have been friends growing up but I knew my sister would be there for something that mattered. For example, only she was allowed to bully me. Anyone else tried and she let them have it. I suppose that was sisterly love.

 

To show an example of love, there is a pic of my sister and I in 4 seater swing. I am a baby my sister is 3 or 4. She has her arm around me. One day I came across the pic and said "look dad, sister is being nice to me." my father looked at the pic and said. "yes, I think she pushed you out right after I took the picture."

Edited February 23, 2016 by kewb

[MEmama]

I don't think my parents could have done anything for me and my sister either, though it's impossible to say since goodness knows there was no effort put into it. As kids (she is 5 years older) she got her kicks out being cruel and hurtful to me, when she paid attention at all. As adults we live completely separate lives. There is no reason to think we can ever do more than tolerate each other for a few minutes every few years when forced to be in the same space. There's just no fabric to piece together to form any sort of relationship.

 

Good for the OP for trying. I hope it works, but I also think an awful lot of it comes down to luck.

[gardenmom5]

my 'olders' are all adults.  they have very good relationships with each other, and they choose to spend time together (only one is at home).  I loved each of my girls for who they were.    we did things as a family.  we focused on having fun and uplifting times together.

 

what I did NOT do - was what my mother did.   I did NOT push them to spend time together.   (though they did share a room for awhile.).  I never compared them to each other.  I never excused bad behavior (or made a younger sibling defend themself from an older and more capable sibling) and I NEVER, EVER - forced them to compete with each other (especially for my affections or approbation.)

Edited February 23, 2016 by gardenmom5

[Okra]

I started from a very young age, comments like, "Wow, I'm surprised you're fighting, usually you are such good friends.....I'm sure we can work this out."

 

This is just a subtle reminder that......remember......you have had a lot of good times together. Sisters can be friends.

 

My girls are very different, but they are close.  That doesn't mean that they never argue or fight.  

 

They also share a room, and they have lots of fond memories of their long talks at night, or the crazy things they did after "bedtime"

[ThisIsTheDay]

My kids are 21yodd, 17yods.  Even so, my oldest feels competitive with my younger.  However, they always have been, and continue to be, very close, probably best friends.

 

I think most of that goes back to the parenting book Say Goodbye to Whining, Complaining, and Bad Attitudes.  The book promoted unity and specialness of family, honoring others above yourself.

 

In addition to talking a lot about those things, I never tolerated bullying. Tattling was not allowed. No policing.  If someone was in danger, fine; otherwise, I did not want to hear it.  If you couldn't treat the people you lived with nicely, you certainly couldn't be around other people.  Friends were expected to treat the other child nicely--I stuck to my guns on that, and my daughter let a friend go who was hateful to my son. It was better to have them mad at me together than mad at one another.

 

Looking back, I think modeling, even though it was unintentional, had an effect too.  My husband talks to his siblings several times a week.  Although my sister and I are almost complete opposites, and at times we've had to make an effort to stay friends.  But we are, and I wouldn't trade that for the world!  There's no one in your life like a sibling, ever, and it's a relationship to value and treasure.  (Cousins can be close to that though!)

 

[happypamama]

My kids argue sometimes, but even still, they seem to know that they love and need each other, and they miss each other like crazy when one of them is gone, even for a few hours, and most mornings, you'd think it had been days, rather than just the night, since they saw each other. I really, really hope they stay close as adults. When they are grumpy toward each other, I remind them that they were given to each other as gifts, that "this is YOUR little brother; I grew him for you," and that tends to soften attitudes a lot.

[Loowit]

My sister and I are 15 months apart.  I don't think that there is really anything my parents could have done to make us friends.  Mom had us close together because she had heard having kids close in age promotes them being friends, but really it didn't work out all that great.  My sister and I are really just different personalities and we grew up in a small community where I was always known as my sister's little sister.  My sister was smart, outgoing, athletic, popular, and on and on.  I was not athletic, not popular, not as smart, and not as pretty.  I always felt in her shadow I guess and never felt I could be as good as she was at anything.

 

It took us becoming adults and moving out on our own to really come to a place that we could be friends.  We don't talk all that much and only see each other a few times a year even though we live about 5 minutes apart, but I know she is there if I need her and she knows I am here if she needs me.  We were quite close in college and for the first few years after that.  I helped watch my niece when she was a toddler while my sister worked.  Then I had kids and she had another kid and we kinda went our separate ways.  I am sure when life slows down in a few year, niece graduates high school this year, then we will have more time to get together and be closer.

 

IME trying to force a friend relationship never goes well.  People either click or they don't and trying to force it can cause feelings of resentment and potentially sabotage any future closeness that may have come naturally.  I really appreciate my parents letting my siblings and me form and work out our own relationships and not trying to interfere.

[snickerplum]

My kids argue sometimes, but even still, they seem to know that they love and need each other, and they miss each other like crazy when one of them is gone, even for a few hours, and most mornings, you'd think it had been days, rather than just the night, since they saw each other. I really, really hope they stay close as adults. When they are grumpy toward each other, I remind them that they were given to each other as gifts, that "this is YOUR little brother; I grew him for you," and that tends to soften attitudes a lot.

I've said something like this when mine are arguing or bored. "I made you each three friends..."

We spend a good amount of time talking about "treating others how you want to be treated" and thinking through how actions affect others.

I really don't like sibling stuff being blown off because "that's just how brothers and sisters are". True, that's how it can be, but not how it always has to be. It's like the excuse "boys will be boys" (which rarely follows a positive or encouraging story) - just sits with me wrong.

[KungFuPanda]

I did not get along with my sister as a child. I got along with my close-in-age brother exceptionally well, and my youngest brother was someone I took care of. My sister, however, irritated me every day we lived together. I was expected to babysit her AND be her buddy??? The reason I had to help with her so much is that her personality was so intense she wore my parents out. She was just so . . . constant, and forcing us together 24/7 did NOT help our relationship.

 

As adults we're great friends. She has her space and I have mine. We text all the time. We have kids the same ages who enjoy each other's company and we spend time together without someone forcing us together because we finally have common interests.

 

I think siblings need to respect and even love each other, but requiring friendship doesn't always work and can backfire.

[christusg01]

I have three girls and promoting a bond between them has always been a top priority of mine. They are currently 11, 8, and 4. The 11 and 8 year old has always been very close. I'm sure that homeschooling has helped that. With public schooled kids I tend to see the older sibling thinking of the younger as a baby. And I think that mentality comes from spending your days with only people in your year of age. One of my many reasons for homeschooling is to avoid that mentality and promote this bond.

 

One thing I've always done is not allow my girls to be exposed to TV shows and movies where the characters call a lot of names or treat their siblings badly. My girls don't call each other any names because that's never been something that's allowed. My thought for this is that the world is full of people who will call you names.....your siblings should be a safe place from things like that. Not just another person to put you down.

 

We also have lots of talks about how blessed they are to have sisters. I know several women who do not have a sister and each one of them wishes they did. I relay that information to my girls and let them know that they not only have one sister, but two. How blessed they are to have two built in, lifelong friends.

 

My girls inevitably spend a lot of time together since we homeschool. I believe that time = a closer bond. I have them in some, but not all, activities together. Despite the three year age difference between the two older, we study some of the same school subjects to give them a connection there (and because it's easier LOL).

 

My girls have shared a room/bed on and off over the years. I don't interrupt most late night whispering because I know those are memories in the making.

 

The older two have their squabbles. We have our days where sibling fighting makes me want to stick every single one of them in school. There's days when all they do is fight. And there are also days where I hold off on starting school work for the day because the three of them are playing Legos so fabulously together.

 

The older two have always been fond of the youngest, never really engaging in much fighting or anger with her because they see themselves as a helper in taking care of her. They help spoil that preschooler! And she adores her big sisters.

 

My 11 year old has a bit of a temperamental/quirky personality, so that does provide some challenges with sibling bonding with her middle sister. But we work at it.

 

So while their relationships have normal fights and disagreements, I'm very intentional with promoting a sisterly bond. It takes work.

 

 

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[Momling]

My girls have a relationship that has seen a lot of change. There have been times in which they were totally disinterested in each other, and times (like now) where they hang out like best friends. I think they get closest when they have no other friends available. Travel and camping trips can artificially create this. Also, they seem to bond particularly well when they can join forces in opposition to something else. Like us parents! Or the cruelty of having to clean the kitchen. Or right now we have a particularly difficult foster daughter and they tend to retreat when things get rough for her and they hang out together.