Miss Marple Posted January 20, 2016 Share Posted January 20, 2016 My son, 21, had to make an emergency move today due to his roommate threatening to kill him :crying: :cursing: This young man has been to our home, eaten with us, my son has visited his home, they paint-ball together, they decided to room together at the end of last spring. The fella was doing fine until his grandfather died at which point he seems to have gone into a deep depression. He wouldn't leave his room and became sullen and would not talk to my son or their other roommate. This lasted for most of the semester, but my son said he was doing better before break. Since returning, he has begun to focus on my son. My son cannot walk into the room without the roommate yelling "FU". My son asked what he had done, but the fella won't talk to him. The other roommate said it's because my son is "too laid back and you don't have any passion" :confused1: My son feels sorry for the fella and felt that he was just trying to get him to react when he said he would kill him. But having been around longer than my son, I know that these kids often act on what they say. I feel so bad for my son. He was trying not to cry when he called me. He cannot understand why this fella is angry at him. Of course he didn't want to get his mom involved because he is 21, you know (his words). But apparently he still needed mom to know :closedeyes: .Thankfully the RA acted swiftly and got him a new room. Unfortunately it is a more expensive room...an additional $500. My son lived on campus at a university in England for a year. This school attracted kids from all over the world. He had no relationship issues there :confused1: If the roommate were my son, I'd certainly want to know that he was melting down. But I'm not sure we or my son are the ones to do it. The other roommate has been a friend with this fella since grade school. Would you approach the parents? Would you ask the other roommate to approach the parents? I asked the campus police if they would approach the parents and they said they would not since the boy is over 18. WWYD? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EKS Posted January 20, 2016 Share Posted January 20, 2016 (edited) It seems to me that the person threatening to kill someone should be the one to move out, and if the university decides otherwise, it should eat the $500 for the more expensive room.But I realize you weren't asking about that.My son's college has an office you can call if you are concerned about a student. Perhaps someone besides the campus police would know about something like that. I do think that the young man needs help. Edited January 21, 2016 by EKS 23 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
clementine Posted January 20, 2016 Share Posted January 20, 2016 It seems to me that the person threatening to kill someone should be the one to move out, and if the university decides otherwise, it should eat the $500 for the more expensive room. ^ My thoughts exactly!! I am so sorry your son is going through this - so sad! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Miss Tick Posted January 21, 2016 Share Posted January 21, 2016 (edited) It seems to me that the person threatening to kill someone should be the one to move out, and if the university decides otherwise, it should eat the $500 for the more expensive room. But I realize you weren't asking about that. My thoughts too. Whip out that handy American sense of entitlement, and a dash of self-righteous indignation about the housing increase. I'm sorry about the troubles, though. Such a tricky time when they are no longer kids, not quite adults. I hope your ds is able to separate from his friend's issues. Edited January 21, 2016 by SusanC Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carol in Cal. Posted January 21, 2016 Share Posted January 21, 2016 Sometimes, unfortunately, you have to throw money at a problem to keep yourself or your family safe. You did the right thing. I would try to get ahold of the parents, and I would encourage your son to go to the police, the real police, not the campus police. He needs to get a data trail in place in case he ends up needing a restraining order later on. My guess is that he won't need one, but still, he has to protect himself just in case. 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ravin Posted January 21, 2016 Share Posted January 21, 2016 If you know the family, I would talk to the parents and ask them if they know what is going on with their son. I would probably dispute with the university your son having to eat the $500 for the room change, at least for the current semester, since it was done for his safety. 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
justasque Posted January 21, 2016 Share Posted January 21, 2016 My son, 21, had to make an emergency move today due to his roommate threatening to kill him :crying: :cursing: This young man has been to our home, eaten with us, my son has visited his home, they paint-ball together, they decided to room together at the end of last spring. The fella was doing fine until his grandfather died at which point he seems to have gone into a deep depression. He wouldn't leave his room and became sullen and would not talk to my son or their other roommate. This lasted for most of the semester, but my son said he was doing better before break. Since returning, he has begun to focus on my son. My son cannot walk into the room without the roommate yelling "FU". My son asked what he had done, but the fella won't talk to him. The other roommate said it's because my son is "too laid back and you don't have any passion" :confused1: My son feels sorry for the fella and felt that he was just trying to get him to react when he said he would kill him. But having been around longer than my son, I know that these kids often act on what they say. I feel so bad for my son. He was trying not to cry when he called me. He cannot understand why this fella is angry at him. Of course he didn't want to get his mom involved because he is 21, you know (his words). But apparently he still needed mom to know :closedeyes: .Thankfully the RA acted swiftly and got him a new room. Unfortunately it is a more expensive room...an additional $500. My son lived on campus at a university in England for a year. This school attracted kids from all over the world. He had no relationship issues there :confused1: If the roommate were my son, I'd certainly want to know that he was melting down. But I'm not sure we or my son are the ones to do it. The other roommate has been a friend with this fella since grade school. Would you approach the parents? Would you ask the other roommate to approach the parents? I asked the campus police if they would approach the parents and they said they would not since the boy is over 18. WWYD? The roommate is not only melting down, he is likely a risk to himself and/or others. He needs psych help. I would be on the phone to every uni department I could think of - counseling, ombudsman, housing, student health, etc., right the way up to the top, with the purpose of keeping my own child safe through getting the roommate the help he obviously needs. A student who has made such a serious threat needs intervention from stable professionals. And I would be fighting the extra housing fees along the way, though that would not be my focus. Whether or not I notified the parents would in part depend on whether the school will do it. Check into the laws in your state too - post-VA-Tech, some states allow parents to be notified by schools in circumstances like this, even if the student is an adult. Explain to your son that his roommate's actions have nothing to do with him personally. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
3andme Posted January 21, 2016 Share Posted January 21, 2016 (edited) This is very unfortunate for you and your son. . However, it seems to me the RA should be the one notifying the proper people within the university. You'd think there would be some clear protocol that is followed in these situations and that should be part of the RA's responsibility. I'm afraid that any further communication with the roommate or his parents could create more trouble and risk for your son at this point. Edited January 21, 2016 by 3andme Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
justasque Posted January 21, 2016 Share Posted January 21, 2016 This is very unfortunate for you and your son. . However, it seems to me the RA should be the one notifying the proper people within the university. You'd think there would be some clear protocol that is followed in these situations and that should be part of the RA's responsibility. I'm afraid that any further communication with the roommate or his parents could create more trouble and risk for your son at this point. Realistically, the RA is likely to be only a year or two older than the OP's son. Yes, the RA should probably be following protocol, but under the circumstances having a parent doing the same may help to create the "squeaky wheel" that prompts the college into appropriate actions, which could lead to the roommate getting the treatment he needs. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Reefgazer Posted January 21, 2016 Share Posted January 21, 2016 Oh, what a sad situation. I'm glad your DS has moved out, and I hope the other young man gets help. Perhaps if and when he gets help, he and your DS can patch things up. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
quark Posted January 21, 2016 Share Posted January 21, 2016 (edited) I am so sorry this happened. I can't blame your DS for feeling so sad. And while I hope the other young man is able to find some solace and support, I agree that you can never tell when threats are issued whether or not the issuer will follow through. I had a college room mate who "turned" suddenly against me too. I had no idea why at the time. She just stopped talking to me altogether. She was downright mean but luckily non threatening. She didn't even acknowledge me when I wished her good morning or said hello. We had been very close and since she was at the college on an early entrance program, was younger, and by coincidence, had been friends with my cousin in school, she and I hit it off very well and she was like a younger sis to me. So the blow was very deep when she stopped talking to me. And our room was tiny so we were forced to literally bump into each other several times a day. Later, after I graduated, I heard from another friend that she stopped talking to me because of what she perceived as my betrayal when I started spending more time with my boyfriend (now DH). It struck me as odd because what else is a courting couple supposed to do if not spend more time with each other? I guess she was taking out her anger on the person she was closest to most at the time, me! I later heard that she hooked up with some guy and started spiraling into depression. I am afraid I have no idea what happened to her. My cousin seems to have lost touch with her as well. I really regret that this happened and that I didn't try harder (I did try but what does one do if the other person insists on not hearing what you have to say?). I don't know if that's what's happening with the young man but this is what occurred to me reading your post. Perhaps my room mate was just immature but this young man sounds very affected by what happened in his family and could be taking out his feelings on the people he feels closest to outside his family? I.e. your son (and maybe the other roommate? Is he swearing at the other roommate too?). As far as possible, I would try to press for someone to reach out to him, to find him help. I agree with previous posters about disputing the extra room fees but like another pp said, my focus would be to first ensure that my son is truly safe (and paying the extra fees initially if necessary to ensure that) and then trying to find some help for the other young man if legally possible. It is a PITA that this happened and your son has to pay more. Edited January 21, 2016 by quark 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Miss Marple Posted January 21, 2016 Author Share Posted January 21, 2016 My son has returned home this evening and doesn't have to be back until tomorrow evening for a lab (1.25 hour drive). He said that the RA indicated to him that 4-5 people will "intervene" with the roommate. From my discussion with campus police this will entail a visit with a counselor and possibly more. I really think we, and particularly my son, need to lay low for a bit. I'll let the other roomie and the campus folks handle it from here. From what my son said, I think the RA handled the matter very well. When told what the roomie was saying to my son, he immediately got on the phone and arranged for a new dorm room. My son bought a board game to play with his roomies for the weekend before classes started - so they had something fun to do. When I called to see how things were going, he said they were playing the game a lot and having great fun. But this evening he said that the last time my son won the game, the roommate screamed, "You're ruining my life!". Later he told my son that he "hated" him - to which my son replied "I'm OK with that" (which is exactly how my boys would have dealt with one another) - perhaps that wasn't the wisest response, but ...young men aren't always wise or insightful. The $500 is a pittance to pay for my son's safety and I don't yet know if he will be charged for it. We shall see...I was ready to have him apply to Univ. Tulsa, where his brother attends, which would have costs many thousands more. So...$500 is probably a bargain. Thanks for the advice and for just making me feel a little better. 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TechWife Posted January 21, 2016 Share Posted January 21, 2016 :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
flyingaway Posted January 21, 2016 Share Posted January 21, 2016 Hugs to you and your son. I had a college roommate have a major meltdown and know it's no fun. Very stressful. I tried to stay away from the apartment and went home on weekends, too. Fortunately, our school faculty and staff intervened quickly. I realize now how much easier that made it for the rest of us. Faculty started calling the apartment for her and our RA dropped by to talk to us. Thinking back now, I'm kind of glad for some of the more parental aspects of my college even though I didn't appreciate it at the time. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DebbS Posted January 21, 2016 Share Posted January 21, 2016 I would communicate this information to the young mans parents for sure. If it were your son, you'd want to know. If they hear it from more than one source that might be helpful. Possibly you and your son could write them a letter - not the attack or blame, but to explain your concerns and your love. Depression is a serious thing and even though your son is now out of danger, their son isn't. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Corraleno Posted January 21, 2016 Share Posted January 21, 2016 My son has returned home this evening and doesn't have to be back until tomorrow evening for a lab (1.25 hour drive). He said that the RA indicated to him that 4-5 people will "intervene" with the roommate. From my discussion with campus police this will entail a visit with a counselor and possibly more. I really think we, and particularly my son, need to lay low for a bit. I'll let the other roomie and the campus folks handle it from here. From what my son said, I think the RA handled the matter very well. When told what the roomie was saying to my son, he immediately got on the phone and arranged for a new dorm room. I think this is very wise. I would absolutely not contact the roommate's parents directly. If the boy already believes that your son is somehow "ruining his life," then if the boy's parents intervene in ways that the boy objects to (even if they are necessary) as a result of you or your son contacting them, it would only reinforce his belief that your son is the cause of all his problems. That would just put your son in further danger. Keeping your son "out of the picture" and seemingly unrelated to the events as they unfold (as the university deals with the issue) is the safest thing. Also, you don't want to do anything that might make the parents and university staff see the issue as a "roommate squabble" with participation from both sides, versus an unprovoked threat by a student with mental health issues. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Miss Marple Posted January 21, 2016 Author Share Posted January 21, 2016 I heard from another friend that she stopped talking to me because of what she perceived as my betrayal when I started spending more time with my boyfriend (now DH). Quark - after you mentioned your roommate issue and something that my mom said yesterday evening, I began questioning my son about the relationship between the other two. Those boys grew up together and have been close for many years. My son said that any time he entered the room to talk to the other boy (the non-problem one), the problem boy would yell at him to get out. This other boy and my son are both engineering majors and the problem boy is a liberal arts (political science?) major. I think you may have hit on part of the problem. I think he could be jealous of the budding relationship between my son and his long time boyhood friend. I discussed this with my son a bit and he thinks there might be something to this idea. Apparently the boy has been calling and texting my son saying that he "can change", that he knows he's been taking out his frustrations on my son since his grandfather died, etc. He wants my son to come back. But the kicker is that the other roommate told my son that they don't want a new "unknown" third roommate so my son doesn't think the apology is sincere (not to mention the university will probably NOT put someone else in there). Even if it were, my son is certainly not going back into that situation. And it seems like the parents might know that their son is having difficulty because my son said the boy calls his mom every couple of days to complain about how hard school is, etc. My son and his older brother are there now moving his stuff to the new room. He is excited to be away from the "drama". I think it will be a huge relief for my son not to be in such a negative environment...although I see it as a good learning experience as well. We've discussed showing compassion but still standing up for oneself; how our words might not mean to us what others take them to mean; and how we are responsible for those words no matter what. Good lessons all around. 10 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TechWife Posted January 21, 2016 Share Posted January 21, 2016 (edited) I am so very sorry this is happening, but very grateful for a good RA! It sounds like you are having some good conversations about the situation. FERPA comes into play with the university telling the parents about anything that is going on with the student. They are probably talking with the student to figure out as much as they can what is going on to make sure they can disclose. There is an exception that allows them to disclose information to law enforcement, healthcare professionals and parents in the case of some emergencies. If you're interested in reading more, here's a handy link: If the school, school district, or postsecondary institution determines that there is an articulable and significant threat to the health or safety of the student or other individuals and that a party needs personally identifiable information from education records to protect the health or safety of the student or other individuals, it may disclose that information to appropriate parties without consent. 34 CFR § 99.36. The phrase “articulable and significant threat†means that if a school official can explain 3 why, based on all the information then available, the official reasonably believes, for instance, that a student poses a significant threat, such as a threat of substantial bodily harm to any person, including the student, the school official may disclose personally identifiable information from education records without consent to any person whose knowledge of the information will assist in protecting a person from threat. ETA: The student may also have to go through a disciplinary procedure for threatening another student. If so, your son may be asked to testify. ETAA: Your son might want to consider telling him not to text him anymore. In any case, he should let school officials know about the text messages he is receiving. Edited January 21, 2016 by TechWife Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
creekland Posted January 21, 2016 Share Posted January 21, 2016 My son bought a board game to play with his roomies for the weekend before classes started - so they had something fun to do. When I called to see how things were going, he said they were playing the game a lot and having great fun. But this evening he said that the last time my son won the game, the roommate screamed, "You're ruining my life!". Later he told my son that he "hated" him - to which my son replied "I'm OK with that" (which is exactly how my boys would have dealt with one another) - perhaps that wasn't the wisest response, but ...young men aren't always wise or insightful. Honestly? This would really concern me. It sounds like a bad fixation going on - something that needs to be delved into further. I'm glad the RA is contacting people who will intervene. I'd want to make sure they knew about this. Moving likely will help, but if it's a true fixation, he will still know where your guy lives. Mental/physical illnesses are real and they tend to come on around this age and/or after serious life events. If I heard such a thing between two kids at school - even if I just overheard them talking about it - I'd be forwarding it on to someone I know would handle it. In your situation, I'd want to be enough in the loop to know it's being seriously checked into (accepting that I couldn't be fully in the loop). :grouphug: otherwise. Ice cream could help. ;) I'd suggest getting some or going out for it. Just don't expect it to solve the whole thing. That needs some sort of plan and oversight. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Annie G Posted January 22, 2016 Share Posted January 22, 2016 :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
J-rap Posted January 22, 2016 Share Posted January 22, 2016 It sounds like roommate has some serious problems and needs help. It also sounds very similar to a trio-type friendship my dd was involved in once. A dear friend of hers from childhood (who happened to be a boy) -- "Tom" -- was planning to spend a week back in our hometown (at his older brother's home) spending time with my dd during college break. He was bringing his college roommate home (another boy), and he was super excited for his two best friends (my dd and his roommate) to meet. They had fun plans for the entire week. By the end of day 3, however, Tom began to behave bizarrely, kind of passive-aggressive (and completely unlike anything my dd had ever seen all the years they had been friends and homeschooling buddies). It began escalating to the point of your ds's roommate. Only he was threatening both my dd and his roommate. Our dd was staying in our home, but we were out of town. Tom was staying about a mile away, and in the middle of the night, it got so bad that his roommate walked over to our house. Tom knew they were both there, and began circling our home in his car, calling and texting bizarre threats. We actually could not be reached because we were out of the country for a few days. Our other dd was there too though, and the three of them together snuck out and walked to a local motel because they were afraid to stay home alone. Eventually the police were called. It was so absolutely bizarre and unlike Tom. Over time, we came to understand that he had come to believe that my dd and his roommate were enjoying each other too much, and would end up leaving him out. (Which was untrue. Tom was definitely experiencing some paranoia there.) However, we also came to believe that he was most likely in love with one of them, and very possibly even both of them. So, I think he was wrestling with several personal issues internally that he didn't know how to deal with, and that's when they came to a head. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Miss Marple Posted January 22, 2016 Author Share Posted January 22, 2016 I told my son to save the text messages and he said he was doing that. Then he said that he replied to a text and told the boy that if he wanted to discuss the situation, he (my son) would be happy to talk on the phone that evening. The boy replied, "not interested. The sooner you're gone the better." - a far cry from "come back; I can change". I'm happy that my son reached out to him, but I'm also happy nothing came of it. Maybe it's just my suspicious nature, but the statement he made isn't one I'd expect to hear from any of my boys at that age. Instead it sounds like he's parroting something his parents may have said. Does it strike anyone else that way? This is a very large state school, so they probably won't be bumping into each other frequently. Ds is probably 1.5 - 2 years older than the other boy. And, I think, the life experiences he has had has made him more mature. My son's feeling is that the boy isn't dangerous, but one never really knows when depression/mental illness is involved. I'm guessing that the uni will take this seriously because of a recent event in which a young lady plowed into their campus parade killing several and wounding many. I will check with my son to see if there have been any more texts since the last one mentioned above. I know, too, that the uni called my son yesterday, but I haven't talked with him to see what it was about. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nancy in NH Posted January 22, 2016 Share Posted January 22, 2016 So sorry about what your son has had to deal with--and you too. Sending hugs! Nancy in NH Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
daijobu Posted January 23, 2016 Share Posted January 23, 2016 I think this is very wise. I would absolutely not contact the roommate's parents directly. If the boy already believes that your son is somehow "ruining his life," then if the boy's parents intervene in ways that the boy objects to (even if they are necessary) as a result of you or your son contacting them, it would only reinforce his belief that your son is the cause of all his problems. That would just put your son in further danger. Keeping your son "out of the picture" and seemingly unrelated to the events as they unfold (as the university deals with the issue) is the safest thing. Also, you don't want to do anything that might make the parents and university staff see the issue as a "roommate squabble" with participation from both sides, versus an unprovoked threat by a student with mental health issues. I agree with laying low. Mentally ill men this age are prone to violence and the availability of guns creates the potential for tragedy. $500 is a small price to pay to get your son away from a potentially dangerous situation. I hope he gets the psychiatric help he needs, and we won't be reading about him in the papers. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hopskipjump Posted January 23, 2016 Share Posted January 23, 2016 @MissMarple - I am so sorry your son is going through this. What a stressful time in his life! Hopefully the roommate will fade away into oblivion and this will just turn into a "crazy things that happened in college life" story for him and that his new roommates (assuming he has new ones?) are nice stable lads. Reading through this has just made me... even more ... dumbfounded... with the law that Texas recently passed allowing undergrads to have a gun on school/dorm property. I mean... it seems that it's fairly common/known for young men not "trigger" for mental illness until this age and/or college life stressors set in on his psyche. We spend years teaching our kids to be leery of strangers - and when it's university time, they are told to sign up to random apps and/or "hook up" on facebook and blindly choose a person to live shoulder-to-shoulder with during some of the most stressful times of their lives! It's kind of wonky when you think about it! I can think of a half-dozen teens I know PERSONALLY who have a wonderful "in public" persona, but behind closed doors are another case entirely!!! :bored: 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Daria Posted January 23, 2016 Share Posted January 23, 2016 My son, 21, had to make an emergency move today due to his roommate threatening to kill him :crying: :cursing: This young man has been to our home, eaten with us, my son has visited his home, they paint-ball together, they decided to room together at the end of last spring. The fella was doing fine until his grandfather died at which point he seems to have gone into a deep depression. He wouldn't leave his room and became sullen and would not talk to my son or their other roommate. This lasted for most of the semester, but my son said he was doing better before break. Since returning, he has begun to focus on my son. My son cannot walk into the room without the roommate yelling "FU". My son asked what he had done, but the fella won't talk to him. The other roommate said it's because my son is "too laid back and you don't have any passion" :confused1: My son feels sorry for the fella and felt that he was just trying to get him to react when he said he would kill him. But having been around longer than my son, I know that these kids often act on what they say. I feel so bad for my son. He was trying not to cry when he called me. He cannot understand why this fella is angry at him. Of course he didn't want to get his mom involved because he is 21, you know (his words). But apparently he still needed mom to know :closedeyes: .Thankfully the RA acted swiftly and got him a new room. Unfortunately it is a more expensive room...an additional $500. My son lived on campus at a university in England for a year. This school attracted kids from all over the world. He had no relationship issues there :confused1: If the roommate were my son, I'd certainly want to know that he was melting down. But I'm not sure we or my son are the ones to do it. The other roommate has been a friend with this fella since grade school. Would you approach the parents? Would you ask the other roommate to approach the parents? I asked the campus police if they would approach the parents and they said they would not since the boy is over 18. WWYD? Please approach the parents! I would do it directly, not putting that burden on another young adult, and not involving the police. This sounds like mental illness, exacerbated or triggered by his grief. This young man needs help. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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