S/O Tips for Divorcing /Divorced Parents

[ktgrok]

Sure it makes sense. It just doesn't feel comfortable to me for there not to be a significant amount of overlap because I don't feel like I should or even could be wanting to marry anyone my dd (since she's a minor) doesn't also want as a stepfather. I don't think I would feel I was able to pay proper attention if I waited until we were talking marriage, and that would be a lot harder to walk away from. I've been most affected by stories of how someone's second spouse hates their kids or some of the kids hate the second spouse. I also find myself keeping in mind that whatever conventional wisdom states in divorce situations, it is almost certainly the opposite of what is workable in mine. Doing the "right" things has led to some very nasty consequences here.

 

Hmm. My son was 6, and I was pretty sure from the beginning he'd like my now DH. That was a big criteria in me getting into a relationship. If I thought my son wouldn't like him we wouldn't have dated at all. Or if I thought DH wouldn't have liked my son. I guess i went with my gut, but it did work out. They honestly get along much better than my son and I get along! But my DH went to great lengths to try to forge that bond. He learned to fish because my son was very into fishing. He volunteered with cubscouts, suggested outings and restaurants my son would prefer, that kind of thing. He grew up with a stepfather himself, and had strong ideas of what was and wasn't good in that kind of relationship. 

[bettyandbob]

Yes, this is more or less what I meant. Kids need to be able to have a place and a routine. With really young kids, I think there can even be a need to have one main caregiver - infants do not understand their primary attachment popping out of their lives. I think that sometimes this can be true even when the child doesn't realize it, and might prefer some other arrangement, which I realize makes things very tricky.

 

I did have a friend in middle and high school whose parents lived close together, and the kids just went back and forth depending on what they wanted to do. But even then, she felt later that it wasn't really ideal - they got to feel shunted around, or as if sometimes they were inconvenient, though of course her parents never said that to the kids.

One of my neighbors shares custody of his dds. Their mother lives the next street over. The girls freely walk between the homes (townhouses). They do have a specific schedule mostly. For a little while my neighbor's mother lived with her exDIL paid rent and helped both parents with after school childcare when she wasn't working.

[Runningmom80]

I wish they would have been mature grown ups and not used us as pawns.  You would think that should be obvious, but I guess "the kids' best interest" was not a priority.

 

I seriously can't think of one thing my parents did right regarding their divorce, besides the divorce itself.

 

 

Ok, I guess I'm venting and not helping. :lol:

 

 

I can tell you what I wish would have happened.  I wish that my parents would have remained civil, if not friends.  I wish we would have still spent some holidays together, or had monthly dinners together.  I would have loved to not hear any of their negative thoughts about each other.  I would have loved to be able to come home to one parent's house and not filter what I had to say in order to protect the other parent.  I would have loved to share when I had fun with the other parent without feeling guilty.

 

 

[waa510]

1) Don't lie. Ever. The kids know that you're lying and will lose a lot of respect for you if you constantly engage in blatant lies. 

 

2) Don't introduce your kids to your SO by driving them to the house to find your car in the driveway, clothes in a laundry basket in the hallway, your stuff strewn around this "friend's" house and the SO's kids running to embrace you and calling you "Dad." It was very traumatizing and my Mom had had no idea that that visit was to meet the gf. We were supposed to be going mini-golfing. Which leads to....

 

3) Don't lie to your ex about what you're doing on your visits and then ask your kid to lie to ex spouse about it when they get home. 

 

4) Don't put your kids in the middle. They should never ever feel like you will not love them if you are civil to ex-spouse

 

5) Don't be late with the child support. You aren't punishing your spouse, you are punishing your kids. I had to go to my elite private school in shoes that were duct taped together and in skirts that were too small for me (too short and I had to safety pin them closed with fabric sewed on the side at the banding to keep them together.) I got detention every single day I showed up in inappropriate attire, even though it wasn't my fault. 

 

6) Don't be late picking them up, or don't fail to show up to pick them up. The kid gets punished by coaches and teachers for this.

 

7) Don't make them drive you and your SO home from dinner at 14 b/c you are too drunk to do so. Don't ask them to cover for you. 

 

My parents divorce was very devastating.  My mom kept buying bigger and bigger homes she couldn't afford to try to one-up my Dad who could actually afford those things. The financial strain was horrible. I went to a college in a different state to escape the drama and heartache. 

[Guest]

Don't just stop paying attention to your kids when they are adults and now is "your time." If your wife was the one who remembered your kids birthdays, you need to write that shit down now because she doesn't cover for you any more, dummy, and your new wife is a complete stranger who could not care less about your kids and grandkids.

 

 

[Scarlett]

I can agree with this. My exBIL left for no particular reason. And I think that people need to realize that divorce isn't like breaking a contract, it's more like amputating a limb. Somtimes amputation is needed, but shouldn't be done without understanding the severity of the step one is taking, and the life long implications of it. Being divorced is hard...it's still hard 10 years later and we get along pretty well. Not as in, we are good friends well, but in the sense that we both moved on and don't try to tell each other what to do. And we always put our kid first. Visitation, etc was always flexible and always designed to suit my son, not us as parents. I don't see a lot of people who have that...visitation is just another way to control the ex spouse, and that sickens me.

As a woman who filed for divorce and still feel I had no choice.....I will echo that it is a sickening choice. It does change kids no matter how hard the parents try to be good at divorce. My dhs xw divorced him for no good reason....and yes I know I wasn't there but I know many many people who were there who all say the same thing...she divorced a wonderful man. He has been devastated by the divorce and of course his boys even more so.

[Muttichen]

. 

 

2) Don't introduce your kids to your SO by driving them to the house to find your car in the driveway, clothes in a laundry basket in the hallway, your stuff strewn around this "friend's" house and the SO's kids running to embrace you and calling you "Dad." It was very traumatizing and my Mom had had no idea that that visit was to meet the gf. We were supposed to be going mini-golfing. Which leads to....

 

 

 

This.  Don't let them see photos of themselves in your "co-worker's" house.  My mom had told me my dad needed time to be wild -- he had gotten married too young.  I was eleven.  I'm not sure that I knew what an affair was, but I knew what that picture on the table met.  I never told my mom about it.  That was the only time I met that woman (I think they broke up soon after), but for years I fantasized about meeting her somewhere.  It's much better to be honest with your kids.  Also, tell them all at once.  My mom told me several days before she told my brother and sister, and that was rough.

 

Don't go in and out of their lives.  Either be there consistently or disappear for good.  It sounds harsh, but I got so hardened to my dad's ins and outs that I gave up trying and am happier not to hear from him.  I think what made it harder was that he was doing the same thing to my kids.  Either be in their lives or get lost.

 

I wish I had just accepted my stepfather as my dad from the get-go.  He is a wonderful man and much more of a father to me than my "real" father ever was.  His two sons lived with him -- four of the five of us were teens -- and we totally had a happy "Brady Bunch" life.  Ok, there were rough spots, but overall it was fun.  Most of the rough spots, honestly, were caused by me not wanting to accept my stepdad's authority.  When he and my mom celebrated their 25th anniversary, there was a guest book that everyone signed.  I was busy prepping for the party and didn't get to write at the beginning, but had thought a lot about what I wanted to say.  When I finally got to sit down and write in it, I saw that all four of my siblings (two bio/two step) had all said exactly what I was planning to write -- essentially, "Thank you for giving us a stable home." 

[Guest]

Don't go in and out of their lives.  Either be there consistently or disappear for good.  It sounds harsh, but I got so hardened to my dad's ins and outs that I gave up trying and am happier not to hear from him.  I think what made it harder was that he was doing the same thing to my kids.  Either be in their lives or get lost.

 

" 

 

+1

 

The disappear for good option is highly under-rated imo.

 

I have yet to see a parent who was  in and out, back and forth, hot and cold that was sympathetic to the position they were putting their children in. It is always well I am here now, so give me the love/respect I want from you til I leave again.

[Anne in CA]

Oh, yes I wish irresponsible parents would just go away if they can't commit to being there. My oldest's mother came in and out of her life at will. She would never commit to just being there. And it was very, very hard for her.

[StephanieZ]

I disagree with the don't date advice. I'm glad both my parents moved on with their lives. I didn't love all the people they dated (there was this totally weird German woman... oy... and this slightly creepy friendly minister guy...), but they were careful not to let us meet anyone unless it was pretty serious. And no one was horrible to us. I think you can't move on unless you have the freedom to... move on. And there's nothing worse than not moving on. There are so many things that trap you after a divorce - you often have to move out of your home but aren't legally allowed to leave the area, you now have to routinely negotiate with someone you no longer really care for, your finances are shot, your kids and you are in emotional crisis... to say that you can't even take control of your relationships... Oy. Both my parents made it clear to us that they were individuals and we mattered most, but their lives also mattered and we had to respect that.

 

The complicating factor is that romantic relationships are not necessarily (usually?) beneficial emotionally or otherwise. People can have full, meaningful lives without a romantic partner. Dating/marriage/etc are great, fun, wonderful, and my marriage is vital to my life, but I know plenty of folks who have very meaningful, full lives without being partnered. So, I do think it's important to "move on" with a meaningful life, but I disagree that dating need be involved in that.

 

I have a friend who was widowed a few years ago, at about age 40, and made the choice not to date until her kids were in college. She is super smart, super loving, incredibly good parent and super home-educator (older child is at an Ivy League college, younger child will be applying to comparable schools next year) . . . and she did the research and determined that kids are generally better off if a single parent does NOT date or remarry. I've not been in her shoes, so I've not done the hard research, but I trust her research, and certainly my personal experiences as a kid and as a bystander support her research. 

 

I've seen SO MANY kids screwed over as their parents search and search for their new partner, upending their lives and distracting them from the important business of PARENTING, introducing questionable partners into the home, co-habiting or quickly remarrying, partnering up with a new person when the ink isn't even penned to yet alone dry on their divorce documents. Kids are REELING when their parents separate, and they need as much parental attention and energy as possible. They don't benefit from sharing that energy or attention with a new lover. Certainly, anyone could imagine that falling in love and feeding that new passion is certainly going to take away a lot of energy and time from the parents. Time and energy they should be using to re-create their family life with their kids which has surely suffered during the lead up to the divorce and then been totally upended by the divorce itself. Free time needs to be used to support the relationships with the kids, the kids themselves, etc . . . not to fall in love with a new honey. 

 

I know it's way easier said than done. I haven't BTDT, and I'm not going to call out anyone who has done otherwise, and I can't swear I could do it myself, but if someone is truly looking for tips on how to do it right, IMHO, it is advisable to avoid dating (so far as the kids know, for sure) for as long as possible. CERTAINLY a year or two after the divorce is inked. Ideally, until the kids are up and out. IMHO.

 

 

 

[Tess in the Burbs]

* Not to speak ill of the other parent.  Ok, you hate them, but spewing that hate to your child does affect their opinion of you and the other parent.  Find a friend to vent to.  Not your child. 

 

* When your child says they don't want to visit you, make it happen anyway.  Allowing a teen to say no to the adult is wrong.  By the time the teen is ready to visit, years have been lost between you both.  As the parent, prove your love by insisting on visitations.  Otherwise the kid may not feel loved.  And distrust doesn't go away in adulthood.  

 

* refusing to keep your kid in your insurance b/c they live with the other parent again shows you don't love them as much as the kid living with you.  Your kid has been poisoned by the parent they are with(see first warning) and now you will be seen as not loving them by this act.   Show equal everything if there are multiple kids and some choose to be with the other parent.  Seriously, equal matters to your kids.  

[Farrar]

The complicating factor is that romantic relationships are not necessarily (usually?) beneficial emotionally or otherwise. People can have full, meaningful lives without a romantic partner. Dating/marriage/etc are great, fun, wonderful, and my marriage is vital to my life, but I know plenty of folks who have very meaningful, full lives without being partnered. So, I do think it's important to "move on" with a meaningful life, but I disagree that dating need be involved in that.

 

I have a friend who was widowed a few years ago, at about age 40, and made the choice not to date until her kids were in college. She is super smart, super loving, incredibly good parent and super home-educator (older child is at an Ivy League college, younger child will be applying to comparable schools next year) . . . and she did the research and determined that kids are generally better off if a single parent does NOT date or remarry. I've not been in her shoes, so I've not done the hard research, but I trust her research, and certainly my personal experiences as a kid and as a bystander support her research. 

 

I've seen SO MANY kids screwed over as their parents search and search for their new partner, upending their lives and distracting them from the important business of PARENTING, introducing questionable partners into the home, co-habiting or quickly remarrying, partnering up with a new person when the ink isn't even penned to yet alone dry on their divorce documents. Kids are REELING when their parents separate, and they need as much parental attention and energy as possible. They don't benefit from sharing that energy or attention with a new lover. Certainly, anyone could imagine that falling in love and feeding that new passion is certainly going to take away a lot of energy and time from the parents. Time and energy they should be using to re-create their family life with their kids which has surely suffered during the lead up to the divorce and then been totally upended by the divorce itself. Free time needs to be used to support the relationships with the kids, the kids themselves, etc . . . not to fall in love with a new honey. 

 

I know it's way easier said than done. I haven't BTDT, and I'm not going to call out anyone who has done otherwise, and I can't swear I could do it myself, but if someone is truly looking for tips on how to do it right, IMHO, it is advisable to avoid dating (so far as the kids know, for sure) for as long as possible. CERTAINLY a year or two after the divorce is inked. Ideally, until the kids are up and out. IMHO.

 

But people get divorced when their kids are babies sometimes. That's nearly two decades of no dating allowed. Wait, think, be cautious, be open to moving on in new ways, don't think that without a partner that you can't be happy, etc... all good advice. But never? I don't think that's good. I mean, you might just as easily say don't go back to school to retrain for a different career now that you have to support yourself solo because it takes time away from the kids. Or don't work. Or don't go out with friends. No book club. No pursuits of your own. All those things impinge on time and focus on kids. But it's not right to ask people to give up everything for their children.

 

One of the things I learned from my parents is that everyone in a family has to respect everyone else's needs - and that includes kids learning to respect adult needs. Not everything in a household should revolve around the kids. I mean, they need their turn to have life revolve around them and their respect as well... Life inevitably revolves around babies. As kids get older, they take a less center of the universe spot in the family. It has to be a balance. For anyone who is divorced, I think it can't be a hard fast rule that they can't date.

[StephanieZ]

But people get divorced when their kids are babies sometimes. That's nearly two decades of no dating allowed. Wait, think, be cautious, be open to moving on in new ways, don't think that without a partner that you can't be happy, etc... all good advice. But never? I don't think that's good. I mean, you might just as easily say don't go back to school to retrain for a different career now that you have to support yourself solo because it takes time away from the kids. Or don't work. Or don't go out with friends. No book club. No pursuits of your own. All those things impinge on time and focus on kids. But it's not right to ask people to give up everything for their children.

 

One of the things I learned from my parents is that everyone in a family has to respect everyone else's needs - and that includes kids learning to respect adult needs. Not everything in a household should revolve around the kids. I mean, they need their turn to have life revolve around them and their respect as well... Life inevitably revolves around babies. As kids get older, they take a less center of the universe spot in the family. It has to be a balance. For anyone who is divorced, I think it can't be a hard fast rule that they can't date.

 

I agree that there are individual circumstances and few global rules. :) One of my best friends is the step-turned-adoptive mom to a beautiful daughter. She not only rescued this child but also rescued her husband (the child's dad). :) They've been together nearly 2 decades, and I am 100% confident that the dad and the daughter are MUCH better off than they'd have been without my friend. Exceptions prove every rule. I hear you. That's cool. I'm just suggesting a general principle, and that serious thought be given to the wisdom of dating, when to date, how to date, how it will impact your kids . . .

 

IME & IMHO, romantic relationships are unique in their ability to suck time and energy out of us, lol. I guess I'd similarly advocate against adopting (or procreating) any more kids if you're already single/divorced parenting. And, I'd probably advocate against taking in a needy parent or other relative, too . . . A couple hour a week hobby is one thing. An all-consuming love affair and/or massive commitment to the wellbeing of another dependent is very different . . . Likewise, furthering your education and/or career will always need to be balanced with the needs of your kids, but those kids are going to benefit from their parent's financial success, so I think there is a significant benefit to the entire family, kids included, when a parent pursues their career . . . That said, I *would* discourage someone from taking on a major career/educational commitment that wasn't expected to be lucrative and otherwise compatible with their parental commitments. Single parenthood is not the time to go into 100k in debt for a sociology undergrad degree. No, I wouldn't suggest a long-haul trucking credential either . . . A dental hygienist degree or a CPA certification, sure, right on. . . I just think that some things are just for fun-sies or personal enrichment or might be perfectly fine for a single person (or even a married person), but are not good choices for someone living with the complexities of raising children without a co-parent in the house. 

Edited January 4, 2016 by StephanieZ

[LMD]

I think dating would have been fine. What my mum would do is meet someone, fall in love, and within a few months we'd all be moving in together and they'd be talking marriage. Many times 'moving in' required us moving hours away. We had just recovered from a very traumatic sudden escape interstate from her abusive husband, d*mned if I was going to move hours away in with the next guy (that was my crying scene in a restaurant! The guy moved in with us instead. It didn't last long, we cramped his style.)

 

Sometimes it wasn't so serious, just a fling, but the boyfriend would still spend time with us kids. I wanted her to be happy, I just did not need to know about her sex life! My mother was highly offended when I didn't want her to introduce her latest fling to my kids - after she'd just finished telling me that it would never be serious and she didn't like him that much except he was wealthy (and she refused to ever meet his kids).

 

Ok, that turned into a vent, sorry! My point, date, fine, but keep your adult relationships to yourself. Don't unnecessarily destabilise the kids unless you're sure it's worth it. Ftr, none of them were worth it, certainly not worth moving us 10+ hours away from our father.

[ktgrok]

The complicating factor is that romantic relationships are not necessarily (usually?) beneficial emotionally or otherwise. People can have full, meaningful lives without a romantic partner. Dating/marriage/etc are great, fun, wonderful, and my marriage is vital to my life, but I know plenty of folks who have very meaningful, full lives without being partnered. So, I do think it's important to "move on" with a meaningful life, but I disagree that dating need be involved in that.

 

 

I've seen SO MANY kids screwed over as their parents search and search for their new partner, upending their lives and distracting them from the important business of PARENTING, introducing questionable partners into the home, co-habiting or quickly remarrying, partnering up with a new person when the ink isn't even penned to yet alone dry on their divorce documents. Kids are REELING when their parents separate, and they need as much parental attention and energy as possible. They don't benefit from sharing that energy or attention with a new lover. Certainly, anyone could imagine that falling in love and feeding that new passion is certainly going to take away a lot of energy and time from the parents. Time and energy they should be using to re-create their family life with their kids which has surely suffered during the lead up to the divorce and then been totally upended by the divorce itself. Free time needs to be used to support the relationships with the kids, the kids themselves, etc . . . not to fall in love with a new honey. 

 

I know it's way easier said than done. I haven't BTDT, and I'm not going to call out anyone who has done otherwise, and I can't swear I could do it myself, but if someone is truly looking for tips on how to do it right, IMHO, it is advisable to avoid dating (so far as the kids know, for sure) for as long as possible. CERTAINLY a year or two after the divorce is inked. Ideally, until the kids are up and out. IMHO.

 

But what this fails to take into account is the benefit to the child. Obviously, the kind of frequent dating, upending lives over and over, etc etc thing is NOT good. But a stable adult who loves the child and can provide time and attention, and more over, make it so that mom has MORE time and attention for the child, can be a good thing. I cannot imagine my son wishing he didn't have his stepfather, or his siblings. He adores his younger brother and sister, and if I'd stayed single he'd be an only child. Instead of being home with him and homeschooling I'd be working full time, and he would have been in afterschool care until 6pm every night. He gets MORE time with me, more attention, because I remarried. Plus he has a stable man in his life to talk to about things he doesn't want to talk to me about, without having to wait to see his father. Financially we are much better off as well. 

Now, that said, when I dated I did it when he was at his father's anyway. So it never took up time that was due to my son. I can't imagine doing that as a divorced parent! We only got together, the three of us, once marriage was on the table. and even then we didn't hold hands or anything at first, until we judged how comfortable he was with the whole situation. Maybe it helps that my husband and I were a long distance relationship, so our time together was limited anyway. And phone calls, etc were at night once my son was in bed. 

 

So I think it can go very badly or very well. Do harm or be of tremendous benefit. A lot of that is how healthy the parent is, mentally and emotionally. Like I said upthread, counseling was hugely helpful both before and after the divorce. And my counselor worked with kids too, so although she didn't meet with my son she was qualified to give advice on how to handle all this with him. 

[Farrar]

I probably just can't see past my own experience with this. As a kid, my mother had two long term romantic relationships. One wasn't great (fortunately the shorter), but I didn't feel like it was horrible for us or anything. And they definitely were good for her, which, in turn was good for us. She also went back to school to get a graduate degree and enter the ministry. Not exactly a lucrative job. But I was *glad* she did that. I admired her. It helped us have a stronger connection with our church, which was very positive. I just can't imagine my poor mother spending an entire decade working at the bank (where she worked before starting div school) and not dating and only allowing herself a small hobby for her own personal fulfillment. Ack. She would have been so bitter and depressed. There's no way she would have been a better mother that way. Sure, school took her away from us, and we were so broke... But it also made her a positive example for me and made her a happier person. I would rather have had that mother - the mother who was dating, studying church history in her sweatpants, having to take charity from her parents to keep us in groceries, having to rely on me to cook for my little brother half the time... than a mother who was depressed and just waiting for us to get out of the house so she could do something other than work at that horrid bank job.

[Excelsior! Academy]

Well I wish they'd figured out WELL before the divorce that you don't have babies until you've grown up and got your own act together, but I guess that ship sailed before I was born, so...

 

To be honest, it would have been better for me all round if my father had just disappeared quietly. There was no great animosity, but it was hugely disruptive to spend two holidays a year on the other side of the country with a step family and kids from that neighbourhood as imposed 'friends'. Maybe if I'd been less introverted this wouldn't have been as much of an issue. Lesson 1: You screwed up, don't disrupt your kids' lives so you feel better about 'keeping in contact' - find out what they want. (And I don't mean you personally, I mean divorcing adults in general.)

 

The nail in the coffin of a relationship with me was probably when I figured out that my father had remarried by seeing her married name written on a document when I visited them. Lesson 2: Don't lie.

 

And from my personal experience: if you're the custodial parent, don't remarry while they're still minors: it makes the child to some extent a guest in their own home living by another's rule. Lesson 3: You had kids - they come first.

 

No happy tips from me, I'm afraid. My parents divorce was civil, and it was still an enormously damaging experience, and definitely the fundamental experience of my childhood. The points I made above would have mitigated the worst of it for me.

 

 

My parents divorced shortly after my first birthday and both married other people within two weeks of my second birthday.  My dad's new wife was my mother's previous best friend and her two daughters, my mom adopted two children with her new husband.  I did feel out of place at both houses.  I wasn't step-mom's daughter nor step-dad's daughter and was reminded of such.  Regularly.  I wouldn't say *never* remarry, but yes, the children should come first.  

 

When my mom remarried a second time it wasn't as tragic, though it probably should have been.  I was living with my dad at the time and went to visit her for the summer then went to "camp" for a while. When I came back to her house,  it was a new house in a new town with a new husband.  Literally. Too much shock at once for a 15 year old.  Sharing a bedroom wall as a 15 year old with a newly married parent...ugh.

 

Divorcees should sort out their differences and not use their children as pawns.  It only hurts the children.  The truth comes out in the end.  Always.  

Edited January 4, 2016 by Excelsior! Academy

[HS Mom in NC]

I can, of course, only speak from my personal situation as dynamics related to divorce are unique to each family. My parents divorced when I was 1, my mother remarried when I was 3 and has had a rocky marriage ever since, my father remarried when I was 2 then divorced his second wife when I was 4, he remarried when I was 12 and divorced is 3rd wife when I was 16. 

Trying to keep it very general, I would say divorced people should spend some time with a licensed therapist or licensed counselor reflecting on what they did to contribute to the divorce and what specific mindset and behavioral changes they need to make in the future because second marriages are usually more challenging.  It's very common for people to repeat behavior patterns in the next relationship if they haven't looked at what needs to change and how it needs to change by someone qualified to give very specific help and follow up.

 

The biggest problem I observed is parents having a very difficult time switching from thinking in terms of how they want the world to be to thinking in terms of how the world really is.  Divorcing parents have to face up to the fact that divorce sucks for kids. They have to minimize how much it sucks.  My parents were typical Baby Boomers immersed in a culture of idealism and experimentation that, I think, fed the idea that he world is more pliable than it actually is. That mindset made it very hard for them to face up to cold hard realities. Add to that chronic "I-don't-want-to-deal-with-it" ism and it's a recipe for all kinds of problems after the divorce.

I think those two things characterize people who are divorced because they ignore redflags when dating, make bad decisions or behave badly on a regular basis in the marriage, wait far too long to seek qualified 3rd party help in the marriage while improvement is still theoretically possible, refuse to face up to what a disaster divorce-even perfectly justified divorce-is for children, and refuse to honestly and objectively think through all the family and personality dynamic challenges of remarriage.

I think most people divorcing and recovering from divorce have no idea how much qualified help they really need to get through it with minimal negative fallout and have no idea how much choosing not to get help negatively affects the children. They need emotional support and feedback about how things really are for their kids.

[Scarlett]

This thread has made me so sad.  But I hope others are reading it and learning...........either to not divorce or to divorce as nicely as possible.

 

I was a child of divorce in 1974 when no one was getting divorced.  No one I knew anyway.  My dad was an alcoholic who had an affair and mom took her get out of jail free card and was done with him.   Our life was MUCH better without him....in fact, mom brought us back to the south to her roots and we saw dad very rarely after that.  It was ten years before I saw him again and I was grown and married.  But she had her reasons...I hated being the 'single parent' family....but mostly our life was fabulous, even during the extreme poverty years, compared to life with Dad.  My poor brother though....I don't think he ever recovered from that loss.  He was in his 40s before he really totally understood how bad dad was....and by then he had made so many bad  choices that his life was a train wreck.  

 

And if you are the person thinking of divorcing, please please please do all you can to avoid it with in reason.

My bad choice was my first mate....I just wanted a family and married too young and I didn't have the tools I needed to choose better. But I stuck it out with him for soooooooo many years because I just didn't want to be divorced/

 

 

[Guest]

I do want to say, I have seen really **excellent** divorces. I mean just splendidly done. Real beacons of light. I also know wonderful, healthy, grounded blended families.

 

Also, a lot of the stupid behavior...that almost certainly would have manifested itself in different ways if it wasn't through the medium of divorce. And, in a lot of cases, where this person is just awful as a parent...you can certainly see why their marriage didn't pan out, ykwim?

 

I understand (personally) why it's NOT OK to do these things to children more than it is not OK to do it toward your spouse, but in cases where there is only one healthy person in the relationship, that healthy person is the one who wrings their hands and agonizes over that, not the unhealthy parent. 

[Laurie4b]

I agree with what you are saying here, but I have seen more of people having divorces which seem to me to be really - unnecessary?- I guess.  They get along, in at least one case I know of continued to live together.  There seems to be a idea around that divorce, if the parents aren't being jerks, doesn't make any difference to kids, and it will in fact be better if the parents can be fulfilled.  My mom's neighbor is in a situation like that - her husband left to shack up with another woman because he felt that was what he needed to do to be really happy - it wasn't that there was anything particularly wrong with his wife or their relationship.  And there are people who engage in serial monogamy and seem to think that will have no effect either.

 

I think maybe, in trying to reassure people that divorcing won't ruin their kids for life, some people have got the idea that marriage break-ups or lack of a stable family unit will not have any effect.

 

This was my parents' divorce: unnecessary and based on my mother's romantic fantasies about what true love really looked like. Her second marriage was a total trainwreck and lasted only a few years. She now lives alone. She has acknowledged now what a huge mistake it was to leave a good man for a fantasy and has apologized to my father. Yes, the fighting stopped and that was a relief, but that might have happened anyway with decent help. Certainly their divorce keeps giving us children pain down to this very day and in major ways. That is something that I wish people knew before they divorced. They are often doing the equivalent of taking their pain, multiplying it by the number of children and handing it out. It's not worth it because you would only give your marriage a C and you wish for an A. 

 

In some cases, such as abuse or serial adultery, divorce is absolutely the best thing for the spouse and kids. But I think the effect on the kids should be weighed very carefully if there is not abuse or an equivalently destabilizing behavior. 

[amy g.]

I wouldn't tell other parents what they should or should not do, but FOR MYSELF, if something happened and Dh died or we divorced, I would absolutely not ever date or remarry. For me, the risk is too great. I never want my kids to have to deal with Mommy's newest boyfriend or husband.

 

I'm not sure if this is even true, but I read a study years ago that said the best way to protect your children from abuse is to never give them a stepfather. It really had an impact on me.

 

I don't judge other people who choose something different. I know some blended families which are ideal for everyone involved. I just know myself. I can be happy with my books and my children and my imaginary friends. I don't need romance enough to take those kinds of risks. Besides, if my first marriage fails, aren't the chances of my second marriage being sucessful pretty small.

 

I do have a friend who just left her marriage of 10 years because she just wasn't feeling in love anymore. I am so sad for her kids who adore their dad. Hopefully her new romance will last, but I don't think the statistics are on her side.

[MinivanMom]

I can agree with this. My exBIL left for no particular reason. And I think that people need to realize that divorce isn't like breaking a contract, it's more like amputating a limb. Somtimes amputation is needed, but shouldn't be done without understanding the severity of the step one is taking, and the life long implications of it. Being divorced is hard...it's still hard 10 years later and we get along pretty well. Not as in, we are good friends well, but in the sense that we both moved on and don't try to tell each other what to do. And we always put our kid first. Visitation, etc was always flexible and always designed to suit my son, not us as parents. I don't see a lot of people who have that...visitation is just another way to control the ex spouse, and that sickens me. 

 

This may be the best analogy I've ever heard for divorce. 

[pehp]

Oh man.  

 

I was six.  My parents had an amicable divorce.  They remained such close friends after their divorce that when my mother died, when I was 23, my father was listed in the obituary as a survivor (we called him her "special friend").  He would come spend the weekend with us.  They did it all "right" in terms of trying to get along, co-parenting, etc.  They were very adult about it.  I'm grateful for that. They loved us unconditionally and did not make it about us at all, or use us in any way.  Really the way they divorced was the model for how divorced people should act, I think!

 

I guess one thing I wish is that it hadn't happened.  Even under "perfect" divorce circumstances with rational adults choosing to co-parent, it left a gaping hole in my heart, one that I only realized was there after I got married.  my fear of abandonment was severe and took me completely by surprise.  It's long since gone now, and I honestly don't know what they could have done differently or what they could have "known" that would have made a difference.  I was assured always that it wasn't about me and I believed it, yet still, the brokenness was there.

 

Part of me thinks that family therapy would have been helpful for all of us.  My father attended therapy on his own, and my mother really didn't need any ;), but as a group/unit we could have benefited from it.  Especially my sister, who did not escape her childhood as unscathed as I did.  So, I wish they would have known/recognized the value of solid family therapy from the get-go.

 

My stepmother back in my childhood was bipolar and she and my father had MAJOR issues which of course trickled down to his children at times.  I wish she could have been involved in the family therapy idea too, although mostly I wish he'd thought twice before marrying her.  She's not a bad person, but she was so mentally unstable that she made his life awful for about a decade.  And I never quite knew where I stood. 

 

And finally, I really wish my mother had been wise about dating.  She avoided dating for a long time and was extremely protective of us, but when I was 12 she became involved with a man and the relationship escalated rapidly, to the point where he was, for all purposes, basically living with us for a few months.  She soon realized what a horrible mistake it was, but only after a lot of damage was done to the family psyche (he was not a good man).  That burned her and she never really dated again, which makes me sad b/c I think she would have been a sweet wife to a good guy.  But they went way too quickly and the fallout from that lasted for years. 

 

So--I wish my parents had known how much collateral damage can come from step-parents/boyfriends. 

 

My childhood has definitely informed the way I approach marriage.  Even from a very fairly young age (late teens) I felt selective about every boy I considered.  If I was going to marry, I was going to MARRY.  And it has made me sensitive to the way marriage can impact children.  I ended up marrying someone who is wonderful. I can't take credit for this (how do we really know how someone is until we're in the trenches with them?), but I'm as grateful as a stray dog who found a home. (And let this be the only time I analogize myself with a dog. :))

If your parents divorced while you were still a minor child, what do you wish they would have known before, during or after the divorce that would have made it easier for you to deal with?

 

[Scarlett]

I wouldn't tell other parents what they should or should not do, but FOR MYSELF, if something happened and Dh died or we divorced, I would absolutely not ever date or remarry. For me, the risk is too great. I never want my kids to have to deal with Mommy's newest boyfriend or husband.

 

I'm not sure if this is even true, but I read a study years ago that said the best way to protect your children from abuse is to never give them a stepfather. It really had an impact on me.

 

I don't judge other people who choose something different. I know some blended families which are ideal for everyone involved. I just know myself. I can be happy with my books and my children and my imaginary friends. I don't need romance enough to take those kinds of risks. Besides, if my first marriage fails, aren't the chances of my second marriage being sucessful pretty small.

 

I do have a friend who just left her marriage of 10 years because she just wasn't feeling in love anymore. I am so sad for her kids who adore their dad. Hopefully her new romance will last, but I don't think the statistics are on her side.

Usually women who leave the father of her children for reasons like that have another man lined up.

 

As for your resolve to never remarry if you are widowed or divorced.....I totally respect, maybe even admire that. However, especially with divorce and especially absent parents....sometimes kids need to see a healthy marriage....they need a role model of sam sex parent...my mom never dated and didn't remarry until I was 37.....my brother was 33......and my poor brother has really suffered.

[amy g.]

I'm still married to my kids' dad. They have had plenty of time to be exposed to our good, respectful marriage.

 

I guess I'm just saying that if someone divorces their spouse because they view their marriage as a C instead of an A, well, they can think that it is going to be great for their kids because the next one will be so great.....but, that is kind of a rare happening.

 

I know it happens. I know of some really stellar second marriages, but it isn't super common. It is much more likely that the person divorcing a C ends up with a D or an F the next time. That is really not good for kids.

 

Here is another thing that makes me mad, when my friends tell me how they are divorcing because he is such a loser. I always ask "What is it about you that made you choose someone like that?" If they don't even want to reflect on that, I don't have high hopes that they are going to somehow pick a winner next time.

 

So my friends should just avoid me when they are separating. It is too hard to be supportive of them most of the time.

[ktgrok]

 

Here is another thing that makes me mad, when my friends tell me how they are divorcing because he is such a loser. I always ask "What is it about you that made you choose someone like that?" If they don't even want to reflect on that, I don't have high hopes that they are going to somehow pick a winner next time.

 

That absolutely needs to be addressed. I did pick a loser. And it did reflect on me, my judgement, my priorites, etc. I very much had to learn and address those things. I did it before ever leaving, but it could be done after. 

 

That said,I can't imagine leaving without lots of therapy. I had to know I'd tried everything. And I did. When that didn't work, at least I came out of it with a lot of new insight into myself, my habits, my failings, and what a marriage needs to work. I think everyone should do that. But also, I was 17 when I met my ex. I married him because I was pregnant. I met my next husband when I was nearly 30. I was a totally different person, and much more mature. I knew what I wanted, and what I didn't want. I don't think making a mistake so long before that means I could never make a good choice in a man again, you know? 

[amy g.]

I agree with everything you just said. Compare that to someone who doesn't want to look at their contribution to their marriages failure. I don't think they have the same odds that you do for a future that is happy sand healthy for everyone.

[shinyhappypeople]

If your parents divorced while you were still a minor child, what do you wish they would have known before, during or after the divorce that would have made it easier for you to deal with?

 

In MY particular situation:

 

Before: I wish they'd divorced sooner and skipped the whole "seperated, reconciliation, ugh more of the same problems, separated again, maybe we should get back together?, ok, now we're getting divorced" bull.  The whole thing took about 5ish years and it was NOT fair to us kids at ALL.  I wish my mom would've quit giving my dad second-third-fourth... chances to be an adequate (not even great, just ADEQUATE) husband and father, which, by the way, he was never remotely successful at.  Seriously, they should have gotten REAL marriage counseling (not just talking to our church pastor) and then made a decision to divorce or stay married.  Choosing marriage?  Great.  Make a plan and do the next right thing.  Everyday rinse and repeat.  Choosing divorce?  Just rip off the bandage and DO IT.  I wish they hadn't jerked us kids around for so many years.

 

During:  They didn't involve us at all, I didn't know what was going on.  I guess a little information about the process and what was happening would have been good.  But just a little.

 

After:  They remained civil to each other.  Mom never bad-mouthed my dad to us, not even once.  This must have taken enormous self-control on her part, because he would have totally deserved anything she said. I give that woman serious respect for that.   Beyond that...  dad moved to a nearby town so was nearby for occasional visits, which is good, I guess, then he got cancer and died within two years of the divorce, so there wasn't very much "after."

[ktgrok]

I agree with everything you just said. Compare that to someone who doesn't want to look at their contribution to their marriages failure. I don't think they have the same odds that you do for a future that is happy sand healthy for everyone.

 

Agreed. Heck, I almost think everyone should go through marital therapy, preferably before getting married. I WISH the church that married my ex and I had taking premarital counseling seriously. Instead, I sat down and told the poor minister "I'm pregnant, he's a buddhist, and we need to get married ASAP. Like, next month." And the man did it. We had no business getting married. I don't think the priests at my church now will even marry you if you are pregnant, period, because they know you are under a lot of pressure and not making good decisions. 

 

I should add that neither my parents, my friends, nor my ex's friends thought we should get married.

Edited January 5, 2016 by ktgrok

[Scarlett]

I'm still married to my kids' dad. They have had plenty of time to be exposed to our good, respectful marriage.

 

I guess I'm just saying that if someone divorces their spouse because they view their marriage as a C instead of an A, well, they can think that it is going to be great for their kids because the next one will be so great.....but, that is kind of a rare happening.

 

I know it happens. I know of some really stellar second marriages, but it isn't super common. It is much more likely that the person divorcing a C ends up with a D or an F the next time. That is really not good for kids.

 

Here is another thing that makes me mad, when my friends tell me how they are divorcing because he is such a loser. I always ask "What is it about you that made you choose someone like that?" If they don't even want to reflect on that, I don't have high hopes that they are going to somehow pick a winner next time.

 

So my friends should just avoid me when they are separating. It is too hard to be supportive of them most of the time.

If your husband went insane tomorrow.....and it happens......you would stay single until your 5 yo was out of the home? Another 15 years. And if your husband abandoned your kids.....would the 5 year old view marriage and family in a healthy light? Sometimes I think it is a mistake to never marry again.

[Joanne]

The complicating factor is that romantic relationships are not necessarily (usually?) beneficial emotionally or otherwise. People can have full, meaningful lives without a romantic partner. Dating/marriage/etc are great, fun, wonderful, and my marriage is vital to my life, but I know plenty of folks who have very meaningful, full lives without being partnered. So, I do think it's important to "move on" with a meaningful life, but I disagree that dating need be involved in that.

 

I have a friend who was widowed a few years ago, at about age 40, and made the choice not to date until her kids were in college. She is super smart, super loving, incredibly good parent and super home-educator (older child is at an Ivy League college, younger child will be applying to comparable schools next year) . . . and she did the research and determined that kids are generally better off if a single parent does NOT date or remarry. I've not been in her shoes, so I've not done the hard research, but I trust her research, and certainly my personal experiences as a kid and as a bystander support her research. 

 

I've seen SO MANY kids screwed over as their parents search and search for their new partner, upending their lives and distracting them from the important business of PARENTING, introducing questionable partners into the home, co-habiting or quickly remarrying, partnering up with a new person when the ink isn't even penned to yet alone dry on their divorce documents. Kids are REELING when their parents separate, and they need as much parental attention and energy as possible. They don't benefit from sharing that energy or attention with a new lover. Certainly, anyone could imagine that falling in love and feeding that new passion is certainly going to take away a lot of energy and time from the parents. Time and energy they should be using to re-create their family life with their kids which has surely suffered during the lead up to the divorce and then been totally upended by the divorce itself. Free time needs to be used to support the relationships with the kids, the kids themselves, etc . . . not to fall in love with a new honey. 

 

I know it's way easier said than done. I haven't BTDT, and I'm not going to call out anyone who has done otherwise, and I can't swear I could do it myself, but if someone is truly looking for tips on how to do it right, IMHO, it is advisable to avoid dating (so far as the kids know, for sure) for as long as possible. CERTAINLY a year or two after the divorce is inked. Ideally, until the kids are up and out. IMHO.

 

I HAVE done it. It was my biggest post divorce mistake. I should have stayed dating, having a grand ole time, every other weekend when they were with their Dad. I should have adopted the stand I have now: wait until the kids are grown and out of the house.

 

Now that my kids ARE (nearly) grown and moving out, I don't care to couple or cohabitate at all.

 

[scoutingmom]

Well, I guess if my dh took some of the advice given out here, we would never have married and had 4 kids. Maybe the 3 kids from his first marriage would have been happier.... I have my doubts honestly. And btw, it feels very wierd to adult kids of divorce to have a parent remarry.... affects us a lot less I realize, but it sure feels wierd.

 

Sent from my SM-T530NU using Tapatalk

[amy g.]

I never said that no one should remarry. I said that FOR ME, the risk isn't worth it. If my husband went insane tomorrow, I'd focus on myself and my kids, not a new relationship. I'm fine with that.

 

I did not mean to derail this thread.

[Rosie_0801]

 

 

I'm not sure if this is even true, but I read a study years ago that said the best way to protect your children from abuse is to never give them a stepfather. It really had an impact on me.

 

 

The thing that sucks about that is that sometimes the best way to save your children from abuse is to give them the right stepfather.

 

 

I never said that no one should remarry. I said that FOR ME, the risk isn't worth it. If my husband went insane tomorrow, I'd focus on myself and my kids, not a new relationship. I'm fine with that.

I did not mean to derail this thread.

 

 

I think that is easier if you have had a marriage worth having.* You have done the living and growing that comes from a supportive marriage. You sound like you have a marriage worth having. :) 

 

*I'm not talking about silly women who want to be perpetually infatuated. I'm talking about abuse.

 

Having had a marriage worth having also puts you at a much lower risk of making a boo boo second time around. It can happen, but as someone said upthread, there are reasons why certain kinds of boo boos happen to some people and not others and it doesn't all come down to luck or planning.

 

[Scarlett]

I never said that no one should remarry. I said that FOR ME, the risk isn't worth it. If my husband went insane tomorrow, I'd focus on myself and my kids, not a new relationship. I'm fine with that.

 

I did not mean to derail this thread.

I don't think you derailed it. Your thoughts are relevant. I was just musing.....my brother was 5ish when our parents divorced. I think if my mom had been equipped to choose a proper second husband then my brother would have benefited. But she felt she couldn't take the chance so she stayed single ( no dating at all) for 28 years.

[HS Mom in NC]

My mother remarried when I was 3.  My step-dad was a good choice and a stabilizing force in our lives.  My mother would've been extremely difficult as a single person because she's someone who needs a peer who she has to make joint decisions with and answer to. 

My dad's alcoholism and adultery were the major factors that contributed to may parents' divorce.  When my mother finally threw him out (when I was 7 days old and my biological brother was 11 months old) she did more for all of us than she intended to.  She was putting an end to the crazy in our immediate environment but it was the wake up call dad needed.   So he sobered up and stayed sober.  That meant we had a chance for a healthy parent-child relationship with him.  (He had supervised visitation for a few years and then unsupervised.) So if you're out there worried about all the negative fallout that will come with every divorce, sometimes divorce can literally save lives and relationships for years to come.

My step-dad's major factors were his ex-wife's mental health issues (she is now institutionalized and has been for quite a while) and her adultery.  He stayed so long for the sake of the kids, but the damage that woman did to those kids continues.  Oldest married  a woman with mild mental health issues that turned into severe ones and their kids suffered terribly because of it. They just got divorced.  Middle chose not to have kids.  He still has terrible emotional scars from it at 50 years old.  Youngest was the only girl and abducted by her mother.  She's 45 now and has 4 children by 3 different men, starting in her mid teens.

 

There are very good reasons to get divorced. Don't stay too long in situations that are worse than divorce.

[Runningmom80]

My mother remarried when I was 3.  My step-dad was a good choice and a stabilizing force in our lives.  My mother would've been extremely difficult as a single person because she's someone who needs a peer who she has to make joint decisions with and answer to. 

 

My dad's alcoholism and adultery were the major factors that contributed to may parents' divorce.  When my mother finally threw him out (when I was 7 days old and my biological brother was 11 months old) she did more for all of us than she intended to.  She was putting an end to the crazy in our immediate environment but it was the wake up call dad needed.   So he sobered up and stayed sober.  That meant we had a chance for a healthy parent-child relationship with him.  (He had supervised visitation for a few years and then unsupervised.) So if you're out there worried about all the negative fallout that will come with every divorce, sometimes divorce can literally save lives and relationships for years to come.

 

My step-dad's major factors were his ex-wife's mental health issues (she is now institutionalized and has been for quite a while) and her adultery.  He stayed so long for the sake of the kids, but the damage that woman did to those kids continues.  Oldest married  a woman with mild mental health issues that turned into severe ones and their kids suffered terribly because of it. They just got divorced.  Middle chose not to have kids.  He still has terrible emotional scars from it at 50 years old.  Youngest was the only girl and abducted by her mother.  She's 45 now and has 4 children by 3 different men, starting in her mid teens.

 

There are very good reasons to get divorced. Don't stay too long in situations that are worse than divorce.

 

Absolutely.  I don't blame my parents for divorcing, it's how they did it that I take issue with.  I witnessed many years of domestic violence at the hands of an alcoholic father. Mental illness was also at play, probably with both parents to some extent.  The divorce was a relief at first, but then it turned into more fighting. I'm ultimately glad they divorced, I just wish they weren't both narcissists who put themselves first.

 

I guess you can't win them all.

 

[ktgrok]

I didn't mention it, but my ex is definitely better off because I divorced him. It forced him to stop blaming his problems on me. 

 

I do think that people need to realize that yes, the other person might be an alcoholic or adulterer or abusive, but if you picked them and stayed long enough to have kids you probably are an enabler. Learning boundaries and how not to be an enabler (and the passive agressive behavior that goes with that) is important in having a healthy relationship the next time around. 

[BarbecueMom]

My mother remarried when I was 3. My step-dad was a good choice and a stabilizing force in our lives. My mother would've been extremely difficult as a single person because she's someone who needs a peer who she has to make joint decisions with and answer to.

 

This bears repeating. Don't push children (minor or adult) into the roles that a partner had - decision maker, confidante, sounding board. Don't unload your work drama on them daily. Don't expect them to dispense advice. For the love of all that is holy, don't give them your responsibilities, whether it's coming up with a budget or picking out curtains. If you need someone to vent to frequently, find a friend who will listen or go to a therapist.

 

My parents never dated or married (my mom hasn't dated since before I was born), so no divorce, but the single parent issues still apply.

[HS Mom in NC]

I didn't mention it, but my ex is definitely better off because I divorced him. It forced him to stop blaming his problems on me. 

 

I do think that people need to realize that yes, the other person might be an alcoholic or adulterer or abusive, but if you picked them and stayed long enough to have kids you probably are an enabler. Learning boundaries and how not to be an enabler (and the passive agressive behavior that goes with that) is important in having a healthy relationship the next time around. 

 

That's so true. 

[Joanne]

I agree with everything you just said. Compare that to someone who doesn't want to look at their contribution to their marriages failure. I don't think they have the same odds that you do for a future that is happy sand healthy for everyone.

 

I have ZERO contribution to my 1st marriage's failure. ZERO.

 

It takes 2 to MAKE a marriage (but not to stay *married* on paper). It only takes one to ruin a marriage.

[Scarlett]

I have ZERO contribution to my 1st marriage's failure. ZERO.

 

It takes 2 to MAKE a marriage (but not to stay *married* on paper). It only takes one to ruin a marriage.

 

 

I also take zero responsibility for my failed first marriage.  However, I spent a lot of time figuring out how I ended up married to such a person in the first place.  I did most of that pre-divorce.  I tried to share with him various things I was learning about our dynamic and ways we might could have a happy marriage.  He was not one bit interested.  

 

So I forgave my 15 year old self who fell for a 16 year old boy who did back flips to get her.  And I forgive the 16 year old boy who thought having that 15 year old girl would solve his self esteem issues.

[HS Mom in NC]

I do want to make sure people understand that my step-dad's staying too long was greatly contributed to by a limited understanding of mental health issues and social pressures everyone was subject to back in the 1960s.  We have better awareness of what mental health issues are and that love doesn't fix them, good intentions don't fix them, and single parent families are not the worst possible scenario. Back then people had far less understanding of those things.

[abba12]

I've only skimmed the other responses, and most of what I'd say has already been said.

 

I think the number one thing for me is to acknowledge that, no matter what you do, even if you handle it perfectly, your kids WILL be effected, WILL be hurt and WILL be changed because of it. In the 90s, at least in my area, divorce was seen as only really effecting the parents. Yeah, it's a change for the kids, but they'll get over it, it's no big deal, it's mostly about the parents lives and happiness. Childrens books about divorced kids showed kids happy to switch between homes and excited by the different things they could do at each or happy about having two mums and two dads. There was very little acknowledgement that even a perfectly executed divorce could still be completely devastating to a child, because no one wanted to see that. They should have a right to divorce or marry whoever they want, having kids shouldn't effect their right to do what they pleased with their love life. Feminism came into it as well, because we all know you should be able to do anything you want with your life and not let having children stand in the way. I think we've grown past this mentality a bit these days, but it was definitely there among the families I knew growing up. Divorce was largely separate from the children's lives, they were just along for the ride. 

 

A lot of the kids around me with divorced parents felt like they weren't supposed to be hurt or weren't allowed to be sad. I experienced that for myself when my parents finally divorced when I was in my late teens, and my mum truly had no understanding why I blew my top and moved out of home, immediately, two hours later, when she brought her boyfriend over to stay for a week only 3 weeks after kicking dad out. I decided I'd rather be a homeless 17 year old than live with a strange man sleeping in my fathers bed. Obviously, that's an extreme example, most people aren't as stupid or mentally ill as my mother. But she had this idea that her love life was her business, dad was still around and visiting, there was no obviously visible drama, so us kids should have no say in what happens and not be effected by grown up matters. She was doing all the 'right' things (at that time, 3 weeks into it) as far as allowing my dad visitation and not letting us see the drama and things, so she convinced herself that us kids were 'supposed' to now be fine and ok with everything. She seemed genuinely taken aback when I was upset despite her 'perfect' handling of my dad. What right did I have to be upset or angry over her personal life, who she dated or slept with was none of my business right?

 

The interesting thing is my dad got a girlfriend very quickly himself, probably no more than two months after the separation. But she's my step-mother now and while we will never be super close (since I never lived with her)  I accept and like her and her kids. The difference is they respected me, they respected my feelings, he allowed me to be angry with him and loved me anyway. He allowed me to cry and scream about the situation and not defend himself, because he knew he was actively taking an action which was hurting me. Even though he felt it was the right thing to do or what he needed to do, he had still taken actions that hurt me and my siblings and he recognized and accepted that. That made all the difference.

Edited January 7, 2016 by abba12

[Rosie_0801]

Yes divorce affects children. Not divorcing affects children. Life itself affects children.

 

One problem that hasn't been mentioned is when adults very helpfully make divorce into a bigger problem than the kids were going to make it. This could be a crazy thing restricted to my relatives though...