................... Posted September 30, 2015 Share Posted September 30, 2015 My dd is having a birthday party and has just begun attending a one day a week school program. The week before attending she met one of the girls there who, after meeting her, left with another girl and sat in a tree making fun of my dd, gossiping about how weird it was that my dd still plays pretend, and also was particularly mean to some little kids there, sending older kids to go basically harass the little kids for fun. My dd decided not to be mean, but doesn't want to be close friends with this girl (so far I agree.) my dd is especially upset about how this girl was unkind to little ones. However it just so happens that if my dd doesn't invite her to her party, this girl will be the only girl in the class not attending the party. This was not my dd's intention and she is truly Vincennes about it but feels if we just send mostly email invitations this girl will never know. But, I remember how sad it was not to be included but also how great it was, when everyone was included. My dd is not a snob but she is very loyal, and very careful and also somewhat shy so she doesn't like inviting people she's not close with at least on some level. That also factors in. What would you do? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rosie_0801 Posted September 30, 2015 Share Posted September 30, 2015 I wouldn't pressure her either way. If dd chose to invite her, I'd give the girl one warning about nastiness if that became an issue, then ring her parent to pick her up because obviously she mustn't be feeling well. If dd chose not to I might tell her, if it was raised, to say "I'm sorry to leave her out, of course, but I can't trust X to be friendly." 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
misty.warden Posted September 30, 2015 Share Posted September 30, 2015 I may be unpopular, but I don't believe in either a) forcing a child to invite someone to their party if they do not want to or b) that being left out is to be avoided at all costs. Sounds to me like that girl was being a bit of a bully, and even if she has things going on that cause her behavior problem (two sides to every story), that doesn't mean you need to encourage contact. Who knows, maybe the girl will realize that her behavior made your dd not want to be her friend and change. Or maybe she won't notice or care. 9 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
................... Posted September 30, 2015 Author Share Posted September 30, 2015 Thanks....the input is helpful. I should respect my dd's feelings I think, which are at this point not to invite her but be very discreet about the invitations. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lang Syne Boardie Posted September 30, 2015 Share Posted September 30, 2015 I would never leave out just one girl of the class. I would watch like a hawk during the party, to help everyone mind their manners, because that's what adults in a community do. Leaving her out is unthinkable to me. 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eagle Posted September 30, 2015 Share Posted September 30, 2015 Your daughter's party is to celebrate her birth. I would only invite people who truly care about your daughter. If the girl finds out and questions it, your daughter can tell her there was some pretend play at the party and she knew the girl wasn't interested in that. 9 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Starr Posted September 30, 2015 Share Posted September 30, 2015 She needs to make her decision based on the fact that the girl will find out about the party. These things are never kept quiet. :grouphug: 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Junie Posted September 30, 2015 Share Posted September 30, 2015 How many girls are in the class? If the girl being left out is one of 5, that is completely different than if she is one of 20 being left out. How long has your daughter known her? About a month? How long has she known the other girls? If the girl being left out is the only one she has known for a short time, this would be a reasonable explanation for her not being invited. Attitude/behavior need not even be discussed. However, if there are quite a few girls invited that your dd has known for only a short period of time, and this one is not, that could look like a (possibly deserved, granted) slight. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OneStepAtATime Posted September 30, 2015 Share Posted September 30, 2015 There is no way "discreet" is going to keep the girl from finding out about the party if she is the only one not invited from your daughter's class. This means that any chance to keep the relationship at least civil will probably not happen. I would gently suggest that you discuss with her the possible long term ramifications of inviting all the other children but this one when this girl finds out...because she will. Maybe not before the party but definitely afterwards. Kids talk. 8 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
forty-two Posted September 30, 2015 Share Posted September 30, 2015 I was the only girl not invited to a party once. It sucked, I cried, but I got over it. But *three* years after it had happened, the girl's mom apologized to my mom about it. I hadn't even remembered it anymore, but it had stuck in her head all that time. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
................... Posted September 30, 2015 Author Share Posted September 30, 2015 Hmmm...another option is just to not invite so many of the girls from the class. There are only 5 near her age (the girls range from 11-15). She could just invite the two (that she has had over her house and know from other events previously) and in this way it'll be obvious that it was a small party just for her closer friends. And with only two girls attending, one of which is older and very quiet, it actually probably won't be discussed. ... My dd will feel like she can't just relax, with this girl there, so I really don't want to force the issue. So I think just scaling back the amount of people invited from this class would be the best option at this point... 28 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AimeeM Posted September 30, 2015 Share Posted September 30, 2015 I wouldn't force it. This is a pretty natural consequence to having an unkind disposition - if you're mean to others, then others do not want to be around you. It's something I explain to even my 6 year old, and definitely long-since to my teenage daughter. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amsunshine Posted September 30, 2015 Share Posted September 30, 2015 This is a really difficult issue, but I tend to agree with AimeeM. If this girl is 11 or older (and it sounds like she is), she is old enough to know that her own behavior has consequences. Also, your own daughter should be able to have a say about who she will celebrate her birthday (a special time) with. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lang Syne Boardie Posted September 30, 2015 Share Posted September 30, 2015 Hmmm...another option is just to not invite so many of the girls from the class. There are only 5 near her age (the girls range from 11-15). She could just invite the two (that she has had over her house and know from other events previously) and in this way it'll be obvious that it was a small party just for her closer friends. And with only two girls attending, one of which is older and very quiet, it actually probably won't be discussed. ... My dd will feel like she can't just relax, with this girl there, so I really don't want to force the issue. So I think just scaling back the amount of people invited from this class would be the best option at this point... I think this is a very wise solution! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Junie Posted September 30, 2015 Share Posted September 30, 2015 Hmmm...another option is just to not invite so many of the girls from the class. There are only 5 near her age (the girls range from 11-15). She could just invite the two (that she has had over her house and know from other events previously) and in this way it'll be obvious that it was a small party just for her closer friends. And with only two girls attending, one of which is older and very quiet, it actually probably won't be discussed. ... My dd will feel like she can't just relax, with this girl there, so I really don't want to force the issue. So I think just scaling back the amount of people invited from this class would be the best option at this point... This sounds like a great solution!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rosie_0801 Posted September 30, 2015 Share Posted September 30, 2015 It sounds like punishing other people for what one girl did, to me. But what they don't know won't hurt them. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tanaqui Posted September 30, 2015 Share Posted September 30, 2015 At the age range you stated, I don't think it's necessary to have an "invite everybody" rule. Let's all remember Geek Social Fallacy #1. It's not bad to exclude people if their behavior is actually abhorrent. This girl is not a five year old who doesn't know how to act, nor is she a child who is disliked because she wears funny clothes (or whatever). She's in her double digits, and your kid has a valid reason for wanting to avoid her company. By adolescence, "don't be a horrid jerk" should be more or less ingrained as the basic rule of social behavior. With that said, a smaller party can be more fun. Certainly it's more intimate to restrict your gathering just to people whose company you really enjoy rather than everybody in the world you get along with (with or without the one person you don't). If your daughter would prefer a smaller party, go for it. That solution is also simple and elegant. 8 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kolamum Posted September 30, 2015 Share Posted September 30, 2015 I'd go with a small, but close, group of friends. We've done that with a large local group.. Then we take cupcakes to the main group event/meeting if the child wants to. :) 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
katilac Posted September 30, 2015 Share Posted September 30, 2015 I would invite exactly who she wants to invite. This girl forfeited the right to be included. Your dd isn't trying to exclude someone based on popularity and such - this girl was downright nasty to her. I think it's actually just as much of a kindness for her to learn now that such behavior doesn't result in party invitations. 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
abba12 Posted September 30, 2015 Share Posted September 30, 2015 Keep in mind, if the girl finds out she was the only one who didn't attend, it will be fuel for more bullying. I'd probably invite and supervise, or not invite so many other girls. Your daughter doesn't need to make a further target of herself by upsetting the bully. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
katilac Posted September 30, 2015 Share Posted September 30, 2015 Keep in mind, if the girl finds out she was the only one who didn't attend, it will be fuel for more bullying. I'd probably invite and supervise, or not invite so many other girls. Your daughter doesn't need to make a further target of herself by upsetting the bully. Bullies don't need fuel. I would never, ever allow someone to come to my house so that they don't bully my kids! 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EndOfOrdinary Posted October 1, 2015 Share Posted October 1, 2015 Is your daughter willing to stand up for her decision? I mean, if called out, further ridiculed, made a scene of, is your daughter willing to stand firm and tall to say, "you were unkind to me and the consequence of that is I do not want to invite to my party." If she is not willing to be called out, then finding a more discreet solution (such as fewer people) is probably best. Niether option is bad, and absolutely no judgement on your daughter either way. Comfortability with open declarations and standing ground is definitely a personality trait. My husband has it in spades! Me, not so much. I think you should just have the honest conversation about the personal consequences. These sorts of situations (ones with bullies and punks) are never really going to go away. Best try to help her figure out her own strategy of handling it that works with her personality so in the future she has some tools. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alessandra Posted October 1, 2015 Share Posted October 1, 2015 I would check school policy first. Some school say that you cannot invite almost everyone and just leave out a few people. You can invite small groups or invite all the girls or all the boys, but you cannot exclude. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ravin Posted October 1, 2015 Share Posted October 1, 2015 I would check school policy first. Some school say that you cannot invite almost everyone and just leave out a few people. You can invite small groups or invite all the girls or all the boys, but you cannot exclude. This is usually only relevant and enforceable if invitations are being distributed at school. I'm with those who have stated that exclusion for a good reason (bad behavior towards you DD) is not the same as bullying exclusion. It does sound like erring towards a smaller group is the way to go here, though, but that's more my "who in their right mind has that many adolescent girls over for a party at once?" introverted supervising parent instinct which has nothing to do with the described situation with that particular girl. That said, I'm also big on encouraging second chances. Two girls with whom my DD's first interactions were negative (they picked on/bullied her) eventually became her friends after appropriate intervention and consequences for the bad behavior. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Reefgazer Posted October 1, 2015 Share Posted October 1, 2015 No, I wouldn't invite her. In fact, I counsel my kids to stay far away from bullies and mean children. Her being the only girl not invited is a natural consequence of her being cruel and obnoxious. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Reefgazer Posted October 1, 2015 Share Posted October 1, 2015 You can do whatever you please off school property; the school can't control off site social interactions. I would check school policy first. Some school say that you cannot invite almost everyone and just leave out a few people. You can invite small groups or invite all the girls or all the boys, but you cannot exclude. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
reign Posted October 1, 2015 Share Posted October 1, 2015 Is your daughter willing to stand up for her decision? I mean, if called out, further ridiculed, made a scene of, is your daughter willing to stand firm and tall to say, "you were unkind to me and the consequence of that is I do not want to invite to my party." If she is not willing to be called out, then finding a more discreet solution (such as fewer people) is probably best. Niether option is bad, and absolutely no judgement on your daughter either way. Comfortability with open declarations and standing ground is definitely a personality trait. My husband has it in spades! Me, not so much. I think you should just have the honest conversation about the personal consequences. These sorts of situations (ones with bullies and punks) are never really going to go away. Best try to help her figure out her own strategy of handling it that works with her personality so in the future she has some tools. I strongly agree with this advice! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kiwik Posted October 1, 2015 Share Posted October 1, 2015 I wouldn't invite so many people from school. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alessandra Posted October 1, 2015 Share Posted October 1, 2015 This is usually only relevant and enforceable if invitations are being distributed at school. I'm with those who have stated that exclusion for a good reason (bad behavior towards you DD) is not the same as bullying exclusion. It does sound like erring towards a smaller group is the way to go here, though, but that's more my "who in their right mind has that many adolescent girls over for a party at once?" introverted supervising parent instinct which has nothing to do with the described situation with that particular girl. That said, I'm also big on encouraging second chances. Two girls with whom my DD's first interactions were negative (they picked on/bullied her) eventually became her friends after appropriate intervention and consequences for the bad behavior. You can do whatever you please off school property; the school can't control off site social interactions. Right, I know that kind of policy is not enforceable, but I still would not want to put my kid in the position of excluding one person. Isn't op's daughter new at the school? Unless someone repeats what the excluded girl did, op's daughter's reputation ccould suffer. If there is a policy and people adhere to it, then I would tend in that direction. But I do think the creative ways dealing with the situation that some posters suggested are good. For example, Inviting fewer people from the school would let you ditch the girl you don't want. ETA. I just re read the first post. It sounds as though the op knows about the mean girl secondhand. I can only speak from my own experience, but, when my kids were young, they sometimes made mistakes in judging people. Kids who they called mean at first turned out to be nice, and vice versa. 😯 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Butter Posted October 1, 2015 Share Posted October 1, 2015 No way would I invited a girl who behaved that way. Actions have consequences. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
................... Posted October 1, 2015 Author Share Posted October 1, 2015 OK, we made the final decision...you have all been so helpful. It turns out that of the girls near in age to my dd (6th and 7th graders), 3 will be invited, and 3 will not. Of the 3 that will not be invited, 2 are downright rude. My dd elaborated with more details and it sounds like she is right, so I will allow her decision to stand. :o) So, I think reducing the party size a bit and also just letting things take their course as far as friendships is best. My dd wants to enjoy her party, not be made fun of or whispered about. :o( 9 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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