For those with Christian children, how have they handled living on a secular campus?

[Bristayl]

I am interested in hearing about how Christian students deal with challenges such as dorm life with prevalent sex/alcohol, and professors who may be blatantly "anti-Christian". (I am aware that these problems are not limited to secular campuses.)

 

I am asking because it seems likely that my dd will be better served academically if she attends a secular university, but I keep hearing statistics about how many students lose their faith in college, etc., etc. She has a "gentle and quiet spirit" and I am not sure how well she would thrive emotionally in a secular college environment, but I am not seeing Christian/evangelical colleges that offer nearly as many opportunities academically, particularly in biological/biomedical science.

 

Am I listening to too many horror stories? Is it really as bad as the stories make it out to be, or not? To what extent could involvement with a campus ministry help? I do plan for her to do some dual enrollment at a local public four-year university while still living at home, which I hope will help somewhat with the transition.

 

I realize that no one can tell me how my particular child would deal with it, and that I have time to try to help her be prepared (she is only going into the 9th grade at this point), but I would appreciate hearing your students' experiences and/or advice.

 

Please don't flame; I am not trying to be "judgmental" or "sheltering"; it is a genuine concern on my part.

 

[creekland]

My younger two are both at secular places.  They handle it the same way we parents handle it at home.  We all live and let live.  We want our friends to respect us for who we are, so we offer them the same.

 

Yes, they have friends who drink and use drugs.  Those are generally not close friends though simply because they prefer doing different things in their spare time, but they are friends and it's ok.

 

Yes, they have friends who have different beliefs (even close friends).  Sometimes those differences come up in conversation just like any other topic young adults will talk about.  It's actually nice to know young adults can discuss such things sanely and without condemnation of each other.  ;)

 

Both guys are involved with campus ministries they enjoy, but they are also involved with other clubs too.

 

It all pretty much matches our world.  

 

I have no regrets with their choosing secular places.  

[regentrude]

I cannot answer your original questions since my child is not Christian, but I want to comment on this:

 

...challenges such as dorm life with prevalent sex/alcohol,....

 

Am I listening to too many horror stories? Is it really as bad as the stories make it out to be, or not?

 

Yes, you are listening to too many horror stories. Not all schools are created equal, and not all students.

It is entirely possible to attend a secular college without being involved with alcohol and/or sex. Many students actually study and don't have time or inclination for partying and are not interested in casual sexual encounters either. School cultures differ greatly in this respect, too.

 

[Sneezyone]

My cousin went to a big, liberal state U as a nominal christian and graduated as an evangelical thanks to Campus Crusade for Christ. He met and married a girl in the same organization. They remained abstinent until marriage (and announced this at the rehearsal dinner and wedding reception). YMMV.

[Jane Elliot]

LeTourneau University has a major in biomedical engineering, in case you are interested.

 

Yes, I highly recommend you look into LeTourneau. We've had two sons graduate from there. Another spent three years majoring in biology there and then did his final year at a state school. He's halfway through dental school now. He was surprised at how inferior the education at the state school was compared to LeTourneau. He married the summer between his junior and senior years and so didn't live on campus at the state school. But, he had one professor who made it a point to mention every single class period how stupid he thought anyone who believed in intelligent design was. In contrast, LeTU seemed very open-minded and even hosted debates between evolutionists and intelligent design scientists. He was down at LeTU with me last month for another son's graduation, and while there he said he wished he had just finished at LeTU. It's a great school -- wonderful atmosphere and rigorous academics.

[PinkyandtheBrains.]

I cannot answer your original questions since my child is not Christian, but I want to comment on this:

 

 

Yes, you are listening to too many horror stories. Not all schools are created equal, and not all students.

It is entirely possible to attend a secular college without being involved with alcohol and/or sex. Many students actually study and don't have time or inclination for partying and are not interested in casual sexual encounters either. School cultures differ greatly in this respect, too.

 

I went to a rated "party school" and I didn't get involved in that scene, and found plenty of peers who weren't either.

[Scarlett]

I am interested in hearing about how Christian students deal with challenges such as dorm life with prevalent sex/alcohol, and professors who may be blatantly "anti-Christian". (I am aware that these problems are not limited to secular campuses.)

 

I am asking because it seems likely that my dd will be better served academically if she attends a secular university, but I keep hearing statistics about how many students lose their faith in college, etc., etc. She has a "gentle and quiet spirit" and I am not sure how well she would thrive emotionally in a secular college environment, but I am not seeing Christian/evangelical colleges that offer nearly as many opportunities academically, particularly in biological/biomedical science.

 

Am I listening to too many horror stories? Is it really as bad as the stories make it out to be, or not? To what extent could involvement with a campus ministry help? I do plan for her to do some dual enrollment at a local public four-year university while still living at home, which I hope will help somewhat with the transition.

 

I realize that no one can tell me how my particular child would deal with it, and that I have time to try to help her be prepared (she is only going into the 9th grade at this point), but I would appreciate hearing your students' experiences and/or advice.

 

Please don't flame; I am not trying to be "judgmental" or "sheltering"; it is a genuine concern on my part.

 

 

Well.  I plan to deal with it by not sending my son off to a campus/dorm.  He is immersed in his life and he will go to a college of some sort to get training to make a living.  This has been my plan since before he was born.  I feel as strongly about it now as I did 15 years ago. Some will say I am sheltering too much....but I have so few years to influence him .  As an adult on his own he will do as he pleases.  While he is under my guidance and I am footing the bill I will continue to guide him as I see fit.  

[Scarlett]

As for the drug, alcohol, sex scene.....that runs rampant in my family and I hope to get my son stable enough in life to avoid that.  We talk about it constantly..  

[Bristayl]

 They handle it the same way we parents handle it at home.  

 

It all pretty much matches our world.  

 

This is a good way to look at it.  I guess I was assuming the pressures would be greater on a college campus. Thanks for that perspective.

[Bristayl]

It is entirely possible to attend a secular college without being involved with alcohol and/or sex. Many students actually study and don't have time or inclination for partying and are not interested in casual sexual encounters either. School cultures differ greatly in this respect, too.

 

 

My cousin went to a big, liberal state U as a nominal christian and graduated as an evangelical thanks to Campus Crusade for Christ. He met and married a girl in the same organization. They remained abstinent until marriage (and announced this at the rehearsal dinner and wedding reception). YMMV.

 

 

I went to a rated "party school" and I didn't get involved in that scene, and found plenty of peers who weren't either.

 

 

Thank you all for this encouragement! My only experience at a secular university was for my masters degree, and by then I was married so I don't know what it is like to live on campus.

[Bristayl]

LeTourneau University has a major in biomedical engineering, in case you are interested.

 

 

Yes, I highly recommend you look into LeTourneau. 

 

LETU is actually on my list to check out, particularly since we live in Texas. I don't see dd as being an engineering type as much as a science type, and although LETU does have some undergraduate research, the possible research areas in biology seem more limited than at a larger research university (one that encourages undergraduate research, of course).  But we will probably still check it out, especially since over 1/4 of the student body was homeschooled.

[Bristayl]

There are also schools that offer drug/alcohol free dorms or floors of a dorm. The kids sign a statement promising to not imbibe. My son chose this for his second year and it's been fine. You can also google which dorms are the party dorms on any campus and get a feel for what's available.

You can also go to RateMyProf and pick a school, then peruse all the profs of classes your child's interested in. I find it to be spot on for accurately describing most profs. If ther are some that are vocally anti-anything, you'll see it on their reviews.

 

The drug/alcohol free dorms/floors concept had slipped my mind; I'll have to make sure that's one of the things we look at when we get to that point.

 

I've benefited from RateMyProfessor already in looking at professors for dual enrollment--I'll have to encourage her to continue to use it!

[Bristayl]

Well.  I plan to deal with it by not sending my son off to a campus/dorm.  He is immersed in his life and he will go to a college of some sort to get training to make a living. 

 

Thanks for sharing this. One possibility would be for my dd to continue to live at home and commute to a nearby state university, but unfortunately it is not that great academically. So I am trying to figure out how to balance that.

[G5052]

I was the head dormitory assistant at a state school.  I know first hand how good dorm living can be and also how bad it can be.  Prior to that school, I attended a conservative Christian school with single sex dorms.  Frankly I had good and bad experiences at each and remain in contact with friends from each school.

 

If you kid is going to be a follower who wants to try everything, I wouldn't send them into a situation where that might derail their lives.

 

On the other hand, if they have their heads on straight, have proven themselves when confronted with opportunities to derail, and if you know that there is going to be support there in terms of being able to find like-minded kids, I would give them a chance to prove themselves.

 

That said, money is tight here, and mine likely will commute.  Firstborn very willingly chose that because of his desire to remain involved in the community and save for graduate school.  The schools within commuting distance as excellent though, so that makes a difference.

[AK_Mom4]

All three of my older kids attended secular schools and lived in dorms.   All three found groups of friends there with similar mindsets and really weren't tempted by the party lifestyle.  It has seemed that there were lots of campus groups to get involved with where they found like-minded people who share their values.

[Scarlett]

Thanks for sharing this. One possibility would be for my dd to continue to live at home and commute to a nearby state university, but unfortunately it is not that great academically. So I am trying to figure out how to balance that.

 

 

I struggle with it too.   My son is very very bright academically and I fully expect pushback from the school over our decisions.  

 

In the end academics do not make a happy full life.  It is a means to an end.  

[creekland]

This is a good way to look at it.  I guess I was assuming the pressures would be greater on a college campus. Thanks for that perspective.

 

Even my youngest, who attends one of the Top 10 "Reefer Madness" schools, tells me that kids there don't really pressure others to join.  The main key is to live and let live, coupled with choosing your friends wisely if there's someone who has an agenda wanting to force everyone to be like them.

 

If you have a student who wants to "explore," they will.  Such is life.  But if you have a student who is content with who they are, there are oodles of opportunities they can take advantage of at many secular schools.

 

My guys have never felt the need to follow the crowd - not here at home and not away at college.  Neither of us parents felt that need either.  We both went to a secular state U too and had plenty of friends of all "types."  I believe that actually helps us adjust to life in the real world better, but my oldest picked a Christian school and was happy there, so it's really more of an overall fit deal IME.

[Tsuga]

I am interested in hearing about how Christian students deal with challenges such as dorm life with prevalent sex/alcohol, and professors who may be blatantly "anti-Christian". (I am aware that these problems are not limited to secular campuses.)

 

I am asking because it seems likely that my dd will be better served academically if she attends a secular university, but I keep hearing statistics about how many students lose their faith in college, etc., etc. She has a "gentle and quiet spirit" and I am not sure how well she would thrive emotionally in a secular college environment, but I am not seeing Christian/evangelical colleges that offer nearly as many opportunities academically, particularly in biological/biomedical science.

 

Am I listening to too many horror stories? Is it really as bad as the stories make it out to be, or not? To what extent could involvement with a campus ministry help? I do plan for her to do some dual enrollment at a local public four-year university while still living at home, which I hope will help somewhat with the transition.

 

I realize that no one can tell me how my particular child would deal with it, and that I have time to try to help her be prepared (she is only going into the 9th grade at this point), but I would appreciate hearing your students' experiences and/or advice.

 

Please don't flame; I am not trying to be "judgmental" or "sheltering"; it is a genuine concern on my part.

 

I was a Christian in college. I went to a fairly highly ranked regional state university. I did not lose my faith in college.

 

1. I did not go to a school with frats or sororities. That didn't jive with my values. (Still doesn't.)

 

2. I joined a church that had youth groups (Campus Christian something) and rented in a Christian girls' house for the last two years, with a Christian house mom. Many large universities have such houses. I lived with some really wonderful people.

 

3. I hated the sciences for their intolerance. There was very much, and still is, a "team science" thing going on and they couldn't deal with threats to their worldview which was and is, in my opinion, a whole worldview. I am an atheist now (I was raised an atheist and lost my faith long after college) and my partner is a scientist. Discussing science with him irritates me because he is unable to criticize or question the framework. It's stupid. And I'm not even a Christian. He just can't believe, for example, that there could be bias in science due to funding by certain large multinationals.  :001_rolleyes:  Because, you know, that's never happened. I studied philosophy instead because I found people more tolerant. The key, in my opinion, is finding a good mentor within the college and department who shares your basic faith or who is willing to tolerate it and support you being who you are.

 

4. I didn't drink until I was legal, period. I was poor and wasn't going to risk my future being stupid. I also didn't date at all, because I knew I didn't intend to have sex before marriage, and I didn't want to lead anyone on. I am a strong-minded person and boys didn't ask me out. :) I was not alone.

 

There are many, many Christian groups in almost every college. Community helps. Finding a mentor among faculty who treats you with respect is equally important. I would suggest reaching out to the most tolerant if possible.

 

Best of luck to your daughter. I do think a good university will have and tolerate all kinds of people. I hope she finds her tribe there.

 

I hope that helps.

[mamaraby]

Ok, so I'm not a Christian, but I *was* one who went to a state university and Moody Bible Institute. Going to the state university didn't make me lose my faith (went there straight out of high school). Moody didn't make me keep my faith for my whole life (went there after state university and my undergraduate degree is from there).

 

Likewise, going to Moody didn't guarantee that no one drank, smoked, had sex, did drugs, watched movies, danced, etc. I am not the only Mood graduate who is currently an atheist. I know another one very personally and a handful that attended Moody at the same time as me (and all were very serious Christians with plans to go into the ministry cuz that's what Moody is all about). Conversely, two of my former college roommates from the state university are still Christians.

 

Christian college will not keep people Christian. "Secular" colleges are not a guarantee that people will lose their faith. It's never just as simple as that.

[Reefgazer]

I can't answer your question at all, but I did want to comment on the bolded.  I think it's quite common for religious/Christian and non-religious kids to move away from the church/distance themselves from the church in the years after they leave home, to question what they have been taught or what they believe, and to even reject their faith.  I don't think this is unusual, or a cause for alarm, or even a permanent state (although for some, it will be).  I think this is part of growing up and finding themselves and coming to peace with what they believe.  I did this, and I see many (most) of the youths in my church doing this.  All of this is to say, it might happen whether your DD attends a secular or non-secular college; just because of the age and stage of development.

I am interested in hearing about how Christian students deal with challenges such as dorm life with prevalent sex/alcohol, and professors who may be blatantly "anti-Christian". (I am aware that these problems are not limited to secular campuses.)

 

I am asking because it seems likely that my dd will be better served academically if she attends a secular university, but I keep hearing statistics about how many students lose their faith in college, etc., etc. She has a "gentle and quiet spirit" and I am not sure how well she would thrive emotionally in a secular college environment, but I am not seeing Christian/evangelical colleges that offer nearly as many opportunities academically, particularly in biological/biomedical science.

 

Am I listening to too many horror stories? Is it really as bad as the stories make it out to be, or not? To what extent could involvement with a campus ministry help? I do plan for her to do some dual enrollment at a local public four-year university while still living at home, which I hope will help somewhat with the transition.

 

I realize that no one can tell me how my particular child would deal with it, and that I have time to try to help her be prepared (she is only going into the 9th grade at this point), but I would appreciate hearing your students' experiences and/or advice.

 

Please don't flame; I am not trying to be "judgmental" or "sheltering"; it is a genuine concern on my part.

 

[LucyStoner]

I started to lose my faith while I was in college but I don't think it I was at all because of college. I also did zero drugs, never got drunk and dated exactly one person in college who I subsequently married. Not that it matters much, and we didn't announce it at the rehersal dinner like that one poster's relative (can we say awkward?!) but we'd each delayed sexual activity.

 

I don't think it is religion that keeps college kids from sexual and substance experimentation. I was straight edge (no drugs or alcohol) because of my wholly non-religious beliefs. My reasons for delaying sex were more complicated than religion as well. I was around plenty of partiers and my lack of interest wasn't at all a function of lack of access or shortage of opportunities. I could have been drinking or taking drugs pretty much whenever I wanted from age 13-14 on up but I chose to not try drugs or drink. Sports, a job, a political mindset and personal values kept me on the straight and narrow during that period of high school and college.

[Bluegoat]

There are a lot of young marriages at Christian colleges...

 

Really, I think if your child isn't ready to deal with the world by his late teens, you have bigger problems, because that isn't likely to radically change when he graduates in four years.

 

It is worth considering living arrangements, because there are some places that can be a drag to live if you are not into the party culture.  Often there are options.  My first year in residence I lived on a floor that did not allow overnight male visitors - not because I was a Christian, but I didn't want to deal with a roommate who wanted her boyfriend over all the time.

 

Students often do need supports sometimes to keep themselves on track, and a religious community can be part of that. But I don't think Christian colleges are actually very good at that, they seem to do it by treating the students like kids rather than adults.

 

FWIW I became a Christian at university, largely as a result of my studies and exposure to a different kind of religion than I had seen before, but it was at a secular liberal arts school with all kinds of people and profs.  I doubt a CHristian school would have had the same effect.

[Bluegoat]

I can't answer your question at all, but I did want to comment on the bolded.  I think it's quite common for religious/Christian and non-religious kids to move away from the church/distance themselves from the church in the years after they leave home, to question what they have been taught or what they believe, and to even reject their faith.  I don't think this is unusual, or a cause for alarm, or even a permanent state (although for some, it will be).  I think this is part of growing up and finding themselves and coming to peace with what they believe.  I did this, and I see many (most) of the youths in my church doing this.  All of this is to say, it might happen whether your DD attends a secular or non-secular college; just because of the age and stage of development.

 

Yes, I totally agree.  And actually I think a lot of kids do it in their early teens - some of the kids in very observant homes I think are late - either because they are not as aware of other good options or they are not wanting to cause conflict at home.

[Sneezyone]

Not that it matters much, and we didn't announce it at the rehersal dinner like that one poster's relative (can we say awkward?!) but we'd each delayed sexual activity.

Yes, it was awkward. Very, very awkward. It indicated just how much he'd changed tho because he had no such reservations about sex in high school. The happy couple, their friends and her family saw it as cause for celebration.

[Pawz4me]

I struggle with it too.   My son is very very bright academically and I fully expect pushback from the school over our decisions.  

 

In the end academics do not make a happy full life.  It is a means to an end.  

 

Not to derail, but I don't understand the bolded comment.  Institutions either have a live on campus requirement or they don't, or they have some requirements but make some exceptions (typically for those who live with their parents within a certain distance).  I've never heard of any college or university that pushed particular students to live on campus due to their level of smarts.

 

Usually if you poke around on a school's website you can find their housing requirements and exceptions.

[Bristayl]

Even my youngest, who attends one of the Top 10 "Reefer Madness" schools, tells me that kids there don't really pressure others to join.  The main key is to live and let live, coupled with choosing your friends wisely if there's someone who has an agenda wanting to force everyone to be like them.

 

If you have a student who wants to "explore," they will.  Such is life.  But if you have a student who is content with who they are, there are oodles of opportunities they can take advantage of at many secular schools.

 

Thanks, Creekland. When I posted my question, I was hoping you might chime in, so I appreciate your input.

[Bristayl]

If you kid is going to be a follower who wants to try everything, I wouldn't send them into a situation where that might derail their lives.

 

On the other hand, if they have their heads on straight, have proven themselves when confronted with opportunities to derail, and if you know that there is going to be support there in terms of being able to find like-minded kids, I would give them a chance to prove themselves.

 

Good thoughts. Thanks!

[Bristayl]

All three of my older kids attended secular schools and lived in dorms.   All three found groups of friends there with similar mindsets and really weren't tempted by the party lifestyle.  It has seemed that there were lots of campus groups to get involved with where they found like-minded people who share their values.

 

 

I was a Christian in college. I went to a fairly highly ranked regional state university. I did not lose my faith in college.

 

 I am an atheist now (I was raised an atheist and lost my faith long after college)

 

4. I didn't drink until I was legal, period. I was poor and wasn't going to risk my future being stupid. I also didn't date at all, because I knew I didn't intend to have sex before marriage, and I didn't want to lead anyone on. I am a strong-minded person and boys didn't ask me out. :) I was not alone.

 

 it might happen whether your DD attends a secular or non-secular college; just because of the age and stage of development.

 

 

 Sports, a job, a political mindset and personal values kept me on the straight and narrow during that period of high school and college.

 

 

 

FWIW I became a Christian at university, largely as a result of my studies and exposure to a different kind of religion than I had seen before, but it was at a secular liberal arts school with all kinds of people and profs.  I doubt a CHristian school would have had the same effect.

 

 

Thank you all for the positive feedback, and for the reminder that matters of faith and the choices we make are much more complex than just where we go to college.

[Bristayl]

Christian college will not keep people Christian. "Secular" colleges are not a guarantee that people will lose their faith. It's never just as simple as that.

 

 

I meant to include you in that last "Multiquote" I posted!

[creekland]

Thanks, Creekland. When I posted my question, I was hoping you might chime in, so I appreciate your input.

 

Youngest is also NOT the only committed Christian at his school.  Those there enjoy the fellowship of each other and feel they ended up there partially to be support for each other.

 

That said, all have good non-Christian friends too, found through classes, other interests (clubs,etc), and dorm living.  My guy prefers not to hang around those actively using weed (since it's airborne) and they know this.  He gets invitations to watch movies or hang out with them, but they remain friends when he politely declines.  When he's in environments where others are drinking alcohol, he will have his Coke or fruit juice (no deception) and no one feels out of place.

 

With intimate relationships, everyone decides for themselves what they are going to do (this was the same at oldest son's Christian college).

 

It really is very similar to the real world.

 

Middle son is an RA (Resident Advisor in charge of a section of his dorm) and doesn't allow obvious use of substances (school policy).  If students are drunk/high it gets recorded and if there is obvious use going on in the dorm, security gets called.  However, they know use goes on and when kids aren't being obvious about it or going out in public, it gets overlooked.  His school has done a survey that showed roughly 66% of students had had at least one drink the previous semester.  This, of course, means roughly 1/3rd did not.  ;)

 

My suggestion is to check with Christian groups at schools you are considering and ask students there about resident life.  I know my guys are both totally honest when they get questions about their respective schools.

 

All in all though, whether any individual is going to hang on to their faith in college or afterward depends totally upon them.  

[happypamama]

I think it highly depends on the kid. I was a Christian kid (and a fairly sheltered one, at that), and I went to a very large, very secular university that turned out to be a really great fit for me. I think getting involved in a campus ministry might have been a good plan for me; I did attend one occasionally, but I don't care for large group gatherings and a lot of personal contact, so I wasn't that all invested in going. (Finding a new church is hard on dedicated introverts, lol. I thrived at the university overall because I was in a small program with a fantastic advisor.). I had a single room for half of my time there and a steady boyfriend from day on (far before); I had more than ample opportunities to have all the s*x I could have wanted, and nobody would have batted an eye. We chose not to. Can't say as it was necessarily an easy choice (especially the last semester, when we were engaged and weeks away from our wedding), but we stuck to it. You have to know your kid and trust, at some point, that your kid will make wise choices without anyone making them make those choices.

 

I don't recall professors being anti-Christian. Maybe I didn't notice? Or maybe I didn't take a lot of classes that involved topics where an anti-Christian bias might come up? But again, I was secure in my faith, and I knew enough to know that not everyone agrees with me. And, there was a large Christian group presence on campus; they're just big enough that you can be whatever you want, and people tended not to hassle you much if you didn't hassle them, and I'm guessing that a lot of schools will be similar.

 

The drinking thing -- yeah, that's a concern. I have never been into alcohol much, and I'd seen a handful of bad outcomes in high school from other kids drinking, so I think I'd have stayed away from it anyway. But it probably helped that I chose a dorm away from the known party section of campus. Any kids drinking in my dorm were quiet and discreet, more of the "couple of 21+ kids getting a six pack of good beer while watching movies in a room" sort than "plastic cups and cheap beer all up and down the hall" sort, I think. Or maybe that was just my boyfriend and his friends? They were allowed to drink if I was in the room (I think there was some rule about one open drink per legal drinker), but they were responsible about it.

 

I think that's what I'd want to know for my kids. Are there places on campus to live where a party culture isn't being thrown in their faces constantly? And is there whatever support a struggling kid might need, like a good campus ministry, a small program with a caring advisor, or an honors program, or something? I would trust a kid to stand up to temptation, but I'd also like to know that if they felt down, for any reason, there would be appropriate support available, rather than coping in less desirable ways.

[J-rap]

I think it depends.

 

My oldest went to school in NYC, and chose to live in a boarding house (mostly with adult professionals) rather than the dorm because it was cheaper.  He was really, really glad he did.  Even though he had been around the world on his own, I think he still found the secular school environment a bit wearing.  It was an art environment on top of that, which adds a whole different dimension.  Not that he expected it to be too much different, but he did expect to find at least one or two like-minded individuals, and he didn't.  It was a small school, and I think he felt lonesome at times.

 

My next one down is married and has lived in an apt. on her own or with her husband the whole time, so she never experienced dorm life even though her school is secular.  (The school actually has no dorms -- it is in a different country.  But she has met some great friends in school as well.)

 

My next one attended a Catholic all-girls university, and it had a very clean, safe atmosphere.

 

My last one attended a very small liberal arts secular school for one year.  I think that was a mistake.  Not because she got mixed up in anything bad, but because she felt lonely.  She did make some great friends, but she wished she had one friend who shared her faith.  I think a large secular school would be completely different, because there's a far more likely chance of meeting at least a few like-minded individuals.  In a small school, it is less likely.  She is planning to transfer schools.

 

So to sum it up, in my kids' experiences, it wasn't that they got drawn into the partying, etc., aspect at all.  They were just a little lonely.

 

I think the small, secular college is different than the real world.  In the real world, it's mixed.  The smaller private colleges in our state are very split between being Christian and secular, so most Christian students attend the Christian ones and most secular students attend the secular ones.  On the other hand, the bigger universities attract everyone.

 

My views are in no way meant to bash the "secular" views.  My kids did not have bad experiences due to their schools being secular.  But they did feel a little lonely at times.

 

 

[Kareni]

And for some perspective ~

 

I attended a Southern Baptist University as an undergraduate though I did not belong to any organized religion.  It was a dry campus though dancing was permitted. 

 

There was a big drinking population on campus.

Two of my best friends there were gay; they are still good friends.

Drugs were quite available.

 

All this to say that conservative universities may not be as conservative as one might think.

 

Regards,

Kareni

[Love_to_Read]

I think in some ways, the secular colleges can be safer in that risky behaviors are out in the open, personal choices. My roommate the first semester drank like a fish and frequently brought her boyfriend back to the room...and let's just say that occasionally overhearing them behind the room divider did not increase my respect for her whatsoever nor tempt me to experiment in a similar manner. It was disgustingly disrespectful that she didn't make sure I wasn't in the room (I think she might have been too drunk to remember to check). But at least she was home, and not trying to sneak around outside or something at a religious campus with a curfew and a ban against visitors.  If things had gone horribly awry, if some guy she brought home had turned violent, she would have had the right to report it to the RA, dorm security, or the campus police and enlist their protection against ever seeing him again. Her boyfriend(s) seemed to be normal, nonviolent, nothing bad happened that I know of, and I know that there were unreported incidents of date rape at our secular campus amongst other students, but just saying, if we examine the hypothetical situation of what all could go wrong on a casual drunk date, at a religious campus where the girl would likely be expelled for breaking curfew in the first place...I feel like that's a more dangerous set up where a predatory date might feel that much more invincible against getting caught and prosecuted, because the girl has a vested interest in not reporting anything to the authorities.

 

The vast majority of my friends were not into partying and casual sex at all...we went to an academically challenging institution, and most of us actually studied hard, got involved in wholesome activities, went to a campus youth group or local church if Christian, etc.  But we had to seek that fellowship.  It meant something to us.  I grew a ton in my faith by seeing the faith of others who actively sought to include God in their life at a secular college.

 

On a religious campus where chapel attendance is forced...I think people can take it for granted. Or actively rebel against it.  My friends who went to the strictest religious campuses were often the ones who rebelled the hardest.  Many students who go to religious colleges have been placed there by their parents, not allowed to attend a secular college.  That doesn't guarantee that the students themselves are Christian...just that their parents think they are, or wish they were. Some of my Christian friends who chose such places felt very alone, ironically.

 

At my secular campus, there was nothing to rebel against. Keeping my faith was a personal choice, and that's the stage that college students are at.  I met people who were deeply devout, I met atheists, I met people of other faiths, I even met some "Christian" cult members, which was a valuable lesson that has helped me screen for healthy/unhealthy churches to belong to as an adult...everything was out there in the open for me to see, so there was no desire there for me to rebel just to see what else existed.  I knew my options, and living faithfully held the most appeal. 

 

I can't guarantee that your child will choose the same, but I think that a tightly controlled environment sometimes pushes kids away simply because it goes against their developmental stage of needing to choose for themselves.

[Aretemama]

I'd just like to add that being at a Christian university is absolutely no guarantee of a safe or spiritually uplifting environment. DD#2  went to a small Christian university and it was so bad (drinking/sex) that her roommate moved back home the first week! DD stayed, but was exposed to everything that she would have at a public school. By the end of the semester she was exposed to more than I had been by twice her age, but it was all by others who called themselves Christian. I agree with others who say that each child is going to choose their own path no matter if they are at a secular or faith based school.

[Bristayl]

Thank you all for your thoughtful responses.

[Love_to_Read]

To better address your original question of how I dealt with the stuff around me...I joined a youth group (Intervarsity, Campus Crusade, etc., I went to both and then picked the most convenient one) where I attended bible study and a prayer group, I joined some other activities based on common interests, I formed some study groups with other people in my major.  My inconsiderate roommate wasn't actually home all that much, and common etiquette even amongst those who were having guys over was to give your roommate a heads up...I probably spent some extra time hanging out with friends or in the computer lab or library by clearing out as soon as I saw her in the building, lol, but seriously...she wasn't a homebody, so I mostly had the room to myself.  And we both requested different roommates the following semester.

 

Religion really wasn't a topic of contention amongst my professors. I had one who seemed biased, but I just wrote my papers on neutral topics for the most part.  I did know a few biology majors who were "forced" so to speak to write about how one class of animals evolved into another. So, they wrote their papers with "evolutionary theory states that..." and would then go on to draw the comparisons and contrasts their professors were looking for.  God did create similarities between various types of animals. Think of it like an artist, a potter who might make an entire series of similar pottery each with a new innovation in design for aesthetics or practicality.  There is no need for Him to have started over from scratch for each, and the infinite variety is even all the more amazing. The fact that science tries to categorize life from simplest to complex is to be expected. How else could we keep track of so much?  You don't have to believe in the same root causes in order to learn the theories...you can still learn an incredible amount of detail from a non-Christian biology professor while personally believing that it was all intelligently designed.

 

Nobody ever pressured me to drink or anything either.  I got invited to a couple parties where drinking occurred...cast party for a play, non-office-sponsored Christmas party amongst co-workers at my summer job...everyone respected my decision to have a soda. I stayed as long as I could stand it to be polite, left if I smelled anything airborne.  Honestly, observing a bunch of drunk people while sober isn't all that entertaining.  I usually enjoyed the beginning when people could still carry on a conversation that made sense, and left soon thereafter.  Again, similar to seeing my roommate's idea of dating...it didn't persuade me to experiment. Quite the opposite.  Most of my good friends spent most of their time engaging in activities where I felt more comfortable.

[Bootsie]

Some of the statistics regarding people "losing their faith" at college has more to do with the age of the individuals than being at college.  For many, it is a time of deciding what they believe and owning it rather than simply believing what their parents have believed.  

 

Having taught at both religiously affiliated and secular universities for the past 30 years, there are real issues regarding what students will face on campuses. I think it is important to separate out concerns.  At almost any school, a student will have beliefs challenged and will have temptations. Even if your child is going to a Christian school, it is important to talk to them about how they will choose to respond to this.  I think it is more important to consider schools that will be a good match for a student academically and personality-wise rather than one that will be free of temptations and challenges.  When DD was visiting colleges, a professor at one of her top choices challenged her not to choose a school that felt too comfortable, familiar, and at home--where she was going to agree with everything.  He wanted her to feel safe and respected, but realized that growth often occurs when we are pushed a bit out of our comfort zone.  I think it was great advice.

 

 

[Bootsie]

When I was teaching at a religiously-affiliated university, I was going to lead a study abroad program.  One father was refusing to let his daughter go on the trip when he realized that male and female students would be staying in the same building during the trip (a European hotel/dorm arrangement).  He decided to let her go when he found out that a priest was going with the group.  Somehow he expected that a priest who was teaching a philosophy course would keep his 21-year old daughter out of trouble.   I have never received such a lecture from a parent of how holy and moral the family was, etc....

 

The irony:  A few weeks later it is all over the local news that the FBI is looking for the father who has been involved in some major fraud and money laundering schemes.  Turns out that the family had scammed the family's of several other students at the university.  The student ended up not being able to go on the trip because she couldn't show up at the airport and travel internationally without the FBI finding the family. He was eventually prosecuted and found guilty.

[Bristayl]

Thank you both for the examples.

[Catherine]

I think that this problem (loss of faith at college) really is a subset of a larger issue: kids who are greatly influenced by peers.  I can say with pride that at least one, now I think two and even possibly all three of my kids have avoided this.  It has more to do with who they are as people than the campus, IMO.  I have an abstinent young adult and I also have some fears of bad genes in this regard, and I am grateful for his abstinence, but I don't think I can honestly take complete credit for it, certainly not in fact as his brother is NOT abstinent.  LOL.  But even the brother is sensible at least and has his priorities.

 

 IMO, kids leave home with their characters pretty formed and this will then be played out in a different environment, where self-control and achievement are not always celebrated.   If you want your child to hold onto his or her character once departed from home, or at least, hold onto the positive parts, it's important to cultivate maturity, rather than fear of people who are different.  NOT so easy.  And maturity has its downsides, because as I've learned, with it comes not only reluctance to be a follower of peers, but a reluctance to be a follower of parents.  

[Scarlett]

Not to derail, but I don't understand the bolded comment. Institutions either have a live on campus requirement or they don't, or they have some requirements but make some exceptions (typically for those who live with their parents within a certain distance). I've never heard of any college or university that pushed particular students to live on campus due to their level of smarts.

 

Usually if you poke around on a school's website you can find their housing requirements and exceptions.

Sorry I wasn't very clear. I meant pressure from his high school. (Virtual public charter)

[Only me]

My daughter goes to a secular school. She found a christiian Sorority (social one, not one with a house). She is very involved with it but is also involved with other clubs. Sure there is a lot of stuff going on around campus that she doesnt agree with but she has done well making friends who are like her. She also has friends with different values but they respect each other's values and get along fine.

[fairfarmhand]

My dh went to a secular school and never partied at all.

 

It helped that he had a friend or two  that he already knew from high school.

 

It helped that he is very confident in who he is.

 

Honestly, if she is secure in her logic as to why she doesn't want to be a part of that, she will probably be fine. People may offer, she may say "no thanks." and likely leave it at that.

 

Here's a hint though we've found very useful. At a party, get a Coke in your hand. That keeps people from continually offering us alcoholic drinks.

 

She also needs to be aware of party safety, like never leaving her drink unattended and not accepting beverages from people she does not know well and trust. An unopened can of Coke, yes, but not a cup/glass of a drink. Even if she doesn't anticipate being at many parties, it's still something she needs to know about,.

[fairfarmhand]

 

 

 IMO, kids leave home with their characters pretty formed and this will then be played out in a different environment, where self-control and achievement are not always celebrated.   If you want your child to hold onto his or her character once departed from home, or at least, hold onto the positive parts, it's important to cultivate maturity, rather than fear of people who are different.  NOT so easy.  And maturity has its downsides, because as I've learned, with it comes not only reluctance to be a follower of peers, but a reluctance to be a follower of parents.  

 

This is it!

[mamaraby]

I think that this problem (loss of faith at college) really is a subset of a larger issue: kids who are greatly influenced by peers.

Except not because then all anyone has to do is only go to a Christian college because then they'll be surrounded by the right kind of "peer influence" and bingo! Problem solved.

 

Sorry, but people change their minds about a lot of things including their belief or disbelief in any number of gods. They do so for lots of reasons, some of which may involve other believers or non-believers, and many that do not.

 

Faith and belief are highly personal things. At some point, the once child, now adult will have to come to a place where their belief (or lack there of) in God is something they themselves really and truly own and maintain for their own reasons. No amount of peer pressure, parent pressure, or otherwise is going to change that. You can pretend to do lots of things for other people. You can attend church and profess faith in God for your parents, or that cute guy, or your friends, but ultimately you either have that faith or you don't and at some point the cognitive dissonance will become strong enough that you will have to be true to your own personal belief.

 

Regardless of whatever else you might hope for, faith is something they'll choose or not for reasons entirely their own. Otherwise, it's just that thing they do/believe cuz that's how they were raised. Isn't the point supposed to be more than that?

 

I'll repeat it because it bears repeating - "Secular" college will not make your child an atheist. Christian college will not keep them Christian. It's a great deal more complicated than that.

[Harriet Vane]

Both my husband and I attended a large, flagship, secular state university.

 

I lived in the dorms for three years, after which I shared an apartment with four other girls for a year.

 

Dh lived in the dorm for one semester, after which he moved into a fraternity house.

 

We both started college with a strong, personal faith. It was important to both of us to maintain our individual faith and, as part of that, to not get drunk or high or sleep around.

 

It was totally do-able.

 

For the most part, our peers respected our wishes. I had many friends in the dorms and in classes, and so did dh. Neither of us was really pressured to drink, even at dh's fraternity. We were both offered drinks, but not pressured.

 

I had more than one rabid, anti-Christian graduate teaching assistant. I never had a problem with a professor, though I had friends who did have some difficulties with one notorious professor. Two of the TAs I dealt with simply ranted their personal philosophies about Christianity in class. I didn't engage either one very much, usually because I saw their ranting as not the point of the literature class. Typically I could more successfully argue about the literature itself rather than the teacher's personal religious bias. (I was an English and Rhetoric major.) One teaching assistant actually made fun of me IN CLASS. I was embarrassed and angry with her, but it only happened a handful of times. Despite this, I still earned an A in each of these classes, so it didn't impact my life much.

 

The key, for my dh and I both, was involvement in a campus Christian group. Having support for our beliefs and our lifestyles based on those beliefs was essential. It was a good balance--being fully functional and engaged in "normal" campus life but also having support for our faith.

 

My own dd is leaning towards a large, secular university. We asked her to evaluate both private and secular colleges. At the private colleges, our question has been to ask how she will stay engaged with the world, how she will avoid settling comfortably into a cloistered niche. With the secular colleges, our question has been where would she find support for her faith. When we visited the secular campuses, we got in touch with an IVCF staff worker at each one to talk about resources available for Christian students. The university dd is leaning towards has a thriving Christian community, with several active Christian groups, so there is a reasonable chance she will have the support she needs.

 

Edited to add one more thought--Sometimes students lose faith in Christian colleges too. I personally know someone who did. It is also a reality that not everyone who attends a Christian college actually believes in the core tenets of Christianity. There are no guarantees. It's best to approach the process with prayer, asking God to lead to the right place for your beloved college kid to thrive.

[Bristayl]

Thank you, everyone.