Beaniemom Posted February 28, 2015 Share Posted February 28, 2015 My dd turns 5 next Wed. I was discussing what we should get her (we generally only do small gifts since birthdays in our family fall around 2 months of Christmas) and my dh says "well my mom is sending money for dance class and my aunt is sending ballet clothes and shoes." Now at one point I had mentioned I might search the local rec classes for something dd would be interested in but there was nothing really so I didn't mention it again. Now I have a 5 y/o who is getting ballet clothes and being my no means oblivious she will be expecting to have dance class. Now I have to scramble to find a class for her to take. Argh! My MIL frequently sends physical gifts (often over the top) to my oldest dd and then just sends checks for ds and younger dd. Drives me crazy! The younger ones are the ones who understand the actual physical better while the older dd would appreciate money to use for her hobbies. My dh seems oblivious to the problem and seemed annoyed when I told him my search did not find any classes for dd, like I was supposed to know about MIL and aunt's gifts and planned accordingly when he never told me about them! Further searches found 1 and only 1 class that she could do and it begins in 1 month and registration doesn't open for 10 days. Hopefully it won't fill up quickly. I just don't like being put in a position to cover for other people's gift decisions when they could have called me to ask what dd wanted. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NorthwestMom Posted February 28, 2015 Share Posted February 28, 2015 My inlaws are weird gifters. I feel your pain. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chiguirre Posted February 28, 2015 Share Posted February 28, 2015 If the class falls through, get her an Angelina Ballerina video/book/doll set and tell her the clothes are her Angelina costume. Then get your dh to tell his mom that there were NO classes available and you had to scramble to save the day. Maybe she'll take the hint. Probably not. 17 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted February 28, 2015 Share Posted February 28, 2015 I would have loved gifts like that for my kids. Money has always been tight and so we didn't get to do a lot of extras. 16 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Storygirl Posted February 28, 2015 Share Posted February 28, 2015 Can you thank your MIL for the money but explain that you couldn't find a dance class and will apply it toward (fill in the blank) instead? You shouldn't sign up for a class just because she wants to pay for one. Do it for your daughter if you want, but not for your MIL. Perhaps you can return the ballet clothes or perhaps alert the aunt that another gift would be better before she purchases anything. How will she know what size or style shoes to buy, by the way? Many dance studios have specific requirements about this kind of thing. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
katilac Posted February 28, 2015 Share Posted February 28, 2015 If the class falls through, get her an Angelina Ballerina video/book/doll set and tell her the clothes are her Angelina costume. Then get your dh to tell his mom that there were NO classes available and you had to scramble to save the day. Maybe she'll take the hint. Probably not. There are actual 'lesson style' DVDs as well. My girls had one that came packaged with a pink plastic barre. I don't know how much it taught them, but it was stinking cute and they watched and practiced with it for a good while. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tsuga Posted February 28, 2015 Share Posted February 28, 2015 Oh, that's a tough one. You have to appreciate such thoughtful and generous gifts but that's a lot for you to take care of. I would let MIL know that while DD was interested, there are limited options so what does she prefer you do with the check if DD can't get in? A different class? At 5 there should not be strict requirements for rec center class dress. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Slache Posted February 28, 2015 Share Posted February 28, 2015 There are actual 'lesson style' DVDs as well. My girls had one that came packaged with a pink plastic barre. I don't know how much it taught them, but it was stinking cute and they watched and practiced with it for a good while. I big puffy pink heart that idea! And I've got a girly girl. This is so going on the Christmas list. -------------------------------------------- OP I really get it. We have the opposite problem. She buys total garbage and only things they won't want. She doesn't listen to me. It sucks. Hugs. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kerileanne99 Posted February 28, 2015 Share Posted February 28, 2015 My mother did something similar for my dd5 with ballet! We just could NOT fit it into Alex's schedule at the time. I found a really cute DVD on Amazon that actually has little girls learning the names of ballet dance moves and dancing (and tap, jazz, etc). It is adorable. I bought it along with the original Angelina Ballerina books and 4 gorgeous James Mayhew books about a little girl called Ella who is transported into the Nutcracker, Swan Lake, Cinderella, etc., with a Magic music box. I then told her we could sign up for a ballet class when it was possible. It ended up being a 'princess' ballet camp for Spring Break. Some of the local studios do week-long little camps for the kids with a princess theme. If you don't want to or cannot commit to a class, you might check and see if this is an option for SB or summer. This is the video: http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B00008QSAZ/ref=mp_s_a_1_55?qid=1425101386&sr=8-55&pi=AC_SX110_SY165_QL70&keywords=ballet+videos Oh! ETA: we also purchased a wooden closet clothes bar with the metal supports from HOme Depot and put it in the wall in her room. It is a perfect 'barre' for her to use as she watches the DVD lessons...one of the local studios uses the same thing for the little girls to practice in as they wait for their classes:) 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Beaniemom Posted February 28, 2015 Author Share Posted February 28, 2015 Thanks for the DVD ideas. That sounds like fun even if the class does work out. Iwill keep that in mind. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kroe1 Posted February 28, 2015 Share Posted February 28, 2015 Coming from someone who spends about $13,000 a year for dance, I would be extremely grateful if someone wanted to help pay for it. Getting a kiddo back and forth from a dance lesson might be too much work for you, though, with your other obligations. Is that it? Otherwise, I think many of us would kill for a mother-in-law and aunt like yours. Good for them for helping your DD get a new activity. Perhaps this one will be her passion. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kiwik Posted February 28, 2015 Share Posted February 28, 2015 Coming from someone who spends about $13,000 a year for dance, I would be extremely grateful if someone wanted to help pay for it. Getting a kiddo back and forth from a dance lesson might be too much work for you, though, with your other obligations. Is that it? Otherwise, I think many of us would kill for a mother-in-law and aunt like yours. Good for them for helping your DD get a new activity. Perhaps this one will be her passion. I don't think the OP objects to payment for an extra curricular as a gift - just the lack of consultation and advance warning. OP if she is giving money just save it until a suitable opportunity comes up. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Night Elf Posted February 28, 2015 Share Posted February 28, 2015 Do you have any idea how much money she is actually sending? I mean, what if it's like $50 or something, and ballet classes cost more? You'll be expected to pay for the rest. Are you ready to make a commitment like that? And what if the clothes the aunt sends are not really appropriate for a class? LIke if she sends a pink tutu and the class wears leotards only? I'm a pessimist and I just see this getting out of hand. It would have been totally different if I had already made the decision to do a class and was asking for help to make it happen. But I don't like the idea of being forced into it. Good luck! 9 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Word Nerd Posted February 28, 2015 Share Posted February 28, 2015 Did she discuss the idea with DH and get the go-ahead from him? His reaction to your reaction makes me wonder. In any case, the idea didn't come totally out of left field because you said you have considered it before. I think it's a nice idea, and I hope it doesn't cause too much stress to either find a class or have DH work something else out with his mom and aunt. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SKL Posted February 28, 2015 Share Posted February 28, 2015 Gifts from extended family used to give me so much grief. I finally started sending people a list, well in advance, of what my kids like and need (and what I was already getting them, so they wouldn't get duplicates). I figured, if it offends people and they don't buy anything, so much the better. :p Good luck getting your daughter into dance class. I'm sure she will like it. If you can't find one, there are some nice videos for her age, so she can dress up and play around at home. I believe the one I had was called "baby ballet" (though it was not for babies, it would be great for 5yos). It had 3 parts - ballet, tap, and jazz. We liked the ballet part best. ETA they changed the name it seems: http://smile.amazon.com/Dancing-Kids-Baby-Ballet-Junior/dp/B00008QSAZ/ref=pd_bxgy_mov_img_z Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ellie Posted February 28, 2015 Share Posted February 28, 2015 If the class falls through, get her an Angelina Ballerina video/book/doll set and tell her the clothes are her Angelina costume. Then get your dh to tell his mom that there were NO classes available and you had to scramble to save the day. Maybe she'll take the hint. Probably not. :iagree: :iagree: :iagree: 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JFSinIL Posted February 28, 2015 Share Posted February 28, 2015 Hey, at least she tried, really tried, to come up with a gift that she thought the child would enjoy. Thank her profusely, but note the lack of such a class (and/or your time to commit) and ask if maybe she'd like to treat the kids to a live performance as a b'day treat? My in-laws several years in a row got tickets to a live theatrical performance, usually musical and kid-friendly, at the college near their home. Hubby and I were not invited, as once we dropped our our four kids with the grandfolks we had an afternoon free for a date! The kids still talk sometimes about those afternoons spent with the now deceased grandfolks. Maybe you could steer the in-laws into doing this kind of gift for the kids. Maybe once or so a year as a group b'day gift. Sounds like Grandma would rather not just buy the kids more "stuff" anyway. Just a thought. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Beaniemom Posted February 28, 2015 Author Share Posted February 28, 2015 I don't think the OP objects to payment for an extra curricular as a gift - just the lack of consultation and advance warning. OP if she is giving money just save it until a suitable opportunity comes up. You are right....I don't want to give the idea I'm not grateful that my MIL is in a position to give money toward things like this, just the manner in which she has done it. We live across the country from all family and are only going to be in our current location for 18 months (6 or which have passed). This plus additional financial pressures from moving and a high cost of living area has made joining things like dance problematic since we cannot commit to anything long term. That is why I told my husband initially I would look into a community rec class for dd. She had seen her siblings do things like Tae Kwon Do and sees her friends have classes after pre-school and has been asking for something for her. Unfortunately there is a lack of offerings for her age group. It was a rather off hand one time mention that I wasn't even sure he really listened to so I was just shocked when he acted like it was a done deal yesterday. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HS Mom in NC Posted February 28, 2015 Share Posted February 28, 2015 OP, it’s obnoxious for them not to consult with you first in detail for all the reasons you stated. When my in-laws asked if I "might be interested in cooking lessons for oldest" and I said, "That sounds nice." For the record, that's not enough specific information on either side of that conversation to commit to anything. It's not approval. People who are confused about what everyone is upset about need to understand that liking the general idea of taking a class is not the same as weighing if a specific class is the right fit and then deciding to get it as a gift for a child. Not the same at all. "Might be interested" means giving approval to look into the details (schedule, location) and weighing it against what was already going on in our lives and seeing if we could fit it in without it being oppressive. They don't understand that. They bought and gave the gift certificate without looking into the details and running the specifics past me. I had no idea it would mean there would only be two scheduled options that both conflicted with what we already had going on and I would have to find out at literally what minute the new classes became available online so I could try to click on signing up for one before they were full literally minutes later. The classes were full and continued to fill up immediately after being posted and that was that. I wasn't going to upend my life because they failed to do their homework and get approval. Sorry. Oldest didn't take the class. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tsuga Posted February 28, 2015 Share Posted February 28, 2015 When my in-laws asked if I "might be interested in cooking lessons for oldest" and I said, "That sounds nice." For the record, that's not enough specific information on either side of that conversation to commit to anything. It's not approval. People who are confused about what everyone is upset about need to understand that liking the general idea of taking a class is not the same as weighing if a specific class is the right fit and then deciding to get it as a gift for a child. Not the same at all. "Might be interested" means giving approval to look into the details (schedule, location) and weighing it against what was already going on in our lives and seeing if we could fit it in without it being oppressive. They don't understand that. They bought and gave the gift certificate without looking into the details and running the specifics past me. I had no idea it would mean there would only be two scheduled options that both conflicted with what we already had going on and I would have to find out at literally what minute the new classes became available online so I could try to click on signing up for one before they were full literally minutes later. The classes were full and continued to fill up immediately after being posted and that was that. I wasn't going to upend my life because they failed to do their homework and get approval. Sorry. Oldest didn't take the class. For us that would be enough. We don't worry about the right fit for a five-year-old. Everyone does one or more activities, plus work and school. Everyone gets the same amount, too, so there's no question of one person's activities being oppressive. That's not fair to that one child. The whole schedule could be oppressive but putting it on the straw that broke the camel's back--I don't think that is fair to put on MIL. And if they don't take the class, so what? If it's a gift, "So sorry, the classes fill up literally within minutes and the kids weren't ready--we will try again next quarter." They might offer to help sign up. They might not. If they are rude about it, oh well--their problem, they did their best, you did yours. I get the inconvenience and the immediate, "Oh lord, now I have to do something." But then move on to positivity and gratefulness, you know? It's a free class. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Word Nerd Posted February 28, 2015 Share Posted February 28, 2015 OP, it’s obnoxious for them not to consult with you first in detail for all the reasons you stated. Her DH's mother got the idea from him and has discussed it with him. The OP is not the only parent here, so I'm not getting how her MIL is being obnoxious. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HS Mom in NC Posted February 28, 2015 Share Posted February 28, 2015 Her DH's mother got the idea from him and has discussed it with him. The OP is not the only parent here, so I'm not getting how her MIL is being obnoxious. It's rare that the husband is the one handling all the practical details of deciding if it fits with the schedule, the actual driving back and forth; getting the kid ready for class every time; dealing with the teachers, other parents and other students; preparing for recitals; adjusting meal times to scheduled activities; adjusting younger children's naptimes and other activities; etc. Usually that falls on the mom, so the mom should be the one she discusses it with and gets permission to do it from. Based on her other posts, it was the mom who was searching for the classes, not dad. So, yeah. It was obnoxious. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HS Mom in NC Posted February 28, 2015 Share Posted February 28, 2015 For us that would be enough. We don't worry about the right fit for a five-year-old. Everyone does one or more activities, plus work and school. Everyone gets the same amount, too, so there's no question of one person's activities being oppressive. That's not fair to that one child. The whole schedule could be oppressive but putting it on the straw that broke the camel's back--I don't think that is fair to put on MIL. And if they don't take the class, so what? If it's a gift, "So sorry, the classes fill up literally within minutes and the kids weren't ready--we will try again next quarter." They might offer to help sign up. They might not. If they are rude about it, oh well--their problem, they did their best, you did yours. I get the inconvenience and the immediate, "Oh lord, now I have to do something." But then move on to positivity and gratefulness, you know? It's a free class. They already knew we had: Church small group 1 night a week 3 piano lessons 1 day a week PE 1 day a week art class 1 day a week archery practice 2 times a week Anyone with a schedule that full needs to be consulted and actual knowledge of days and times needs to happen before the money is spent. I'm not upset about them not taking the class other than her disappointment about knowing she got it as a gift but then it didn't work out, but I also have the passive-aggressive-martyr-syndrome MIL who tells every single relative and all her church friends about how we didn't "let the kid take the class she paid for." Do you have a MIL who isn't a royal pain in the neck about things that don't exactly the way she envisioned them? I hope so. If you do, you're lucky. What's that like? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trilliums Posted March 1, 2015 Share Posted March 1, 2015 I am sorry; I know this is a vent. But honestly I envy you having in laws who care enough to bother sending any kind of gift. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Word Nerd Posted March 1, 2015 Share Posted March 1, 2015 It's rare that the husband is the one handling all the practical details of deciding if it fits with the schedule, the actual driving back and forth; getting the kid ready for class every time; dealing with the teachers, other parents and other students; preparing for recitals; adjusting meal times to scheduled activities; adjusting younger children's naptimes and other activities; etc. Usually that falls on the mom, so the mom should be the one she discusses it with and gets permission to do it from. Based on her other posts, it was the mom who was searching for the classes, not dad. So, yeah. It was obnoxious. I think it would be completely unreasonable if my DH or my MIL needed my permission to implement an idea I previously mentioned. It's not like she decided to give skydiving lessons or buy the girl a revolver. If it's really such a headache, I'd say, "OK, DH, find a class that will work for her." 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Penelope Posted March 1, 2015 Share Posted March 1, 2015 It's rare that the husband is the one handling all the practical details of deciding if it fits with the schedule, the actual driving back and forth; getting the kid ready for class every time; dealing with the teachers, other parents and other students; preparing for recitals; adjusting meal times to scheduled activities; adjusting younger children's naptimes and other activities; etc. Usually that falls on the mom, so the mom should be the one she discusses it with and gets permission to do it from. Based on her other posts, it was the mom who was searching for the classes, not dad. So, yeah. It was obnoxious. Maybe, but what about the DH? It is the DH's responsibility to say, "Mom, that sounds like a possibility, but you need to talk to my wife before purchasing that, since she's the one who organizes the children's schedules." 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zoobie Posted March 1, 2015 Share Posted March 1, 2015 The OP said it was a vent. A gift making her life more stressful is vent-worthy. She's not setting the check on fire over the Thanksgiving turkey or anything! ;) Maybe just something to keep in mind when we are grandmothers--double check that your "helpful" gift is actually helpful, and don't send a check for ballet if the child would rather take snake charming. Also, activities often require specific gear, and the parents may already have purchased it. Our ballet studios had uniforms even for the littlest ones. But extra tutus can always be dress up attire instead. :) 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SparklyUnicorn Posted March 1, 2015 Share Posted March 1, 2015 It stinks when a gift becomes work for you. BTDT. I think this sounds great, but I get it. It adds work and pressure for you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SparklyUnicorn Posted March 1, 2015 Share Posted March 1, 2015 I am sorry; I know this is a vent. But honestly I envy you having in laws who care enough to bother sending any kind of gift. I get that, but nothing with strings attached is a true gift. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tsuga Posted March 1, 2015 Share Posted March 1, 2015 Do you have a MIL who isn't a royal pain in the neck about things that don't exactly the way she envisioned them? I hope so. If you do, you're lucky. What's that like? She didn't say her MIL was a royal pain in the neck when she didn't get what she wanted, though. I would empathize with that. "She bought my X and freaked out when we couldn't use it as Y." Okay, I get that, I'd be pissed too. You can't control a gift. I also said that I do understand that it's a PITB when you have to to work with a gift. But again, it's a gift. I don't think it's a fair assumption to just read into the post, "MIL is probably also really controlling and judgmental." That's my only objection. Not to the vent in general. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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