happyWImom Posted January 14, 2015 Share Posted January 14, 2015 My dd is having a friend overnight and the question is, how do I delicately suggest she not be on her Ipod while she is here? I don't see any way to really do this without offending, but my dd has told me that the last time she stayed over at her friend's, she was on it a lot, sending messages to her friends, etc... My dd doesn't have one, so it isn't something they can "do together", and the girls the friend is messaging & Facetiming with, aren't friends of my dd. So, I know I'm in the minority here, but I consider it rude for anyone to bring their device to a sleepover or use it while they are supposed to be entertaining a friend they have over. Isn't the point to be spending time with the one you're with?? I am friends with the mom, any she talks to her daughter while she is here, so the issue isn't that she needs it to contact home. Advice? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SproutMamaK Posted January 14, 2015 Share Posted January 14, 2015 Can you say it's your house rules? "Sorry, house rules, no electronics in bedrooms!" or "Nothing after 9pm!" etc. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
trulycrabby Posted January 14, 2015 Share Posted January 14, 2015 Turn off the wireless router? :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lucy the Valiant Posted January 14, 2015 Share Posted January 14, 2015 My router would "not be working tonight." :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted January 14, 2015 Share Posted January 14, 2015 it is plain rude. if she's not satisfied socializing with your dd, maybe it's time for her to go home so she can socialize on her phone without interruption. and I would put it in those terms. or talk to the mom about not allowing her to bring it. a router would only affect a device dependent upon wi-fi. but unless you have a wif-fi that doesn't require a password, she would't be able to use it anyway. most data phones have a data plan and don't need wifi. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lucy the Valiant Posted January 14, 2015 Share Posted January 14, 2015 ^ That is true. We have 1 little friend w/a phone & ipod, and my children don't have one, so we have come to the good compromise that she can play with it for ____ minutes (usually 30 here - my girls play games with her on it), and then it goes in a special spot next to the house phone, where she can get it when she leaves. This particular girl totally accepts and understands that, and knows that she is here to play w/my kids, not on her device - if I thought she would put up a fuss, I would maybe have to re-think how I explained things to her. Would your young guest be open to a gentle explanation & then confiscation of the phone? Some times kids are surprised that there are things out there that are MORE fun than their devices. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marbel Posted January 14, 2015 Share Posted January 14, 2015 What does your daughter think, or what would she like done about it? I think at age 12 (if I read your sig right) the girls might be able to deal with it on their own. Your daughter could ask her friend to put her ipod away or ask her if she'd rather go home. I think my daughter was about the same age, maybe a year older, when she had a friend like that. She once asked the girl if she'd like me to take her home since she wasn't interested in doing anything but texting other people. The girl apologized and put the phone away after that. They didn't have the problem again, but they also didn't see each other as much after that. It didn't destroy the friendship, but it did cool it a bit. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MeAndTheBoys Posted January 14, 2015 Share Posted January 14, 2015 I love the idea of turning your router off. Or not giving her the password to start with-- I think it's okay to have a "put electronics to bed" time and have them put them downstairs--- Yes, it's awkward, but it's your house-- B Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harriet Vane Posted January 14, 2015 Share Posted January 14, 2015 I have been fearless and direct about talking to kids and teens about using their devices. I always talk about it casually and with a smile, but I am very direct. I have never, ever had a teen or kid take it badly. In fact, they are usually sheepish and apologetic and willingly put the device away. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chocolatechip Posted January 14, 2015 Share Posted January 14, 2015 Change the password to your wifi. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tess in the Burbs Posted January 14, 2015 Share Posted January 14, 2015 I had to kick several girls off a few years ago for a large sleepover. Next time they brought more so everyone could have one lol!!! It is part of the culture for the age. I told them only the last hour before bed and they respected me about that. Be light hearted, offer a fun thing instead, but let electronics be part of the evening as well. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
happyWImom Posted January 14, 2015 Author Share Posted January 14, 2015 I like the "no devices in the bedroom" or after a certain time idea. That way, I don't have to be confrontational. Although, I guess it still could be. I'm wondering if I should tell her mom about our rules ahead of time so that she can go over it with her. Except then she might say she doesn't want to sleep over. Honestly, I think these kids are addicted! The girl/friend (who I've known for years) was telling me how one of her friends Facetimed her at 7am on a Saturday, and when I asked her why she didn't just turn it off before she went to sleep, she looked at me like I was crazy. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted January 14, 2015 Share Posted January 14, 2015 Since you said the mom was a friend of yours (which I'm assuming is more than just an acquaintance that you know because of your dd's friend) then I would talk to her about it. I'd just tell her in a "head's up" sort of way. That will allow her to address it with her daughter before the sleepover. It may be that the girl won't want to come over then but I think I'd rather come out ahead of time instead of at the party. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MomatHWTK Posted January 14, 2015 Share Posted January 14, 2015 If the girl won't want to come over unless she can ignore your dd, then why would you still want her to come over? Since your DD has already mentioned that she has a problem with the other girl's behavior, I think you should take this as an opportunity to help guide her through the conflict resolution. Ask her what is most important to her in the relationship, how she would like it handled, what ideas she has for handling the issue. I would not handle it for her, but I would offer her advice on what I would do. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alessandra Posted January 14, 2015 Share Posted January 14, 2015 I might be concerned about photos at a sleep over and then post. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
happyWImom Posted January 14, 2015 Author Share Posted January 14, 2015 If the girl won't want to come over unless she can ignore your dd, then why would you still want her to come over? Since your DD has already mentioned that she has a problem with the other girl's behavior, I think you should take this as an opportunity to help guide her through the conflict resolution. Ask her what is most important to her in the relationship, how she would like it handled, what ideas she has for handling the issue. I would not handle it for her, but I would offer her advice on what I would do. Ideally, I agree with you. I do want her to start solving her own problems, but would most kids at this age be able to confront a friend like that,l even in a respectful way? Mine, at least is so worried that kids won't like her, that she'll hurt someone's feelings, etc.... Yes, we need to work on her confidence, but it is what it is. Some of it is personality. She has a strong personality with us, but with the world, not yet There are many adults that wouldn't/don't say anything in similar situations. I am not one of them; I have talked to several friends about their habits, in a joking way "Hey, remember I'm the one who made time to be with you today, stop texting so & so" or something to that effect. No one has taken offense. But, they're adults. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
happyWImom Posted January 14, 2015 Author Share Posted January 14, 2015 Since you said the mom was a friend of yours (which I'm assuming is more than just an acquaintance that you know because of your dd's friend) then I would talk to her about it. I'd just tell her in a "head's up" sort of way. That will allow her to address it with her daughter before the sleepover. It may be that the girl won't want to come over then but I think I'd rather come out ahead of time instead of at the party. After thinking about it more last night, I do think this is the best way to handle things. I thought I would say something like "Hey, I don't know if dd is planning to bring her IPOD, but I want to make sure it doesn't interfere with the fun and we do have a no electronics after 9pm policy, so you might want to let her know." Hopefully, it won't deter her from coming, but if it does, she's not the girl I thought she was. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zoobie Posted January 14, 2015 Share Posted January 14, 2015 Ideally, I agree with you. I do want her to start solving her own problems, but would most kids at this age be able to confront a friend like that,l even in a respectful way? Mine, at least is so worried that kids won't like her, that she'll hurt someone's feelings, etc.... Yes, we need to work on her confidence, but it is what it is. Some of it is personality. She has a strong personality with us, but with the world, not yet There are many adults that wouldn't/don't say anything in similar situations. I am not one of them; I have talked to several friends about their habits, in a joking way "Hey, remember I'm the one who made time to be with you today, stop texting so & so" or something to that effect. No one has taken offense. But, they're adults. At 12? Yes, I'd expect my DD to handle it on her own unless it got abusive. My oldest is 11 and I wouldn't say anything unless it were out at the table, which is a house rule. I don't remember my parents being involved at all in any friend issues by then! Our wifi is password protected and our kids don't know the password, so DD honestly could say she doesn't have it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TranquilMind Posted January 14, 2015 Share Posted January 14, 2015 My dd is having a friend overnight and the question is, how do I delicately suggest she not be on her Ipod while she is here? I don't see any way to really do this without offending, but my dd has told me that the last time she stayed over at her friend's, she was on it a lot, sending messages to her friends, etc... My dd doesn't have one, so it isn't something they can "do together", and the girls the friend is messaging & Facetiming with, aren't friends of my dd. So, I know I'm in the minority here, but I consider it rude for anyone to bring their device to a sleepover or use it while they are supposed to be entertaining a friend they have over. Isn't the point to be spending time with the one you're with?? I am friends with the mom, any she talks to her daughter while she is here, so the issue isn't that she needs it to contact home. Advice? No, it isn't just you. It is TOTALLY RUDE for someone to be on a device, ignoring the actual company she is in, absent an emergency. But adults haven't mastered that concept, and are great offenders, so perhaps she is used to this behavior. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TranquilMind Posted January 14, 2015 Share Posted January 14, 2015 it is plain rude. if she's not satisfied socializing with your dd, maybe it's time for her to go home so she can socialize on her phone without interruption. and I would put it in those terms. or talk to the mom about not allowing her to bring it. a router would only affect a device dependent upon wi-fi. but unless you have a wif-fi that doesn't require a password, she would't be able to use it anyway. most data phones have a data plan and don't need wifi. She could delicately mention it to mom asking kindly if maybe little (name) could leave her ipod home so they could do more things together instead of separately on devices, but some parents get irate if you suggest that their darling is doing something of which you do not approve, so that would be delicate. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TranquilMind Posted January 14, 2015 Share Posted January 14, 2015 If the girl won't want to come over unless she can ignore your dd, then why would you still want her to come over? Since your DD has already mentioned that she has a problem with the other girl's behavior, I think you should take this as an opportunity to help guide her through the conflict resolution. Ask her what is most important to her in the relationship, how she would like it handled, what ideas she has for handling the issue. I would not handle it for her, but I would offer her advice on what I would do. I agree if the daughters are older. I was thinking they were little, but it looks like we are talking about 12 year olds. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AndyJoy Posted January 15, 2015 Share Posted January 15, 2015 Ideally, I agree with you. I do want her to start solving her own problems, but would most kids at this age be able to confront a friend like that,l even in a respectful way? Mine, at least is so worried that kids won't like her, that she'll hurt someone's feelings, etc.... Yes, we need to work on her confidence, but it is what it is. Some of it is personality. She has a strong personality with us, but with the world, not yet There are many adults that wouldn't/don't say anything in similar situations. I am not one of them; I have talked to several friends about their habits, in a joking way "Hey, remember I'm the one who made time to be with you today, stop texting so & so" or something to that effect. No one has taken offense. But, they're adults. At 12 I'd coach her through what to say. I'd help her come up with and practice a scripted response. Some kids find it easy to speak up, but I think most could use coaching. Speaking up in situations like this is great practice for worse situations she'll find herself in as a teen/young adult! My afraid-of-offending sister has expressed many times as an adult how trapped she felt as a teen when she didn't stand up for herself or others. She wishes she'd had more help knowing what to say. She wishes now she had risked offending several "friends" because their behavior escalated over the years and she found it harder and harder to speak up as time passed and patterns were set. When I was 12 my best friend had a box of Archie comic books. I would (rudely) read one after another while hanging at her house because I was bored with her idea of playing Barbies. After a couple times she just asked me, "Hey, are you here for me or my comic books?" She was a very sweet, reserved girl and she got my attention with that and I apologized. We came up with a mutual activity (that didn't involve endless adventures of Barbies riding horses :), blech ) Just today I coached my 5-year-old in what to say to the girl who splashes him in swimming lessons. Yesterday he splashed back (happily) and the coach was unhappy with them. Today he told her, "Hey! Please don't splash me. My mommy doesnt want me to splash back." She did it once more and he said, "I can't splash back so I'm just going to ignore that." It worked and he now has a script to reuse in a similar situation. There have been several ongoing situations with peers that we've worked through similarly and it has made him more confident and empowered and less of a follower. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Reefgazer Posted January 18, 2015 Share Posted January 18, 2015 Why does your DD want to "socialize" with someone who is having an affair with her phone? Don't Have the sleepover and explain why if the other girl asks. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Murphy101 Posted January 18, 2015 Share Posted January 18, 2015 Turn off the wireless router? :) I wouldn't turn it off. I just don't give the password out to access our wifi. My own kids don't have it! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alice Posted January 18, 2015 Share Posted January 18, 2015 Is the issue that you don't want the Ipod used at all? Or is that your daughter doesn't want it used? If it's the former, than it's your house and your rules. Whether or not anyone else agrees with your rules than I think it's fine to just say, we have a "no electronics" rule or "no electronics in the bedrooms" or "not after x o'clock" or whatever your rule is. She might be offended but there are other rules I'm sure you ask kids to follow. I have boys. We allow Nerf guns indoors in our basement (and outdoors). Other friends houses, not allowed. They find something else to do when they go to those houses and they are fine with it. They don't take Nerf guns with them to play with. I know it's not exactly the same thing because it's her device but surely kids can understand that parents have rules they might not like. If it's the latter, and it's your daughter who doesn't want it, then I'd try and let her handle it. You could ask her what she wants you to do but at 12 I'd encourage her to handle it herself as much as she can. Maybe she doesn't say anything, the sleepover isn't fun and it's the last sleepover for these girls. Maybe she says something and the girl thinks she is a dork and hates her. Maybe she says something, the girl says ok and they are fine. Either way, it seems like it would be good to know if the Ipod is going to be an issue in their friendship. It seems though that as they get older you can't orchestrate their relationships. My oldest is 11. He has a friend who was a very close friend. For the past couple of years I've seen him and this boy drift apart. The boy has different priorities and is more into being cool than my son is. His Mom is a very close friend of mine and we see them often. When we see them the boys get along fine, but I've noticed that my son doesn't really ask to invite S. over anymore. I worried for awhile about trying to figure out ways to keep them close because it made me sad to see the friendship cool off ( I think mostly because I was remembering my own middle school years and friendships that died). But I realized that if they wanted to stay friends they would have to do it themselves. I think in the middle school years in particular people often start to go different ways as they grow up. Sometimes that's painful for us and for the kids but I'm not sure as parents it's good for us to try and control it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
happyWImom Posted January 21, 2015 Author Share Posted January 21, 2015 Is the issue that you don't want the Ipod used at all? Or is that your daughter doesn't want it used? If it's the former, than it's your house and your rules. Whether or not anyone else agrees with your rules than I think it's fine to just say, we have a "no electronics" rule or "no electronics in the bedrooms" or "not after x o'clock" or whatever your rule is. She might be offended but there are other rules I'm sure you ask kids to follow. I have boys. We allow Nerf guns indoors in our basement (and outdoors). Other friends houses, not allowed. They find something else to do when they go to those houses and they are fine with it. They don't take Nerf guns with them to play with. I know it's not exactly the same thing because it's her device but surely kids can understand that parents have rules they might not like. If it's the latter, and it's your daughter who doesn't want it, then I'd try and let her handle it. You could ask her what she wants you to do but at 12 I'd encourage her to handle it herself as much as she can. Maybe she doesn't say anything, the sleepover isn't fun and it's the last sleepover for these girls. Maybe she says something and the girl thinks she is a dork and hates her. Maybe she says something, the girl says ok and they are fine. Either way, it seems like it would be good to know if the Ipod is going to be an issue in their friendship. It seems though that as they get older you can't orchestrate their relationships. My oldest is 11. He has a friend who was a very close friend. For the past couple of years I've seen him and this boy drift apart. The boy has different priorities and is more into being cool than my son is. His Mom is a very close friend of mine and we see them often. When we see them the boys get along fine, but I've noticed that my son doesn't really ask to invite S. over anymore. I worried for awhile about trying to figure out ways to keep them close because it made me sad to see the friendship cool off ( I think mostly because I was remembering my own middle school years and friendships that died). But I realized that if they wanted to stay friends they would have to do it themselves. I think in the middle school years in particular people often start to go different ways as they grow up. Sometimes that's painful for us and for the kids but I'm not sure as parents it's good for us to try and control it. I don't think it would end their friendship if she said something, but I always worry. It's probably because she only has a few close friends and I know how during these middle school years, friends are becoming so important to her. I do agree, I need to let her navigate these things, though. It's so hard! I'm so used to handling everything, I forget that now I have to back off and let them start. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KungFuPanda Posted January 21, 2015 Share Posted January 21, 2015 I'd say no technology in the bedrooms or dining room, then keep the party in those rooms. She'd probably be reluctant to actually MISS anything to leave a room and use her phone. She's probably just in the habit of keeping it in her hand and checking it whenever. Maybe have a Phone Garage area where she can see everyone's phones parked and charging. Give them both some electronics time before bed so the girl can get her fix, then park the phones/games/computers/ereaders/TVs/etc for the night. Just give the girl's mom a warning that you don't allow phones in bedrooms or the dining room. That will likely prompt the mom to give her daughter the phone manners chat before she leaves home. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lucy the Valiant Posted January 21, 2015 Share Posted January 21, 2015 How did it go? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted January 22, 2015 Share Posted January 22, 2015 How did it go? I'm wondering, too. I keep checking for an update. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
happyWImom Posted January 22, 2015 Author Share Posted January 22, 2015 Well, all my worrying was for nothing! What I did was ask her mom ahead of time if she was bringing it, and she said "yes", but only to text/message her goodnight. She said she gave her dd the order not to use it for anything else during the sleepover, so it wasn't an issue! Prior to this, however, I did have a chat with my dd and told her that if her friend was using it, and if it bothered her, she should speak up and say something. I told her sometimes it's just a habit and that they are good enough friends to be able to be honest with each other. Still, it was a good lesson. Thanks for all of the advice! :001_smile: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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