How do you deal with the nagging?

[DesertBlossom]

Example #1-- DS8 wanted to buy a pair of rollerblades from a seller on craiglist. I emailed him and explained to DS we'd have to wait for a response. Every 2 minutes he's asking me to check my email. I explained that my phone would ring when I got an email, or I could see a new notification on the browser tab even though I was currently looking at a different screen. I assured him I would let him know as soon as I got a message. He.was.relentless. "How do you know he hasn't sent a message yet?" SMH.

 

Example #2-- The other day DS6 wanted to know when dad was going to be home. I explained that he is usually home by now, but it's also been really busy so it could be up to an hour. Every two minutes he was asking, flinging himself onto the floor like waiting was agony. He would not stop pestering me.

 

I felt like I adequately explained the situation in both cases. I gave them all the information I had. Unfortunately neither one of them would stop bothering me until I got mad and yelled and them not to ask me again. And I hate yelling. I always feel bad about it. But they would.not.stop.

 

What do you do? How do you curb this behavior? It seems to be happening more and more at my house.

[AK_Mom4]

Stop talking.  Seriously, just stop answering.  You are engaging them and that feeds the bad behavior.

 

Once you have explained the answer and they ask AGAIN, just stop and look at them.  I like to turn it back on them "What did I tell you the first time you asked that question?"  If they admit they didn't actually listen the first time, then I am good with explaining again.  Once.  Otherwise, simply do not answer.

 

And yes, I had two that were quite capable of badgering me to death.  Strong personalities that HATE to wait.  The only way to stop the madness was to change MY response.

[AndyJoy]

Room time! My DS5 does this and what works for us is a warning that if he asks me again he will need to distract himself from asking about it by playing in his room for x minutes. It is not a punishment, just a reset before my blood boils. Usually he becomes engrossed in something else and moves on. If it is something like a treat I said he could have after lunch, I ask him once when I said he could have it and if we have reached that time yet. I then warn him if he asks again the new answer will be no. This stops most nagging if I remember my script rather than waiting until I'm annoyed to address it!

[Joanne]

"Asked and answered" that is what I say after the first age appropriate explanation.

 

If the nagging continues, the expected and wanted result may be delayed or even eliminated - depending on age and circumstances.

[happi duck]

Two examples when DC were those ages:

Putting the car radio on became a nagging thing as soon as we entered the car. We made a rule that no one could ask before we reached the stop sign at the end of the block or no radio for that trip.

 

We had a pass for the local pool. Dc knew up front...we will go to the pool whenever possible and I will tell you. If you ask we won't go.

 

Both these strategies worked.

 

In your email example I would have warned about asking again with the consequence of not buying the roller blades that day. In the other example I would set a timer "I think dad will be home before this reaches zero. Please don't ask again".

[bolt.]

Example 1. Phase 1, explain (non-aggressively) that he is using bad manners, what the manners-rule is, why that's a manners-rule, and be clear on what I expect him to do instead.

 

Phase 2, repeat the above, clear up any specific questions (how do I know xyz, how phones work etc), be firm that his pestering is entirely unacceptable, outline a self-talk method of what to do when the question occurs to him, and provide a distraction. Clearly state that his question is "not allowed" and that I will not be answering it or checking my phone on request -- period.

 

Phase 3, repeat some of the above, say repeatedly, "That question is not allowed, and I'm not going to answer it." Repeat that he can ttust me (and the phone) to deliver any info as soon as it's available.

 

Phase 4, tell him that if he can't find his good manners, he'll have to spend time in a room that I'm not in. Initiate another distraction (possibly screen time).

 

---

 

Example 2,

 

Similarly, remind him about manners, and tell him nobody knows the answer to his question. Escalate to "not allowing" the question and "answering it" by saying "I'm not going to answer." Provide attention and initiate distractions. He sounds genuinely distressed by dad's unexplained (and possibly interminable) absence. He could do with some comforting too.

 

Basically, I don't wait until I am yell-ready to stand up for my right up be treated with common courtesy. I set that up as a basic expectation and a clear rule/limit/boundary. I let them know as soon as they transgress it and guide them into better behaviour... Before it's nuts enough that I'm going to blow my top.

 

If pestering is not ok, it's not ok from the 2nd and 3rd pester -- because it's not good behaviour and needs to be shifted, just on principle. I don't try to put up with it until I can't any more. That's confusing... Why is it wrong the 25th time when it was fine the 4th time?

 

This approach is easier for me because I discipline from a "helping you do all things better" paradigm, not from a "getting you in trouble when you do things wrong" paradigm. Therefore (1) it doesn't need to be "wrong" for me to begin trying to improve it, and (2) I can do it a lot more often without the kids feeling like they are getting in trouble... It's not a problem, it's just that mom knows how to do it better, and we practice so that we can all be happier.

[Farrar]

Seconding the above advice.

 

"I'm not talking about that anymore."

"I want you to have those rollerblades, but if you keep pestering me, I'm not going to let you get them."

[Flowing Brook]

Along with the added suggestions what about keeping him busy? Maybe if he asks again give him a job to do. If he asks again give him another job.  Get him busy so he has other things to think about.

[Trish]

Each time they ask they get a fresh chore.

 

 

[KungFuPanda]

DP

[KungFuPanda]

My answer is generally "If you ask again the answer is 'No.'

[Kerileanne99]

Following for ideas to cherry-pick😄

 

A few days ago after a seemingly all-day whine Festival (and me without my little black dress!) I finally told my dd4 that I had had absolutely enough of the whining and was not going to respond to any requests with even a hint of a whine in her voice.

 

Her response? "But I don't waaaanntt to whiiiinnee!"

[Ripley]

I'm not known for my Donna Reed -like parenting skills.

I'm no Roseanne Barr, either, but I definitely fall somewhere between.

 

Example 1: I can't blame the kid for being excited. I get the same way, still LOL. So I'd give him a few annoying requests before I shut him down. I have patience, until I don't. My kids know this by now, fortunately, which makes ALL of our lives much more pleasant.

 

If I didn't need my phone, I'd let him check it at his leisure. I'd probably have to move it out of my immediate area so I didn't feel the need to deck him for checking every 90 seconds ... but I'd be fine putting it on a counter somewhere and letting him know he could check as often as he wanted to. BUT! My terms would be that I wouldn't want to know, hear, answer, or explain anything related to the skates until there was a message from the seller. And if I had to know, hear, answer or explain anything related to the sakes BEFORE there was a message from the seller I'd just go ahead and contact the seller to say we had changed our minds.

 

If I did need my phone, I'd tell my son that even though my phone is smart enough to alert me when the seller returns contact ... I'm willing to indulge his excitement by agreeing to check the phone every 30 minutes. Not a second sooner, nor a minute later - seems fair to both sides. And I'd do just that. Because I used to be 8 and get excited about stuff like new skates. Or maybe because I'm in my mid-30s and envy that I no longer get excited about stuff like that.

 

Example 2: If I knew it'd be about an hour I'd try to make a game of it. If I were doing chores, I'd answer "I don't know. Let's bet - do you think it'll be BEFORE I finish making dinner or AFTER?" and that would hopefully buy me a however long I drew out making dinner ;) and if Dad still wasn't home I'd say, "Okay. next bet - do you think it'll be BEFORE you set the table or AFTER?" and hope his being distracted would buy a bit more time as well.

 

Or I might re-direct from the get-go. "I'm not sure, Honey. I bet you have time to / make a welcome home sign / or /get showered now so you can play chess with him after dinner / or / build a Lego creation to show him when he gets home / or / I vote 20 minutes, see what everyone else in the house guesses, write it all down, and we'll see who has the best guess" etc. If he can be redirected. Not all kids can!

 

Or I might just say, "OH MY HEAVENS I SAID I DON'T KNOW! That hasn't changed in the past 45 seconds! And if I get any new information YOU'RE THE FIRST I WILL LET KNOW!!! I have an idea, why don't you count the seconds until he gets home. Ready-set-go" :tongue_smilie:or "Like I said, I have no idea. Here's a timer. Here's how you set it. You keep watching it and when daddy gets home, here's how you stop it. Sit here [walk him to the other side of the house LOL] and keep an eye on the timer so you can tell me what time he gets home!"

 

Like you, I often give explanations.

Like yours, my kids often needed more than that.

So I tried to be pro-active in distracting them or giving them distracting tasks.

It worked a good portion of the time.

But sometimes, they're too excited.

And sometimes, yelling is the only thing that will stun them enough to stop.

(Or keep us from eating them like moms in the wild sometimes do!)
 

[myfunnybunch]

Parent of the Year, here. For nagging like scenario 1, I say "Leave me alone. I mean it. Don't ask me again. My head will shoot clear off, maybe to the moon. Go away." Sometimes I throw in an "I love you. You're driving me crazy. Go. A.Way."

 

They don't seem too scarred by it.

 

A 6 y.o. anxious for dad to come home, especially if it's near mealtime and things are a little off-routine because dad's usually there by that time, might just need some naming the feeling: I don't know when he'll be here. You seem anxious/excited for Dad to come home. Your body clock is telling you he should be here. Is there something special you wanted to tell him? Why don't you have some apple slices and draw him a picture (or help me with dinner, or get something special ready for Dad or whatever) while we wait? :)

 

Cat

[Joyofsixreboot]

My standard is "Do not ask me again. I will let you know when I do."

[Katy]

I usually indulge this sort of thing about three times before I start warning they are being rude and if they do it again they'll be consequenced.

 

Sometimes I get snarky and joke back instead of warnings though.  Yay, consistency.

[clarkacademy]

I usually indulge this sort of thing about three times before I start warning they are being rude and if they do it again they'll be consequenced.

 

Sometimes I get snarky and joke back instead of warnings though.  Yay, consistency.

 

I LOVE THAT WORD!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[Katy]

hehe, I'm pretty sure I made it up.  But punished doesn't fit, it's too harsh and not directly related to their choices.

[DawnM]

I did a lot of, "Do not ask again or you will not get it" talk when they were younger.

 

My 10 year old can still drive me crazy with things and sometimes and I still have to remind him that he is making me crazy and to stop talking/asking.

[6packofun]

Haven't read the responses, so forgive me if this is a repeat.  I have a few kids like this and it was always a great option to tell them, "You can remind me at 2 p.m. to check my email so I don't forget, OK?  But please wait until then because I'm very busy and I promise we WILL check it!"  Sometimes I've had to give a consequence for being uber-impatient.  This tendency runs in the family.  LOL

 

But having a time where they CAN nag, I mean REMIND, me is good because if I'm really honest, I DO forget in the busyness of the day sometimes and it's frustrating when I keep putting it off, etc.  Nagging at my house is sometimes a result of me saying I will do something and not being able to get to it in a reasonable timeframe--hey, it happens to all of us--and so their response seems pretty normal to me if that has been happening a lot.  So this gives them some sense of control and the comfort of knowing I will check it because they are going to "help" me.  :)

[Ellie]

Children who nag are instructed in my most serious voice, and including the Steely Schoolteacher Eyeball Stare, not to say anything about it again or all heck will happen.

 

Ok, maybe not all heck, but possibly the thing they wanted to do, they won't be allowed to do if they nag.

[myfunnybunch]

 if I'm really honest, I DO forget in the busyness of the day sometimes and it's frustrating when I keep putting it off, etc.  Nagging at my house is sometimes a result of me saying I will do something and not being able to get to it in a reasonable timeframe

 

Me too.

 

So I try to be patient(ish--see my previous post :D ) with it and approach it with a little humor because I have contributed to the development of the pattern.

 

Cat