s/o Intimacy..Fatigue

[fairfarmhand]

I've seen that many of us posted about our fatigue on the thread about obstacles to intimacy.

 

Is it normal for women to be so tired?

 

Most of my friends admit to being tired, both moms of little ones and those with older kids.

 

Why is this?

 

What's contributing to this climate of exhaustion?

 

Is it even possible to be a well-rested mom of several kids?

 

Has anyone figured this out?

 

Every time we try to get into a better routine for rest and stuff, something comes along and derails us.

 

 

[gardenmom5]

I discovered I had adrenal fatigue. - where the adrenal glands are too tired to function correctly, it throws the entire endocrine system off.  treating that made a difference to my energy levels.

quality and consistency of sleep make a difference.

I also do yoga - I've currently added one practice that is particularly demanding (for me) - but it actually energizes me when I'm done.

 

eta: I also figured out staying away from sugar (and everything else used to "give energy"), while being consistent in sleep, eating, etc., increased my energy levels and they were more stable throughout the day.

[Ottakee]

Mom are always ON CALL---day or night.

 

We are the ones that handle all of the little details of things that aren't noticed........unless they dont' get done.

 

I know that around here I am usually the last one asleep and the first one up each morning.

 

I think it is important to get your thyroid, Vit D levels, etc. checked just to make sure it is nothing medically causing the fatigue.

 

Then just trying to get into a good routine.  I know that many people thought it unreasonable that often I send my teens to their rooms at 8pm during the week.  They don't have to sleep but it gives me some down time and gives dh and I some alone time as well.

[momee]

I know for me personally, I feel the need to be home and "on call" to everyone, all the time.

 

That is tiring.  I have a fantastic husband who is more than willing to help with the kids when I am away.  My own fault though:  I don't plan time for just me to do what I (bold and cap) enjoy.  Alone.

 

Amazing how much better rested I feel when I've taken some time to do what recharges me.  

And no.  This does not include meal planning, school work checking at a coffee shop. 

 

[Seasider]

Mom are always ON CALL---day or night.

 

We are the ones that handle all of the little details of things that aren't noticed........unless they dont' get done.

 

I know that around here I am usually the last one asleep and the first one up each morning.

 

I think it is important to get your thyroid, Vit D levels, etc. checked just to make sure it is nothing medically causing the fatigue.

 

Then just trying to get into a good routine. I know that many people thought it unreasonable that often I send my teens to their rooms at 8pm during the week. They don't have to sleep but it gives me some down time and gives dh and I some alone time as well.

Amen! When your kids range from college to elementary, it's a tough go. I have a couple that have high need for my attention right now and the calls come at 6am and 12 midnight. The sleep I get is not enough. I am also very affected by lack of sunlight. Four or five cloudy days in a row can really sink my ship. I try to keep up with vitamins and such but honestly, by the time I crawl in my bed, the only thing I want to do on it is sleep!

[kewb]

First there was the exhaustion of a newborn. Then the exhaustion of a baby and a full time job. Then the exhaustion of a toddler and a baby and a full time job. Plus being the one responsible for the majority of the household stuff. My dh worked longer hours and had a longer commute. Then came homeschooling and a few not so exhausted years. Then came dh's health issues. So now it is exhaustion of homeschooling, managing his meds, managing the house, managing doctors appointments, managing chauffering teens to and from swim practice and other assorted activities. At the end of the day I Jusy want to go to sleep.

[JumpyTheFrog]

Most people don't stay in bed enough hours to get enough sleep. Every time we have a daily schedule thread here, I am amazed how few women get even 8 hours. I have always needed 9, even before I became chronically ill. Even just one or days of only 8 hours makes it much harder for me to function.

[mommymilkies]

Exactly.  We are on call 24/7.  If a husband/father wants to go out or get a break, IME, he just does and the Mom is default childcare.  I don't know many families where that is reversed or equal.  I would imagine it would be easier on the family if there was some equality in household workload and expectations.  I know here I deal with the finances, child rearing, homeschooling, household repairs (all), house keeping, cooking, etc.  That's an exhausting job.  At the end of the night I just want to sit down and be left alone. :p  Add in physical exhaustion from pregnancies, aging, chasing toddlers, and nutritional insufficiencies and it's really a losing cause for a lot of women.  

[mommymilkies]

Most people don't stay in bed enough hours to get enough sleep. Every time we have a daily schedule thread here, I am amazed how few women get even 8 hours. I have always needed 9, even before I became chronically ill. Even just one or days of only 8 hours makes it much harder for me to function.

Another good point.  There was a study I saw recently about women needing more sleep than men.  Obviously not all women as there's always individual differences, but it is an issue for many. I'm a night owl and I sleep in.  Forcing myself to wake up earlier drags my whole day down.  I know some people can do it successfully, but waking up early to me ruins my whole day.  Plus I've been tracking my sleep/wake cycle and even without a newborn, I am waking 8-13 times a night because of the dog barking, kids whimpering in their sleep, cars honking, bathroom visits, and getting too hot/cold.  I'm easy to waken probably from conditioning having a newborn.  But that also means I sleep terribly, even still.  Dh sleeps like the dead from the moment he's horizontal.  

[Slache]

eta: I also figured out staying away from sugar (and everything else used to "give energy"), while being consistent in sleep, eating, etc., increased my energy levels and they were more stable throughout the day.

:iagree:

 

I know that around here I am usually the last one asleep and the first one up each morning.

I'm the last one up and my husband is the first one up. When he's at work, I'm at work, but when he's home we're equal partners.

[Wheres Toto]

I was tested deficient in Vit D a year or so ago and I know I'm not as good as I should be in taking my supplements.  I also don't get as much sleep as I need - partially from not spending enough time in bed, partially from not sleeping well when I'm there.   I can't nap no matter how tired I am.  

 

I'm sure stress contributes quite a bit to the problem.

 

I do have to say that Dh is extremely helpful.  If he is home I can leave the kids with him without any issues at all.  He also does all the cooking, most of the grocery shopping and some of the dishes.  He also does whatever projects I throw at him in my attempt to get our house more functional. 

 

 

[gardenmom5]

very timely - but I was just reading a study about the effects of poor posture. shallower breathing and more sluggish digestion ( because your chest and abdominal cavities are squished).  that leads to lower oxygenation of the blood and absorption of nutrients from the food you're eating.  it also leads to increased physical stress.

 

a real interesting finding was that those with poor posture have more feelings of negativity/depression than those with good posture.

 

I know the very first thing I noticed when doing yoga (includes when I've had a break of months due to injury) - I can breath better and that makes me feel a lot better.

[Garga]

I don't get to bed on time.  When I do, things are great.  When I don't, the house spirals out of control and I'm exhausted.  

 

My dh has sleep problems and can't sleep well.  I don't have sleep problems and I get resentful when he infringes on my sleep time.  But he doesn't understand why I' not lying there staring at the ceiling.  So, when I'm on the brink of falling asleep, he'll move or get up or talk or whatever.  Drives me bonkers.  

 

I neeeeeeed 8.5 hours of sleep.  In order to get it, I give up some of my alone time.  But...I neeeeeeeeed alone time.  Ah, so I either get sleep OR I get alone time.

 

The best nights are when I head to bed a good 2 hours before DH (easy to do---remember his sleep problems?  He often stays up until 12 or 1 a.m.).  And I always (always, always) wear earplugs when DH is home. 

[Trilliums]

We were talking about household demands and responsibilities and my niece said that I (as the mom) was responsible for worrying about the kids not ending up in jail.  She said this in a light hearted joking manner, but it did spur many thoughts in me!  I actually do exert a lot of thought energy on, maybe not exactly worrying, but on keeping everyone's schedules and needs sorted out in my mind.  This can get quite complex as the kids start applying to colleges and branching out into all kinds of activities.  My kids are great at keeping up with their own schedules but I still am the **supreme overlord** of it all!  

 

I feel tired almost all the time and never wake up feeling rested.  I don't think this is normal but no doctor has any help to offer.

[Liz CA]

Moms hold things together. Many raise kids and work. The ever increasing pace of life is not helping. We are all running around frantically trying to squeeze one more thing into our day or night.

[Justmeandyou]

I think everyone slept better when spouses slept in separate rooms/beds.  It was the norm in England for long time. 

[Seasider]

I think everyone slept better when spouses slept in separate rooms/beds. It was the norm in England for long time.

I really think you're on to something.

[DesertBlossom]

I feel like a b-complex vitamin has helped me.

 

I had 5 kids in less than 8 years and breastfed/coslept with all of them (who never slept through the night until AT LEAST a year). I also have a DD with Type 1 diabetes, so for the past 6 years I have regularly set alarms for myself to get up in the night and check her blood sugar. I haven't gotten an uninterrupted night sleep in many years. I'm actually surprised I function as well as I do.   DH is awake and gone to work before I get out of bed most mornings. But considering he doesn't wake up to little people crying and I have only asked him to test DD once or twice in 6 years, I don't feel bad that I get to sleep in. :P

[stripe]

I think everyone slept better when spouses slept in separate rooms/beds.  It was the norm in England for long time. 

Mm. I don't believe this was the culture among most people in most places. This was the culture among the wealthy who had giant houses and whose marriages were arranged and for children. Men especially often had other women on the side, and in some cases the women did too. And they definitely had servants so I don't think housework was keeping the women up late at night. In some cultures, husbands and wives traditionally "take naps" together in the afternoon.

[VeritasMama]

Mm. I don't believe this was the culture among most people in most places. This was the culture among the wealthy who had giant houses and whose marriages were arranged and for children. Men especially often had other women on the side, and in some cases the women did too. And they definitely had servants so I don't think housework was keeping the women up late at night. In my husband's culture, husbands and wives traditionally "take naps" together in the afternoon.

I think that women and men sleeping in separate rooms was also the result of wealthy people being able to afford multiple fire places and servants to warm their rooms in the morning. I sleep much better with my heating pad, aka my husband, in bed with me than when he is out of town :). But I'm someone who is always cold.

 

I too function much better with at least 8 hours of sleep, but that means less grown up time at night with the hubby. Everything in life is a trade off.

[speedmom4]

My youngest is now 12 and my oldest is 19. To be honest I rarely feel tired anymore (unless it's late or there's an unusual reason for missing sleep). I'm actually surprised to read that so many moms are tired even with older children. I get plenty of sleep and eat healthy food. I also started regularly exercising a couple of years ago. Most of the time I feel fantastic and have lots of energy.

 

Now I only have three kids still at home but when all four were little I was exhausted ALL the time. I'm curious why moms with only older children feel tired.

 

Elise in NC

[VeganCupcake]

My youngest is now 12 and my oldest is 19. To be honest I rarely feel tired anymore (unless it's late or there's an unusual reason for missing sleep). I'm actually surprised to read that so many moms are tired even with older children. I get plenty of sleep and eat healthy food. I also started regularly exercising a couple of years ago. Most of the time I feel fantastic and have lots of energy.

 

Now I only have three kids still at home but when all four were little I was exhausted ALL the time. I'm curious why moms with only older children feel tired.

 

Elise in NC

 

This gives me hope. I manage alright with four very small people, but to think of how great I could feel if I were getting more than a few very interrupted hours of sleep a night . . . .

[JustEm]

For me,  I feel well rested the most when I'm am eating healthy.  Healthy for my body, is high protein, high good fats, and lower carb.  When I maintain this kind of diet along with minimally processed foods I remain refreshed no matter what happens during the day. And I am a mom of a 5 year old, 4 year old, and 18 month old.  With that diet I can function on as little as 5 hours of sleep in the short term and 7 hours regularly.

 

Exercise has a lot to do with it too.  If I'm exercising regularly then I am not as exhausted during the days.  If I'm not exercising I become fatigued much more often.

 

 

[fairfarmhand]

For me,  I feel well rested the most when I'm am eating healthy.  Healthy for my body, is high protein, high good fats, and lower carb.  When I maintain this kind of diet along with minimally processed foods I remain refreshed no matter what happens during the day. And I am a mom of a 5 year old, 4 year old, and 18 month old.  With that diet I can function on as little as 5 hours of sleep in the short term and 7 hours regularly.

 

Exercise has a lot to do with it too.  If I'm exercising regularly then I am not as exhausted during the days.  If I'm not exercising I become fatigued much more often.

I actually did better when my kids were these ages.

 

Now, maybe it's aging? The emotional complications of a teen and preteen? Complexities of life?

 

Fatigue has only been an issue SINCE MY KIDS HAVE GOTTEN OLDER.

 

[Seasider]

Older kids keep later hours. And they like to dive into serious conversations at 11pm. And they start to become involved in activities which keep them out late (and tho some moms may, I cannot sleep while one of my teen drivers is out on the road).

[JustEm]

I actually did better when my kids were these ages.

 

Now, maybe it's aging? The emotional complications of a teen and preteen? Complexities of life?

 

Fatigue has only been an issue SINCE MY KIDS HAVE GOTTEN OLDER.

 

 

Don't tell me that!!! 

 

I think there are so many factors that contribute to exhaustion.  Exercise, diet, stress management, taking on too many responsibilities, etc.  I also don't necessarily think women are more exhausted than men.

[AmyontheFarm]

I remember being so super tired that I just wanted to cry, but didn't have the energy for it.

 

I've been like at for the past two years. So tired and emotionally drained that I couldn't cry. I knew I should be crying but I didn't have the energy so I just sat there.

 

Hubby bought himself a new lazy boy chair. We call it the five minute chair, in five minutes hubby is asleep, and I leave him in there sleeping and he moves to our bed around 2-3am. So, I get 4-5 hours of sleep without him and I enjoy every blessed minute. If it wouldn't freak people out, I'd put two double beds into our room ASAP!

[aggie96]

I think everyone slept better when spouses slept in separate rooms/beds.  It was the norm in England for long time. 

 My grandparents (Texas) did this as well as soon as last child flew the coop.  My grandmother insisted.  They loved the arrangement (for 20+ years).  We had a little laugh when grandmother was buried in same grave as grandfather because of the irony.

 

I told DH the other night that we needed beds like the Ricardos (I Love Lucy).  He innocently asked, "Do you realize they slept in separate beds?"  Yes.  Yes, I do.   :)

 

I sleep so much better when he sleeps in the guest room.

 

 

 

The intimacy issue is such a hot topic in our house right now that I can't even get my thoughts gathered to participate in this thread.   :(  It's bad.  Very, very bad.   :(

[ILiveInFlipFlops]

But I know I'm only chronically fatigued when I'm not taking care of myself.

 

I agree, but I can't figure out how to take care of myself and everyone else, and do a decent job at all of it. Something is always suffering. I have seven "areas" that I need to manage in life: paid work, homeschooling, being a good mom, being a good wife, taking care of the house, taking care of our family's "social" needs, taking care of myself. I seem to only be able to do a good job at three or four of those at any given time. Trying to take care of the other three is where the rest of my mental and emotional resources get completely depleted.

 

DH has recently started an exercise and wellness program that is really making a difference in his health and how he feels. It takes him out of the house an extra hour and half a day, and he feeds himself breakfast, remembers to take his vitamins, feeds himself lunch, and then has me worrying about how to feed us all a healthy dinner. When I think about how badly I need to be able to take care of my own self for awhile, I just want to break down and cry. But I simply cannot see how to fit one single additional thing into my life right now!

 

I really don't see how anyone manages it. 

 

And yes, intimacy is a BIG issue here right now as well. 

[JustEm]

I agree, but I can't figure out how to take care of myself and everyone else, and do a decent job at all of it. Something is always suffering. I have seven "areas" that I need to manage in life: paid work, homeschooling, being a good mom, being a good wife, taking care of the house, taking care of our family's "social" needs, taking care of myself. I seem to only be able to do a good job at three or four of those at any given time. Trying to take care of the other three is where the rest of my mental and emotional resources get completely depleted.

 

DH has recently started an exercise and wellness program that is really making a difference in his health and how he feels. It takes him out of the house an extra hour and half a day, and he feeds himself breakfast, remembers to take his vitamins, feeds himself lunch, and then has me worrying about how to feed us all a healthy dinner. When I think about how badly I need to be able to take care of my own self for awhile, I just want to break down and cry. But I simply cannot see how to fit one single additional thing into my life right now!

 

I really don't see how anyone manages it.

 

And yes, intimacy is a BIG issue here right now as well.

Reevaluate your priorities. Your health should be one of the top 3 things. The housework should be your last concern until you get your health cares tended to. Trust me once you take care of yourself it makes everything else easier! Make small changes and take it slow. It takes a long time to change a routine

[fairfarmhand]

In really pondering this, I've come up with some thoughts.

 

1. Having older kids is much much more draining than I thought it would be. Dealing with 1 intense child with hormones, 1 preteen with hormones. Trying to balance the attention and time that the oldest needs without short changing the other 3 kids is HORRIBLY difficult.  The discussions are much more important, my input is necessary. This is not something I can farm out to anyone else. I have 4 kids, three of whom are extroverts. They take a TON out of me.

 

2. My dh and his sleep schedule being opposite of one another is very trying. That's all I want to say about that. Don't want to overshare.

 

3. As an introvert, married to an introvert, we both CRAVE time alone. However, to be "together" as a couple, we also need couple time. By the time he gets home from work, we eat, the kids get some attention, and we both spend 30-40 minutes alone, there's not as much time to reconnect for the two of us before I am ready to pass out.

 

I take fairly good care of myself. We eat very healthily. I spend time outdoors every day. I exercise. I'm still whipped at day's end.

 

As much as I try to make sleep a priority, it is just SO hard to fit in everything. Getting everybody's needs met around her totally drains me.

[Ottakee]

That is a point that many people may have missed.  You have a teen with some special/challenging needs.  The younger years are hard but the consequences of bad teen choices are much more long lasting and it can get very tiring just dealing with the mental gymnastics of it all.

 

tonight one of my children got upset with me when I would not answer non stop questions.  I just said that my brain was tired and I couldnt' explain/answer more questions.  Child wanted to know all of the nuances of autism and what causes it, symptoms, how they react, how to parent/teach them, and on and on.  Yes, I have a degree in special ed but I was TIRED and many of those things are just HARD to explain.  They just ARE.

 

 

In really pondering this, I've come up with some thoughts.

 

1. Having older kids is much much more draining than I thought it would be. Dealing with 1 intense child with hormones, 1 preteen with hormones. Trying to balance the attention and time that the oldest needs without short changing the other 3 kids is HORRIBLY difficult. 

 

[Ottakee]

For those really struggling in this area, check out the blog posts by Love Honor and Vacuum  www.tolovehonorandvacuum.com  She has a lot of great ideas. 

[fairfarmhand]

 mental gymnastics

 

That's exactly it.

 

She and my husband don't deal with one another well, (It's mostly my dd's issues with him. I can't just ask him to step it up. It doesn't work.)

 

So it's up to me to work through lots of issues with my dd. My dh is my sounding board and so supportive but it IS draining.

[FaithManor]

I am chronically anemic. My bone marrow is worn out and I do not absorb potassium or iron. No treatment has been successful shoirt of blood transfusion. I function daily with a hemoglobin of 9-9.5 and a couple of times a year it hits 8. After the accident, it plunged to 6.8. 

 

So that is my life. I expect to never feel good, to never feel rested. It is my "normal". I have to admit it has been a lot harder cgoming back from the injuries. Every bit as bad as after middle ds was born when my count hit 2 and they were transfusing like mad.

 

However, the real problem currently is dh being exhausted from working too many hours.

[Guest]

I actually did better when my kids were these ages.

 

Now, maybe it's aging? The emotional complications of a teen and preteen? Complexities of life?

 

Fatigue has only been an issue SINCE MY KIDS HAVE GOTTEN OLDER.

This is me, but I also say changing hormones is a significant factor. I have very good general health; DH does, too. But let's not overlook the extraordinary power of hormones. Hormones make you want to sleep and hormones keep you awake when you would prefer to sleep. Some days, my fatigue is almost incredible.

 

I also agree that mothering teens is very...intense. I say this though my teens are, by all accounts, "good." They are becoming great people of whom I am proud. However, there are constant, CONSTANT worries, concerns, decisions, guidance, angst, etc., etc., etc. in helping teens grow into fine people. I've spent more than a year assisting my dd in learning to drive. She passed! YAY...oh...shit, she passed! Now I have to give her the keys, and hope for the best! It's a killer. Everything about teens is like this.

[fairfarmhand]

 

I also agree that mothering teens is very...intense. I say this though my teens are, by all accounts, "good." They are becoming great people of whom I am proud. However, there are constant, CONSTANT worries, concerns, decisions, guidance, angst, etc., etc., etc. in helping teens grow into fine people. I've spent more than a year assisting my dd in learning to drive. She passed! YAY...oh...shit, she passed! Now I have to give her the keys, and hope for the best! It's a killer. Everything about teens is like this.

 

I am so sick of deciding things.

 

But that's off topic.

[Seasider]

I don't think it is normal, physiologically, for moms to be tired. I think it is common, but not normal. Our schedules, insufficient diets, sleeping too little, over scheduling, and the demands of pregnancy and nursing and potential underlying and preexisting conditions can exacerbate that.

 

But I know I'm only chronically fatigued when I'm not taking care of myself. Adrenals are out, diet is crud, I'm not disciplined about getting into bed, and say yes to one too many activities. That does it for me. Pregnancy makes me hit that line sooner. But even nursing kids and interrupted sleep doesn't wear my body out if everything else is in line.

How old are you? Perhaps you will feel differently when you have a baby at age 42!

[stripe]

I too function much better with at least 8 hours of sleep, but that means less grown up time at night with the hubby. Everything in life is a trade off.

Hence the need for "naps." ;)

[AMJ]

I have found that for me diet was playing a big issue.  I really need to cut WAY back on soy, added sugars and sweeteners, and fresh dairy (milk, cream, young cheeses, etc.).  When I am good about this my energy rebounds and I feel better over all.  When I get nostalgic for some old favorite food and allow myself to have some I jeopardize the progress I've made so far, and risk eating more of the goodie than I should, and falling prey to the old hankerings for other stuff, too.  I strongly suspect I have an ongoing problem with yeast in my system.

 

Another big contributor was stress, but I've managed to knock a lot of that out of my life.  Switching to homeschooling relieved me of one big source -- the demands the kids' old school placed on parents!

 

Exercise, too, has made a big difference.  When I was working out 2-3 times per week with my own personal trainer I was in my best shape and feeling most like my old self body-wise (energy and lack of aches, not youthful looks and vigor).  I've been slipping on that lately, especially this summer, through which I've had a LOT of trouble coping with the heat and humidity.

 

Basically, over time our bodies change, and we need to change our living habits accordingly.  This takes some doing, to recognize how one's own body has changed and then be able to make the mental mindset changes necessary to adapt.  It's not easy, but it's worth it, if we can only stick it through.