What do you do about extracurriculars and different children

[GSOchristie]

And yes, we (parents) chose swimming. They have been in lessons since they were tiny and they all absolutely love to swim. We chose it because all three could do it all the way through high school/life, and to make my life easier :). My 7 YO really, really loves swimming on the team, and does not like soccer at all (we let him play twice when he was 5 and 6, that's how my 4 YO knows about the snacks.). I did offer up

Gatorade and Oreos after swim meets :). DH is not home to help on any sort of regular schedule, he has photo shoots 3-4 nights a week, then meets with clients on nights in the winter. Moving to a small town sounds good, no matter where you live in Greensboro, you are going to be driving 20 minutes to something, we actually live in the city limits.

[Soror]

That seems pretty low commitment to me. I would probably do it.

[GSOchristie]

And again, thank you for all your replies. My MIL is making me feel like I am a terrible parent for not giving my children their own rooms and that I need to put them all in different activities until they find their "gifted ness", even my 3 YO. And yes, she is willing to pay for this exploration.

[GSOchristie]

And no, I don't even have enough bedrooms for everyone to have their own room.

[MysteryJen]

And again, thank you for all your replies. My MIL is making me feel like I am a terrible parent for not giving my children their own rooms and that I need to put them all in different activities until they find their "gifted ness", even my 3 YO. And yes, she is willing to pay for this exploration.

Sorry about your MIL.  

 

But, I would totally take her up on her offer to pay. Can she drive, too?

[Vida Winter]

I go a little crazy when the kids are involved in too many activities so I would limit it to going out a maximum of two evenings per week. It's not a matter of being fair - it's simply my limit. (Of course there are exceptions when special events come up).

[bettyandbob]

And again, thank you for all your replies. My MIL is making me feel like I am a terrible parent for not giving my children their own rooms and that I need to put them all in different activities until they find their "gifted ness", even my 3 YO. And yes, she is willing to pay for this exploration.

 

 

Sorry. MIL already had her chance to make parenting decisions. I'm sorry she doesn't know here role is to shut up.

 

However, if she thinks it's so important, could she do some of the driving. Could she take your ds to 1 practice a week, so you don't have to take something off the schedule for the other kids. You may not want to do this simply because you would be involving yourself with someone who wants to meddle in your life.

[GSOchristie]

LOL, no she lives in PA. She is offering to pay for art camp this summer, and wants them to go on different weeks so they will feel special. The camps my 7 and 3 YO's chose are a week she is going to be here for part of the week, I seriously considered making her take the 3 YO in the morning, coming home, going back at 1 to pick her up and drop off the 7 YO, coming home, and going back at 5:30 to get him, just so she can get a feel for my reality ;).

[bettyandbob]

LOL, no she lives in PA. She is offering to pay for art camp this summer, and wants them to go on different weeks so they will feel special. The camps my 7 and 3 YO's chose are a week she is going to be here for part of the week, I seriously considered making her take the 3 YO in the morning, coming home, going back at 1 to pick her up and drop off the 7 YO, coming home, and going back at 5:30 to get him, just so she can get a feel for my reality ;).

 

different weeks so they feel special?!

 

Typically, at these programs kids the ages of your dc would be in different groups anyway.

[JudoMom]

And again, thank you for all your replies. My MIL is making me feel like I am a terrible parent for not giving my children their own rooms and that I need to put them all in different activities until they find their "gifted ness", even my 3 YO. And yes, she is willing to pay for this exploration.

 

You are not a terrible parent.  If she starts giving you a hard time, tell her about this other mom you know who has five boys who share two rooms and have never played a team sport :P.

 

(BTW, the boys are all very well adjusted, like each other--they want to all share one room, and I promise you there is no resentment or woe about the fact we consciously made the decision when they were much younger to not enter the team sport/individualized activity run-around)

[shage]

A different perspective which might not help the OP but might keep some younger parent reading along from breaking out in hives.

 

We opted out of ALL organized sports until this year (oldest child is 16).  The  main reason was that we enjoy the outdoors (hiking, camping, mountain biking) and it is really hard to share that with your kids if even one hour on Saturday is scheduled.  There were other reasons:  for many years we only owned one car, I refused on principle to live in it, and we had other ways to teach teamwork, perseverance, physical activity, and a work ethic. 

 

It's okay to say no.

 

It's okay not to follow the cultural norms WRT activities.

 

In fairness, since we limited our kids activities, my husband and I also limited our out of house activities too because part of our goal was to create an unhurried family, and that meant reigning ourselves in as much as anything.  It also meant hosting and practicing hospitality because it was easier for friends to come to us than for us to go to them.

 

Jumping in to sports late in the game has created some challenges for the kids, but also not really because they have a freshness and eagerness that the coaches can spot a mile away.

 

[Soror]

 

 

In fairness, since we limited our kids activities, my husband and I also limited our out of house activities too because part of our goal was to create an unhurried family, and that meant reigning ourselves in as much as anything.  It also meant hosting and practicing hospitality because it was easier for friends to come to us than for us to go to them.

 

Jumping in to sports late in the game has created some challenges for the kids, but also not really because they have a freshness and eagerness that the coaches can spot a mile away.

Yes, we are similar here. Dh and I don't do a ton of activities outside the house either and try to keep our commitments low, generally related to children's activities. We like to do outdoor activities with the whole family and also like to host people. We all really enjoy our family time.

 

I don't forsee ours looking to jump into team sports, although I guess that could change but right now that is not where their interests lie. 

 

I can see that perhaps in the future our commitment levels will change and we will have busier and calmer seasons but for right now this level feels good for our family and I'm not ready to rush and change it. We don't just jump into anything but contemplate it for a good while and the pros and cons for everyone and it has served us well. We've slowly increased our commitments but it has not been overwhelming for the most part.

[shage]

Yes, we are similar here. Dh and I don't do a ton of activities outside the house either and try to keep our commitments low, generally related to children's activities. We like to do outdoor activities with the whole family and also like to host people. We all really enjoy our family time.

 

I don't forsee ours looking to jump into team sports, although I guess that could change but right now that is not where their interests lie. 

 

I can see that perhaps in the future our commitment levels will change and we will have busier and calmer seasons but for right now this level feels good for our family and I'm not ready to rush and change it. We don't just jump into anything but contemplate it for a good while and the pros and cons for everyone and it has served us well. We've slowly increased our commitments but it has not been overwhelming for the most part.

 

I saw you mentioned robotics in earlier posts.  We have done robotics out of our home for 6 years now and will likely continue until youngest ages out.  The nice thing about robotics, you can enter competitively, depending on the league with one (maybe two but max three) events per year.  You can lump various ages and siblings.  Once you get fundraising figured out, it is extremely low cost.  We haven't found sports leagues to be anywhere near that flexible.

 

That said, I don't regret now 12 year old doing competitive swim this year because he is well suited for it.  And, he is old enough to help with transportation, either riding his bike or city bus.

 

There are times and seasons.

[GSOchristie]

I loved the idea of an unhurried family :).

[Soror]

I saw you mentioned robotics in earlier posts.  We have done robotics out of our home for 6 years now and will likely continue until youngest ages out.  The nice thing about robotics, you can enter competitively, depending on the league with one (maybe two but max three) events per year.  You can lump various ages and siblings.  Once you get fundraising figured out, it is extremely low cost.  We haven't found sports leagues to be anywhere near that flexible.

 

That said, I don't regret now 12 year old doing competitive swim this year because he is well suited for it.  And, he is old enough to help with transportation, either riding his bike or city bus.

 

There are times and seasons.

Thanks for your thoughts! I think we actually have some funding secured for robotics as dh does robotics at his job and talked to them about it.

 

fwiw I think this is partially personality dependent as well. I have a friend who has a hard time staying home 1 entire day, she has 2 kids, 1 who always wants more and another who really needs a slower pace.

[Joyofsixreboot]

This is what you do:  You move to a small town where everything is 8 blocks away!  :)  Life is sooo much easier!

 

Other than that, I do think once your children reach a certain age you end up spending a lot of time in the car driving them places.  Perhaps if your son gets involved with soccer and wants to continue, you can eventually get into a car pool with other kids.  Could you do that for swimming?  I also tried to involved my kids in a lot of the same things (starting with swimming and 4H), and it worked out great for a number of years.  Once their interested started to vary we worked it out when we could, but sometimes we just couldn't and had to say no.

 

Unless your town is so small there are no activities :huh: ....in which case you drive 20 miles to the bigger town.  :001_rolleyes: Which is still 40 miles from big town but you get the idea.  There's just no one answer to the kid toting thing.  Every family has to find what works for them.  I always figure worst case it's a really long 6 weeks, then season is over and you don't do that again.

[shage]

I loved the idea of an unhurried family :).

 

Well, I now homeschool 5 plus work part time on an erratic schedule. I would no longer say we are unhurried.

 

But

 

It is not overly busy either.  3 of the kids are at least partially independent with transportation.  They are a help around the house.  4 of the 5 have enough cooking skills to put a meal for the family on the table.  I am much more efficient with the homeschooling than I was, say, 5 years ago.  We have deep support/friendship/neighbor networks. 

 

This is a juggling act that works now but would have been overwhelming when they were all 10 years old and under. 

 

I don't regret for a second the slower pace during those younger years.

[swellmomma]

I just tell myself there is such a short period of time when I will have 4 kids to run to activities and count down to summer break lol.  Right now my big kids take dd6 to and from her sparks meetings due to my work schedule. The teens are in the most it seems though it is all one group-cadets, but then you add in shooting team practices, camps, competitions etc and it adds up.  This year is a quiet year last year both girls danced, both teens were in cadets, 3 out of 4 were in acro, plus ds15 had a p/t job.  We take each year as we go and fit things in or drop them as needed.

Next year it looks like the teens will continue with cadets plus each get jobs, and take music lessons.  The youngers will return to kuk sool won, dd6 will move up to brownies, and if I can swing it they will also take music lessons.  As a family we will be joining the nordic ski club for the winter and all 4 will do archery together.  So it will be a hectic year again but it's fine.  In 3 short years I will be down to only 2 going to activities.  I can give up my time and sanity to ensure they can experience all we can while they are growing up.  After all some of their biggest strengths and passions have developed due to all those extracurriculars and driving from one thing tot he next over the years.

[MooCow]

Dd committed to band in sixth grade. So did we. :) Oldest ds did basketball and football. Youngest does football and soccer. Both sports count as P.E. at our umbrella school.

 

Driving band kids has been my life for years, mainly because I am the only parent in the carpool who doesn't have an outside job.

[Alessandra]

When my dc were little, I made them try a variety of sports: weekly swim lessons at the Y, summer pool club swim team, rec soccer, basketball, baseball, track, Challenger sports, mini soccer camps, horseback riding, probably other stuff I can't recall... ballet that was dropped after two sessions. I guess the point was that I wanted to expose them to a variety of activities. Swimming was a given, for safety reasons.

 

We dropped baseball after two years or so, found it boring. Other sports continued until middle school age. My perspective is that of a mother whose kids never did travel, so the schedules were not too demanding. Practices were relatively nearby, so as kids got older, I could do a drop off. But I also spent many happy hours sitting in warm fall sunshine watching soccer and making friends with other parents. The only negative I remember were 8 hour plus track meets in a light spring drizzle....

 

As kids get to middle school in our area, they tend to focus on one sport, or at least fewer sports. The travel people have really close bonds, both kids and adults. I rather envy that. Lots of carpooling, so no one has too much of a burden. Color coded schedules, though.

 

At the young age of your children, I would look at current schedules and not worry too much about the what-ifs. Travel is still a while away.

[Lisbeth]

We do multiple activites and I do drive a lot. We have tried many different things. Some stick, some don't. I am in the camp that believes in helping kids find their passions in life. I hated sitting around as a kid...there were so many things I wanted to try. I am not a big lover of driving a lot, but to me, that is my job and in this case I put the kids first.

 

I would def. refrain from making one kid take time off of a loved activity so a sib could try a new one. I would just deal with it and make it work.

[linders]

Drive. Do my best to time things. But they do get to choose individual activities.

[QueenCat]

For us, when they were young (elementary), it was important that they try a lot of different things to help them find THEIR passions. So we drove, a lot, and often in separate directions.

[swellmomma]

jumping back in quickly to say too I see a lot of people (not just in this thread but in general too) say the schedule would be a nightmare for them, that they don't want to drive that much etc.  I get that BUT ultimately these activities are not about THEM, they are about the kids and worth the sacrifice of time and energy getting them from point A to point B to experience them.  I have never heard anyone complain when they grew up that they tried too many activities growing up, but I have heard a lot complain they never got to try the one they wanted because parents didn't want to drive/deal/pay for it etc.  I mean if enrolling in something means the mortgage or groceries don't get paid yeah I can see not doing them, but just because you would have to drive more nights a week I think is lame. I mean really how long is soccer season? Out here it is 8 weeks.  So twice a week for 2 hours each time for 8 weeks, is only 32 hours a YEAR on this activity.  Really we are willing to make a kid miss out on trying something new because we think 32 hours of an activity is just too much?  Maybe if it was dance like my kids did (worked out to dd14 doing 6 hours a week in studio, dd6 doing 2 and ds10 doing 1 all on different days with lots of zooming from one thing to the next), or hockey with 5 am practices for 8 months, but things like soccer, or baseball  etc all have very short seasons meaning it is actually a very short time commitment over all.

Not every family likes the busyness of multiple kids in activities but that is the way it is if you have opted to have more than 1 child and want to ensure they can experience all they can as kids.    

[Carrie12345]

I always reserve the right to limit activities, but mostly I drive, drive, drive.  I don't like it, and I never intended to do it, but then I saw how much my kids get out of it and decided to adapt.

[shage]

jumping back in quickly to say too I see a lot of people (not just in this thread but in general too) say the schedule would be a nightmare for them, that they don't want to drive that much etc.  I get that BUT ultimately these activities are not about THEM, they are about the kids and worth the sacrifice of time and energy getting them from point A to point B to experience them.  I have never heard anyone complain when they grew up that they tried too many activities growing up, but I have heard a lot complain they never got to try the one they wanted because parents didn't want to drive/deal/pay for it etc.  I mean if enrolling in something means the mortgage or groceries don't get paid yeah I can see not doing them, but just because you would have to drive more nights a week I think is lame. I mean really how long is soccer season? Out here it is 8 weeks.  So twice a week for 2 hours each time for 8 weeks, is only 32 hours a YEAR on this activity.  Really we are willing to make a kid miss out on trying something new because we think 32 hours of an activity is just too much?  Maybe if it was dance like my kids did (worked out to dd14 doing 6 hours a week in studio, dd6 doing 2 and ds10 doing 1 all on different days with lots of zooming from one thing to the next), or hockey with 5 am practices for 8 months, but things like soccer, or baseball  etc all have very short seasons meaning it is actually a very short time commitment over all.

 

Not every family likes the busyness of multiple kids in activities but that is the way it is if you have opted to have more than 1 child and want to ensure they can experience all they can as kids.    

 

I am confused about the accusation that this is all about the parent.

 

In a larger family, driving an older child typically means putting the younger kids in the car too.  That can add up to a lot of time for a toddler or preschooler.  What may be optimal for one child does not follow will be optimal for the siblings.

 

Then there is the fact that each family has its own values. 

 

Some families value relationships within the family.  And life skills.  And slower paced evenings. 

 

Some kids love to play on the soccer field.  Other kids prefer to rock climb and hike the back trails.

 

Experiencing all they can as kids may just as well mean protecting their time and space.

 

It's all good.

 

[Soror]

  I get that BUT ultimately these activities are not about THEM, they are about the kids and worth the sacrifice of time and energy getting them from point A to point B to experience them.  I have never heard anyone complain when they grew up that they tried too many activities growing up, but I have heard a lot complain they never got to try the one they wanted because parents didn't want to drive/deal/pay for it etc.  I mean if enrolling in something means the mortgage or groceries don't get paid yeah I can see not doing them, but just because you would have to drive more nights a week I think is lame.

It isn't just about driving, when you do activities there is an opportunity cost, it is not all pros and no cons.  More activities means that we have less quality time as a family unit, it means less meals together, it means less time seeing Dad to pay for activities and less time for sleep and relaxation for my smaller children who need it. Also, as a parent it is my job to teach my child balance in work, play and fun, which is sadly missing for many people. Some people can thrive on a busy life but unfortunately we have a culture were many do not, many kids and adults are chronically sleep deprived and stressed due to hectic schedules.

 

There are many different options in life and one cannot try them all, following one path shuts off another. Homeschooling means that certain activities aren't even available to us where I live. We cannot do every worthwhile thing because it comes at the detriment of other things that are more important, so we have to prioritize and look at what we really want to do. It is a rather privileged position to assume one can and should do everything. 

 

I think the pendulum has swung too far in this area, while great to have options all too often people become stressed at the thought of doing it all and not missing anything. So, for me not wanting to drive isn't lame but practical and an eye towards the fact that what we wish for our family culture means having a less hectic schedule than some. Everyone has a limit as well and how is one to say that one limit is fine and another is harmful? 

[NASDAQ]

I know lots of people who felt they were over-scheduled as kids. Maybe that's a time-and-place thing.

 

I can't create for my children the experience of being an only child, or of being the child of a mum who loves to drive for that matter. There are a bunch of them, closely spaced. There's only so much me, only so much money, and only so much time. Like the OP my kids are of an age where they can't be left alone, either, so if ds5 did soccer, the others would be along for the ride.

 

So anyhow, so we don't do team sports. I wouldn't do this unless I managed to work it out so I didn't have to drive (husband did it, super convenient carpool). And I'd probably kick myself all year for agreeing.

[MysteryJen]

I have been thinking about this conversation, as I drove to practices/classes today. The first thing is that only "you" can decide what is right for your family. Other people's opinions about the value of team sports, scouts, or music is just another opinion for you to consider. Every family has a different level of tolerance for activity or outside commitments. That is great.

 

For us, a family highly committed to sports, I have found a few important things. Talent is not evenly distributed between siblings. Sometimes, effort and money are not going to be evenly distributed either. However, everyone deserves a chance to find a passion. And the most talented does not get to choose the paths for other people.

 

And for me, inconvenience is not the same thing as impossible. Sometimes things are impossible, and kids understand that. But sometimes things are just inconvenient and kids see that as not mattering in the family. My talented swimmers have to wait (sometimes over an hour) for their brother, who is just average in the sports he has chosen. And that is okay- it reinforces that everyone matters and we respect the effort as much as the results. My effort at the inconvenience of all this matters as well and the kids see that.

 

 

[Χά�ων]

I would look at different leagues and find one that fits the family and sign him up. 

[swellmomma]

I am confused about the accusation that this is all about the parent.

 

In a larger family, driving an older child typically means putting the younger kids in the car too.  That can add up to a lot of time for a toddler or preschooler.  What may be optimal for one child does not follow will be optimal for the siblings.

 

Then there is the fact that each family has its own values. 

 

Some families value relationships within the family.  And life skills.  And slower paced evenings. 

 

Some kids love to play on the soccer field.  Other kids prefer to rock climb and hike the back trails.

 

Experiencing all they can as kids may just as well mean protecting their time and space.

 

It's all good.

 

There is nothing to be confused about.  When a parent says they won't enroll their kid in something just because they would find the drive a nightmare it is the parent making it about themselves.

 

I know about younger kids waiting in cars/sidelines, mine have been doing it since birth.  Ds10 was born when ds15 and dd14 were just starting out on extracurrics.  When dd6 came along I had 3 in activities.  They all have had their share of sitting and waiting for a sibling or 2 to finish up at an activity, the littles waited for the bigs and now the bigs take the youngest to her activities and wait to go back and get her themselves.  

 

I also feel that the bolded makes it seem you are saying those that have their kids in activities do not value those things.  Which is very much untrue.  

 

As for kids and wanting different activities, that much is obvious, I mentioned soccer because that is the sport the OP was talking about.  Even if every kid only participated in 1 activity if you have multiple kids you are looking at multiple nights out.  Being out of the house for 2 hours of the day, after being together in it all day does not mean one does not value relationships with the family or life skills. 

 

These are not public schooled kids away from the family unit for 8 hours of the day already.  I think homeschoolers are the ones that can take advantage of so much more out there, they are together all day a little bit of time in an organized activity once or twice a week does not suddenly make them overscheduled kids.  

 

I am not saying it is wrong to not have kids in activities, but I do think making it about yourself in your reasoning why is lame.  If you don't because you feel the child benefits from fewer outside activities great, that is about the child, if you don't because you don't feel like driving that is about you and lame.   That was my point before. 

[NASDAQ]

I don't understand why it's "lame" if mum considers her own needs when she's setting the family schedule. I think it's lame to act as if mum's needs and desires are valued at zero.

[Desert Strawberry]

We choose by the season. Right now, we have t ball/baseball. One on each team, one too young, one opted out.

After this is tennis. Oldest loves tennis, youngest is too young, other two can choose to participate or not. 

I am still looking for swim lessons. If I can find some that are doable, that won't be optional. When basketball rolls around, I will offer that up. So far, no takers, but I think gem might like it.

Don't worry about the future. Just do what works for you right now.

[mamakelly]

I drive, then I drive some more, then some more, LOL!

 

Seriously, I have 1 kid in ballet, 1 in Boy Scouts and 1 in baseball. It's crazy.

[shage]

There is nothing to be confused about.  When a parent says they won't enroll their kid in something just because they would find the drive a nightmare it is the parent making it about themselves.

 

I know about younger kids waiting in cars/sidelines, mine have been doing it since birth.  Ds10 was born when ds15 and dd14 were just starting out on extracurrics.  When dd6 came along I had 3 in activities.  They all have had their share of sitting and waiting for a sibling or 2 to finish up at an activity, the littles waited for the bigs and now the bigs take the youngest to her activities and wait to go back and get her themselves.  

 

I also feel that the bolded makes it seem you are saying those that have their kids in activities do not value those things.  Which is very much untrue.  

 

As for kids and wanting different activities, that much is obvious, I mentioned soccer because that is the sport the OP was talking about.  Even if every kid only participated in 1 activity if you have multiple kids you are looking at multiple nights out.  Being out of the house for 2 hours of the day, after being together in it all day does not mean one does not value relationships with the family or life skills. 

 

These are not public schooled kids away from the family unit for 8 hours of the day already.  I think homeschoolers are the ones that can take advantage of so much more out there, they are together all day a little bit of time in an organized activity once or twice a week does not suddenly make them overscheduled kids.  

 

I am not saying it is wrong to not have kids in activities, but I do think making it about yourself in your reasoning why is lame.  If you don't because you feel the child benefits from fewer outside activities great, that is about the child, if you don't because you don't feel like driving that is about you and lame.   That was my point before. 

 

Strictly my opinion and I mean zero offense.

 

The life you describe would have been miserable for us.  Our day did not include dh because of his work schedule, and the kids are partial to him and that has to happen on evenings and weekends.  They have learned so much from him in part because we did not do the waiting around and had/have weekends free to build and explore and head off into the mountains.

 

I know many other families similar to ours.

 

And I will restate what I said in one of my earlier posts that my thoughts might not be helpful to the OP because we would not clutter up with Awana and the like either.  Just a wrong stage of life for us to take that on, even though I am sure Awana and other Bible program creators mean very well.

 

It's not lame to think of the family as a unit and do the best with that.

[Soror]

For us, a family highly committed to sports, I have found a few important things. Talent is not evenly distributed between siblings. Sometimes, effort and money are not going to be evenly distributed either. However, everyone deserves a chance to find a passion. And the most talented does not get to choose the paths for other people.

 

And for me, inconvenience is not the same thing as impossible. Sometimes things are impossible, and kids understand that. But sometimes things are just inconvenient and kids see that as not mattering in the family. My talented swimmers have to wait (sometimes over an hour) for their brother, who is just average in the sports he has chosen. And that is okay- it reinforces that everyone matters and we respect the effort as much as the results. My effort at the inconvenience of all this matters as well and the kids see that.

I think it sounds like your family works hard to be supportive of all and that is a wonderful thing. I agree as well that our kids notice when we put in effort or when we just push them off and that can lead to feelings of resentment and disappointment. We put effort into activities, dh is Assistant Cubmaster and I'm on the board for AHG and our Co-Op group and we are starting a Robotics Club as well. We rarely miss an event of Scouts/AHG or our hs group. So, we don't shy away from doing things just because it isn't convenient, we prioritize and make things happen but there are many things on the list to prioritize, some is extra-curricular and some is family activities/time. I don't parent in a way to focus on convenience but I also do consider my needs to be valued and important in the family. 

 

There is nothing to be confused about.  When a parent says they won't enroll their kid in something just because they would find the drive a nightmare it is the parent making it about themselves.

 

 

I also feel that the bolded makes it seem you are saying those that have their kids in activities do not value those things.  Which is very much untrue.  

 

As for kids and wanting different activities, that much is obvious, I mentioned soccer because that is the sport the OP was talking about.  Even if every kid only participated in 1 activity if you have multiple kids you are looking at multiple nights out.  Being out of the house for 2 hours of the day, after being together in it all day does not mean one does not value relationships with the family or life skills. 

 

These are not public schooled kids away from the family unit for 8 hours of the day already.  I think homeschoolers are the ones that can take advantage of so much more out there, they are together all day a little bit of time in an organized activity once or twice a week does not suddenly make them overscheduled kids.  

 

I am not saying it is wrong to not have kids in activities, but I do think making it about yourself in your reasoning why is lame.  If you don't because you feel the child benefits from fewer outside activities great, that is about the child, if you don't because you don't feel like driving that is about you and lame.   That was my point before. 

 

I think the vast majority of parents value family time and they make their decisions out of love and what they feel is best. Personally, what I feel is best is to have plenty of time left for the family unit as a whole so filling up every night of the week with activities is not really conducive to that. 

 

I don't think considering the stress (along with the time, money, etc) of extra driving to be too much sometimes to be lame. As moms we are with our kids 24/7 with few breaks, mom's mental health often gets put off the list entirely and mom ends up burned out, which doesn't really lend itself to the best parenting or quality of life for mom. Some moms/parents put so much into their kids and no focus at all on themselves that there is a huge problem when the kids leave as there has been little time to focus on marriage or mom's well-being. More isn't always better and having a peaceful life for all involved is a positive. We all want to parent in a way to give our kids the most we can without sacrificing ourselves to the point that it is a detriment to parenting and living well.

 

The life you describe would have been miserable for us.  Our day did not include dh because of his work schedule, and the kids are partial to him and that has to happen on evenings and weekends.  They have learned so much from him in part because we did not do the waiting around and had/have weekends free to build and explore and head off into the mountains.

 

I 

It's not lame to think of the family as a unit and do the best with that.

We quite enjoy our time as a whole family as well. I know my most fond memories growing up were when we just hung out together and had time, with no agenda and interruptions. I love that as a family we are able to hike, bike, rock-climb, camp and canoe (just starting this one- woohoo!). I love that we work together around the house and have evenings we can go for a ride or walk together, the kids eat this up and love it, it is great family time, no one else around, lots of time to talk and enjoy each other's company. I wish I would have more options for activities that are available now as a kid BUT there is no way I would have wanted a schedule that some have and I'm thankful for the slower pace that we had growing up.

 

Ironically our schedule here is much busier than a lot of the other hs'ers that I know. Many cannot afford to do much, especially with having only one spouse working. Plenty stay busy enough with homesteading and other type activities and that works for them and their family. As I said before ds does 2 activities Scouts and TKD, dd1 and dd2 do AHG (well dd2 is too young to be official but they let her participate) both girls will be adding in dance this summer. These are scheduled though where we don't have to have separate trips for everything. We are starting Robotics next year and Art lessons as well.This summer we will be doing Scout camps and swimming lessons (I'm looking into 4h, art, VBS and soccer camps depending on how the schedule falls I hope to be able to do some of them), all of which will be a total PITA but we are going to take advantage of the opportunities, especially as they are day time classes and are at different times of the summer.

[Amy in NH]

I don't understand why it's "lame" if mum considers her own needs when she's setting the family schedule. I think it's lame to act as if mum's needs and desires are valued at zero.

 

Mum DID decide when she decided to have children/more children that she would put others' needs first some of the time. 

 

[shage]

I think it sounds like your family works hard to be supportive of all and that is a wonderful thing. I agree as well that our kids notice when we put in effort or when we just push them off and that can lead to feelings of resentment and disappointment. We put effort into activities, dh is Assistant Cubmaster and I'm on the board for AHG and our Co-Op group and we are starting a Robotics Club as well. We rarely miss an event of Scouts/AHG or our hs group. So, we don't shy away from doing things just because it isn't convenient, we prioritize and make things happen but there are many things on the list to prioritize, some is extra-curricular and some is family activities/time. I don't parent in a way to focus on convenience but I also do consider my needs to be valued and important in the family. 

 

 

I think the vast majority of parents value family time and they make their decisions out of love and what they feel is best. Personally, what I feel is best is to have plenty of time left for the family unit as a whole so filling up every night of the week with activities is not really conducive to that. 

 

I don't think considering the stress (along with the time, money, etc) of extra driving to be too much sometimes to be lame. As moms we are with our kids 24/7 with few breaks, mom's mental health often gets put off the list entirely and mom ends up burned out, which doesn't really lend itself to the best parenting or quality of life for mom. Some moms/parents put so much into their kids and no focus at all on themselves that there is a huge problem when the kids leave as there has been little time to focus on marriage or mom's well-being. More isn't always better and having a peaceful life for all involved is a positive. We all want to parent in a way to give our kids the most we can without sacrificing ourselves to the point that it is a detriment to parenting and living well.

We quite enjoy our time as a whole family as well. I know my most fond memories growing up were when we just hung out together and had time, with no agenda and interruptions. I love that as a family we are able to hike, bike, rock-climb, camp and canoe (just starting this one- woohoo!). I love that we work together around the house and have evenings we can go for a ride or walk together, the kids eat this up and love it, it is great family time, no one else around, lots of time to talk and enjoy each other's company. I wish I would have more options for activities that are available now as a kid BUT there is no way I would have wanted a schedule that some have and I'm thankful for the slower pace that we had growing up.

 

Ironically our schedule here is much busier than a lot of the other hs'ers that I know. Many cannot afford to do much, especially with having only one spouse working. Plenty stay busy enough with homesteading and other type activities and that works for them and their family. As I said before ds does 2 activities Scouts and TKD, dd1 and dd2 do AHG (well dd2 is too young to be official but they let her participate) both girls will be adding in dance this summer. These are scheduled though where we don't have to have separate trips for everything. We are starting Robotics next year and Art lessons as well.This summer we will be doing Scout camps and swimming lessons (I'm looking into 4h, art, VBS and soccer camps depending on how the schedule falls I hope to be able to do some of them), all of which will be a total PITA but we are going to take advantage of the opportunities, especially as they are day time classes and are at different times of the summer.

 

This.

 

I wonder how much of this is a flipped schedule?  What I mean is that I am much more likely to agree to a kid-only activity if it is during regular school hours or afternoon. 

 

When our robotics group was all homeschooled kids, the families pretty much insisted on everything happening before 4:00.  When we switched to a mixed public school and homeschool group, scheduling got very interesting.  The homeschoolers wanted earlier, public school families wanted/needed later. 

 

I know very few public school families who opt out of sports in the elementary school years, but I know tons of homeschoolers who do.  There are many, many daytime activities around here for homeschoolers so I am not convinced those kids are really missing out in terms of activities and social opportunities.  They're just less inclined to do the regular sports leagues during the school year. 

[Jennay]

I know how you feel. We've tended to do our main activities in groups for the kids, but there's always the temptation to add one more thing. Eventually you're driving yet somewhere else, thinking "How did I get to this point?" I'll be the poster to tell you don't take on something new right now. He's only going to be five. Buy him a soccer ball, and see if you can pick up some used shin guards and maybe cleats in his size. Set up a goal in your backyard and let him do basic stuff at home to start. If he truly loves it, re-evaluate next year.

 

Erica in OR

 Yes, and maybe you can find some other homeschool families with 5 year olds who want to play soccer.  Meet at a nearby park very in awhile and someone can give short lessons on soccer skills and then the kids can run around and play (soccer or not).

He's only going to be 5.

[MysteryJen]

Mum DID decide when she decided to have children/more children that she would put others' needs first some of the time. 

 

I have seen in a few families that the older kids get the time, money and effort. To the point where there is little left for younger siblings, who are opted out of activities that were provided to the older kids. 

 

More kids = more hassle

 

But, if the policy in the family is that kids get to pick a sport at 5, 6, or 7, that opportunity should be available to each child. And yes, it will be annoying and inconvenient, but that is life.

 

Again, every family is different and so is every child. You might refuse to do team sports and then discover one of your kids is miserable without them. Or you may find that you aren't doing sports, but you are gone every night for music and drama. Sometimes it is just a hard season. But, for me, it has been wonderful to have teens in the car who eventually have to talk to you.

[JudoMom]

There is nothing to be confused about.  When a parent says they won't enroll their kid in something just because they would find the drive a nightmare it is the parent making it about themselves.

 

I know about younger kids waiting in cars/sidelines, mine have been doing it since birth.  Ds10 was born when ds15 and dd14 were just starting out on extracurrics.  When dd6 came along I had 3 in activities.  They all have had their share of sitting and waiting for a sibling or 2 to finish up at an activity, the littles waited for the bigs and now the bigs take the youngest to her activities and wait to go back and get her themselves.  

 

I also feel that the bolded makes it seem you are saying those that have their kids in activities do not value those things.  Which is very much untrue.  

 

As for kids and wanting different activities, that much is obvious, I mentioned soccer because that is the sport the OP was talking about.  Even if every kid only participated in 1 activity if you have multiple kids you are looking at multiple nights out.  Being out of the house for 2 hours of the day, after being together in it all day does not mean one does not value relationships with the family or life skills. 

 

These are not public schooled kids away from the family unit for 8 hours of the day already.  I think homeschoolers are the ones that can take advantage of so much more out there, they are together all day a little bit of time in an organized activity once or twice a week does not suddenly make them overscheduled kids.  

 

I am not saying it is wrong to not have kids in activities, but I do think making it about yourself in your reasoning why is lame.  If you don't because you feel the child benefits from fewer outside activities great, that is about the child, if you don't because you don't feel like driving that is about you and lame.   That was my point before. 

 

In our family, Dad works all day, so the only true family time we get together is in the evening.  He's a valued part of our family.  Choosing to fill up our evenings with activities would make true family time together impossible.  And yes, from dinner time until bed time we do not go our separate ways.  We spend this time together, as a complete family unit.

 

As to calling other people's reasoning lame?  :001_rolleyes: Whatever. 

 

[JudoMom]

I have seen in a few families that the older kids get the time, money and effort. To the point where there is little left for younger siblings, who are opted out of activities that were provided to the older kids. 

 

More kids = more hassle

 

But, if the policy in the family is that kids get to pick a sport at 5, 6, or 7, that opportunity should be available to each child. And yes, it will be annoying and inconvenient, but that is life.

 

Again, every family is different and so is every child. You might refuse to do team sports and then discover one of your kids is miserable without them. Or you may find that you aren't doing sports, but you are gone every night for music and drama. Sometimes it is just a hard season. But, for me, it has been wonderful to have teens in the car who eventually have to talk to you.

 

I agree. That's one reason why we chose to set an intentional policy when all were young.  I do not regret that a bit; the slower pace was wonderful while it lasted.

 

Now that they're all older, we've entered a crazy season.  Oldest is in robotics, takes drum lessons, and will be taking a class at the high school in the fall.  He volunteers at church.  Next boy is on gymnastics team.  Younger 3 will be doing an enrichment program on 3 separate days, which means I'll be driving 1.5 extra hours on those days (but it will be fabulous talk time since it'll be 1:1 time).  All take piano and rec gymnastics.  And I work 20 hours a week.

 

You've got to do what works best for your family, right?

[shage]

I have seen in a few families that the older kids get the time, money and effort. To the point where there is little left for younger siblings, who are opted out of activities that were provided to the older kids. 

 

More kids = more hassle

 

But, if the policy in the family is that kids get to pick a sport at 5, 6, or 7, that opportunity should be available to each child. And yes, it will be annoying and inconvenient, but that is life.

 

Again, every family is different and so is every child. You might refuse to do team sports and then discover one of your kids is miserable without them. Or you may find that you aren't doing sports, but you are gone every night for music and drama. Sometimes it is just a hard season. But, for me, it has been wonderful to have teens in the car who eventually have to talk to you.

 

I hear from many, many parents that the car time is very valuable for conversations with teens.  The parents who make peace with the driving are the ones who probably understand that best.

 

The thing is, there are many other ways to connect with teens outside of the car.

 

That is where this gets to be a head scratcher for me.  I think it is absolutely wonderful that parents and teens connect in the car.  It's also absolutely wonderful when they figure out ways to connect outside of it too.

 

I think we are in complete agreement that there is no one answer to this for every family.

[texasmama]

Families vary so much in their needs, make-up, resources (internal and external), abilities, personalities, etc.  Of course one size cannot fit all.

 

My dh owns a business and offices at home. He is also the coach for our boys' basketball team.  So he spends many more hours available to our family/kids than most dads are able to.  It does make a difference in how we choose our activities. Even our volunteer work is done with a parent.  Dh takes the boys to the church food outreach ministry twice a month on Saturday while I stay home with little dd, who is too young to tolerate three plus hours of this.  I take the three little kids to the Humane Society weekly for several hours to volunteer while dh is doing other things.  When dh worked a grueling schedule in middle management including travel two nights a week, we were all ships which passed in the night.  The kids were babies/toddlers during much of this stage, so we didn't do activities.  

 

 

[Desert Strawberry]

It isn't just about driving, when you do activities there is an opportunity cost, it is not all pros and no cons.  More activities means that we have less quality time as a family unit, it means less meals together, it means less time seeing Dad to pay for activities and less time for sleep and relaxation for my smaller children who need it. Also, as a parent it is my job to teach my child balance in work, play and fun, which is sadly missing for many people. Some people can thrive on a busy life but unfortunately we have a culture were many do not, many kids and adults are chronically sleep deprived and stressed due to hectic schedules.

 

There are many different options in life and one cannot try them all, following one path shuts off another. Homeschooling means that certain activities aren't even available to us where I live. We cannot do every worthwhile thing because it comes at the detriment of other things that are more important, so we have to prioritize and look at what we really want to do. It is a rather privileged position to assume one can and should do everything. 

 

I think the pendulum has swung too far in this area, while great to have options all too often people become stressed at the thought of doing it all and not missing anything. So, for me not wanting to drive isn't lame but practical and an eye towards the fact that what we wish for our family culture means having a less hectic schedule than some. Everyone has a limit as well and how is one to say that one limit is fine and another is harmful? 

I completely agree with every word of this.

 

Yes, I want to give my kids every opportunity, but they don't have to do everything Right Now. Balance is critical, and sadly undervalued and largely absent in our current culture.

[Crimson Wife]

And again, thank you for all your replies. My MIL is making me feel like I am a terrible parent for not giving my children their own rooms and that I need to put them all in different activities until they find their "gifted ness", even my 3 YO. And yes, she is willing to pay for this exploration.

 

Learning as a kid that the universe does not revolve around you personally is a big point in favor of having medium-to-larger families IMHO. The teens and young adults I know with the worst entitlement attitudes all were either only kids or they have much older half-siblings so they were de facto only kids.

[Desert Strawberry]

Mum DID decide when she decided to have children/more children that she would put others' needs first some of the time. 

 

Some. Not all. 

 

Even mothers of many are entitled to maintain their personhood. Self-sacrifice is not virtuous.

[Alessandra]

Adding one thing: audiobooks for the car. We especially like Jim Weiss's Greathall productions. 

 

Oh, and one more thing. Some kids also like keeping track of mileage and/or marking out routes on a map. The kids do not have to be passive passengers. They can be engaged in the travel part (without actually taking the wheel of course, lol). Boy Scout Webelos has a Traveler pin that has some good activities. Mathy kids (of upper elementary age, in my experience) may actually enjoy keeping track of trips on a graph or chart. Mine did. 

[scwendy]

I would let him play soccer. 

 

What helps in our family is only allowing one activity per child.  That is not always popular in today's culture of extracurricular overload, but there is a finite amount of time in each day.  We have noticed that if we allow any more than one activity per child, it cuts too much into our time together as a family.

 

Also, what I learned two children into my five is that it is OKAY to drop an older child off at practice (if allowed) to take the younger child(ren) to their activity.  For a while, I felt bad that I could not watch every single practice, but I am COMPLETELY over that now.

 

Good luck with whatever you decide!

[Reefgazer]

Here's what I've been doing for the past several years:  I careen from activity to activity, hoping life will miraculously slow down soon.  Seriously, I don't have a good answer for you; I'm hoping to pick up some tips here myself.