Lateness in teen

[jhschool]

What do you do about lateness in a teen?

This has been going on for years, and basically I have to yell

and throw a fit for us to get out of the house on time.  If I don't,

we are late.

I have done consequences like not going, if we are going somewhere

nice, on and off, but of course it ends up punishing everyone and then

it makes for a bad rest of the day.

I have done waking up earlier, rewards for being on time, everything.

Basically he thinks it's no big deal to be 10 to 20 minutes late to

everything.  (But I usually yell and throw a fit during the getting ready time,

because I don't like being late,

so I usually prevent lateness--but at an expense).

This has been going on for years and the yelling (from me) is getting

to me.  It's too much stress having to do it every single day.

Also, he is in general very sweet, caring, and loving, but he is absolutely

perplexed (even after all these years) that this is something that would

bother me.  He genuinely believes it's a very small deal.

Maybe I'm the crazy one?  To me, punctuality is absolutely important.

If you show up late, to me it means you are disrespectful to the event

and the people running it.  I've obviously not raised him to believe this,

although I've been saying this since he was a baby.

It's getting worse for me lately because the morning stress is so much

and since I know it is going to be every day, lately I've just opted to stay home all

day and we don't do the planned activities when no one is expecting

us.  It makes for quite sad weekends.

Of course I see it in perspective with respect with someone who may

be experiencing real problems--don't get me wrong; my life in general

is very good and happy, but this one thing is a problem that I do not

know how to solve.

Sorry for the rant but after so many years I am at my wits' end.  

He is a very bright kid; he is kind and loving and hardworking; all his

teachers love him and he has tons of friends; his life is very good and

there are no real problems except what I perceive as this selfish habit

of his.  Maybe I am the problem?  I've been told

that before so I am willing to hear (and accept) that I am wrong too.

[catz]

This would be an issue for me.  It would depend what kind of stuff he is late for.  Paid classes that I think are valuable?  My kid would lose tech for the day, if not longer.  Tech/gaming is my kid's currency.  If it were his own personal stuff with friends?  I might tell him I will drive you at 3:45 for a 4pm arrival or it doesn't work for me and I'd follow through.  I'd remind him how disrespectful of others time this habit is.  Not in a mean, naggy way but in a tone like "Wow Bob must be wondering where you are right now."  It's been good for my kid to know other people's time and energies are at play.   My kid was actually pretty awful with getting out the door until this year.  Then a switch flipped and now he's usually waiting in the car for me to go ahead of time.  It also involved lists on the door of what he needs to leave and walking through how much time it takes to grab a back pack, supplies, water bottle, shoes, go to the bathroom, etc etc etc.  It's definitely been a long road and isn't perfect every day.  My kid has done more serious theater this year and lateness is never, ever tolerated.  A cast mate of his was kicked out of his current show a few weeks ago for not respecting the director's time.  That definitely changed it in his head as well.

 

Keep at it momma, it's not you, it's him.  :)

 

 

[bolt.]

I don't think it's a problem for you to value punctuality.

 

It might be a problem if you frequently convey your value as a universal value (that people are actually "bad people" if the aren't punctual, or if you assume that they must actually intend the disrespect). It doesn't sound like you are doing that.

 

It does sound like your actions value punctuality to others more than they value kindness and courtesy towards family members -- and I think that's why you are recognizing this as a problem... Because you probably "actually" value your family's heathy relationships more than you value punctuality, and you want the tension between those values to go away.

 

I have two ideas: one is to leave when you say you will leave (without him if he is unready): either consistently without any commentary; or possibly not very often --and in other cases requiring him to "ask you the favour" of waiting for him if he is behind.

 

The other is to fine him cash. Ie: go sit in the car and count the minutes, then bill him say $2 for 5 minutes or something.

 

Either way, stop chivvying him (or cut it way down) and remove the upset from the situation. One thing I have learned is that emotion takes energy. Dealing with your attempts to help/remind might be causing him small upset or stress reactions, which break focus, require his attention and form irritating distractions. Not what he needs in order to be at his best. (Minor reminders might be ok.)

[Ottakee]

If he is a teen, then I would state the time you are leaving and then just LEAVE.  No need for the rest of the family to miss out on an activity because he is not ready on time.  Either he is in the car at the appointed time and goes along or he stays home alone and misses out.

 

If he is late for things YOU are paying for then he needs to reimburse you for the cost of that class, field trip, etc. that he misses....either through missing allowance, extra chores, etc.

 

Maybe sit down and work out what needs to be done to be ready on time and therefore what time he should get up, etc. and then just totally stay hands off.  If he is ready, great, if not, no yelling, no prodding, etc.  Just everyone else gets in the car and leaves.

 

This can be a sign of ADD as well but if there aren't other concerns I would just follow along with the above plan.

[PinkyandtheBrains.]

 

 

Feel free to tell him when you are leaving, with sufficient notice to get ready. Leave with or without him at the designated time. Let the natural consequences do their thing.

 

 

No yelling, no lectures, no fuss. You've already made it clear you value punctuality.

 

It's possible he doesn't have the executive function skills yet to get out on time. It's possible he values something else more than punctuality.

[Muttichen]

Did you steal my son????

 

On the bright side, a couple of my older kids were like this and they got over it.  I can't really say how -- it's like a PP said, a switch flipped.

[Anne in CA]

My oldest had a good friend who was this way, and it was annoying to be late if we were taking her anywhere. Same thing as your ds. She is a super sweet girl, but always LATE. ARRGGG. It has really cost her as an adult. College teachers didn't like her wandering in late, she barely graduated from college, and now she is not able to maintain good employment, but she doesn't see her tardiness as the problem. 

[Redeemed7]

What about telling him you're leave time is earlier than it actually is? Then when you're not late don't let on to him or else he may figure out he can procrastinate even longer. Just throw in a couple a hurry ups we're going to be lates.

[OneStepAtATime]

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

 

I have family that cannot get anywhere on time.  It is challenging to deal with but I have poor EF skills so I understand how hard it can be.  You might read Smart but Scattered for Teens if he has any organizational skill issues.  

 

However, some people really do not get the need to arrive on time anywhere and they may be quite organized.  I agree with PP, you need to disengage from the emotional side even though that will be incredibly hard.  The two of you are in a kind of ineffectual loop  and I fully understand.  It can be difficult to get past that.  Dad and I got in a loop like that.  Not over getting out the door, but we definitely had a hard time seeing eye to eye and ended up struggling for a bit with expectations.  Yelling isn't going to help him see your point.  He is a teenager.  You may win battles but you are losing the war.

 

If he is not very organized or has trouble executing plans, then I urge you to read Smart but Scattered for Teens and create a plan for getting out the door that is workable for both of you.  ADD Friendly Ways to Organize Your Life is also really good (and I do not have ADD/ADHD but found it very useful).  Perhaps get the audio format of one of those books and have HIM listen to it, too.  As parents we expect kids by the teen years to be able to get themselves ready and out the door on time.  Or to complete chores on time and in the manner we prefer.  We just assume life skills with develop without consistent, systematic, supportive, clearly laid out, positive instruction.  But sometimes that is exactly what is needed for life skills to actually become second nature.

 

If he is very organized but genuinely does not value getting anywhere on time, or this has become something of a control issue, he may be displaying some passive aggressive tendencies to cope with a parent that has different goals and a different viewpoint than him.  It might help to read through the book Getting to Yes or Building Resilience In Children and Teens might help.  Both books are good.  The first is more for a business model but after Dad read it, he was so much calmer and more effective both at home and at work with dealing with people (including his kids :) ) and getting them to understand his point of view.  He loved that book.  He even used the techniques in that book to avert a huge rift building in the extended family.

 

And try to sit down with him, if you haven't already, to talk through this when there is no time pressure and you are both feeling good about things.  Let him know that getting places on time can be very important as he gets older.  Employers won't keep someone employed if they are consistently late.  Talk with him about the fact that his future wife, kids, friends, employer, teachers, etc. may see his lateness as disrespect and a lack of caring.  Make it clear, when you are calm and in a good mood, that while he lives at home time is a priority in your household and that you both need to talk through and find ways to get to things in a timely fashion.  But ask him what he thinks the issue is with getting ready on time and have him brain storm ways to keep the stress level down in your house and still get to everything.  Talk to him frankly and ask him to really analyze for himself why he thinks the two of you are not on the same page.  Don't judge or correct him.  Just listen.  Think about his response for a while. And see where to go from there.

 

Edited to add teens are a tricky animal, as parents know...but pushing and pushing and pushing just wears you both out.  Read some of the books above, or seek out other sources before engaging him again in a negative way.  Teens want to feel respected and they want independence and to feel like an adult, like their own person, whether they are actually making decisions that demonstrate they genuinely are mature enough to deserve that sort of treatment or not.  Meeting him at a place that gives him control, shows him you respect him even if yo don't agree with his actions, while still being provided with whatever scaffolding is necessary for him to be successful and meet your goals and expectations could save you both a lot of stress and frustration.

 

[Redeemed7]

Actually, when I think about it, you give me no hope. I thought my nine year old son would grow out of this. He always makes us late for church. I always give him advance notice to use the restroom, but he's always waiting to the last minute and he takes forever in there. He does the same with dinner. We're always waiting on him. I guess I need to take my own advice.

 

I see you can't see my advice. I don't know where my first post went. I basically suggested telling him you are leaving earlier than you need to.

[Redeemed7]

That would drive me batty. My kids are on time in large part because I'm on them constantly through the process of getting ready. I shudder to think what it would be like if I left them to their own devices. LOL Although I think over the years I've trained them to be as freaky about punctuality as I am. Might be genetic though. I'm convinced it really might be because there are some people who have no sense of urgency or concern about this whatsoever. I sometimes wish I could let go a tad, but I absolutely cannot.

 

One way I make sure I'm not late is to get ready well in advance. Like you need to be dressed and have whatever you need to bring with you ready anyway so does it matter if you get that out of the way several hours before? If you are leaving in the morning, then you get stuff ready the night before including laying out clothes, shower at night, stuff is ready to go. I don't tend to have to leave first thing in the morning though so I have time to do that during the day. But like today DS has drama class at 5. I'll make sure he is completely ready to go by noon time (dressed, script sitting in front of the door, socks and shoes at the door). I never leave that for last minute. Might seem nutso, but I've never been late anywhere ever.

Ever? I used to be on time before kids. What about when they were babies and they throw up right when you need to leave? I seem to remember a lot a diaper issues at the last minute with my breastfed kids too.

[NicksMama-Zack's Mama Too]

 

Either way, stop chivvying him (or cut it way down) and remove the upset from the situation. One thing I have learned is that emotion takes energy. Dealing with your attempts to help/remind might be causing him small upset or stress reactions, which break focus, require his attention and form irritating distractions. Not what he needs in order to be at his best. (Minor reminders might be ok.)

 

ITA.  I react very poorly to being hurried, pushed along, or when receiving a running commentary on what and how I should do things.  It just frazzles me and I makes me perform even worse.

[Aiden]

Like many previous posters said, I would just leave when I told him I would, whether he's with me or not. However, I would sit down with him sometime before I did that, when we don't have anywhere to be, and have a chat. I'd tell him how disrespectful it is to others--including to you--to be late. I'd acknowledge that sometimes it happens due to unforeseen circumstances, and it's understandable once in a while, but that when it happens *constantly*, it's one of two options: Either he doesn't care enough about the disrespect to change it, or there are some skills he needs to learn so that he *can* change it. I'd let him tell me which he thinks is true of him. Help him with any skills (planning etc) that he thinks may be a problem. But in any case, make it clear in that conversation that you will not be late on his account again. You will leave when you are saying you will leave, period. If money was spent in order for him to participate in something he no longer will be participating in, he will be expected to reimburse that wasted money. Then I'd follow through--I'd help him with the plan to be ready a few times if needed, but no matter what, I'd be leaving when I said I would.

 

Also, I would make it clear that I do see the difference between being late for appointments and being late for a casual party or hangout session with friends. The former is not to be tolerated. The latter is ok if it's customary in the social group, but--and this is important--when *you* make *your* plans to get him somewhere at a certain time and then he's late because it doesn't matter that he's late to that group, it's still disrespectful of *you* and wasteful of *your* time. So when he tells *you* what time he needs to be somewhere, he needs to be serious about that time--it's ok to say "The party starts at 7, so I should get there between 7:15 and 7:30," but it is NOT ok to say merely "The party starts at 7," and then dawdle getting ready so that he'll be there no earlier than 7:15.

[Incognito]

I probably am your son.  It is an ongoing struggle of mine.  I actually am on time or early a lot now (I think I am better at expecting to add time and take forever with kids than I was when just considering myself - I also choose not to be a part of things when the time stresses me).  However, not being late and knowing how punctual people feel about time causes me pretty strong anxiety.

 

FWIW, my advice to a mom of a kid like me would be to: hand in hand help the child through the routine of getting out the door (but with true patience, not exasperation), talk out loud about factoring in time for this or that, and teach the child to lie to themselves about how much time they have (teach them to rush themselves so they stay attuned to the task at hand).

 

For me, the issue is I do not realize the passage of time - so I could do something for a minute or ten and I don't realize how long I am taking.  Timers can help, but only if they go off at intervals to alert to the passage of time - as a deadline they don't help because the time has already been squandered when the buzzer goes off.  Also, for some reason I'd always estimate drive times based on the usual amount of time, not the usual plus 5-10 minutes to factor for those little issues that always pop up.

 

 

[zoobie]

Any other executive function type issues? Organization or... My DH's ADHD shows up in lateness more than anything some days. It's as if keeping everything together takes so much effort that it has to ooze out somewhere! I say he has space-time continuum issues. He will have a plan of 5 things to do in 90 minutes when there's not actually time to get one done. (Do you have a magic portal? It takes an hour to drive there!) He's gotten better with age, but the biggest boon is that he manages his work schedule for the most part now. He doesn't plan things before 10 am if he can help it. He would not (and did not) do well in situations where he was expected to be ON daily at 8 am. He really can't sleep before 2 am, so being able to shift even 2 hours is huge. Working with people from a culture that has a less stringent view of the clock has been eye opening for him too. He has worked with two Cuban brothers, and he will be the one sitting there waiting and frustrated. ;)

[fairfarmhand]

I have dealt with this.

 

I presented it to my dd like this.

 

I sat down and explained my case. I hate lateness because a. Rudeness (had to explain this, how it is rude to be late because my dd, self-absorbed as she is didn't get it)  b. Paid class means I'm paying for minutes of instruction that she wasn't getting and c. unprofessional, careless attitude.

 

I said, "Whether or not you agree with my reasons, they are important to me. And since I am driving, that;'s what counts. From now on I will be leaving on time. I will tell you x number of minutes before it is time to go and then I will leave. If you can't be ready, then we will go without you. " If it is an activity for her, and we're more than 5 minutes late getting out the door, then we don't go.

 

Then I said. "What do you think is the reason that you struggle with being ready on time?"

 

She thought about it. I just sat and waited. Finally she said, "Well, when I'm planning on getting ready, I think I can do everything faster than it really happens. Maybe I need to allow 10 or 15 more minutes so if someone else is in the bathroom or something it won't throw off everything. " Since then, she's been alot better about getting ready on time.

 

I do have to make sure that SHE understands clearly that this starts at x oclock. Mom has to leave at x time to get there. Then I have to mention it to her at the 30 and 15 minute till departure time to make sure that she's on task. I also need to share with her if I'm planning to stop at the store or something last minute.

 

My dh has the same issue. He plans things for if everything goes *perfectly* meaning noone is in the bathroom, shoes are in their correct places, and clothing is all ironed and ready to go.  My dd and my dh both have a terrible sense of time too, so it is a struggle.

[Jean in Newcastle]

We have a "going out the door" checklist.  It is on paper but we've gotten to the point where we don't need the paper anymore.  It goes like this - about 15 minutes before we have to be on our way, we get ready.  Socks and shoes get put on (we tend to go barefoot around here), the backpack with anything they need goes by the door, the coat either goes on or at least is draped over the backpack by the door (weather depending of course).  If there are pets to be taken care of, they get taken care of.  Then if there is extra time, the kids get to play on the computer until it is truly time to get in the car.  Ds has executive function issues and having a checklist has helped so much.  He was resistant at first but I've been firm and he's come to see how it really does help.  At first I would go over every single thing on the checklist.  Put shoes and socks on.  And I would make sure he did.  OK - now get your backpack. . .  Again, making sure he did. . .    

[Truscifi]

Ds10 struggles with this too. He doesn't realize how long it takes for him to get things done. And he is easily and frequently distracted by books, toys, daydreaming...anything really. But it sounds like your son just doesn't see it as important - I think that problem would be best served by you leaving without him if he isn't ready.

[Susan in TN]

My ds18 is frequently late especially when it is a whole-family outing, or when he is completely on his own, he's sometimes just barely on time.  He does have EF issues, a lot of difficulty making transitions, and tends to go into slow motion when he is in a real time crunch and under a lot of stress.  I literally watched him eat his breakfast in slow motion one morning, and when I brought it to his attention he had a hard time snapping out of it.  I try to have patience.  He did get to his dual enrollment class at the CC on time every week completely on his own - that was a very low stress event for him, though.

[Ottakee]

A check list might be very valuable.  Does he have a watch or cellphone where he could set an alarm or alarms for himself?

 

I find that those 2 things help keep me out of the middle of it and my ds (has fetal alcohol) does a lot better.  He will do the list but hates to be nagged about things.

[Χά�ων]

Feel free to tell him when you are leaving, with sufficient notice to get ready. Leave with or without him at the designated time. Let the natural consequences do their thing.

 

 

No yelling, no lectures, no fuss. You've already made it clear you value punctuality.

 

It's possible he doesn't have the executive function skills yet to get out on time. It's possible he values something else more than punctuality.

This.

 

If he is lacking the executive function skills needed, you will know because he is upset. Those skills can be addressed in non stressful times.

[Katy]

Well, we have one friend that's two hours early for everything.  We tell her stuff starts later than it actually does.

 

I have another aunt that's an hour and 15 minutes late for everything.  We tell her stuff starts an hour earlier than it actually does.

 

Lying.  It's highly underrated.

[saraha]

I probably am your son.  It is an ongoing struggle of mine.  I actually am on time or early a lot now (I think I am better at expecting to add time and take forever with kids than I was when just considering myself - I also choose not to be a part of things when the time stresses me).  However, not being late and knowing how punctual people feel about time causes me pretty strong anxiety.

 

FWIW, my advice to a mom of a kid like me would be to: hand in hand help the child through the routine of getting out the door (but with true patience, not exasperation), talk out loud about factoring in time for this or that, and teach the child to lie to themselves about how much time they have (teach them to rush themselves so they stay attuned to the task at hand).

 

For me, the issue is I do not realize the passage of time - so I could do something for a minute or ten and I don't realize how long I am taking.  Timers can help, but only if they go off at intervals to alert to the passage of time - as a deadline they don't help because the time has already been squandered when the buzzer goes off.  Also, for some reason I'd always estimate drive times based on the usual amount of time, not the usual plus 5-10 minutes to factor for those little issues that always pop up.

 

I wish I could do this with my husband.  I don't know how he does it, but he is always late.  I think he has absolutely no idea how long it takes to do things or get ready.  Time management is a huge issue in our house.

[J-rap]

I just wanted to say that maybe he should consider moving to Costa Rica!  :) 

 

Being punctual is very important to me too, because I think about how others are depending on it.  Being late, to me, seems like you are not thinking enough about others and their expectations/plans.

 

My daughter has been living in Costa Rica for 5 years now and it is very much NOT that way there!  They take their time and planned times mean nothing, just a general time to shoot for.   It took her quite awhile to get used to that...  waiting on an abandoned street corner waiting for someone to pick her up at 3:00, with them casually pulling in at 4:00...  That's the norm.

 

I wonder if they generally have less health problems there??

[Susan in TN]

Remembering some moments from my younger days, I think I likely had a problem with time management. I am now obsessed with clocks and need to have a clock within my sights pretty much all the time. Maybe it's OCD. I am rarely late, and it's possible that it comes from my extreme desire to avoid disappointing or inconveniencing anyone because that would cause me to have extreme feelings of shame and embarrassment. Am I starting to sound psychotic?

[Laurie4b]

You've stated very clearly that you think being on time is a major big deal and he does not think so. That is a value conflict.

 

What "being on time" means is a cultural thing.  In the white part of US culture, you are the mainstream one. In many cultures, people would be shocked at your post and think you are the rude one. I think recognizing that neither value is inherently Bad will be helpful.  If you are convinced that you are Right and he is Rude, it will not go as well as if you treat this as a discussion, and prepare to listen.

 

What I would suggest is to sit down and talk with him. We always took our kids out to eat at a restaurant when we had something important to discuss. That gives it a positive, relaxed atmosphere and everyone (parents included) is on their best behavior.   In the discussion, cover ground such as 1) your apology for yelling. You go first and don't say ", but..." ;)  That sets the tone for no one is the Right one and he is much more likely to acknowledge his wrong in the conflict if you set the example. 2) Explain your understanding of his values. Ask if you have it right. Tell him you don't get it at all and ask him to explain it. Ask if there are some things that he acknowledges punctuality is important for . Truly listen. (Even in white US culture, being 10 min late is well within polite limits for many types of activities. You may need to sort that out as well as he needs to sort out when being 10 min late truly is rude by white American standards for other activities. You might want to research this by asking friends or doing a poll on this board as to which types of activities you can be 10 min late for ahead of time. You may be surprised that while some adults share your pov, not all do.  3) Ask if he understands your perspective and have him state it so that you can correct it if he's misunderstood. 4) Find out if he is not on time because of executive function issues. Does he underestimate the time it takes to get x, y, or z done? Does he  try to fit in some small task that then makes him late? (ie check his email or something)? If there are skills he needs, you can develop a plan for those not as a parent, but as a consultant--or ask him to ask other people. 5) Decide on a plan. When will you accept 10 min late as okay and when will he be ready 5 min early? What will you do if he's later than he planned for? (Ask his input) . etc.

 

We've always found this approach works best, not that we don't sometimes get there through the "yelling-what am I doing?" route. :) But treat it as you would a discussion.

[Redeemed7]

Since he always does this, 15 minutes before you need to leave tell him you are leaving in a minute so go use the restroom now. If he says he doesn't have to, tell him to go try anyway.

Yes, good advice. I try to do this, but I'm often trying to get other things together. If I don't give him sufficient time, then I start getting frustrated because it takes him so long. And some times if I tell him to go to early, then he has to go again before we leave. I then keep telling him were going to be late which I think stresses him out and makes him take longer. You wouldn't believe how long this kid can takes in the bathroom. I always make him go before we leave or else he has to go in the middle of the service. You know his lateness is really tied to his bathroom habits. I hope it will get better with age.

[Redeemed7]

And again if you get ready way in advance you can deal with unanticipated problems. For example if my kid gets dressed and ready several hours before and oops I didn't notice he had no clean pants left, well then I have plenty of time to deal with it. If he gets dressed half an hour before we leave and doesn't have pants, I can't deal with it.

I try to do this. We even lay out our clothes the night before for church. We have "rules" on what we're supposed to do. My daughter is great. He has ADD, but I'm not sure I can blame it on that. I will say it works better when we don't have to leave early in the morning. Maybe I should get them up earlier, but I really don't want to because then I have to get up earlier. lol I still don't think it would help the bathroom issue. Oh, the problems we have. :)

 

Sorry for derailing your thread op. Hope you find something that works with your son.

[wendyroo]

I will say it works better when we don't have to leave early in the morning. 

 

I actually find the opposite.  It is easier for me to get myself and the three kids ready and out the door at 8 than at 10.  

 

I think the reason is that if we don't have to leave until 10 there is far too much free time for all of us to get busy and then have to stop what we are doing.  I get in the middle of laundry, Peter gets in the middle of building a city, Elliot takes off his clothes, Spencer spits up.  Then I have to clean and dress people again and convince everyone (myself included) that we need to set aside our activities and get in the car.

 

I find it far easier to make appointments as early as possible.  We can easily be dressed, fed, stuff packed and out the door at 8; even 7:30 if absolutely required.

 

I am another person who is never late.  Well, I remember two times in my adult life when I got stuck in a major, unexpected traffic jam, but other than that I am never late.

 

Wendy

[wendyroo]

And that is the sort of thing that is perfectly understandable.  What I notice is that those who are late tend to ALWAYS be late.  I do NOT understand that. 

 

I dated a guy in college who was ALWAYS late.  It was especially frustrating because he would choose the meeting time and place and still show up 20 to 40 minutes late.  

 

The part that totally blew my mind is that he didn't really do anything between the time he should have left and when he did.  I would watch him get ready to go to a movie and in the 30 minutes between when we should have left and when we actually got out the door, he was "busy", but didn't get anything done.  He would go to brush his teeth and notice there was a coffee mug next to the sink so he would carry it toward the kitchen but get distracted and set it down on his desk.  At his desk he would glance at a flyer for a lecture he wanted to go to in two weeks and mention that he should put that on his calendar, but he wouldn't actually do it.  He would log in to check his email, but then decide he didn't have enough time for that and log off again.  And then, oh, shoot, his teeth still aren't brushed...

 

The relationship did not last long.

 

Wendy

[jenn-]

My DH's opinion of "on time" and my definition is totally different.  For classes and appointments I should be there at least 10 minutes early.  If not, I didn't account for traffic issues.  The farther the distance to go, the earlier I had better be.  I would rather wait 45 minutes for the orthodontist appointment that is about a 90 mile drive then show up late.  Even with my "ridiculously early" leaving time, I have managed to be late there once care of a really bad accident that totally closed the northbound side of the interstate.  The only class I shoot for being within a minute or two of when class will start is for our piano lessons at our teacher's house.  He is her only student and more often then not she is coming home from another event so I don't try to be early there.  DH is of the opinion he shouldn't be anywhere more than a minute or two early and because of that, he is often a few minutes late.  At least he isn't his mother though who is typically anywhere from 30-45 minutes late for everything.

[Redeemed7]

And that is the sort of thing that is perfectly understandable. What I notice is that those who are late tend to ALWAYS be late. I do NOT understand that.

When I do things by myself or just my husband or I, we are never late. When I used to work I was never late. Sometimes I was the first at the office and had to wait for someone with a key to let me in.

 

My parents used to get in little tiffs because my dad just wasn't as concerned about being on time as my mom. He'd often think at the last minute about checking the oil or something like that. lol It was stressed by my mom to be on time. I actually wish I could be little more like my dad. He is just laid back about those things. I do think it is important to not take other peoples time for granted. However, I wish when things weren't going right that I wasn't so stressed about being late. Most people I find that are chronically late don't really stress over it. They just get going when they feel like it.

[Susan in TN]

And that is the sort of thing that is perfectly understandable. What I notice is that those who are late tend to ALWAYS be late. I do NOT understand that.

I play in a university orchestra and the concertmaster (not a student) almost always arrives precisely at concert time, which is at least 20 minutes late. One time she walked in with the straps to her sandals flopping because she "didn't have time" to buckle them. ? I don't know if she is like this in every area of her life, but it sure makes me worry that I'll have to fill in on her solos!

[jenn-]

When I do things by myself or just my husband or I, we are never late. When I used to work I was never late. Sometimes I was the first at the office and had to wait for someone with a key to let me in.

 

My parents used to get in little tiffs because my dad just wasn't as concerned about being on time as my mom. He'd often think at the last minute about checking the oil or something like that. lol It was stressed by my mom to be on time. I actually wish I could be little more like my dad. He is just laid back about those things. I do think it is important to not take other peoples time for granted. However, I wish when things weren't going right that I wasn't so stressed about being late. Most people I find that are chronically late don't really stress over it. They just get going when they feel like it.

 

OMG!  My dh does this all the time.  I rush all the kids out the door on time to get somewhere and all of a sudden it is important to check the oil before we can leave.  Drives me batty!