WWYD: Depressed teenage girl

[Chrysalis Academy]

My dd told me something really disturbing today and I'm not sure what to do with the information.  An older girl (15) in her theater company was crying today before the show, and my dd went and sat down beside her and tried to comfort her.  She's known this girl for years, but they aren't close - my dd is 11 - but today this girl really opened up to dd and expressed her feelings of depression, hopelessness, and sadness.  She then immediately demanded that my dd promise not to tell her parents (who are the directors of the theater company).  My dd promised, but she told me about it, and now I'm not sure what I should do.  Should I talk to this girl's parents?  Do I worry about this girl getting angry at my dd for telling me?  Do I worry about my dd getting blowback from this girl for telling me?  I'm primarily worried about this girl - it's hard to tell if it was just a bad PMS day, or if there is something more serious going on with her - but I'm also 1) glad my dd came to me with this, and 2) not wanting to do anything to make her hesitate to come to me in the future.

 

What wouild you do in this situation?

[Critterfixer]

I couldn't tell you what to do, but if the situation had been reversed, what would you want to happen? 

[regentrude]

If I had the feeling that the teen was dealing with actual depression as opposed to simply being a little bit sad, I would consider her safety my top priority and notify the parents - and accept any fallout that might have for the relationship between my DD and the girl. Parents need to know when teens are feeling depressed and hopeless.This is IMO the one situation where I would not feel bound by a promise not to tell.

If it was my child, I would want to know. I'd rather have my kid be mad at her friend but alive.

[Mergath]

I would probably call the parents and tell them.  It's not fair to make your dd shoulder the burden of this girl's depression, and being the only one who knows about it.  If the girl is clinically depressed and something happens because of that (a suicide attempt, etc.) your dd is going to feel responsible, and that's way too much for a kid that young to handle.

[Chris in VA]

^^agreeing

 

Also equip your dd with words of what to say when she gets confided in this way. IDK if this is best, but maybe something like, "You know, my mom is so terrific, she told me I can go to her for help when I feel this way, and even when people I know feel this way. She's really good at helping."

[Jennifer in MI]

One of my best friends in high school shared with me that she was depressed.  I told my dad.  My dad told her mom.  I was mortified, but I knew he was right.  My friend THANKED me a few weeks later as her mom got her the help she needed.  So, I agree with the others.

 

 

[Ravin]

I had more than one friend as a young teen confide in me like this and later suicide or attempt suicide. I wished I'd been confident enough in my relationship with them to tell my parents and put it in their hands. I remember feeling completely helpless and mystified by their behavior, and powerless and shocked...but at least one of them was really where she was at BECAUSE OF her relationship with her parents, and telling them would really not have helped. Telling a school counselor might have.

 

I don't really have an answer for  you, except who I told would have everything to do with whether I thought the parents were part of the problem. In that case I'd go to the child's school counselor or pastor. If it's a homeschooled child without that sort of community connection, I'd go to their parents and keep my ear to the ground--inaction might cue me to call child services.

 

My daughter DID tell me about a friend making death threats--in a cry for help sort of way, not serious ones, but I talked to the school who talked to her parents. She wrote an apology letter--I wish I could talk to her parents and know more of what's going on, is she getting help? Because the "threats" were obviously a cry for help, not something that needed punishing, kwim?

[katilac]

Hmm, that's a tough one. It really depends on what was said, and how it was said - was it routine teen angst, or genuine despair? That's pretty difficult to suss out when your dd isn't even close with the girl. 

 

If she threw up blatant red flags, I'd certainly talk to the parents. But if it was I hate my parents, my life sucks, well, that's a little harder to judge. Your post doesn't make it sound like anything very alarming was said, so I'd probably just go on alert for a bit. I have a 15-yr-old of my own, plus many that I borrow, and I could drown in the ocean of tears that they've cried. 

 

I do find it somewhat strange that a 15-yr-old confided these things to an 11-yr-old that she isn't close to, but maybe your dd just caught her in a weak moment when she really needed to talk. 

 

[Chrysalis Academy]

That is what makes it hard - I don't know the girl well enough to know whether this is a serious despair or depression, or whether it is more routine teen/hormonal angst and she was just having a bad day.  She is, quite literally, a drama queen - theater is her life.  She has always expressed herself with a great deal of drama.

 

I do know that her parents are very caring people whose lives revolve around kids - they are youth theater directors.  I don't know them well but I respect them.  

 

But what flashed into my mind when dd was telling me the story was "cry for help."  And what y'all said about what I would want if I was the parent and this was my kid?  I'd want someone to tell me.  

 

Some of the things she said that stick out was that anxiety disorders run in her family, that people in her family have self-medicated with drugs and alcohol, and that she doesn't want to do this but doesn't know what else to do.  She also mentioned being put on birth control pills to try and control the mood swings - I don't know if this has happened or was being contemplated.  She said she felt hopeless and she doesn't know what to do.  When dd asked if there was anything she could do to help, the girl said, "Not unless you have a gun."  

 

 

Like I said, this kind of screamed "cry for help" to me, especially when said to an 11 year old theater mate that you aren't that close to in everyday life.

 

She was also totally adamant that dd promise, swear, not to tell her parents.  DD said she wouldn't, which she didn't, but she did tell me.  I told her that the responsibility was not on her shoulders, it is now on mine.  She's ok with me doing whatever I think is right.

 

[OneStepAtATime]

With the additional information you shared I do think I would cautiously approach the parents and express concern.  

[reign]

I find it very odd that a fifteen year old would tell a eleven year old all that. Maybe she was upset but also wanted to freak your kid out a bit. Maybe she is really depressed and it all just came spilling out. Either way telling her parents seems like the best thing to do.

[Annie G]

Well, dd promised not to tell the girl's parents.  She didn't. And you made no such promise. 

But I wonder how much of this is short term stress- stress of show week, school finals coming up, whatever.  It's hard to say whether it's really a cause for concern or not.  Since neither you nor dd know the girl that well, it's a tough call to make.  

I can't begin to count the number of girls who broke down during tech weeks when our kids were doing theater. And they're getting younger- used to be the 16 year olds and now even the 10 year olds are doing it.  But then again, we've had more than one teen in the theater company try to commit suicide so it's definitely a scary situation to know a teen is struggling but not tell parents. 

 

[Ivey]

From the extra information in your second post (I don't want to quote), I do think you should call the girl's parents. These are heavy issues for a 15-year-old, and I would want to know if my teen was feeling this lost and thinking about self-medicating. Even if they know about her issues, any extra information can only help them to help her. 

[Elisabet1]

I don't think I would go to the parents. I would maybe talk to the girl, but, I would not go to the parents. You don't know what the home life is like. If she felt she could tell an 11 yr old about it, but still has not told her parents and her parents have not noticed, I would not go to the parents.

[goldberry]

I went through this with DD about a year ago.  A fairly new friend told DD about some very deep depression and borderline suicidal thoughts, and swore her to 'not tell'.  DD was raised with "you don't keep a secret when someone could be hurt".  So she told me.  DD then encouraged friend to tell her mom, told her that she told me because she cared about her and it was too serious to keep secret.  DD knew if friend decided not to go to her parents, I was going to the parents. 

 

Friend went to parents, parents called me to tell me "everything was fine, I didn't need to worry, thanks, bye".    Friend was still very mean to my DD about coming to me.  DD decided that she did the right thing, and that friend was wrong to be so mean about it.  It ended the friendship.

 

I still think of friend and hope she is ok.  But it was clear the parents did not want us involved. 

 

It was the right thing to do though, and I was proud DD both handled it right and stood by the decision.

[Elisabet1]

Remember that not all parents are like you. So, I would go with talking to the child, or even talking to the child's teachers if she is not homeschooled. Maybe call the child's school and talk to the school counselors. They will know the girl better and be able to handle things better and talk to the girl themselves.

[Katy]

I would talk to the parents.  They need to sort out if it was drama or a cry for help, not you.

 

And a side note, since she mentioned being put on the pill:

 

My sister was depressed to the point of being disabled several times as a teen.  It started shortly after being put on the pill for heavy and painful periods at 14 years old. She literally only came out of it when she ran out of birth control pills in college and was either too lazy or too broke to go get some more. She didn't realize the hormones triggered her depression until she got married and the depression came back.  Her husband noticed a marked change within a few days of taking the pill.

 

When a family member passed away I was struck with depression too, moreso than grief.  My sister recognized what was happening with me and recalled I'd changed brands of the pill a few days before the person died.  I'd gotten prescribed antidepressants, but she demanded I get off the hormones before I tried anything else.  She was right.  In less than two days I felt like myself again.  Still grieving, but able to control my emotions and get out of bed.

 

Since then I've had three friends go through depression and every one of them got better when they went OFF the pill.  I'm not anti birth control and I've continued to use it from time to time myself, but I'm careful to notice when changing kinds if it effects my mood or not.

[J-rap]

I would probably bring it up with her parents, if I had a good feeling about them...  But I think at the very least, I would bring it up with her school nurse.  Could you do that?  I did that once with a girl who was a friend of my daughter's.  I was concerned that her problems might be partly stemming from her home situation, so I felt uncomfortable talking to her parents.  I called the high school nurse and expressed my concerns to her.  She told me that someone else had called her about this same girl a few days before!  This nurse was really on the ball and she did get involved.  And of course she never mentioned to the girl that I called her.

[zoobie]

I would go to her parents. If it is a cry for help or if she's just being a drama queen, they need to know. She's 15 and throwing around threats with guns is not appropriate/acceptable behavior. Especially dumping that on a much younger child... Something's not right.