Thanks for the input

[PuddleJumper1]

I'm not one to post and delete but I forgot this is a public forum. I'm on several forums and many of them are private. I would hate to cause anyone heartache if there is anyone local to me on here. That would bother me more than the original issue. 

 

Thank you all for your posts! 

 

 

[vonfirmath]

I don't know if its normal or not. But if the mom isn't for the friendship, even if the daughter is... It may be effectively the end of the friendship regardless.

 

I'm sorry.

 

Could you leave the frienship on "back burner" status for now -- for another year or two until the daughter has transportation and more ability to make decisions on her own.

 

I know my dad intercepted a letter for my sister from a friend at about this age. The friend had sent back her picture all cut up. He silently disposed of it and didn't say anything to my sister about it.  Now they are friends, once again, on Facebook. She's matured into a lovely young lady with two sons of her own. As far as I know, there is no explanation for what happened so many years ago. But she's gotten together with my sister as an adult now and they've had fun on occasions. So I'm glad the door was kept open for that.

 

 

[gaillardia]

It sounds to me like the mom is the one deciding for T and as long as that is in the equation...I would let it go but I know it must be really hard and painful. I speak from the position of having two daughters who don't have any true bff. Third daughter has a good friend but she is always kept very busy with sports, music and school.

[catz]

Well, Mom is being an immature jerk but I can see how it would be difficult to foster a relationship between 2 kids when you don't get along with the other parent. It's highly unlikely that the dd really wants to end the relationship but since they're not old enough to drive and get together on their own, they are kind of a package deal. Since you initially ended the relationship with the mom, I would just let it completely drop. Toxic parents tend to produce toxic kids, so maybe the end of that relationship is for the best anyway.

[Lolly]

I agree that this is probably coming from the mother, not the dd. I'm sorry it is working otu this way, but it probably is best if you just let it go.

[MysteryJen]

Whoa, flashback to high school....

 

The same thing (minus parental involvement) happened to me. My friend of almost ten years just stopped talking to me. I tried to get her to talk and she told me to call later. I did and she took the phone off the hook. A busy signal for hours.

 

I am so sorry. It was really hard and bewildering and I wondered what I had done for years. I guess I finally realized that I hadn't done anything and if she was too immature to tell me, I would not issue a blanket apology for all that I had said and done for the years we were friends.

 

Her parents still talked to me, we all went to church together. I was invited to her wedding. Finally talked to her about two years ago and I guess, everything is okay now.

:grouphug: to your dd.

So sorry.

[lavender's green]

I agree that it sounds like it's coming from the mom.  I'd let it go, but keep the door open.  Some day the girl will have her own transportation and/or have more freedom from her parents, and in time the friendship may blossom again.  :grouphug:   I'm sorry for your DD.  It sounds crushing.

 

Sometimes it helps to write the blasting letter/email but never send it.  ;)

[AK_Mom4]

I'm sorry, OP.  This sounds tough.

 

But I can totally understand that if you broke off the friendship with the mom that she would want to cut ties completely between your families.  Seeing your DD would just remind her that you don't want to be friends with her any more and that would be painful.

 

I think the ony thing you can do is to move on with your lives.  Maybe the hurt will heal over eventually and "T" will be able to contact your DD again.

[bettyandbob]

What would I do? 

 

I would not communicate with the family anymore about this matter. I cannot think of anything I could say or do that would get a positive reaction. So, time move on. Do not waste energy on this because it could mostly just get worse. 

 

I would give dd a hug and plan something fun to do Friday. 

 

I would encourage contact with other girls and pursuit of activities dd likes that will fill her time. 

 

I would prepare dd to expect that anytime she runs into the other girls unplanned there will probably some friendly interaction. There will be no way to know that the interaction is fake. The only response is to be friendly and expect nothing from it. Additionally, I'd let her know if the interaction is unfriendly to just move away from the seen. 

[Jean in Newcastle]

I agree that this obviously came from mom.  I do, however, find it odd that you would tell another parent what their daughter needed to do (ie. to contact your daughter).  

[Kathryn]

As other do, I believe this is coming from the mom. I actually don't find it all that strange of a thing for her to do, given how you said things are between the two of you. I would tell DD what is going on and emphasize that this has nothing to do with her, that she's just been caught in the mom's crossfire.

[QueenCat]

I would probably discourage my child from hanging out with a child whose mother found me to be unacceptable as a friend. I would not forbid my child from hanging out with said child in group settings but we would not be going back & forth between houses. And I would not take it kindly if I was told that my child "had" to contact someone else's child to let them know what was going on after I had already clearly told their parent that there would be no hanging out. I would let my own child know why we were not hanging out, and at this age, I'd probably say "Sweet C's mom does not believe I am worthy of friendship. I find it uncomfortable for you to be hanging out on your own in her home. However, you may certainly talk to Sweet C when you see her at church or in other social settings".

[momto10blessings]

No advice, but just wanted to give my sympathy. How sad :(

[Garga]

Sounds to me like T still wants to be friends and her mother won't let her.  Her mother may have been ranting and raving about you and your dd and her daughter might have "agreed" just because of the barrage, so now Toxic Mom has convinced herself that T honestly doesn't want to be friends with your dd.  

 

 

I believe T wants to be friends, but can't because of her mom.

[theYoungerMrsWarde]

Reading the OP, this sounds like the friendship ending is coming from the mother, not the daughter.

[Chelli]

I wouldn't be the least bit shocked if your dd's friend has no idea her mom even replied to you this way.

 

It sound like the mom is trying to hurt you by hurting your dd. 

 

Unfortunately you need to tell your dd what has happened.

 

Maybe if dd's friend shows up at church again she can say something to her.

 

:grouphug:  for you and your dd.

[Mrs Mungo]

<snip>In full disclosure the mom is a woman I recently ended a long term friendship with as it had become quite toxic over the last year. My dh has been asking me to walk away from my friendship with the mom for years. I just recently made that move. However, the girls relationship has never been based on my interaction with mom. They were friends before we were.

 <snip>

 

Would you (as a mom) respond in anyway or just let it go?

Under these circumstances, I would say that they don't want the families engaging in general. I would let it go.

[zoobie]

I'd guess retribution from the mother, but I don't think there's anything you can (or should) do. The girls can rekindle in a few years when they have more individual freedom. I'm so sorry for your DD. :(

[Danestress]

The fact that the girls had so little contact for a few months sort of tells me another part of the story  - that this girl wasn't really all that anxious to see your daughter or talk to her anyway.  If she had a heart's desire to talk to her old friend, she would have answered her emails or figured out how to contact her some other way.

 

It doesn't surprise me that she was nice at church, either.  16 year olds don't always know how to navigate this kind of complexity.  She may have gone overboard on the "friendly" because she didn't know what else to do.  I don't find that surprising given her age, and while it might seem "two faced," she probably was nervous.  Or maybe she really has fond feelings for your daughter and was thrilled to see her, but after thinking about it, doesn't want to start getting together again.  Sometimes "two faced" comes from really being of "two minds" about a situation.  Since her mother may have been really upset about the "date plans," the girl might have just decided it wasn't worth it. 

 

I do tend to think this might be coming more from the Mom than from the daughter, but if the daughter wanted to have contact with your girl, she probably could have figured out how.  I think you should let this go.  I would NOT send an angry email back to her.  Your daughter is almost an adult.  If they want to reconnect on facebook (or whatever vehicle exists two years from now) they will. In the meantime, the daughter can explain herself to your daughter if she feels like it. I know adult women (nice ones, even) who simply would not be able to handle calling to say, "Hey, I don't want to be friends anymore, and here is why."  I would have grace for a 16 year old in that situation.

 

If the daughter doesn't even know her mother did this, eventually she will contact DD, not even knowing there is a problem.  Or she won't, because she has moved past the friendship.  Either way, I think your job is to help your daughter cope.  Being dumped by a friend is devastating.  It's so sad that adult problems may have affected a great childhood friendship, and I am sorry for both of you.

[poppy]

Honest feedback: this is a really strange post, because you don't mention the context of you dropping the girl's mother until the end of the post.  And you seem far more upset about how the friendship was ended than the loss of the girl in your daughter's life.

 

I'm sorry your family is having a tough time with this.  I think ending ties between the families is probably for the best. And I do not blame her for not accepting your demands about how her daughter should behave.

 

[PuddleJumper1]

Thank you all for your perspectives. It was enough for me just to type it out here. I'm just letting the whole thing drop. My rational side usually wins and there will be no more contact from me.

 

I appreciate you all taking the time to give me some input.

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Chris in VA]

^^Or the other girl was kept from contacting your dd by her mom. It sounds like the mom didn't share your recent decline of friendship with her husband, so he was just blithely assuming it'd be fine for their dd to be with yours. I can just picture the convo between the husband and wife when THAT happened.

 

So sorry. I would not call the other girl two-faced at all. I agree with the poster who said she may have been anxious, but I'll bet it was more likely that the mom didn't share anything re your friendship with her until she found out that plans were being made.  I'm totally on Team Mom Is Keeping Her DD Away. Other dd might feel some hurt that you find her mom unacceptable--we tend to defend our family members (at least many do). But my money is on the other girl really wanting a friendship.

 

Many hugs.

[Catwoman]

I'll bet the mom told her dd that your dd was the one who ended the friendship and that she has no clue that her mom pulled a fast one.

 

The mom probably said she'd spoken with you about the girls getting together and that you'd told her that your dd doesn't want to be friends with her dd anymore.

 

Please let your dd know that her friend may have had absolutely nothing to do with any of this. I would also suspect that the mom may have been deleting your dd's emails before her dd could read them, and that could by why she hasn't responded to them.

 

Sorry to sound so paranoid, but if the girl was happy to see your dd, the prior non-response to emails and current "I don't want to be friends anymore" attitude seems very inconsistent.

[bolt.]

It seems to me that T isn't your dd's friend, and hasn't been for months. Being immature, she first did nothing, then "acted normally" when they met in person, then declined an invitation and plans to resume doing nothing. She doesn't want this friendship (though she is capable of either "faking it" or "giving it one last chance" this past Sunday).

 

I imagine if the invite had been given in person, T would have felt awkward about wanting to say no: maybe she would have accepted, or maybe she would have said no... Either way, given the "email between mothers" scenario, it's easy for T to say, "Just tell her no." (Don't you want to be friends any more?) "No. I like my other friends better." (OK, I'll tell her.)

 

Yes, good grown ups should let old friends know that they are being dropped -- but even lost of us don't do that. We just move on and stop hanging out with friends that we want up drop. It's softer, less confrontational, just drifting apart... So it's no surprise that terms make the sane choice (somewhat more clumsily).

 

Therefore -- what would I do? I'd say, "T said she isn't coming on Fri. Lets do xyz instead. I think T is drifting out of your friendship. How do you feel about that sort of thing? Have you had friendships fade before? Can I help at all?"

 

For myself: if I had a 16 year old that wanted to drop a friendship in this way, I'd encourage her to try to "drift away" rather than confront -- and even if I thought a hard conversation was the right thing, I wouldn't "make" her conduct her social life my way. I'd definitely "let" her make a bad decision. I don't think I'd "pick that battle" to jump into a controlling role in the social life of a late teen. (It would basically take sex, lawbreaking or malicious bullying to draw me into taking control of social decisions at that age.., I'd advise, but not make rulings and/or force actions.)