An older relative won't bathe. Options?

[Tiramisu]

The most meticulous woman in the world is not anymore. She'll have her hair washed by us but won't bathe. If anyone has any experiences or suggestions to share, I'd appreciate it.

[TechWife]

How very difficult! It sounds like it's time for your family to learn how to help her do this. Shower chairs are very helpful. Does she qualify for home health care? If so, a home health aide would be able to help her do this. If not, you could probably pay an agency privately to have someone come out and teach family members how to do this safely. 

 

So sorry you are going through this. 

[BigMamaBird]

My Grandma was also very meticulous.  When she was dying, she moved in with us.  She had serious mobility issues and was VERY afraid of falling, especially in the bath.  The slipperiness of the water and her nakedness made her feel especially vunerable.  My parents had one of those step over tubs and it was hard for her to get in.  So many days she just wouldn't bathe.  She'd do a bird bath with a towel in the sink though.  My parents wound up buying a shower chair and some heavy duty wall grips to help her and my Mom ended up being with her the whole time.  It was really hard for Grandma who was such a dignified, private lady.  

 

Many medical supply places will sell shower aides as well as these pre-packaged giant baby wipes (for lack of a better word) that can be microwaved until warm and used for clensing.

[Julie Smith]

My FIL wouldn't wash as often as he should. But he has never been the cleanest guy. His problem is not mobility, it is lack of caring to do so.  If lack of caring, or accepting that it should be done is the case it is very difficult. I wish you luck. :)

[mytwomonkeys]

Is she on any medication? Changes to medication? In my previous life I was a social worker in geriatrics. Hygiene decline was often a first sign of medication issues or depression - just a thought. If not, I would still discuss it with a geriatric doctor. It really is usually bigger than just refusing to bathe. Hugs.

[AmyontheFarm]

We had to talk with grandma and explain, either Mom helped her shower or a stranger would come and help her shower.  She actually chose the stranger.  So, we had an agency come in.  Grandma was embarrassed that her children had to help her with so many things and the straw that broke the camel's back was showering.  We already had a great shower chair that let her sit out side the tub and slide on into the shower, so there was no need to step over the tub edge.  We also installed an extra long shower hose nozzle to make it easier for the aid to help shower Grandma.  Finally, since we lived next door, I made sure none of us went over there until the aid left.  That way Grandma was dressed and ready to receive visitors.  I think that gave her some dignity.

 

Talk with your dear one and share this story.  Maybe, she can explain what her concerns/fears are.

[applethyme]

I she will only take a bird bath put a cap full of yellow Listerine in the water.  I will cut all the odors and not dry out the skin.

[lavender's green]

My grandma recently went through this and an aunt bought her a special bathtub where you walk in (don't have to step over anything), sit down, and close the door, then it fills up with water.  I think it cost a pretty penny, but grandma loves it and is bathing again.

[Tiramisu]

Is she on any medication? Changes to medication? In my previous life I was a social worker in geriatrics. Hygiene decline was often a first sign of medication issues or depression - just a thought. If not, I would still discuss it with a geriatric doctor. It really is usually bigger than just refusing to bathe. Hugs.

 

You are correct. My uncle died eight years ago and that devastated her. She stopped cooking then and hasn't been the same. In the last six months, she's not washed the way she always did. She has developed fairly severe short term memory problems. She was always a gentle person but is now lashing out at my grandfather. I would say it's dementia of some kind. She goes to the doctor regularly but it's a major ordeal. She hates doctors, always has, and only goes because she is made to go. Her doctor is very experienced but didn't have much to say that would help. She has mild diabetes and is on blood thinner for arrhythmia. She has had high blood pressure for a long time. It is now under control but for years, it was unresponsive to meds. Otherwise, she's never had any medical problems; but even if she did, she was always the type to ignore them.

[Tiramisu]

My grandma recently went through this and an aunt bought her a special bathtub where you walk in (don't have to step over anything), sit down, and close the door, then it fills up with water.  I think it cost a pretty penny, but grandma loves it and is bathing again.

 

What a great idea! Does it fit into a regular bath?

[Tiramisu]

We had to talk with grandma and explain, either Mom helped her shower or a stranger would come and help her shower.  She actually chose the stranger.  So, we had an agency come in.  Grandma was embarrassed that her children had to help her with so many things and the straw that broke the camel's back was showering.  We already had a great shower chair that let her sit out side the tub and slide on into the shower, so there was no need to step over the tub edge.  We also installed an extra long shower hose nozzle to make it easier for the aid to help shower Grandma.  Finally, since we lived next door, I made sure none of us went over there until the aid left.  That way Grandma was dressed and ready to receive visitors.  I think that gave her some dignity.

 

Talk with your dear one and share this story.  Maybe, she can explain what her concerns/fears are.

 

I think you hit the nail on the head. She is horribly embarrassed about anything to have to do with nudity and would find being bathed by anyone completely humiliating. 

 

She has a shower chair and a stall shower to step into. When dh installed a long shower nozzle for my grandfather because of a medical need, she complained endlessly and I think it may have been taken down. I think I'm going to check on that because we have to do something.

[Tiramisu]

How very difficult! It sounds like it's time for your family to learn how to help her do this. Shower chairs are very helpful. Does she qualify for home health care? If so, a home health aide would be able to help her do this. If not, you could probably pay an agency privately to have someone come out and teach family members how to do this safely. 

 

So sorry you are going through this. 

 

I don't think she has any medical conditions that would qualify her for this. I'm going to bring it up, though. It may be better to be proactive because it's not going to get any better.

[Tiramisu]

My Grandma was also very meticulous.  When she was dying, she moved in with us.  She had serious mobility issues and was VERY afraid of falling, especially in the bath.  The slipperiness of the water and her nakedness made her feel especially vunerable.  My parents had one of those step over tubs and it was hard for her to get in.  So many days she just wouldn't bathe.  She'd do a bird bath with a towel in the sink though.  My parents wound up buying a shower chair and some heavy duty wall grips to help her and my Mom ended up being with her the whole time.  It was really hard for Grandma who was such a dignified, private lady.  

 

Many medical supply places will sell shower aides as well as these pre-packaged giant baby wipes (for lack of a better word) that can be microwaved until warm and used for clensing.

 

Thanks for the wipes idea. That might be a decent short term solution.

[texasmama]

Has she been to a neurologist?  Dh's grandmother (whose care and affairs we oversee) was diagnosed with advanced Alzheimers last year.  We knew she had memory issues, but it was truly surprising to see the evaluation and results.  It helped so much with understanding the cause and also getting some medications to help her with anxiety.  Not bathing is a very common progression of dementia.  Dementia in and of itself will not generally get a person qualified for home health care, but with other medical issues, she may well qualify.

[SweetMissMagnolia]

we have to remind FIL (dh's dad) to take showers-we got him a shower chair and one of those shower heads that come off so you can hold it....I've seen large wet wipe things in the area around the incontinence area of the store those might be helpful....kind of a sponge bath?

[Tiramisu]

Has she been to a neurologist?  Dh's grandmother (whose care and affairs we oversee) was diagnosed with advanced Alzheimers last year.  We knew she had memory issues, but it was truly surprising to see the evaluation and results.  It helped so much with understanding the cause and also getting some medications to help her with anxiety.  Not bathing is a very common progression of dementia.  Dementia in and of itself will not generally get a person qualified for home health care, but with other medical issues, she may well qualify.

 

Your idea is good. I don't think she will cooperate at all. Because she is so stubborn, my grandfather can only do what is absolutely necessary. 

[Stuart]

My grandmother is the same way. She claims she gets so cold. I think fear of falling and embarrassment are key players in the problem. My mom purchased a small space heater for the bathroom. We put it on to warn the bathroom before she goes in and keep it roaring during and after. She still protests going in bit she is always happy to "have a nice shower" after it is done.

[Moxie]

When my MIL broke her leg, I was amazed at the devices out there to help with safety and mobility. I don't know where to send you but it sounds like you need to do some research on what is available to help the elderly feel safe in the shower.

[gracesteacher]

We have to convience mom she called me over there to take a shower and the faster we do it the fast she can see my daughter

[VaKim]

Shoot, I am not elderly nor senile (not much anyway) and I already do not want anybody in the bathroom with me when I take a bath! Not even dh! When I was in the hospital, I was so glad nobody tried to give me a sponge bath! If they had, I was gonna refuse. Do whatever you can to preserve her dignity and keep her safe. Also, she probably really doesn't need to bathe more than once a week, unless she has a really bad odor problem. Our society is way to obsessive about showers, in my opinion.

[magnificent_baby]

My Grandma was also very meticulous.  When she was dying, she moved in with us.  She had serious mobility issues and was VERY afraid of falling, especially in the bath.  The slipperiness of the water and her nakedness made her feel especially vunerable.  My parents had one of those step over tubs and it was hard for her to get in.  So many days she just wouldn't bathe.  She'd do a bird bath with a towel in the sink though.  My parents wound up buying a shower chair and some heavy duty wall grips to help her and my Mom ended up being with her the whole time.  It was really hard for Grandma who was such a dignified, private lady.  

 

Many medical supply places will sell shower aides as well as these pre-packaged giant baby wipes (for lack of a better word) that can be microwaved until warm and used for clensing.

 

:iagree:  :iagree:

 

We used these in ICU. They are heavenly. Our patients loved them. The brand we used was called Comfort Bath. You can buy them on Amazon, fairly reasonable. 

[Lara in Colo]

I was going to suggest the walk in tub idea too-- they are expensive, but they look great and I wouldn't mind having one either!!

 

here is a link for an example

 

http://www.envywalkintubs.com/awards.html?mm_replace=true&utm_campaign=10153&custom1=db0a320e794911e389041231391374b1&utm_term=walk%20in%20tub%20for%20elderly&utm_medium=google&mm_campaign=EF88EE99A58FE245610B392E0049B3E0&utm_source=trada&keyword=placeholder&utm_nooverride=1&utm_content=34432664845

 

 

[Carol in Cal.]

Good ideas so far, and in addition I know an elderly woman who stopped bathing often enough because it made her skin dry out and itch.  She would be extremely uncomfortable for a couple of days, and she dreaded it.  I am not sure what the solution is, but that can be a factor in resistance also.

[SKL]

My mom has a difficult time getting to / into / out of the tub (it is upstairs and her room is downstairs).  She has some large bathing wipes that she uses in between actual baths.

[Laura Corin]

How is she physically?  My mother (90 this year) is finding the smallest action completely exhausting.  She may just not have the energy.

 

I don't have any helpful suggestions though.

 

L

[AmyontheFarm]

Good ideas so far, and in addition I know an elderly woman who stopped bathing often enough because it made her skin dry out and itch.  She would be extremely uncomfortable for a couple of days, and she dreaded it.  I am not sure what the solution is, but that can be a factor in resistance also.

 

That's a good point.  If she has extremely dry skin, she might need to be encouraged use a moisturizing lotion.  There is no reason our dear seniors should ever be uncomfortable in their own skin.

 

[Tiramisu]

That's a good point.  If she has extremely dry skin, she might need to be encouraged use a moisturizing lotion.  There is no reason our dear seniors should ever be uncomfortable in their own skin.

 

 

I think it's more of a mental thing. 

[Tammyla]

I hope you can find the solution.  The ideas listed in this thread are all good ones.  I would make the list and have her look over it, and then choose the best option for her.  I would definately get some of those bathing/wipes asap to have on hand until a better solution can be found.

 

My sil's fil refused to bath for a very long time; he was a farmer and just sitting in a room with him became difficult.  It really hurt my heart to listen to them tease him.

[Melissa in Australia]

Shoot, I am not elderly nor senile (not much anyway) and I already do not want anybody in the bathroom with me when I take a bath! Not even dh! When I was in the hospital, I was so glad nobody tried to give me a sponge bath! If they had, I was gonna refuse. Do whatever you can to preserve her dignity and keep her safe. Also, she probably really doesn't need to bathe more than once a week, unless she has a really bad odor problem. Our society is way to obsessive about showers, in my opinion.

 

:iagree:

 

When I worked as a PC in aged care I went to elderly people's homes and assisted them in the shower. Most only had a shower once a week. only a very small few needed a shower 2 x a week and that was more to do with having someone checking on them.

[Tiramisu]

Thank you for all the replies. I think we are going to do a family intervention soon. She is just too stinky and we are worried for her health. I think we may need to think about the way that would be the least humiliating for her. The first step is to see if they have a shower nozzle that she can hold while she sits on the shower chair.

[VeteranMom]

Is she afraid of falling?  If so, she might need some assistance.  I don't know if she has a shower chair and grab bars in her shower, but those might help.  Having someone to help in and out of the shower might help, too.  It's so hard to give up one's independence- I get it.  There are some issues with not bathing, though, and she could cause herself problems.  With an older woman, the thing that comes to mind is urinary tract infections.  Those hit quickly and are pretty fierce for the elderly (fever, confusion, sleepiness, etc).  UTIs very often require hospital stays and that sets an elderly person up for more exposure to illness and the development of bedsores.  It's such a slippery slope.

Is she confused?  If she was meticulous in the past, but isn't now it makes me wonder about confusion.  That, to me, is a personality change.  Is she attempting sponge baths or other ways to clean herself?                

[gardenmom5]

along with a shower chair/stool

you can get a shower head on a hose, as well as a bar that attaches to the shower wall that will slide it up and down.   some come with the hose/head attached, and others are separate.  they're great for little kids too.

 

eta: I agree if she was previously meticulous, and now is reluctant to bath, there is something else going on.  is she developing dementia?

[mamaraby]

Thank you for all the replies. I think we are going to do a family intervention soon. She is just too stinky and we are worried for her health. I think we may need to think about the way that would be the least humiliating for her. The first step is to see if they have a shower nozzle that she can hold while she sits on the shower chair.

I think trying to do it in the gentlest way would be key. Can you get her husband on board first? Then maybe I'd pick the favorite (or maybe the generally more favored) family member to approach her with it. My grandmother has Alzheimer's and back towards the beginning when she began to have self-care issues, my aunt (the favorite) was the one who broached the subject and made the arrangements. She ended up having a home health aide come in who made sure she had a regular shower while my aunt took her for regular hair appointments for whatever is the standard for her one of her generation. Back before the Alzheimer's became apparent she was really fastidious so the decline in her self-care was one of the signs that something was wrong.

 

I guess I'd start the ball rolling so you had specifics ready regarding the who/when/how kind of thing and can get things moving forward once she has been consulted.

 

Also, maybe the nurse at her doctor's office might be more helpful - or maybe you can ask the doctor for a referral to someone who could help you navigate local resources. I would find it frustrating that her doc didn't have any suggestions.

[trulycrabby]

MIL lives with us, and one of the first things we did was get her a walk in tub. Granted, it took a year or so before we could get her to stop climbing over the side because she said it took too long to fill up. :) We searched around and found one online that had a good price; installation was actually the biggest cost.

 

 

I would definitely get her the comfort wipes.

[Tiramisu]

I think trying to do it in the gentlest way would be key. Can you get her husband on board first? Then maybe I'd pick the favorite (or maybe the generally more favored) family member to approach her with it. My grandmother has Alzheimer's and back towards the beginning when she began to have self-care issues, my aunt (the favorite) was the one who broached the subject and made the arrangements. She ended up having a home health aide come in who made sure she had a regular shower while my aunt took her for regular hair appointments for whatever is the standard for her one of her generation. Back before the Alzheimer's became apparent she was really fastidious so the decline in her self-care was one of the signs that something was wrong.

 

I guess I'd start the ball rolling so you had specifics ready regarding the who/when/how kind of thing and can get things moving forward once she has been consulted.

 

Also, maybe the nurse at her doctor's office might be more helpful - or maybe you can ask the doctor for a referral to someone who could help you navigate local resources. I would find it frustrating that her doc didn't have any suggestions.

 

Thank you.

 

Her husband is completely on board, but she has become very difficult towards him. She lets my mom was her hair but that's it. And we have someone who is a nurse who offered to come and wash her, but she won't let anyone is the house who is not family, she said. Physically, she is weak, so we could force it but we are trying to do it gently, as you mentioned. Of course, ultimately, we will do what we have to do. We have social workers who have worked with geriatric clients and people trained as nurse's aides who have experience with this in the immediate family, but she's so uncooperative.

 

My mom has tried and my sister, but now my sister says I should try because she may take it best from me, which is hard to believe.

 

The doctor and his office has not been helpful. Family members made an appointment to talk to him, but he just said this is what happens when people start to fail.  :(

[tabinfl]

If you haven't yet, be sure you (or someone) asks her about the situation, what may have changed from her point of view, and what would make it easier or more comfortable for her.

 

It may not solve the problem, or even lead directly to the solution, but it's worth a shot before spending a lot of time & money on things that may not help.

 

For me, RA makes showering extremely painful and tiring at times. Hard for someone without this illness (like my husband) to understand, but at times instead of a nice warm shower being a relaxing time, it's a necessity I dread.

 

I'm reminded of a time when my youngest was 2 years old, she'd cry every time I took her to the church nursery and tell me she didn't want to go there. It was the same room as her preschool class (she never cried at preschool drop-off), the nursery workers were people she knew and loved, she was happy and playing a short time later, and I couldn't figure out what the problem was. My mind went so far as to consider abuse or some other terrible thing going on. Finally, I asked her one day why she was so upset going in there. She said she wanted a hug & kiss before I left. That was it, she never cried again (well, in that scenario, at least :) ). So simple, but in the moment she was too upset to articulate it, and I couldn't figure it out until I asked her outright.

[mamaraby]

My mom has tried and my sister, but now my sister says I should try because she may take it best from me, which is hard to believe.

 

The doctor and his office has not been helpful. Family members made an appointment to talk to him, but he just said this is what happens when people start to fail.

It's worth a shot, since she hasn't been receptive to the others. And maybe it's just a process of conversations through time that will do it. You're right, though, in the end you have to do what you have to do. I'm sorry that you're in this situation - it's never easy to see your loved ones go through this sort of thing.