So I made a threat to the kids.... they appear to be calling me on it. WWYD?

[BlueTaelon]

Please keep in mind I'm sick and feel like crap right now, better then before I took out the real tree (allergic) but still crappy. I've been telling the kids ALL MONTH, the tree will not be decorated until I get some help cleaning the house and keeping it clean, it we work together we can get it done in 1 morning. I am sick and tired of busting my butt picking up after them and I get no help. The house is not that bad, I would like to invite people over but not when my house is dirty!

 

I really don't feel like unpacking the fake tree, honestly I just want to go back to bed for a couple days but I need to sew some gifts and cook some food, I had hoped by bringing in a tree it would motivate them to help clean so they could decorate it because its something they really, really like doing. Idea didn't work:(

 

WWYD? I LOVE having the tree, so I feel like its kinda punishing me too but if I give in...

 

Days like this is when I wish I had a spouse so I could say "you deal with it" lol

 

 

[Robin M]

You could either bring the tree into your bedroom and decorate it just for you or take away all their electronics until they do whatever it is you need done.   Take what they love the most and withhold it as a reward for when they accomplish A,B, or C.   They earn a certain number of minutes towards electronic activity.

 

And remember, when you give ultimatums, you better be prepared to act on what you said.   My kiddo never forgets a word I've ever said and it always comes back to haunt me at one time or another.  Be strong, but don't say things unless you are plan on following through.  And if you can't follow through, make sure they understand why. 

 

Sorry to hear you are still feeling icky.  :grouphug:

[bolt.]

I'd find a way to enjoy the tree either undecorated or under-decorated (just the star?) and focus on other things.

 

I understand you feel like crud. Try not to give in to *either* the pressure to have a photo-perfect holiday, *or* a sense if resentment that there are things about family teamwork that are still works-in-progress right now.

 

There is always going to be something that's a work in progress -- even at the holidays. There are lots of days to work towards better success. It's OK to enjoy Christmas anyways.

 

Similarly, Christmas should be about comfort and joy -- not about pushing yourself to your limit when you don't feel well. Grab some "comfort," release the externals, relax your self-expectations, and look for the joy. Christmas will come for you, nothing you do between now and then will change that. Instead, decide to rely on it and rest into it.

[Evergreen State Sue]

If you are sick and don't at all feel well, then I think that you should stick to your guns.  Don't put up that tree until the house gets cleaned.  We've had times when we weren't able to put up a tree until Christmas Eve, so don't fret about that.  By the time they have made the effort to clean the house and put up the tree, even if it is in a few days, you will be feeling better.  Go back to bed and know you are a wonderful parent and doing a great job with those kids! 

[Lara in Colo]

This works for me when I get sick (and I don't do it on purpose-- I just get too sick to handle everything)  but I break down and cry.

My children jump up and turn into amazing helpers.

Sometimes they just need to see that you are human and cannot. take. another. step.  Someone else has got to get it done.

 

I have a husband but he is never home, so it is usually me and the children that do all the household stuff (decorating, cleaning, cooking, shopping.   BTW my tree isn't up yet -- I don't know if we will even decorate this year-- they will survive. 

[ILiveInFlipFlops]

I'd get them together and have a talk. I'd tell them that I know they want the tree up and I really do too, but that I need some help, and that they were the ones who were going to help me. That I'm sick, that they're part of the family team too, and that they need to pitch in and do their parts. Now. Before anything else happens. Immediately. That it was no longer about the tree, it was about a lack of respect for you and for the home you provide. And then I'd do what Mytwoblessings said and withhold electronics/anything else fun.

 

I had to do this recently, and I have to do it periodically because I slip back into "it's just easier if I do it on my own" mode and they slip back into "mom's the servant" mode. They didn't take me seriously until I pointed out that we were not going to any of our activities or doing anything fun until they started meeting their commitments. Even then, they let a few things pass us by until it got to the day before co-op and they realized that I really was not going to take them. Suddenly attitudes changed! Briefly, anyway… *sigh*

[73349]

What are they doing instead?

 

If you hand each one a list, you might get more progress than with a general call for help.

[ILiveInFlipFlops]

This works for me when I get sick (and I don't do it on purpose-- I just get too sick to handle everything)  but I break down and cry.

 

My MIL was a widow from a young age, and she raised three crazy boys in a small 2-BR apartment in a rough area of Manhattan while also working from home to feed and house them and dealing with her own grief and family issues. My DH said that that made a lot of impact when he and his brothers were kids. He says he remembers feeling like, "Well, now we've gone and done it. We broke Mom." The apartment always got cleaned very rapidly after that!

[Dandelion]

It's tough being sick during the holidays.  BTDT.   :grouphug:

 

What do you need your kids to do?  If you worked with them to get things cleaned up (vs. assigning them chores to do on their own), would they do it?  My kids are usually pretty willing to clean with me, but can get overwhelmed if I try to get them to do a large job on their own.

 

How about giving the cleaning itself a holiday feel?  Turn on some Christmas music and put up some decorations elsewhere (not on the tree) to make things feel more festive.  Maybe make some hot chocolate.  And then say "Hey, I bet we can get the house cleaned up in an hour if we all work together."  Or make it 30 minutes if you think an hour would sound too overwhelming at this point.  And then clean with your kids for the set amount of time, and call it good.  At that point, you can enjoy putting up your tree with them without feeling like you've caved (even if the house isn't perfectly clean).

 

I'd try to find a way to get the tree up and decorated - with your kids.  

[Lara in Colo]

What are they doing instead?

 

If you hand each one a list, you might get more progress than with a general call for help.

 

I agree with this.  A lot of times I have to get very specific (depending on the age of the child)

Some children can handle-- clean the upstairs bathroom, some can handle vacuum the stairs.

One needs-- pick up your clothes, then pick up the hangers in all the rooms, then put all the shoes away. .....

[LibraryLover]

I don't recall how old your children are, but could you make cleaning part of the decorating? Gather the kids, have the oldest read a short Christmas story or poem, put on some Christmas music, give everyone a specific short chore ( put Lego away, start dishwasher) then put 3 ornaments each on the tree, come back and do a specific chore. Then everyone break for hot chocolate, clear the kitchen together and put 3 more ornaments on the tree. Break for a Christmad movie. Then each one specific manageable chore.

 

The point being, even in a tiring time, you want to find the pleasure. Turn it all around if you can. Work together to create what will make everyone more content. Being partners is less stressful than being angry. I hope you feel better soon! PS. Skip the tangled lights. Those are a pain. Maybe there is one untangle string you can put around a window or mantle. Much easier.

[happi duck]

I don't know your kid's temperaments so this might be worthless...

 

I would go back to the beginning:

We are in this together and we all need to clean and take care of our home. Today we are ( insert specific tasks). After we clean we are putting up the tree together.

 

As far as keeping things clean you will have to stay after them for perhaps a long time. At this point I would not be concerned with the kids having perfect habits but with complying when asked. For example : they might really not noticed that they kick off their shoes in the way of things but will they put them away when you ask?

[Anne in CA]

Kids will never "just clean it up." They have to be given specific assignments and watched for follow through. The assignments cannot be dependant on one another. For instance, the person who is picking up trash from the floor needs to be the person to vacuum. You can't have someone waiting to vacuum until the other person picks up the trash. One person should clean the bathroom. Two people doing it leads to trouble. But you must tell the bathroom person, to clean the sink, then the toilet then the mirrors the clean the floor then take out the garbage. IN THAT ORDER otherwise water gets splashed on the mirrors and everything is ruined.

 

I know you don't feel well, and that sucks, but if they are allowed to keep the house dirty to avoid work they will grow to prefer the house dirty and there will be nothing to be done about it later. 

[MysteryJen]

I would make a list and then say, this must be accomplished or no tree. Last warning.

 

And then, if they don't do it...it will be known for the rest of time as "the year we didn't have a Christmas tree."

 

It will be sad, but they will know that you will follow through, which will make other parenting moments easier for you down the road.

[JFSinIL]

could you tell them "Look - Mom is sick.  I can't do everything.  You need to help take care of things.  Clean x,y,z (give them a finite, exact list of the major things to do, not just a general "clean the house") and then YOU may set up the tree.  I am too sick to do it.  "

[trulycrabby]

You've received excellent advice, I hope things get resolved and you feel better soon!

[Alessandra]

Personally, I'd probably shove any junk lying around behind a couch and call the cleaning

job done.

 

One tradition is to decorate the tree on Christmas Eve day and have it up for the 12 days of Christmas.

 

Not following through on your threat one time is unlikely to damage your kids for life.

[gardenmom5]

it they are attempting to call your bluff - that should tell you everything you need to know.  they think you're bluffing.  if they think you're bluffing about this, and you prove it's a bluff by caving, you will be having this same fight over and over.   decide now what you want to do.

 

you could say you were rash as not having a decorated tree punishes you and you want a decorated tree (but santa won't be bringing their presents until the house is cleaned - even it that's after new years), but whatever you do, don't let them think you were bluffing.

[Amy in NH]

I'm sorry to say I think you should follow through.

 

I hope you feel better soon, and your kids step up and help so that you can have a Christmas that fulfills you.

[BYE]

It's just a tree and you are clearly very tired. Get some rest. I second taking away their things, then take a nap and tell them you expect the house to be clean when you wake up.

[idnib]

You must follow through. It's sad when punishments also punish the parent, but there it is. In the long run it will be easier for you when they take you seriously.

 

:grouphug:

[Melissa in Australia]

I agree with others who say that sometimes the instruction to clean is too vague for children. I have found it very effective to put a stove timer or a song on and tell everyone that the have to see if they can tidy up 20 things in the lounge room before the song stops. I try to do 20 things as well, we make it into a bit of a competition, then move on to the next room and start the song over. it helps to have a song with a quick strong beat. it is amazing how motivated my children then become and how quickly we can get an overwhelming (to them) job done.

[gardenmom5]

I agree with others who say that sometimes the instruction to clean is too vague for children.

 

I've also given specific lists.

eg: pick up clothes, shoes in closet, hang up coats, dirty clothes in laundry basket.

[Laurie4b]

I don't know the ages of your kids, but even with my teens a "big vague task = a big reward" doesn't work as well as things broken into steps. So: if x gets done, we put on one string of lights. If y gets done, the second string. If z gets done, you each get to put on one ornament, etc. I agree with putting on Christmas music while you work. You can lie around and be the director.

 

If anyone doesn't help, then I agree that (at least some of )their gifts get withheld.  There is plenty to do after Christmas, too, if they want to change their minds at that point.

 

I also agree with letting them know how you feel. Build their empathy. It's too easy for kids to think of mom as the "provider to me the center of the universe" and not as another person with real feelings of her own.

[kroe1]

If your kids do not want a tree, then so be it. Do not get one.

[MollyAnn]

When I get fed up with the kids I stand in that hallway and yell for them to bring me every single electronic they have. Phones, iPods, iPads, remotes to the gaming system, remotes to all TVs, and I order the shut down of the desktops.

If I was in your place right now that would be the first thing I would do.

Next I would hand them a list of everything that needs to be done.

I would tell them that if the house is not clean the tree does not go up. If there is no tree there are no presents.

 

I threatened it one year. My living room was trashed from the kids and it was Christmas Eve. I told all three of them if the living room wasn't clean in 30min I was telling Santa to skip our house. My two older ones no longer believed in Santa but they got busy and my living room was clean and vacuumed in 30min. They weren't willing to risk me being serious.

 

If they hadn't done it, I would have put the gifts out but I would not have allowed the opening of them untill the room was clean.

[LibraryLover]

So how did the weekend go, BT? I was thinking about you.