Large family frustration and autism spectrum disorder

[Elisabet1]

This is the first year this has happened, but it has. I have literally been booked, every single day, every single evening, since early October. One child got in to a major accident and spent a lot of time at hospital and doctors. Another is in dance, two are in karate, two are in scouts, 1 is in multiple orchestras, etc. 

 

In fact, I locked myself in the bathroom to post this, only to hear a loud crash outside the door.

 

I want, so much, to go buy Christmas presents, or something. I have taken to ordering everything online, due to being committed to some place every single night. And every single time I think I will have a free moment, something else comes up. My tree is not even decorated. Now, turns out, a child has to go carolling with her orchestra tomorrow. And then, my grandmother is surprising me with a visit on Saturday. She lives on the other side of the country and starts driving here tomorrow. I am struggling just to get laundry folded. And I have gained weight from all the time I spend sitting in the car driving places. Literally, I have gained 20 pounds this fall. I really have grown to hate sitting in the car. Then my husband suggested driving in to the city tonight to look at lights and all I could think is all the hours in the car and the fact that I have so much to get done. I told him he should go by himself. He decided not to go. 

 

I should add one issue...my 4 yr old with ASD strips. So it is extremely hard to take him places. Even in the car, he gets very upset. These days, he loves the lights so he screams for us to "back up" all the time because he wants to see the lights we just passed. It is actually quite cute that he loves them so much. But even a drive to the store means a huge meltdown. And once at the store, if anything at all gets on him, even just a drop of water or a crumb from a cookie, he will strip. Therefore, for the most part, someone always needs to be home with him. And my older children do not help me. I spend the rest of my time cleaning. 

 

I know that next year, we will be making the kids drop activities. My husband has already told me he does not want to drop anything, but he does not get the frustration I have when I am trying to even pay bills from my cell phone because I am literally, on the go. I sat in a parking lot today reading the news because someone called me and told me there was some sort of credit card issue with Target. I knew that when I walked in the door, I would not get to sit. 

 

This post took a fair amount of time to finish because I have so much to do, that I kept having to leave the computer. I am not in serious need of organization or anything. I am just in need of TIME. And having children with ASD is not helping things. I love all my children. But I need time so much right now.

[albeto.]

*hugs*

 

I hope you get some respite soon. 

[Jean in Newcastle]

How old are your children and why can they not help you?  

[Isabella]

Gosh, I'm so sorry for you!  It sounds dreadful.  I have a busy life, but yours sounds beyond that.  I'm sure it can't keep up for an extended period of time without going crazy.  If your husband doesn't want the children to drop activities, you need to put your foot down and get a cleaning service or something, or get him to do a certain percentage of the ferrying around.  I'm sure if you can afford so many activities for the children, some of it can be spent on you!

 

Also, when you said your older children don't help, I think that this may show that you need to be stronger about advocating for yourself.  You MUST delegate responsibility to those that are able to help.  It's in their best interests as well as yours.  Good training for them, and it's amazing how when you stop allowing yourself to be used up in this manner, everyone picks up their game, too!  It's within your power to do it, trust me! :)

 

Also, a :grouphug: for you, as I'm sure you need it!

[scubamama]

Lots of hugs.

And then some more hugs.

I hope things even out soon.

[JustEm]

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug: 

 

[Tap]

You need to learn 4 words.

 

No.  No, sorry caroling is not going to work for me.  It is a 'fun' activity and not part of the orchestra experience.  Sorry, but we have to decline.

 

Help.  If you are old enough to expect me to drive you to Karate, dance, scouts, orchestra, you are old enough to help out.  Assign chores and if they are not completed, they don't go to class.  An unreasonable amount of no-shows and classes are canceled for that kid until chores are resumed.

 

Carpool.  "hey, fellow mom...are you interested in carpooling?  We are out of your way....oh, well then how about I drive 2x for your 1x to make it more fair"

 

Commit=Contribute or let me set the rules for the kids activities (for dh).  Agree to what you are willing to do, allowing reasonable activities for each child.  Any excess that dh wants them to do....falls on him.  Year round activities are the hardest because they don't really go away like seasonal sports do.  But, other families feel this pain too, so they are more likely to agree to carpooling and such so use it to your advantage.

 

 

I have an 8mth old car with 15,000 miles on it.  I understand living in the car!  Due to this I have a nice car with a few luxuries like heated seats and Bluetooth to make my time in the car more enjoyable. I also try to utilize that time when I can like you are paying bills on the phone or using that for my down time.  Meet with a friend for coffee.  Sit in silence.  Read.  Watch a movie on your phone.  Buy a coffee and have a snack. Whatever you need to decompress, schedule it into your drive time if you can. I have to say that by purposefully recognizing that this is my 'down time' and planning accordingly, I am better able to use that time to relax and take a breath.  

 

 

 

 

[kbutton]

If you normally can do all of this when things are going well (no accidents), then I can see your husband's point about not dropping activities. But everyone needs margin, and if you need a break from all of the extra stress, then he should provide some kind of backup--hired or his own sweat equity (or loss of sleep, loss of exercise time, whatever). If he wants a night out as a family, maybe he should fold the laundry and help you get some time to exercise instead of being in the car. Our normal shouldn't be brushing up against our limits all the time--it should give us enough margin that we can be normal while we do it. If you need temporary help and maybe a break, it seems like hubby should take over the running around for a while or fix it somehow with his own creative solution. If normal is always a stretch, hubby needs to recognize it, be flexible, and make some decisions that take things off of your plate long-term.

 

[Twigs]

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

[Rebel Yell]

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

 

I think if your DH does not want any activities to be dropped he needs to find a way to relieve you- either by driving, cooking, cleaning, or hiring help with any or all of the above.

 

And your kids are old enough to help out in some way. Get them each their own laundry basket and put their unfolded clothes in it for them to put away. Go ahead and put fussy clothes- like shirts that need to be ironed for ochestra or whatever- on hangers, but let them put the laundry away. 

 

Kids that can do all of those activities can certainly help clean.

[pdalley]

:grouphug:  :grouphug:

[Moxie]

Regarding the child who "has" to go carolling, was it on the schedule from the beginning?? If not, sorry, that is scheduled down time, no carolling. No one ever died from lack of carols. And, if your DH thinks it is important enough, he should step up.

[NoseInABook]

How old are your children? There's no excuse for them not helping you and for DH not helping you around the house if they want to keep up this level of activities. No one person can do it all and not crack. *hug*  

[idnib]

Agree with the people above.

 

I know you're desperate, you this did make me  :lol: .

In fact, I locked myself in the bathroom to post this, only to hear a loud crash outside the door.

 

Find a time to go shopping, by yourself, for a couple of hours. Just set it and let nothing short of a medical emergency deter you. Maybe grandma can help out while she's here by watching the kids w/ Dad. Turn off the phone and if people need to be somewhere they have to find another way or dad can take them. Be unavailable for a little while, except to yourself.

[skeeterbug]

:grouphug:

 

You know your daughter does not 'have to' go carolling, right? Or that there must be another family whose child is in that orchestra that could surely come pick her up?

 

You must drop something. You must.

 

:grouphug:

[ChristusG]

Drop activities. Seriously, now.... I wouldn't wait. Mom's health and sanity is more important. Being constantly stressed does not make for a healthy or sane momma. My kids had too many activities last year so we dropped some. On a day I was feeling particularly stressed, we'd skip that evenings activity. It won't hurt anyone.

[mamatohaleybug]

Best thing I've learned in my life: I can say no and take care of myself even while being the mom. You are not a superhero. I hope you can develop boundaries that make you happy, fulfilled and less stressed.   :grouphug:

[klmama]

Any child old enough to be in an outside activity is old enough to contribute to the maintenance of the home.  Figure up the hours you spend carting them around and tell them the number.  Point out that the house also needs to be cleaned, groceries and presents purchased, house decorated, etc., and since you are busy doing all the driving for them, they need to do some of the cleaning for you.  If they have an attitude problem about it, they don't get a ride from you.  Seriously.  So, you lose a little money for the karate or whatever.  Life won't end.  You will feel saner.  Your dc will learn you are just as important as they are.  It will be a good thing for your family. 

 

With your 4yo, do you use behavior charts to help him learn appropriate behaviors?  You may already do this, but if you don't, it might help.  Have him earn a sticker on the chart every time he handles being upset by ___ instead of stripping (choose whatever appropriate behavior makes the most sense given his abilities and the situations that bother him).  A certain number of stickers means he gets a reward of some kind, something small that he will love and isn't a huge money outlay so you can repeat the reward several times before fading it out.  Before the events he usually gets upset in, remind him how he can earn a sticker, and when his card is full he gets __.  If he messes up and strips anyway, don't get angry, just say "too bad you chose to take off your clothes.  Next time I hope you'll ___ so you can earn a sticker toward a ___."  The trick is to be as consistent as you can be about it.  I know it's hard, especially given the other stress in your life, but this method helps a lot of kids to improve their problem behaviors, even kids with special needs.   ETA:  Start with a small number of completions necessary to earn the reward, so it seems obtainable for him.  4 times using words instead of stripping when upset, for example, earns a HotWheels car, or whatever matters to him. 

 

 

[gardenmom5]

hugs.  I would make a godfather offer with your older children.  (an offer they can't refuse)  they can start helping out (be very specific about what that means - they need to learn to contribute), or getting themselves where they need to be, or their activity is dropped. becasue. you. do. not. have. the. time.

[Elisabet1]

Oldest is in college, rarely around because he is off to college. He is home now and getting in to the swing of helping. Second oldest is in public school with a crazy disorganized orchestra director. The director only told them about carolling a couple days ago. They found out last Friday about a concert on Monday. On Monday, they found out they had to stay after school Wednesday to perform for staff. Then Tuesday, she found out she had to perform someplace on Thursday. If she misses anything, he punishes them through their grades.

 

In her case, I did complain to administration and she will be pulled out of the orchestra with the new term. This is a new teacher that has several orchestra members dropping out because he is so bad. In addition to that, we are afterschooling calculus. AND, trying to finish scholarship applications and essays and such. 

 

 

[Tiramisu]

With your 4yo, do you use behavior charts to help him learn appropriate behaviors?  You may already do this, but if you don't, it might help.  Have him earn a sticker on the chart every time he handles being upset by ___ instead of stripping (choose whatever appropriate behavior makes the most sense given his abilities and the situations that bother him).  A certain number of stickers means he gets a reward of some kind, something small that he will love and isn't a huge money outlay so you can repeat the reward several times before fading it out.  Before the events he usually gets upset in, remind him how he can earn a sticker, and when his card is full he gets __.  If he messes up and strips anyway, don't get angry, just say "too bad you chose to take off your clothes.  Next time I hope you'll ___ so you can earn a sticker toward a ___."  The trick is to be as consistent as you can be about it.  I know it's hard, especially given the other stress in your life, but this method helps a lot of kids to improve their problem behaviors, even kids with special needs.   ETA:  Start with a small number of completions necessary to earn the reward, so it seems obtainable for him.  4 times using words instead of stripping when upset, for example, earns a HotWheels car, or whatever matters to him. 

 

I like these ideas and I see that you seem to understand that there may be a limit as to what's obtainable, but I have two with SPD who at this age who had otherwise good behavior, but nothing could make them keep their clothes on. The hypersensitivity just completely overwhelmed their ability to be rational and function normally when it came to clothes. Mine didn't strip they just didn't get dressed in what anyone would think was normal for outside wear, much of the time. For that reason, during this stressful time, I'd try to not to have anything depend on the clothes. I wouldn't incorporate that aspect into any behavior plan NOW. It sounds strange unless you've BTDT, but I think it's probably better to review your schedule and cancel any unnecessary activities rather than take on the clothes issue during this season. You may wind up with a meltdown that will shut down family functioning. Take that thing on when things are calmer. Your ds is probably keyed up right now, too, so it's not a good idea for him either. 

 

I had one without the clothes issue who was really difficult and unpredictable at that age, after having her run away from me on purpose in a public place, I just had to limit where we went for my peace of mind and sanity. We gave up some things that other people wouldn't understand but it was the only way we could get by. We didn't miss too much in the long run. 

 

No one is dx'd ASD in our family but we have our share of traits. And it's very, very hard.  :grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

[kroe1]

Multi-tasking is essential if you are a parking lot mom.

 

Things I do while in a parking lot for an hour:

 

1. Pay bills.

2. Walk half a mile to the grocery and pick up quick necessities.

3. Speaking of walking, get out of the car and walk. Grab another parking lot mom and go.

4. Read a book.

5. Study my medical stuff.

6. Socialize with other moms.

7. Plan school stuff.

8. Digital scrap booking

9. Return phone calls and messages.

10. Read Facebook.

11. Exercise, yep, in the car. This is mostly tightening thigh, pelvic, abdominal, and arm muscles.

12. Eat dinner when kiddo gets out late.

13. Sleep ( I work nights so I sleep when I can.)

 

I love my parking lot time. It is my catch up and get things done time. I hope you can find some other productive use for that time so you do not feel it is a waste.

[HollyDay]

I'm not stretched to your limit, but I have been stretched further in my own.  Dh fell and broke his arm Thanksgiving weekend.  With his arm in a cast and his hand fairly unavailable due to cast, there is a limit as to what he can do.  Also, dd1 has to have PT treatments 2 to 3 times per week.  Dd 2 also has health problems that prevent her from being able to help much around the house.  I'm the only available driver 99% of the time.  Dh has not taken dd1 Christmas shopping for me or her sister yet and dh just told me it "probably" won't happen this weekend.  Not sure how to fix that one. 

 

I learned some major lessons this fall:

1. the value of NO.  I just couldn't be in 2 places at once.  It is not feasible to drop someone off early and pick someone up late and drive across town and do everything else.  I have had to tell people if they want something to happen that has a conflict, then help solve the conflict (Dh drives, carpool, etc.) or realize the activity will not happen.  It is a simple logistics problem that might not have a "go" solution. 

2.  margin.  I cannot go 100% all the time.  Even a car needs fuel and maintanence.  If I "got down for the count" then everything stops.  I need to prevent that from happening.  I pulled a muscle in my back last week and then got a major migraine on Monday.  I could school through a pulled muscle but not drive.  With the migraine, I could do nothing but pray the thing ended soon or the medicine kicked in quick.

 

Corporations and offices recognize the need for margin.  They don't schedule (well most don't) 100% of all their resources 24/7.  Things come up, equipment breaks.  The home is like that too.  People get sick or injured.  Projects take longer than anticipated.  Extra time is needed.  If there is no margin, then the whole "machine" gets out of balance.

 

Figure out what you can let go of and set aside.  Maybe reducing your load for a season (like winter sports or winter quarter events) will help restore balance.  Year long activities are harder because so much is invested in them by now.  But, I like what Tap said, if they are old enough to participate in all these activities, then they are old enough to fold and put away laundry, load or unload a dishwasher, run a vacuum, makeup a bed, pick up, entertain a younger sibling while you work on something, etc. 

 

 

[gardenmom5]

 a crazy disorganized orchestra director. The director only told them about carolling a couple days ago. They found out last Friday about a concert on Monday. On Monday, they found out they had to stay after school Wednesday to perform for staff. Then Tuesday, she found out she had to perform someplace on Thursday. If she misses anything, he punishes them through their grades.

 

 

in that case - I'd be complaining to the principal.   I'm sure other parents are just as annoyed and find it just as much of a nuisance (or even hardship) and if the parents stand together to complain it will be much harder for such a disorganized teacher to force everyone do to things at the drop of a hat.  the director needs to give them advanced notice. I guarantee he knew about these things beforehand.  (unless he's just that incompetent, in which case he needs to be replaced.)  no ifs ands or buts.

 

I also guarantee if he did to his bosses what he does to his students, he'd be fired.

[jetzmama]

Love this idea for getting everyone to pitch in to get the house clean... Before grandma arrives. ;) Better yet, write them on the computer & tape them to a board so it'll be handy for next time. http://knowledgequestmaps.com/blog/2013/03/cleaning-for-company/

 

A phrase that has really helped me to say no is this, "Every time you say, "Yes" to one thing, you are saying, "No" to something else." Also, just because something is good, does not mean it is best for your family. I'm really struggling to weed out the good from the best right now, but we really only have time on the schedule for the best. Including the good wears mama out, and of mama ain't happy.....

[jelbe5]

Hugs. When my son with autism was that age we were very limited in outside activities. My eldest was in Girl Scouts 1x per week and we attended church and homeschooled. I avoided taking my autistic son anywhere because I could not predict his behavior.

 

You are going to burn out and are already doing so. You already know that you dislike spending so much time driving around. It might be time to cut activities now or arrange for other transport if possible (car pool?). I think you may need to simply do your best to get through the holidays now and then have a frank discussion with your dh and then children about changes that need to be made. The rest of the family needs to pitch in to help with household management. Perhaps outside activities need to be suspended until a good routine (where everyone pitches in) is established. I hated to let things go during that season when my son and younger daughter were little but it reduced my stress and was a good decision.