Is being a SAHM hard work?

[Aspasia]

I feel like a lot of these responses are centered more on people liking or disliking a certain role, rather than how much work it is. My husband has an incredibly demanding job, works 60+ hours a week and commutes another 15 hours a week. That guy LOVES his job, but that doesn't change how much hard work it is.

 

I love my job as a SAHM (most days), but I consider it to be very hard work. In fact, I'm kinda shocked by all the people saying it isn't! From the moment I wake up in the morning to the moment I get my kids in bed, I am moving or planning or mediating or disciplining. Laundry, planning meals and snacks, serving meals and snacks, cleaning up meals and snacks, changing diapers, the never ending cleaning, more laundry, training kids to work, homeschooling, cuddling sickies, etc. How anyone could call this light work is beyond me. I was telling dh about this thread last night (after he got home at 10:00 p.m.), and the guy with the super intense 75+ hour work week was shocked. When he's home on weekends, he is always just amazed by the "constantness" of it all. Constant dishes, constant chattering, constant bickering, constant messes, etc. And he has no concept of the planning, researching, organizing, and managing that come on top of those immediate demands.

 

I wouldn't want to be a WOHM. For me, that would certainly be more *stressful*, but that isn't because the work would be harder. It would be the balancing that would be stressful for MY personality. I'm not good at having myself spread too thin across various "spheres". I do better when I can just immerse myself completely in one world. But again, that isn't because of how hard the work is.

[Guest]

I think what it is generally meant by this is that SAHMs are  fully responsible for their children, often without emotional and physical support, all the while being devalued for what they are doing. It is not the actual list of tasks that a SAHM has to perform during the day, and not about how challenging or easy her children are. It is the the mere fact that motherhood and staying home is devalued and the climate is often hostile.

 

*shrug* Perhaps. I don't recall ever caring whether or not the general public thought staying at home was valuable. Heck, a lot of folks don't value homeschooling, either, so I have years of practice in receiving disdainful eye-rolls. 

 

And "fully responsible" just strikes me as an odd statement. I can't imagine that all the parents who send their kids to B&M schools feel they are no longer fully responsible for their child, so I can't see applying that to a parent whose child is cared for by a non-parent helper for part of the time. My oldest child is now in a B&M school, but I don't feel as though I'm less responsible for her because other paid individuals are in authority for six or so hours a day. 

[GSOchristie]

I was shocked, too.  I think having my kids home all day is more challenging than when I went to a job.  When I had Asher in childcare, someone else entertained him, read to him, changed his diapers, disciplined him, cleaned up after him.  When I got him at 4:00, I just had to do dinner (which we ate out often because we were double income), play and read a few stories.  My house stayed clean because we weren't there messing it up, cleaning once a week was a breeze.  I taught 4th grade, so when he went to bed I graded papers and planned while sitting on the sofa watching TV.  Now I am responsible for everything, it is my job to plan lessons (and let me tell you, I am much more careful about planning for my own kids than I ever was for my classroom, I mean, these are MY kids), implement lessons, make sure I have appropriate materials, copies, etc, make sure I am providing extracurricular activities and providing transportation to those activities.  This was my job before I stayed home.  Then the mess, the never-ending mess, we are here 24-7, playing, learning, eating, I clean all. day. long.  When my kids go to bed, I'm not sitting on the sofa, that's for sure, I'm cleaning, cooking, preparing some activity.  I am more exhausted now than I ever was, and I ran a daycamp and taught for years.  I'm not saying that it's not hard to WOHM, but I think it's hard to stay home, too.  Maybe it's just the ages of my kids, they need me to do practically everything for them.

[8circles]

I used to be a professional & traveled every week, sometimes out of the country.  I worked very hard & very long hours. 

 

I've been staying at home since having my oldest & he did go to PS the first half of K but I've been homeschooling since then.

 

I find SAH for me to be very hard, very challenging, & a lot of work.  I think making statements like "SAHM is not hard" or "SAHM is easy" is just plain inconsiderate & rude, even on an unpopular opinion thread.  On a board where the majority of posters are SAHMs who often post about the challenges in their lives regarding SAH, there is no point to making it except to point out your supposed superiority.

 

What's hard about it? (these are only a sampling)

Always being "on".

Constantly caring about teaching by modeling good behavior.

Laundry.

Housekeeping.

Chauffeuring.

Mediating.

Maintaining my own self while giving what's necessary.

 

I don't actually find the teaching part of homeschooling difficult in general at this point - at the beginning it was.  But combined with the household tasks & running around & it does become a huge challenge.

 

I also don't think the housekeeping tasks would be hard for me if I chose to send my children to school.

 

I did vote in the poll, but I think you are asking different questions in the ways mentioned already.  And asking about being a SAHM is different than asking about mothering.

 

I also think that whether or not it gets easier or harder depends on the personalities of your children & their gender.  I have only boys & I'm finding it to be getting somewhat easier as they get older.

[texasmama]

I did not vote, but I will say that as an extrovert, I found the years when I was home with young children after my mother's stroke (we were great friends, and she was a constant companion) were soul-suckingly lonely.  I think that was the most difficult part for me.  One time the pastor and his wife came to visit me at my dh's request because I was at a very low point, and I remember crying and telling them, "I am so desperately lonely."

[Hikin' Mama]

I don't know why people seem to think that everyone has, or should have, the same experience of it. People have different situations, and people have different aptitudes. No one would think that everyone should equally enjoy being a firefighter. Why should everyone equally enjoy being a SAHM? Being the SAHM of 5 kids under 5, one of whom is medically fragile and another autistic, with poor family/social support? Yeah, that's going to be very very hard. Being the SAHM of 2 well behaved kids who are at school all day when you have the disposable income to hire a maid, regularly have a babysitter, and so forth? Probably not so much.

 

I have been a SAHM. I now work outside the home. In some ways it's harder. In others, easier. And yes, it varies by circumstances. When I moved cross-country shortly before my first was born, had no social or family support beyond DH, and he was still adjusting to becoming a parent, too - it was very hard, even though it was only one relatively easy baby. When my second was a baby, I had a whole group of mommy-friends and was getting out of the house for a few hours a few times a week for college classes. Then it was, overall, easy and fun.

Exactly! We all have different strengths and weaknesses. Life is just so complex with all sorts of factors thrown in that not everybody shares. I don't think running 13 miles is hard, in fact, I think it is quite relaxing, but I get that not everyone shares that with me. There are many other things I do that other moms would never do (homeschooling is one), but they do things I would never do. Doesn't make either of us less as human beings, just different. I LOVED the teen years of parenting. Some people, rightfully so, hate it. I'm not saying there weren't any challenges, but I loved every minute of it. I didn't think it was hard; I thought it was FUN!

 

I finished college and worked outside the home until my oldest was 18 months old, and I'll have to say that it was easier to work outside the home than be a SAHM, but I only had one child at the time, had excellent childcare, and an excellent boss/work environment. There were many times that being a SAHM was easier, such as after I had more kids, but there were also times that it was hard. Now that I only have one child left at home, I am planning what I will do with the rest of my life. I want to have some type of purposeful, fulfilling employment. I don't want to be at home all day. I'm hoping I can work into my 80's. Can't wait to see where the next season of life takes me!

[LisaKinVA]

For me...working was always easier. Working from home (or outside the family), with kids who are home all day is the most difficult -- unless you have help with you. It got more difficult in many ways the more children I had.

 

Part of my difficulty is because *I* don't want to be the one doing everything. In many ways, my life would be easier if I just did it myself, but I'm trying to raise adults capable of taking care of themselves and their environment...and that is NOT easy. Put that on top of homeschooling, a toddler, and working from home, and it's very taxing.

 

For me, I have to be "on" all day, and that is exhausting. My work totally depends upon my husband giving me enough time to decompress and enough "alone, uninterrupted time" to get my work done.

 

No, I don't think a SAHM with her children gone most of the day to school is as difficult as working outside the home, or can compare at all to homeschooling...or homeschooling AND working. My 7yo is in school presently, and I can honestly say, if they were all gone, I'd get so much more done (my house would stay much cleaner...just because they wouldn't have continual opportunities to make messes), and I could get most of our housework done in about 2 hours (which includes the hour the dryer would run). Errands are a wash, cooking/meal prep remains the same...sometimes I dream of sending them all off (but, in all honesty, it wouldn't work at all for my oldest three...I really looked into it...and 7yo will be coming home permanently again when we move to Avellino).

[SKL]

For me, a WAHM, kids make my work more difficult.  Because my mind is pulled in that many more directions.  Maybe there are people who turn off the mom brain when they drop their kids off at school / daycare, but I'm not one of them.  So because my work is not so efficient, it feels like there's more of it, and all together, it feels like a lot.  Not sure how much of it is my personality and how much is my reality.  If I think very rationally, I must say it all sounds very manageable.  But it isn't very managed.  :P

[8circles]

There is a difference between saying YOU personally experience SAH as being "easy" or "not hard" and making it a blanket statement though, isn't there? I don't see how the former can be interpreted as rude. 

 

I will actually add to my earlier statement by saying that I always worked from home, even when my babies were tiny. That does make life less isolating and more intellectually stimulating, I guess.

Yes, of course.  I'm making statements about me, too.  But all the statements in the unpopular opinion thread were not.  That's really what this discussion is about.

 

There are a lot of things that other people find easy that I find hard.  I'm honestly glad for them.  But don't tell me "it's easy" just because it is for you.

[SKL]

Good thing I censored my posts in that other thread, LOL.  I knew people wouldn't be able to resist reacting with offense and argument.  :P

[SKL]

I didn't make the SAHM comment over there, but I can kind of understand the feeling.  I'm a single mom.  So often people will hear that and comment, "I don't know how you do it, I could never do what you do, I bow to you, bla bla bla."  I mean like I deserve to be on some kind of pedestal or something.  Yanno, it's not easy but it's not hard like some of the hard things I've seen and done.  Most of the time, anyway.  For every challenge I have due to being single, I have an offsetting advantage.  I assume similar things could be said by many SAHMs.

[8circles]

I didn't make the SAHM comment over there, but I can kind of understand the feeling.  I'm a single mom.  So often people will hear that and comment, "I don't know how you do it, I could never do what you do, I bow to you, bla bla bla."  I mean like I deserve to be on some kind of pedestal or something.  Yanno, it's not easy but it's not hard like some of the hard things I've seen and done.  Most of the time, anyway.  For every challenge I have due to being single, I have an offsetting advantage.  I assume similar things could be said by many SAHMs.

 

Couldn't you say that about just about anything?  

 

My sister is a WOHM and IMO (& hers) it is very difficult.  I do tell her that I don't know how she does it.  I"m pretty sure she would be less than happy with me if I told her being a WOHM is easy or is "not hard" because some things I've seen or done are harder (not sure how I would determine that anyway since I've never been a WOHM to compare it & I could never live her life anyway). 

 

I mean, I'm sitting here trying to think of what reason someone would have to say that in a thread about unpopular opinions unless they're making a non-personal statement.  Do lots of people have an opinion about SAHM being hard or easy for those specific posters that saying the opposite would be a popular opinion?

 

For instance, if I said in the unpopular opinion thread that being a SAHM is hard... does that mean that I believe that the more popular opinion would be that "for momoflaw, being a SAHM is easy"?  Just doesn't make sense unless they meant it as a general statement, not just for them.

 

The thing is, I don't even care if anyone has a different opinion about my life or SAHMs in general.  Whatever.  But there really is no purpose to saying it in this case unless you want to make people feel bad.  That's offensive.  Being purposely offensive, even in a thread about unpopular opinions, is just offensive.  There's no redeeming that.

[SKL]

 

I mean, I'm sitting here trying to think of what reason someone would have to say that in a thread about unpopular opinions unless they're making a non-personal statement.  Do lots of people have an opinion about SAHM being hard or easy for those specific posters that saying the opposite would be a popular opinion?

 

For instance, if I said in the unpopular opinion thread that being a SAHM is hard... does that mean that I believe that the more popular opinion would be that "for momoflaw, being a SAHM is easy"?  Just doesn't make sense unless they meant it as a general statement, not just for them.

 

The thing is, I don't even care if anyone has a different opinion about my life or SAHMs in general.  Whatever.  But there really is no purpose to saying it in this case unless you want to make people feel bad.  That's offensive.  Being purposely offensive, even in a thread about unpopular opinions, is just offensive.  There's no redeeming that.

 

Well, I disagree.  I can only speak for myself, but I roll my eyes a little when I hear people talk about how being a mom or a SAHM is the hardest job in the universe.  Or the most important, or the most thankless, or a lot of other things I hear.  I suspect the comment over there was a reaction to people putting ordinary moms on a pedestal without a really good reason.  Why do people have to gush about how achingly hard moms work?  I mean, it is what it is.  Nearly half of the adults in the history of the world have done it.  Smart and stupid people.  Responsible people and losers.  There are lots of other hard things.  I think it would be hard to be a fireman and have to pull dead children out after battling a fire.  Or a hospice nurse.  The time when I worked in an accounting firm all day and then a factory all night - that was kinda hard.  And I've always thought that for me, the hardest job would be waitressing.

 

And I'm not sure that the people who made that unpopular comment have never been SAHMs to know first-hand what it basically is.  Actually I think Ellie, for example, said in this very thread that it wasn't hard.  (Because the OP asked, after all.)  So I don't agree that it could only have been intended as an insult.  For that matter, I'm sure there were lots of other things said on that thread that could be read as an insult if we wanted to be sensitive about it.  But I thought the point of that thread was to feel safe stating something you know others will not like hearing.  I think it's somewhat of a violation to punish someone for doing just that.

 

[8circles]

Well, I disagree.  I can only speak for myself, but I roll my eyes a little when I hear people talk about how being a mom or a SAHM is the hardest job in the universe.  Or the most important, or the most thankless, or a lot of other things I hear.  I suspect the comment over there was a reaction to people putting ordinary moms on a pedestal without a really good reason.  Why do people have to gush about how achingly hard moms work?  I mean, it is what it is.  Nearly half of the adults in the history of the world have done it.  Smart and stupid people.  Responsible people and losers.  There are lots of other hard things.  I think it would be hard to be a fireman and have to pull dead children out after battling a fire.  Or a hospice nurse.  The time when I worked in an accounting firm all day and then a factory all night - that was kinda hard.  And I've always thought that for me, the hardest job would be waitressing.

 

And I'm not sure that the people who made that unpopular comment have never been SAHMs to know first-hand what it basically is.  Actually I think Ellie, for example, said in this very thread that it wasn't hard.  (Because the OP asked, after all.)  So I don't agree that it could only have been intended as an insult.  For that matter, I'm sure there were lots of other things said on that thread that could be read as an insult if we wanted to be sensitive about it.  But I thought the point of that thread was to feel safe stating something you know others will not like hearing.  I think it's somewhat of a violation to punish someone for doing just that.

 

Your differing opinion doesn't bother me in the least.  

 

Who am I punishing?  We all have opinions.  I have some about why other people post certain things.  So do you.  You think I'm sensitive about opinions about SAHMs and that's why I posted.  It isn't the case but whatever.  

[I.Dup.]

I didn't read the comments yet, but I couldn't find an option that fit. I don't find staying at home with the kids particularly difficult, but maybe I'm lazier than most? I see my friends with younger kids or less kids than I have running after their kids constantly and trying to entertain them. I don't do that.

 

We are always in the same room, but the younger ones are expected to keep themselves generally occupied playing together or whatever- I'm not hovering or chasing after them or entertaining them constantly. Meals are simple.

 

So no, I don't find being home with my children particularly difficult, but it's my reality. I enjoy us all being home together- I don't like running around. I find THAT stressful; however, when my sister comes over and watches me make lunch or just listens to the children chattering she always says "I don't know how you do it."

 

I DO find the sleepless nights, the crying and the noise, and the general neediness difficult. But I'm not sure getting ready and driving off to work and working somewhere else on someone else's timetable (ugh) and then having to come home and fix meals, etc, would be much easier.

[sassenach]

This is so inappropriate I hesitate to post it, but I know some of you will find it funny.  Comedian Bill Burr on being a mom-

 

<WARNING: this is cynical, crude, and profane.  Do not watch this if you are easily offended.> I find it hysterical, but I like laughing at myself.  

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rwPg2oarG_c

 

[I.Dup.]

This is so inappropriate I hesitate to post it, but I know some of you will find it funny.  Comedian Bill Burr on being a mom-

 

<WARNING: this is cynical, crude, and profane.  Do not watch this if you are easily offended.> I find it hysterical, but I like laughing at myself.  

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rwPg2oarG_c

 

LMAO!! He's got good points. I'd much rather be in my cozy home running after toddlers and cleaning than roofing in the middle of July.

 

[I.Dup.]

DP

[SKL]

Exactly - "The most difficult job on the planet" - that's what people are reacting to, I'm guessing.

[GSOchristie]

That was hilarious :).

 

[GSOchristie]

That was hilarious :).

 

[Parrothead]

I voted in relation to my experience.  But my experience is far from typical.

 

I think a lot of factors come into play when deciding if one's experience with motherhood is easy or hard or something in between.  If one had given birth to 4 children with difficult temperaments and special needs then one is going to have a tougher time at it than the mom who has had one kid who is eager to please.  Other things come into the equation too:  schedules or lack thereof, personalities of the kids and the mom, income, education, support system, homeschooling, discipline or lack thereof, etc.

[HS Mom in NC]

I voted other because it depends on WHAT you're doing when you're a SAHM.

 

There are SAHMs who just keep their kids alive and there are SAHMs who are giving their children a lot of behavioral, moral and life skills training; academic prep and teaching; and enriching experiences.  The latter is harder.  It also depends on whether or not you have several littles vs. one or two and if any are especially difficult or high need. It also matters if the children of the SAHM are home or if they're at school all day.

 

So, the question, "Is being a SAHM hard?" is a nonsense question.  There's no way to answer it with a "yes" or "no."  It's so over simplified it can't be answered accurately the way it's posed. It's better to ask it a different way.  "Can being a SAHM be hard?" or "What makes being a SAHM hard?"

 

You also have to differentiate between hard caused by poor parenting choices that lead to chaos which is difficult to endure and the hard caused by implementing some amount of routine, order, structure and discipline.  The latter is a good kind of hard and the former is a bad kind of hard.
 

[dsmith]

I find my life now is more work and more challenging than it was before I had my son. I can't say it is only due to having my son and being home. We also have a business and ds is special needs. So it was much easier working outside of the home for someone else than being home, educating my special needs son and working with dh in our business. I also thought it was much easier working 60 hour weeks for someone else than taking care of an infant with major colic. I really didn't enjoy that at all, lol. I frequently woke up in the kitchen holding my son, not knowing if I was getting a bottle or if he just finished one. It also strained our marriage in ways I didn't anticipate. Thankfully that only lasted for 6 weeks. After putting more thought into it, I would say the business is more of a strain now than anything else. Much more stressful and challenging than other areas of my life, and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy, lol. 

[KungFuPanda]

*shrug* Perhaps. I don't recall ever caring whether or not the general public thought staying at home was valuable. Heck, a lot of folks don't value homeschooling, either, so I have years of practice in receiving disdainful eye-rolls. 

 

And "fully responsible" just strikes me as an odd statement. I can't imagine that all the parents who send their kids to B&M schools feel they are no longer fully responsible for their child, so I can't see applying that to a parent whose child is cared for by a non-parent helper for part of the time. My oldest child is now in a B&M school, but I don't feel as though I'm less responsible for her because other paid individuals are in authority for six or so hours a day.

 

She meant fully responsible for direct physical supervision. She's reacting to the statement that WOHM 'do it all.' No, unless you are taking your kids to the office with you, you ARE outsourcing some of that care. So, odd statement or not, I'm pretty sure she as addressing the do-it-all-yourself aspect of at-home parenting vs. hiring out part of the work.

[Alte Veste Academy]

She meant fully responsible for direct physical supervision. She's reacting to the statement that WOHM 'do it all.' No, unless you are taking your kids to the office with you, you ARE outsourcing some of that care. So, odd statement or not, I'm pretty sure she as addressing the do-it-all-yourself aspect of at-home parenting vs. hiring out part of the work.

Right. And I also see a difference between fully responsible and ultimately responsible.

[Wolfmeis]

You wrote my experience out almost word for word.

 

I was a business owner, and didn't SAHM until my third was born.   I homeschooled while I worked, but becoming a SAHM was one of the hardest transitions and definielty the hardest job I've ever experienced.     It's not the juggling, it's a complete seachange of worldview and your own placement in society.

 

I used to be a professional & traveled every week, sometimes out of the country.  I worked very hard & very long hours. 

 

I've been staying at home since having my oldest & he did go to PS the first half of K but I've been homeschooling since then.

 

I find SAH for me to be very hard, very challenging, & a lot of work.  I think making statements like "SAHM is not hard" or "SAHM is easy" is just plain inconsiderate & rude, even on an unpopular opinion thread.  On a board where the majority of posters are SAHMs who often post about the challenges in their lives regarding SAH, there is no point to making it except to point out your supposed superiority.

 

What's hard about it? (these are only a sampling)

Always being "on".

Constantly caring about teaching by modeling good behavior.

Laundry.

Housekeeping.

Chauffeuring.

Mediating.

Maintaining my own self while giving what's necessary.

 

I don't actually find the teaching part of homeschooling difficult in general at this point - at the beginning it was.  But combined with the household tasks & running around & it does become a huge challenge.

 

I also don't think the housekeeping tasks would be hard for me if I chose to send my children to school.

 

I did vote in the poll, but I think you are asking different questions in the ways mentioned already.  And asking about being a SAHM is different than asking about mothering.

 

I also think that whether or not it gets easier or harder depends on the personalities of your children & their gender.  I have only boys & I'm finding it to be getting somewhat easier as they get older.

 

[Clear Creek]

I was one of the ones who had that opinion in the unpopular opinion thread.  I suppose my opinion is based on my personal experiences, personality, tastes, etc., just like all opinions.  Oh, and I definitely did not include parenting children with severe mental or physical problems in my opinion, I have no experience with that.

 

To give an idea of what I am comparing parenting to on the scale of how hard it is:

 

I went on a twenty mile ruck march when I was in the army.  I carried 40 lbs. on my back.  It was all in one stretch; we walked ten miles out, sat down to eat a snack and put on a dry pair of socks, and walked the ten miles back to the barracks.  I did not find it hard to do.

 

I walked 60 miles in three days for a breast cancer fundraiser.  I did not find it hard to do.

 

I got my B.A. while homeschooling and parenting young children.  That was not hard.

 

I went through army basic training in the 90's when they could cuss at you and make you do pushups until you puked.  That was not hard.

 

I had a miscarriage; that was very, very hard.

 

Pushing a baby out of my hoo-hah is extremely hard.

 

As I mentioned in the other thread, I find homeschooling to be very hard.

 

 

Apparently my idea of hard is not just challenging (I enjoy being faced with challenges), but challenging to the degree that I may be unable to do it.  I have not reached that point in parenting, so my opinion is that it isn't that hard.  Everyone has a different opinion about everything; my husband keeps trying to tell me that beer tastes good, I am not offended by his opinion (and it doesn't change my opinion :D ). 

 

 

[Guest]

Couldn't you say that about just about anything?  

 

My sister is a WOHM and IMO (& hers) it is very difficult.  I do tell her that I don't know how she does it.  I"m pretty sure she would be less than happy with me if I told her being a WOHM is easy or is "not hard" because some things I've seen or done are harder (not sure how I would determine that anyway since I've never been a WOHM to compare it & I could never live her life anyway). 

 

I mean, I'm sitting here trying to think of what reason someone would have to say that in a thread about unpopular opinions unless they're making a non-personal statement.  Do lots of people have an opinion about SAHM being hard or easy for those specific posters that saying the opposite would be a popular opinion?

 

For instance, if I said in the unpopular opinion thread that being a SAHM is hard... does that mean that I believe that the more popular opinion would be that "for momoflaw, being a SAHM is easy"?  Just doesn't make sense unless they meant it as a general statement, not just for them.

 

The thing is, I don't even care if anyone has a different opinion about my life or SAHMs in general.  Whatever.  But there really is no purpose to saying it in this case unless you want to make people feel bad.  That's offensive.  Being purposely offensive, even in a thread about unpopular opinions, is just offensive.  There's no redeeming that.

 

Well, I am one who "liked" that unpopular opinion, though I didn't make the statement myself. I have heard it said a zillion times that being a mom (and/or a SAHM, and/or a HS mom) is "the hardest job in the world." I disagree. I'm with SKL. I roll my eyes. It's a load of baloney. Are there *SOME* moms who have a hard row to hoe? Without a doubt. But is it *GENERALLY* so mind-cripplingly hard? No. It just is what it is. 

 

If the thread was, "State your popular opinion here," I would not be remotely surprised to find the platitude, "Being a SAHM/HS Mom is the hardest job in the world." I think that is a popular opinion. It's one I don't agree with, just like there are some posters who said they don't like coffee, or dark chocolate, or Downton Abbey or Johnny Depp. It's not intended to say, "Hey, ladies, you all must be lousy moms if you think motherhood isn't a walk in the park!" For me (though I didn't make the statement in that thread; I just "liked" it), it's that I've always scratched my head a bit when folks say being a mom is the hardest job in the world. I don't think it's hard. It has it's moments, but in general, it's fine. 

 

Right now, I'm sitting in my pretty sunroom with a soft, plushy blanket over my legs, with a nice laptop on my lap. My daughter is in her room, doing homework. The boys are playing poker in the family room. In an hour or so, I'll go make chili for dinner. I do have some tasks to take care of, but they aren't urgent and I plan to do them later or tomorrow. This is not a vignette that describes my every hour of every day, but it describes the case more often than not. It isn't hard. 

 

P.S. Laundry whining puzzles me, too. I don't have to beat it on a rock in the river, nor haul it to a Laundromat ten miles away. Thankfully, I have two machines that take 90% of the work out of doing laundry, so I can't see what there is to complain about, unless perhaps you have 12 kids or no indoor plumbing.

[Guest]

She meant fully responsible for direct physical supervision. She's reacting to the statement that WOHM 'do it all.' No, unless you are taking your kids to the office with you, you ARE outsourcing some of that care. So, odd statement or not, I'm pretty sure she as addressing the do-it-all-yourself aspect of at-home parenting vs. hiring out part of the work.

 

Okay, but this doesn't last forever. Unless your child is behaviorally troubled or has some serious physical needs, you don't have to directly physically supervise kids for 18 years. For sure, it's intense when they're 18 months old - agility and mobility but not a lick of sense - but the tide starts to turn and you soon have hours a day when you don't have to continuously guide them and make sure they don't eat the paint chips. 

[Susan in TX]

I'm really not sure how to answer the poll. In some ways being a SAHM is easy...I dictate my own schedule and priorities, I don't have to get up early in the morning or commute to a job. I have a lot of freedom. On the other hand, it is also relentless...you never really get a day off and no matter how hard you work, the work is never done.

 

My 16yo son happened to look over my shoulder and see the title of this thread and his answer was, "Oh, absolutely being a SAHM is hard work! I can't watch William (his 2yo brother) for 30 minutes without losing my mind!"

 

 

Susan in TX

[8circles]

Well, I am one who "liked" that unpopular opinion, though I didn't make the statement myself. I have heard it said a zillion times that being a mom (and/or a SAHM, and/or a HS mom) is "the hardest job in the world." I disagree. I'm with SKL. I roll my eyes. It's a load of baloney. Are there *SOME* moms who have a hard row to hoe? Without a doubt. But is it *GENERALLY* so mind-cripplingly hard? No. It just is what it is. 

 

If the thread was, "State your popular opinion here," I would not be remotely surprised to find the platitude, "Being a SAHM/HS Mom is the hardest job in the world." I think that is a popular opinion. It's one I don't agree with, just like there are some posters who said they don't like coffee, or dark chocolate, or Downton Abbey or Johnny Depp. It's not intended to say, "Hey, ladies, you all must be lousy moms if you think motherhood isn't a walk in the park!" For me (though I didn't make the statement in that thread; I just "liked" it), it's that I've always scratched my head a bit when folks say being a mom is the hardest job in the world. I don't think it's hard. It has it's moments, but in general, it's fine. 

 

Right now, I'm sitting in my pretty sunroom with a soft, plushy blanket over my legs, with a nice laptop on my lap. My daughter is in her room, doing homework. The boys are playing poker in the family room. In an hour or so, I'll go make chili for dinner. I do have some tasks to take care of, but they aren't urgent and I plan to do them later or tomorrow. This is not a vignette that describes my every hour of every day, but it describes the case more often than not. It isn't hard. 

 

P.S. Laundry whining puzzles me, too. I don't have to beat it on a rock in the river, nor haul it to a Laundromat ten miles away. Thankfully, I have two machines that take 90% of the work out of doing laundry, so I can't see what there is to complain about, unless perhaps you have 12 kids or no indoor plumbing.

 

OK.  Your day sounds lovely.  I haven't had that kind of a day in a while - maybe a couple times a year do I have a day like that.  If that is your more-often-than-not then sure, that's easy.  That isn't reality for any SAHMs I know IRL.

 

As to the laundry, it isn't whining or complaining to say that it is quite time-consuming & continuous and it adds to my days not being easy.  shrug.  

 

Just because I think being a SAHM is hard doesn't mean I don't enjoy it or there is something else I'd rather be doing.  I love my life, but I don't think it's easy.

[Guest]

OK.  Your day sounds lovely.  I haven't had that kind of a day in a while - maybe a couple times a year do I have a day like that.  If that is your more-often-than-not then sure, that's easy.  That isn't reality for any SAHMs I know IRL.

 

As to the laundry, it isn't whining or complaining to say that it is quite time-consuming & continuous and it adds to my days not being easy.  shrug.  

 

Just because I think being a SAHM is hard doesn't mean I don't enjoy it or there is something else I'd rather be doing.  I love my life, but I don't think it's easy.

 

See, that's what I don't understand, though, about laundry. What is so time-consuming? I'm assuming you have modern laundry appliances in your own home. 

 

And I'm having a very hard time imagining that you don't know any IRL SAHMs who could describe part of most days the way I just did. I grant you that having a 2-year old is much more hands-on than when your youngest child is 9, like mine is. I was a good bit busier several years ago than I am now. 

[8circles]

See, that's what I don't understand, though, about laundry. What is so time-consuming? I'm assuming you have modern laundry appliances in your own home. 

 

And I'm having a very hard time imagining that you don't know any IRL SAHMs who could describe part of most days the way I just did. I grant you that having a 2-year old is much more hands-on than when your youngest child is 9, like mine is. I was a good bit busier several years ago than I am now. 

 

Um.  There's a lot of it.  It doesn't take much time to get the machine started or change from washer to dryer but it does interrupt what I'm doing & transitions, especially with kids, take time.  Folding & putting away also takes time.  I'm at a loss how to explain any more than that.  Do I spend hours every day doing laundry?  No.  But it does take a significant chunk, is never really over, & frequently interrupts my day.  I do wish there was less of it, but it is probably one of my favorite tasks - except putting away - that I could do without.

 

 And, no,  I don't know any IRL SAHMs who enjoy that kind of leisure on most days.  Believe it or not.  There is always something to be done.

 

Oh, & I'll update my siggie.  My youngest is 3 & just got rid of diapers.

[Clear Creek]

Um.  There's a lot of it.  It doesn't take much time to get the machine started or change from washer to dryer but it does interrupt what I'm doing & transitions, especially with kids, take time.  Folding & putting away also takes time.  I'm at a loss how to explain any more than that.  Do I spend hours every day doing laundry?  No.  But it does take a significant chunk, is never really over, & frequently interrupts my day.  I do wish there was less of it, but it is probably one of my favorite tasks - except putting away - that I could do without.

 

 And, no,  I don't know any IRL SAHMs who enjoy that kind of leisure on most days.  Believe it or not.  There is always something to be done.

 

Oh, & I'll update my siggie.  My youngest is 3 & just got rid of diapers.

 

Your kids are all old enough to put away their own laundry, and your older two are old enough to be responsible for doing all of the children's laundry.  I haven't done my kids' laundry in years.  Give yourself a well-deserved break :001_smile: .

[Shellydon]

 

Right now, I'm sitting in my pretty sunroom with a soft, plushy blanket over my legs, with a nice laptop on my lap. My daughter is in her room, doing homework. The boys are playing poker in the family room. In an hour or so, I'll go make chili for dinner. I do have some tasks to take care of, but they aren't urgent and I plan to do them later or tomorrow. This is not a vignette that describes my every hour of every day, but it describes the case more often than not. It isn't hard. 

 

P.S. Laundry whining puzzles me, too. I don't have to beat it on a rock in the river, nor haul it to a Laundromat ten miles away. Thankfully, I have two machines that take 90% of the work out of doing laundry, so I can't see what there is to complain about, unless perhaps you have 12 kids or no indoor plumbing.

 

I've not sat still in the way you are describing since my oldest was born 11 years ago.  I never, ever just sit still and hang out on the couch.  There is too much to do.  I work from the time I get up until I drop into bed around 11:30 every night.     I do 20 load of laundry a week -- it takes a good deal of time.  My day starts early-- breakfast for 4 kids, then onto school, which takes me about 5 hours each day for all 4 of them.  Then off to activities if we have any.  Add in daily picking up, cleaning, cooking dinner etc. there is precious little sit under a blanket time.

[Shellydon]

See, that's what I don't understand, though, about laundry. What is so time-consuming? I'm assuming you have modern laundry appliances in your own home. 

 

And I'm having a very hard time imagining that you don't know any IRL SAHMs who could describe part of most days the way I just did. I grant you that having a 2-year old is much more hands-on than when your youngest child is 9, like mine is. I was a good bit busier several years ago than I am now. 

 

20 loads of laundry a week takes me roughly an hour each day during the week, then 3 hours on Saturday.    Sorting, putting it in, switching loads then the blasted folding of all those clothes, towels, sheets etc. 

[Clear Creek]

I've not sat still in the way you are describing since my oldest was born 11 years ago.  I never, ever just sit still and hang out on the couch.  There is too much to do.  I work from the time I get up until I drop into bed around 11:30 every night.     I do 20 load of laundry a week -- it takes a good deal of time.  My day starts early-- breakfast for 4 kids, then onto school, which takes me about 5 hours each day for all 4 of them.  Then off to activities if we have any.  Add in daily picking up, cleaning, cooking dinner etc. there is precious little sit under a blanket time.

 

If your children are old enough for school, they are old enough to do their own laundry, fix their own breakfast and lunch, and share in the routine chores.  And if you don't drop it on the floor, then you shouldn't be picking it up!

[8circles]

Your kids are all old enough to put away their own laundry, and your older two are old enough to be responsible for doing all of the children's laundry.  I haven't done my kids' laundry in years.  Give yourself a well-deserved break :001_smile: .

 

Thanks but my older two already do their own laundry, but they still need some supervision & checking-up on (on the back end).  My 6 year-old actually starts-up his laundry & then we fold & put away together.

 

It's still a lot & adds to my day not being easy.  Not whining, just stating fact.  

[8circles]

If your children are old enough for school, they are old enough to do their own laundry, fix their own breakfast and lunch, and share in the routine chores.  And if you don't drop it on the floor, then you shouldn't be picking it up!

 

Well, in theory, yes.  It doesn't mean I'm totally out of the loop on getting it done.  I'm still part of the process & that takes time, energy, & effort.  It is exhausting.  

 

If your school-age children all do this without you then I'm truly happy for you.  It isn't everyone's reality nor does it mean they're doing something wrong.

[KungFuPanda]

Okay, but this doesn't last forever. Unless your child is behaviorally troubled or has some serious physical needs, you don't have to directly physically supervise kids for 18 years. For sure, it's intense when they're 18 months old - agility and mobility but not a lick of sense - but the tide starts to turn and you soon have hours a day when you don't have to continuously guide them and make sure they don't eat the paint chips.

 

Whether they get physically easier or not, the on-site adult is in charge of the child. You can leave the child (whatever their age) unsupervised, supervise him yourself, or trust another adult to be responsible. You're either taking care of your own child, or someone's getting paid to tend to his needs. There's a reason nobody but relatives watch the child for free.

[ocelotmom]

 

P.S. Laundry whining puzzles me, too. I don't have to beat it on a rock in the river, nor haul it to a Laundromat ten miles away. Thankfully, I have two machines that take 90% of the work out of doing laundry, so I can't see what there is to complain about, unless perhaps you have 12 kids or no indoor plumbing.

 

I'm not sure why people are assuming that everyone here has washer and dryer. There may well be families dragging everything to the laundromat. We happen to not have a dryer, and, while this is voluntary, it does add to the drudgery of it. And, while we do have indoor plumbing, our washer is out in the workshop, so laundry requires at least a brief trip outside.

 

Thankfully, I can usually make someone else hang up the laundry in unfortunate weather. Trying to hang laundry in sub-freezing temperatures just isn't fun.

 

Um.  There's a lot of it.  It doesn't take much time to get the machine started or change from washer to dryer but it does interrupt what I'm doing & transitions, especially with kids, take time.  Folding & putting away also takes time.  I'm at a loss how to explain any more than that.  Do I spend hours every day doing laundry?  No.  But it does take a significant chunk, is never really over, & frequently interrupts my day.  I do wish there was less of it, but it is probably one of my favorite tasks - except putting away - that I could do without.

 

Yeah basically this. The actual *doing* the laundry isn't a huge issue - it's the folding, sorting, and putting away that I get hung up on. About one load of laundry a week will get done to the folded stage while I'm at work, but it NEVER EVER EVER gets sorted and put away without my intervention.

 

There's also some scheduling issues that add to the perceived horribleness of it all which have no relevance to anyone here, but make it more of a symbol of everything wrong in my life.

 

It's whining. I won't deny it. It gets done (actually, much more than many other chores, since we *have* to have clean clothing while we don't absolutely have to have a spotless shower to the same extent), and that's what matters, right? Maybe if I just pulled myself up by my bootstraps and whistled through a spoonful of sugar while I worked everything would be all better.

 

In any case, definitely gonna make at least the oldest start doing his own before new laundry-generator arrives. 

 

Hint: I started doing my own laundry at 10 or 11 because my mom washed her red socks with my laundry (unsorted, so including whites) one too many times on the theory that they HAD to be done bleeding by now. It worked out really well for her!

[Guest]

Um.  There's a lot of it.  It doesn't take much time to get the machine started or change from washer to dryer but it does interrupt what I'm doing & transitions, especially with kids, take time.  Folding & putting away also takes time.  I'm at a loss how to explain any more than that.  Do I spend hours every day doing laundry?  No.  But it does take a significant chunk, is never really over, & frequently interrupts my day.  I do wish there was less of it, but it is probably one of my favorite tasks - except putting away - that I could do without.

 

 And, no,  I don't know any IRL SAHMs who enjoy that kind of leisure on most days.  Believe it or not.  There is always something to be done.

 

Oh, & I'll update my siggie.  My youngest is 3 & just got rid of diapers.

 

Okay. *shrug* My initial post to you was intended to say that it's not gloating or putting on airs that would motivate someone to say they don't think motherhood is hard. My experience does not seem to match yours. I don't know why that is. I'm sure it's not because I'm Incredi-mom. 

 

P.S. I don't do laundry every day. I've even posted about this before because I don't fully understand why anyone does laundry every day. And congrats about no dipes. That's a load off all by itself. 

 

I've not sat still in the way you are describing since my oldest was born 11 years ago.  I never, ever just sit still and hang out on the couch.  There is too much to do.  I work from the time I get up until I drop into bed around 11:30 every night.     I do 20 load of laundry a week -- it takes a good deal of time.  My day starts early-- breakfast for 4 kids, then onto school, which takes me about 5 hours each day for all 4 of them.  Then off to activities if we have any.  Add in daily picking up, cleaning, cooking dinner etc. there is precious little sit under a blanket time.

 

Interesting. I don't get it, but I'll take your word for it. I feel like I have a very full life, but I do have some time to gel most days. Hence, posting here. If I was too frantically busy to do that, nobody here would "know" me and I wouldn't have however many thousands of posts in my history. 

[Guest]

 

I'm not sure why people are assuming that everyone here has washer and dryer. There may well be families dragging everything to the laundromat. We happen to not have a dryer, and, while this is voluntary, it does add to the drudgery of it. And, while we do have indoor plumbing, our washer is out in the workshop, so laundry requires at least a brief trip outside.

I'm not assuming that. I've said a couple of times that clearly there are exceptions, such as if you don't have your own laundry machines or whatever. It is obvious that that would make it take longer than usually and be harder than average. What I'm wondering about is why many mothers who DO have functional machines in their own home, who don't have 22 children or a husband that works in a coal mine nevertheless often describe laundry as time-consuming and difficult. That it's never done, that it's a big interruption. If that is someone's experience - okay. But I don't understand it. 

 

 

[Alice]

I’ve read snippets of the thread...it’s interesting. :) 

 

I work part-time although I often think of myself more as a SAHM. I’m home much more than I work and with homeschooling, being home is a bigger priority and focus than my career. My dh stays home while I work. My purely anecdotal observation from our own lives is that whatever you do less is the thing that seems easier. So for me, my days at work often feel like a day “offâ€. It’s different, it engages a different part of my mind, involves different skills, allows for lots of adult interaction and provides much more immediate feedback. For dh it’s the opposite. He definitely sees his days at home as his days off. He does all the same things around the house I do (teach the kids, laundry, cook, clean, etc) but because it’s only two half days a week I think it feels like a break from his routine in the office. So maybe it’s partially a “the grass is always greener†thing. If you are a SAHM you may see the easy parts of working (lunches out! people to talk to! more money!) and feel that yours is the “hardest job in the worldâ€. If you are a working Mom you may see the easy parts of staying at home and feel that being a SAHM is easy. 

 

 

[myfunnybunch]

P.S. Laundry whining puzzles me, too. I don't have to beat it on a rock in the river, nor haul it to a Laundromat ten miles away. Thankfully, I have two machines that take 90% of the work out of doing laundry, so I can't see what there is to complain about, unless perhaps you have 12 kids or no indoor plumbing.

 

I was one of the laundry "whiners."

 

I just hate doing laundry. It's a pain in my behind. It is not physically demanding, or mentally taxing. Actually, if it was either of those I'd probably enjoy it more. I prefer tasks with a clear beginning and end, I've got a family that generates a lot of laundry, and a very busy schedule. It's quite challenging for me to fit laundry around everything else that I'm trying to get done, even after sitting down to problem-solve about the most efficient way to get it done. 

 

Everyone has their strengths and preferences. It's not necessary to characterize people as whiners simply because they find different things difficult. (Which, by the way, is completely different from saying, "I don't find laundry difficult because ______ so it's hard for me to understand why some people do find it difficult.")

 

Cat

 

[ThisIsTheDay]

20 loads of laundry a week takes me roughly an hour each day during the week, then 3 hours on Saturday.    Sorting, putting it in, switching loads then the blasted folding of all those clothes, towels, sheets etc. 

 

Agreed!  And I didn't see you asking for help on how to do the laundry, so I don't understand why others are telling you what your kids "should" be doing.  :confused1:

 

It's like anything else in your family--we all have limits on things, but they are different. I might have been very happy with a family bed, but my number one rule was to KEEP YOUR HANDS OFF THE WALLS.  (When I said it, I shouted.)  That's not going to work for everyone.  Someone else might want their kids doing their own laundry when their 8.  That's fine.  Call me a control freak, but I have no interest in my kids doing that for several more years.  For *me,* it was enough that they kept me company while I folded, and they could trot everything to their own rooms.

[SKL]

I just love laundry.  I'm beginning to wonder if this is a personality problem.  :p

 

ETA:  I just remembered:  My mom loves laundry too.  Now that's scary.

[8circles]

Well, I disagree. I can only speak for myself, but I roll my eyes a little when I hear people talk about how being a mom or a SAHM is the hardest job in the universe.  Or the most important, or the most thankless, or a lot of other things I hear.  I suspect the comment over there was a reaction to people putting ordinary moms on a pedestal without a really good reason.  Why do people have to gush about how achingly hard moms work?  I mean, it is what it is.  Nearly half of the adults in the history of the world have done it.  Smart and stupid people.  Responsible people and losers.  There are lots of other hard things.  I think it would be hard to be a fireman and have to pull dead children out after battling a fire.  Or a hospice nurse.  The time when I worked in an accounting firm all day and then a factory all night - that was kinda hard.  And I've always thought that for me, the hardest job would be waitressing.

 

And I'm not sure that the people who made that unpopular comment have never been SAHMs to know first-hand what it basically is.  Actually I think Ellie, for example, said in this very thread that it wasn't hard.  (Because the OP asked, after all.)  So I don't agree that it could only have been intended as an insult.  For that matter, I'm sure there were lots of other things said on that thread that could be read as an insult if we wanted to be sensitive about it.  But I thought the point of that thread was to feel safe stating something you know others will not like hearing.  I think it's somewhat of a violation to punish someone for doing just that.

 

I guess when I've heard the comments about being a mom being the most important job, etc, I hear it about motherhood in general, not SAHM in particular.  I think whether or not you think it's the hardest job, most important job, etc  is shaped by your life experiences and your personality.  It isn't a put-down or insult to other jobs to say that motherhood is the most important - I think the job of a mother is much farther reaching than just the day-to-day of what they do.  I think it'd be hard to make a case for the minimal importance of mothers, even if you don't think they're the MOST important.  Maybe I'm wrong, but I can't see many people saying mothers aren't important.  Stranger things have happened, I guess.   

 

To your last paragraph, I have acknowledged that some SAHM find it easy.  I have no issue with that.  Making a blanket statement that something is easy is not leaving any room for the acceptance of it not being easy for others.  Pointing out that one person's limited experience is not universal isn't punishing, being overly sensitive, taking offense easily, or whining.  

 

Yes, lots of things could have been offensive.  Most things were pretty fluffy.  A few were insulting.  One was downright cruel.  Sneaky bastards throwing in some cruelty in the middle of good natured fun thinking nobody would notice.   :ack2:

[SKL]

I don't think a person should always have to qualify a general opinion by saying "of course there are probably exceptions."  In a world with billions of mothers and children, each of whom is a unique individual, it is obvious there are differences.  No neurotypical adult could fail to realize that.  It is not an omission to not state the obvious.  In fact, it is redundant to state the obvious.  We often do it because we are afraid of being accused of being rotten people.  Not because the person we're talking to needs that information.

 

Personally I prefer a conversation in which the majority of the words are substantive and not a series of CYA qualifications.  If I am suspicious of someone's intent, I can always ask for clarification.