Sending thank you notes...or not

[PrairieSong]

Do some people not know that it is the polite thing to do to send a thank you note when you have received a gift? I have noticed they are becoming rarer.

 

Once I sent a gift to a friend far away and wondered if she ever received it. After a few months I asked, perhaps a blunder on my part, but I had knitted the item and hated the thought of it being lost in the mail. She apologized and thanked me then. Awkward.

 

Recently at a baby shower I noticed no one was writing down a list of gifts and gift givers. Really odd, I thought. There have been other times, too.

 

Are thank you notes going out of style? Do you write them? Do you teach your kids to write them?

[Sara in AZ]

We write them. Sometimes it takes a while to get them out (DD had a birthday a month ago, and the notes are still on the counter waiting for envelopes), but we write them. Even if the child can only dictate and copy their name, we write them. It does seem that we don't receive many, though.....

[PrairieSong]

We write them. Sometimes it takes a while to get them out (DD had a birthday a month ago, and the notes are still on the counter waiting for envelopes), but we write them. Even if the child can only dictate and copy their name, we write them. It does seem that we don't receive many, though.....

I get some a few weeks or more after the event, and I don't mind. I've sent them late myself, but I figure better late than never. I just don't understand people who don't send them at all. Apparently the new mom at the baby shower I mentioned wasn't planning to write any. Perhaps I should have offered to write a list, but she had already opened several before it occurred to me.

[Jean in Newcastle]

We write them for gifts for everyone except for dh's family.  They never write them back and seemed to get irritated at receiving them so we're not going to bother.  

[PrairieSong]

We only write them for major events like showers or weddings. Nobody does for birthdays or holidays. At least not in my family nor my husband's family.

 

Although there are a couple of older folks on DH's side who send thank you cards for absolutely anything. If you send them an xmas card they send a thank you card. Seems a bit over the top, but they have time on their hands I guess.

In our family, we open Christmas gifts together and say thank you then, and no one sends or expects a written thank you. I was mainly thinking of weddings and showers, or receiving a gift in the mail where you don't have a chance to thank the sender.

 

Wow, a thank you for a Christmas card? I have never sent a thank you for a card unless it contained money or something. I might send a card in return though.

[tshirtyogapantmama]

I always write Thank You notes and I teach my kids. It's actually part of their chores/schooling, we keep a running list. I have for years. Even my 3 year old will make a picture or paint something to send as a thank you for birthday money from grandparents/extended family. A lot of times for the grandmothers I will send a recent picture of the kids at the zoo or in the yard.

 

On time my son got some free coins at a coin club, he thanked the man in person briefly but it was during the auction part so couldn't do it properly, so that week he wrote a nice note and handed it to the man. The man was shocked, he felt writing thank you notes was a lost art. 

 

I write them for my husband's real estate company and have for the past 3 years. We thank clients, lawyers, loan officers, and people with a simply note of thanks. It's better then any advertising we've done in the past. It's positive and reminds them of how thankful we are to work with them or for them referring someone to us. We've seen an increase of over $20k directly from the notes. We'll ask why they referred their friends and it's the 1st or second reason besides their satisfaction with what my husband helped them with. Thankful I had a grandmother & mother that instilled in me writing thank you notes and it's paid off. In the past couple of years as my children gotten older and we don't often get notes of thanks back from people when we send gifts they have asked to stop but I remind them of how it's helped bring in more $ for dad's business and the grumbling stops. I've worked on creating some templates we use and also some guidelines. 

 

I almost always make sure the letters are nicely written or typed and spelling is accurate. I am not as picky with grammar but I like the sentences to flow naturally when the receive reads the note. 

[Mandylubug]

We typically call and verbally thank or the kids make YouTube videos and email their thanks unless it is for something formal. We don't send cards for birthday gifts if they were present and we personally were able to thank them.

[happyhomemaker]

We send them if we are not able to say thank you in person. Most people I know send them for showers and weddings still. I did get a weird generic thank you note from my cousin for her wedding a while back. It was just a general pre-printed note which I thought was strange. I think with all of the ways we have to contact people now, thank you notes are on their way out just like newsy letters.

[Joshin]

We don't do them, we either thank in person or call if it's long distance. The kids may text or email their thanks to aunt, uncle or one of the more tech savvy grandparents. I only give gifts to people I know and care about, so I already know they care about me and appreciate my gesture so I could care less if they send a thank-you note. I'd much rather have a phone call over the paper clutter, anyway. It's a bit rude not to get even a phone call acknowledging receipt, but I wouldn't lose sleep over it. People are busy and they likely have other priorities, so I would assume it wasn't an intentional oversight. I also wouldn't feel awkward about asking if they received something, I'd just approach it casually then move on.

 

Growing up, they were only expected for big life events -- graduations, weddings and baby showers. My mom hated thank you notes because she was forced to write so many of them -- even if she just received a birthday card (no gift) from a relative or friend. She thinks they're impersonal, and I kind of agree with her.

[Kareni]

We write thank you notes and have taught our offspring to do likewise.

 

Sadly, we have also seen a decline in the practice of sending thank you notes.  I delight in being able to give a gift in person; however, we often mail gifts and sometimes wonder if they have drifted off into the ether.

 

Regards,

Kareni

[KrissiK]

We write them when the giver is not present to thank in person.

[Ripley]

We write them.  I like the practice it gives the kids - composing a letter, cursive, addressing an envelope, et cetera.  Plus I just think it's good for the kids to do.  Probably because I always had to, and I delight in making them re-live the high- and lowlights of my childhood. LOL  We write them for all gifts which are mailed, but we also send them as a follow-up to some people even if those people were present at the unwrapping. Usually those are people who live far away or are relatives who like hearing from the kids any chance they get (grandparents, great aunts, etc.)

 

I also have my kids write thank you notes at the end of the year, to coaches and other volunteers (religious ed., scouts, etc.). I think it's important the kids acknowledge the "gift" of someone's time and talent. Sometimes we include a gift card or chocolates or something, not always, but there's always a card!

[mumto2]

We write them. Over the years we have stopped sending them to a few people who seemed to feel burdened by them because they and their children do not write them.

[Tess in the Burbs]

we write them and send for any gift given and we don't see the person in person to give thanks.  the inlaws didn't ever let us know about gifts arriving.  I called to ask about cash to a niece and the reply, "Yeah, we got it", led to us eventually dropping this far removed branch of family from our gift giving list.  They apparently were happy not to buy us anything anyway!  

 

My kids write a note to anyone who isn't present in the room when they open it.  But they always do birthday gifts from parties as well, b/c I think in the commotion kids don't say thanks or don't hear the thanks.  

 

My sister is wacko....she wants a phone call or thank you card if she sends you a card.....I don't think a card needs a response.  A gift, yes. 

[AlmiraGulch]

We do them for adult gifts at major events like weddings and babies.  If my sister gives me a christmas present, I don't send a thank-you card.  I don't send them to my parents, either.

 

My kids, though, always send them.  If people send them birthday money or give presents, they write notes.  Christmas gifts from people other than their parents?  They write notes.  It's about developing the habit. 

 

It does bug me when people don't even acknowledge in any way that you've given a gift, particularly if you've mailed it, because you don't even know if they got it!  Then you're int he awkward position of having to ask about it, as if you're seeking a thank-you.  I find it rude.  My brother and sister-in-law used to be the worst about this type of thing, but they're better now.   I usually get a quick note on Facebook, and that totally works.  I don't care about the formality of a written note, but I don't want to wonder if my crap got delivered to the wrong house. 

[SweetMissMagnolia]

I always do thank you cards here--but yea sometimes I get the feeling they are a "dying art"....at the showers held in my family someone is always writing down a list of the gifts and who they came from.....

[QueenCat]

My children ALWAYS write thank you notes. The rule here is--can't cash the check or spend the $$ until the note is sent. I just checked--I don't see that ds checked off two that he was supposed to write today, but then, he hasn't marked anything for today (I was gone for much of the day). If he didn't get them done, they'll be on the top of the list tomorrow. I got a lovely tu just yesterday, for a recommendation letter I wrote for a Scout. We write a lot of letters in this family--I write the girls every night. In general, Boy Scouts seem so be pretty good at writing them--I've gotten a tu for every Eagle check I've sent. Unlike some relatives I could mention...

 

Same here........... and with non-monetary gifts, especially toys, they had to write those notes asap so they could play with the toys. I'd let them play with them on Christmas Day but the day after Christmas meant writing thank you notes.

[Mom0012]

We write them for friends who give birthday gifts and family that mails gifts.  We no longer write them for immediate family who were present at the time the gift was opened because a "thank you" is given at that time.  I have noticed that my son didn't receive thank you notes for birthday parties he attended more recently.  Obviously, he was there at the party and thanked when the gift was opened, so I am actually fine with that.  I am still struggling with whether I should have my son send a note for the birthday gifts he received to the families that didn't send one to us partly because he is just so darn busy, but mostly because I don't want to seem like I am trying to one-up them if they aren't going to send notes any more.

 

I have to say I do hate writing thank you notes and I hate getting my kids to write them even more.

[LostSurprise]

Major one-time events...yes.

 

People who send things through the mail...yes. 

 

Annual events (birthdays, Christmas) if we spent tons of time with you and already verbally thanked you, played with it in front of you, chatted about the gift...probably not (unless you happen to be a great-grandparent). I consider the few times a year we have to thank great-grandparents to be the motivation to make sure I write letters to my grandmothers (and Dh's grandmother). It's always appreciated, even if they can't write back. 

 

We will occasionally write thank yous to folks we verbally thanked but that's mostly for fun.

[JustEm]

I do not see the point of thank you cards if the person is present when you receive the gift, even if you do not open it when they are there like at a wedding.  If they are at the event I obviously am going to talk to them at some point that night so I thank them for coming and celebrating with us.  I view giving a gift as part of the celebration so have already thanked them for it.  If there is a gift I get in the mail then I don't believe a card is enough and so the person will get a phone call from me or my children.

 

Some people have been offended in the past by no note from me and if they are brave enough to ask me about it then I explain it respectfully and logically to them and most understand my reasoning and are no longer offended.  If on the other hand, someone gets angry and just mopes about how rude I am to other people (has happened) then I certainly don't feel bad about not sending it.  If our relationship is hurt significantly by not getting a thank you note then its not a relationship I wish to nourish.  Same goes if you are talking about my rudeness to someone else instead of me.

[kewb]

My basic rule of thumb is: It was opened in front of you and you were thanked at that time-no written thank you necessary. It was opened without you-written thank you necessary.  Unless it is dh's family-they would rather get a phone call.

[Joker]

We don't write them. We thank in person, over the phone, by email, and sometimes Facebook. We probably don't write them because I hate to receive them. It just seems like such a waste to me. I read it and then it has to go in the trash.

[JustEm]

I also happily lift the thank you note obligation for anyone who I get a gift for.  I once tried to have everyone at a baby shower agree to having a communal card saying something along the lines of "We know how thankful and blessed you feel to have been showered with so much love today that we just want to continue showering you with it by making the next few weeks a little less packed by requesting no thank you notes.  We know you may want to send them but we'd rather you spend that energy on yourself or doing something for the baby."  Worded better of course.  My sister and I thought that would have been the best gift a soon to be mom could get because even if you enjoy writing thank you notes a lot of time it just turns into another thing to add to your to do list.  I was saddened when some people outright refused the idea because they thought they deserved acknowledgement for their gift.

 

Its mostly the idea that it is expected and not something that a person does lovingly because of how genuinely thankful they are. It kind of makes getting one mean nothing to me because of that.

[Mbelle]

I like them.  I enjoy sending and receiving them. Not only for gifts but for the first time someone invites you to their home for dinner.

[QueenCat]

I also happily lift the thank you note obligation for anyone who I get a gift for.  I once tried to have everyone at a baby shower agree to having a communal card saying something along the lines of "We know how thankful and blessed you feel to have been showered with so much love today that we just want to continue showering you with it by making the next few weeks a little less packed by requesting no thank you notes.  We know you may want to send them but we'd rather you spend that energy on yourself or doing something for the baby."  Worded better of course.  My sister and I thought that would have been the best gift a soon to be mom could get because even if you enjoy writing thank you notes a lot of time it just turns into another thing to add to your to do list.  I was saddened when some people outright refused the idea because they thought they deserved acknowledgement for their gift.

 

Its mostly the idea that it is expected and not something that a person does lovingly because of how genuinely thankful they are. It kind of makes getting one mean nothing to me because of that.

 

I think that is such a sweet idea! Sorry it wasn't well received. I'll have to remember that idea though.

[Kareni]

 I like the practice it gives the kids - composing a letter, cursive, addressing an envelope, et cetera. 

 

This is an excellent point.  My daughter worked at the college post office during her college years.  She was amazed at how many college aged students did not know where to put the stamp, the address, and/or return address.

 

We received a thank you card from a college graduate recently.  The stamp was located on the upper left hand side of the envelope.

 

 

I also have my kids write thank you notes at the end of the year, to coaches and other volunteers (religious ed., scouts, etc.). I think it's important the kids acknowledge the "gift" of someone's time and talent.

 

I always had my daughter write thank yous to outside teachers at the end of the school year; I asked her to mention three specific things that she had learned from or enjoyed with that teacher.   My husband tutors math and science to homeschoolers, public schooled students, and adults.  His mood is always lifted when he receives a thank you note from a student.

 

Regards,

Kareni

[vonfirmath]

I get some a few weeks or more after the event, and I don't mind. I've sent them late myself, but I figure better late than never. I just don't understand people who don't send them at all. Apparently the new mom at the baby shower I mentioned wasn't planning to write any. Perhaps I should have offered to write a list, but she had already opened several before it occurred to me.

 

For baby showers, I do what one friend did for me "Part of your gift is that I don't expect a thank you. Just enjoy yourself"

 

We do our best to get thank you notes out, but I know we don't do well at it. This probably helps me give grace for others shortcomings in this department as well.