SKL Posted August 9, 2013 Share Posted August 9, 2013 I have never given my kids a "friend" birthday party, but I am thinking about it as I'm not coming up with any other great ideas for Miss A's 7th birthday in October. I am thinking a party at the Little Gym, maybe. But I don't want my kid to get a pile of gifts. They already have too much stuff, and too many aunties who overdo it every year. I was wondering about having my daughter get info on several charities and pick one, maybe decorate a donation box to bring to the party, and say "no gifts, please consider a donation to Miss A's favorite charity, ___" in the invitation. But I keep hearing that it's terrible to say "no gifts" because that presumes you expected gifts in the first place. (Which, let's get real, OK?) So I dunno. I don't think I'd do a friend party if it couldn't be "no gifts." What is the current view of the Hive on this? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HomeschoolMamaOfTwo Posted August 9, 2013 Share Posted August 9, 2013 Maybe, "We desire your presence, not your presents!" :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zoobie Posted August 9, 2013 Share Posted August 9, 2013 I don't care if mentioning gifts is tacky. I put "Your presence is present enough" on the invite. Cheesy, cutesy, but whatever. (And generally I try to comply with accepted etiquette.) Donations requests generally border on tacky. A friend had an ice skating party for her DD and put on the invite they would be collecting gently used, clean coats and cold weather accessories to take to a named charity if you needed to clean out your closets. Maybe because it was related and "easy" and not pushily worded? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marbel Posted August 9, 2013 Share Posted August 9, 2013 Maybe, "We desire your presence, not your presents!" :) I think something like this is best. I've never gotten an invitation that suggested a donation to a particular charity. My gut reaction is "what if it's something I can't support?" I realize that you would pick a charity that wouldn't be controversial. ;) You didn't ask this, and and I see you are set on not having gifts. But honestly, I think gifts are such a fun part of a kid's birthday party for both giver and recipient. My kids have been to parties where the parents said "no gifts" and it was fine, but... my kids were always disappointed. They were equally disappointed with parties where gifts are not discouraged, but the pile of gifts remained untouched during the party, so the child could open them in private. The parents in those cases didn't want to emphasize gifts, but they disappointed the GUESTS by not opening them. The kids wanted to give a gift. They wanted to see the look on the face of their friend when they opened the gift. Anyway, sorry, you didn't ask that but it just made me sad to think of a party with no gifts. ;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LucyStoner Posted August 9, 2013 Share Posted August 9, 2013 With kids, the easiest and more meaningful donation party is one where it's simple and non-cash. "In lieu of gifts, please bring shelf stable food items for St Joseph's Food Bank." Then the birthday girl can accompany you to deliver the items to the food bank or wherever. While this is not technically approved etiquette, etiquette changes and in my area I see it often enough I don't find it rude. That said what I usually do is clear out toys from the boys' room before a birthday and let them pick some to donate used to Goodwill. Then when the present pile is unwrapped, they can keep 1-2 things and the rest goes new in box to Toys of Tots or a domestic violence shelter or similar. That way my sons learn to unwrap and say "thank you so much" and then later learn how to give. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lara in Colo Posted August 9, 2013 Share Posted August 9, 2013 Coming from someone that is poor (us), we don't attend other children's parties because sometimes I don't have the money (even $20) at the time--- I may have it a week later-- but not then, so I just don't let my children go to parties. I would however like them to come to ours (we only have one big party for all 4 children) but I don't want presents--- I don't want to feel like I am obligated to reciprocate when I cannot. So I will state no presents and I mean it! I would love for more parties to not have presents. And less of a hubbub too --- just a celebration of friendship and life. Sometimes it seems like people are just trying to outdo each other-- or what they did last year. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tammi K Posted August 9, 2013 Share Posted August 9, 2013 Then when the present pile is unwrapped, they can keep 1-2 things and the rest goes new in box to Toys of Tots or a domestic violence shelter or similar. That way my sons learn to unwrap and say "thank you so much" and then later learn how to give. I know you mean well, but really, if I learned that my new present, one I specifically took my child shopping to select for your child, was donated as an 'extra' outside the allotted 'keeper' amount, I would really be both hurt and angry. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
vonfirmath Posted August 9, 2013 Share Posted August 9, 2013 I know you mean well, but really, if I learned that my new present, one I specifically took my child shopping to select for your child, was donated as an 'extra' outside the allotted 'keeper' amount, I would really be both hurt and angry. Agreed. I'd rather be told ahead of time that the toys given will be donated. I shop differently with that mindset. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ellie Posted August 9, 2013 Share Posted August 9, 2013 You cannot tell people not to bring gifts. You cannot tell people to bring money instead, even if you plan to donate the money to a worthy cause. "Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior" explains this multiple times. If you don't want people to bring gifts, don't tell them it's a birthday party. Of course, if you have cake and birthday party-type stuff, some people will be hurt that you didn't tell them it was a birthday party, because they would have wanted to bring gifts. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
go_go_gadget Posted August 9, 2013 Share Posted August 9, 2013 Our social circle (mostly homeschoolers) has started having ''book parties'' at which attendees can participate in an optional book exchange. The books can be either new or very gently used, and it's a net-zero proposition: you bring one, you take one. Everyone gets something, you don't have to worry about where to store a mountain of presents (that you may not like), and the kids love it. I *love* our friends. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MissKNG Posted August 9, 2013 Share Posted August 9, 2013 I think saying "no gifts" puts people in an awkward spot because someone will ALWAYS break the "no gifts" request, leaving others looking/feeling bad because they did not. Perhaps, in preparation of the party, clean out the toys the kids don't use and donate them to Goodwill. That way they are making room for the new things and passing on stuff they no longer use. This is what we do. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsheresomewhere Posted August 9, 2013 Share Posted August 9, 2013 I am very selective on what charities I donate too as are quite a few on here so selecting certain charities not going to fly with us. My kids like picking out a gift and put thought into it. In another thought- We did attend a party for a child a few years ago who instead of gifts wanted things for the childrens ward of the local hospital. She had spent quite a bit of time there and it meant a lot to her to return love to them. For that, not one of the guests had issues with. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catz Posted August 9, 2013 Share Posted August 9, 2013 I agree that asking for donations isn't the best, but I personally think "your presence is your gift" is fine. This is not at all unusual in my area, and we've had several parties like that. And been to many more. I personally think it's kind of disrespectful to then bring a gift in. It puts other guests in a difficult position and the recipient too. My kids get gifts from 2 sets of grandparents and 5 aunt/uncle cousin families plus us and it's just TOO MUCH, but some years they'd still like a little bigger party with more friends. It may seem like a cultural norm, but it isn't for us. For us, it's about being with friends. For the "no gift" party we do show up with a hand made card and possibly a small consumable treat if the child is allowed that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marbel Posted August 9, 2013 Share Posted August 9, 2013 You cannot tell people not to bring gifts. You cannot tell people to bring money instead, even if you plan to donate the money to a worthy cause. "Miss Manners Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior" explains this multiple times. If you don't want people to bring gifts, don't tell them it's a birthday party. Of course, if you have cake and birthday party-type stuff, some people will be hurt that you didn't tell them it was a birthday party, because they would have wanted to bring gifts. One year my daughter wanted a party, but not a birthday party. She was 9, maybe? Anyway, around her birthday we had a tea party. We had cake and other birthday-partyish treats, but it was just a party, gifts were not in the picture, and there were no worries about obligations. Invitations just said "tea party" so no one had to wonder if "no gifts" really meant "no gifts" or worry about spending $$ they didn't have. It was her secret birthday celebration. She was happy, I was happy, and friends appeared to be happy too. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted August 9, 2013 Share Posted August 9, 2013 One year my daughter wanted a party, but not a birthday party. She was 9, maybe? Anyway, around her birthday we had a tea party. We had cake and other birthday-partyish treats, but it was just a party, gifts were not in the picture, and there were no worries about obligations. Invitations just said "tea party" so no one had to wonder if "no gifts" really meant "no gifts" or worry about spending $$ they didn't have. It was her secret birthday celebration. She was happy, I was happy, and friends appeared to be happy too. What a great idea! :hurray: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
QueenCat Posted August 9, 2013 Share Posted August 9, 2013 I know you mean well, but really, if I learned that my new present, one I specifically took my child shopping to select for your child, was donated as an 'extra' outside the allotted 'keeper' amount, I would really be both hurt and angry. I can't imagine hearing that the gift my child helped pick out for the birthday child didn't make the cut. If it's going to charity, just say so on the invite. What I buy will be different, and my child won't think they aren't good at picking out gifts. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LucyStoner Posted August 9, 2013 Share Posted August 9, 2013 I know you mean well, but really, if I learned that my new present, one I specifically took my child shopping to select for your child, was donated as an 'extra' outside the allotted 'keeper' amount, I would really be both hurt and angry. Once a present is given, it is given. It's up to the person receiving the gift to decide what to do with it. Many gifts are duplicates or not something my child wants or can have anyways. This was when they are little and the rule was invite the whole class. And the gifts tended to be generic. And numerous. Too numerous for one child and too numerous for a small living space. Now that my older son is 10, he tends to get personal presents from a few close friends rather than inviting the whole class/den/whatever. Ultimately, if something is going to sit around unused or barely used its better to pass it on to others who will use it than live with clutter merely to avoid offending the giver. When I give a gift I let go. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LucyStoner Posted August 9, 2013 Share Posted August 9, 2013 To make it clear, the gifts we donated were not "bad" gifts nor were they sorted out at the party. Sometimes they were the nicest gifts given but just not something he would use. Once a couple of days passed, we privately let him decide what to keep. No one ever knew if their gift was kept or not or that we did this at all. We started this because I didn't want to be rude and give instructions about gifts. It's rude to say no gifts (and people will bring them anyway). It's rude to list a charity. It's rude to ask for only books or only art supplies. It's rude to register for presents. Parents are kinda stuck. I refuse to buy into the notion that I must keep something just because someone gave it. It's the gift receivers job to accept the present, say thanks, and send a note. We simply have never had a house which would allow us to keep a lot of extra stuff. We live rather compactly and I don't want to overload or spoil my kids. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
regentrude Posted August 9, 2013 Share Posted August 9, 2013 Our solution was to limit the number of guests my kids could invite. If the 6 y/o can only have 6 guests and not 25, the six gifts do not pose a problem. I have several issues with the OP's suggestion: Saying "no gifts" won't work, because most kids would still want to bring a gift in case they might be the only one without a gift. (And picking out the gift and seeing the friend open the carefully selected present gives the kids so much joy.) Soliciting money, even for a charitable donation, is tacky. So, I guess you are stuck with gifts if you make it a birthday party. My children actually never got a pile of junk, because they limited the number of invitees to their actual close friends, and those friends knew them well enough to know what they might enjoy. Also, moms who call to RSVP usually ask what kind of gift the kid would enjoy; it is perfectly fine to give them a specific suggestion like art supplies, books from a certain series... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kiwik Posted August 9, 2013 Share Posted August 9, 2013 Your kids are 6 gifts are part of the fun for the giver and the receiver. It is one of the ways kids learn to enjoy giving. I limit the number of kids and usually have at least seen the parents around. They usually ask what to get and I suggest something modest that the kids will use and enjoy which is not junk. Ds4 bought a friend who was turning 5 pink leggings ($4.50) and Barbie fairy band-aids ($3). I don't expect anyone to spend much and with consultation we don't get stuff we can't use. Of course this will only work when they are young. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
happyWImom Posted August 9, 2013 Share Posted August 9, 2013 Our social circle (mostly homeschoolers) has started having ''book parties'' at which attendees can participate in an optional book exchange. The books can be either new or very gently used, and it's a net-zero proposition: you bring one, you take one. Everyone gets something, you don't have to worry about where to store a mountain of presents (that you may not like), and the kids love it. I *love* our friends. I love this idea! We exchange birthday & Christmas gifts with one other family, and it always includes a book (usually from Goodwill, or used from Amazon) and a homemade gift. All the kids love this. But, it's special between our 2 families. My dd had a party one year with more kids than we usually do, and I felt the same as you; we didn't want any gifts. So, dd made her "theme" animals, and everyone was to bring something that we would take to our local animal shelter. All of the kids enjoyed it, because everyone brought something different. So, they still "picked it out", Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Little Nyssa Posted August 9, 2013 Share Posted August 9, 2013 I think many people think that if you say 'no gifts' it means you actually want money instead! Here's one idea, we had a themed birthday party with a new dollhouse we gave DD for her birthday-- it was an invitation to the doll's housewarming. It is a while ago so I can't remember how I worded it, but somehow the invitation indicated, bring things for a dollhouse housewarming. So DD received items for her dollhouse from her friends. That way the gifts fit into a small area (the dollhouse) so they did not take over the house, plus it was an idea DD really liked and friends/parents were glad they knew they were giving something she likes. I imagine you could have many other theme-type parties as well that work the same way? I think the donations is a nice idea, but I think it depends on your guests, whether they like it or not. They may bring a small gift as well, and then those who did not will wish they had... it's complicated! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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